Category Archives: Sports

The Urban Legend Sports Quiz

A sportsperson

 

 

You think you know sports? You don’t? You think you don’t know sports? Well, even better then—the more ignorant you are the better your chances of scoring high in this, The Urban Legend Sports Quiz. Get all the answers right and you win a free all-expenses paid trip to Maui and an autographed copy of Beyonce’s new CD.

(Note, that is Maui Niteclub in Kyenjojo and a copy of the new single from Masaka singer Beyonce Namugga)

Which United Kingdom football club has won the Barclays Premier League the most number of times in the past ten years?

a)      Arsenal. Lol!
b)      The one which scored the most goals
c)       Guinea Bissau. Wapi. Losers. Hah!

What the hell is David Beckham?

a)      The Spice Husband
b)      Underwear model
c)       The gayest heterosexual in the northern hemisphere

Lebron, Kobe, Carmelo, Dirk. Are there any NBA stars with normal names?

a)      Yeah. Michael Jordan
b)      You forgot Chauncey, Anfernee and Shaquille
c)       But those guys have huge hands, and many of them are given to sexual harassment. Don’t walk past them if you are a chick with a nice bum that you don’t want grabbed, because they train all day to clasp big round things.

 

Rugby Cranes are the Ugandan national rugby team, and they recently had a game against another African nation.  This was attended by several patriotic Ugandan fans. Why was this?

a)      Sports patriots are suspect. Some of them just go to ogle the guys
b)      Sports patriots are suspect. Some of them just go to ogle the babes who ogle the guys
c)       Sports patriots are suspect. Some of them just go to play rugby to ogle the babes who go to ogle the guys.

 

Lewis Hamilton was the first black Formula One racer to

a)    Win a Formula One race

b)    Win a Formula One Championship

c)    Win access to the panties of a Formula One groupie chick of a different ethnicity

 

Which of the following is not officially recongnised as a sport, but should be due to its being awesome?

a)      Ninja Warrior on Sony Max. That stuff rocks.

b)      WWE especially when Rey Mysterio Jr is fighting.

c)       Sudoku.

 

Guinea Bisawo Recognise Game

Sleek here. The Uganda cranes are set to beat up visitors from West Africa this weekend. It has been advertised as a soccer match but the Cranes have been planning to soccer it to the visitors for quite a while now. The different soccer pundits here at ULK had this to say:

Enter Ernest, sporting white sneakers and a full tracksuit:

We can safely assume that you are going to support the Uganda Cranes in their upcoming blood-match against the Guinea Bissau team, which doesn’t have a name according to Wikipedia, and therefore shall be referred to herein as The Guinea Bissau Biscuits. We safely assume that you are going to support the Cranes in their upcoming match against the Biscuits because you are a Ugandan, and it’s the law. If Man U played against the Cranes you would still have to support us.

If Rihanna played against the Cranes, however…

Anyway, we shall not call upon Ugandans to support the Cranes because those who are not patriotic have already been teargassed (a bit of political humour there. Heh.) and everyone left knows the drill, so let me address this to the Guinea Bissau readers of ULK. These are the reasons why you losers should support Uganda Cranes.

Reason One. You are dead.

 

Kagoda. You know the name.

Kagoda has been seen in the training camp. If he is goal keeper, you should support the Cranes. It’s going to be something nil. Do you know how many bullets Besigye stopped after this guy got into the game? Exactly.

Reason Two: We Are Unbeatable.

The team has been going through rigorous endurance training, including playing overtime matches against each other in high heels. You can’t win. Support the Cranes. Susan Ochola De Roy, a mainly useless woman who has a lot of money and therefore gets attention from the press, is reportedly impressed by the stamina and agility the Cranes players and she says, well, she says “I have a lot of mouth” and “I love alcohol”

Reason Three: You Might As Well

The word “Bisawo” in many local Ugandan languages means “scrotum”. Whereas the word Cranes in English means a nice-looking bird. Support the Cranes.

Deep end soccer analysis. The stuff that goes well with a beer and Simsim balls. But the analysis does not end here. Enter Streetsider, juggling a ball. A soccer ball.

