Category Archives: WTH

musevenilonelyroad

KISANJA HAKUNA MUCHEZO, WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The president has declared his latest term not for jokes, those things are for former V.P Bukenya. Meanwhile, someone should offer that guy a job in Akandolindoli, he is idle these days but i digress. Back to the main point, you may be there thinking, “How do those things of kisanja hakuna muchezo touch me?” First of all, you need to think in correct grammar, i.e. “Why should I be concerned with quixotic presidential statements like Kisanja hakuna muchezo” Secondly, this is why you have to be concerned;

Zero DTP (Disturbing the Peace)

You know those days of Besigye coming from outside countries or coming from Kasangati to town with crowds of people. That stuff was for last term, this time it is for grabbing him just as the airplane enters Ugandan airspace. Sources say that Besigye was actually parachuted off the plane by special commandos who were trained by Chuck Norris and Rambo. Besigye was too stunned to believe what had actually happened but since he didn’t want to die in his own movie, he told people that he had been hijacked when the plane had landed which, according to our sources, is more fiction than a Kampala Sun news headline.

Kiboko Squad 2: bigger and better battering

The requirement for receiving kibokos in previous terms was actual participation in a demonstration. But this is kisanja hakuna muchezo, the requirements are different. Are you in the vicinity? Get kiboko. Are you wearing blue? Get kiboko. Are you a boda guy? Get kiboko. Do you look like a boda guy? Get kiboko. Is it shining? Get kiboko. Is it raining? Get kiboko.

You are fired

Are you a government employee? Be scared, kisanja hakuna muchezo is coming to the office or hospital near you. Ask those Nakawuka health workers. Do you want to pee? Do you want to buy airtime from maama junior`s kiosk? Do you want to quarrel with your ex on phone? Or you have a lunchtime date? Don’t dare move away from your desk because if the boss (and I mean the top boss) does not find you on the desk, YOU ARE FIRED!!!…..But don’t worry, it won’t be for long before you are reinstated.

Viral photos aka breaking the internet (the East African one)

Previously, the president`s photogenic moments fell into two categories. When he is addressing people at Kololo, Statehouse, Campaign rallies etc. The other is when his hairline hadn’t yet receded further back on his head and was making statements like “the problem with Africa is leaders over-staying in power”. But with kisanja hakuna muchezo, the president is a viral phenomenon with road side phone calls and power walks in the hills.

Sheila

IF LOCAL T.V ANCHORS WERE SCHOOL KIDS

 

 

 

 

 

 

NTV anchors are like those well fed kids at school, whose parents read for them bedtime stories, whose lunch boxes have sandwiches and watch cartoons like Ben 10. They talk about daddy`s new car, probably a Mercedes Benz or Range Rover and how their Christmas gift was an iPhone 6 plus. They know where the Swiss Alps are, not by reading the geography textbooks but because their parents spent their holidays there. They are the kids who buy rolexes at 15k instead of 2k and say they had a local meal.

WBS anchors are like those kids whose parents used to have it all, they used to have sandwiches in their lunch boxes but now there is fried cassava and mandazi instead. There was a time when their parents would drop them at school while driving Land Cruisers but now they arrive by boda. Other kids used to be jealous of them because they used to go to schools like Buganda road, Shimoni or Lohana which were considered top class but now no one cares.

Bukedde T.V anchors are the kids who say and do scandalous stuff way above their age, the ones who used to put mirrors under girls’ desks to…study biology. They are the kids who always wore the sack or had a bone strung around their necks because of speaking vernacular. During break time they would argue about who was the best amongst Rambo, swaziniga or chakinollisi…and blows would settle the arguments where necessary.

Urban T.V anchors are the kids whose report cards had comments like…“try harder”, “he is on his way but not yet there” or “he can do better”. They look at the NTV kids with some envy and hang around them all the time because they want to see the cool gadgets they have. They also want to eat some of the NTV kids` sandwiches because they only have two slices of bread in their lunch boxes. They are also the kids who had most winter nights.

NBS T.V anchors are the new kids who just joined the school from the village. Their parents have just landed in money or big position and are eager to flaunt it. The kids also display this new confidence, when a teacher asks a question in class, they will put up their hands first but give a wrong answer. They are the kids who brag how their dad has finished constructing a house in Najjeera and just bought a Mercedes Benz which has A.C.

U.B.C anchors are the kids who repeat class even in U.P.E at Kiddawalime primary school in Bukomansimbi.

BBS Terefayina. These are tight with the Bukedde t.v kids. So tight that sometimes you can’t even tell them apart. They have the same father but different mothers.

