Category Archives: Society

Things that make Uganda, indeed, the pearl of Africa

Oh Ugaaaanda, May God uphol…wait, isn’t there a remix to this club banger? We are tired of sounding like tired Neanderthals. Anyways, Uganda is an awesome state. Look around. Awesomeness. It is deemed the pearl of Africa; a title it has possessed from way back since God was still a kid. It’s like after the competitions of Who Wants To Be The Pearl Of Africa (which were won by Uganda), the sponsors ran bankrupt and migrated back home. No other country has since shown interest in being the pearl of Africa. And here, nice people, are the things that make this sovereign state a pearl of Africa.

 

. The country is peppered with magic that mysteriously make things vanish and disappear in both thick and thin air. Government funds have steadily continued to disappear in the forests. Recently, ivory worth $1billion (1,300kg) has since disappeared from UWA and there are allegations that elephants came and retrieved back their ivory. There are also rumours that girls disappear from boys after downing a few beers and yanking out the boys’ pulp cavity. You will never trace her whereabouts even though you use Google Maps. Uganda!

. It is that time of the year when the country is about to qualify for African Cup of Nations. Because it is a pearl of Africa and such a special nation, the government, together with FUFA, hire the best mathematicians in the country. The players, too, walk in the football pitch with calculators, a ruler, graph papers and a set in their pockets because, you know what, Maths Test!

. After the passing of different bills by parliament, the most relevant bill to date is the UMEME bill. And of course, the bill from Maama Nansikombi’s place after a hefty lunch. Dogs ate other bills.

. Uganda has Fr. Lokodo. Other countries don’t have, duh. We are cool like that.

. Because, in here, the president wears the pants. He wakes up one day and tells his Prime Minister that, “Dude, toss me that seat,” and he calls another dude standing in the corner and gives him the seat. The Prime Minister then walks out and goes to rear ducks.

. Also, the crocodiles, eh.

 

On Desire Luzinda: What the president should do

A few moons ago, Uganda and other neighboring continents were awash with pictures of a naked frame purportedly thought to be belonging to Desire Luzinda. “Desire, who?” The people, after sniffing such good news, fell over themselves trying to grab hold of the pictures before Fr. Lokodo could wake up and snatch their phones. The naked pictures spread like wild fire across the country, jumping from phone to phone like grasshoppers.

However, by the time the pictures filtered through, the president’s social media accounts were rumored to have been hacked. I am sure the smart hacker extended his pudgy hands and hacked his WhatsApp as well and crossed all his blue ticks. That bastard! The president didn’t receive the pictures and was only given lugambo from his bigmouthed aide Tamale Mirundi, who only fed him sketchy information. But this is what the president should do to Desire Luzinda to reward her for her heroic, bold and developmental leap she took.

Send her for peace talks

Desire Luzinda, as witnessed in the undressed pictures, flashed a V-sign which signifies peace. The president, thus, should seize this opportunity and send Desire for peace talks to countries at war, say, in South Sudan where Machar and Kiir are plucking each other’s feathers. Ah, read the newspapers to know why they are fighting.

Naked truth

The president should task Desire Luzinda, because she was naked, to reveal the naked truth about the opposition’s agenda and how they currently go to work after abandoning walking to work. Do they crawl to work?

To clean her up

Because those were dirty pictures, the president should task KCCA and NWSC to clean her up and wash those dirty pictures so that investors can freely come into this country without being afraid of stains.

Use her on his posters

Desire Luzinda is a global icon, isn’t she? Okay, she is not. But still, she is widely known and loved in equal measure especially by the men faction of society that built shrines on her where they privately worshipped her meaty thighs. The president, to avoid falling flat on his back come 2016, he should use her on his posters to garner support. If I was president, I would first lock Janet in the kitchen before slapping those pictures on my posters.

She should cover opposition’s eyes

Desire Luzinda had some decency even when she posed for the Kodak moment (I just wanted to use the phrase ‘Kodak moment’). She covered her nipples with her palms. She is good at covering. Even if your eyes are as big as her butt, you couldn’t see her stiff nipples. So, the president should instead use her to cover the opposition’s eyes so that they lose vision for this country. Yes, especially Besigye’s beady eyes.

 

Nyumirwanyoooo…oh!!

 

 

14 People To Watch In ’14 | Part 02

Master Ragga Gangsta Ivan Lee started the count last week, and I’m here to finish it. Cos they call me The Finisher. The Ender. The Fullstopper. The Period. Wait! Okay, let’s move on.

