Category Archives: TV Shows

Exclusive Interview With Sharon O Nalukenge from Big Brother Amplified

You are used to me doing real interviews these days. For example, the other day I interviewed Enygma. Then I interviewed Daniel Omara aka Odoch Jasper aka star of The Hostel aka rumoured boyfriend of four or five different women in Kampala and surrounding areas. I am about to unleash for you yet another interview, this one with … eh. I can’t say. There might be people in the matooke plantation listening ready to jack my swagger. You go twelve steps into the plantation and you will find How To

That was a cryptic barb. It was meant for them, not you, my dearly beloved reader. You, DBR, just be there, make yourself comfy. I’m bringing nice interview soon any time.

 

 

I was saying… I usually do real interviews, but this time I will not be able to. I’ve been conscripted to interview Sharon O Nalukenge, currently serving her country in Big Brother Amplified Bikozebitya, but there are two reasons why no one has scored an interview with her yet.

  1. She is locked up in a house in South Africa (duh!) with no access to the outside world, so she would  not hear my questions and…
  2. She doesn’t talk, so I would not hear her answers.

Aate I was poised to give you a very powerful and moving interview, one which would expose the inner Sharon even better than the little skirts she wore during Obsessions performances. One that will show you the Sharon behind the make up, and I don’t mean questions like “turn around please”. I was going to get psychologically probing questions that delve deep into the psyche and unearth the secrets of her soul, reveal the mysteries of her mind. But then there are two reasons why I stopped trying.

  1. Why the hell would you care what is in Sharon’s soul, psyche and mind? Are you that bored?
  2. I don’t think there is anything in her mind.

But I have to run an interview of some sort. That’s what it says in the headline. So what I have decided to do is ask questions to somebody else.

Q: Sharon, you have a very distinct way of speaking. It is very unique. Very rare. What does it sound like? Since you are not here, I am going to pass that question over to Paul in the corner. Paul, what does Sharon O sound like?

A: I don’t know. Who is that?

Q: Sharon, a lot of us remember your earliest speech, the one you made upon your entry to the Big Brother House. You said to Eek, and by the way, fuck that guy—I hate him so much—that you were a fan of “Gary Turner Carroway Goowear”.  So I guess what I would like to know now is this: if you were to answer the phone right now, would you be like, “Hi, I’m stellrrrrrrr?”

Since Sharon cannot answer we turn back to Paul, who is the only person in the office right now. Paul?

A: Seriously, who the hell is Sharon O?

Q: Thank you. Now, Sharon, you have survived nomination quite a number of times. Some people have suggested that it’s your strategy in the game. Whenever you are nominated, there is somebody who is more disagreeable to the viewers than you, and that is how you survive. Do you think it is this “low key” persona that is responsible for your success so far, and do you think this is a good lesson to give to the kids in Uganda? That boring people can help you succeed? Sharon, is this the message you want to send to the girl child?

A: I’ve googled Sharon O on my Ideos and I’ve come up with the following answers: Sharon O’Hara, Sharon O’Dowd, Sharon Osbourne… Which one is it?

Q: That was Paul. Thank you Paul, you can now go back to unplugging the toilets. The interview is over.

A: There were stubs from Somali marijuana cigarettes that were causing the blockage. You should not try to flush them down the toilet.

Q: YOU BASTARD! I do NOT hire a PLUMBER to tell me what and what not to do with my TOILET! I’m going to count to three. If you are still here when I open my eyes, then I swear whatever gods you worship have mercy on your head because my foot will move so fast…

 

Project Fame: The Return Of Ng’ang’a.

Tusker All-Stars started this Sunday with singers from previous series of Project Fame back to the stage to sing, attempt to sing, or fail to sing depending on whether or not it is Ng’ang’alito.

 

Results of Ng'ang'a

 

It makes you think about the amount of abuse the word “Star” has taken. Banange. Even Ng’ang’a? This man is so bad to music that if he is a star, he is the death star.