ABS T.V are just confused wierdos.

Digital-Partner-Beneath-the-lies

Beneath the lies review: Reflections of us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I could watch Flavia Tumusiime in anything. If she was in every program on UBC t.v, that would be my favorite television. If she returned to teen’s club on WBS, that station would stop being a relic in my eyes. If Flavia had starred in a movie about how wet paint dries, it would be the greatest movie ever made. Anyway, this completely rational obsession is what drew me to Urban t.v (a station whose existence is still baffling to me) for the premiere of Beneath the Lies, a show which stars Flavia and other human beings. I review the premiere and try to offer guidance on whether you should watch or find better things to do on a Sunday night.

The episode opens with a break-in at Amaru`s (Cedric Babu) house in the night, a ninja takes out the guards (who to be honest weren’t doing any guarding) and proceeds to steal Amaru`s laptop. Amaru wakes up in time to see the Ninja escape and jumps out of bed. Strangely, he is wearing khaki trousers and black shirt, iam not an expert but I think that makes for very uncomfortable night wear. Jumping out of bed with him is Hellen (played by Hellen Lukoma), yes, apparently whoever was in charge of names couldn’t be bothered find another first name for her. Amaru apparently wasn’t aware of Hellen`s presence in bed with him (Hellen, that is creepy) and fumes at her while he calls Abby (Gaetano) and his lieutenant, Paul (Daniel Omara). They play the security tapes and the ninja, we find out, is Kamali Amaru (Flavia) who is indeed Amaru`s wife. Why Kamali should go to all the trouble of killing guards instead of just walking into what should be her house is beyond me but Amaru asks Abby to make sure he retrieves the laptop.

Meanwhile, we see where Kamali has taken the laptop; it is to Suuna (played by Faisal Seguya but who you know as Rabadaba). This Suuna guy is a wrong character and iam instantly inclined to hate him, he is threatening Kamali because she doesn’t have the right password to access the laptop. The truly terrifying thing is that he is very believable when he is threatening Kamali, great acting by Rabadaba, (who knew!!)

Kamali is not feeling well, this is quite understandable, she had quite the hectic night on top of being threatened and then we are given a flashback of when, I assume, Kamali together with Keitesi (Natasha Sinayobye) were still young and under the care of Patrick “Salvador” Idringi. The camera work and setting of this scene is great, it captures the bleakness and unsettling nature of what is going on. Salvado is into child trafficking and sells the two girls to Suuna and back to the present day, we see keitesi bringing some pain killers for Kamali.

Next scene is a house party, Kamali and Keitesi are making their entrance and Abby immediately takes a liking to Kamali. Chemistry is definitely in the air between Abby and Kamali although a bit too much in the case of Kamali who I am assuming is being forced into prostitution against her will but hey, Gaetano happens to be a suave dude. They retire to the bedroom and in a blink and you miss it scene, they are done with the “bedroom activities”. Hopefully, everyone got their money`s worth. However, this had been a trap, Abby and Paul already knew Kamali and Keitesi were thieves but Abby still went ahead and got himself some stuff (what a douche!!)

Fast forward to the morning and after what was a night of vigorous interrogations, Kamali tells them where the laptop was and Paul after realizing his boss`s questionable behavior i.e. sleeping with a suspect directly calls Amaru to pick his laptop. We get a scene of Amaru interrogating his wife and threatening to shoot her…somehow I don’t believe him probably because Rabadaba is much more convincing in threatening physical violence than Cedric. Iam intrigued by what happened between Amaru and his wife though and I look forward to finding out.

When the laptop is given to Amaru, it has been wiped clean and then he goes into some speech about being a hunter, wanting to hunt, blah blah blah and thus ended the episode. Maybe Cedric`s acting will grow on me, it seemed lackluster in the premiere.

Verdict

Overall, an okay start. There is enough mystery and intrigue to tune in again and you will not cringe all the time over the acting. I hope there is more screen time for Hellen, Salvador and Rabadaba plus more romantic scenes between Flavia and Gaetano.

Meanwhile that flashback scene, how come only Flavia and Natasha grew up? Could Salvador and Rabadaba be vampires? Now, there is a twist for you…

BABE

A STORY ABOUT A DUDE WHO COULD NOT SAY HI TO A HOT BABE

 

 

 

 

 

I am at this famous Indian video library on William Street buying bootleg versions of Modern Family after such a long, hard and hectic day. I am testing it in the DVD player to make sure it is not something else when this blindingly hot chic, i repeat, blindingly hot chic enters and all the bu-video boys rush to tend to her needs( God!! in that moment, i wish i was one of them!!).

