Category Archives: Suburbans

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MPS GO FOR IPAD TRAININIG

A peek into what will be happening at the MPs iPads training.

Trainer: Do you have your iPads with you?

MPs: Yes.

Trainer: Turn them on!

MP for Gulu: How sir?

Trainer: Do you all see the button at the bottom middle?

MP for Gulu: Bottrom middle?

Trainer: Ok, let me come over there and I show you!

MP for Kampala: Naawe. Press this button!

MP for Gulu: Oh. Like that. Ok teacher, I am ready.

Trainer: Now, Slide to Unlock.

MP for Ntungamo: Sride to unrock? Nawe. We know thati ka one. Nitukakyenga!

Trainer: Have you all slid to unlock?

MP for Nebbi: Slid not slided? No wonder people failed English in these S4 results!

Trainer: You will now be on your home screen. Now on your home screen, you have apps!

MP for Busoga region jiggers: Ups? What do you mean ups?

Trainer: Apps for Applications!

MP for Busoga region jiggers: Osaga. What if we want downs? Can’t I have downs? Me I want downs.

Trainer: But? Ok. Who else is on their home screen?

MP for Gulu: Why do they call it the home screen?

Trainer: I don’t know. Ask the people from apple?

MP for Gulu: They are apple people?

MP for Kampala: No, not apple people. The iPad was made by people from Apple.

MP for Gulu: You man, why are you lying me. Apple is a fruit and not a country! You think I don’t know about you people from Kampala.

Trainer: Can we please continue with the training?

MP for Kampala: We are not talking about the apple you find in your fruit salad at Parliament.

Trainer: Apple is a company created by Steve Jobs.

MP for the Jobless: Hahaha. Pun. Did you guys hear that? Steve Jobs created Apple.

MP Youth Fund: Who has the highest score on flappy bird? I just got a new high score. 5.

MP Karamoja Affairs: Can I see? What is this flappy bird?

MP Anti Pornography Bill: Is it naked?

Trainer: My high score on flappy bird is 58.

MP Youth Fund: What? We shall expel you from parliament like the rebel MPs.

MP for Parliament Affairs: Guys. Pay attention otherwise we might not get our allowances today.

Trainer: Ok. So, on the home screen you will find apps. Can anyone tell me some of the apps they have?

MP for Gulu: InstaLimits

MP Youth Fund: Angry Money

MP for Karamoja Affairs: Whatsapp? What is this thing? Me I am fine.

MP for the Jobless: Solitaire

MP for Kampala: Uhm? I don’t see any? My screen has gone black!

MP for Parliament Affairs: Fruit Ninja? Is that the one they use to make our fruit salad?

Trainer: Alright. Any questions?

MP for Ntungamo: Hati, howu do you sride to unrock? What do I press?

Trainer: . . .

Well, that’s how it might go down. We shall surely keep you updated.

 

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The Acholi finally famous!

It was announced earlier that Uganda would be getting its first ever total lunar eclipse somewhere in Acholi land next month. This news was received with proclamation that 30,000 tourists will come into the country to see the total lunar eclipse. We contacted the Minister for Internal Affairs and asked him a few questions about this total lunar eclipse and his is what he had to say.

ACHOLI-DANCE

We finally famous…we finally famous!

US: So, good news, Uganda getting a total lunar eclipse, what do you have to say about that?

Minister: I am glad you came to me. Finally, I can now add to my C.V that I was the first minister to bring in a total lunar eclipse in all of Uganda. I can now brag to my other ministers. In fact, I just sent a petition to government to increase my salary for bringing in a total lunar eclipse. You see, I went to the NASA and asked them personally if they can bring the lunar eclipse to Uganda and they allowed. This makes me a man of importance in this country.

US: So minister, you’ve still not answered our question?

Minister: You see, when I was in primary school, our teachers used to tell us about these things, and now, I can go and tell my teachers finally that I brought them a total lunar eclipse. I am now cool like that.

US: But aren’t your teachers not teaching any more Minister?

Minister: Well, I will go to the school and ask for them to put a monument of me as the first Ugandan to bring the moon to Uganda.

US: But Minister, we know that the total lunar eclipse is going to be in Pakwach?

medicine-man_pvs-photography

Shit, who took the lights out?!

Minister: Eh! You are serious. Let me call the president and tell him that we need a minister for Pakwach Lunar Affairs (PLA) now. You see the government needs to capitalize on such opportunities. We are going to create more jobs for the people in Acholi.

US: What about the 30,000 tourists you said would be coming to see the lunar eclipse?

