Category Archives: Sports

How To Become A Kiprotich

By The Last Airbender Kuzooka Conrad

Good morning class?

*Class stands up!* Good morning Mr. Kanabi!

Now, dear childrens, I want to teach you how to be a Kiprotich.

It has come to our notice that since Uganda celebrated 50 years, we have been able to capture 2 gold medals from the bush war we fought outside countries. This bush war has nothing to do with guns or the Eno Ara Emu but practicing chasing chicken for the visitor who came to your place in the village. Apparently that’s also the origin of Enkoku Nkulu!

Now, if you master how to chase chickens, the government sponsors you and puts you on an aeroplane to go and run alongside other people who have also learned how to chase chickens. Here’s a ten steps runs guide to teach you how to become a Kiprotich.

You don’t need fake gold grills after this!

You don’t need fake gold grills after this!

1. Lie about your age. We all know Kiprotich is not 23, we are not sure if he’s younger than 35 but he claims he’s 23. If you can master lying about you age, then surely you can run 42kms any day, any time. This doesn’t apply to women.

2. Work for Luzira Prisonor any other prison in the country. Do you know of anyone who has escaped from Luzira prison? Do you? No! I don’t think so! Why? Because of Kiprotich. In Luzira prison, if you want to escape, you ask for permission, and they will give it to you on condition you don’t get caught by Kiprotich.

3. Eat ka-little little. Have you heard of the saying carry your own weight? We measured Kiprotich and he’s 35 kilos but again, like he lied about his age, we can’t confirm on this. But if you know how to carry your own weight, then you surely can become a Kiprotich. This again doesn’t apply to Straka and her buddies.

4. Escape from the Kony rebels. Ask Inzikuru, she’ll tell you more on this.

5. Make sure that the UPE school you go to is 42kms away and if you don’t attend it, you get free kiboks everyday. That will teach you how to run!

6. Make sure you are from the cheetah/leopard clan (Ngo) and am not referring to the fumblers from some school with beaten down buildings.

7. Walk to Work. Now, if you used to go for these campaigns and police chased you around with pink water, then you’d have a gold medal or be like Kiprotich. So, for the next one, go and train for that gold medal.

8. Follow closely the above steps I have given you! They are very important.

9. Make sure that when they are giving birth, your wife, girlfriend, side dish, emesse is wearing canvas shoes. This is a secret. I just got it from wikileaks!

10. Go back to the village and look for the night dancer, and ask them to give you their secrets. If you can run faster than or even longer than they can chase you, then you have qualified to become a Kiprotich.

11. The last one is very crucial because this is the key to becoming a Kiprotich. Ensure there’s a toilet at the finishing line. Eat before the race, drink before the race and hold all that in. Now get on your marks, get set, and you will have a gold medal at the end of the race.

Need we say more?

I Hear That Golola Won. Golola Who?

Golola Moses Of Uganda, one of the nation’s most famous joking subjects, in spite of his own denials, had a fight this weekend which, wonder of wonders, he actually won. This was such a shock that we had to go straight to the garage to set up a skype interview.

 

Contrary to popular belief, a joking subject

Not pictured: jock strap 

First of all, welcome back from where losers be.

Thank you. Rachael K sends her greetings. Nti I should tell you to inform Uganda that she didn’t make it into American Idol. As if anyone expected her to.

Now, Golola, we noticed that in this fight you changed tactics from the ones you have used in your previous fights. In your other fights you usually use a tactic called “sucking”, but this time you decided to try something new. Talk to us about that.

Yes, in this fight I decided to change it up a bit just to show that Golola Moses of Uganda has diversity. Usually, I go in the ring and I get my ass beaten like that of a stepchild who has been caught stealing sugar, but I don’t want to keep doing the same thing over and over. So this time I decided to do something new, namely, to put my foot on the opponents body and see what happens.

And it was quite a surprise. We had come to expect that the Golola Moses method was to talk a massive pile of bullshit before the fight and then go in the ring to take a few naps on the floor. So what inspired this new technique?

Well, all people evolve. You cannot expect to stay at the same level. From my previous fights everybody knew that I had already mastered the level of receiving the other guy’s kicks and punches. I was a pro at that. So I had to move to the next level, which was of kicking back.

Mmm. Fight a bit you have learned to, Moses Golola

Mmm. Fight a bit you have learned to, Moses Golola

 

So this was the first time you tried kicking back? I seem to remember you trying to kick Nagy in that other fight…

No, that is a common misconception. I was not trying to kick him. That was ballet. He didn’t even feel pain. I was just caressing his pretty white face.

