Category Archives: BBA

Who Or What Is An LK For?

prince-akeem-300x176

 

Who Or What Is LK 4?

Not who you think. You thought he was just some miscellaneous nigga there who saw the chance at free room and board in a luxury resort in outside countries for three months during which all he had to do was try to copulate with African women and drink heavily? But wait, my friend. There is more to LK4 than his three balls.

He has three testicles?

No, that is just a fancy way of saying somebody is a sports player. We say they have three balls. Lugudde has two testicles and one basketball. Or at least we assume there are two testicles. We DMd Zari to ask but she isn’t responding

 

ULKampala  @Zarithebosslady Hey Zari, hi. How many testes does LK4 have? #justasking

 

So what else is there to him, besides the nutsack?

It was revealed just before he left the Big Brother House, that Ivan Lugudde Katwe is actually a royal, a prince.

You mean like Akeem?

Worse, because he is, it is reported, second in line to the throne.

Mbu Second in line to rule? How come Sejusa never warned us about him?

Maybe it’s not the throne of Uganda per se. Maybe he is second in line to the throne of like a part of  Kisaasi.

Are you sure he wasn’t just drunk and talking shit? You know how these bakopi like getting drunk and talking shit.

Possibly. Because he also mentioned that his mum had 17 cars

But she kind of does. I mean if you assume he forgot to mention the words “former” and “Sugar” in that sentence.

What else was he up to in the Big Brother House?

Well, as we saw in the job description, trying to shag Africans from other countries.

Did he manage?

We understand that there was a South African called Cholesterol who was poised to give him some but then they both got evicted.

What? They dare evict the Prince? His Royal Supreme Highness Lugudde Katwe IV?

You’ve got the “highness” part right. I mean, how much do you have to drink to go on tv and tell the whole of Africa that you are the fucking prince of Uganda?

 

 

 

Last Chance to Post About Big Brother

Big Brother is coming to an end. We don’t want you to be completely green about what is happening so we have compiled an unreliable guide to the events that led to this finale, and a line up of the important figures.

 

The Big Brother Stargame

Modeled on Arkham Asylum, the Big Brother Stargame is all about placing social misfits together under camera surveillance and carrying out psychological experiments on them.

Upville/Downville

The Asylum, also known as the “house” or the “set” is divided into two regions. Upville is for the villains, and Downville is for the hoodlums, who are less intelligent.

Lady Mayday

As you can tell automatically from the name, she is the official designated house stripper.

 

Of coruse it's a ho name. May Lay

 

Talia

Lwaki? Mu ffumbiro temuli mmele? Agende alye.

Janneetttee

The honourable MP for Ruhama has helped galvanise the movement party against the opposition in the house of parliament. We say this because she is more powerful than all other Janets in all other houses.

Pressle

An annoying Kenyan who records weak rap music.  He has survived “eviction” thinking it is because Africa wants him to win. Actually, it is because Kenyans don’t want him to go back.

Kenyans show support for Pressle

 

Shanita

A former prostitute was convicted for fraud and sentenced to four years incarceration after charges brought by her ex-lover.

Kushaba Kairo

A Ugandan chap the way you see Ugandan chaps. At this point I shall quote a statement from our twitter department:

 Big Brother Africa UG representative Kyle, if you want to stay alive, don’t win. People will hug you, shake your hands & give you Ebola.

 

Now that you are up to date, don’t forget to join the rest of Africa on Sunday for the finale of the thrilling Big Brother Africa Stargame which we just described. Thank you.

Big Brother Stargame: Eek! Flash! Kyle! Janette!

 

 

Ivan: Right, the Big Brother Stargame is on. I didn’t catch the launch show, partly because I don’t hold the kind of clout that encourages invitation cards to cross paths with my person, but also because it sort of made more sense to watch a superhero movie that didn’t meander for ages before that ‘anha’ moment. Why is he called Iron Man… oh, I see. Why is he called the Hulk… oh, right.

