Category Archives: WTH

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AFTER LEICESTER CITY WIN, DREAMS TO START COMING TRUE EVERYWHERE.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Following Leicester`s (no, not lechesta, its les-tar) unimaginable football triumph, other dreamers have also got “gas” to believe that their dreams will become true. We traversed the streets of Kampala to find these dreamers and which dreams they believe are about to come true. We got two dreamers who were willing to share with us there fantasies, sorry,  I mean dreams.

A-Pass

The crooner anticipates that he will be walking done the aisle with Flavia Tumusiime anytime soon. Following his relentless but so far unfruitful pursuit of the radio and t.v goddess that is Flavia, Bagonza now believes that this dream about  to turn to reality.  We caught up with him as he was haggling over prices for mass mobile messages inviting all well-wishers for wedding meetings.

ULK: Bagonza, eh, you are already planning for wedding meetings?

A-Pass: Yes, the moment Leicester won the premier league I knew I had to get a move on. You know I had been praying for a sign to show that I am not chasing a unicorn, (although she is rare like that, right?) Anyway what better sign could be there than a Leicester city win?

ULK: But has she said yes?

A-pass: She will, I have faith just like the guys who bet on Leicester City winning the title.

ULK: You could have faith that you will win a Grammy award, doesn’t mean it will happen?

A-pass: I will not invite you to the wedding if you say such negative things.

ULK: You mean the imaginary wedding?

A-Pass: Yes, even that one.

ULK: Dude, I sure hope not. I don’t want to be in any of your dreams!!!

A-Pass: My dreams are focused on Flavia. You know there was this one dream where she was in a t-shirt and it was raining so you could see the outlines of her…

ULK:  hey hey hey, cool it. My boss doesn’t allow me to write what I think you are about to say. looks like your dreams are already coming true anyway even if it is just in your head. I am just wasting my time here.

Goddess

Goddess

Arsenal fans

If there is a group of individuals who have attained the patience of the biblical Job, it is Arsenal fans. The last time Arsenal won the premier league, Obama had not been elected U.S president, the I phone hadn’t been invented and President Museveni had said he was ruling for his last term. Instead of weeping at the sight of Leicester city winning the trophy, some Arsenal fans indeed, now believe the premier league will be theirs soon.

ULK: There are dreams and then, there are delusions. As an Arsenal fan, aren’t you suffering from delusions masquerading as dreams?

Arsenal fan: Everyone thought that Leicester city was deluded when they appointed Claudio Ranieri as coach but look at what he has achieved. Or look at the Boston Red Sox, it took them 86 years between trophies but it still came.

ULK: In 86 years, you will be so dead that there will be a shopping mall over your grave.

Arsenal fan: I may be dead physically but I have children who will continue the cause of supporting Arsenal and their joy will be my joy wherever or whatever I shall be.

ULK: How sure are you that your children will support Arsenal?

Arsenal fan: If I give birth to kids who do not support Arsenal, either my wife cheated on me or my wife  cheated on me.

ULK: That is some illogical reasoning. You kids may just not want to be losers

Arsenal fan: I am an Arsenal fan, not thinking clearly is part of the deal.

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BESIGYE`S LIST OF DEFIANCE ACTIVITIES LEAKS.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kale Kayihura finally allowed Besigye to breath, sort of. He had been suffocating in the vast expanse of his kasangati home watching Wonder Woman battle Doomsday while Batman played hide and seek (seriously dude, man up…Batman, not Besigye). Besigye, however is now free to roam the country except in Kampala or any  town center for that matter or be anywhere where two or more people could gather to hear him speak or head to prayers…the exceptions list is still developing. Here at ULK we have landed on a list of defiance activities that show the police are in fact right in trying to stop Besigye from, you know, being.

Buying Gonja.

Exclusive information reaching our news desk indicates that Besigye will seek to cause severe Gonja shortage in Kasangati and the country at large. Having been kept indoors without access to gonja has unleashed his monster appetite which he will seek to satisfy by invading all the known gonja selling places. Besigye moles have already been placed in critical gonja selling areas like Namawojjolo and have been seen buying ridiculously huge amounts of this delicacy (you know yourselves). There is however a sinister motive behind this move as a gonja shortage is likely to cause kampala residents to rise up in defiance because, let’s face it, there are only two kinds people in this world, those who like gonja and monsters.