But as a sensible adult male, i maintain a cool detachment, give her one more glance and go back to testing my DVDs.

My mind however has not received the cool detachment memo, it tells me, “You freaking coward, get over there, say something cool and ask for her number, this is an exquisite vessel for the birth of your progeny. Do not let the male race down!!”

Me: Okay okay, relax I know what I am doing. I am descendant of Adam who has, through millennia of evolution has developed the tactics to approach a woman and blow her away with my “game”.

Mind: That’s what you keep telling yourself, I have not seen you blow away any lady lately, in fact the only blowing I know of is as you pass gas whenever a hot chic approaches.

Me: hey, that was just one time, let it go!!!

Mind: We will not argue about your competence or lack thereof regarding matters of the fairer sex, let us get back to the task at hand. Go and talk to blindingly hot chic.

Me: I am pondering about employing the blitzkrieg or undercover maneuvers of approach. What do you think?

Mind: what are you jabbering on about?

Me: Are you even my mind? Aren`t you automatically supposed to know what I mean, anyway what I mean is that, should I just walk over and ambush her with my awesomeness or should I pose like these video boys?

Mind: How about you just go, if you can move your feet that is…

Me: I do not appreciate your sarcasm. Okay, I am now going in.

Mind: I don’t see you moving and are you employing the sweating maneuver? Because your armpits are leaking faster that a torpedoed submarine. Tell me, do you intend to overwhelm her with your kavubuka?

Me: Shut up, and let me do my thing.

As I approach her, I cannot choose what to say, hi? hey? Hello? ki? whats up? Excuse me?

And while i ponder endlessly about the right choice of words she’s gone and now consigned to the shadows of my memory.

Mind: *sigh* your mother isn’t getting any grand kids, is she?

museveni

7 REASONS WHY PRESIDENT MUSEVENI WAS SEATED BY THE ROADSIDE IN A BUSH.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Our president has gone viral; the iconic photo of him by the roadside should by now be framed in the Uganda museum for the benefit of generation as they discuss the history of Uganda and behavior of its presidents. We at ULK convened a crisis meeting to discuss this momentous occasion and fabricate reasons as to why the president decided to have a phone call by the roadside. Seven reasons (wink wink) were identified by our brilliant staff and are detailed below.

Reminiscing the bush war days.

We all want to remember our glorious past escapades and we can all agree, the president had a very adventurous past. He must have been passing through Isingiro when suddenly a bout of nostalgia hit him hard, those days of sitting and sleeping under the stars. But of course our president can’t sit on the ground anymore (those days he was a rebel, sorry, revolutionary but now he is a general) so he had to get a chair. And he could not just sit there and do nothing (that’s for crazy people and presidential advisers) so he got a phone and called some of his remaining bush war comrades to chat about the bush days.

Ordering a rola

Unreliable information reaching us is that the president indeed likes eating rolexes. Recently however, he realized that Sula, his rolex guy, had not been putting enough tomatoes and onions in his rolex. He therefore had to sit by the roadside and call Sula to make a complaint about his rolex making skills and threaten to leave him if he did not change his ways. After Sula promised to add more tomatoes and onions, the president them made an order and instructed Sula to deliver the rolex to state house for his supper.

MTN Zone was 100%

Do you know what is rarer than Ziza Bafana singing things that make sense? It is MTN zone being at 100% during the day. As the president approached this particular spot, he realized that MTN zone was 100% so he had to sit and witness this miracle. Also, he tried moving to another spot but zone just kept going back to 30% so had to sit in that spot and utilize the opportunity.

Talking to Lyanna Mormont

If you do not know who Lyanna Mormont is, congratulations are in order for having arrived safely on earth from whichever planet you have been on. The next step as you get used to earth is to go to Zai plaza and get a pirated copy of Game of Thrones, season 6 from Papa`s video shop. Then you will know why the president had to sit down on the roadside as he talked to the ruler of Bear Island in Westeros.

Chatting on WhatsApp

There are those times when group whatsapps are on fire, everyone is chatting and jokes are flying around or two people are going at each other in a group and the insults are flying faster than you can say, awkward. This was clearly one of those times and the president being distracted by the sound of speeding vehicles decided to have a sit and properly participate in the WhatsApp chats.

Just Chirrin

Dude runs an entire country, he must get tired also. He just wanted a few minutes to rest his soul and mind and what better way to do it than sit by the roadside and breathe the clean countryside air as you answer a few phone calls.

