Category Archives: Society

Digital-Partner-Beneath-the-lies

Beneath the lies review: Reflections of us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I could watch Flavia Tumusiime in anything. If she was in every program on UBC t.v, that would be my favorite television. If she returned to teen’s club on WBS, that station would stop being a relic in my eyes. If Flavia had starred in a movie about how wet paint dries, it would be the greatest movie ever made. Anyway, this completely rational obsession is what drew me to Urban t.v (a station whose existence is still baffling to me) for the premiere of Beneath the Lies, a show which stars Flavia and other human beings. I review the premiere and try to offer guidance on whether you should watch or find better things to do on a Sunday night.

The episode opens with a break-in at Amaru`s (Cedric Babu) house in the night, a ninja takes out the guards (who to be honest weren’t doing any guarding) and proceeds to steal Amaru`s laptop. Amaru wakes up in time to see the Ninja escape and jumps out of bed. Strangely, he is wearing khaki trousers and black shirt, iam not an expert but I think that makes for very uncomfortable night wear. Jumping out of bed with him is Hellen (played by Hellen Lukoma), yes, apparently whoever was in charge of names couldn’t be bothered find another first name for her. Amaru apparently wasn’t aware of Hellen`s presence in bed with him (Hellen, that is creepy) and fumes at her while he calls Abby (Gaetano) and his lieutenant, Paul (Daniel Omara). They play the security tapes and the ninja, we find out, is Kamali Amaru (Flavia) who is indeed Amaru`s wife. Why Kamali should go to all the trouble of killing guards instead of just walking into what should be her house is beyond me but Amaru asks Abby to make sure he retrieves the laptop.

Meanwhile, we see where Kamali has taken the laptop; it is to Suuna (played by Faisal Seguya but who you know as Rabadaba). This Suuna guy is a wrong character and iam instantly inclined to hate him, he is threatening Kamali because she doesn’t have the right password to access the laptop. The truly terrifying thing is that he is very believable when he is threatening Kamali, great acting by Rabadaba, (who knew!!)

Kamali is not feeling well, this is quite understandable, she had quite the hectic night on top of being threatened and then we are given a flashback of when, I assume, Kamali together with Keitesi (Natasha Sinayobye) were still young and under the care of Patrick “Salvador” Idringi. The camera work and setting of this scene is great, it captures the bleakness and unsettling nature of what is going on. Salvado is into child trafficking and sells the two girls to Suuna and back to the present day, we see keitesi bringing some pain killers for Kamali.

Next scene is a house party, Kamali and Keitesi are making their entrance and Abby immediately takes a liking to Kamali. Chemistry is definitely in the air between Abby and Kamali although a bit too much in the case of Kamali who I am assuming is being forced into prostitution against her will but hey, Gaetano happens to be a suave dude. They retire to the bedroom and in a blink and you miss it scene, they are done with the “bedroom activities”. Hopefully, everyone got their money`s worth. However, this had been a trap, Abby and Paul already knew Kamali and Keitesi were thieves but Abby still went ahead and got himself some stuff (what a douche!!)

Fast forward to the morning and after what was a night of vigorous interrogations, Kamali tells them where the laptop was and Paul after realizing his boss`s questionable behavior i.e. sleeping with a suspect directly calls Amaru to pick his laptop. We get a scene of Amaru interrogating his wife and threatening to shoot her…somehow I don’t believe him probably because Rabadaba is much more convincing in threatening physical violence than Cedric. Iam intrigued by what happened between Amaru and his wife though and I look forward to finding out.

When the laptop is given to Amaru, it has been wiped clean and then he goes into some speech about being a hunter, wanting to hunt, blah blah blah and thus ended the episode. Maybe Cedric`s acting will grow on me, it seemed lackluster in the premiere.

Verdict

Overall, an okay start. There is enough mystery and intrigue to tune in again and you will not cringe all the time over the acting. I hope there is more screen time for Hellen, Salvador and Rabadaba plus more romantic scenes between Flavia and Gaetano.

Meanwhile that flashback scene, how come only Flavia and Natasha grew up? Could Salvador and Rabadaba be vampires? Now, there is a twist for you…

BABE

A STORY ABOUT A DUDE WHO COULD NOT SAY HI TO A HOT BABE

 

 

 

 

 

I am at this famous Indian video library on William Street buying bootleg versions of Modern Family after such a long, hard and hectic day. I am testing it in the DVD player to make sure it is not something else when this blindingly hot chic, i repeat, blindingly hot chic enters and all the bu-video boys rush to tend to her needs( God!! in that moment, i wish i was one of them!!).