Endangered species

Endangered species

Watch Captain America Civil War.

On May 1, Besigye will not be found in Kasangati. He will be heading to a cinema to see the defiant Captain dish it out with the authority (Iron Man). If you are wondering who Besigye will be supporting in this showdown, welcome to planet earth from whichever galaxy you had been marooned on. Classified intelligence indicates that the colonel will seek to identify guerilla tactics employed by the captain as well as also ogle Scarlet Johansson. It will be imperative for police to stop such a venture because, one, definitely the government doesn’t want him to learn tactics from guy who beat the Nazis by basically swinging a metal plate around and secondly, with his eyes, there will be nothing left for the rest of us to ogle when Besigye is done.

Eh!!, this guy is not for jokes.

Eh!!, dude means business

Change weather pattern to winter.

Have you noticed how all of a sudden it`s raining after the 40 day siege ended? If you haven’t, we have not noticed on your behalf. Data gathered from various fictitious weather stations and maama fiina indicates that rain had been on a defiance campaign until Kifefe`s release. To demonstrate further these previously unknown powers, Besigye will bring winter to these shores. Although the date for this act could not be readily established, it is predicted that this will happen around the same time pigs will start flying as well. So if you are crushing pork ribs and one of them flies out of your mouth, winter is coming.

Our investigation shows these activities could cause severe paralysis and be a catastrophe to this nation therefore a robust police response will be required if such activities are to be stopped.

WHAT OR WHO IS A TRUMP?

The Bible says we were all created in God`s image however God would smite you with a vengeance if you spewed out such nonsense when it comes to the case of Donald Trump. If God  created the world in 6 days and rested, then Trump`s god is still running around trying to rein in his only creation and go back to the drawing board  or just retire and chill things of creating stuff. Trump could be one harrowing experience he may never or indeed anyone could ever recover from.

Here below is the stuff that makes Trump; Trump.

Intelligence.

Hahahahhahahaha, I haven’t laughed that hard since Ragga Dee declared that he was running for mayor of Kampala. What intelligence? Trump`s relationship with intelligence is tenuous at best and non-existent most of the times. Whereas exhaustive and conclusive research has not yet been concluded on the matter, there is a prevailing theory that Trump has no brains, just a grayish concoction akin to porridge. We can therefore conclude that Trump and intelligence can’t be mentioned in the same sentence unless you want to unleash world war 3.

Hair.

There is an existential battle being waged on top of Mr. Trump’s head, it involves a comb, a tonne of hair products and his hair (or what is left of it). This is how the battle unfolds, the comb is deployed to attack the wisps of hair on Mr. Trump`s head, the hair vigorously defends its territory but is eventually decimated by Mr. Trump`s legendary skill in combing hair (perhaps his greatest skill)  however, the hair calls in the heavy artillery, i.e. the hair products. The principal offensive tactic of the hair products is to replenish the strands that still languish on the head however this mission encounters strong resistance as Mr. Trump’s head is like the Sahara desert, the only thing that grows there are terrorists.

Bravado, ego.

Donald Trump told the Mexicans that he will build a wall to stop them coming to America and not only that, the Mexicans will, apparently pay for the wall. That is first class kamanyiiro, it`s like a dude who elopes with your wife and then comes back for your daughter too. His bravado is so large that he decided to run for U.S president by basically insulting everything under the sun apart from his mother, presumably. The dude must have attended the Tamale Mirundi Institute of insults and uttering nonsense where he was expelled for showing prodigious skill.

Hate figure.

The last time the world was this united when hating on something, it was King Joffrey or Johnny Depp in the Lone Ranger (but that may be just me and a couple of Native Americans) Unfortunately we have no Tyrion Lannister to slap some sense into that gigantic head of his but hopefully the Americans can come to their senses although as a wise man once said, no one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public. Which is why Trump is running for president and one of the highest rated reality T.V shows in the U.S is called duck dynasty. Be glad you are Ugandan.

