Category Archives: WTH

Upcoming Releases That Probably Won’t

You're right. It might not fit....

You’re right. It might not fit….

Following the uproar wrought by the 50 Shades of Grey movie (and the uprooting of carrots and cucumbers), the logical thing to do is manage our expectations. No reason we should get turned on knowing full well we may not even share a drink from the same cup. That said, we thought we would ask the government’s censorship committee to identify some movies we might have to turn our FOMO dial down for.

Cinderella – Cate Blanchett, Lily James

Conductor, first chill, I have no dime for fuel…

On the surface, it’s a simple tale of a young lady’s pursuit for a happy ending and her suspect choice of footwear. Look again and beneath the saccharine exterior a more sinister propaganda comes to play. It’s a story of a young lady who throws herself at a rich man and then seduces him by leaving items of her clothing behind. On top of that, she relies on witchcraft provided by a stranger only identified as Fairy God Mother…or FGM. Is it a coincidence that the same initials stand for Female Genital Mutilation? I think not. We do not want our young ladies’ morals compromised, so this is a no-go.

Get Hard – Will Ferrel, Kevin Hart

Black guy 'kwe-tying" tuts..

Black guy ‘kwe-tying” tuts..

The adverts that we’ve seen so far suggest that the story is about a white man who needs to toughen up for the life waiting for him in prison. Of course that would be just fine, but look again. The poster for the movie features a young black man braiding a white man’s hair. Initially we were going to ban it on the basis that it messes up people’s self-esteem by suggesting that we are still under the thumb of the white devil, but we took a closer look and with the help of a pastor put two and two together. It’s clearly a movie about inter-racial homosexuality. The name is very telling, but it’s the fact that the white man is being tied bi-tu-twa that put the final nail in the coffin.

Furious 7 – Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Dwayne Johnson and their friends

See, America is not racist

The cast of America: Not racist at all

This movie is wrong on very many levels. After we’ve fought to defend our nation’s leader for the better part of two decades, this movie comes and suggests in its title that he is angry. You can tell they tried to veil their intentions by dropping the M, but we saw right through this deceit. In one trailer you can see a black guy, possibly Ugandan going by his name, Tarsis Gibson, being teased mercilessly by his friends for praying. As if that’s not bad enough, they opted to use flashy cars. If the movie producers really had any goodwill for our government, then the characters would all be driving big yellow buses.

The Avengers: Age of Ultron – Too many people

More kavuyo than the taxi park

More kavuyo than the taxi park

In what is clearly an opposition move, this one is about how a group of people gang up with plans to overthrow the one person who has the best intentions of the people. He even declares how he is not corrupt by telling them that he has no strings on him… directly translated, he has no ties to people’s money. And how do they repay him, buy bringing in foreign aid and attempting to overthrow him. We won’t air this one because it promotes dissidence. Age of Ultron? More like Age of Ulterior! There’s also kaboozi of someone creating Vision. How is that possible? Vision is not created. You either have it or you don’t, and as you are all aware by now, only one person has the vision here.

Jurassic World- Chris Pratt and some other people



This movie is not necessarily bad, however it undermines the history we have been pushing in schools. All the adults reading this know about Gipir and Labongo, Kintu and his bae-Nambi, introducing dinosaurs in to that mix will just confuse the public. In this case we weighed our options and it didn’t make sense to have a bunch of adults feeling like their whole lives have been based on lies. This is why we won’t be showing this one either.

Ant Man – Paul Rudd, Michael Douglas

Prepping to drop that Luga-Flow jam

Prepping to drop that Luga-Flow jam

In this movie, the little guy saves the day. That’s how wars begin. Look at Libya’s Arab Spring. It started when an absolute nobody sent RIA (Rise in Arms) instead of LOL and then before you knew it, more and more people joined the uprising. We have our hands full with striking lecturers and students at Makerere, we don’t have time for people who have been inspired by movies. This will not air and you will thank us when you realise we have also spared you the tear gas and embarrassing strawberry yoghurt.