On the flip side I’d have to keep wincing whenever they’d introduce a star. Lookit, Prezzo! Someone in the crowd would likely nudge their neighbor and ask, “Why do they call him that?” The neighbor would probably look over and say, “Because, dammit, he is some sort of presidential figure.” The gods would have a laugh and Africa would die a little inside.

Uganda would be a little luckier though. If reports are to be believed, our reps have sufficiently basic names. Michael and Natasha. If Michael is sensible, he will steer clear of nicknames. No one here calls him Mickey. Natasha… well, last I heard she was supposed to sashay into the music industry. It would be nice to see whether she can do anything else in there.

 

 

Baz: Alas, it seemed Ivan was wrong. This is what happens when you mix kwete with Black Label. The Ugandan highlight of Big Brother Stargame was Flavia Tumusiime who appeared to those with HD flat screen TVs as a large pink giggling cloud of fabric, make up, hair piece and banter. “Flavia is going to be in the house?” we thought. “Now who is going to watch K-Files? What if Rabbin Kisti takes over K-Files? Rabin Kisti likes taking over people’s shows.”

Then Eek showed up and we learned that Flavia was merely the cohost of the show.

 

Also, she was wearing this very big pink garment that was so full of hip, it made Eek lose his capacity to talk sense. Oh, wait. That’s just Eek bulijjo. You tell him about sense and he replies, “What is sense? Is it a kind of food?”

Ivan:  Hang on, you can’t accuse me of being ill informed. My sources clearly stated that Michael and Natasha were going to be in the Big Brother house. The only time they’ve been wrong was when they claimed that giant clouds shaped like mushrooms were going to come and make the earth their bitch. With the exception of that Nibiru fiasco, everything else has been on point. Almost.

But I’m a reasonable guy, I’m willing to accept the possibility that they meant that Natasha Sinayobye’s next song was going to be called Big Bother.
But focus: Big Brother has launched and they’ve promised us a couple of twists. What do you reckon’s gonna happen?

Baz: The first twist that got me, cos I didn’t expect it at all, was that they would have a Ugandan housemate named Kyle. I never in my whole life of many many years believed that there was such a thing as a Ugandan named Kyle. Maybe Kalyango.

And wait. That kid looks a lot like Duncan Kushaba from Urban TV.

Ivan: Duncan? We have Ugandans called Duncan? It sounds like a preserve of our brothers next door.  Frankly, I was not surprised. I’ve found that Ugandans like to be daring and take on names that are TV friendly. Like say, Karitas or Straka. Really the same letters, just slightly tweaked. What? Am I the only one that noticed?

Baz: Meanwhile the chick, Jannette? She looks just like this chick called Janet.

Ivan: The one twist that’s going to keep me glued to my screen (My PC screen. I don’t have DSTV.  Kale if only the good people responsible would take a hint and share some of that goodness.) is this, Big Brother is IN FACT one of the contestants. Spying on them and laying traps. And then, instead of proper evictions, (s)he will just bump them off like one of those movies… What shall we be voting for? You ask? Beats me, I’m the guy that thinks Karitas and Straka have something in common.

Baz: Big Brother is going to attempt to kill the contestants one by one? Cool. Just like the other housemate chick in the other Big Brother. What was her name? The one who had the wild look in her eyes like she is talking to you but she is also hearing other voices giving her instructions. What was her name? The one who would be seen sneaking into people’s beds at night as if considering which one to stab first? What was her name? Maureen. Yes. Maureen..

 

 

 

 

 

Big Brother Amplified: For Those Who Don’t Watch It

Most of the responses I got from my last article about Big Brother were very positive. They were ranged from “Oh, Ernest Bazanye, you are so wonderful. Ooooh, baby!” to “We would like to put you on the register for the next Heroes Day.”

However, some of it was not as nice. Some people in particular took exception to the fact that parts of it seemed made up.

