By now I believe you’ve all heard that Ugandan entertainment appliances, Radio & TV were nominated for the 2013 BET Awards?

Radio & Weasel’s new home for ‘Best International Act’.

The BET Awards are not those of sports betting. They are what happens when a black entertainment television station from outside countries pokes its nose in talented people’s business like this.

“This is to allow that you guy I swear you can sing!”

We sent highly-skilled ninjas down to Radio & Weasel’s home in Microsoft Word to steal an interview and deliver it to ULK headquarters for the pleasurement of our readers.

ULK: We are meeting…

R&W: Tu-meetinga…

ULK: I’ll start with a question that has secured a special place in hell for many Ugandan interviewers. They’ve molested it a lot but you know our judicial system.

Radio: What’s the question?

ULK: Where did it all start?

Radio: Well, I grew up in…

ULK: Just playing LOL. No one ever really wants to know that crap. We’ll just assume it started when you became awesome and people everywhere allowed.

Radio & Weasel put things in microphones as people wave their hands in allowment.

Radio: Thank you!

ULK: So why do you start speaking in tongues halfway the song?

Radio: No, that’s Weasel’s part.

Weasel: Ya man! Weasal ma nizzo wuiyuivu bmre vfuihqwuj vipq pfzqxpir bvhuew uiuqwiugfwee!!!

ULK: I see. Does he understand himself?

Radio: Yeah! Everyone understands him.

ULK: Why don’t you guys get an interpreter? And then it becomes Radio & Weasel & Interpreter… or before Weasel’s part, the DJ could pause the song and ask people on the dance floor to first open Google Translate.

Weasel: Hpldjiore vfufhhsdnhiv sduhajwiov uwhuicn uqqijifm fjhehwqjimjsd osn ocheio oiq jiqjjfpjopjnhshvuibgdghui aioh  uishefi qho aqiohfoq ohwea fhhz fuawheh hwehrioh zxcnbvz sfgq fauyq nduiwjk db awbwqbigb a hqvgh aba bqbvuftywfbv c nmsbjppdpj fbn aoh hd????!!!!

ULK: What did he say?

Radio: He asked what you meant.

ULK: Tell him…

Weasel: I speak English, badman!

ULK: Oh! Maybe the one you were speaking earlier is for reptiles. Anyway, so now that you guys have been elevated high up to a point where many Ugandan artistes reach only when they smoke weed, are you going to start bragging?

Weasel: No, that’s not our thing. We are humbled and very thankful to our friends, family, colleagues and, most of all, our fans for pushing us to…

ULK: What are you doing??!

Weasel: Sorry?

ULK: That doesn’t sound like bragging. When you win an international nomination, you’re supposed to brag until your haters kill themselves. I don’t write these laws. It’s your MPs. We just have to follow them.

Weasel: I don’t think people will like it.

ULK: They’ll think you’re being good citizens.

Radio: Okay… EAT KAZAMBI, HATEEEEEERS!!! MUSUMAGIRA, FFE ENSI ETUWAGIRA! GUDLYF FOR LIFE!!!

Radio & Weasel enjoying their constitutional right to braggery.

Weasel: …zqwuyeweuhq qhiwh wqhuqwd whqiodh qwhwqwd ohqfhiowqhfio…

Google Translate:

Your search – zqwuyeweuhq qhiwh wqhuqwd whqiodh - did not match any languages.

Suggestions:

• Make sure all words are sung correctly.
• Just nod your head and stop stressing.

The police have launched a fantastic new promotion powered by the Ugandan public. In the exciting development, Ugandans will have to perform a number of basic tasks to help the desired police officer win cash prizes.

Bad boys bad boys. Whatchugonna do?

GIVE YOUR WALLET A SPACE-LIFT.

At the lower end of the spectrum, the general public will be encouraged to invest in airtime. If you don’t have any, you can choose to either use MTN EXTRA TIME (Now available for pretty Ugandan chicks with zips lining their lips) and you should be sorted. Wait. It is important that you use this airtime within sight of your officer otherwise it all comes down to naught.