Minister: 30,000? They first need to ask visa from my office and if they don’t give me my ka-chai, I cannot allow them into my country. Besides, we also have other tourist attractions like Jennifer Musisi’s lawns and trees with tires in them in the city centre. I really like that woman but she’s hard to ku kwana.

US: Jennifer Musisi’s trees with tires?

Minister: Wangi?

US: So, Minister, what about the people of Pakwach, what do you have to say to them about the lunar eclipse?

acholi warrior_2

We really need to stop and ask for directions.

Minister: For a long time when I was studying social studies, I wanted to know why those people were black. I think now that the total lunar eclipse is coming, those questions will be answered. In fact, we have sent a research team from government to buy land where the total lunar eclipse shall fall. Then we shall tell NSSF to buy land there. That land is very important. The country needs to invest in land where the total lunar eclipse has fallen.

US: Thank you minister for your time.

Minister: Ate my ka chai. This interview is not for free.

US: Actually, the people from Pakwach are the Alur.

Minister: Ok bye.

This Is What Will Happen To You At Campus

By The Undisputed Fish Drowner Balamaga Rogers

Campus is opening soon and freshers can’t wait. But with all the inviting anecdotes you’ve heard from friends and older siblings, I understand why you would be excited about joining campus, and contrary to what you may perceive from this, it is not intended to burst anyone’s bubble, but just to affirm expectations.

Hereinunder is a list of 8 things that are going to happen after you’ve started campus. While this may be the best time of your life, depending on how much money your father can afford to spoil you with; on the flip side, the same would-be-beautiful-memories may find their way in the same grave you buried those of that, your high school sweetheart who dumped your sorry behind because you screwed up.

Dumped

  • You are going to milk as much money as possible from your parents just so you can stay in the same fancy hostel as your friends from affluent families.

 

  • Your self-worth will then be absurdly tied to how smart the phone your older siblings can buy you in comparison to friends’.

 

  • The size of your TV screen will invariably determine how many visitors of the opposite sex you’re going to attract to your room which will turn out to be quite a big deal as you’ll find out.

 

  • The adjective “cool” will be reduced to being used in relation to what ‘happening’ places one knows and their likelihood of stealing their parents’ car on a Friday evening.

 

  • The use of the acronym “YOLO” aka You Obviously Luck Originality will also be grossly abused to being used in defense of acts of irresponsibility and abject stupidity.

 

  • You will also realize that idiocy will become a virtue; people will gloat about hangovers in dimwitted Facebook status updates written in a peculiar retard-like language that reads sumthin lyk dis with a YOLO hashtag.

 

  • Pitiful as it may be, expressing commitment to your intended purpose and stay at the university will attract so much shame and ridicule from the esteemed members of the “cool” social circles, ultimately impairing your social standing. You will accordingly be advised to get a “life”.

 

  • For those still laded with a capra hymena, chances are that you’ll have that precious cherry you’ve preserved for the last 20 years popped in the icky Casablanca loos by a stranger who will take advantage of your heights.

My only hope, for your own sake, is that you’ll remember to squeeze time in your rather busy schedule to cultivate a few employment worthy skills. Because if your father doesn’t have a slot for you in his company, should you not be lucky enough to know people who matter in the real world; then woe upon your pitiful self.

After you’ve thrown that lavish graduation party and written 13 job applications; you’re going to flop your uncreative tush in your father’s couch and resign yourself to watching Vampire Diaries for another two years.During this time, I guarantee you, your campus memories will be nothing but a poignant reminder of time and money wasted trying to keep up with people you may not even know anymore.

How To Become A Kiprotich

By The Last Airbender Kuzooka Conrad

Good morning class?

*Class stands up!* Good morning Mr. Kanabi!

Now, dear childrens, I want to teach you how to be a Kiprotich.

It has come to our notice that since Uganda celebrated 50 years, we have been able to capture 2 gold medals from the bush war we fought outside countries. This bush war has nothing to do with guns or the Eno Ara Emu but practicing chasing chicken for the visitor who came to your place in the village. Apparently that’s also the origin of Enkoku Nkulu!

Now, if you master how to chase chickens, the government sponsors you and puts you on an aeroplane to go and run alongside other people who have also learned how to chase chickens. Here’s a ten steps runs guide to teach you how to become a Kiprotich.

You don’t need fake gold grills after this!

You don’t need fake gold grills after this!

1. Lie about your age. We all know Kiprotich is not 23, we are not sure if he’s younger than 35 but he claims he’s 23. If you can master lying about you age, then surely you can run 42kms any day, any time. This doesn’t apply to women.