But as a sensible adult male, i maintain a cool detachment, give her one more glance and go back to testing my DVDs.

My mind however has not received the cool detachment memo, it tells me, “You freaking coward, get over there, say something cool and ask for her number, this is an exquisite vessel for the birth of your progeny. Do not let the male race down!!”

Me: Okay okay, relax I know what I am doing. I am descendant of Adam who has, through millennia of evolution has developed the tactics to approach a woman and blow her away with my “game”.

Mind: That’s what you keep telling yourself, I have not seen you blow away any lady lately, in fact the only blowing I know of is as you pass gas whenever a hot chic approaches.

Me: hey, that was just one time, let it go!!!

Mind: We will not argue about your competence or lack thereof regarding matters of the fairer sex, let us get back to the task at hand. Go and talk to blindingly hot chic.

Me: I am pondering about employing the blitzkrieg or undercover maneuvers of approach. What do you think?

Mind: what are you jabbering on about?

Me: Are you even my mind? Aren`t you automatically supposed to know what I mean, anyway what I mean is that, should I just walk over and ambush her with my awesomeness or should I pose like these video boys?

Mind: How about you just go, if you can move your feet that is…

Me: I do not appreciate your sarcasm. Okay, I am now going in.

Mind: I don’t see you moving and are you employing the sweating maneuver? Because your armpits are leaking faster that a torpedoed submarine. Tell me, do you intend to overwhelm her with your kavubuka?

Me: Shut up, and let me do my thing.

As I approach her, I cannot choose what to say, hi? hey? Hello? ki? whats up? Excuse me?

And while i ponder endlessly about the right choice of words she’s gone and now consigned to the shadows of my memory.

Mind: *sigh* your mother isn’t getting any grand kids, is she?

facebookblocked

WE NEED THESE MINISTRIES TOO. ASAP!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Minister for blocking out social media.

Since blocking social media channels is now a thing, we also need a minister to preside over this important matter. We don’t want to buy our weekly bundles and then, just like that, you hear social media blocked. We work hard for the money to buy MBs so they can’t just go to waste like that. Also, the minister should sensitize the nation about VPNs. What are these things? Where do we find them? Why do the people who use them think they are geniuses? Will you be charged with treason if found in possession of one? These are critical questions requiring a knowledgeable response from a minister.

Ministry of Traffic Jam.

It’s about time we realize traffic jams as a crucial constituency within this country. Everyone has been in that traffic jam where they say ayayayaya…kika!!. The kind where the taxi driver gets out of the taxi and goes to eat some katogo at a kafunda while the conductor yawns in the taxi. The ideal minister should be a taxi driver and a conductor to be a minister of state. They could introduce popular measures to reduce the stress and burden of traffic jams. For example, how about hiring Sheebah to sing during the jams, she can roll around on the cars while singing nkwaatako and then it rains, so she gets soaked  and you can see….wait, where was I?  Yes, entertainment during traffic jams.

Minister for youth unemployment.

This thing of youth unemployment is everywhere yet it is not represented at the highest levels of government. We need a minister to develop policy and strategy for the unemployed youth to engage in unemployment activities. What are unemployment activities, you ask? Ask Al Hajji Nadduli, I feel he would have the right answer for you.

Ministry for Besigye detention and prosecution.

This is surely overdue, the resources and effort required to keep Besigye in check should be consolidated and a ministry created for efficiency. It is a critical effort and therefore should be given the effort it deserves. These ministerial duties should include but not limited to the following, checking when Besigye wakes up, checking whether he brushes his teeth in the morning, finding out whether he prefers tea or porridge for the breakfast, how does he maintain that long distance relationship with Winnie? critically examining how many times he goes to the toilet (if it is more than five times, that would be weird). A report of these and other activities must be compiled and examined daily.

Presidential adviser on Stella Nyanzi affairs.

You never know what Stella Nyanzi is going to do or post on her Facebook page so it is imperative that the president is kept aware of Stella`s affairs. One day it could cause a rebellion in this country and the president wouldn’t even know.

Minister for Ludo Affairs. 

You know, just for just.

rolex

INTERVIEW WITH THE 15K ROLEX, WHAT MAKES IT SO SPECIAL?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Recently CNN did a piece on the number one economic activity for the Basoga as well as the staple food for campusers, bachelors, bachelorettes, corporates, born-again, musicians, Eddy Kenzo (he sings or he thinks he does but I refuse to call him a musician), broke people, anyway all Ugandans because we might sleep here. Then lo and behold we got a rolex that was priced more than chips and chicken. We had to search out this rare specimen and ask it why a sane Ugandan would forego ten rolexes (fifteen, if you are a good bargainer) for the price of one.

