Category Archives: Walk To Work

Long Walk to Nowhere

You may remember perhaps that the political pressure group Activists For Change (or AFC in short. Some people call them A4C, but I don’t think they are a boy band, so I won’t use the numerical digit) You may remember that they promised us a new wave of street protests and demonstrations. So far we haven’t seen anything major going on. You may be wondering why. You may be thinking, “Have our heroes betrayed us?” or you may be thinking, “Thank goodness lumpens found something better to do with their time.”

Can't you see how we are so N'sync? (giggles)

Whatever your view on the issue for us we investigated and found a transcript from a recent AFC meeting. Prepare to be better-informed about current issues that affect you! Nalumansi!

Chairperson: ACTIVISTS FOR CHANGE!

ALL: Amandla!

Chairperson: ACTIVISTS FOR CHANGE!

All: Aluta continua!

Chairperson: ACTIVISTS FOR CHANGE!

All: Agende!

Chairperson: I call this meeting to order. We are here to plan the protests for 2012. Leggo!

Member: Yeah! Protest this mof… What? Oh sorry. We said no language cos some of us are old. Sorry.

Member: So what are we protesting this time?

Member: The rising fuel prices!

Member: I hear they are not rising. Mbu they are dropping. Yesterday at Besigye’s petrol station a litre was 3,500.

Member: Are you sure that’s not just him setting an example? Taking a loss by removing his profit oba?

Member: Nawe be serious.

Member: Okay, we protest rising inflation rates! Fu… I mean, damn these Inflation Rates that keep rising!

Member: Even those ones I hear are dropping.

Member: We protest load shedding! What is government doing about load shedding? We demand to know!

Member: How can you ask what government is doing when they just opened a new turbine?

Member: But you why do you keep saying such things? Why are you lemesaring? I’m about to protest you instead. It seems you love Museveni secretly. You sound like you have a crush on him…

Chairperson: Look members, there is no need to accuse each other of loving Museveni. Just because fuel and inflation are not rising, that does not mean the country has suddenly become perfect. Surely we can find something to protest about. Let’s brainstorm.

Member: We can protest the general sausage. I mean, everyone is tired of it.

Member: That’s the problem. Everyone is tired of a different sausage.

Member: Then we do like how they used to do in church when I was still saved. Everybody comes for the same prayer meeting but you each pray for your own things, like one person prays for school fees, another one prays for a job, me I pray for deliverance from the spirit of lustfulness, etc.

Chairperson: I like that idea. So everybody gathers around and they each protest their own things, but we all protest together. Excellent. So, we go. Which day do we start?

Member: But chairperson, I have a suggestion.

Chairperson: Please, speak up. Here we believe in freedom of expression.

Member: It’s hot these days. Oba can we protest at night.

Member: But it is also hot at night. Maybe we protest but here, within our offices which are airconditioned. The common man may be used to walking around in the heat, but us who are fighting for him, we may get heatstroke.

Member: That is true. There is no aircon on the streets. I suggest we have Walk At Work protests, where we walk around the halls under the AC.

Chairman: Okay. All in favour say Agende!

All: Agende!

So now you know. AFC have not been idle. They have been very busy protesting in their offices.

Would you walk a mile in my shoes? Would you?

 

Trivia: Did You Know Dr. Besigye Has A New Movie?

Did you know that Besigye Spielberg recently released a sequel to his April 2011 hit movie, Walk To Work? I didn’t. And I’m in the business of knowing things.

The sequel, titled Walk To Work: Rise Of The Legs, premiered countrywide just three days ago, to very little critical acclaim. Some critics reviewed the thing even before watching it because, as it is generally known, critics hate being caught off guard.

When you enter their house through the bedroom window and instruct them to review a movie chap chap, they’ll call it stupid. Well, they’ll call you stupid but it will rub off as a movie review.

Here are my humble thoughts on why Steven Kizza’s new movie didn’t become a box office hit as expected.

The political thought:

Muzamiru, the boda guy from State House in charge of stealing new movies for Eddiesoft before they get to Cineplex (they made him cabinet minister to give him a sense of pride and purpose in life), distributed a wrong copy that instructed UNEB to start S.4 exams.

So the entire country was watching S.4 exams when bam! opposition just started walking. No one was ready.

The expectations thought:

Ugandans thought there would be a more innovative spin to this one. They expected something different like Crawl To Work or Jump To Work or Break Dance To Work. But the colonel instead took us back to how the legs rose against humans; more of a prequel, actually.