This is where it all matters. If the police officer catches you speaking on the phone while you drive, he wins 100,000/-, INSTANTLY. This part of the promotion is a bit one sided, but we anticipate the prospect of it spreading to include pedestrians on the phone as well. It worked for Drink-Walking promo, didn’t it?

BUCKLE UP FOR BROKE

If you cannot afford 100,000/- fear not, there’s still hope. All you have to do is mess about with your seatbelt and get caught. Achieving this is a tad difficult as seat belts are generally built to withstand damage, however, this does not mean the feat can not be achieved with practice.

Between attempting to coax your partner in to violent sex while the seatbelt is still buckled and responding rudely at security checks when asked asinine questions like, “Are we safe? Do you have arms? Who won last night’s game?” prompting the interrogator to abandon reason and attempt to ease you out through your window, we’d choose the latter approach. There’s a kick out of it. When you get caught with a spanking new messed up seatbelt, your officer wins 80,000/- ON THE SPOT!

You can choose to shortcut the process entirely by just sitting in the driver’s sit without a seatbelt, but where’s your sense of adventure?

You have the right to remain silent. Or scream.

DUI – DRIVING UNDER INSPIRATION

Love to drink, but you worry that will get in the way of you making a difference? Here’s some news that will turn that drunken frown upside down. The next time you go to the ATM to collect your sponsorship package, be sure to pick up an additional 200k. With the new promo, you can drink as much as you want and win!

That’s right, simply make sure you achieve levels of toxicity so high that blowing the breathalyzer will leave it charred and fork over 200k to the Woloks Wearing White and move on to the next bar. The good news is, this part of the promo comes with free accommodation for 12 hours.

Know that dendai you’ve been meaning to give a ‘goodu one’ but haven’t yet because of the ‘where’ variable? Simply ply her with alcohol, put her behind the wheel and wait. When you get caught, scream that this is not fair and say you will spend the night with her. Out of gratitude, she may reward your valor.

Affande she told me to shut up and drive

Please note, such gratitude may come with attempts by the alcohol from earlier on attempting to flee the scene of the crime using any exit at its disposal.

Also, your rewarding mechanism may prove faulty….

Also… some may call your initiative rape.

You have heard everyone talking about how torn they are that they went for Iron Man and found it sold out. You have seen the fire in their eyes and felt the spittle that splashed out of their mouths. You have wondered at the irony of this rain coming from water. You have stopped at the word Irony and said, “Heh.”

Let us explain.

Define Terms: Iron Man is a man called Tony Stark who made a garment two flicks ago that flies. It is like Ovlo. Muzungu Tapama. But, unlike regular Ovlo (Muzungu Tanya) this one was made of Iron, a ferrous metal mineral.

The Ovlo

Why? Because then it could be used as a machine and it could fly,  shoot niggas when they are acting the fool, and stuff like that.

Did it work? Yes.

Billion dollar badassness

What are the advantages and disadvantages of Iron Man?

Advantages include the fact that Tony Stark is a douchebag with money who doesn’t give a damn. That doesn’t sound like an advantage but you watch the way Robert Downey Jr plays it. He makes being a selfish, conceited, jerk look so cool, I am sure half the people who left the cinema were saying to themselves, “I am never going to be a nice person any more. From now on I am going to be a total prick. Yeah!”

The other half didn’t say this because they were already pricks.

In fact that is a disadvantage actually. To society at large, not to the quality of the movie.

So what are the advantages? VIOLENCE!! Lot’s of it. Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Blow up stuff! Blow up stuff! Blow up stuff! Man!

Toosh toosh…and the helicopter died

Assess the dialogue: Shane Black is the director of this film. He is known for writing world-weary elderly law enforcers who are teamed up with wild, manic, outta-control partners in unlikely companionships. Sometimes the old guy is black and the other one is white (Lethal Weapon) sometimes the other way round (Last Boy Scout.)

This time he has Robert Downey Jr and Don Cheadle, two of the most magnetic actors on screens today, so we expect Shane Black to give us great dialogue.

