Category Archives: The Ffene Interviews

The Ffene Series Part III: Cross-Species Heartbreak, Johanssens and being on-TV

There are many times when the only thing standing between you and peace of mind is this blank computer screen; wide as the Red Sea and unbargainable-with as an angry toddler.

... and that is IT!!

All attempts to cajole or bribe the computer screen will come to nothing. The computer screen is blank, which is the problem, kind of like that day in P.3 when you came back from school knowing you did something messed up the previous night and expecting a righteous whopping only to be met by your mother with smiles at the doorway.

I am going to need a go between, some-one to carry my small letters at break time with my love offering of three pancakes folded in a greasy scrap of newspaper, I am going to need a huge boost of ffene magic.

ULK: Hullo Mrs. Mrs Kifenensi, you see the dilemma here? The experts call it writers block.

Mrs Kifenensi: I know writers block, he must be Samalie’s brother.

ULK: Who is Samalie?

Mrs Kifenensi: Some ka (*expletive*) who stole my horny toy-boy’s heart (and his groin along with it).

ULK: Oh you mean your bizarre cross generational cross species whatsoever from the ULK party last year?

Mrs Kifenensi: Ya! So trust me, I feel your pain, I know everything about losing mojo.

ULK: Don’t worry, you will be fine. Get well soon and drink lots of fluids. So before you tell us what you have been up to, why not introduce yourself to the new readers. I am sure you have noticed our stats have increased since the last time we talked.

Mrs Kifenensi: My name is Mrs. Immaculate Kifenensi; president of the Ffene National Entity. (FFNE) and part time life coach and self help consultant. Some people say I am a bit fleshy but I think fleshy is sexy especially if you are a fruit. My hobbies include long walks by the beach, the color yellow, and ripening on the weekend. You can contact me on ….

ULK: Whoa!! Ease up there… If you want to advertise yourself, feel free, ULK recently developed an ad engine for the site, (coming soon) In the meantime this is not a lonely hearts column. And what happened to your husband doesn’t he read ULK?

Mrs Kifenensi: He used to, until he ended up in some-one’s salad, the damn fool.

ULK: Very sad, so by means of changing the topic, (as we Ugandans do) how is work and what’s new?

Mrs Kifenensi: This and that. Mainly it’s the this, but occasionally one has to indulge in the that. You know whah me say?

ULK: Not really.

Mrs Kifenensi: Be in the class boss, you are being left behind.

ULK: How was Avengers? Did it live up to the hype?

Mrs Kifenensi: Eh! (Breaks out into the first smile of the day) that movie was awesome. That Scarlett girl really has a big Johanssen. Is that what they call camera tricks?

There is something Scarlett about this Johanssen #Cameratricks

ULK: What did you think of the recent debacle when a state minister walked out of a TV interview?

Mrs Kifenensi: You know I think it reflects the current state of negative thinking in this country which we must struggle against by embracing the philosophy of Ffene. How do you let questions from a mere journalist transform you into a ka-bitch like that? If as you claim, you have no clue about what is happening, don’t be daunted; stand by your ignorance. Posterity will vindicate you.

ULK: You mentioned the philosophy of Ffene, care to share a bit more on that?

Mrs Kifenensi: It is the philosophy of natural color, vitamins and Bon Jovi type lyrics, basically being positive in a nut-case.

ULK: I think you mean nutshell.

Mrs Kifenensi: Believe me, after this Samalie episode, it’s going to be about being positive in a nut-case for a few months.

ULK: You will be fine, any last words?

Mrs Kifenensi: Stay positive, stay focused, Beera Mu Class, Kampala si Bizimbe and there is no Church in the Wild (alright alright …. No church in the wild… yeaaah). How is the bluudclat writer’s block by the way?

I think it’s gone now.  Show the fans some love will you?

 

 

FFENE SERIES Part2: UMEME, Bad Black and Phone Kinkinesses

Hello, Streetsider here.

When I set out to write this article. I had a mission and an object.

OBJECT: An article, 500 words approx.

MISSION: To write a Top Ten about the leading mental disorders on the market and pepper it with folksy anecdotes from a bizarre landscape where when you have gonorrhea you ACTUALLY pee fire…

Chyeck dis, Chyeck dis

…and some people in Lungujja eat their children.

 

…Its not that I don’t want per se, but really! Why did you have to call it putting food on the table?

That was the plan. But unfortunately…

The article wasn’t having it.

99 words. Blink.

102 words. Blink.

105 words. Blink.

Very obstinate some of these articles can be. So I left it alone and decided to give you the Ffene Series part 2!!! Enjoy yourselves.

(This is the Editor-In-Chief; ah… Mr Typer …GWE! You there with the disorganized fingers. Do be a sport and create a chi- italic thingie so I can sound like I am whispering …

Ah! Brilliant!

Now for those of our readers who are not familiar with the Ffene series. These are a series of interviews with Kampala’s leading vitamin and bright color activist, Mrs. Kifenensi, president of the Ffene National Entity. (FFNE)… Installment 1 can be read here.

She prefers to live a private and secluded life. (In case people eat her). But once in a while she will consent to share her views and feelings on various matters.)

