Category Archives: Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire: Justus of The Peas

Alan “Tailored Shoots” Kasujja, the Host of this show, steps to the screen like Don Cornelius, who people of our age group should know is the host of Soul Train.

It’s Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Lets recap this here.

The thing is I never liked any of my teachers. Ever. So when the contestant who comes on, Moses from Iganga, shows up, I can’t root for this guy.
Cos he looks like a teacher. I mean, he’s not, but he has the morphology of teachers, the facial construction.  There is someone somewhere who resembles him who canes little kids. I’m just saying. It’s not his fault, but I want him to fail.

And baby class deals him a roundhouse to the face: he has to call up 50-50 for the very first question. He wasn’t sure what “lean” means.
I had a teacher who liked to say “bend sideways”. I hahad.

Moses  looks like he is drawing the answer from the depths of his duodenum. The look on his face says he’s clenching his bums to squeeze the answers up to his head. He was on his final lifeline calling his buddy Christopher, who sounded as befuddled and distressed as clenchy as him, when asked what the place where the pilots be is called: Is it a cabin, a starboard, a foreclosure or a thingy…what’s that word again? A nankani.

We returned from commercials for Lord Allan Kasugar to deliver the verdict. Moses is fired. Five hundred thou and go and find an aeroplane and look at it and if you see a cabin on that mofo come back and we’ll add you more.

 

The Second victim was one Justus who looks like Tweetybird in a leather jacket. It’s not a physical resemblene. It’s metaphorical one. I swear Alan needs to get guests who don’t look like they can fit in his pocket.
One of the questions is: In which of these can a person swim? Cup basin pool or bottle. Justus can probably swim in an Alan-sized bbafu…

 

He gets to 500,000 with the blasphemous assertion that life on earth is powered by the sun. We all know life is powered by LOVE. Love is what makes the world go round!

Bitch!

Well, that’s what you get for spewing such: you get struck by craziness. The contestant loses his mind and after calling a useless friend to find out how the similie “as like as” ends and, being told zilch, he guesses that the answer is C: Sisters, and then he asks Alan if he is sisters. No, that’s not a typo. He looks up at Alan and asks, “Are you sisters?”

 

For the record the answer is No. Alan Kasujja is NOT sisters.

 

We cut to a commercial during which, I presume, the studio medic arrives to administer antipsychotics.
Justus went back to his motorbike with 500k and who’s up next? A bartender. Shouts out to Normzo, Jny23 and… HOLY SHIT! Is this guy going to actually be the first person to go home with NATHING after he begins to guess Mason as the name of a person who makes clothes? Well, Don Kasujjius eggs him to try a 50-50 and, with the term “Mason” out of the way, he stumbles and accidentally falls on the right answer. Phewks.
He phones a friend when asked which of a list of four objects, only one of which is an insect, is the correct answer to the question “which of these is an insect with four wings?” If this guy makes more that 500k, Justus and Moses should find him in the corner and mug him.

Meanwhile, the guy he called was cut off just as he was saying it was Kettle, so Noah uses the audience to get the answer right and then grins with confidence he has finally achieved and tells us that it’s a cocktail and not a “ponytail” or a “foxtail” or a “Najjera prostitute” which is a drink.
Noah wears a “don’t patronise me” look on his face when he gets correct answers, as if he  has completely forgotten how abysmally bollocks his performance has been so far.

Which of these is the larges classification of living things? Kingdom? Phylum, Family or Genus? And Noah decides that he can’t guess whether the cat family is bigger than the animal kingdom, or the genus lepidae is smaller… okay, I’m just showing off now. He calls it quits and takes his 1.5m which I hope Justus and Moses are waiting in a dark alley outsides.

Running out of time

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire VII; The Fellowship Of The Want

Sorry, there’s some stuff missing in this recap, my machine was taking its sweet time about coming on…actually, in that regard, it’s a lot like the show. Also, Baz couldn’t make it today because Umeme doesn’t like black people.
So we go through the usual routine. Allan goes through fastest finger fast (falalala) and reveals that the contestants are cultivated from all over Uganda. Even Muyenga. And yes, I said cultivated.Some dude called Philip has eager fingers and is invited to join Goliath on the hot seat. Dun dun dunnnnn.