Did he deliver? No. The banter was as lively and sparkling as wet fish. Which is to say it was not.

Sounds like you didn’t like the movie:  Are you kidding? I loved it. Violence is so so glamorous! I swear. I love watching things shoot stuff and explode.

What about character development and stuff? They had two movies to develop the characters. Either this time they either didn’t feel the need to waste time on that, or Shane Black doesn’t know how to. Did I mention that this is the guy who made Lethal Weapon? Have you watched Lethal Weapon? It’s about two undeveloped characters who shoot some things and make other things explode. Only they say cool stuff while doing it.

What Happened To Samuel L Jackson? The great Samuel L Jackson was not in this movie. He was in the first two, and in fact, he was boss in the first one in spite of being in it for like only two seconds. But in this one nara.  Not even a cameo by the eye that was missing in the previous two.

And Scarlett Johanssen?: Even her. No sign. Yet she was at least one and a half stars of Iron Man 2 and The Avengers which, we have already told you was the REAL Iron Man 3. At least kko a cameo banange? Tuswala. Really.

Although Vice Scarlett is not so bad either

New police disciplinary guidelines written by Inspector General of Police, Kale Kayihura, if they are to be approved, will mean that the boys in white will no longer have moustaches.  Their female colleagues won’t be able to wear lipstick or short uniforms. We sent a team into the field to investigate and produce a report on the effects of lipstick, short uniforms and moustaches have on performance of a police officer. Swaibu and his teammates sent their report in this morning:

Moustaches rock!

Master ULK, you all know how many female officers stopped us and they were wearing very short uniforms, batting their done-up eyelids and smacking their lipsticked lips? Cooing like they needed a hug. They were many; many like nsenene in November. Many like…

….wait, Swaibu, where did you do this research from?

(Gesturing with mouth) here here, Speke road.

But you man, we sent you to Kiira road. How are we supposed to publish this?

(Mumbling from Swaibu)

From the less graphic part of the report:

On top of all the reasons oready already listed, dear Afande,  moustaches, lipstick and short iniform uniform affect your performance as an officer like so:

When you a asking for bribe, your moustache’s movement could alert the rest of the world about what you are doing. Cut it off and talk through the corner of your mouth, like your friends, without fearing being spotted

Moustaches are the problem here

Lipstick makes drivers stare at your lips instead of the traffic lights.

You could use the moustache to hide bribes.

When you are harassing an irate rioter, if you are in a short uniform, he can be there and he touches your thigh.

If you wear a short skirt and lipstick and stop someone and tell them that you are going to punish them for being bad, they will take it the wrong way. If you take it further and ask them for “kitu kidogo” or “something small”, they may start to undress

When a crime happens and you are trying to sniff your way to a suspect, since dogs are not enough, the moustache it will not allow you to sniff.

In conclusion, the IGP is correct to propose these rules. Because all the problems in our police force, excessive use of force in riots, constantly asking for bribes, lack of even basic investigation skills, all that it is because of lipstick. And moustaches. And short iniforms uniforms.

]]> http://urbanlegendkampala.com/2013/05/13/monday-massacres-why-lipstick-and-a-moustache-affect-your-performance/feed/ 0 http://urbanlegendkampala.com/2013/05/09/theft-in-uganda-an-introduction-to-the-mafia/ http://urbanlegendkampala.com/2013/05/09/theft-in-uganda-an-introduction-to-the-mafia/#comments Thu, 09 May 2013 06:35:07 +0000 Erique http://urbanlegendkampala.com/?p=8887

The internets define the mafia as an organized international body of criminals, operating originally in Sicily and now especially in Italy and the US. I’ve therefore come to the conclusion that these internets are made in China.

The original ones that we use here at ULK headquarters define the mafia simply as Ugandans. Why? Because everything we do is designed to groom us into professional thieves. Let me introduce you to the top five Ugandan mafia groups:

Police mafia

According to the police, when someone is jailed for stealing from you, you’re responsible for feeding them daily until their time in jail is served. If I ever steal from you, I like spaghetti and fresh passion fruit juice.