Okay. You’ve got me. I make up these things. I don’t really watch Big Brother, so I have no choice. I fabricate all my Big Brother recaps.

One of the people who wasn’t happy about this called me on Monday.

 

  • Hello, is this Baz?
  • This is Baz. Who am I speaking to?
  • Baz, this is Big Brother calling from South Africa.
  • In that case, don’t call me Baz. We are not friends. Call me Mister Bazanye.
  • I should probably be calling you an evil bastard after what you wrote about me the other day on your ka-site. You think we don’t read it in South Africa?
  • You man, I talk so much shit on this site about so many people, it’s hard to keep track. Which particular diss are you talking about?
  • You told everyone that I made one of the housemates pregnant. You said that I had been sleeping with Bhoke and she had started to experience morning sickness.
  • Heh heh. Biggie. I have some bad news for you. That’s not your kid.
  • What? But she said I was her one and only.
  • Um… no. Maybe you were her one and only for that hour, but that baby is half Ugandan. Wasake is actually in Kampala right now shopping for pampers and bibs and baby booties. Big Brother, are you … is that crying on the phone?

Bhoke Wasake Jr

I wanted to know what was going on, so I turned on my … okay, I don’t have a DSTV. So I turned on my neighbour’s TV and tuned into the channel to see what was going on.

 

When we tuned in again about an hour had passed. Bhoke was asleep and Big Brother was somewhere shooting heroin to calm his nerves. The housemates were gathered around Nalukenge who seemed to be distributing some clear liquid from a saucepan.

 

Miss P: What did you say it was called again? Rock Blue?

Sharon O: It’s cored Wallagy. It’s a rockaw blew we mark in the vurlajjies art horme in Ugarnder.

Vumbai: It smells like alcohol. It must be a local brew they make in the villages at her home in Uganda.

Miss P: Then why doesn’t she say so?

Sharon O: Tharrts wart ah sard!

 

 

I soon discover that Big Brother had refused to replenish the housemates booze supply, so they had to fend for themselves. However, because I have a job and I can’t sit home idle watching this crap all day, I left to build the nation and only returned a few hours later to see what was going on.

 

Wendel and Lomwe were gazing into each others eyes and whispering.

Wendel: I love you. But don’t worry. I don’t mean that in a gay way.

Lomwe: Dude you so totally mean it in a gay way. You couldn’t be more gay if you walked in here with Elton John superglued to your bum. But I am not afraid. Nalukenge’s Rock Blue is making me see everything in a different way. Your eyes as soooo soft…

 

Sharon meanwhile is in the centre of the swimming pool speaking loudly.

“Me you see me here me Nalu? Wen I go baaka to Uganda and de see me allo dem de will say eh! Nalukenge Shallon of Wabulanendyembwa Virrage she alluso can be wen she can fry on da aeroplane and go evenny up to zere inni sausi. De willo evenny give me a jobbu of pulizenta in capto efwemu mwe muli awo.”

 

So, tune in to Big Brother every week night on Lighthouse Television for full coverage.

 

Exclusive Interview With Sharon O Nalukenge from Big Brother Amplified

You are used to me doing real interviews these days. For example, the other day I interviewed Enygma. Then I interviewed Daniel Omara aka Odoch Jasper aka star of The Hostel aka rumoured boyfriend of four or five different women in Kampala and surrounding areas. I am about to unleash for you yet another interview, this one with … eh. I can’t say. There might be people in the matooke plantation listening ready to jack my swagger. You go twelve steps into the plantation and you will find How To

That was a cryptic barb. It was meant for them, not you, my dearly beloved reader. You, DBR, just be there, make yourself comfy. I’m bringing nice interview soon any time.

 

 

I was saying… I usually do real interviews, but this time I will not be able to. I’ve been conscripted to interview Sharon O Nalukenge, currently serving her country in Big Brother Amplified Bikozebitya, but there are two reasons why no one has scored an interview with her yet.