Aamito Stacie

Frankly, I didn’t know about this girl until I was told this morning that some Ugandan somewhere had won something.

Ninja Aamito

The conversation went something like:

  • Who has won?
  • The Aamito chick.
  • Won what?
  • Africa’s Next Top Model. You didn’t know?
  • Like a singing competition or?
  • No, dwanzie! Modeling stuff.
  • Good for her! Who again??

So yeah, watch out for this one. She just creeps up on competitions and wins things fwaaa.

Sshh

Janet Museveni

Back in 2013, she didn’t go for public HIV testing with her husband like she was supposed to. Cos she was still training. But after she’s done, she will unleash the biggest and grandest of all public HIV testings.

Kale Kayihura

The police chief’s love for teargas blossoms every other month. I heard he proposed to it late last year. Now he plans to introduce it to friends, family and the general public all year long. Although he has been introducing it for a while now. But you know relationships.

Alex Ndawula

Two thousand years ago, Jesus made a promise that He will one day come back. Around the same time, this Capital FM muchacha made the same promise. But even with the advent of stiff competition from other DJs and MCs, we haven’t lost hope that the self-proclaimed baddest badman on radio will make the promised comeback. One day.

Kid Fox

An unexpected guest on the list but still list-worthy mostly cos he represents a big chunk of failed artistes. As a diehard fan, I have, for the longest time, waited for Kid Fox to sprout into, say, Adult Fox but been hurt every year as my hope was crushed. Same as my other best musician Red Banton. From the beginning, I knew Red Banton’s career was doomed to stop. Cos, you know, Red? Traffic lights? I’ve never understood why he didn’t just change names to ‘Green Banton’. But there’s still hope.

 

A changed man

A changed man

Sexual Intercourse

I know we’re supposed to be talking about ‘people’ but judging by the rate at which sex tapes are being released, we can only assume the sex is acting on its own. Especially since the owners of the sex hide it inside the tapes but are somehow always shocked to find that it escaped and talked to reporters.

Unfortunately, this trend is bound to continue unless people start having sex in heavily secured environments like police stations or Besigye’s house.

Tamale Mirundi

He’s probably the most controversial presidential spokesperson in the world, a title he has rightfully earned from the way he bizarrely twists conversations. He’s that dude in school who barged into a conversation about the latest Apple technology with talk about the growth of agriculture in Uganda and how he also likes fruits. He’s that kind of guy. When he’s asked to make sense, he agrees that yes, he knows about Hisense televisions but doesn’t know how to make them.

14 People To Watch in ’14 | Part 01

Taking a cue from one of the dailies, we have gone ahead and assumed that you guys have nothing better to do with your lives than have someone tell you who to look at and for what reason. It’s not you, it’s us. We are pricks that way and you are our unwitting prey. Apologies. But hey, seeing as you made it this far, here are the people that will do something sometime this year….

Juliana

The singer was most recently involved with a guy many claim to be a South African doctor of some sort… We are not comfortable ascertaining of witch persuasion. As we write this, there are photos clogging my ‘whatsapp’ account and getting in the way of my New Year’s messages. Rumour has it that there’s also a sex tape, but my supplier around one of Kisementi’s pavements claims there’s no clear copy yet. We don’t really care for celebrity porn because it just leads to the sprouting of Kardashian-esque tendencies, so we will keep things simple and watch Juliana for her body of work, and not for her body.

This is a studio. Musicians like to come here and make noises. In that regard, it's like a hotel room, except that no one we know has ever been kicked out over not paying for its use.

This is a studio. Musicians like to come here and make noises. In that regard, it’s like a hotel room, except that no one we know has ever been kicked out over not paying for its use.

Mubiru

The former Sports Club Villa manager has accusations of sodomy hanging over his head and was until recently hiding outside our borders. For whatever reason, he chose to come back, was arrested, promptly thrown in to a cell and probed in what may or may not have been the best 36 hours of his life. Word going around is that he was recently dismissed, ending a scenario a member of the public equated to being akin locking the proverbial fox in the henhouse. This puts the public in a compromising position seeing as, when it is passed, the law will require you to identify homosexuals or risk being thrown to jail. If you see him, for your safety, look the other way. That’s “look” not “turn”.

When you place a ball in front of some, they figure they will have a field day...