And Ugandans naturally tend to not like watching their own body parts turn against them.

The Obama one:

Brother Barack Opolot Obama sent soldiers to Uganda; deadly soldiers who we see here everyday inside our TVs killing aliens and bombing buildings taller than Workers House.

The official story is that after UPDF captured a pair of Kony’s pajamas, they were supposed to give them to the American commandos for sniffing so that their special American military noses smell Kony out of the bush.

But the DVD Muzamiru distributed had a few deleted scenes that had the American soldiers cutting off people’s legs and feeding them to yellow dogs. So people instinctively cancelled all walking plans. Another deleted scene had the soldiers surrounding an oil well. But that’s news for another day.

The public relations one:

When launching a major product, a serious company will do some advertising and public relations. But the A4C launched the new Walk to Work without anything like that. Not even an attractive promo like “The first 50 walkers get a free pair of modified legs”.

The legendary thought:

Uncle Besi, people just want to party, man. For now, at least. Everyone is working hard to buy new clothes for the 4.11.11 Legendary Party at Boda Boda so that they impress someone and get laid that night. Chill out and let Gerald Karuhanga take care of things. Just buy some less political clothes for you and Auntie Nyim Nyim and come hang with us. You can even walk to the party if you want.

 

KCPD: Hammer Time

That’s Kampala City Police Department, baby.

 

The scene: A dark, dingy, cobwebbed, dust-covered, littered, little room with an old decaying desk in the centre of it, piled high with old, decaying paper, an old, decaying police OC behind it, speaking on, believe it or not, one of these phones.

 

 

Yes. It is a Kampala City police station.

 

OC: Everybody come in. I have to dispatch you to arrest somebody.

Officers tumble through the door. It’s not easy. They are clumsy and uncoordinated and most of them have a habit of reaching out and punching things at random. Eventually, all of them, almost a dozen, are settled in the three square feet in front of the desk.

OC: He’s at it again.

Everybody: Sigh.

OC: You know what that means.

Affande 1: I would like to tender my application for leave.

Affande 2:  I would like to tender my resignation.

Affande 3: Why don’t you just deploy us to arrest crocodiles in the river? It’s less dangerous.

OC: But why are you guys such cowards? The man said that his protests are non-violent.

Affande 1: Yeah. But last time we went to arrest him, his non-violent kicks from his non-violent boots nearly non-violently took my head off.

 

Besigye ain't no punk, nigga!

 

 

OC: But you were wearing a helmet.

Affande 1: And yet I’m still scared of him. That should tell you how deadly the man’s non-violence is.

OC: I don’t understand you guys. You go out every single day and brutally arrest small-time criminal suspects with no compunction. You beat up petty thieves, you slap drunkards and hookers around… during these riots you have moved with impunity all over town just beating people up with free. But I send you to collect one man…

Affande 1: I swear, boss. I was wearing a helmet and he still managed to kick me until I felt it. I think he is a mutant. He is of X-Men.

OC: GO OUT THERE AND ARREST THE MOFO! That’s an order!

The dozen cops tumble out again, grumbling. I should have mentioned that they were wearing full riot gear the whole time. They sleep in it.

 

Same scene. Hours later.

 

OC on the phone: Where are you guys? Why aren’t you bringing in the man?

Affande 3: We are bringing him.

OC: I don’t see him approaching my holding cells, officer.

Affande 3: It’s a process, boss.

Affandes 4, 5, 6 can be heard in the distance cavalierly pushing regular civilians around. Affandes 7,8 and 9 can be heard making mealy-mouthed threats at the suspect: Gwe! Stop inciting people! We are going to arrest you! I swear. If you don’t stop. I’m serious! Please. Please. Naawe.

Suspect: Your mommas! Me I’m in this to win this. If you come closer you will see. Ask Affande 1. I was lying down with one hand literally tied and I still almost dislocated his stupid neck!

OC: Are you guys begging the suspect to come into custody?

Affande 3: Boss…

OC: What?

Affande 3: It’s a process, boss.

OC: You guys have been sweet-talking the man for three hours. I sent you to arrest him three hours ago and you still haven’t brought him in. What is happening to Uganda Police these days?

Affande 3: It’s not that simple, boss. He has locked himself inside his car. He’s refusing to come out. We can’t even reach him.