Allan (formerly known as Goliath) takes us through Philip’s CV and throws a curve ball that sees us meeting Philip’s wife. Then Allan hates on Buddo, but not before showing that he knows what he talking about, naming a couple of houses…and suddenly I get what people mean they were in Australia for years and have nothing to show for it…even an accent.

Allan says something about a trozzer being an item of clothing; I think it’s a trick question.

Whoa, we are breezing through the first round… hang on, they just sugeested that spiders build webs to catch balls… whoa!

No,Philip is also not wasting any time, it’s like the sponsor is in a hurry, where are they going? Court?

Did we just finish the first round with no commercials?

For what it’s worth, there’s nothing wrong with saying breaststroke and butterfly are dancing styles… and Allan just talked about balls…and then went on to say that he finds Philip interesting… and well, Allan brought his valentine’s suit.

Philip is talking about inmates in Luzira being mostly there for rape and defilement. There’s a guy in the audience that is actually intrigued.

There’s a question about what you find in a car; dashboard, slashboard, comaboard, exclamationboard…yes, coma! What the hell show, get your spellings right!

Oh, wait, I get it, those are bu-punctuation thingies. Naye show!

Philip is doing well, but of course the questions have been featured on Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader’s lunchbox.

Okay then. We are at that point in the show where the contestant goes suicidal and places his fate in the hands of the audience. Only thing is, the audience today has actually been smart.

The Giant takes us into suspense mode…. The show’s drummer is on a roll, no wait, that’s Philip’s palpitating heart… and…
BREAK

Oh look, the return of Oulanyah.

Allan says Philip is interested in women’s issues…and then looks at him and says he has something to give him. What is it, a bra?
No! Creepy Allan has struck again and has come into possession of Philip’s photo. Sneaky sneaky!!

WTF… Thunderbirds reside at Kyadondo?! Who are they? What are they?

Ah crap, fastest finger fast. Come on Muyenga, represent!! Oh DANG! Shapes. How do you tell someone to arrange stuff like that?
Okay, Catherine is up. She is a computer science student and Allan asks what that involves… methinks, computers maybe, but then again, those who can’t do, ask.

Catherine expects to win 25 million shillings. Oh you optimisitic scientists and your crazy theories.
Allan takes our contestant through the rules and all the while she seems to be thinking, “Oh look, touchscreen”.

There’s a chic that looks sleepy… it’s a studio look, then?
Which is a shopping mall, flower city? Where are they pulling these questions out of, a bag of stupid? Catherine from Muyenga observes that fishing is definitely not a casino activity. Haha, she’s got jokes, but the chic behind her doesn’t think so. She just wants to go and shack up with a cup of coffee…

Bambi, Catherine says she has never held 500k. Well, certainly seems she chose the right course to stick in that rut.
The girl behind her is trying to Incept Catherine. I don’t know what I find scary, the fact that I believe that or the realization that INCEPT is an actual word. Oh, and Catherine is from Muyenga… and has 700,000shs. When she had 500k she said she would give some to Charity… is that her brother’s name?

Allan is asking how Catherine from Muyenga knows Victoria Beckham. And she talks about the public’s eyes. Curiously, she is not talking about the girl behind her.

Copper is still Zambia’s chief export, seriously? Hold the thought, Catherine from Muyenga thinks its diamonds, but she would like to call a friend. She says she will call Philip, for accuracy’s sake, I’m hoping Philip is still in primary school, those questions won’t feature anywhere past PLE.

Catherine says she remembers seeing a movie about these things…

"what's that fragrance you are wearing"

But people who say dia-munds…

Running out of time

Catherine, still from Muyenga, places her fate in the hands of the dodgy audience. I’m sorry, but I just don’t trust people in the audience to be looking out for me. Heck, I wouldn’t even trust the guy I call up not to say, “but how much will you give me”

Catherine of Muyenga looks poised to take home 3.5m no matter what happens. Unless, of course, Allan stares her down and says, “double or nothing”.

Catherine from Muyenga says something about a coptic church in Egypt… isn’t coptic the politically correct word for a private part?

She flunks and Allan hands her a cheque from the Bank of Uganda Telecom… and introduces the audience to a new word which though fancy is just his way of saying this is the…

END.