Stealing Besigye`s thunder.

Mbu, after realizing that Besigye had been set free on bail from jail, the president took a page out of the how to steal other people`s thunder playbook…if you want people to ignore your rival`s being released from jail, take a photo seated by the roadside in a bush and making a phone call. That will get people talking about you more.

facebookblocked

WE NEED THESE MINISTRIES TOO. ASAP!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Minister for blocking out social media.

Since blocking social media channels is now a thing, we also need a minister to preside over this important matter. We don’t want to buy our weekly bundles and then, just like that, you hear social media blocked. We work hard for the money to buy MBs so they can’t just go to waste like that. Also, the minister should sensitize the nation about VPNs. What are these things? Where do we find them? Why do the people who use them think they are geniuses? Will you be charged with treason if found in possession of one? These are critical questions requiring a knowledgeable response from a minister.

Ministry of Traffic Jam.

It’s about time we realize traffic jams as a crucial constituency within this country. Everyone has been in that traffic jam where they say ayayayaya…kika!!. The kind where the taxi driver gets out of the taxi and goes to eat some katogo at a kafunda while the conductor yawns in the taxi. The ideal minister should be a taxi driver and a conductor to be a minister of state. They could introduce popular measures to reduce the stress and burden of traffic jams. For example, how about hiring Sheebah to sing during the jams, she can roll around on the cars while singing nkwaatako and then it rains, so she gets soaked  and you can see….wait, where was I?  Yes, entertainment during traffic jams.

Minister for youth unemployment.

This thing of youth unemployment is everywhere yet it is not represented at the highest levels of government. We need a minister to develop policy and strategy for the unemployed youth to engage in unemployment activities. What are unemployment activities, you ask? Ask Al Hajji Nadduli, I feel he would have the right answer for you.

Ministry for Besigye detention and prosecution.

This is surely overdue, the resources and effort required to keep Besigye in check should be consolidated and a ministry created for efficiency. It is a critical effort and therefore should be given the effort it deserves. These ministerial duties should include but not limited to the following, checking when Besigye wakes up, checking whether he brushes his teeth in the morning, finding out whether he prefers tea or porridge for the breakfast, how does he maintain that long distance relationship with Winnie? critically examining how many times he goes to the toilet (if it is more than five times, that would be weird). A report of these and other activities must be compiled and examined daily.

Presidential adviser on Stella Nyanzi affairs.

You never know what Stella Nyanzi is going to do or post on her Facebook page so it is imperative that the president is kept aware of Stella`s affairs. One day it could cause a rebellion in this country and the president wouldn’t even know.

Minister for Ludo Affairs. 

You know, just for just.

rolex

INTERVIEW WITH THE 15K ROLEX, WHAT MAKES IT SO SPECIAL?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Recently CNN did a piece on the number one economic activity for the Basoga as well as the staple food for campusers, bachelors, bachelorettes, corporates, born-again, musicians, Eddy Kenzo (he sings or he thinks he does but I refuse to call him a musician), broke people, anyway all Ugandans because we might sleep here. Then lo and behold we got a rolex that was priced more than chips and chicken. We had to search out this rare specimen and ask it why a sane Ugandan would forego ten rolexes (fifteen, if you are a good bargainer) for the price of one.

Me: Tell us, ridiculously priced rolex (RPR), are the eggs used in your making golden or is the flour sprinkled with diamonds?

RPR: That goose that laid the golden eggs was killed and don’t be silly, you don’t eat diamonds, you wear them.

Me: So then, the chef that made you must have been the original musoga, he then went to rolex school where he graduated with a first class degree in chopping tomatoes, onions and green pepper. For his masters, he learnt the delicate art of mixing all those ingredients in a cup and indeed he graduated summa cum laude from whence he pursued a PHD in….

RPR: DUDE!!! slow your roll. Chef guy was called Ruhweza and his relation to a musoga is that they all emerged from the Bantu ethnic group. Also, he was expelled from primary school for peeping at the Headmaster`s wife when she was bathing during evening prep.

Me: Which means that the knife used in your making was forged in the depths of Mount Doom. The sigiri from which you were fried was designed by Leonardo Da Vinci and thereafter handcrafted by Michelangelo. It was then carefully preserved over the centuries and eventually handed over to your chef who then brought you to delicious life.

RPR: Mount Doom doesn’t exist, and for you to mention the word sigiri in the same sentence as Da Vinci and Michelangelo is outrageous blasphemy. You should be prosecuted for treason in the Ugandan courts of law.