  1. She is locked up in a house in South Africa (duh!) with no access to the outside world, so she would  not hear my questions and…
  2. She doesn’t talk, so I would not hear her answers.

Aate I was poised to give you a very powerful and moving interview, one which would expose the inner Sharon even better than the little skirts she wore during Obsessions performances. One that will show you the Sharon behind the make up, and I don’t mean questions like “turn around please”. I was going to get psychologically probing questions that delve deep into the psyche and unearth the secrets of her soul, reveal the mysteries of her mind. But then there are two reasons why I stopped trying.

  1. Why the hell would you care what is in Sharon’s soul, psyche and mind? Are you that bored?
  2. I don’t think there is anything in her mind.

But I have to run an interview of some sort. That’s what it says in the headline. So what I have decided to do is ask questions to somebody else.

Q: Sharon, you have a very distinct way of speaking. It is very unique. Very rare. What does it sound like? Since you are not here, I am going to pass that question over to Paul in the corner. Paul, what does Sharon O sound like?

A: I don’t know. Who is that?

Q: Sharon, a lot of us remember your earliest speech, the one you made upon your entry to the Big Brother House. You said to Eek, and by the way, fuck that guy—I hate him so much—that you were a fan of “Gary Turner Carroway Goowear”.  So I guess what I would like to know now is this: if you were to answer the phone right now, would you be like, “Hi, I’m stellrrrrrrr?”

Since Sharon cannot answer we turn back to Paul, who is the only person in the office right now. Paul?

A: Seriously, who the hell is Sharon O?

Q: Thank you. Now, Sharon, you have survived nomination quite a number of times. Some people have suggested that it’s your strategy in the game. Whenever you are nominated, there is somebody who is more disagreeable to the viewers than you, and that is how you survive. Do you think it is this “low key” persona that is responsible for your success so far, and do you think this is a good lesson to give to the kids in Uganda? That boring people can help you succeed? Sharon, is this the message you want to send to the girl child?

A: I’ve googled Sharon O on my Ideos and I’ve come up with the following answers: Sharon O’Hara, Sharon O’Dowd, Sharon Osbourne… Which one is it?

Q: That was Paul. Thank you Paul, you can now go back to unplugging the toilets. The interview is over.

A: There were stubs from Somali marijuana cigarettes that were causing the blockage. You should not try to flush them down the toilet.

Q: YOU BASTARD! I do NOT hire a PLUMBER to tell me what and what not to do with my TOILET! I’m going to count to three. If you are still here when I open my eyes, then I swear whatever gods you worship have mercy on your head because my foot will move so fast…

 

Big Brother Amplified, an Slightly Innacurate Recap

The Diary Sessions have been very tense for Bhoke, especially since Wasake left. Big Brother has shown a lot of patience to the troubled Djiboutian housemate, to his credit, but it seemed this patience was wearing thin when she was called in following Tuesday’s session of heavy green projective vomiting.

 

An artist's rendering


BB: Big Brother would like to know why you are puking on his furniture, Boke.

Bhoke: (Pukes again.)

BB: Big Brother would also like to know why you are puking on his camera.

Bhoke: But why is this an issue with me, sir? Everybody in this house pukes.

BB: They usually puke in the evening, after hoovering down half the hard liquor in Johannesburg. You have been puking in the morning. It’s out of schedule. Big Brother is concerned.”

Bhoke: Pukes again.

 

Cut to rest of the house.

 

BB: Big Brother would like to call Nalukenge to the Diary Room

Lucklay: We don’t know where she is.

Confidence: We live with her but she’s so invisible some of us never know where she is.

Lucklay: Wasn’t that chick evicted like two weeks ago?

Confidence: No, she’s still around. I think. I saw her shadow the other day.

 

Hanni waddles in. In this version of Big Brother, she has duck-feet.

 

Hanni: Hi guys. I need to take a dump but the toilet door is locked. I think there is someone hiding in there.