Mission Impossible V – Tom Cruise, Stunts


Dereva, wali ku stage…

We honestly had no problem with this particular film, however we received a call from the same pastor who had received a vision of the outcome of the 2016 elections. He said that he had met with the balokole group and the consensus was that having a movie with the word Impossible in the title would go against their preaching that “nothing is Impossible”. To go against them and let this movie show in the cinema would be to lead the flock astray and we cannot condone such things. This movie has therefore been terminated.

The Fantastic Four

Electricity is going you guys, have you charged?

Electricity is going you guys, have you charged?

The title of this movie sounds suspiciously like a coalition of opposition members. Is it Mao, Besigye, Ssebagala and that Denzel guy from Big Brother? We like that Denzel guy from Big Brother, but if he has decided to team up with these people we will not stand for this. This movie is under investigation for what exactly it stands for. Is it a friend or is it a foe. The title says four, which sounds a lot like foe, so we may have no choice but to refuse this one also.

Chew on that for a while..


Museveni Pauses Game Of Thrones, Reshuffles Cabinet.

It’s not complicated. Someone messed with President Museveni’s iPad and now his iTunes shuffle feature won’t work. Something had to be shuffled. And so he shuffled.



Hi. My name is Eric, and this is the Uganda Cabinet Reshuffle 2015.

Museveni kept his position as president. A very lucky man indeed. So did H.E Bobi Wine, beloved president of the Internal Republic of Kamwokya.

The Vice President is still, as expected, unknown. Unfortunately, the Editor didn’t care much to ask us to Google him. “I don’t think he’s known there either,” he said as he walked out for his nose-picking break.

And since the boss is out, who cares about these lists? Unless you have a relative in there or you just want to check whose bank account the next public funds will be sent to. Does anyone have the new episode of Empire? I’ve only watched like…oh, he’s back.

Father Lokodo is still State Minister For Sex. He was set to be moved to Internal Affairs before they realised ‘Internal’ means ‘in the country’, not ‘in the bedroom’.

Unfortunately, Maria Kiwanuka, founder and chairman of the phrase ‘Madam Supiika Sir’, is no longer Minister of Finance. The few who stayed awake during budget readings are now cursed into eternal slumber. During her tenure, Miss Kiwanuka saw a great many improvements especially in the way wigs are worn and the way the budget briefcase is carried like Denzel Washington walking away from an explosion. She is now in the more dormant role of Senior Presidential Adviser for Finance.

Remember Jim Muhwezi? Who was found mismanaging Global Fund money back in 2006? He’s back as Information Minister. Hashtag Schwarzenegger. His main role as Information Minister is to inform you that he didn’t eat the money and even if he did, and you do what?

Hajji Nasser English Ssebaggala maintains his position as Portfolio Without Minister and for that, he gets a lollipop.

Rape Minister Ronald Kibuule was transferred to the Ministry of Water. They say dehydration has an adverse impact on mental function.

A few other notable people were also maintained in their current positions. Janet Museveni is still a rich wife, Desire Luzinda is still a sex tape, Ragga Dee is still not wanted on radio and Erias Lukwago is still as if somehow maybe Lord Mayor. A bit.

That’s it for today. The rest you’ll know about in corruption scandals.

A letter to, Nanyonga, my Valentine’s Day date

Dear, Nanyonga,

First off, I am sorry to address you by your biological, ancient, ancestral, mother-tongued name. The other name skipped my mind. Will you allow me call you Nanyonga for now? Okay. I am writing this letter with my heart in my palms. I plucked it out of my chest because every time I thought about Valentine’s Day, it would slap, kick, thump, pinch, mstchewww, beat and clobber me. And I hate slaps. Can I fax it over to you, sweet Nanyonga?