OC: Morons. If a chicken thief or a defiler or some other petty criminal had locked himself in a car, would we be having this discussion? You are Uganda Police, dammit. Arrest the Mofo!

Affande 3: Boss, we can’t just go and smash the windows and drag him out, can we? I mean, that’s kind of, well, a bit much…

OC: I can’t believe this. You guys barged into innocent people’s houses and dragged them out of their beds during the other riots and you hi-fived each other after you did it. But NOW you are developing a conscience?

Affande 3: That was different. Those guys didn’t fight back…

OC: Officer, if you are not going to do it, I’m going to send in a specialist. I’m sending in Gilbert.

Affande 3: You guys, they are sending in the big guns. Gilbert is on his way. We are off the hook.

We hear in the background the suspect asking: Who is Gilbert?

Affande 3: Oh, you will be acquainted soon enough.

 

A short while later, the phone rings again.

 

Affande 3: Boss, Gilbert and his boys are here. Man, these guys are ruthless. He knows no god! He even came with a hammer.

OC: Yeah. We shall see who is the X-Man now.

Affande 3: The guy… I can’t believe this. Gilbert’s boy just walked up to the car. With the hammer. He and is smashing the windows open. He is fearless. I swear. And he isn’t even wearing anti-riot gear.

 

We are going to have to ask you to come with us, sir.

OC: That’s cos Gilbert is trained in…

 

Affander 3: Ooooh shiiiit!!!!!

OC: What’s going on?

Affander 3: Boss, um… the suspect! The suspect has grabbed the hammer from Gilbert!

OC: What? Noooo!

Overheard in the background, the suspect: I will HAMMER YOU! Kumany***! I will hammer you!

 

 

 

Walk To Work II: The Connection Between Walking Illegally And Eating Easter

In the Holy Bible, in the book of John, chapter 11 verse 25, there’s a coffee stain. At least in my Bible. I accidentally brushed a cup of coffee over one of the pages and spilled a drop.

 

Actually, it wasn’t by accident. Let me tell you how it happened.

 

One day Museveni looked at Besigye and somehow thought of eating sumbusa.

I want to eat sumbusa

 

So he sent the police to bring him the sumbusa

You're not going to eat me!

 

But Museveni only managed to eat a small part before the sumbusa escaped

...Then he went to get the soup and I jumped off the plate and ran

 

Then Besigye’s friends and relatives said no, Museveni, don’t eat him, let us bring real sumbusa to State House.

Not to be confused with the colonel

 

But the police said no, it is illegal for poor people to sell sumbusa on foot. Go back and buy a car and sell properly like your friends in outside countries.

Go and sell sumbusa properly! Msssttccheeww

 

So while the police were telling people to follow the 5th Amendment of the Sumbusa Sales Act of the Constitution of Uganda, I was having a cup of coffee while reading a Bible.

What?

What!

Go to your room! And speaking of things you didn’t know, we didn’t post early today coz of very heated debates on what to write about. We thought, should it be:

 

  1. “Why your mother-in-law could be a ninja”?
  2. “The best ways to die”? Or…
  3. “No, you don’t like your job”?

I just got out to write something for you, then go back to argue.

Anyway, so while reading the Bible, I spilled some of my coffee when a policeman’s gun told a guy somewhere down those ends that “Twa twaa paaa tush tush ta taaaa”. For those who don’t speak bullet, it means “Gwe! As if you don’t know nti Wavamunno sells cars! Go and buy! Silly!” The gun startled me, hence the spillage.

Okay

Wait

First chill

Is this dude taking us for granted?

What’s the connection he was talking about?

The connection he was talking about

Remember that part with a coffee stain? Guess what? Turns out the coffee stain points out something Easterly. Go read it. There. I just preached to you. Booya!

How To Survive A Riot In Kireka. Based on True Events

I woke up at nine-thirty Monday morning secure in the knowledge that riots were going to erupt somewhere in town and, in doing so, disrupt my work schedule. Don’t get me wrong, I sympathise with the cause of the common man who is feeling the brunt of rising fuel and food prices, but I am kind of rich, so all I can offer is lip service. I had ten litres in my tank and plans to meet a mushroom steak lunch at Soho’s.

 

I expected the riots to take place in Kasangati; I had no idea that the moment I stepped out of the bathroom of my luxurious mansion (well, it’s luxurious compared to the hovel the common man lives in. I mean, just by having a bathroom INDOORS. The common man looks at me the same way I look at houses in Binigeria.)… I stepped out of the bathroom to see my twitter feed flashing with the news that there were teargas cannisters going off in Kireka.