Now, I didn’t watch the match of course, because, like many Ugandans, I concluded long ago that watching Golola Moses matches is a waste of time. Gary Coleman died: life is short #jcole. When I heard on twitter that you had not lost I was quite surprised. What about you? How did you feel?

I was also very shocked. You know, when I kicked him the first time and he felt pain, I didn’t know what to do. I had never experienced such a thing before. So I remembered the words of my trainer had said to me before the fight.

What did he say?

He said, “Golola why don’t you give up on kickboxing and just go and become a radio presenter at one of those stations which pay for people with the fake accents and no talent to go and flap their big mouths for hours making no sense?”

I have always wondered the same thing myself. Why don’t you go to <<Editor has removed the name of the station because he has relatives who work there>>? They love idiots who pull axa with broken English.

 

An intended pun

An intended pun

 

You wait. I am still telling you. I remembered the words of my trainer, then I remembered the words of my chef, who was speaking to the kaboy who serves me porridge. The chef always says, “More him on” when they are putting my porridge in my basin for breakfast. So I mored the muzungu on.

And it worked?

He tried to retaliate, but as we have established, I am so used to being punched and kicked that his painful blows were just boring me. So I was able to continue beating him up until I won.

So now that you are no longer a colossal disappointment to the republic of Uganda, what is next?

I am going to Kigali to look at Rwandan women.

Everything You Need To Know About Africa Cup Of Nations

Everyone is talking about The Africa Cup of Nations these days, even the people who know nothing about it. If you are in the latter category you will need help in order to continue tying yourself into the kaboozi out of FOMO. So we have provided this guide to help you sound as if you understand.

 

This is the ULK Cheet Sheat. Everything You Need To Know To Act Like You Know about CAF.

 

The Africa Cup of Nations is abbreviated as CAF, not ACF.

ACF is:

  • Activists Change For
  • Africa Corruption Forum
  • Anti-Corruption Forum
  • African Corruption Fans
  • Alpha Cool’s Father

CAF is:

  • Chander and Frasier
  • Chaps And Fries
  • Cretine Avec Fouque
  • and Africa Cup of Nations

 

Some of the major teams:

Nigeria:

Nigeria is a nation where they all talk funny. Their team is called the Super Eagles. The players are human beings, however and not actually eagles because eagles are too hard to train.

Do not make the mistake of referring to the “Super Eagles” as the “Excellent Birds” or you may be insulted loudly in an accent you cannot understand. “You de commot de wottsan a wollogopo? Wetin na? I bego see ma foddo you neva ashawo de fadda de!”

 

A super eagle.  Note the lack of wings and beak

A super eagle. Note the lack of wings and beak

 

 

Sample statement: “The Super Eagles have a strong flank position which is what makes their defense tactics a force to reckon with.”

 

 

South Africa:

Their team is called Bafana Bafana and this is the only time South Africans pronounce the letter A. Otherwise, as viewers of Big Brother and Generations will tell you, they always say Eh.

“Suth Eh-Frika.” “GenerEHshEHns”

South Africa has one of the highest crime rates on the continent and therefore players are advised not to carry their valuables onto the pitch when playing Bafana Bafana, in case one of the Bafana (a Mufana) is a pickpocket.

(Just kidding, law-abiding South Africans. We know you will not pick our pockets. We don’t trust Sipho, but the rest of you are cool.)

A mufana. Note the lack of crime.

A mufana. Note the lack of crime.

Sample statement: “Aggressive midfield strategy is going to be key, but that is Bafana Bafana’s trademark style.”

 

Morocco:

Morocco has a football team. They are called Lions of the Atlas. An atlas is what we call the book you were reading in primary school the last time anyone in your life mentioned Morocco.

 

Popular view of a Moroccan.

Popular view of a Moroccan.

Cape Verde:

This is allegedly a real country mbu. According to Wikipedia, it has a population of half a million people. That is a third of Kampala. This is not a country, it is a district.

 

A Cape. Avad.

A Cape. Avad.

Sample statement: “South Africa will play the runners-up from Group B next Saturday, with Cape Verde facing the winners.”

 

Ghana:

The daughter of the president of Ghana is named Beyonce and she goes windowshopping for men. Here is a sample of the woman. Support Ghana.

 

I swear you need to watch this movie. It's hilarious.

I swear you need to watch this movie. It’s hilarious.

Sample statement: “The tension is palpable.”

 

 

 

Inside Info About Robin Van Persie Of SuperSport

“This is my attempt at becoming a SuperSport Commentator. I know I have it in me, no matter what you think or say (Chuckle).” – Ernest Bazanye impostor.