Nanyonga, my sweet binyebwa. My calendar told me mbu Valentine’s Day is soon. At first, I thought it had lied, but on close inspection and consultation from National Valentine’s Day Council (NVDC) settled the argument. Will you be my date, Nanyonga? Forget that silly TV show hosted by that thing with nice legs and swollen things on her hips. Be my date, Nany. I have been waiting for this opportunity to pour out my feelings to you. You know I love you, don’t you? Remember when I beeped you late at night? It was a sign of love. And the silence meant that I never wanted to bother you. I hate bothering people I love. Yes, yes, your phone call I switched off, I never wanted to chew your airtime.

Val’s Day is on Sato. I am consciously constipating myself, waiting for the big day. On that day, Nanyonga, you will know that nze wuwo like Jamal. NRM, oyeeee! Kati, I am these ends combing Owino Market for the best garments to unleash on that day. I want us to be trendy and dapper. I want us to show Kanye and Kim that we own this shit. I want Jay and Beyonce to sing a song about us in abject nuggu. I am looking for red garments; stockings, handkerchiefs, et al. What should I get you? A purple half-petty? Will do. Forget that roses claptrap. I will get you something bigger. If possible, I will carry a tree. Or a bush.

We shall walk on the streets, holding hands. The street kids will beg us mbu ‘Sebo, sebo..’ I won’t listen to those haters. We shall walk to the cinemas. Have you heard of Sixty Greys of Shades? It is a new film. Oba by Van Damme. But I hear it is romantic. We shall watch it as others will be boring themselves to death. Thereafter, we shall have a candlelit dinner. I have already bought my packets of candles. And packets of matchboxes. I haven’t bought the dinner yet, but in this era of Rolexes and all food, we will be covered. I might not buy you an acre of land in Lake Victoria. That shit is overrated, by the way. What if you drown in that little piece of land? Loss. I might not buy you a car. Cars are stressful. In this traffic jam of ours. But Nanyonga, sweet baibe, I will buy anything on that day. Even chewing gum. I will buy.


Would you be my Valentine’s?

21 Questions?

50 Cent released an album with the chart topping ‘In da club’ way back in 2001 and on it was ’21 questions’. Below are the original lyrics. He just changed them so he wouldn’t pay me. Greedy bastard!

1. Who really let the dogs out?
2. If there’s a Vice President, don’t we at least deserve a Virtue President too?
3. Were the keys to Beenieman’s BeeMa ever found?
4. Why did it take them years to notice that there was a letter missing in KCC?
5. Has Michael Ross ever filed a missing career case with police?
6. Is UMEME mandated to distribute electricity or blackouts?
7. Why are the blackouts distributed for free?
8. Does Besigye go on strike or do the strikes go on Besigye?
9. Why are they called Smartphones if they don’t know who killed Captain Alex?
10. If they are the fastest animals, why are cheaters always caught?
11. Is Fat Boyz only for fat boys?
12. Why is Jinja Road in Kampala?
13. If all roads lead to Rome, why does the Northern Bypass go only up to Masaka?
14. What did ‘Blu 3′ have against the letter ‘e’?
15. If an Executive Director directs, does a Kampala Mayor may?
16. How come there’s a school called Manchester United in Kampala but there’s no school called Kampala United in Manchester?
17. How many sevens are in Museveni?
18. Why was every region in Uganda given a district and yet the country itself wasn’t given one?
19. Does Bobi Wine drink wine?
20. Did Bebe Cool start out as Cool Cool Bar?
21. Is Straka in Kampala or is Kampala in Straka?

If you can answer all, then you should be the first in line to get a national ID.

What if MH370 was a Ugandan Aeroplane!

The state address from the Prime Minister.

“Attention. Can I get your attention please? Afande, give them the teargas. Now, calm down my people. The government is working on finding the answers. All we know is that the plane disappeared from thin air, and we are trying to find out if the sky has anything to do with this. It has also come to our attention that Uganda is in the tropics so for a plane to disappear in thin air is something you don’t find in the tropics and we don’t have thin air. We are now investigating the thin air, and we have got some leads there too.

We have a parliamentary committee that has been set up to investigate the perpetrators of this hideous act. This is not what we fought for in the bush war. Our cadres and comrades did not die for this.