2. Work for Luzira Prisonor any other prison in the country. Do you know of anyone who has escaped from Luzira prison? Do you? No! I don’t think so! Why? Because of Kiprotich. In Luzira prison, if you want to escape, you ask for permission, and they will give it to you on condition you don’t get caught by Kiprotich.

3. Eat ka-little little. Have you heard of the saying carry your own weight? We measured Kiprotich and he’s 35 kilos but again, like he lied about his age, we can’t confirm on this. But if you know how to carry your own weight, then you surely can become a Kiprotich. This again doesn’t apply to Straka and her buddies.

4. Escape from the Kony rebels. Ask Inzikuru, she’ll tell you more on this.

5. Make sure that the UPE school you go to is 42kms away and if you don’t attend it, you get free kiboks everyday. That will teach you how to run!

6. Make sure you are from the cheetah/leopard clan (Ngo) and am not referring to the fumblers from some school with beaten down buildings.

7. Walk to Work. Now, if you used to go for these campaigns and police chased you around with pink water, then you’d have a gold medal or be like Kiprotich. So, for the next one, go and train for that gold medal.

8. Follow closely the above steps I have given you! They are very important.

9. Make sure that when they are giving birth, your wife, girlfriend, side dish, emesse is wearing canvas shoes. This is a secret. I just got it from wikileaks!

10. Go back to the village and look for the night dancer, and ask them to give you their secrets. If you can run faster than or even longer than they can chase you, then you have qualified to become a Kiprotich.

11. The last one is very crucial because this is the key to becoming a Kiprotich. Ensure there’s a toilet at the finishing line. Eat before the race, drink before the race and hold all that in. Now get on your marks, get set, and you will have a gold medal at the end of the race.

Need we say more?

Bunyoro Vs BuBritish: Game On!

By The Ungoddamnstoppable Ronald Mayanja

It is unamazing how historical events unfold… When the British were taking artifacts from Bunyoro kingdom in the 1800’s, it is more than likely that the King might have just let them take them because well, back then they were not artifacts, but just a bunch of expired furniture.

Just for your remembrance, artifacts are pieces of useless stuff saved to look at in the future.

Specimen A: Vintage City Mayor, Erias Lukwago

Specimen A: Vintage City Mayor, Erias Lukwago

The Smithsonian, for example found a 2000-year old Egyptian dog carcass and put it in the museum as an artifact. But as you can already see, that was some worthless piece of dog at the time of its death.

It is said that the University of Oxford is holding some 279 cups, plates and such household stuff taken from Kabalega’s palace during the colonial times. Right now, Bunyoro says they want their stuff back, but Oxford says they have been holding the utensils for centuries and are overwhelmed by the size of shit the kingdom gives after all this time.

Are they going to give it back? Depends. Will goats ever be given the freedom to democratically elect their own leader? Those artifacts will stay where they are. Why?

The pecking order problem

This is one of the most despised, yet most accepted rules of nature. Important people like Peter Griffin are going to find people less worthy than them to kiss their ass, because they clearly can’t do it by themselves. And nature will find a way to provide a person or two for just that.

Ass Kissing

So, a long time ago in Bunyoro, the king and his chiefs were pecked by the commoners that had little or no money, and you see, that was alright…because they’d take their best chicks, and feast on their best ducks and not a word was said. Then the whites showed up. The sobs had to be pecked by the kings, because that is the order, and boy did they get pecked.

Game of thrones

Among the things that the British government confiscated from Kabalega’s palace was his beloved eight-legged throne. Yes, eight-legged throne. And I wish I was shitting you.

It is said that Kabalega’s choice of chair is one that transcends centuries and should be taken seriously. Legend has it that the chair not only worked as the King’s throne but also as a venue for the beating of the royal rats.

We got if from the net

Oxford University claims they bought the chair/bed on ebay. And as their policy of paying cash for all forms of weird looking shit from the 1800’s, they went on to buy it.

“At first we thought it was just a bloody wooden stool that was a cool buy. But we later discovered it was indeed a throne from those of Africa,” a source from Oxford said.

“We ain’t returning it though.”