Marriage mafia

According to the constitution, when you’re caught stealing the private parts of another man’s wife, you’re given a hefty fine of only two hundred Uganda shillings.

My wallet right now says I’m entitled to about 2000 married women, give or take.

Government mafia

When money is stolen from the public, government says it’s the same public supposed to pay it back. That there’s no reason to call it ‘public funds’ if it’s going to be paid back by someone other than the public.

Nti mbu that it’s like asking a thief to give you your phone back after they’ve stolen it. It’s disrespectful to the thief.

Social media mafia

This group has perfected the art of stealing people’s updates and passing them off as their own just to look as intelligent and informed. They sneak into your profile at night while you’re sleeping, take every update they can lay their hands on and run out before you hear them and call the police.

Then when you ask them about it in the morning, they say they also just bought them from some vendor in Kamwokya.

Bodaboda mafia

These are the most cunning cos they play with people’s feelings. When taking you to your destination, they never shut up about everything so as to make you feel like they are now family and guilt trip you into letting them keep your balance. Whatever you do, don’t let them win.

He is still immortalised in our minds as the classic template of the TV procedural cop drama. I am short of coffee and therefore don’t want to write a proper intro. Anyway, see this guy?

The words that follow are an interview with him.

Q: On the line we have Horst Tappert, famed for playing Inspector Derrick on UTV back in the day. I guess the first question, Horst, is: you passed away in 2008, according to Wikipedia. How is TV star heaven?

A: Vell, it is not Germany, but zen again, I cannot complain.

Are you saying Germany is better than heaven?

In Germany I vas famous great TV legend. Here in heaven, all I do is fly around viz ze vings playing ze harp. I cannot be TV star in heaven because zere is no TV in heaven.

Why not? Because TV is a tool of sin?

Reception issues.

Oh. Anyway, surely there must be some fans of yours up there. Someone there who watched Derrick on TV. At least some Ugandans.

Nope. No Ugandans in heaven. All of you go to ze ozer place.

What?

Hey, I don’t make ze rules. It’s your fault. All ze drinking and ze fornicating and ze stealing of ze funds ze German donors send…

Well, let’s get away from that, and talk about television. I know there is TV in heaven. Otherwise it wouldn’t be heaven.

Zere is only DVD. Ve get ze shows already made on Earth. But because it is heaven, ve get plasma screen HD and no commercials.

Do you watch any current cop dramas and think back to the days of Derrick and think, “These kids are punks. Derrick could kick all their asses.” Do you?

Oh yes. Ven I vatch Psych, zat is exactly vat I think. And ven I vatch Law and Order, I vatch CSI, I sink, “Vhy do zey show zese shows in Uganda? I sought in Uganda zey do not allow ze gay shit.”

Is there any show you do like? At least one show you like.

I like ze Tventy Four. Alzough I sink Jack Bauer could have solved ze case in eight hours if he had help from Derrick.

You know what is weird about Derrick? I don’t remember there being any chicks in the show. I mean, there should always be a hot lady cop in the precinct. Like Freemah in Law and Order. Don’t you agree?

This is Freemah in case you are wondering

Vat do you mean? Zere were vomen in Derrick all ze time! Ze German vomen!

I don’t remember any.

Vat about mein assistant Harriet Klien?

Harry was a woman?

Lecturers at the prestigious Makerere University called off a strike for an increase in their pay…probably because it costs money to send Museveni innumerable messages asking that he increases your pay. Or maybe it was the shock discovery that they’d been sending the messages to the wrong number all this time. Or a revelation that the number was right but the head of state’s inbox was full. Whatever the case was, we at ULK empathize fully. We are after-all  here, in these air-conditioned offices, sipping juice from a glass in one hand while typing, one letter at a time, with the other, because you put in time and made us the.people.we.are.today.(waits for applause to die down)

(puts glass of juice down)

Be that as it may,
[John was fidgety and sweaty. He liked ballet. Even pork and Riham biscuits he liked them. He wore leotards. Re-write this using 'Be that as it may'. Thank you lecturer Matovu, now I see your wisdom]