BB: Hannington…

Hanni: No, it’s Not Ngton. Just Hanni. Hannington was in the other year.

BB: My bad. Honey, sweetie, sugar, do you think the person hiding in the bathrooms could be Housemate Sharon O, aka Nalukenge?

Hanni: Who is Sharon O aka Nalukenge? Never heard of her.

BBr: She lives with  you.

Hanni: Describe her a bit.

BB: Hot. Nice legs. Wears a red jumpsuit with sharp pointy things on the shoulders.

Hanni: Oh. I thought that was like a mannequin that was part of the decoration.

Lucklay: I think Bhoke puked on her this morning.

BB: I wanted to ask her to bring a bucket to the diary room, so she can get some camera time. Oh. I forgot that I don’t use personal pronouns. I mean, Big  Brother wanted to ask her to bring a bucket to the diary room.

 

In walks Vina. Vina’s eyes are so far apart that if she tries to look sideways she can see what is behind her.

BBr: Vina, have you seen Nalukenge?

Vina: With these eyes? Of course. These mutant eyeballs of mine see everything. I even know what Big Brother looks like. By the way, Big Brother. I was watching you shower this morning. Now I know why they call you “big” brother. Vina likey.

BB: We shall discuss that further in a private diary session if you know what Big Brother is sayin. Wink wink. But for now, Big Brother really needs a bucket. Bhoke is in the diary room spewing chunks of puke all over the red chair.

Lucklay: She’s been throwing up all over the place every morning since that bastard $%^$&$%!! Left.

BBr: Big Brother will not allow such language in the house. It’s against the rules.

Lucklay: You are shitting me. People curse all the fucking time in this house.

BB: Yeah, but you were cursing in lunaAngola or whatever country you are from. It’s got to be English or nothing.

Lucklay: Okay. She has been throwing up all over the place since that slimy bloodstreaked mucusoid discharge from a pulsing-while-simultaneously-leaking genital sore borne of a mutated strain of syphilis left the house.

Confidence: Eh. Hate Wasake Much?

Slowly it begins to dawn on Big Brother what has happened. Wasake left the house, but not all of him left the house. Coming up in Nine Months, Big Brother: The Next Generations starring the kid currently gestating in Bhoke’s belly. Stay tuned to DSTV.

 

Heh.

 

 

Big Brother Amplified: Sharon, Let’s Do This

This week, Sharon O is not up for eviction. Eviction is when Big Brother goes to the room you’ve called home for a few weeks, picks up your multi-colored hair piece, the packs of rubbers you carried but never got to use, the inflatable doll you actually used, the lotion too, your hanky, your pliers, the ketchup you want to take back home, throws in a house ladle as a souvenir and then says “Ernest, you have 30 seconds to leave the house”. You’ve used 30 seconds to do lots of things before.  So you leave. In the event that you do not leave in 30 seconds, two burly men and one muscular woman walk in and deliver 3 rapid kicks to your groin area. As you groan, they pick you up and drag you outside, where there are no cameras. They then strap you to a chair and stick a headset onto your….duh, head. Then, they play soldier boy. On repeat. Slow. Agonizing. Death. Naturally all housemates know this so they all dash out in the allotted 30 seconds.

Soulja Boy Telling em

I kill you. Yes, you

So, Sharon O is our last representative in the house, the other one was voted out because he said bad things about big brother’s side job. Ernie, we all recognize BB’s deep baritone in all those Mexican soaps, but none of us talks about it mehn. Hard luck. But this piece is for Sharon. Tips for her. By some futuristic telepathy technology that we at ULK have in our possession, she will get these tips. Tips Sharon. Tips are unlike that game you used to play when you were in diapers. That was tipu. Young lady, the economy needs that money. Our hope is in your soft palms. Tip One (and the only tip covered here):

talk(tôk)

–verb (used without object)

  1. to communicate or exchange ideas, information, etc., by speaking

Sharon, you could say:

In Uganda, when the rain rains and there is still sunshine, we say a leopard is giving birth

Vina, me I like your hair. It reminds me of Mr. T. Eh, that guy he was so badass him also him (clap hands once, put one hand on right cheek). He acted in those films of John Rembo.