An ATM Withdrawal. Or An Attempt At One

By Tom “Hollywood Heffe” Rwahwire

ATM

  • Hello. I’d like to make a withdrawal.
  • Of what you man. Lol.
  •  Of money. What else.
  • Which money. Now see this one.
  • Dude, just spit out the money. ATM doesn’t stand for Attitude Trashtalk Machine.
  • Okay, um… let me check your balance… um… you have exactly… click, click, whirrrrr, click, Uganda Shillings BLEAK on your account.
  • You must be kidding me. It’s only the tenth of the month!
  • And yet, here we are. Broke as Ziggy Dee.
  • Where did all the money go?
  • I don’t know. You are the one who took it.
  •  I swear. Now what am I going to do. Shit. I can’t be broke this early in the month.
  • ATM doesn’t stand for Advice To Man machine, so don’t ask me what you are going to do. You humans spend December as if you are all Zaris and then you come and disturb us in January when you have taken out all the money. I’m empty and I’m tired of humans coming in here and asking me where their money is. You are all broke this month.
  • I swear. Why don’t ATMs give overdrafts?
  • I don’t know. Go in the bank and ask the hot tellers.
  • I can’t. I don’t want them to know I am broke. I have been hitting on them.
  • All of them?
  • That’s the kind of guy I am. Playa’s gon play. You know wharramsayin?
  • You are the kind of guy who ends up broke by the tenth of January. You need to stop overchasing birds. Now what happens when you catch one? Imagine if you needed money to buy pampers or to pay school fees. What would your broke ass do?
  • Maybe I should get a sugar mummy.
  • Too late. The cut-off age is 26. You are 32.
  • So now what do I do?
  • Find the one where it stands for Advice To Me and ask it. Me if you want to know how much I care, look at your balance. That’s the figure. In fact, I was sleeping and you disturbed me.

Moral of the story: Get a sugar mummy before it is too late.

 

The Origin Of The Rolex

By Ninja Gerald Ainomugisha a.k.a Six Wheeler

One wise man once said, “Spain is not Uganda. Because in Uganda, Rolex is not a watch” I find loads of truth in this sentence… well, apart from the wise man bit. I must tell you I have been baffled by the infinitesimal awesomeness of this national phenomenon we call Rolex, right from the second we locked lips. It was love at first taste!

Being the bright inquisitive young man I am, I was intrigued to delve into its history, I wanted to know what made the Rolex tick… (Haha! Pun so intended! Place your palm on your monitor screen for a virtual hi5!) So, I now present to you my Advanced Hypotheses On The Origin Of The Rolex.

 

Caught in the act of rolexation.

Hypothesis #1:

The Big Bang. Yes, I know what you are thinking. The Big Bang caused the formation of the universe not simanyi a Rolex. Well, clearly you have been wasting your DSTV watching NatGeo and Discovery instead of Agataliiko Nfuufu but look here, there’s a catch! According to my quantum calculations, when the Big Bang occurred, such an abnormally great amount of energy was instantaneously released that the universe was formed.

Once again, I know what you are thinking. We knew that, dwanzie! But here is the long hidden secret; it is the Rolex which caused the Big Bang. Technically, I know this is not an explanation of the Rolex’s origin but hey, at least you’ll have something to say when caught in a geeky argument.

Hypothesis #2:

There once lived a hard working chapatti maker who worked hard. He worked so hard they called him Mr Hardworking Chapatti Maker.  One day, Mr Hardworking Chapatti Maker was hard at work as usual spinning away at his hot turn tables, when a storm started gathering. And he spun away, and it gathered, and he spun away even harder. While everyone ran for cover, Mr Hardworking Chapatti Maker just made more dough. And I don’t mean that dough you hear in Rick Ross’ songs, as in he literally made more dough.

Then out of the darkening sky came a lightning bolt that went straight for Mr Hardworking Chapatti Maker… Lights out. When he regained consiousness, all that was left of his stand was a hot steaming Rolex. Seeing this as a sign, Mr Chapatti Maker was so thankful for his life had been spared that he immediately repented his old chapatti-making ways and immediately became Mr Hardworking Rolex Maker, and he made rolex happily ever after.

Hypothesis #3:

On the Sabbath, God the Almighty decided to rest after a stressful week that included creating all and sundry, from Szamboki to Golola, from perfections like Six Wheeler to the likes of Bad Black… He probably overslept that morning, woke up to a heavenly brunch complete with katogo of offals, inspected His legions of angels, played FIFA 12 on his PS3, took a siesta and then topped it all off with a cool fruit cocktail from the Garden of Eden.

Then He woke up the next morning, fully rested and rejuvenated, generally feeling ayree and, with His Beats By Dre strapped on booming the latest hit single of The Heavenly Choir Of Angels, God started working on His last creation… the Holy Rolex.

 

A holy man continuing God's work.