Me: Does that mean therefore that the fire with which you were fried descended from the heavens?

RPR: No, the fire was generated by a matchbox, made by Mukwano industries Uganda limited.

Me: The oil used must have been for the purpose of anointing but was then borrowed to aid in your making.

RPR: No, we used BIDCO cooking oil.

Me: So what makes you worth 15k?

RPR: We are moving to a middle income country and my price must also reflect this steady progress.

Henry-Kajura (1)

KADAGA TALKS TO THE ANCESTORS: WHAT REALLY WENT DOWN.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rebecca Kadaga (aka Becky with the wig hair) caused outrage in the country by going to “thank” her ancestors in Busoga for winning the speakership. She says she was just promoting tourism but that excuse is not just lame, it requires life support to even be considered an excuse. I however think that the speaker should be given a break, after all, no one is out there stoning Maama Fiina and she makes her living giving “ancestral blessings” which is a highly profitable business by the look of things. In order to convince Ugandans that their speaker is not a witch doctor, I have obtained a transcript of the conversation between her and the ancestors which should clear the air.

Ancestor 1: Becky, thanks for coming to appreciate our efforts. There are those people who never come back after getting what they want or they sneak in here in the night and wake us up when we are dreaming. I hate those people.

Ancestor 2: Speaking of people who never come back, have any of our branches received a one Bukenya Gilbert? Former mahogany now burnt charcoal.

Intern ancestor checks on visitor logs and finds no record of a visit by Bukenya.

Ancestor 2: Let’s keep that fellow confused until he learns some manners. Intern, go reduce his reasoning capacity further.

Intern: But it is at zero, no one takes him seriously anymore.

Ancestor 2: okay, we shall convene a meeting to discuss the next steps. Sorry Becky, we are not paying enough attention. Intern, go prepare some lemon juice for our girl.

Ancestor 1: Eh, but Becky those ancestors of Omoro were not easy, they had refused to accept defeat. Can you believe they even awakened Gipir and Nyabongo and we all know those two never really got along.

Ancestor 2: If it wasn’t for the intervention of Kintu, stuff had jam. That ka-Gipir guy came waving his spear and we had all scattered. But Kintu came in and put him in his proper place, told him to stop being too greedy or he would face the music. He was like mbu trying to refuse again and Kintu just pulled out a 600 mm caliber RPG-7V2, reloadable launcher.

Ancestor 1: We all know you cannot bring a spear to an RPG fight. Hahaha, you should have seen the look on Gipir`s face.

Intern: It was like some expendables shit!!

Ancestor 2: So you are watching movies instead of the work we give you. Be careful, I will not give you a recommendation letter when your internship ends.

Intern: There isn’t any work anymore. Everyone prays to Jesus nowadays and they get what they want. You don’t even have to pay anything. Your business model is very obsolete.

Ancestor 2: What do you know? You just died a few years ago, for us we have been dead for centuries and know much more than you do.

Ancestor 1: You guys, where has Becky gone? Don’t tell she has already left!!

Ancestor 2: Kale, I wanted to talk to her about Besigye. He looks like he could use our services.

Intern: Me, I want to get saved.

Ancestor  2: GET THE F*** OUT OF HERE!!!

OMG-cat-1__880

AFTER LEICESTER CITY WIN, DREAMS TO START COMING TRUE EVERYWHERE.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Following Leicester`s (no, not lechesta, its les-tar) unimaginable football triumph, other dreamers have also got “gas” to believe that their dreams will become true. We traversed the streets of Kampala to find these dreamers and which dreams they believe are about to come true. We got two dreamers who were willing to share with us there fantasies, sorry,  I mean dreams.

A-Pass

The crooner anticipates that he will be walking done the aisle with Flavia Tumusiime anytime soon. Following his relentless but so far unfruitful pursuit of the radio and t.v goddess that is Flavia, Bagonza now believes that this dream about  to turn to reality.  We caught up with him as he was haggling over prices for mass mobile messages inviting all well-wishers for wedding meetings.

ULK: Bagonza, eh, you are already planning for wedding meetings?

A-Pass: Yes, the moment Leicester won the premier league I knew I had to get a move on. You know I had been praying for a sign to show that I am not chasing a unicorn, (although she is rare like that, right?) Anyway what better sign could be there than a Leicester city win?

ULK: But has she said yes?

A-pass: She will, I have faith just like the guys who bet on Leicester City winning the title.