Our parliament now has the technology to find out and locate the missing plane. My afande here tells me that there’s an app you can download from the apple store that can track things. How else do you think we find Besigye?

We have also set up a parliamentary committee to give five million shillings to the aggrieved families. We are sorry that this happened and we promise we are working on it. People who are trying to unsettle our government shall not prosper.

We have sent our investigation team to Soroti flying school to further investigate and see if the pilots had degrees or diplomas. That is very essential in discovering their motives.

Our police dogs are also trained to sniff out black boxes and the police is already doing that.

We are sitting as parliament to discuss the allowances we are going to give ourselves to discuss what exactly transpired to UA370.

We have ruled out Kony, Besigye and Lukwago but we have our police standing on standby waiting to see if they have anything to do with this.

Please, we beg you dear Ugandans, if you kidnapped the plane, don’t kill it.

We have ruled out that the plane landed in water. Our technology is not yet water resistant so it must be somewhere on land.

The leader of opposition should also stop suggesting we bring in aero dynamic specialists and investigation teams from outside countries. We don’t want them to bring their homosexual acts here. We as a country can handle it with our panel of experts and definitely when we seat down as a parliament and discuss, we shall discover who the real culprit is.

Thank you very much.

God Bless Our Country.

Afande, you can stop firing the teargas now.”

How To Bag That Vote For President

It’s gonna be an election year in a couple of months and you know what that means. That’s right, the candidates are going to go to outrageous lengths to swing the youth vote their way. The incumbent took to rap as a means of showing that he was hip and cool and all that, but how is he going to get people to take notice come next election period, you don’t actually want another rap, do you? {I’m intentionally being vague seeing as the elections may or may not be in 2016 depending on how the decision makers feel about freebies around that time}

Has anyone considered the possibility he was actually voting by touchscreen?

Has anyone considered the possibility he was actually voting by touchscreen?

Turns out, M7 has already started with the ”Cool-cool” already by jumping on the selfie bandwagon, so now all that remains is to see how the opposition is going to even the playing field. With rap and photography already done and dusted, there’s only so much you can do…

TROLLING :  Verb | The art of deliberately, cleverly, and secretly pissing people off, usually via the internet, using dialogue.

The most likely candidate to pull this off is Warren B. He has proven that he has the chops to annoy people by merely walking, imagine what he can do if he really applied himself? Of course there is still that hurdle he has to jump over; getting the president to accept his friendship request on facebook. While he waits, he can hope to high heavens that the selfie the president took appears on instagram or twitter where he can post remarks such as, “At least I have the foresight to keep my eyes open in photos lol”

FOXING: Verb | Claiming you will do something and then not delivering at the last minute

You can NOT, and I repeat NOT {to be able to make my word limit}, get any more youthful than this. Scores of young uns are familiar with the concept and are usually easy to recognise as the ones that have been forced to share that bottle of krest in the club because their sponsor ‘foxed’. In case you are reading this and thinking, “Hang on a minute, I know a guy that did that,” you’re right, but I doubt Otunnu will be rehashing that move. What is this, his taste in fashion?

TWIRRA: Popular online destination for people with stage fright to express a brief 140 character long opinion

Now this is not really very conducive for our politicians because, let’s face it, even when they shouldn’t, they have a lot to say. Think birthday parties for instance, “I would like to wish this young girl a happy birthday. Happy birthday young girl. May you grow up to be a force of change. Let the people who see you allow! The struggle is real. Speaking of struggles, when we first had elections, we didn’t think things would come to this. But you see how they have become. Anyway, God is there. But you need to also hope for free and fair elections. A country without these, is no country for old men. You see us here, but there will be blood. As you look around you, take not of the faces. Some of these people don’t wish you well. They are cubs in lambs’ clothing. Do you know what a cub is? Actually, they are the mafia…” … and that’s the guy you will expect to follow on twitter?