SOCIAL MEDIA BLOCKAGE; VIEWS FROM THE PEOPLE.

The great social media blackout of February 2016 had a devastating impact on Uganda`s chattering and selfie taking masses. We sent out our investigative journalists to all the corners of this nation to investigate this impact and they sent back these hard hitting reports from distraught house wives and unemployed WhatsApp administrators.

ULK: Random celebrity chic who spends her time posting Instagram selfies with endless hashtags and Facebook posts choking on grammatical errors, please tell us how these past days without Instagram and Facebook were for you.

Random celebrity chic: eh eh eh!!! Doz werrr such dark deyz 4 me, I don`t wanna think `bout it. I even made appointment with a doctor 2 help me cope wiz the distress dat I saw in those days. The inability to see ma fans telling me hw haaat I am wz nt pleasant; it left me lost n alone. Is dat hw ugly chics be feeling all da time? Eh, banange, it was so scarrry. But check out ma new selfies dat I hav just post on ma Instagram 2de. #haterzgonnahate. #barkinbusiness. #owsome

ULK: Reporting from Naalya, I have with me here a WhatsApp administrator who was rendered unemployed by the blockage. Below are his views on the matter.

WhatsApp administrator: First of all, I would like to say how intoxicating it is to be an admin. All that power to just remove anyone if I so wished with just a touch of the finger was thrilling. I remember my primary school teacher, Mr. Lukyamuzi telling me I would never amount to anything consequential in life but here I am, an administrator of not one, not two but three groups. Take that Mr.Lukyamuzi. Anyway, about the blockage, it hit me quite hard, people were no longer as nice to me but I knew the moment would come when the blockage would be no more. Those people will see.

ULK: Here in kawempe, we found a housewife who was willing to share with us her ordeal.

Housewife: gwe, those days I even learnt where the kitchen was, it was such a harrowing affair. Omanyi, the house girl is the one who does everything while I do pedicures, my hair and share gossip on my numerous WhatsApp groups. But munange, I was so bored that I even became hungry so I decided to go and cook something. I looked for the kitchen and couldn’t find it until the house girl showed it to me, wabula, it had been long. I would like to thank President Museveni for putting WhatsApp back, abeewo.

ULK: We also bumped into a side dish who had this to say.

Side dish: I was unable to fulfil my side dish activities which include among other things: occasionally trading insults with the main dish, whatsapping men at ungodly hours, sending some nude pictures etc. It’s a hard job being a side dish, you have to continually be relevant otherwise you may end up being a side dish to the side dish of the main dish which is why I didn’t welcome mr.mutabazi`s intervention. It was not good for business at all; I was unable to send someone else`s husband compromising pictures of myself and this is one of the critical functions of my role. I also missed getting my daily MBs

ULK: It was imperative that we get a comment from the most vocal and politically astute constituents of this nation about the social media blockage, the boda bodas.

Boda boda man: The Americans switched off social media. The Americans have a switch for everything; Facebook, internet, television, electricity even rain, that is why there is no drought there. Never joke with Americans, they are very powerful, they can even hear what we are saying now. There were American planes flying over Uganda and when those planes are flying over a country, everything is switched off. UCC just pretended that they had blocked the social media.

ULK: Campus I.T student.

Campus I.T student: Dude, VPN.

Upcoming Releases That Probably Won’t

You're right. It might not fit....

You’re right. It might not fit….

Following the uproar wrought by the 50 Shades of Grey movie (and the uprooting of carrots and cucumbers), the logical thing to do is manage our expectations. No reason we should get turned on knowing full well we may not even share a drink from the same cup. That said, we thought we would ask the government’s censorship committee to identify some movies we might have to turn our FOMO dial down for.

Cinderella – Cate Blanchett, Lily James

Conductor, first chill, I have no dime for fuel…

On the surface, it’s a simple tale of a young lady’s pursuit for a happy ending and her suspect choice of footwear. Look again and beneath the saccharine exterior a more sinister propaganda comes to play. It’s a story of a young lady who throws herself at a rich man and then seduces him by leaving items of her clothing behind. On top of that, she relies on witchcraft provided by a stranger only identified as Fairy God Mother…or FGM. Is it a coincidence that the same initials stand for Female Genital Mutilation? I think not. We do not want our young ladies’ morals compromised, so this is a no-go.

