Bailiff: All rise. Court is in session. The honourable Judge Ian presiding.
Shuffling sound. Everybody stands up. Judge ambles in. He snorts, signaling that they can now sit down.
Bailiff: Will the defendant please rise.
Defendant: “This shit is bananas. B-a-n-a-n-a-s! This shit is bananas. B-a-n-a-n-a-s!”
Judge: What’s going on?
Bailiff: Looks like another case of iPod karaoke, your honour.
Judge: IPod Karaoke?
Bailiff: It’s when a person starts singing along out loud to the song that’s playing on their iPod. We’ll just summon some police brutality to slap him.
SPCs march in from a room behind the court. They walk up to the Accused, punch him and snatch his iPod. One puts it on and continues to enjoy the song.
SPC: “Cos I ain’t no hollaback girl! I ain’t no hollaback girl!”
The bailiff now brings the accused to the dock. He looks haggard and worn and tired in all his body parts except his eyes. His eyes are full of fire as always. So much busungu.
Bailiff: State your name for the record.
Accused: I’m Besigye.
Bailiff: Full name please.
Accused: Doctor Warren Kizza Besigye Kifeefe Byanyima Codename Black Thunder aka The Rage of The Age.
Bailiff: State your profession
Accused: I have been working as a presidential candidate for the last fifteen years.
Bailiff: Place your hand on the bible and take this oath.
As soon as Besigye’s hand touches the Holy Book flames erupt from nowhere to scald his fingers. The same thing happens with The Koran. In the end he has to just swear on a Lil Wayne CD.
Accused: I hereby swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Young Money 4 Life.
Judge: You are charged with Premeditated Felony Class A Perambulation To Occupation With Criminal Intent. How do you plead? Guilty or not guilty.
Accused: I don’t know. What does perambulation mean?
Judge: It means you walked to work illegally.
Accused: I didn’t know.
Judge: You cannot enter a plea of I didn’t know.
Accused: I was only walking because fuel prices are too high.
Prosecution: Objection! The man has his own petrol station! I saw it.
Defense Lawyer: Objection. The prosecution cannot object to the judge.
Judge: Sustained. Accused, say guilty or not guilty.
Accused: Ah? Not guilty, man.
Judge: The prosecution may now cross-examine a nigga.
Prosecution: We, the prosecution, intend to produce video evidence from NTV Point Blank and even youtube as well as the testimony of several witnesses that will show that this man did in fact on the morning of April the 12th walk…
Prosecution: …With malice aforethought!
Accused: I just wanted to get to work. Since when is walking a crime?
Prosecution: Mmmswechch! Objection. I am the one asking the questions, here!
Judge: Objection! You can’t object during your own cross-examination.
Accused: Objection! The judge can’t object.
SPC: Objection! You are making noise and I’m trying to listen to Gwen Stefani.
Prosecution: Kifeefe, who allowed you to walk? Don’t you have a car?
Accused: I have, man.
Prosecution: Address the judge. Say “I have, your honour.”
Accused: But it is you who is asking me.
Prosecution: Yes, I ask you and you answer him. That’s how the law is. Now, don’t you have a car?
Accused: I have, your honour.
Prosecution: Doesn’t it work?
Accused: It works your honour.
Prosecution: Isn’t there petrol in it?
Accused: But the petrol is expensive, your honour.
Prosecution: You mean you can’t afford?
Accused: Me I can afford but…
Prosecution: So why were you walking?
Accused: I was walking in solidarity with the average Ugandan who is suffering from prohibitive fuel and food prices and who cannot afford to drive or take a taxi to work.
Prosecution: Objection! Bullshit!
Judge: I’ve told you already. You cannot object to your own witness. Are you mad?
Prosecution: Sorry, your honour, but yes. I’m on some medication, but it’s still experimental. Kifeefe, why were you walking?
Accused: I care about the common man and his plight. I saw his plight so I said even me let me just walk…
Prosecution: HAH!! So you admit it!
Accused: Admit what?
Prosecution: You admit it!
Accused: Admit what? What do you want?
Prosecution: I want answers! I want the truth!
Accused: You can’t handle the truth!
Prosecution: Did you or did you not WALK???
Accused: Yes they deserved to die and I hope they burn in hell!
Defense: Objection! That line was from Samuel L Jackson in A Time To Kill and some of our readers may not recognize it.
Judge: Sustained. Will the defendant please use more current or more popular movies?
Accused: Okay, I walked. I admit it. We live in a world that has walks. And those walks have to be guarded by men with guns. Who’s gonna do it? You? You Kayihura? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that walk, you need me on that walk. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to.
Everybody in the court applauds brilliant performance.
Prosecution: No further questions, your honour.
Jugde: Defence, it’s your witness.
Defense: Would you please tell the court why you walked on that fateful day? Tell us the truth.
Accused: Yes. Yes, I walked. But I did it for the people! It is an ideal for which I hope to walk and if need be it is an ideal for which I am ready to … okay, I’m not sure about dying. But at least I’m ready to spend a few hours in custody.
Defense: Now, the law allows for mitigating circumstances in the case when a crime like unlawful walking or felony perambulation is concerned. I would like to ask you, Kifeefe, why did you walk?
Accused: I wanted to lead a demonstration to turn national spotlight on the issue of rising fuel costs and the suffering they are causing to the common man. I thought I could do this by walking to work.
Defense: I see. And did you succeed?
Accused: On turning the spotlight there?
Defense: On walking to work.
Accused: No. I didn’t reach. I was barely out of my house when I got arrested. The maid could even see me. She laughed. That kabitch is so fired.
Defense: So you set off to walk to work, but didn’t actually reach?
Accused: No. I was stopped by the Popo.
Defense: Therefore, you did not actually walk to work.
Accused: I did not.
Defense: You see No walking to work was committed by my client. There is no crime. This case is baseless. Habeaus corpus! The defense rests. Denny Crane.
Judge: Having heard arguments from both the prosecution and the defense, I have decided on a ruling. Given that his work is standing for president, he cannot actually walk to work until Feb 2016. Therefore, the crime of felony perambulation to work was not committed. This court therefore finds the accused not guilty.
Besigye: Wait. That SPC didn’t return my iPod!