ULK: You could have faith that you will win a Grammy award, doesn’t mean it will happen?

A-pass: I will not invite you to the wedding if you say such negative things.

ULK: You mean the imaginary wedding?

A-Pass: Yes, even that one.

ULK: Dude, I sure hope not. I don’t want to be in any of your dreams!!!

A-Pass: My dreams are focused on Flavia. You know there was this one dream where she was in a t-shirt and it was raining so you could see the outlines of her…

ULK:  hey hey hey, cool it. My boss doesn’t allow me to write what I think you are about to say. looks like your dreams are already coming true anyway even if it is just in your head. I am just wasting my time here.

Goddess

Goddess

Arsenal fans

If there is a group of individuals who have attained the patience of the biblical Job, it is Arsenal fans. The last time Arsenal won the premier league, Obama had not been elected U.S president, the I phone hadn’t been invented and President Museveni had said he was ruling for his last term. Instead of weeping at the sight of Leicester city winning the trophy, some Arsenal fans indeed, now believe the premier league will be theirs soon.

ULK: There are dreams and then, there are delusions. As an Arsenal fan, aren’t you suffering from delusions masquerading as dreams?

Arsenal fan: Everyone thought that Leicester city was deluded when they appointed Claudio Ranieri as coach but look at what he has achieved. Or look at the Boston Red Sox, it took them 86 years between trophies but it still came.

ULK: In 86 years, you will be so dead that there will be a shopping mall over your grave.

Arsenal fan: I may be dead physically but I have children who will continue the cause of supporting Arsenal and their joy will be my joy wherever or whatever I shall be.

ULK: How sure are you that your children will support Arsenal?

Arsenal fan: If I give birth to kids who do not support Arsenal, either my wife cheated on me or my wife  cheated on me.

ULK: That is some illogical reasoning. You kids may just not want to be losers

Arsenal fan: I am an Arsenal fan, not thinking clearly is part of the deal.

index

besigye_5

BESIGYE`S LIST OF DEFIANCE ACTIVITIES LEAKS.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kale Kayihura finally allowed Besigye to breath, sort of. He had been suffocating in the vast expanse of his kasangati home watching Wonder Woman battle Doomsday while Batman played hide and seek (seriously dude, man up…Batman, not Besigye). Besigye, however is now free to roam the country except in Kampala or any  town center for that matter or be anywhere where two or more people could gather to hear him speak or head to prayers…the exceptions list is still developing. Here at ULK we have landed on a list of defiance activities that show the police are in fact right in trying to stop Besigye from, you know, being.

Buying Gonja.

Exclusive information reaching our news desk indicates that Besigye will seek to cause severe Gonja shortage in Kasangati and the country at large. Having been kept indoors without access to gonja has unleashed his monster appetite which he will seek to satisfy by invading all the known gonja selling places. Besigye moles have already been placed in critical gonja selling areas like Namawojjolo and have been seen buying ridiculously huge amounts of this delicacy (you know yourselves). There is however a sinister motive behind this move as a gonja shortage is likely to cause kampala residents to rise up in defiance because, let’s face it, there are only two kinds people in this world, those who like gonja and monsters.

Endangered species

Endangered species

Watch Captain America Civil War.

On May 1, Besigye will not be found in Kasangati. He will be heading to a cinema to see the defiant Captain dish it out with the authority (Iron Man). If you are wondering who Besigye will be supporting in this showdown, welcome to planet earth from whichever galaxy you had been marooned on. Classified intelligence indicates that the colonel will seek to identify guerilla tactics employed by the captain as well as also ogle Scarlet Johansson. It will be imperative for police to stop such a venture because, one, definitely the government doesn’t want him to learn tactics from guy who beat the Nazis by basically swinging a metal plate around and secondly, with his eyes, there will be nothing left for the rest of us to ogle when Besigye is done.

Eh!!, this guy is not for jokes.

Eh!!, dude means business

Change weather pattern to winter.

Have you noticed how all of a sudden it`s raining after the 40 day siege ended? If you haven’t, we have not noticed on your behalf. Data gathered from various fictitious weather stations and maama fiina indicates that rain had been on a defiance campaign until Kifefe`s release. To demonstrate further these previously unknown powers, Besigye will bring winter to these shores. Although the date for this act could not be readily established, it is predicted that this will happen around the same time pigs will start flying as well. So if you are crushing pork ribs and one of them flies out of your mouth, winter is coming.

Our investigation shows these activities could cause severe paralysis and be a catastrophe to this nation therefore a robust police response will be required if such activities are to be stopped.