Get Hard – Will Ferrel, Kevin Hart

Black guy 'kwe-tying" tuts..

Black guy ‘kwe-tying” tuts..

The adverts that we’ve seen so far suggest that the story is about a white man who needs to toughen up for the life waiting for him in prison. Of course that would be just fine, but look again. The poster for the movie features a young black man braiding a white man’s hair. Initially we were going to ban it on the basis that it messes up people’s self-esteem by suggesting that we are still under the thumb of the white devil, but we took a closer look and with the help of a pastor put two and two together. It’s clearly a movie about inter-racial homosexuality. The name is very telling, but it’s the fact that the white man is being tied bi-tu-twa that put the final nail in the coffin.

Furious 7 – Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Dwayne Johnson and their friends

See, America is not racist

The cast of America: Not racist at all

This movie is wrong on very many levels. After we’ve fought to defend our nation’s leader for the better part of two decades, this movie comes and suggests in its title that he is angry. You can tell they tried to veil their intentions by dropping the M, but we saw right through this deceit. In one trailer you can see a black guy, possibly Ugandan going by his name, Tarsis Gibson, being teased mercilessly by his friends for praying. As if that’s not bad enough, they opted to use flashy cars. If the movie producers really had any goodwill for our government, then the characters would all be driving big yellow buses.

The Avengers: Age of Ultron – Too many people

More kavuyo than the taxi park

More kavuyo than the taxi park

In what is clearly an opposition move, this one is about how a group of people gang up with plans to overthrow the one person who has the best intentions of the people. He even declares how he is not corrupt by telling them that he has no strings on him… directly translated, he has no ties to people’s money. And how do they repay him, buy bringing in foreign aid and attempting to overthrow him. We won’t air this one because it promotes dissidence. Age of Ultron? More like Age of Ulterior! There’s also kaboozi of someone creating Vision. How is that possible? Vision is not created. You either have it or you don’t, and as you are all aware by now, only one person has the vision here.

Jurassic World- Chris Pratt and some other people

Dinosaurs be like: PHOTO BOMBED YOUR SELFIE

Dinosaurs be like: PHOTO BOMBED YOUR SELFIE

This movie is not necessarily bad, however it undermines the history we have been pushing in schools. All the adults reading this know about Gipir and Labongo, Kintu and his bae-Nambi, introducing dinosaurs in to that mix will just confuse the public. In this case we weighed our options and it didn’t make sense to have a bunch of adults feeling like their whole lives have been based on lies. This is why we won’t be showing this one either.

Ant Man – Paul Rudd, Michael Douglas

Prepping to drop that Luga-Flow jam

Prepping to drop that Luga-Flow jam

In this movie, the little guy saves the day. That’s how wars begin. Look at Libya’s Arab Spring. It started when an absolute nobody sent RIA (Rise in Arms) instead of LOL and then before you knew it, more and more people joined the uprising. We have our hands full with striking lecturers and students at Makerere, we don’t have time for people who have been inspired by movies. This will not air and you will thank us when you realise we have also spared you the tear gas and embarrassing strawberry yoghurt.

 

Mission Impossible V – Tom Cruise, Stunts

christopher-mcquarrie-tom-cruise-jack-reacher1

Dereva, wali ku stage…

We honestly had no problem with this particular film, however we received a call from the same pastor who had received a vision of the outcome of the 2016 elections. He said that he had met with the balokole group and the consensus was that having a movie with the word Impossible in the title would go against their preaching that “nothing is Impossible”. To go against them and let this movie show in the cinema would be to lead the flock astray and we cannot condone such things. This movie has therefore been terminated.

The Fantastic Four

Electricity is going you guys, have you charged?

Electricity is going you guys, have you charged?