SEX TAPES: Let’s save this one for the Guild Elections article


The problem with this is you can not shake off the feeling that it will eventually turn messy with the politician trying to convince you that it is in your best interest to actually pay for his meal. Failing that, the conversation will get drawn out unnecessarily with people observing that the mini-skirt law didn’t actually kick in, or, and this happened to me, there are greater threats than that stupid law after all; People who go to these places for the sheer sake of doing maalo and having their pictures taken. FACT. Just because you posed in front of one of ours, there’s no real reason the person at the visa office will let you go and pose in front of one of theirs.

PHOTOBOMBING: The act of showing up uninvited in someone else’s photograph.

This is fast gaining traction and there is no real reason a politician shouldn’t leap on this particular bandwagon. All they need to know before hand is that for a photobomb to work, they need to actually be the secondary party in the shot. It does not make sense for someone to wrap their hands around you like some needy octopus clamoring for attention and then smugly declaring, “Ha, I exploded your photograph”



How to quit your Job?

Everyone who has ever written a self-help book on how to be successful has only written about How to get employed but no one ever talked about How to quit your job? Here at ULK, our self help book also teaches you how to quit your job!

Do you like your job? Do you feel like you are being overworked and underpaid? Do you feel like its time you moved on? Do you like your workmates? Do you like your job? We ask again, do you like your job! You who is reading this? NO?

The experts at ULK have tasked us with teaching you on when to resign and quit your job.

Step 1.

Write that resignation letter. When you are writing this, make sure to make it as juicy and as exciting as that CV you handed in when you are looking for that job. Remember how you said you are goal oriented, loyal, excited and looking forward to being part of the team, well, do the opposite now. You are going to write about how you greatly miss the organization and that your aunty who used to pack lunch for you is also going to miss the team. Only good things.

Step 2.

Attach the letter to email. I don’t think people print out resignation letters any more.

If you’ve printed, still, attach it to the email.

After, send it. Done. You are now officially on your way to being unemployed.

But remember;

Monday: You can’t send it when the week has just begun. There’s no past tense for worst. Well, if it were, then that would be the worst of the worst Monday ever, for you.

Tuesday: Do you want to miss out on the half price office pizza day? Don’t even risk sending it.

Wednesday: Don’t attempt to send it. It’s the mid week crisis in office. People don’t know what to call it. Half empty (Monday is done) or Half full (Friday is around the corner).

Thursday: But Friday is tomorrow.

Friday: Don’t send it in the morning.

Friday 5:30pm: Click send.

Step 3.

Wait. Patiently wait. Resigning is not as easy as you sent it on Friday you won’t have to go to work on Monday. It’s more than that.

Step 4.

Pray you don’t meet your bosses in the office corridors, toilet or in the board room alone after sending it. Run away from office.

Step 5.

Remember, do it at the end of the month. You don’t want to do it at the beginning. I mean, who does that? Are you a monster? People’s feeling will get hurt. You need to get them when they still have some salary on their accounts.

If you follow these steps closely, I can now say you are officially unemployed. Welcome to the club, Hooray.



A narrative from the Police Officer’s Recruiting Enforcers (PARE)!

Do you like to pare my people? I said Do you like to PARE?

I have a feeling this title has been used before but that shouldn’t stop me now. I’ll do what Kanye does best and just be me. I put the me in Kanye! Did you watch the News? Uganda police on recruiting drive? Did you guys see the future teargas crew? The people who will be harassing you with pink water soon who also can’t speak English? Like, work with me here! Anyone?

Well, here’s your guide to making it through to the police academy! Well, if you have these qualities, or even just a wee bit of them, join now or maybe you are a formidable candidate.

*Remember the movie Police academy?

Anyway presenting;

1. Are you good at playing apart together apart together’? If you are good at it then definitely you will make it to the police academy. You will easily ace the physical exams with this. That’s all you need.

2. Can you keep a white uniform clean with only star blue soap from Mukwano industries? If you can, then definitely the police will recruit you. Also, instead of Kyambogo students striking, they could do research on the secrets of those white uniforms and how they manage to keep them clean.