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire IV: The Return of The Want

Previously on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Prisca, a diminutive linguist from Lira, is back to snatch money from Alan Kasujja. But first she must answer his cunning riddles.

Baby Class questions were as easy as we have come to expect. Easy as pie. I wouldn’t be surprised if a question like this appears one day:

Where does one take a dump? a) In a properly equipped lavatory. b) In the office c) in a taxi d) on Kizza Besigye’s big head.

As she ballet-danced through to one million shillings we were able to notice how Kenyan her accent was. Now, this is not in itself such a terrible thing. Some of my best friends have Kenyan accents. It’s just that it suggests certain things about a person’s upbringing, you know, calls certain aspects of it to question.

Like, for example, we begin to suspect that she wasn’t here when certain things were happening. When Ka-Suge (I thought I had run out of nicknames) asked her who Uganda’s first female Vice President was.

The suspense music chimed and boomed and echoed like it was coming to life.

And we knew then that Prisca wasn’t from around these ends.

Well, she used a lifeline. Her second. Si she wasted one last week? (“Si” is what people with Kenyan accents say instead of “anti”) The fifty fifty helped her correctly identify the first female Veep of Uganda as Sensational Spe, and with that she leapt out of the frying pan and right into the fire.

For the next question was: Which waterfalls are also known as Kabalega Falls?

Kenyans don’t know this shit.

So Prisca had to use up her last lifeline. To be fair it was a good one. She called a friend who I think was named “Duke” and even before she read the options he had told her. It’s Murchinson. He pronounced it “Murshon” the way Ugandans do, so it shows that Prisca has Ugandan friends. She’s assimilating.

The worst seemed to be over. From then on it was easy convo, including Kasugar asking what is and finally letting me know how to pronounce “Haute Couture”. The linguist had to think about it. Alan tried to help by speaking a little bit of the French he knows. “Voulez vous couche avec moi?” he asked.

She might have reached over to slap him, but well, to reach Alan’s face to slap him you need to make the trip in like a vehicle or something.

The next question was: On which continent was the cocoa seed first used to make a beverage?

I know, right?

At this point Prisca was 2.5 million shillings in. She had no lifelines left. Add to this the fact that she is evidently a smart woman. She therefore opted to take the money and let the question go voulez vou couchez itself. She descended from the chair to applause.

Our next contestant was Nyote from Mbale. I will let Twitter-user @malonebarry introduce him to you.

The latest contestant and @kasujja pose for a photo:http://tinyurl.com/6labyap #millionaireUg

He sells ice cream for a living. It seems unfair to call it Baby Class when we just saw him look like a foetus next to Kasujja, so let’s just say he did his best to try to look like he was thinking hard during the easy questions, and did not shirk when Alan asked him about his circumcision.

However, he did not see this coming: Before he got to his 500,000 it was blam! In what month was King Oyo born?!

Kablayam!

Man I felt pain when that happened. Okay. Look. I know some people know, but some people don’t know and bambi he was in Baby Class and…

I felt heartbroken when he had to leave after getting it wrong.

And I’ve already forgotten what the answer was.

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire IV: Wanting Revolutions

And we are back in the very blue studios of Alan Kasujja’s toolshed which is where (and I’m just making a wild presumption here) Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, the Ugandan version is filmed.

This week we continue with the adventures of Diana, the coquettish and coy lawyer from last week who said her ambition was to be nice.

This week she perched on the edge of her chair while Kasujja happened to have a chair under him and the show began.

The soft puppy questions came and went and she molled her eyes and smiled sweetly and swung her legs from the high chair and was so adorable that when she hit 2.5million shillings for saying that “in camera” means in the chambers with a judge and not in a studio, I will not even make a comment about in camera also being on the internet with an American co-ed saying that she loooves turning strangers on oooh baby do you want to see more, just enter your credit card number.

If you don’t get that joke, then your mother raised you right.

Things reached badman status when the question was: Which is in the middle during a lunar eclipse? It seemed kind of obvious then it hit me. Oh shizzle (I am trying to minimise my cursewords, by the way. I hope you have noted the effort I’m making) Oh shizzle. It’s not. It’s kind of tricky. Oh Froff! I don’t friddling know which on is in the fabobling middle!