The title of this movie sounds suspiciously like a coalition of opposition members. Is it Mao, Besigye, Ssebagala and that Denzel guy from Big Brother? We like that Denzel guy from Big Brother, but if he has decided to team up with these people we will not stand for this. This movie is under investigation for what exactly it stands for. Is it a friend or is it a foe. The title says four, which sounds a lot like foe, so we may have no choice but to refuse this one also.

Chew on that for a while..

 

Museveni Pauses Game Of Thrones, Reshuffles Cabinet.

It’s not complicated. Someone messed with President Museveni’s iPad and now his iTunes shuffle feature won’t work. Something had to be shuffled. And so he shuffled.

♫ EVERY DAY I'M SHUFFLING ♪...

♫ EVERY DAY I’M SHUFFLING ♪…

Hi. My name is Eric, and this is the Uganda Cabinet Reshuffle 2015.

Museveni kept his position as president. A very lucky man indeed. So did H.E Bobi Wine, beloved president of the Internal Republic of Kamwokya.

The Vice President is still, as expected, unknown. Unfortunately, the Editor didn’t care much to ask us to Google him. “I don’t think he’s known there either,” he said as he walked out for his nose-picking break.

And since the boss is out, who cares about these lists? Unless you have a relative in there or you just want to check whose bank account the next public funds will be sent to. Does anyone have the new episode of Empire? I’ve only watched like…oh, he’s back.

Father Lokodo is still State Minister For Sex. He was set to be moved to Internal Affairs before they realised ‘Internal’ means ‘in the country’, not ‘in the bedroom’.

Unfortunately, Maria Kiwanuka, founder and chairman of the phrase ‘Madam Supiika Sir’, is no longer Minister of Finance. The few who stayed awake during budget readings are now cursed into eternal slumber. During her tenure, Miss Kiwanuka saw a great many improvements especially in the way wigs are worn and the way the budget briefcase is carried like Denzel Washington walking away from an explosion. She is now in the more dormant role of Senior Presidential Adviser for Finance.

Remember Jim Muhwezi? Who was found mismanaging Global Fund money back in 2006? He’s back as Information Minister. Hashtag Schwarzenegger. His main role as Information Minister is to inform you that he didn’t eat the money and even if he did, and you do what?

Hajji Nasser English Ssebaggala maintains his position as Portfolio Without Minister and for that, he gets a lollipop.

Rape Minister Ronald Kibuule was transferred to the Ministry of Water. They say dehydration has an adverse impact on mental function.

A few other notable people were also maintained in their current positions. Janet Museveni is still a rich wife, Desire Luzinda is still a sex tape, Ragga Dee is still not wanted on radio and Erias Lukwago is still as if somehow maybe Lord Mayor. A bit.

That’s it for today. The rest you’ll know about in corruption scandals.

A letter to, Nanyonga, my Valentine’s Day date

Dear, Nanyonga,

First off, I am sorry to address you by your biological, ancient, ancestral, mother-tongued name. The other name skipped my mind. Will you allow me call you Nanyonga for now? Okay. I am writing this letter with my heart in my palms. I plucked it out of my chest because every time I thought about Valentine’s Day, it would slap, kick, thump, pinch, mstchewww, beat and clobber me. And I hate slaps. Can I fax it over to you, sweet Nanyonga?

Nanyonga, my sweet binyebwa. My calendar told me mbu Valentine’s Day is soon. At first, I thought it had lied, but on close inspection and consultation from National Valentine’s Day Council (NVDC) settled the argument. Will you be my date, Nanyonga? Forget that silly TV show hosted by that thing with nice legs and swollen things on her hips. Be my date, Nany. I have been waiting for this opportunity to pour out my feelings to you. You know I love you, don’t you? Remember when I beeped you late at night? It was a sign of love. And the silence meant that I never wanted to bother you. I hate bothering people I love. Yes, yes, your phone call I switched off, I never wanted to chew your airtime.

Val’s Day is on Sato. I am consciously constipating myself, waiting for the big day. On that day, Nanyonga, you will know that nze wuwo like Jamal. NRM, oyeeee! Kati, I am these ends combing Owino Market for the best garments to unleash on that day. I want us to be trendy and dapper. I want us to show Kanye and Kim that we own this shit. I want Jay and Beyonce to sing a song about us in abject nuggu. I am looking for red garments; stockings, handkerchiefs, et al. What should I get you? A purple half-petty? Will do. Forget that roses claptrap. I will get you something bigger. If possible, I will carry a tree. Or a bush.