Be that as it may, we’ve been in the KLA hustle long enough to quickly point out a few things you can do to make some mad moola as the president gets round to responding to your friend requests and subsequently increasing your salaries. Or was it SMSs

1. Brew some drugs

We’ve seen real life stories of teachers (not even lecturers, imagine) in other parts of the world who have gone from rugs, to drugs to riches…and bitches all by using pipettes and bunsen burners for a little more than demonstrating to sleeping students the wonders of Chemistry. Imagine if you made more use for all the filter paper and beakers and made something strong. You could sell the product to parliamentarians since you know, they are already on drugs

Shake the money maker

2. Offer rides

Taxis and boda bodas are no longer allowed into campus. A lot of money can be made by using your car to transport horny boys from Livingstone Hall to pretty, hardworking, serious girls reading their books in Mary Stuart Hall. You may need to clean suspect fluids from some parts of the car err so often but that’s collateral.

3. Hard coursework

Give very hard course work and remind students that the only way to pass is if they go and (removed by Ed. In it’s place, this witty, DRAMATIC sentence has been put)

4. Write a book

People love reading books. Look at all the trees that have been cut down to make copies of Fifty shades of grey. Do your own thing. You could go the ‘Sowing the Mustard Seed’  (‘mustard’ could be another name for maryjane. Explains some decisions) and write about your life. Tell us everything. Don’t leave out stuff. How you walked several miles to and from school. How you were eating sausage while others were going to the bush not so far from your hut. Everything.

You speak truth Sleek. Proceed

5.  Start singing

We’ve been told, only so many times, about how rich ‘Dr.’ Chameleone is. Msschtchew. How can you, the real Doctor, let him enjoy all that  money from fans when you are the one who read all those books? Surely, it cannot be too hard to grow dreadlocks and say ‘valu valu‘. You are the real doctor; we’d come to your shows because of how cleverly you weave Maslow’s heirarchy of needs into your lyrics, because of how you throw chalk into the audience at the height of the show, how you ask questions during the show and ask us, the screaming fans, to raise our hands to answer, because of how you dictate your lyrics for the topless female fans at the front to write down…we’d also be awed by the fact that you wouldn’t use a stage name. You’d stay Dr. Didimus Kainyunju, on and off stage. And in your posters you’d be standing next to a blackboard, with a blackboard ruler in one hand while the other writes some crazy, rock star sheet down

The lyrics from one of your biggest hits, I = MC (I am MC)

]]> http://urbanlegendkampala.com/2013/05/06/monday-massacres-muk-lecturers-breaking-bad/feed/ 0 http://urbanlegendkampala.com/2013/04/30/12-steps-to-success-how-to-be-a-security-guard/ http://urbanlegendkampala.com/2013/04/30/12-steps-to-success-how-to-be-a-security-guard/#comments Tue, 30 Apr 2013 07:22:33 +0000 Ernest Bazanye http://urbanlegendkampala.com/?p=8854

It is The Urban Legend 12 Step Guide to Success in Whatever You Do: Leggo.

1. Think of all the people who have ever pissed you off since you were a kid and hate them. Hate them a lot. Hate them all day long.
2. Now with all that hatred and evil and loathing making your heart black and heavy and stonehard, go and apply for a job with a security firm.
3. When they give you a  contract, you will see the part where it says in the job description “check people entering premises”. Cross out the word “check” and replace it with the words “molest sexually”.
4. Get a uniform and see if it fits.
5. Then either lose weight or gain weight—whichever is easier to make sure that the uniform does not fit at all.
6. Remember that teacher who caned you when they caught you shooting mpafu in P3.
7. Get stationed outside an office or mall or bank or some other place where innocent civilians tend to pass. Maybe even a church.
8. Every time one arrives, remember the Congolese who stole your girlfriend.
9. The person walks up refer to them as “YOU!” but not a good “you”, the kind of “you” that is used in the sentence “you contemptuous and revolting waste of flesh and carbon dioxide, you are the one who spends nights sodomising medium-sized rodents, aren’t you?” Say “You! What is in the bag! Bring and I see.”
10. When the person suggests that you don’t have to be rude, and that they were not refusing to be checked and that they are quite ready to comply with the security protocols required to enter the building, sneer and grab at their bag. Grab at it as if it is a wild animal attempting to escape capture. Grab at the handle of their Gucci handbag as if it is a hyena throat.
11. Rip the thing open and stare inside with your mouth curled downwards as if you already despise everything this person has ever done. Hope that you find something sexual in the bag like edible panties or a vibrator so you can take them out and embarrass the chick. If it is a guy and you find a vibrator, that will be your lucky day.
12. You are not allowed to grab the person’s bottom any more but this doesn’t mean you cannot make them uncomfortable. Use the wand. That metal detector thingy. Use it suggestively to emasculate the men you check or violate the women. Then let them enter and cry from inside.