When you place a ball in front of some, they figure they will have a field day…

Bad Black

Shanita has gone through the kind of crazy transformation over the past couple of years that would have the legendary King of Pop asking her to slow her roll. The reason she makes this list is borne of concern more than anything. When the public first met her she was a rich Chocolate Brown, then she got thrown in the pen, took on a shade of yellow (the uniform, try to keep up) and after her release, assumed the shade of a geisha. We are appealing to the public to watch Bad Black in 2014 because with the way she is going, it is apparent she is going for transparent.

You know it's only a matter of time...

You know it’s only a matter of time…

University Lecturers

Remember what we said about the students being competitive? Well, the lecturers sort of are like that, except that they don’t seem to suffer the same rebuke. Really, you’d think John Q Public would wag a finger as they admonished the lecturer thus, “Shame upon you! A Big Boy!”. But for some reason, we all put aside our grievances with lecturers and sympathise with them. Sure you could see the cobwebs hanging from the punch-lines of regurgitated ‘jokes’, but somehow you suddenly feel for them when they strike.

Judith

We paid her no mind in 2013 and the year ended with nude pics of the (and I really loathe this word) socialite. J-Heard’s our friend and I think in the interest of keeping her privates out of the public, we will do well to pay more attention to her. And in all sincerity, by the time this goes up (the article) (not the other thing) we could very easily be the only people who will not have not seen her. In the words of a soccer manager that decided to turn himself in, “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”.

So, er, this what the internet throws at you when you refine your J H search and add the words, 'with clothes on'….

So, er, this what the internet throws at you when you refine your J H search to include the words, ‘with clothes on’….

University Students NOT from UCU

University students are notoriously competitive. When one lot goes on strike, you can bet your ass, another will follow suit. With the whole sex-tape thing from last year, we can only expect that other institutions of higher learning will want to top what was done. In a big way. We can practically see the next producer ditching his cameo role and participating in some other capacity. They really should bring back English Language lessons, otherwise we will have more hip-hop lingo messing up our vieiwing experience, “Yo! Now drop it like it’s hot, as in…”

The Princess

In case you were wondering, yes, for legal reasons we cannot identify her by name. We will not even drop hints. All will say is, thus far, her leaked pictures are the only ones you will not be embarrassed about being caught with. No, really, if someone walked in on you in the middle of your ‘date with palmella handerson’, you would not fumble to hide the picture and issue an apology. In fact, the closest you will come to contrition will be the following line, “You guy! First switch on your Bluetooth and I hook you up. Anti you don’t have data?”.

To Be Continued…

Grand_Universe_by_ANTIFAN_REAL

The Universe Has Spoken

Every so often, you’ll hear stories of how all the Universe’s forces came together to ensure that somebody ended up exactly where they were needed. You’ll find books written (and no, anything based on the Mustard Seed does not count,) conferences set up and whatever else is needed to feed the ego that comes with knowing The Universe finds you special. Many of us however, are left wondering whether God cares which paths we take or are we just extras in some superstar’s life and it doesn’t matter if we order tea or coffee so long as it comes in a cup. Wonder no more my friend; here, I have come up with 3 ways you can tell The Universe is telling you to do something.

Your job: This is a hard one because sometimes you simply cannot tell whether to quityour job or not. Will your pay go up or should you just go to the private sector (run while you still have legs) and even whether to punch your boss in the face or just pee in his coffee every morning…decisions, decisions.

Sometimes you’re in the wrong sector altogether and have no clue. Say, if you were meant to be a plumber (like I was) then it’ll start out with sinks and toilets regurgitating, getting blocked or even blowing up and flooding your room and only yours. You’ll repair them repeatedly until The Universe just decides “forget it; time to teach this punk a lesson!” Suddenly, you’ll be fixing pipes at your house, the neighbor’s and even your boss’ who might even offer you a job in that sector. Now, at this point you’ll probably be very irritated but I urge you not to hit that wretch with a wrench. Simply think about it for a few moments and then go ahead with it; you might even break a few teeth and voila, you’ll have a job as a prison librarian. It could be even that that constant flooding in your house is some higher power trying to teach you how to walk on water…who knows.

Your social life: An area like this is a little easier to understand simply because we just do not learn. I mean dude, if they pop up only when you have money, they’re not true friends; if she won’t let you take a dump in her toilet, she’s not the one (what, you assume you’ll constantly be going to the neighbor’s when you move in together?) On that note, if your neighbor is constantly doing number-twos in your bathroom, it’s time to move! If that same guy owns a restaurant that every so often gives people, including you, a running stomach, don’t go back again. It’s highly likely his workers have the same fascination with bathrooms and they take it to the kitchen. This might be common-sense, yes, but when chickidee shows up at your doorstep in the tiniest little dress, you’ll forget that she poured acid on the last girl you tried to date (or so I hear; I wouldn’t know how that is.)

hr_After_Earth_poster-2

Yes, After Earth, we’re looking at you!