 

Vina and Mr T

Spot the odd one out. Vina and the Tea man

When I grow up, I will be charity organization. I will be charity to anyone who wants it. Especially street people.

Or for a more sophisticated look:

(Interrupting discussion on foreign aid) I strongly feel the whole aid thing is sham. An ingenious method devised to not only put and maintain spineless tads in power while sucking nations dry but also lodge a dependence mentality among entire generations.

  1. to consult or confer: Talk with your adviser.

Vina, how do you keep your hair standing on end like that? Do you take steroids? (Reaching out to touch the hair) how do you do it?

  1. to spread a rumor or tell a confidence; gossip.

Pssst, do you know Vimbai tried to use her hands on me? But I remember my lessons from school. I avoid bad touches.

 

Avoid  Bad Touches

Do it

 

 

Big Brother Amplified: The Cockroach Dance

So, this Big Brother thing which we spoke about the other day: What’s up with that? Is it still there or did guys get bored and go home. Well, the answer to that question is yes.

As in yes, it’s still there. The horde of housemates, numbering around 50 or a bit less  (You will find this post a bit sketchy on actual details) have been inside the building and our TVs for close to a week now trying to be entertaining. We have collected some observations of the bastards and their dumbass activities.

Big Brother Amplified is brought to you by DSTV Africa and is sponsored by Coca Cola. Use a Condom.

Alex And Millicent kissed banange. Swipe-clap.

 

After a number of these are empty

During an boozy game of Never Never Dare the Truth or whatever that game is called (I have never been a teenage girl. I don’t know these things) Millicent from Nairobi and Alex who, unless I am mistaken, is from a child-soldier rehabilitation centre in Sierra Leone, performed a french kiss whichlasted around 4 hours (I am not sure. I dozed off and when I woke up they were done.) This excited viewers of the show. I don’t know why. Millicent is still not pregnant, so it was a waste of time.

 

Karen, who, according to my notes is a 27-year-old policewoman back in her native Jos, called a house meeting to apologise for calling Confidence a bitch and then asking her to fuck off. She said she was sorry “if I offended anybody and I love you guys.” So from now on, when she wants the bitch to fuck off she will  use code.

 

 

Now, you want to know about the tooth-stripping right? We will come to that. First: Salmon Nalukenge (currently using the stage name Sharon O), has been very quiet. Some have said that she seems shy. She doesn’t talk much. She’s so silent.

I don’t see how that becomes a problem. We heard her accent on Sunday. Let her shut the hell up.

 

Now, the tooth-stripping.

The housemates were given a task. Because they cannot be made to do any constructive work, Big Brother makes them do “tasks”. “Tasks” means dumb things like biting each other’s clothes off.

So he announced that everyone was going to be stripped naked. At this point the West Africans who came in through the SA airport thought, “Again?”

The catch was that another housemate had to remove his or her friend’s vallo using his/her teeth. I think the use of  his/her has confused things. But you get it.

The details are unimportant. The whole thing was disappointing because we did  not get to see a slowmotion closeup of Salmon Nalukenge’s jangu-jangus. If you want to see those, I guess, you have to just wait until Obsessions eventually become so broke that they give up and say, the hell with it, let’s just become strippers. Then the show will be on four nights a week at Jjajja Mike’s Kimansulo and Karaoke, Najjanankumbi. 5k (Though if it happens under the regime of incoming president Besigye, that will be 45K).

 

Don't look

Finally, There was a cockroach contest. For real. There was a jar of cockroaches right? And in this jar there were cards, right? And the housemates had to pick the cards.

Confidence from Accra was the winner of this competition.

Never ever ever go to Accra. You can’t go to places where people win at cockroach games.