Arsenal striker Robin Van Persie, also known as Soon-To-Be-Former-Arsenal-Striker Robin Van Persie is in a bar right now as you read this, fondling a warm beer with his left hand because all beer in the UK is served warm, and staring at a TV screen showing The Inbetweeners, a British version of The Hostel.

(We pause here to offer our congratulations to Hope and Gilo, who got kwanjulad over the weekend, and offer our condolences to Patra. As for Jessica, suck it, you conniving bitch.)

 

The hostel cast.

Van Persie is about to lose his job because, according to leading analysts, he jammed to join the team on their Asian games tour, particularly refusing to go to Malaysia. According to a twitter account, the reason he gave was “geen commentaar” which, according to our translator,  is Dutch for “Malaysia can kiss my ass. In fact, why stop there? Malaysia can slobber all over my designer boxers, Malaysia can drench them in drool, Malaysia can eat my shorts. Van Persie don’t give a dizzam.”

... and now i have said it

The full reasons for the foofaraw are not clear as yet, but our panel of expert sports analysts have compiled a list of leading candidates:

  1. The last time he was in Malaysia was nine months ago when he met a nice young lady (who just so happened to be a high-class call girl) and last week she changed her facebook profile picture to that of a newborn baby.
  2. He has watched Shaolin Soccer and is afraid of playing football against Asians.
  3. He has watched movies from Asia. Those DVDs of theirs? He is afraid that if he is in Malaysia when The Dark Knight Rises premiers he will be forced to watch it on camera copy, because he thinks even their cinemas show CCs.

 

Will he then be unemployed? Well, much like my situation when I left Chic magazine in 1999, there are many clubs vying for him, and even his boss Arsene Wenger (aka Soon-To-Be-Former boss Arsene Wenger) called him a “world class player”. Wenger made this statement two seconds after saying  “He is a world class wanker. What? Is this microphone on already? I meant…”

Unofficial reports say that negotiations to keep him at Arsenal were in advanced stages of deciding what item Van Persie can shove up what orifice and how far have not been confirmed or denied.

feel free to not use your imagination

 

Applique to Dear Matthias Kiwanuka of New York Giants.

 

He's going down

Dear Matthias Kiwanuka, star of the American football team New York Giants

How are you and how is America? I am sure it is wonderful. Even though there is Credit Crunch and gangstas shooting n*gg*z.

How is New York? Do you see 50 Cent around around? Please greet him for me. Tell him I downloaded all his albums and that I am his biggest fun.

Don’t forget to explain that in Uganda celebrities don’t have fans, they have funs.

I saw you in the newspapers last week. You were in Sunday Vision. They said that you were one of the highest paid Africans in sports in the whole world with a salary of the equivalent of sh12b. When I read this I had to invoke a saying we have here in your homeland Uganda. The saying goes, “Kale oono kemmukwata ko ta mpona.”

It can be translated by the bible verse “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.”

That is why I am writing to you. I realize that being stuck in America you will have a problem finding someone who can cook for you etooke properly. I don’t know if American girls can even make katunda. You need somebody who will take care of you properly.

Fortunately I am here. I don’t mind coming to America and marrying your NFL salar— I mean, marrying you. It is the least I can do to support my fellow countrymen.  We are even from the same tribe. The only difference is that me I am poor and you are not.

I am a very beautiful woman, by the way. People look at me and they think I am even partially Rwandan, and yet I am from deep in Masaka there. I have a real Ganda bbina. You should see it. It kapapalas very much. I have seen the bubina of people in America. Simanyi Kim Kardashian. Kim Kardashian what. That chick is kabawo compared to real Ugandan beauty. She is a pan. Me I am a watermelon.

By the way, are you really a Giant? You know what I mean. Are you? Even if you are not it is okay. I can come to New York with some leaves that I got from a doctor who works in the lake in Kalangala. No, not on the islands, in the lake inside. You go under the water and you find him. He can make you a real “giant”!

Anyway, Kiwanuka, you just say when you are ready and I come and we get married. For God and My Country

 

Nice Time

Nansikombi Goreytte

How was Golola Moses made? A Fairy Tale

This morning I was out in the yard at the ULK offices, looking into the sky waiting for it to look back, when I was approached by a motley bunch of urchins. Are you Streetsider? They demanded.
I replied in the affirmative.