 

Kireka, a city suburb, is on my way to town.

 

Now, you may not know enough about Kireka to understand why this meant that I must immediately change back in to my pjs.

 

Most of Uganda is populated by normal, godfearing, hardworking people– they may not be as rich, or as educated, or as internet-enabled as us, but they are decent, intelligent, and honest people in their way, and all they want to do is get through the day, just like you and me.

 

But Kireka is different.

 

Originally from Kireka

Not everyone in Kireka is like this but we have a higher psycho-to-normal person ratio than other suburbs. A lot of Kirekans are fine people, but there are plenty who have that thing in their eyes that you just see and you know that they have thought about rape at some point in their lives. Probably not that far in the past. I look at Kirekans and I know that some of these people stab stray cats for fun. I can see from the way some of these Kirekans walk that they don’t even wear underwear.

Also originally from Kireka

Do you know that there are NEVER any crusades in Kireka?

So when I heard that they were rioting in Kireka, I took my shoes and socks off and went back to bed.

 

Now, just because I was not able to make it to ULK headquarters does not mean I did not work. I was able to compile tips on how to survive riots.

 

  1. Don’t go outside. Stay inside. The reason for this is simple. Uganda anti-riot police recruits heavily from the Kireka area, so some of the officers have no ddiini. They see you, they will beat you up. Don’t think being innocent of any crime will help. Everyone outside has a sign on their head saying, “Hi, Officer, would you do me the honour of beating me up today?”
  2. Have plenty of provisions that you bought the previous day. I had bread, cakes, fruits, Splash (just because I am not walking in protest, doesn’t mean I am not supporting the cause. As much as possible we should support local businesses. If you are going to spend, give the money to a Ugandan. I buy my stuff from small businesses owners in my area, not Nakumatt. This was not joking, this was serious.)
  3. Make sure your provisions include alcohol. This point is self-evident.
  4. Lock the door. If you lock your door with a padlock, lock it from outside, so it looks like you are not home. The other day I saw cops barge into people’s homes, drag them out and beat them up. You don’t want this to happen to you. So act like you are not home.
  5. Close the curtains. Turn off the TV
  6. Have a previous vasectomy and/or tubal ligation so that you don’t have any children who will make noise and alert the cops that you are inside.
  7. Wait.
  8. Watch Twitter closely.
  9. When it’s over
  10. Wait a bit more. Don’t get cocky.
  11. Finally
  12. after a couple of days, you can leave and go back to town to get more provisions. If you are still in solidarity with the common man after having to go through that, then you are a true patriot. Me, I’m going to Kigali until Uganda styles up. I mean, the name Bazanye could easily be Rwandan. How do you know I’m a Ugandan in the first place?

 

 

 

Kirekans protest government inefficiency in providing infrastructure by burning shit on a road that was just repaired last week

filimu

Movie Of The Month; Sneaky Pick

There are scoops and then there’s this. Urban Legend Kampala has just landed on the first one sheet of a movie touted as ” different”. The story details are being kept under wraps, but every indication suggests that the director was NOT influenced by the Walk-To-Work thing that had a politician eat rubber.

Synopsis
The story revolves around… actually, no, it doesn’t revolve at all, it “involves” Beyonce, a housefly that has been brought up thinking she is a human being. She eats with the family and goes to bed with them. It’s all a girl nearing the end of her 20 something days could ask for.

The eve of the Uganda Walk-To-Work protest begins normally for her. Despite her parents’ protests, she wants to make a difference and she intends to walk to work in a show of solidarity with those that are peeved about the rising commodity prices. Even if this shit doesn’t affect her, she wants to do something.

Then something extraordinary happens… her feet refuse to touch the ground…

*No reviews could be published because this movie is still in production

Walk To Work: A Legendary Live Review

8:00 a.m.

Good morning (pant) Uganda. Sleek here. Did you (pant) walk to work? (pant) Did you? (pant). I didn’t. My housemate has one of those oil guzzlers  from outside countries that he uses to get from place to place without his feet ever touching the ground. So this morning I got a lift from him. On the way, the scribe in me caught this:

So you think you can walk eh?
So you think you can walk eh?

I was dropped off a few meters from where I work. And people seemed to be walking without a care in the world. Smiling. Whistling even. Who does that? They didn’t know what I did. So I run. You cannot take any chances after seeing what I’ve seen.