 

Not pictured, roaches

 

You are probably wondering why we have not mentioned Was, aka Ernest Wasake, aka Wiz Khalifa. Well, it’s because we don’t need to make fun of him. He makes fun of himself. He spoke about the Ugandans he is purportedly representing recently, saying his Ugandan peers are “Shallow and envious” of him, and remarking that he has worked with Gaetano and Hannington, and that they are both “nothing.”

Oooow…kay…. Um. Moving on…

 

Big Brother Africa Eats His Victims

Yesterday, the first of May, something astounding happened. Big Brother Africa the Sixth Version code named “Amplified” was a real plot and not completely and utterly ignored by everybody who pays attention to these things. When I saw facebook and twitter light up with updates on the topic, I quickly rehashed my earlier stance on the matter. Only a foolish man will never change his mind. I now believe that Big Brother Amplified is initially exciting to people. Here are some canny and relevant observations on the events as they unfolded.

 

The first housemate to arrive was a woman called Vumba from Zimbabwe. She said a number of words to showhost Eek that amounted to “I’m awesome and I think so.” Either you admire such self-confidence or you are repelled by such barefaced smugness. I was not sure which stance to adopt but the conundrum was quickly pushed aside by the arrival of a Ugandan housemate.

 

This is most of Was' face on a normal day

Ernest Wasake, who I know personally by the nickname Was, a former Vision Voice presenter and a close personal friend (though if he acts up in the house I will deny him outright and even come to this post to thoroughly delete the aforementioned words) walked in.

Was is a dandy. Was is a poser. Was is one of those people who like the kataalaa. Africa is going to hate Was so much that unless the other housemates are as full of bampaane as him, he might win.

Was is like a Ugandan Lady Gaga. I am saying all this in support of Was.

It was observed that his suit was a poor fit. I can explain that. The man has grown a bit since Sosh, but his suit from that day just stayed the same size.

 

Other housemates followed. The Botswana chick issued a statement to her fans. Well, they must manufacture a lot of that green stuff in Botswana. We didn’t even get your name and you already think we are your fans?

Botswana

A man named Michael from a country I didn’t get walked up. He spoke in an accent so he not only looked, but also sounded like an American homeless person. He might be from Liberia or Sierra Leone. I hear those countries were made for the American homeless.

 

Vina Longpet, which sounds deliciously like a marital aid device, was the first housemate to respond intelligently to Eek’s question: “What is your strategy?” Vina Longpet (Heh heh. Long Pet. I swear I am going to copyright this name now and start manufacturing dildos) revealed that she had no strategy. True. You don’t need a strategy to sit. Inside a house. That is locked.

 

I was watching at a Multichoice-sponsored event at the Sheraton with our MC being the lovely and furiously elegant, the collosally entertaining, the stupendously intelligent Rachel K, who at this point not only revealed that there is going to be another housemate, but also told us her name. I love Rachel K. I urge Ugandans to stop these riots because we cannot afford to have any harm come to this precious flower.

 

But before the surprise ruined by Rachel K (and, let’s not lie, ruined by us, too. ULK ran a story about this second housemate last week, right?) we had a Kenyan named Nick. Nick revealed that his pet peeve was hygiene. I am not sure how that works, given that showering is an integral part of the show. He also revealed that was here to have coitus with somebody. Not in those words of course, but I would urge all housemates not to drop the soap.

 

After South Africa’s first openly gay housemate was introduced, we saw the Ugandan. It was, as we had so bravely snitched, Sharon Salmon Obsessions. She has nice legs. And they came with her. She spoke to Eek, telling him that her favourite housemate of all time was someone named Goitrainer Caugh-Goer. That fake accent made her legs temporarily less hot.

 

Kimberly from Zambia came on to inspire Africa to enquire whether people with eyes that far apart can actually see behind their heads.