Over the years, we’ve seen several inventions come out of this dusty pearl; there are several others being worked on by mad scientists all over the country right now. We sent out a team to do hardcore research and here they are:

PARTY CATEGORY

[ulk-credit]jscreationzs / freedigitalphotos.net[/ulk-credit]

Party Pretty

This mobile app, to be released initially only for Android devices, will have detectors at the entrance of all nightspots that matter. The detectors will scan the faces of all the ladies walking into the nightspots, use a complex beauty algorithms and grades their beauty and booty on a scale of 1 to 10. Guys using the mobile app get to decide which place to hang out at depending on which one has more beauty or more booty. Girls use the same app to decide where to go to find as little competition as possible

Arab Money Party

This mobile app complements the Party Pretty app. It too has detectors at all nightspots that matter in the country. It uses complex, rich algorithms to determine how much money each guy entering the place has. Female users can decide where to hang out depending on where the most loaded guys are. It also allows guys to decide where to go and not feel threatened by how much money fellow revelers have

POLITICS CATEGORY

Corruptalyzer

The way this neat gadget works is that you breathe into it and it displays how much public funds you have stolen in the last three months. The idea is to place it at the gate of parliament to replace the useless, electricity-guzzling metal detector.

Suitstress

This machine would spit out proper-fitting suits for our members of parliament

Gibberish

The name of this device will be to throw people off. The small, nifty invention, to be stuck under the tongue, would be used to translate the nonsense said by a member of parliament, real time, into sense with figures and statistics. The gadget would be handed out at the beginning of each Parliamentary session. It would deliver a small, non-fatal, electric shock to a wearer when he exceeds a preset gibberish limit.

 MUSIC CATEGORY

Songbird

[ulk-credit]renjith krishnan / freedigitalphotos.net[/ulk-credit]

This will be a tablet that will allow anyone who swallows it three times a day, with Safi, to have a good singing voice. It would magically change your singing voice from Nandutu to Alaine in a week…or you get your money back. Those who cannot afford this slightly pricy medication will have to buy the…. (Sweaty drum roll)

Ear-mpaffu

To use this amazing device, one sticks it into their ears and anything they listen to will sound like very good music. A Zari jam will be playing and all you’ll hear is Lauryn Hill.

Uncle Agony dear,

I have issues with my boyfriend. He is a mummy’s boy. He likes picking fights even over the smallest things you can thing of and he is a drunkard. Banange a piece of advice.

Me.

You dear,

You say you have issues with your boyfriend but these look like his issues, not yours. What I sense here is envy which, if not dealt with immediately, could lead to resentment. You envy him because he has issues and you don’t. But that’s okay.

What you now need is not advice. What you need is your own issues. It’s the only way to strike a manageable balance in your relationship. If he likes picking fights, go out and also pick something of your own. Like stones. You can even get issues that are way better than his. So what if he is a drunkard? Become a drug addict.

The only issue you shouldn’t worry about is his being a mummy’s boy. Unless his father rears a certain animal that he somehow fell in love with, married and impregnated to achieve him as the offspring, hence making him an animal’s boy, he, like every other boy in the world, is unquestionably a mummy’s boy. Except Chuck Norris. He produced himself.