The other legends are not here yet so it is my fairly safe assumption that they are walking here. They’ll give their sweaty reviews when they finally arrive. Stay tuned.

9:45 a.m.

Baz here.  I’m not walking to work. I’m nowhere near work.  I’m actually at home at quarter to ten watching the show on TV.  This news reader.  Her accent isn’t working either.

Besigye is on a trench surrounded by cops and noisy boys shouting anyone Sevo slogans.
The newsreader just said other politicians had came to join the protest. I’m going to protest that by buying a half tank.

10:11 a.m.

Erique representing. But not in a good way. I walked to this shop down here to buy bans for breakfast and I could swear I heard this policeman scream “Put your legs up where I can see them!” It was traumatizing, man. Luckily, the way I walk is not very deadly so he didn’t pay much attention.

This is what a suspicious leg looks like

Those who walk suspiciously like they are planning to assassinate the president with their feet, you better learn how to crawl. Anything to do with legs is strictly prohibited. Even if you’re walklessly seated somewhere in a restaurant, do not foot the bill.

11:45 a.m.

Baz again:

I was tasked with collecting photographs of the drama as it unfolded using my (and since this is live and unedited, I can sneak in a free plug) Huawei Ideos u8150 Android Phone now available from MTN. For more detail, friend me on facebook and get a full review.

These are the dramatic photos of the astounding events that have been unfolding in Kampala today.

 

Heavy police deployment

 

Masses of angry protesters

 

Traffic was extremely light on the way to work today. It was as if Christmas. The lack of jams on the way made me think that maybe people actually did park their cars and walk to work. Or maybe it was just because I was too scared to leave home until after ten and that’s why I was driving through empty streets.

In any case, much as I realise the importance of this cause, I am sorry. I’m sorry common man, but today I have half a tank and I’m going to buy my girl dinner at Soho. Food and fuel prices are not too high for me.  I’m rich.  Otherwise, good luck, but don’t protest too much, or we will repress you even further.

12:19 p.m.

Erique here:

I’ve just been talking to Angella from Orange Customer Care and she reports seeing Besigye on TV wearing “swimming glasses”. Don’t ask me what she meant. Buy an Orange SIM card, dial 100 and ask her yourself.

Other reports tell us people in Kasangati, Bwaise and Wandegeya be walking furiously.

Here are some songs to rock to as you walk Kayihura nuts.

  • Run by Snow Patrol
  • Walk This Way by Aerosmith
  • Walk Away by Kelly Clarkson
  • Easier To Run by Linkin Park
  • Walk On by U2
  • Be Worried If Your Baby Learns To Walk by Gangsta Mununuzi

On the internets, some of you (most of you actually) have boring status updates so I’ll pick out the as if nice ones:

Johnnie Ns Papa

“MP Odonga Otto is such a ninja. 2 out of 2 successful walks to work. A true Lumumbist.”

 

Bwesigye Friday Brian

“Entebbe road is the highway that connects the international airport to the city, it is CLOSED!”

 

Someone says this Brian dude is faster than tweets so you can send a friend request if you want to be updated about things before they even happen.

1:00 p.m.

Ernest:

Besigye has been shot in the arm and has been sent to Mulago. This is all the proof we need that the police  is working for the opposition.

Or maybe this is a conspiracy by the people who sell dry rations and emergency food supplies. The prices of regular food commodities have risen, but there has not been an increase in demand for lamps, batteries, powdered milk and canned foods, and all those things people will need when the entire fucking city is up in flames due to mad riots. If this day had gone off peacefully, they would have nothing to gain. So they had to move. It’s a conspiracy by Nido!

1:18 p.m.

Erique:

But where’s Otunnu?

2:32 p.m.

Ernest:

Okay. I think shit officially just got real.  I don’t know why I just got spam email from Club T1 telling me about Easter Weekend bash when shit just officially got real. You guys, we are going to have street riots and they are not going to stop until Besigye supporters have overthrown the government of Museveni. Whether this is a good thing or not depends on how fond you are of the idea of not being able to go to Cineplex for at least a month because the whole of Kampala road is full of rioters. Some of you will think it’s worth the price you pay for FREEEDOM!

Me, I really wanted to watch Rango.

4:07 p.m.

Erique:

When I grow up I want to be Kayihura’s ass so that I itch him whenever he’s talking.