 

Another South African chick came on and gave a speech about how awesome the “Strong Black African Man” is. Yes, we are the master race. Heil You. She was followed, probably not immediately, by a Tanzanian girl who described herself as Super super fun. I didn’t get her name. I’m just going to call her Rebecca Black.

 

Lil Kim apparently has a Nigerian passport, cos how else would she have made it on stage next?

 

We then had a gentleman from Malawi who appeared dressed in a checkered shirt, with suspenders and those large glasses, in short, dressed like those teenagers you see lounging around Garden City on weekend nights. He said he hates people who cannot take a joke. Which made sense because he was currently wearing one.

 

These are your BBA Housemates who as you read are probably on your TV being entertaining.

 

 

Big Brother is Obsessed

Sleek here:

News that has been brought to our desk by our askari suggests that the Big Brother housemate from the dusty pearl is Sharon of Obsessions. Or formerly Obsessed Sharon, if you will. This is exciting on so many levels. So ekzaiting, as my Kenyan buddy would say. Here’s why:

Sharon can sing. We heard her voice in ‘Nod yo head’, ‘Mwekuume’ and all those other songs that the acting-cum-singing crew, Obsessions, churned out. Now we get to put down our cups of bongo and watch free shows. Thanks Big Brother.

An analysis of the songs this soon-to-be house-hold name has been in reveals that she has known for a long time ago that she would get this part. She did the 2Pac thing of dropping hints in her songs, telling us what is going to happen. Let’s finally listen to what she was telling us all this time:

Mwekuume: In this song, she strongly urges girls to save themselves. She was hinting, telling us that she was saving herself for BigBrother (BB). Telling us that we should not judge her by the crappy songs she was participating in, but to wait, since she was saving herself. Albeit a small hint, it wasn’t lost on our investigative team. The team also insisted that I add the fact that the ladies were nude in this video.

Jangu: Taking on a slightly more direct approach, here she urges BB to come. Jangu. Come. Translated, the playful song now tells BB, “Come and I take you to where they shake waists from.”(sic). We can clearly see that she was turning up the heat on poor BB.

Nod you head: Having moved him away from the madding crowd, Sharon now asks BB to dance. She shows him Ug dance strokes, asking him to nod his head. He allows to dance, to nod, his head glistening in the tropical sunlight with each up and down movement. Our investigative team saw all this go down.

Up and Down, featuring Nutty Boi: This is her latest song. She takes on a new personality now; ferocious, gritty, gyangster. Now sure she is a favourite for the BB shot, she now sings a tribute to BB’s dance strokes. Reminding him of his head movements. And also, very cleverly using that beautiful thing called double entendre, she slips in the fact that she’ll turn the BBA house up and down. (sic). After this, the team says it was hard not to give her the visa to Madiba’s land.

 

Sharon of Obsessions

Sharon, the cute one, and her buddies

Baz inna di dance: I have a slightly different opinion on this issue than Sleek’s. I also hope that Affande Kyalimpa’s rumour that Sharon Salmon Obsession is going to the Big Brother house is true. However, I disagree on one point. And I add two more.

a) The chick can’t sing. At all. Not even a little bit. In fact, her lack of singing is so bad that it is registered in scientific labs as anti-singing. It is a phenomenon recorded in negatives on the scales that measure music. She finds notes that don’t even exist when she sings. She is a virus that destroys autotune software.

b) The chick can’t act. At all. I have seen her on stage. It’s not pretty. The stage floor of national theatre looks up at Sharon Salmon Obsessions and says, “That was kind of wooden, babe.”

c) The chick looks hot as hell when she gets her make up on and has her little skimpy outfits out and starts wriggling her little ass. Connoisiours of such call that a knuckle-biter

 

 

Salmon without makeup

These three aspects lead us to place her in the category of entertainers who are only good when there is no volume, so she can be brought to Big Brother to not sing, not act, and occasionally dress in something skimpy and wiggle aforementioned little ass. Oh Uganda, may God Uphold Thee.

 

And after a makeover