We shall walk on the streets, holding hands. The street kids will beg us mbu ‘Sebo, sebo..’ I won’t listen to those haters. We shall walk to the cinemas. Have you heard of Sixty Greys of Shades? It is a new film. Oba by Van Damme. But I hear it is romantic. We shall watch it as others will be boring themselves to death. Thereafter, we shall have a candlelit dinner. I have already bought my packets of candles. And packets of matchboxes. I haven’t bought the dinner yet, but in this era of Rolexes and all food, we will be covered. I might not buy you an acre of land in Lake Victoria. That shit is overrated, by the way. What if you drown in that little piece of land? Loss. I might not buy you a car. Cars are stressful. In this traffic jam of ours. But Nanyonga, sweet baibe, I will buy anything on that day. Even chewing gum. I will buy.

 

Would you be my Valentine’s?

21 Questions?

50 Cent released an album with the chart topping ‘In da club’ way back in 2001 and on it was ’21 questions’. Below are the original lyrics. He just changed them so he wouldn’t pay me. Greedy bastard!

1. Who really let the dogs out?
2. If there’s a Vice President, don’t we at least deserve a Virtue President too?
3. Were the keys to Beenieman’s BeeMa ever found?
4. Why did it take them years to notice that there was a letter missing in KCC?
5. Has Michael Ross ever filed a missing career case with police?
6. Is UMEME mandated to distribute electricity or blackouts?
7. Why are the blackouts distributed for free?
8. Does Besigye go on strike or do the strikes go on Besigye?
9. Why are they called Smartphones if they don’t know who killed Captain Alex?
10. If they are the fastest animals, why are cheaters always caught?
11. Is Fat Boyz only for fat boys?
12. Why is Jinja Road in Kampala?
13. If all roads lead to Rome, why does the Northern Bypass go only up to Masaka?
14. What did ‘Blu 3’ have against the letter ‘e’?
15. If an Executive Director directs, does a Kampala Mayor may?
16. How come there’s a school called Manchester United in Kampala but there’s no school called Kampala United in Manchester?
17. How many sevens are in Museveni?
18. Why was every region in Uganda given a district and yet the country itself wasn’t given one?
19. Does Bobi Wine drink wine?
20. Did Bebe Cool start out as Cool Cool Bar?
21. Is Straka in Kampala or is Kampala in Straka?

If you can answer all, then you should be the first in line to get a national ID.

What if MH370 was a Ugandan Aeroplane!

The state address from the Prime Minister.

“Attention. Can I get your attention please? Afande, give them the teargas. Now, calm down my people. The government is working on finding the answers. All we know is that the plane disappeared from thin air, and we are trying to find out if the sky has anything to do with this. It has also come to our attention that Uganda is in the tropics so for a plane to disappear in thin air is something you don’t find in the tropics and we don’t have thin air. We are now investigating the thin air, and we have got some leads there too.

We have a parliamentary committee that has been set up to investigate the perpetrators of this hideous act. This is not what we fought for in the bush war. Our cadres and comrades did not die for this.

Our parliament now has the technology to find out and locate the missing plane. My afande here tells me that there’s an app you can download from the apple store that can track things. How else do you think we find Besigye?

We have also set up a parliamentary committee to give five million shillings to the aggrieved families. We are sorry that this happened and we promise we are working on it. People who are trying to unsettle our government shall not prosper.

We have sent our investigation team to Soroti flying school to further investigate and see if the pilots had degrees or diplomas. That is very essential in discovering their motives.

Our police dogs are also trained to sniff out black boxes and the police is already doing that.

We are sitting as parliament to discuss the allowances we are going to give ourselves to discuss what exactly transpired to UA370.

We have ruled out Kony, Besigye and Lukwago but we have our police standing on standby waiting to see if they have anything to do with this.

Please, we beg you dear Ugandans, if you kidnapped the plane, don’t kill it.