3. Do you have any education qualifications? No? It’s ok. Your birth certificate showing that you are indeed Ugandan (only requirement) is all you need to join the police force.

4. Nakupiga sana wewe nakupenda. . .ok, I’ll stop here now. But if you can make out a few Swahili words then you definitely qualify to join the Uganda police force.

5. Are you 16? 18? 35? 50? It’s never really too late to join. They don’t have any age restrictions when it comes to applying for the Police force. Sign up now.

6. Did you know that police have the right of way in the wrong lane? If you didn’t, just go and sign up.

7. If you never grew out of the cops and robbers stage as a child you can now upgrade. Our police force is hiring. You are their future.

8. Do you know what Afande means? If you do, you get straight As at the police exam.

9. If you can hear a drunk person, then clearly you are at the top of the list of police recruits.

10. ARE YOU BROKE? ARE YOU SERIOUSLY BROKE? Join now. Take a bribe. It gets easier.

11. Welcome to the Police academy.

Here’s Why Not Medical School.

Read enough out-of-the-way books, talk to some rather strange people, or even visit random obscure sites on the internet and you’ll find some great advice that no other place will provide (that and then some.) I fall in one of those categories and seeing as how I don’t recall the last time someone published me, let’s then just say that this strange person would like to give you some advice.

Do not, for the love of all that is pure and good (and I repeat, do not) encourage anyone to go become a doctor.

Of course there a myriad of professions many people are advised against, Law, Engineering, Bull-fighting and Child-trafficking being in the mix, but I shall stick to what I am certain of for now.

At the end of all this you might ask why I didn’t give you this piece of information before the highschoolers applied for courses but man, with the festivities going on, I could think of little else and not for the reasons you assume. It was impossible to do anything else during this season, when guys just decide to cut themselves up with broken bottles and try to stop moving cars with their bodies. People suddenly go all ‘challenge accepted’ and try to see how much diarrhea their body can handle before their butts burst into flames and there are always those families that let their 5-year olds get drunk. That last one though, was a little funny…just a little, don’t judge me!

Now, some people actually want their friends/children to turn into some depraved and jaded human beings for a while and hey if that is you, then ignore the advice and do your thing. Let your friends bury themselves in their books, have weeks of being vegetarian as they slice up those cadavers, deal with the sexual harassment (though admittedly, this is not just limited to Med school) and come out of it all only to find, the cycle just repeats itself. They’ll have their boyfriends attend New Year’s Eve parties while they’re stuck in some emergency room dealing with those strange fellows who somehow manage to get firework burns before midnight.

At some point or the other, human beings got addicted to breathing and doctors are carefully bred for more than half a decade, at the very least, to further this addiction. The price seems to be our own sanity, though. There are a couple of things people should prepare to experience while in the profession and I’ve paragraphed them for your reading pleasure; because lists are far too main-stream.

Much like in some movie about endless dreams, they should prepare to feel like old souls stuck in young bodies and will be having ‘mid-life crises’ at 24 years. They’ll forget why euphemisms are necessary in today’s society and call spades, spades, boobs, breasts and nether-regions…well, you get the point. Discussing bodily fluids and excreta during meals will become commonplace and people in pork-joints will discretely shift their chairs away from them in disgust (true story.) Slowly, they’ll turn into those people at the movies who point out the inaccuracies of the film like how that baby has no umbilical cord attached to it yet nothing was cut and how that bullet should have ruptured his spleen; “CPR is not done like that you crazy person,” they’ll find themselves shouting. Caffeine will become a necessity and they’ll start to jump at the sound of any phone ringing, anywhere because it will remind them of people calling from the Emergency Room at ungodly hours of the night. They will hate the media as it embellishes and milks stories of medical malpractice that they know for a fact are not what they seem and will have to deal with people just calling them ‘doc’ which is a way of the world saying ‘screw you and your medical crap, to us you’re all nameless slaves that must respond to one title.’