Yes, The Universe works in forms of common sense as well…it doesn’t always have to be grandiose, as much as it likes to show off. Also, perhaps one last piece of advice: if the movie has terrible ratings on IMDB specifically, and you watch it in the cinema, you’re gonna have a bad time.

Your language: No matter which way you look, there are teenagers all over the place and they always seem to come up with some sort of new baffling slang words that you just cannot understand. Sometimes hearing these kids talk feels like getting a rectal exam (or giving it; believe me, it’s not heaven for the doctors either.) It’s ingrained in some however, to be able to understand and speak all these strange terms without biting their tongues in half and having their brains freeze half-way through a sentence. That in itself could be a sign that you’re meant to work with the youth…or that you are meant to infiltrate them and take them down from the inside; whichever one you choose, I’m cool with it. Then there are those like me who, from childhood, were offended when we were teased for one thing or the other, simply because those assaulting us were doing it with such poor grammar. We cannot read PowerPoint presentations unless certain words are spelt right and we can’t help but correct everyone’s written or spoken grammar including our own.

You sent for me?

You sent for me?

Now, rest assured I have tried to suppress this trait but it will not be under looked! The Grammar Nazis are coming and when they do, The Universe won’t help you a single bit.

After all this, you probably have even less knowledge on the workings of the Cosmos and your place in it than you did at the start but hey, at least you’re not alone…there is, after all, the person who wrote this.

like

The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Facebook “Likes”

Ronald Mayanja has just returned from a rigorous seminar on Facebook stuff and thought (against our better judgement) that he’d share…

“Hello there, I am new on Facebook.”

That seems like an okay status update for a starter… it has a greeting, so it’s polite. It also says you are a newbie, well, not everybody knew that, so it’s elaborate and most importantly it is grammatically correct (we will see why that’s important in a bit). It ticks all the boxes.

But what that statement really says is, “Hello, I am a virgin and I heard of this site, so I thought I’d hook up with some girls… Yes, yes, I am a jerk, but no biggie.” And you see its stuff like that that gets people blocked (in case you’ve been living under some rock, this just means the blocker will not be bothered by the same kind of posts from you anymore. It is also known as Facebook hell). Should you get any likes with such a status update, dude, go out there and buy a lottery ticket, clearly you are in bed with luck.

Be mysterious.

There's a fine line between being a paedophile and....

There’s a fine line between being a paedophile and….

“Be famous, but most importantly be mysterious. It is the stuff that people don’t know about you that makes you more interesting… this has worked for Baz. He stays away from Facebook for a while and then suddenly he says something and all the girls are pregnant for him. See, it is called Facebook but the dude has no picture on his profile… only pictures of dolls and weird looking stuff from hell. Gladly, it builds mystery hence, likes!”— Socrates

Start a page

Start a page and give it the most ridiculous name you can find. If you are not that creative, just listen in to the neighbors’ lugambo and use the entire conversation as a page name. In other words just copy and paste whatever neighbor A told neighbor B’s kid who had gone to watch TV at her house without taking a shower first.

For example… Emma Experience Your Own Shower Hour before showing up here for the BBA Shower Hour Nawe. Be in Class.

Once you are through with the name you can go on to post all kinds of stuff, from misplaced quotes to things that have nothing to do with Emma or his TV squatting tendencies sans personal hygiene.

Be warned though, these will be cartoon Likes, but it’s not a bad start for a person that is not posting pics of Mila’s Kunis.

Hi, you may know me by my other name- Meg Griffin

Hi, you may know me by my other name- Meg Griffin

God speed.

The Summers’ Guidebook: How To Lie That You’ve Been Outside Countries And Get Away With It

For normal people, it’s easy to go outside countries. You just go to the airport, ask where planes going to your destination are parked, get on a plane of your choice, pay the conductor and go.

For Ugandans, however, it’s a whole different sausage. To go outside countries, all they do is change accents and then they become summers*. What they forget is the industry of going outside countries has continuously evolved into something much much bigger than just changing accents.