And Sevo should also be walking with us. MPs went to State House on visitation day and gave him only 24 billion shillings as pocket money for swearing in. Poor guy! That only facilitates him up to “I swe”. Now where’s the money for the remaining “ar” going to come from?

5:19 p.m.

Bazanye Kko Nze:

According to political experts I have just spoken to (which means, any random person passing by because during times like these everyone becomes a political expert) we are probably going into a Tunisa situation. Nationwide riots and running street battles and daily teargas for at least the next three weeks, culminating in a new government. In short, kiss your asses goodbye.

The advice, therefore, is that you stock up on dry rations and essential produce so that you can survive now that the cities of this country are too busy being burnt to a crisp to provide you with a livelihood.

You need to get to the shops and buy essential commodities. By which I mean, of course, stock up on…

 

You are going to need this

 

The Republic of Uganda vs Kifefe

Bailiff: All rise. Court is in session. The honourable Judge Ian presiding.

 

 

 

Shuffling sound. Everybody stands up. Judge ambles in. He snorts, signaling that they can now sit down.


Bailiff: Will the defendant please rise.

Defendant: “This shit is bananas. B-a-n-a-n-a-s! This shit is bananas. B-a-n-a-n-a-s!”

Judge: What’s going on?

Bailiff: Looks like another case of iPod karaoke, your honour.

Judge: IPod Karaoke?

Bailiff: It’s when a person starts singing along out loud to the song that’s playing on their iPod. We’ll just summon some police brutality to slap him.

 

B-a-n-a-n-a-s!

 

SPCs march in from a room behind the court. They walk up to the Accused, punch him and snatch his iPod. One puts it on and continues to enjoy the song.

 

SPC: “Cos I ain’t no hollaback girl! I ain’t no hollaback girl!”

 

The bailiff now brings the accused to the dock. He looks haggard and worn and tired in all his body parts except his eyes. His eyes are full of fire as always. So much busungu.

 

Bailiff: State your name for the record.

 

Accused: I’m Besigye.

 

Bailiff: Full name please.

 

 

Accused: Doctor Warren Kizza Besigye Kifeefe Byanyima Codename Black Thunder aka The Rage of The Age.

Bailiff: State your profession

Accused: I have been working as a presidential candidate for the last fifteen years.

Bailiff: Place your hand on the bible and take this oath.

Accused: OUCH!!!

 

As soon as Besigye’s hand touches the Holy Book flames erupt from nowhere to scald his fingers. The same thing happens with The Koran.  In the end he has to just swear on a Lil Wayne CD.

 

 

Accused: I hereby swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Young Money 4 Life.

Judge: You are charged with Premeditated Felony Class A Perambulation To Occupation With Criminal Intent. How do you plead? Guilty or not guilty.

Accused: I don’t know. What does perambulation mean?

Judge: It means you walked to work illegally.

Accused: I didn’t know.

Judge: You cannot enter a plea of I didn’t know.

Accused: I was only walking because fuel prices are too high.

Prosecution: Objection! The man has his own petrol station! I saw it.

Defense Lawyer: Objection. The prosecution cannot object to the judge.

Judge: Sustained. Accused, say guilty or not guilty.

Accused: Ah? Not guilty, man.

Judge: The prosecution may now cross-examine a nigga.

Prosecution: We, the prosecution, intend to produce video evidence from NTV Point Blank and even youtube as well as the testimony of several witnesses that will show that this man did in fact on the morning of April the 12th walk…

Accused: Banange!

Prosecution: …With malice aforethought!

 

 

Accused: I just wanted to get to work. Since when is walking a crime?

Prosecution: Mmmswechch! Objection. I am the one asking the questions, here!

Judge: Objection! You can’t object during your own cross-examination.

Accused: Objection! The judge can’t object.

SPC: Objection! You are making noise and I’m trying to listen to Gwen Stefani.

Prosecution: Kifeefe, who allowed you to walk? Don’t you have a car?

Accused: I have, man.

Prosecution: Address the judge. Say “I have, your honour.”

 

Accused: But it is you who is asking me.

Prosecution: Yes, I ask you and you answer him. That’s how the law is. Now, don’t you have a car?

Accused: I have, your honour.

Prosecution: Doesn’t it work?

Accused: It works your honour.

Prosecution: Isn’t there petrol in it?

Accused: But the petrol is expensive, your honour.

Prosecution: You mean you can’t afford?

Accused: Me  I can afford but…

Prosecution: So why were you walking?