For those of you just joining us, this is the Death Star.

Or he is a star in the sense of “chocolate starfish” (If you are saved, or below the age of 18, don’t hit the second link)

 

In the current season, the competitors are Hemedi, Patricia, Caroline, Msechu previous winners Alpha and Davis, and the the bane of cochleas everywhere, this Ng’ang’a piece of shit.

 

Hemedi, who, in addition to some kilos, has also gained the capacity to sing, so the show did not begin with me throwing shoes at the 31-inch LG Flatron TV I only recently purchased and cannot afford to destroy so soon. I don’t remember the song he sang, but I did notice, how could I not, that he came onto the stage holding a little lady umbrella.

 

This time the show has no judges. Instead we have a pair of animated Kenyans who host Gaetano cuts to after every performance, called “the superfans”. They make remarks about the performances. One of them, speaking of the Umbrella, cheered, “It’s called Swagger!!” with exclamation marks.

 

It’s also called “gay”, but that’s no longer important. The pre-host, Eve, who speaks to the contestants before sending them to Gaetano on stage, was introducing Patricia.

She has become very evil-looking lately, and by lately, “lately” meaning since she left the Tusker make-up person’s chair. Hair done like a Disney witch, black eyeshadow, she can’t help the teeth, of course, but the whole thing made me think that after the show she was going out to kidnap dalmatians.

 

Carolina. Eh Carolina. Amaalo tegakugwanga mu? I loved this chick so much the first time, with her mooling. Chick was so local. She is more Kalolayina than Carolina.

 

Eve cooed a bit about Kalolayina’s outfit. When she decided to mention Kalo’s famous swivelly dance moves, she said, “Can we, and by ‘we’ I mean all the men, handle it?”

 

I cancelled out that part of my notes. Make it “He decided to metion Kalo’s famous etc”

 

Kalo rocked the stage. I swear, she is so deliciously local. It’s like watching an URTNA video. But it just makes her more adorable. It’s sassy, even though it is the 1970s version of sassy.

 

It became apparent what the Superfans’ job was: Instead of the judges’ criticism, we have a pair of bobbleheads who will pretend your umbrellas are swagger and coo with delight no matter who you are or what you do. It’s unnerving, especially when the next person up was…

 

…Ng’ang’a. The man responsible for blocked septic tanks all over East Africa. Yes, it was on the agenda at the joint conference of EA Water & Sewerage Corps the other year. When Ng’ang’a sings, the volume of puke introduced into urban sewage systems spikes dramatically and in less-developed areas this leads to blockage. I can even give you the link. Here.

 

Eve introducing Ng’ang’a, this is what he had to say. “No one was prepared for the amount of talent Ng’ang’alito was about to display.”

Heh. Eve, I see what you did there. Eve is one sarcastic dude.

 

So Ng’ang’a came on and sucked, I emptied my supper into a bucket, and somewhere in the US, John Legend sent a text to his lawyer with instructions on who inherits his estate, downed a bottle of tablets and then slit his own throat.

 

Who is Amelina? I swear I don’t remember Amelina.

 

Bar Ng’ang’a, the most local chaps were giving the best performances. Msechu sweated gallons, but he rocked the stage. Alpha, as we know, Alpha and English, bambi, but he came on to sing that Eric Wainaina song. You know the one. That one. Gaetano tried to introduce it but us Baganda boys some things are beyond us. Me I call it Gwe Twaleri. Davis arrived dressed like those bu-little dolls you find paddling little metal bikes on the ends of sticks. Davis is like Ng’ang’a but without the sucking-so-much-at-singing part. I mean, he dances, he jumps, he showboats, but he’s also good, so it’s fun.

 

Eve and his co-host Gaetano got together at the end to tell us that they wanted us to vote, and the Superfans began to gibber and gobble like a pair of turkeys. And then I came here to type this.