Me: Tell us, ridiculously priced rolex (RPR), are the eggs used in your making golden or is the flour sprinkled with diamonds?

RPR: That goose that laid the golden eggs was killed and don’t be silly, you don’t eat diamonds, you wear them.

Me: So then, the chef that made you must have been the original musoga, he then went to rolex school where he graduated with a first class degree in chopping tomatoes, onions and green pepper. For his masters, he learnt the delicate art of mixing all those ingredients in a cup and indeed he graduated summa cum laude from whence he pursued a PHD in….

RPR: DUDE!!! slow your roll. Chef guy was called Ruhweza and his relation to a musoga is that they all emerged from the Bantu ethnic group. Also, he was expelled from primary school for peeping at the Headmaster`s wife when she was bathing during evening prep.

Me: Which means that the knife used in your making was forged in the depths of Mount Doom. The sigiri from which you were fried was designed by Leonardo Da Vinci and thereafter handcrafted by Michelangelo. It was then carefully preserved over the centuries and eventually handed over to your chef who then brought you to delicious life.

RPR: Mount Doom doesn’t exist, and for you to mention the word sigiri in the same sentence as Da Vinci and Michelangelo is outrageous blasphemy. You should be prosecuted for treason in the Ugandan courts of law.

Me: Does that mean therefore that the fire with which you were fried descended from the heavens?

RPR: No, the fire was generated by a matchbox, made by Mukwano industries Uganda limited.

Me: The oil used must have been for the purpose of anointing but was then borrowed to aid in your making.

RPR: No, we used BIDCO cooking oil.

Me: So what makes you worth 15k?

RPR: We are moving to a middle income country and my price must also reflect this steady progress.

Henry-Kajura (1)

KADAGA TALKS TO THE ANCESTORS: WHAT REALLY WENT DOWN.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rebecca Kadaga (aka Becky with the wig hair) caused outrage in the country by going to “thank” her ancestors in Busoga for winning the speakership. She says she was just promoting tourism but that excuse is not just lame, it requires life support to even be considered an excuse. I however think that the speaker should be given a break, after all, no one is out there stoning Maama Fiina and she makes her living giving “ancestral blessings” which is a highly profitable business by the look of things. In order to convince Ugandans that their speaker is not a witch doctor, I have obtained a transcript of the conversation between her and the ancestors which should clear the air.

Ancestor 1: Becky, thanks for coming to appreciate our efforts. There are those people who never come back after getting what they want or they sneak in here in the night and wake us up when we are dreaming. I hate those people.

Ancestor 2: Speaking of people who never come back, have any of our branches received a one Bukenya Gilbert? Former mahogany now burnt charcoal.

Intern ancestor checks on visitor logs and finds no record of a visit by Bukenya.

Ancestor 2: Let’s keep that fellow confused until he learns some manners. Intern, go reduce his reasoning capacity further.

Intern: But it is at zero, no one takes him seriously anymore.

Ancestor 2: okay, we shall convene a meeting to discuss the next steps. Sorry Becky, we are not paying enough attention. Intern, go prepare some lemon juice for our girl.

Ancestor 1: Eh, but Becky those ancestors of Omoro were not easy, they had refused to accept defeat. Can you believe they even awakened Gipir and Nyabongo and we all know those two never really got along.

Ancestor 2: If it wasn’t for the intervention of Kintu, stuff had jam. That ka-Gipir guy came waving his spear and we had all scattered. But Kintu came in and put him in his proper place, told him to stop being too greedy or he would face the music. He was like mbu trying to refuse again and Kintu just pulled out a 600 mm caliber RPG-7V2, reloadable launcher.

Ancestor 1: We all know you cannot bring a spear to an RPG fight. Hahaha, you should have seen the look on Gipir`s face.

Intern: It was like some expendables shit!!

Ancestor 2: So you are watching movies instead of the work we give you. Be careful, I will not give you a recommendation letter when your internship ends.

Intern: There isn’t any work anymore. Everyone prays to Jesus nowadays and they get what they want. You don’t even have to pay anything. Your business model is very obsolete.

Ancestor 2: What do you know? You just died a few years ago, for us we have been dead for centuries and know much more than you do.

Ancestor 1: You guys, where has Becky gone? Don’t tell she has already left!!