Picture is related

Just after she used her 50-50 to reduce the options to just “earth” and “mars” it hit me. Duh. The shadow of the earth falls on the moon, of course. The sun can’t be in the middle. Only answer can be moon. Like the one MJ walked on. Eeh hee.

But the 50/50 was gone. And she would so need it for the next question. Alan was beating us very hard and very rapidly with virtual baseball bats of suspense with the next question. Even you don’t know the answer to this and you are an intelligent reader of awesome websites. So how would she?

What is the currency of Madagascar?

I like to Move It Move it. That’s all that my mind said.

This would have been a great time to use the 50-50, but that was gone, gone gone. She would have to ask the audience but banange, if the already demonstrably clever Diana didn’t know, what is the chance that an audience would? Urban Legend is the only one I know that has a clever audience. Well, us and Letterman.

The audience voted. The majority said it was not the dinar, franc or lira but was the Airy. That is not the correct spelling. I’m just so mad at that question that I’m not going to check google for the right way to write it.

Aries?

Because they were correct, and after Alan and his director unleashed several further blows of suspense upon our poor heads, we finally determined that she was going on with 3,500,000 bob in pocket.

Before we continue, I have to reassert here that she was an adorable person. She seemed very sweet and nice and “nunu”. I mean, I can be skeptical about her claim that if she wins she is going to use the money to buy things for people who need them– I think she might buy someone a shoe, but most of that cash is hers for real– but all in all she just seemed likeable.

So we were rooting for her when she hit this one: If she stops and walks away now, she leaves with five ma. If she gets it wrong she leaves with 3.5. If she gets it right she’s still in the game and on the way to the twenty five mill jackpot. Four questions away, mind you. The question was: How many in a Baker’s Dozen?

She took a swig of the clear colourless liquid the producers supply as refreshments (My bet is that it’s vodka, though some suspect that it is spiked with ecstacy which caused her to flirt and wiggle at Kasujja) and if suspense was a kickboxing champ, then Alan sent a troupe of Golola Moseses into our living rooms to roundhouse and bludgeon us to pulps before finally…

She flunked it. She said 12. But it’s 13. And I was so sad. As were all those people who thought she was really going to use the money to buy them iPods and boxer shorts.

Now, I have a word limit, so I won’t dwell on the next contestant because she’s coming back next week. She is tiny, named Prisca, is a linguist from Lira who speaks with a Kenyan accent and she was right in giving us the full name of Kanye To-The. We shall see more of her on Monday.

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire III: The Wanting Strikes Back

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, the game show where a tall man asks questions and gives away money had three contestants this week, in addition to a plump cleavage that one viewer noticed bulging at him from behind the final contestant.

Let’s get into it.
Lubeba was first. Lubega was educated at MIT, and for this reason we shall respect his conglomerate. All he did with the first set of questions was swat them away like they were merely bothersome flies flitting around inconveniently between him and his easy money.
After he had scored his sh500,000, the baby class round ended and Ringmaster Alan K-to-the-double-J asked: Which Area In Uganda is Famous For It’s Tree Climbing Lions?
There is a goat in Kireka that climbs trees. I’m not lying. They call it Apollo. But as for the lions, not everybody knows that. I do, but many other viewers were stumped.
MIT chose Ishara but it was out of the frying pan and deep into the fire. The next question was: Which Hollywood film showcases Ugandan Hip Hop Artists?

Do YOU know the answer to that question?

Exactly.
Lubega chose to go with a lifeline, while, from my seat, I googled and found a youtube link of Babaluku and his 14 incisors representin hip HAP the way he does under the title: Video Diamonds in The Rough, but in the studio, the audience was voting for Hip Hop Pilates, or Platypus or something– I can’t read my own handwriting.
Alas, Lubega chose to follow the audience’s lead to his doom. His excuse was he doesn’t know much about hip hop because he is not a young man. Well, neither is Babaluku…

Who would our next contestant be? Lil Sophie.