Reason Four: Tulina skill

These Bisawoans do not stand a chance for various a reason, Reasons be various. For example look at me juggling this ball while I type this post. I am typing in mid juggle, that is a like half a computer key per second. You think that is badass? Guess what, when I went to the Cranes training camp, there was a guy (a) juggling two balls while (b) a random groupie was gurgling two other balls as (c)he finished a zinge of Ug Waragi while (c) doing long division sums out loud back to back.

Oh yeah, and he isn’t even on the team. He is just the guy who cleans the shin guards. You Bisawoans be there.

Reason Five: The Lake is near

We have gotten better at bewitching. Those days we were just novices. We have been to the lake (which lake btw is even bigger than your whole country) doing our distillations. You think this swagger is for nothing? Ever seen a football burst out laughing just before you kick it? Imwe numu zana zana.

Reason Six: We da hardest

For us here in Ug we are hard chaps. Think about it, our president is a gangster, he even raps. Our national beverage is Royal Vodka, we dodge bullets on our way to work, we eat nsenene and worse, hold up there is a picture I need to in-sss-eee-rrt…. there we go!

... and worse

Ok now mess around.

Reason Seven

We have Angella Katatumba, of late this lady has developed this habit of singing national anthems. After she sings it, you Bisawoans will be so star struck by her awesomeness you will just stand there just. She will fizzle your brains my friends. And like her, most Ug chicks are hot. If you want to get with any of them you will have to lose that match. Believe me, it won’t be up to you.

S I unit

Gold medals strike as Kipsiro takes another one of their brothers

The evil runner instigates a sit-down strike

Gold medals at the XIX Commonwealth Games in New Delhi have started a sit-down strike in protest of Moses Kipsiro’s evil plot to move all of them to Uganda as slaves. The strike was triggered by Kipsiro’s second win in the 10,000m men’s final of the Track and Field competition.

One of the medals that preferred anonymity for fear of Kipsiro’s cruelty said that it believed Kipsiro wasn’t working alone. “I’m telling you it’s a network. My 5,000m cousin told me he overheard a phone conversation between Kipsiro and the President of Uganda, can you believe? It goes that high. Mbu the President told him to abduct more of us and take us to some hideout called Pampala or something like that,” it said, close to tears.

A representative of the Medal Union who also preferred anonymity disclosed that they will not resume work unless the Kipsiro matter is taken seriously and handled by the right authorities. “Our first brother was promised a new home in Kenya but then Kipsiro jumped out of nowhere and took him. We complained to the police and they said they’d do something, though we were left wondering why people kept cheering after such a cruel act. Then it happened again. Look, I have it all on tape.”

The representative’s tape showed Kipsiro surging into the lead pack after four laps, keeping behind three Kenyans Daniel Salel, Joseph Birech and Titus Mbishei. The Kenyans tried to catch up but Kipsiro kept his rhythm before striking in the final lap and finishing at 27:57.39.

“I thought Indians were very hospitable but if they can’t control Kipsiro, I swear we’re leaving,” shouted the representative before slamming the door and cursing on his way out.

Kipsiro’s shadow appeals to human rights body

Kipsiro without his shadow at the games in India

After winning the men’s 5,000m gold medal at the Commonwealth Games yesterday, athletics star Moses Kipsiro’s shadow has urged the Uganda Human Rights Commission (UHRC) for protection against his “inhumane speed”. The appeal was first made late last week after apparent futile attempts to talk to the marathon star about the way he always unfairly leaves the shadow at the starting line at every race.

“Since birth, I have never left his side. Now I suddenly mean nothing to him coz he’s famous?” cried the estranged and bitter shadow. “What is he running away from anyway? The first time he took off at shuttle speed, I forgave him coz there was this mad man next to him who held a gun and shot up in the air. He must have been afraid for his life. But it happened again and again and I thought ‘why does he always run away from me whenever there’s danger?’ I beg the human rights commission to please do something.”

The UHRC Chairman Mr. Med Kaggwa, however pointed out that much as there’s considerable plausibility in the shadow’s plea, they are a human rights, and not a shadow rights body. “Just try to run as fast next time,” he told the tearful shadow.

Moses Kipsiro finished ahead of Kenyans Eliud Kipchonge, Mark Kiptoo and Vincent Yator whose shadows hit the club right after the race in celebration of their victory over Kipsiro’s shadow. “We’re getting high tonight. I don’t care what the laws of physics say,” screamed one of the jolly shadows.