 

 

Accused: I was walking in solidarity with the average Ugandan who is suffering from prohibitive fuel and food prices and who cannot afford to drive or take a taxi to work.

Prosecution: Objection! Bullshit!

Judge: I’ve told you already. You cannot object to your own witness. Are you mad?

Prosecution: Sorry, your honour, but yes. I’m on some medication, but it’s still experimental. Kifeefe, why were you walking?

Accused: I care about the common man and his plight. I saw his plight so I said even me let me just walk…

Prosecution: HAH!! So you admit it!

Accused: Admit what?

Prosecution: You admit it!

Accused: Admit what? What do you want?

Prosecution: I want answers! I want the truth!

Accused: You can’t handle the truth!

Prosecution: Did you or did you not WALK???

 

Accused: Yes they deserved to die and I hope they burn in hell!

Defense: Objection! That line was from Samuel L Jackson in A Time To Kill and some of our readers may not recognize it.

Judge: Sustained. Will the defendant please use more current or more popular movies?

Accused: Okay, I walked. I admit it. We live in a world that has walks. And those walks have to be guarded by men with guns. Who’s gonna do it? You? You Kayihura? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That  my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that walk, you need me on that walk.  Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to.

Everybody in the court applauds brilliant performance.

 

Prosecution: No further questions, your honour.

Jugde: Defence, it’s your witness.

Defense: Kifeefe,

Accused: Yes?

Defense: Would you please tell the court why you walked on that fateful day? Tell us the truth.

Accused: Yes. Yes, I walked. But I did it for the people! It is an ideal for which I hope to walk and if need be it is an ideal for which I am ready to … okay, I’m not sure about dying. But at least I’m ready to spend a few hours in custody.

Defense: Now, the law allows for mitigating circumstances in the case when a crime like unlawful walking or felony perambulation is concerned. I would like to ask you, Kifeefe, why did you walk?

Accused: I wanted to lead a demonstration to turn national spotlight on the issue of rising fuel costs and the suffering they are causing to the common man. I thought I could do this by walking to work.

Defense: I see. And did you succeed?

Accused: On turning the spotlight there?

Defense: On walking to work.

Accused: No. I didn’t reach. I was barely out of my house when I got arrested. The maid could even see me. She laughed. That kabitch is so fired.

Defense: So you set off to walk to work, but didn’t actually reach?

Accused: No. I was stopped by the Popo.

Defense: Therefore, you did not actually walk to work.

Accused: I did not.

Defense: You see No walking to work was committed by my client. There is no crime. This case is baseless. Habeaus corpus! The defense rests. Denny Crane.

 

 

Judge: Having heard arguments from both the prosecution and the defense, I have decided on a ruling. Given that his work is standing for president, he cannot actually walk to work until Feb 2016. Therefore, the crime of felony perambulation to work was not committed. This court therefore finds the accused not guilty.

Besigye: Wait. That SPC didn’t return my iPod!

 

 

The Walk To Work: Arrested For Walking Under The Influence Of Legs

Yesterday was walk to work day.

For those who still don’t know what that was all about, it means girls were supposed to walk to work naked and boys were just supposed to buy popcorn and sit by the roadside while updating their Facebook status messages with LOLs, OMGs and mssstttcchhews, where appropriate.

Just joking. It was just a public holiday for government to celebrate its annual arrest of Kizza Besigye. It happens once every year.

Okay okay. I’ve been asked to be serious. On this day, which was yesterday, Ugandans planned to walk to work (duh!) in protest of the high prices of everything which are leading to a high cost of living and consequently, a high cost of partying.

And opposition likes partying. Increase fuel costs, sugar, chips, do whatever you want with the economy but don’t increase the cost of entering a disco. They are called opposition parties for a reason. Which is what incensed Kizza Besigye.

However, according to the law, no one was supposed to walk. They dare see any two legs working together, they arrest.

If a policeman saw you walking, you had only five options:

1.       Stop immediately and wait for him to look the other side

2.       Sneak to work

3.       Start hopping on one leg to your destination

4.       Use a foolscap to cover your legs so that it looks like you’re floating to work

5.       Send your legs ahead of you quickly before he sees them

Those without legs had an advantage.

Me? I walked. It was within the office but still. I even extended my walk to after-work hours. I walked to the pc , I walked to the TV, I walked to where my food was on the table, I walked away, I walked to the toilet to do toiletty things…I walked.

Did you walk?