Ku siteegi

For instance, if you want people to know you visited London without revealing that it was actually London Pub in Kabalagala, simply follow the instructions below:

1. Start by disappearing. Buy a bunch of DVDs, lock yourself in the house for a week and switch off your phone.

2. For some, however, switching off the phone could prove tricky cos you have to call the DVD guy and complain about the Chinese subtitles. So it’s okay. Keep the phone on. But when people call, always make sure there’s a 5-second-delay between their questions and your answers. They should know that your words first have to board a plane before reaching them.

3. Even when you type your messages, the letters should be at least 5cm apart.

4. And whenever you update your Facebook, make sure your location is set to “Outside Countries”.

5. As soon as you come out of hiding, change your accent. Make sure there’s ‘r’ in every word. It doesn’t matter that it’s British. By law. all outside accents have to have an ‘r”.

6. “IT WAS NICE TALKING TO YOU” is wrong. “IRT WARRZ NRRICE TARRRKING TOR YOURRRRR” is correct. For a more comprehensive tutorial, tune in to the nearest Ugandan English radio station.

7. In every conversation you bump into, drop the name of something famous from outside countries. When you walk into a room of people talking about malaria in Nakapiripirit district, tell them about the Eiffel Tower you saw the other day in New York when you flew to London.

8. At this point, you may notice a confused look on their faces that almost borders anger. That’s good. It’s the “Eh mama!” look. It means they’re envious. Pull a chair and show them some pictures of other beautiful places you visited. But make sure they have no watermarks. Google Images tends to do that sometimes.

If you’ve followed instructions above, congratulations! You’re officially a summer. We wish you a pleasant stay in Uganda.

PS: This guidebook also applies to people who have travelled to countries that can just as well be reached by road. Those are not outside countries. They are districts whose funds were swindled before they could be set up.

UgaDic

*Summer

/ˈsəmər/

  • Noun
 A Ugandan who buys an American accent on the black market but forgets the instruction manual.
  • Verb
To do a summer on your friends because for them they are fake and you’re original.
  • Synonyms
Radio presenter – Even TV – Robin Kisti – That other chap on Urban TV – Dudes trying to impress chicks.

A Public Safety Announcement

The police have launched a fantastic new promotion powered by the Ugandan public. In the exciting development, Ugandans will have to perform a number of basic tasks to help the desired police officer win cash prizes.

bad

Bad boys bad boys. Whatchugonna do?

 

GIVE YOUR WALLET A SPACE-LIFT.

At the lower end of the spectrum, the general public will be encouraged to invest in airtime. If you don’t have any, you can choose to either use MTN EXTRA TIME (Now available for pretty Ugandan chicks with zips lining their lips) and you should be sorted. Wait. It is important that you use this airtime within sight of your officer otherwise it all comes down to naught.

This is where it all matters. If the police officer catches you speaking on the phone while you drive, he wins 100,000/-, INSTANTLY. This part of the promotion is a bit one sided, but we anticipate the prospect of it spreading to include pedestrians on the phone as well. It worked for Drink-Walking promo, didn’t it?

BUCKLE UP FOR BROKE

If you cannot afford 100,000/- fear not, there’s still hope. All you have to do is mess about with your seatbelt and get caught. Achieving this is a tad difficult as seat belts are generally built to withstand damage, however, this does not mean the feat can not be achieved with practice.

Between attempting to coax your partner in to violent sex while the seatbelt is still buckled and responding rudely at security checks when asked asinine questions like, “Are we safe? Do you have arms? Who won last night’s game?” prompting the interrogator to abandon reason and attempt to ease you out through your window, we’d choose the latter approach. There’s a kick out of it. When you get caught with a spanking new messed up seatbelt, your officer wins 80,000/- ON THE SPOT!

You can choose to shortcut the process entirely by just sitting in the driver’s sit without a seatbelt, but where’s your sense of adventure?

You have the right to remain silent. Or scream.

You have the right to remain silent. Or scream.

DUI – DRIVING UNDER INSPIRATION

Love to drink, but you worry that will get in the way of you making a difference? Here’s some news that will turn that drunken frown upside down. The next time you go to the ATM to collect your sponsorship package, be sure to pick up an additional 200k. With the new promo, you can drink as much as you want and win!

That’s right, simply make sure you achieve levels of toxicity so high that blowing the breathalyzer will leave it charred and fork over 200k to the Woloks Wearing White and move on to the next bar. The good news is, this part of the promo comes with free accommodation for 12 hours.