ULK: Mrs Kifenensi, we know you hate the limelight, but we have to ask, were you at the ULK party? And if so… how was it?

Mrs Kifenensi: I was! It was ballistic. I had a good time. I even got a rub-a-dub from a horny youngster.
(Shows us a part along her side still raw from all the rub action)

ULK: We are glad to hear that you enjoyed your cross-generational cross -species rub- a- dub.

Mrs Kifenensi: Munnange ever since the husband was sliced up, it’s been a hard time. I get very lonely… (A waxy tear slides down her rough green face)

Mrs Kifenensi: Anyway I got the youngster’s number so… be assured, every four or five hours I call him up and we breathe heavily to each other on the phone for about twenty minutes. You won’t believe the rush it gives me.

ULK: Fascinating, fascinating. What are your thoughts on the Bad Black Fiasco.

Mrs Kifenensi: I feel first of all, that in this world branding is, if not everything, at least 69 percent. have you seen that picture of her You can’t call yourself Bad Black if your face looks like a head on collision between a bottle of Jik and a bar of Mekako Premium.

Bad Black

ULK: I believe when she said Bad Black, she was talking about her soul.

Mrs Kifenensi: True, you can’t bleach that. You know who deserves the name Bad Black? UMEME!

ULK: Indeed… What do you recommend?

Mrs Kifenensi: I would advise every citizen to purchase as much Jik as they can, then when the lights go out, pour it out in the air so as the bleach the darkness. It is the only solution I can think of.

ULK: You have evidently given this a lot of thought.

Mrs Kifenensi: Munnange, Nkooye UMEME sausage. Is this interview over? It’s almost midday. I need to go call that ka youngster and say say disturbing things. This ffene needs to get her pre-lunch groove on nahmsayin?

ULK: Oh sure, we can always continue some other time. Any last words for your fans?

Mrs Kifenensi: Stay positive. Stay focused. Keep it bright(despite UMEME sausage), keep it happy, keep it Ffene!!!

From ffene with love.

Live The Good Life, Live Ffene!: PART 1

Ffene, the African Jackfruit (Artokifenesis heterosmellus) is our one of the nations most celebrated fruits. Si ndio?
It grows everywhere, watching with a benevolent eye as we conduct and misconduct our affairs. When we are hungry we eat ffene to fill our bellies. When times are good, we do the ffene.

Doing the Ffene

When we have no sugar we mix ffene juice in the mukalu and pretend we are doing it because it is nutritious and rich in vitamins and essential minerals. Ffene has our backs.

Ffene has those nice colors which make you think of sunshine and healthiness and staying of the sexual network. Ffene is a positive fruit, it believes in hope and looking forward to a day when the economy isn’t so bad that just looking into your wallet makes you want to crawl into your undies and stay there.With Ffene, you can always believe that life will get better.

We love you Ffene

As such we feel that Ffene being part of the national fabric deserves to be heard. It has valuable lessons for us as Ugandans. The other day ULK had a meeting with Mrs Kifenensi; the president of the Ffene National Entity. (FFNE). We conducted a long and leisurely interview, in which she shared with Urban Legend her views and feelings on various matters in the news around the world.

Here is the first Installment:

ULK: A president of a certain country recently confessed that his population was composed mainly of robbers, bandits, pick pockets, swindlers, lawyers, politicians, shoplifters, crooks and basically all manner of thieves. How do you feel about that?

MRS K: That, I must confess is partly our fault. All over that country, when young boys and girls are growing up, our plump curvy figures and sweet sinfully succulent flesh has enticed and seduced, teaching them… Wait… Why do you have a hard on?

ULK: Because, for some reason, I really want to have sex with a fruit. I evidently have some serious issues. I shall get help.

MRS K: You should.

ULK: You may have heard Mrs Kifenensi; that currently, the Miss Uganda completion is underway and the finalists were recently unveiled. Any thoughts?

MRS K: I feel strongly that these bu-girls need to eat more Ffene. Ffene chips, Ffene cake, Ffene yoghurt, Ffene posho anything to put more flesh on those bones. Some of them look like they were squeezed out of a tube. I want them to know that we are here for them.

ULK: We wanted to know, if you feel it is right for opposition MPs to be sprayed with pink water so much.

MRS K: to be honest I sometimes feel that some of these PMs need to chill. To cool off if you get my drift. As such I see no problem. Fro me i like to be aid back and happy. My issue is with the color. Strawberry pink? No, we can’t allow that. Strawberries are some of our most vicious enemies. Not only do they wear their seeds on their bodies (which is the fruit equivalent of having a vagina on your elbow) they have also snatched up the flavor market, relegating us to wheelbarrows and the fruits in small plastic containers they deliver to offices. Strawberry if you are reading this, I want you to know that you cannot take the terrorism (or is it counter terrorism) anyway you cannot take this away from us. Beef just.

We pray that one day, all enemies of liberty and government will be sprayed in tasteful green and yellow ffene colors. it is only right. We shall see you next time with the next installment of these riveting series, the Ffene interviews, until then, keep it bright, keep it happy, keep it Ffene!!!