Ancestor 2: Kale, I wanted to talk to her about Besigye. He looks like he could use our services.

Intern: Me, I want to get saved.

Ancestor  2: GET THE F*** OUT OF HERE!!!

Eddy-Kenzo-funny (1)

WHY MUSEVENI SHOULD CHOOSE EDDY KENZO AS MINISTER OF EDUCATION AND OTHER SUGGESTIONS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some people are about to be fired from their ministerial posts as the president ushers in a new and unprecedented era of steady progress. As concerned citizens, we are forwarding a list of potential nominees to the president as he ponders who to give stones and who to send back to the village.

Minister of Housing: Bebe Cool/ Moses SSali

Mr Ssali will bring his vast experience in building a house to the cabinet. Sources say the president has been impressed by Ssali`s attention to detail and desire for perfection which has seen him take a century to construct a house. Apparently he thinks he is constructing a pyramid. Bebe Cool`s perfection is such that he put a hold on construction so that he could import sand from the sahara desert  after refusing to use sand from lake Victoria. Mbu, he couldn’t use sand from a lake where Bobi wine has a beach. This is the kind of determination that the president is going to require from his ministers as Uganda makes the leap to middle income status within 5 years

Minister of Education: Eddy Kenzo

Surely this appointment makes the most sense, if Kenzo is not willing to acquaint himself with knowledge of basic math, being a minister of education should at least give him some knowledge through being mentioned in the same sentence with the word education. Just don’t expect him to account for the ministry expenditure.

Minister of internal affairs: Maama Fiina

Renown traditional/witch doctor is a busy body. She is a such a fixture on Bukedde news that a maama Fiina desk should be created at New Vision. She is renting a house for an ex-kifeesi  gang member in bwaise today, tomorrow she is intervening in a domestic quarrels for people in Kabulasoke, the other day she is battling spirits that have gone rogue in Mukono (as they always do in mukono). Her services to this nation should be rewarded by a ministerial post, In fact, having a government car and a police escort will enable her go faster to the places where she is needed.

Minister of Ethics: Father Lokodo or Franklin Emuobor

This is a tough one, these are both epically useless fellows and Emuobor having called out Father Lokodo on his blatant lies should give him some marks. But as a patriotic Ugandan, I second Father Lokodo to bounce back so he can continue to be useless as before. Father Lokodo must have invented the phrase barking dogs do not bite. The last thing he must have bitten so hard was the last Eucharist as he left fatherhood in order to measure the length of skirts and scrutinize nude pictures.

Minister of Defence: Jon Snow

Jon Snow is out of a job after being knifed (literally) in Game of Thrones. And if you can fight the white walkers (not to be confused with the walkers of the walking dead, white walkers are much cooler), you can crush opposition protests while eating a rolex with two chapatis and four eggs as well green pepper.

Minister of Finance: Sudhir Ruparelia

We joke way too much here at ULK but this appointment should be considered seriously. I mean this dude can really throw a party, imagine the parties he can throw if he is in charge of the treasury, that way, we can really enjoy the taxes we pay and the residents of Bwaise won’t even mind canoeing to work daily.

gameofthrones23

GAME OF THRONES IS BACK

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The one true serie is back this Sunday. It’s been a long eight or so months where we have had to suffer through nonsense like Super girl and don’t get me started on Heroes reborn or X-files, some things should just stay buried. Let’s catchup with where we left the citizens of Westeros as they seek to sit on a throne which might cause tetanus if you do not sit on it properly or attempt to sit on it in the state of Nyanzi (naked).

Jon Snow.

Is he dead or not? The question to end all questions. Do not ask whether we are alone in this universe or the origin of life. Is Jon Snow dead or not? This is the defining question of our time, one that has perplexed presidents, scientists, philosophers and led to many tortured, sleepless nights. There are those who hope that he is still alive but all the trailers say he is dead, conclusively so and we all know how dark the hearts of those game of thrones creators are. So abandon all hope, it will save you a few tears when you learn that he actually is dead. Probably.

The greatest question of our time.

The greatest question of our time.

Tyrion Lannister.

We left Tyrion in Meeren where he had been appointed Special adviser to the Khaleesi. That didn’t last long however, the queen of dragons was ironically carried into captivity by her own dragon. So Tyrion is set to be care taker king which should be fun but we all know Game of Thrones doesn’t do fun unless you consider stabbing pregnant women in the belly uproarious. In this case, Tyrion should face a defiance campaign waged by the Sons of the Harpy and according to the trailer, apparently they have bombs. Tyrion maybe full of quips and glorious sarcasm but don’t mess with him either, his father can testify to that. Meanwhile that episode should appear on one thousand ways to die.