Know that dendai you’ve been meaning to give a ‘goodu one’ but haven’t yet because of the ‘where’ variable? Simply ply her with alcohol, put her behind the wheel and wait. When you get caught, scream that this is not fair and say you will spend the night with her. Out of gratitude, she may reward your valor.

Affande she told me to shut up and drive

Affande she told me to shut up and drive

Please note, such gratitude may come with attempts by the alcohol from earlier on attempting to flee the scene of the crime using any exit at its disposal.

Also, your rewarding mechanism may prove faulty….

Also… some may call your initiative rape.

Theft In Uganda | An Introduction To The Mafia

The internets define the mafia as an organized international body of criminals, operating originally in Sicily and now especially in Italy and the US. I’ve therefore come to the conclusion that these internets are made in China.

The original ones that we use here at ULK headquarters define the mafia simply as Ugandans. Why? Because everything we do is designed to groom us into professional thieves. Let me introduce you to the top five Ugandan mafia groups:

 Sacked

Police mafia

According to the police, when someone is jailed for stealing from you, you’re responsible for feeding them daily until their time in jail is served. If I ever steal from you, I like spaghetti and fresh passion fruit juice.

Marriage mafia

According to the constitution, when you’re caught stealing the private parts of another man’s wife, you’re given a hefty fine of only two hundred Uganda shillings.

My wallet right now says I’m entitled to about 2000 married women, give or take.

Government mafia

When money is stolen from the public, government says it’s the same public supposed to pay it back. That there’s no reason to call it ‘public funds’ if it’s going to be paid back by someone other than the public.

Nti mbu that it’s like asking a thief to give you your phone back after they’ve stolen it. It’s disrespectful to the thief.

Social media mafia

This group has perfected the art of stealing people’s updates and passing them off as their own just to look as intelligent and informed. They sneak into your profile at night while you’re sleeping, take every update they can lay their hands on and run out before you hear them and call the police.

Then when you ask them about it in the morning, they say they also just bought them from some vendor in Kamwokya.

Bodaboda mafia

These are the most cunning cos they play with people’s feelings. When taking you to your destination, they never shut up about everything so as to make you feel like they are now family and guilt trip you into letting them keep your balance. Whatever you do, don’t let them win.

Boda

photo_2618_20070728

How To Answer A-Level Exam Questions Like A Ninja

St. Lokodo S.S.S.S.S

Senior Five End Of Term Two Examination

History of Europe

By Mr. Cyrus Odongpit

A-level examination books

Question:

It is the despotic Queen of France, Marie Antoinette, who led to the French Revolution of 1787. Discuss.

Answer:

Okay, first of all, that is your assumption, not mine. You can’t ask me to discuss something you’re not sure I agree or disagree with. If you believe Mariah Carey or whatever led to the French Revolution of simanyi what what, that’s your opinion. Don’t try to make me discuss something you don’t know I believe in. You don’t know me like that. For all I know, you could be setting me up.

If there’s a spy reading this, I want to categorically state that I don’t share this man’s opinion. He came up with these things out of nowhere and now he’s asking me to talk about them against my will.

Sir, if you wanted to discuss something with me you should have at least taken the time to first know me. I am not into those of violence. I take peace over revolutions any day. And I certainly don’t give a damn what happens to the French people. I am a Ugandan from Bukoto here. I have never been to France. I wasn’t even there in 1787.

What you’re looking for is a vampire. They live for hundreds of years and would most definitely give you a detailed account of what happened back then. Don’t tell him I told you this but I believe-we all believe-that Mr. Kalugu from S.3 Chemistry is a vampire. The man teaches when everyone else is sleeping.

If you had taken the time to get to know me, sir, you would have realised that you and I are into different things. While you’re into history, I am into current things of going to the disco, passing time with my friends and sisiring sexy women who are passing by.

Women are very important, so if you said, for example, that “Straka’s buttocks caused the Ugandan load shedding of 2012. Discuss.” I’d agree and discuss until the Master on Duty came here and chased me to go for morning preps. I’d tell you about how her body parts consume a lot of electricity and how her bums may be cut off because of many unpaid bills…important things that would actually help this country move forward. No one wants to know about the French Revolution. It doesn’t even have bums.

Women are a very essential topic, sir, and I’m sure you agree, judging from the number of kids we always hear screaming from your house all the way to the classrooms. Are those all your kids, by the way? Because I don’t think any man can produce an entire police station of babies. But seeing as you’re into things that happened when you were not there, who knows, maybe your wife got them at a discount when she went shopping.

All in all, sir, I don’t think that question is meant for me. I’m not into such things.