We have a question, said the leader, a rambunctious ragamuffin like this.
“Is it true that Golola Moses, the African Assassin is actually strong enough to tear pages out of Facebook. And that he uses those pages to light his sigiri?
“Well,” I replied “while he CAN tear pages out of Facebook. He really doesn’t need then to light his sigiri. Since his temper is of the hottest, all he needs is to get mildly angry at a sigiri and it will light itself.”

An Artists Impression of Golola Moses

Is it true that he irons his clothes with the palm of his hand ? Asked another young scamp anxiously.
I mulled over this one, I didn’t know for a fact whether he actually did iron his clothes with the palm of his hand, but I had to admit it made perfect sense.
“What is Golola? Who is Golola?” The urchins clamored. “Where did he come from? Can you tell us?”

Hot Temper: another artists Impression

Seeing as I am a firm believer in not letting the younger generation live in ignorance; I put on most school-teacherly face and proceeded to tell them a bit of the history of the great Golola Moses of Uganda.

The breakdown
On the day he was born, (We failed to verify that he was born at all; but that is how the rumor goes) he immediately jogged home. It was his very first roadwork. On the way home, he happened to sneeze; causing three pythons that lived in the vicinity to die instantly.

As a baby, a cobra bit him. What the cobra didn’t know was that Golola Moses was the sort to bite back. (Golola Moses, as everyone knows, was born with a full set of 32 adult teeth).

As a boy, he was notorious at the neighborhood well. Every-time he looked into the water… the well would wince. To this day if you go to that well it will ask you politely not to mention the name Golola Moses.

In school when they asked him why the Bunyoro Kitara Empire collapsed, he would write Golola Moses and get 100% in the test.
At his first job…

“What is his secret?” interrupted one young rascal whose eyes by now resembled magnifying glasses

“Golola Moses has always been a humble but fearless man. In fact when Fear bumps into him, it quietly walks away or pretends to be playing snake on its phone. This is the reason he has come this far and that is the reason he is now representing Uganda.” I replied gravely. “Also, he believes in himself so completely that should he decide to float, gravity will have no option but to let the guy just fly away.”

“Ah! Golola must win today!” Exclaimed another urchin. This Hungarian can’t manage!
“Don’t be so sure,” I cautioned, “Andras Nagy is no joke. He has kept a low profile but our snoops report that he sweats acid and that his biceps are made out of solid cocaine. When he farts the fart comes out as an actual balloon with the word Stinkmeaner inside.”

What a Stinkmeaner fart smells like.

 

So who will win? he responded.
“Of course we all want Golola to win, and we will all be supporting him through and through tonight whether at Hotel Africana, from our sitting rooms or on our portable radios. But we shall have to wait and see.”

 

Why Uganda Lost: This Time It Had Nothing To Do With Lil Wayne

Here’s another informed soccer analysis from our expert soccer critic who has reviewed many international matches in his mind.

I know Kenyans are now like, “Habari nini habari ya habari habari”, which, for the silly population that still doesn’t know Swahili in 2011, means “Heheheeee Are they still talking? Stupid Ugandans.”

But there’s something you should know about Ugandans. We don’t do anything without a motive. We don’t eat, sleep or even breathe without just cause. And we certainly do not lose fail to win without reason.

 

And this is how we celebrate our losses

I’ll give you 10 solid reasons why we lost failed to win:

 

  • The starving women and children in Africa
  • The war in Libya
  • Obama’s fear of failure to get reelected
  • The sudden death of Steve Jobs
  • The country’s messed up judicial system
  • The continued presence of American troops in Iraq
  • The earthquakes in Asia
  • The oil in western Uganda
  • Eminem and Dr. Dre

All of these reasons are pretty simple and self-explanatory. Kenya, you see how honest we are? We don’t hide behind weird and senseless excuses like “Our players just didn’t have the skill”, sijui “We were under intense pressure”, simanyi “You guys have good players”… I know. I was equally shocked when I heard that last one.

Anywhen, Kenya, forget what you saw on Saturday. Those were not our players. They were just some wicked aliens from outer space who had come to destroy the planet under the guise of a Ugandan football team.

But only Obua noticed. And ULK, of course. Power to the ninjas!

10 other areas where we beat Kenya:

 

  • We have better potholes
  • Our government is more corrupt
  • Our president has stayed on for longer
  • We have more power blackouts
  • We know how to get high and call in sick and pregnant on Monday
  • Our broken English is produced on a larger scale
  • Agnes Nandutu
  • When the police is chasing us, we run faster
  • Our currency makes us bigger spenders. Therefore, we are rich
  • Our watches are imported from international artistes who visit Uganda

Now talk again.