Daenerys Targaryen/ The khaleesi.

The khaleesi unfortunately did not read the manual on how to train your dragon or even watch the movie. The consequence being that, she is now in the hands of the Dothraki whose king she killed way back in season one before we knew she possessed equal amounts of crazy and ass-kicking. How does she get herself out of that pickle? I have several ideas but all include the Dothraki being fried like chicken.

shit!! this isnt good

shit!! this isn’t good

Queen Cersei.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. If any woman (or man for that matter) needs a few pointers on how to wage revenge, then Game of Thrones season 6 will give you the perfect lessons. After enduring the walk of shame to end all walks of shame, some heads are going to roll…literally. And since her brother/lover/rapist/kingslayer returned with one of their incestuous spawn dead, expect blood to follow. As Jaime explains to his sister/lover/cersei fierce/withering looks distributor, “we are the only ones who matter and everything they have taken from us, we are going to take back and more”. Let no man be on the wrong side of the Lannisters this season. Whether in the serie or watching from home, it won’t be pretty for either.

Go slow if you want your head still attached to your body

Go slow if you want your head still attached to your body

Sansa Stark.

Aaahh, the Starks. Like the biblical Israelites who were scattered across all corners of the earth, or in this case, the seven kingdoms. Sansa Stark was last seen jumping off a castle with a neutered Reek. I certainly hope that the jump put some sense into her; Sansa makes you think that she is on a different show, something like the Teletubbies where everyone sings nursery school rhymes and goes to sleep holding their teddy bears. She should start playing the game very soon or she is dead meat. This is the season where she either becomes a serious player or we say adieu.

Dead meat

Dead meat

The Night king.

We are going to see more of this icy dude which is definitely not good news for the citizens of Westeros. He can raise the dead, not the Christian resurrection, the Walking Dead resurrection but even faster. Whatever he has planned, it is definitely nasty but until then, you all know nothing.

Bringing the winter

Bringing the winter

dude

THE STELLA NYANZI SAGA, A FULL ANALYSIS.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some of us have been hearing about Stella Nyanzi and her Facebook posts as some background noise, sort of like Bebe Cool. However on Monday, she moved out of the back ground and onto our WhatsApp, twitter, Instagram, Facebook feeds. If you had started Monday with a hangover, her video was the remedy. Seriously, she should copyright that video because it can serve a number of purposes. Off the top of my head, it could act as an effective alarm message, once you have seen it, all dreams will evaporate. Or government could use it to crush the opposition defiance campaign, because seeing it will leave you with a feeling of deflation (wink wink).

is that the Stella Nyanzi video?

is that the Stella Nyanzi video?

But I digress, Dr Stella Nyanzi, yes; she is a doctor but not the kind of doctor who will ask you to drop your pants for an injection. Although come to think of it, she would make a great actual doctor, I mean, wouldn’t you want a doctor who was willing to do anything to get you better. Sure, she could recommend brain surgery for a cold or chop off your arm when you get a minor cut but deep down you know, she is doing it for your well-being and not because she is insane. Also, isn`t it easier to drop your pants if you have seen your doctor drop hers?..No?..okay, just a thought.

I dare you to show me that video again!!

I dare you to show me that video again!!

Eh wait, where was i?  Yes, what could drive an apparently sane woman to strip naked in broad daylight? Unless you went to UCU, the answer is simple, Professor Mahmood Mamdani. This dude is responsible for pushing a widely respected and dignified woman into an act of desperation that, for her children`s sake, should be buried deep in the vaults of Facebook servers. Or is he? I mean, for someone who is meant to impart knowledge to eager young minds in the lecture rooms, she sure spends a lot of time on Facebook having petty arguments with Fatboy. She could have been just really bored. When does she ever actually teach although I assume she gets an A+ in sex education.

Stella, happy after getting an A+ in sex ed class

Stella, happy after getting an A+ in sex ed class

So who should we blame for this kavuyo? Dr Stella Nyanzi or Professor Mahmood Mamdani? The answer is…gavumenti. Stella Nyanzi resorted to stripping because the government has failed in its duties to the citizenry. The government has failed to construct roads, build hospitals, free Besigye, colonise mars, legalise weed, and bring Jesus back to earth so it is easy to understand why Stella had to undress.