Now, I may have mentioned before that Kasujja stands towards seven feet tall, Those ends. Sophie was a tiny woman. She stood head to his waist and had to flail her arms upwards like she was cheering just to get to shake his hand.
She said she was a student at MUBS as she settled in for Baby Class round, the one where the 500,000 is guaranteed. ALL MUBS students owe money to somebody, that’s just how they be. You now know how  much she has.
They asked her which of a variety of sauces is popular in Uganda. Now, those of us from Javas know Mushroom sauce mostly, but Sophie needed to ask for a 50-50 lifeline to determine whether it was this or groundnut sauce.
And then when they asked her who, from a list of three ex Kabakas and another fellow, was a former prime minister of Buganda and she had to get another lifeline, we figured out that Sophie must be from outside countries.

A clever twitterer observed at this point that Kasujja’s legs are the only ones that ever touch the ground when they sit on those chairs. I have a photo that I will upload when I have more battery power.

Wee Sophie was doing well. She was up to 2,500,000, when Big Al brought out the next one. If she fails this, she would lose two million, he warned. She giggled. MUBS girls giggle nicely. That’s probably why they get people to give them soft loans so easily, and they have all this money to spend on mushroom sauce, so they  don’t even know what binyebwa are.
Her next lifeline did her in. They asked her how many cards are used in a poker game. “That’s all the cards, baby,” I beamed telepathically into the screen, but she didn’t get the message. Instead she called up one of those people we have all met who, even if they don’t know what they are talking about, will continue to speak with confidence, even when they are just making shit up.
He told her the wrong answer and I have never seen a face fall so dramatically any place on TV outside of Saborati.

She hopped off the seat and ambled sadly off, passing through Alan’s legs to walk off stage and plot how to use the 500,000 bob she was left with to kill the idiot who told her it was 37 cards.

The third contestant was a lawyer named Diana who had a bright smile and wanted to learn to use the Law for development while, just within camera shot, above her shoulder, an audience member’s bossom bulged at us.
Diana almost flunked out when asked what happens when the opposite poles of two magnets meet. She confidently smugged, “B. Repulsion.” I punched myself in frustration.
Kasujja had to do the “are you sure?” thing that he always does whether you are right or wrong, and this time, it is what saved her. “I know the saying: like poles repel, and unlike poles attr… OH! Wait! I have to change that answer!”
And so thanks to that Hail Mary shot, Diana remained in the game and will be playing on next week. When you shall find me here. In your internets, doing the recap.

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire Ug, Episode Two. Want Harder

The show that makes millionaires out of ordinary Ugandans like you, me and TV show host/ Radio star Alan Kasujja (one “L” two “J”s) was on Monday night and it was as exciting as that one time when Mike Tyson and Buster Douglas had to answer a set of trivia general knowledge questions for a quiz contest.

This week we had two contestants, the first being a young man from Ntinda who, it was revealed, was a poet. The poet’s name was Axel. Not Alex, but Axel. As in Axel Foley.

I don’t know how many of you know what an Axel Foley is, so I’ll help you out.

This is Axel Foley. Know your history, kids

Axel was confident, that’s what I liked about him. He went through the easy questions with a smirk on his face. He tried to conceal it by putting his hands in front of his mouth in a tent formation, the way people do when they are thinking hard, but we could see that the only thing he was thinking of was, “Man, if only all money in Uganda was this easy. I feel like an MP in this chair!”

They asked him baby questions. Nti that I hear,

  • Which of these is an Olympic sport: Hugging, Chanting, Texting or Swimming?
  • Which of these is a type of wireless communication: Blacktooth, Whitetooth, Redtooth or Bluetooth?
  • What does the P.O. in a mailing address stand for: Past Offences? Penis Odour,  Practicing Onanism, Post Office.

He sailed on, convincing us that he was a reasonably clever chap, until Alan Double J decided to stop fooling around and lob him a current affairs question concerning the ongoing issues of our nation. “Who is Mazzi Mawanvu?” he was asked.

Only to see the boy from Ntinda collapse. He had to wait for the audience to tell him. I hope when he goes back to Ntinda he is disciplined for embarrassing all of you like this.

Long waters. Know your history, kids.

Having survived that one, he decided to flex his muscles, because Alan K was also flexing his, throwing there tough questions.

What are Autobots and Decepticons? The answer to this question is only known by deep, highly literate and very well-learned chaps. It’s not Transmitters or Traders.