 

Uganda Cranes vs Kenya Chaps. We Go (Us, Not Kenya)

Are you a patriotic Ugandan? No, I don’t mean are you a registered voter, prompt taxpayer and active participant in issues of local government. I mean patriotic as in did you support Sharon O?

That’s all we need from you really. Taxes kitu gani?

We are going to need you and all the gusts of onion-beer-pork breath that can billow out of your fat flabby cheeks this weekend when we, as a nation, take on our foes in a death match at The Namboole Colliseum.

Because we can’t all get onto the pitch, we have selected a team of representatives, using a method that is so efficient, we ought to chuck elections and chose parliamentarians the same way. The Cranes are the best players in the country. Meanwhile the Ugandan parliament is just the best office-sleepers and raise-self-voters in the country.

The Kenyans have also brought theirs: a team known as The Harambee Stars. Harambee is the name of the god of Kenya. The Harambee Stars consists of Kwambox, Madd Traxx, Nazizi, Amani, Binyavanga Wainaina, Eric Wainaina, Wahome Mutahi and Ian Mbugua because these are the only Kenyans we consider competition. Everyone else, turn around and watch us kick your ass.

We intend to defeat the Kenyans both in actual football and in shouting obscene chants from the stadium pews. Those who don’t do obscene chants, we understand. You will find a section reserved for you to shout your non-obscene PC chants. It’s okay. We are one Uganda.

Some of you are not going to be paying any attention at all to this game. You may be watching Nava on Login or you will be fixing your braids or will be at Owino buying books or you will be burgling the homes left empty by those who have gone to the stadium. We understand. Uganda has a huge population and not all of you can fit in Namboole. All we ask is that even in the midst of your diverse activities you remember to say the magic words “We go we go” at least four times during the hours of the match.

And if you are David Obua, keep your shirt where it’s supposed to be.

What

 

The Man-U Dilemma: Why They Keep Beating Their Friends Like That

The following is an expert analysis of the Man-U vs Chelsea match from a leading international soccer critic who has reviewed thousands of matches in his mind. So he’s legit by all standards.

So another big league team lost to Man-U last night. Shame.

I can understand Arsenal’s loss because when they started that match, they weren’t overtly specific about their intentions. So right from the match’s start, we didn’t know for sure if they had come to win or lose. We didn’t even know if they had come to play. They just came in and started kicking the ball.

But Chelsea had come with clear intentions to beat Man-U. I saw it in their eyes.

It was quite stupid because they went into that match knowing so well how Man-U’s selfish players prefer kicking balls into other people’s goal posts instead of theirs. That’s not the kind of team you want to play against and that should have been the first sign to keep Chelsea or Arsenal away from anything to do with Man-U.

They have their own coach, their own stadium, their own supporters and their own goal posts. It’s why I just can’t seem to figure out what took them to Man-U. Are they that greedy that they want to just share other people’s things?

I saw that match starting and from the look of things, Man-U had really done nothing to Chelsea. But there’s a weird way the Chelsea players kept insisting on kicking a ball that had essentially done nothing to them into Man-U’s territory. So in defense, Man-U kicked the ball back over and over and over. But every time they did, Chelsea kicked it back. It’s like they had some inexplicable grudge against Man-U. I strongly believe Man-U won that match in self-defense.

 

Chelsea defends their loss

If the Chelsea players were serious about beating Man-U, first, they shouldn’t have entered the pitch with names like Bosingwa, Mata, Lukaku and Meireles. They should have left those names in the locker room or with the coach before the match started. Such names, if not carefully concealed, always get you beaten.

Secondly, I think the referee was biased. A good referee would at least pull the Chelsea players aside and ask them if everything was okay at home. But the guy clearly didn’t care. You can’t say Man-U won the match just because they had more goals. That was very unprofessional.

And you can’t keep blowing the whistle every time the ball flies off the pitch. It could have seen the loss coming and wanted to stay out of the game.

You know what I think? I think that Man-U players are frustrated because they don’t have real jobs. And you should never try to compete with a frustrated man. He has nothing to lose. He’ll just keep kicking the ball into your goal post with no remorse, whatsoever. So the best thing to do here is for all the loser teams to get together, collect some money here and there and try to find the Man-U players some jobs for basic survival. New Vision and Monitor normally have job pullouts. Start with those.

 

We Love You, Arsenal

Arse, you took a heavy foot up your team. You wanted to lose by only 7 and a half goals but were disappointed by that extra goal. We feel your pain and share your blah blah yada yada and other good things that people say to the dead, even if they don’t really care.

Uncle Gaddy sends his love.