 

Chicken Found Dead On Man’s Plate

By Ninja Gerald Ainomugisha a.k.a Six Wheeler

In a shocking horrific discovery, residents of Kimbejja village in Kyaliwajjala woke up to the shocking discovery of the mutilated dead body of a chicken. The steaming corpse was found lying in a pool of blood-red tomato sauce on a plate belonging to his human housemate. The deceased was identified as Mr Mulyakasooli and is survived by 3 hen-widows, 2 ex-wives, 15 chicks and 10 eggs.

 

The dead chicken during happier times

In what seems like a scene taken straight out of SAW, detectives came up with this as the most likely account of the gruesome crime; the suspect decapitated the deceased and chopped him up into pieces with a sharp object before proceeding to deep fry in hot oil. The corpse was also found to be missing feathers.

Witnesses RUM talked to claimed that the suspect had established a friendship with the dead chicken, as he was seen regularly feeding it some of his left-over katogo. On the fateful day, he was seen chasing the poor bird around his compound.

“Nigga, I saw the hommie chasin the bird but dude, I was like they gotta be playin coz they been kinda tight lately, no w’am sayin?” That was the account we got from MC Cool Cow, the suspect’s bovine neighbour.

Mr Wankoko, the chicken representative on the LC 1 committee has strongly condemned the crime saying, “It is very unfortunate that we are still witnessing such barbaric acts against members of our species in this era of equality and freedom.”

He also added that the murder was very likely to compromise the delicate peace between the humans and chicken of Kyaliwajjala and that it could have drastic economic effects on the township.  Kyaliwajjala Active Chiken In Trade Association (KACITA) has threatened to start hoarding eggs, a move that would deal quite a blow to the township’s GDP.

The suspect who narrowly survived lynching by a mob of violent chicken has been locked away and faces the possibility of being sentenced to 25 years of dodo and katunkuma. He seemed rather mentally disturbed as he shouted over and over, “Lwaki munzibako enkoko yange?!!” (Luganda for “Why do you steal my chicken you guys also you?”) Despite this, the police took the corpse to Mulago mortuary for a post mortem.

A photo of the dead chicken. (Warning: Picture might be too graphic).

 

7 Reasons Why You’re Not A Superhero

By Ninja Michael Kyeyune

The new Spiderman movie is just about the corner and it’s got people thinking: Why don’t I get bitten by radioactive insects (commonly known as Nsanafu)? Why don’t I get to put on cool underwear uniforms like Superman? How can I get Cat Woman’s number? Why cant I be a Superhero? Here are seven reasons why Superman wont share his underwear with you and probably why Cat Woman wont call back.

 

Ugandaman wearing his suit.

1. You don’t know the difference between right and wrong.

As the saying goes, “With great power comes many a chance to impress the girl next door and the right time to quit on education” by many Ugandan ministers back in their day. To prove my point let me ask two questions as copied off tests set at The International University of Superheroness found in the States.

Qn.1 You walk into a bank and suddenly have the to rob the bank. Do you;

A.     Rob the bank?

B.    Fight the mind control Prof. Xavier has on you?

Qn.2 You find yourself in a situation whereby you have to save Kim Kardashian or Kanye West. Do you:

A.     Save Kim first, get her number and take her out for lunch before saving Kanye?

B.     Just ignore Kanye?

If the answer to both questions is B then you probably have no friends and live a life of solitude. You’re a jackass.

2. Can’t fit in the uniform.

Honestly, how many of you can fit in Spidey’s tights? Or Superman’s underwear? As for the ladies, I’m told mentioning Cat Woman is a touchy topic around you.

3. You’re black.

Here’s the thing about superpowers and don’t say I didn’t warn you; Superpowers are racist. And they probably figure that as a black you’re mutation enough.

 

Ugandaman after mutation.

4. You’re broke.

Quick, check your pockets! Now throw away the thread coming from its being torn and dig deeper! Do you feel that hole? Yes, you’re broke. Otherwise you’d be going to work in Batmobile dressed in an Ironman suit.

5. Lack of prerequisites.

Your parents aren’t aliens, however much they act like it. You don’t have dead parents with lots of money, dead parents who apparently were geniuses and experimented on you out of love, and just plain dead parents and mutant parents.

6. Lack a Supervillain.

Let’s be honest. Who are you going to fight? It’s not like there are Jokers walking round the place. Potholes perhaps? UMEME maybe? UPDF? Those guys are invincible! No one wants you dead. Yet. Just go home.