Also, she was quaking losing her job.

besigye_5

BESIGYE`S LIST OF DEFIANCE ACTIVITIES LEAKS.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kale Kayihura finally allowed Besigye to breath, sort of. He had been suffocating in the vast expanse of his kasangati home watching Wonder Woman battle Doomsday while Batman played hide and seek (seriously dude, man up…Batman, not Besigye). Besigye, however is now free to roam the country except in Kampala or any  town center for that matter or be anywhere where two or more people could gather to hear him speak or head to prayers…the exceptions list is still developing. Here at ULK we have landed on a list of defiance activities that show the police are in fact right in trying to stop Besigye from, you know, being.

Buying Gonja.

Exclusive information reaching our news desk indicates that Besigye will seek to cause severe Gonja shortage in Kasangati and the country at large. Having been kept indoors without access to gonja has unleashed his monster appetite which he will seek to satisfy by invading all the known gonja selling places. Besigye moles have already been placed in critical gonja selling areas like Namawojjolo and have been seen buying ridiculously huge amounts of this delicacy (you know yourselves). There is however a sinister motive behind this move as a gonja shortage is likely to cause kampala residents to rise up in defiance because, let’s face it, there are only two kinds people in this world, those who like gonja and monsters.

Endangered species

Endangered species

Watch Captain America Civil War.

On May 1, Besigye will not be found in Kasangati. He will be heading to a cinema to see the defiant Captain dish it out with the authority (Iron Man). If you are wondering who Besigye will be supporting in this showdown, welcome to planet earth from whichever galaxy you had been marooned on. Classified intelligence indicates that the colonel will seek to identify guerilla tactics employed by the captain as well as also ogle Scarlet Johansson. It will be imperative for police to stop such a venture because, one, definitely the government doesn’t want him to learn tactics from guy who beat the Nazis by basically swinging a metal plate around and secondly, with his eyes, there will be nothing left for the rest of us to ogle when Besigye is done.

Eh!!, this guy is not for jokes.

Eh!!, dude means business

Change weather pattern to winter.

Have you noticed how all of a sudden it`s raining after the 40 day siege ended? If you haven’t, we have not noticed on your behalf. Data gathered from various fictitious weather stations and maama fiina indicates that rain had been on a defiance campaign until Kifefe`s release. To demonstrate further these previously unknown powers, Besigye will bring winter to these shores. Although the date for this act could not be readily established, it is predicted that this will happen around the same time pigs will start flying as well. So if you are crushing pork ribs and one of them flies out of your mouth, winter is coming.

Our investigation shows these activities could cause severe paralysis and be a catastrophe to this nation therefore a robust police response will be required if such activities are to be stopped.

Things that make Uganda, indeed, the pearl of Africa

Oh Ugaaaanda, May God uphol…wait, isn’t there a remix to this club banger? We are tired of sounding like tired Neanderthals. Anyways, Uganda is an awesome state. Look around. Awesomeness. It is deemed the pearl of Africa; a title it has possessed from way back since God was still a kid. It’s like after the competitions of Who Wants To Be The Pearl Of Africa (which were won by Uganda), the sponsors ran bankrupt and migrated back home. No other country has since shown interest in being the pearl of Africa. And here, nice people, are the things that make this sovereign state a pearl of Africa.

 

. The country is peppered with magic that mysteriously make things vanish and disappear in both thick and thin air. Government funds have steadily continued to disappear in the forests. Recently, ivory worth $1billion (1,300kg) has since disappeared from UWA and there are allegations that elephants came and retrieved back their ivory. There are also rumours that girls disappear from boys after downing a few beers and yanking out the boys’ pulp cavity. You will never trace her whereabouts even though you use Google Maps. Uganda!

. It is that time of the year when the country is about to qualify for African Cup of Nations. Because it is a pearl of Africa and such a special nation, the government, together with FUFA, hire the best mathematicians in the country. The players, too, walk in the football pitch with calculators, a ruler, graph papers and a set in their pockets because, you know what, Maths Test!

. After the passing of different bills by parliament, the most relevant bill to date is the UMEME bill. And of course, the bill from Maama Nansikombi’s place after a hefty lunch. Dogs ate other bills.

. Uganda has Fr. Lokodo. Other countries don’t have, duh. We are cool like that.

. Because, in here, the president wears the pants. He wakes up one day and tells his Prime Minister that, “Dude, toss me that seat,” and he calls another dude standing in the corner and gives him the seat. The Prime Minister then walks out and goes to rear ducks.

. Also, the crocodiles, eh.