We have ruled out that the plane landed in water. Our technology is not yet water resistant so it must be somewhere on land.

The leader of opposition should also stop suggesting we bring in aero dynamic specialists and investigation teams from outside countries. We don’t want them to bring their homosexual acts here. We as a country can handle it with our panel of experts and definitely when we seat down as a parliament and discuss, we shall discover who the real culprit is.

Thank you very much.

God Bless Our Country.

Afande, you can stop firing the teargas now.”

How To Bag That Vote For President

It’s gonna be an election year in a couple of months and you know what that means. That’s right, the candidates are going to go to outrageous lengths to swing the youth vote their way. The incumbent took to rap as a means of showing that he was hip and cool and all that, but how is he going to get people to take notice come next election period, you don’t actually want another rap, do you? {I’m intentionally being vague seeing as the elections may or may not be in 2016 depending on how the decision makers feel about freebies around that time}

Has anyone considered the possibility he was actually voting by touchscreen?

Has anyone considered the possibility he was actually voting by touchscreen?

Turns out, M7 has already started with the ”Cool-cool” already by jumping on the selfie bandwagon, so now all that remains is to see how the opposition is going to even the playing field. With rap and photography already done and dusted, there’s only so much you can do…

TROLLING :  Verb | The art of deliberately, cleverly, and secretly pissing people off, usually via the internet, using dialogue.

The most likely candidate to pull this off is Warren B. He has proven that he has the chops to annoy people by merely walking, imagine what he can do if he really applied himself? Of course there is still that hurdle he has to jump over; getting the president to accept his friendship request on facebook. While he waits, he can hope to high heavens that the selfie the president took appears on instagram or twitter where he can post remarks such as, “At least I have the foresight to keep my eyes open in photos lol”

FOXING: Verb | Claiming you will do something and then not delivering at the last minute

You can NOT, and I repeat NOT {to be able to make my word limit}, get any more youthful than this. Scores of young uns are familiar with the concept and are usually easy to recognise as the ones that have been forced to share that bottle of krest in the club because their sponsor ‘foxed’. In case you are reading this and thinking, “Hang on a minute, I know a guy that did that,” you’re right, but I doubt Otunnu will be rehashing that move. What is this, his taste in fashion?

TWIRRA: Popular online destination for people with stage fright to express a brief 140 character long opinion

Now this is not really very conducive for our politicians because, let’s face it, even when they shouldn’t, they have a lot to say. Think birthday parties for instance, “I would like to wish this young girl a happy birthday. Happy birthday young girl. May you grow up to be a force of change. Let the people who see you allow! The struggle is real. Speaking of struggles, when we first had elections, we didn’t think things would come to this. But you see how they have become. Anyway, God is there. But you need to also hope for free and fair elections. A country without these, is no country for old men. You see us here, but there will be blood. As you look around you, take not of the faces. Some of these people don’t wish you well. They are cubs in lambs’ clothing. Do you know what a cub is? Actually, they are the mafia…” … and that’s the guy you will expect to follow on twitter?

SEX TAPES: Let’s save this one for the Guild Elections article

HANGING OUT AT THE NEW MALLS; KFC, PLANET YOGHURT, LA PATISERRIE, CINEMAS etc

The problem with this is you can not shake off the feeling that it will eventually turn messy with the politician trying to convince you that it is in your best interest to actually pay for his meal. Failing that, the conversation will get drawn out unnecessarily with people observing that the mini-skirt law didn’t actually kick in, or, and this happened to me, there are greater threats than that stupid law after all; People who go to these places for the sheer sake of doing maalo and having their pictures taken. FACT. Just because you posed in front of one of ours, there’s no real reason the person at the visa office will let you go and pose in front of one of theirs.

PHOTOBOMBING: The act of showing up uninvited in someone else’s photograph.

This is fast gaining traction and there is no real reason a politician shouldn’t leap on this particular bandwagon. All they need to know before hand is that for a photobomb to work, they need to actually be the secondary party in the shot. It does not make sense for someone to wrap their hands around you like some needy octopus clamoring for attention and then smugly declaring, “Ha, I exploded your photograph”