If however, you positively enjoy having endless sleep debts that shall never be repaid and simply cannot resist the idea of not being sure whether you love your profession or not, then this is the road you should take. There are plenty of thrilling encounters with patients who’ll loathe you and assume they know everything simply because someone else in a white coat taught them the secrets of the universe when they visited his clinic in town. It’s really the perfect place for those whose hopes and dreams don’t lie beyond when their next day off shall be so they can finally catch that movie that came out 6 months ago but end up sleeping halfway through it. Indeed, you will meet TB patients in taxis, coughing and hacking away as if they’re in their own quarantined room and know-it-alls who assume that WebMD is the way to go; doesn’t that sound like fun? Sometimes you will want to scream “#$$%&**@!!#” back at your superiors but interestingly enough, your brain will be so out of tune, all that will come out will be “yes sir. And may I add how perfectly white your coat is today.”

Now, of course the profession does pay off about two and a half decades or so later and there are many patient people out there who are willing to wait for all that time.

And your rather clueless friends cheer as they think “free medical care!!”

The rest of us poor sods are quite literally stuck in an endless cycle simply because we don’t know how to do anything else anymore. I do hope I have succeeded in warning you off.

*Disclaimer: my counsel has nothing to do with not wanting to share any money and prestige that the profession affords. And all the Ugandan-based doctors ask “which money?”

14 People To Watch In ’14 | Part 02

Master Ragga Gangsta Ivan Lee started the count last week, and I’m here to finish it. Cos they call me The Finisher. The Ender. The Fullstopper. The Period. Wait! Okay, let’s move on.

Aamito Stacie

Frankly, I didn’t know about this girl until I was told this morning that some Ugandan somewhere had won something.

Ninja Aamito

The conversation went something like:

  • Who has won?
  • The Aamito chick.
  • Won what?
  • Africa’s Next Top Model. You didn’t know?
  • Like a singing competition or?
  • No, dwanzie! Modeling stuff.
  • Good for her! Who again??

So yeah, watch out for this one. She just creeps up on competitions and wins things fwaaa.


Janet Museveni

Back in 2013, she didn’t go for public HIV testing with her husband like she was supposed to. Cos she was still training. But after she’s done, she will unleash the biggest and grandest of all public HIV testings.

Kale Kayihura

The police chief’s love for teargas blossoms every other month. I heard he proposed to it late last year. Now he plans to introduce it to friends, family and the general public all year long. Although he has been introducing it for a while now. But you know relationships.

Alex Ndawula

Two thousand years ago, Jesus made a promise that He will one day come back. Around the same time, this Capital FM muchacha made the same promise. But even with the advent of stiff competition from other DJs and MCs, we haven’t lost hope that the self-proclaimed baddest badman on radio will make the promised comeback. One day.

Kid Fox

An unexpected guest on the list but still list-worthy mostly cos he represents a big chunk of failed artistes. As a diehard fan, I have, for the longest time, waited for Kid Fox to sprout into, say, Adult Fox but been hurt every year as my hope was crushed. Same as my other best musician Red Banton. From the beginning, I knew Red Banton’s career was doomed to stop. Cos, you know, Red? Traffic lights? I’ve never understood why he didn’t just change names to ‘Green Banton’. But there’s still hope.


A changed man

A changed man

Sexual Intercourse

I know we’re supposed to be talking about ‘people’ but judging by the rate at which sex tapes are being released, we can only assume the sex is acting on its own. Especially since the owners of the sex hide it inside the tapes but are somehow always shocked to find that it escaped and talked to reporters.

Unfortunately, this trend is bound to continue unless people start having sex in heavily secured environments like police stations or Besigye’s house.

Tamale Mirundi

He’s probably the most controversial presidential spokesperson in the world, a title he has rightfully earned from the way he bizarrely twists conversations. He’s that dude in school who barged into a conversation about the latest Apple technology with talk about the growth of agriculture in Uganda and how he also likes fruits. He’s that kind of guy. When he’s asked to make sense, he agrees that yes, he knows about Hisense televisions but doesn’t know how to make them.