Then they asked him. Where are the genes of a cell stored? Nucleus? Mitocondria? Lysomisimanyibikozebitya? Goldy Body? Man. Even my big mouth had to shut up at that point. Mitocondria even sounds like a country where they wear Sombreros.

After he got it right (I’m not going to tell you what the answer was) he and JJ exchanged the following bit of telling banter.

Kasujja, a former Ngo boy, on Budonians, of whom Axel is one: “We didn’t think much of you at that time.”

Axel, representing Budo as well as he represented Ntinda on the Mazzi Mawanvu question: “Neither did we.”

Well, for what it’s worth, he did earn sh3,500,000 to go home with, having flunked out for not knowing what a scarab was, but that’s not a bad thing. I mean, he’s still a winner. Take a good look. You are never going to see a poet with that much money ever again.

Up next we had Shariff from Jinja and I decided to take a potty break during the easy questions. I came back when they were asking him what the rate of VAT in Uganda was. This must have been a warning shot. Some people don’t know what it is. Such as broke nigz who never have anything to buy. But when they asked which is a type of drink, coffee, toffee, shuffle and kerfluffle, I realized I left the toilet too early.

Shariff, the father of five Jinja youths, went back home with sh500,000 only even after Alan virtually begged him to reconsider his answer after he was asked what temperature in degrees Fahrenheit water boils at. He said 100 degrees. And Big Al showed him the door.

To Jinja

The questions got a bit harder this time; it wasn’t all easy money. If you know Axel and he owes  you money, you have heard it here.

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire Debuts

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? No, this is not a political rally where the candidate warns us that his opponent’s economic plans will cause such leaps in inflation that we will all end up with boda fares in six figures.

Who wants to be like Steve Jean's houseboy?

No. It is a quiz show. Now on NTV. Where Ugandan dwanzies compete with Ugandans who are sharper than them to answer questions and perhaps win themselves the 25million shilling grand prize.

It’s like Bring It On but with intellect.

The show started last night with host Allan Kasujja, (aka Double J. His name is not actually spelt with a double L. He is one of those Alans who have just one. I just misspelt it above to show that we are boys me and him and we can make such jokes about each other. That’s my man. Childhood friend. I even knew him back when he was a little kid of only six-two.)

If you know Alan Kasujja, aka Mr President formerly of Sanyu FM now of Capital FM fame , then you know that he is a man of distinct carriage, a full booming voice and that he is made entirely of height.

He was the host. He came on and introduced the gladiators. We had two of them.

The first: She was an unemployed student of Quantitative Economics who was unremarkable in every other way. I don’t even remember her name and I wrote it down somewhere.

J-dub began the game. The tone was set. He wasn’t throwing questions at her. They were so soft and so easy and so gentle and tender that he was more like blowing kisses with question marks at her. What insect makes bees? How many times has Obote been president (everyone knows he has only been president once. The second time doesn’t count cos that bastard rigged).

They asked who lived in Neverland Ranch. She asked the audience. 80 percent of them told her who it was, but 3 per cent said it was Popeye. I wonder who those three percent are. Security checks should be more stringent.

But her easy ride came to an abrupt and shuddering end when they asked her, Oh Quantitative Economics Chick: Did Shakespeare write Jane Eyre?

The woman had never heard of Jane Eyre. Biki ebyo? Simanyi babilya? She phoned a friend who was equally literate and therefore ended up losing. But The great thing with this game is you don’t go home empty-handed. She took 1,500,000 bob home.

Next up to bat was Brian. Brian seemed sharp. Brian seemed like he knew things. Brian seemed a bit impatient with the parts where he had to pretend he was mulling over the answer even though he knew it. Brian breezed through the first round. In the second and he wasn’t sure that Kwame Nkrumah and not Jerry Rawlings was the first president of Ghana. But his undoing was that he did not know that the movie about a ballet starring Natalie Portman was called Black Swan.

This is how faithless and cruel this world is: a guy is punished for not knowing when how and where Natalie Freaking Portman goes to play ballet. It’s a movie about Ballet. Even I plan to completely unknow all about it the moment I finish writing this post. If he didn’t know Iron Man or Transformers you would have had cause to beef, but every dude has the right to not know shit about ballet movies.

Tune in for the next one Monday at eight on NTV.