 

7. You’re not in the US.

This is Uganda. Our heroes are on “Agataliiko Nfuufu”.

 

#ICan’tDateYou

By Ninjaress MoRoots

So the trend that caught my eye on twitter this week was #ICantDateYou… people proceeded to let rip of reasons why they won’t date people. Several ideas sprouted like green beans to my head: “because you are shorter than me”, “you only have one eye”, “because you have toes are ugly”, “you don’t wear socks with trainers”…

But I can only elaborate on a few…

#ICantDateYou if you suffer from bipolar disorder. If one minute you shall love me tender and give me sweet kisses then in the next second proceed to thrust me against the wall screaming f**kingskankwhoref**kingf**kf**kiloveyou… we are going to have a problem. I realize this is quite the extreme of scenario, however, what I mean is that I will not date you if you’re hot and cold, day and night, winter and summer in the same sentence. A little consistency goes a long way. No one wants to be treading on their tiptoes around your ass for fear of saying or doing something that will incite violence.

#ICantDateYou if you’re not loved by my family. Now, this is an especially personal for, because family and I are TIGHT. I love no one more than my family, my siblings are my best friends and if you wanna hang with me, you must be able to hang with them. Please do not expect me to put you before any of them because you will most probably be disappointed every time. But lucky for you, my family are just as awesome as I am, and if I like you, they most likely will…

#ICantDateYou if you send one-worded texts. This shit is just plain irritating and it shall force me to never text you back. In my head, texting is a conversation taking place because we are separated by space. SO if our conversation FACE TO FACE GOES LIKE THIS:

Me: How was your day babe?

Him: Oh, fine baby, had a long day at work boo, my boss was on my ass the whole day… (Notice how my boyfriend calls me baby and boo)

THEN WHY SHOULD THIS BE THE TEXT VERSION:

Me: How was your day babe?

Him: Cool.

Hmph. I shall passive aggressively (although I don’t really know how aggressive this comes across) reply your one-worded answer with a 3 paged essay that resolves with a series of several questions, leaving your ass TRAPPED to answer me back properly!

Me: So what you got planned for tomorrow? You wanna get drinks? What time do you finish work?

Now, if you are dating the ultimate asshole this is what you’ll get in return:

Him: Nothing. No. 5.

At which point I shall reply with two words: F**K YOU.

#ICantDateYou if you don’t like cuddling and giving hugs. I AM A HUGGER. The tighter the better, the longer the better! I also like to hold on to your arm and particularly enjoying sitting on a couch hugging aka cuddling. So, if you are one of these “you’re in my personal space” types, we have problems, as when it comes to cuddling time, I know no concept of personal space. Your space, is mine, your chest will be my pillow, I shall caress your arm and you shall love it :-D

#ICantDateYou if you are married already. I don’t know what else to say really. This seems pretty self explanatory.

#ICantDateYou if you’re a hoe. Everyone has a past. No, scratch that. It’s not true. Not everyone has a past. Maybe what I mean to say is that we’ve all done things in our past, fair enough, no judgment, you were young, you were excited about hitting puberty, you got excited that your voice broke, your testicles dropped, you felt it necessary to ensure that they were producing the things they were supposed to be producing. GREAT. Remind me why you have then continued to go around humping everything that wears a skirt? I leave such behavior for the likes of my German Shepherd… because he is a dog. Take your loose balls and sloppy tongue elsewhere.

#ICantDateYou if you take life too seriously and get embarrassed too quickly. I laugh loud, as afore mentioned I give hugs not handshakes, I hold people on their arms (especially when they are big arms), I stand up and do impressions, SO if you are one of those always cringing-can’t take a joke – hiding in embarrassment types… I have only this to say: to the left, to the left, everything you own in a box to the left.

#ICantDateYou if you don’t like music. I feel like this doesn’t deserve an explanation, but I shall explain. I eat music, drink it, sleep with it, I have musician friends (I feel to name drop but I shall resist the temptation :-D). Music is a part of me, so if you have the audacity to step into a room and tell me to turn off the music or to stop playing the piano… eh. You’re balls are big, but unwanted. So please extend away from me.

#ICantDateYou if you want to be all up in my business all the time… talking about where are you? Who you with? When you coming home? Why didn’t you invite me? Please have your own life. Go hang out with your guy friends for a day, I’ll meet you later. It is unattractive to be needy or suspicious. 

The list can genuinely go on for another 3 pages, as this topic has been trending 4 days now :-D BUT let’s end it on a positive note… I WILL DATE YOU if you love life, live life and make me laugh.