 

 

The Hostel: Featuring X-Men characters

The Hostel is determinedly set in a universe where all men are dogs.  Even without Gilo and Angelo attempting to rape peeps, someone on screen at New Age has to be a barking, heinous, filthy, damned male-ass piece of shit. Twino is making eyes at either Patra or Patra’s friend (his eyes are wobbly. I couldn’t see who the target was). Alma is a whoremonger. Makie is molesting my Annete.  Even Brother John is being an ass, trying to get all yoked with unbelievers because they wear short dresses.

 

But bambi Odoch? Come on, at least let Odoch represent for the good guys, scriptwriters, come on.

 

In the beginning he was a class act—rough-cut, but a class act. He didn’t comb his hair, he liked malwa, he spoke perfect English in a home accent—in short, he was the hero we all want our sons to be. Well, those of us who have our perspectives right. So when he ended up with Kitty, we applauded and increased the tithe we pay at our respective churches in appreciation.

Ah. And then we stood up and nodded in approval when he snarled at Patra in the go-reddest of tones, “I am faithful to my kitty-kat.” And though I didn’t fully comprehend how he did it, I guess there was something admirable in the act the day Kitty sat on him and he opted to turn down all that sex she was offering on the grounds, he said, that they should take it slow, due to “I respect you.”

I don’t get how you don’t sleep with people you respect, but hey, it sounded like something Hugh Grant would do, so I guess it’s in some way impressive.

But now this?

Last night, pedal hit the metal, full out dog mode, he turned into a rapper. It was as if the scriptwriters had been leading us on. “Men? They deceive you that they are not evil scum by acting like halfway decent human beings for a while but you wait. They turn around and seduce local heiffers the moment your back is turned. I will demonstrate using this script. Watch.”

So Odoch, wild hair radiating hornily off his head, said to Bridget, “Let’s bone today.” And since the actor who plays Bridget is not a good enough to let her character emote the word No, she acquiesced. And that was when Kitty caught them.

In flagrante delicto.

We are not seeing signs of the X-Men movie coming to cinemas any time soon, but at least we had this scene. Kitty called down thunder like Storm. She cut a wire like Wolverine. Bridget flew into the closet when Kitty took off her earrings and if you really know X-Men, then you know Kitty Pride, right? You don’t hide from Kitty Pride in closets.

Shadowcat, aka Kitty Pryde, is an X-Men character who walks through walls, noobs.

I believe that in the deleted scene, Kitty found Bridget, tore out her throat, and made her swallow it, then tore it out again and strangled Odoch with it.

It was clearly a You Go Girl scene, but Hostel, seriously. Can we have at least ONE decent male character? Eh?

 

Coming Up (Heh) In The Hostel

This is why we call The Hostel a groundbreaking television show. Because things happen in it that you would never have seen happening on Ugandan TV before. One of the grounds that was broken was the steamy love scene last night when Hot Sister Hope took matters into her own hands (and mouth) by leaning over to the surprised Brother John to kiss him on the lips.

Now, Brother John is a slow guy. In fact, I was watching the show in a dirty house which is infested with slugs and snails.  One of the snails, the one which had asthma, and which was lazy, and which was carrying heavy bags, uphill, looked at Brother John on the screen and said, “Naye, I’m slow, but that guy is slow!”

 

What Brother John is not.

 

 

 

He needed to have his mouth attacked by Hope before he finally understood that they are supposed to be a romantic on-screen couple.

 

The camera cut to credits before we could see what happened next. I assume that the coy little kiss awoke raging passions that had been burning within them and they lost all control to the power of LOVE, ripped each others clothes right off, Hope finding superhumanly that she could actually tear leather jackets into several pieces, and then loud, sweaty, riotous,  reggeaton sex ensued between the two and it was so potent that it left not one, but both of them pregnant.

 

Tune in at seven thirty tonight to find out what happened.

 

Me I’ll be back on Monday to update this little recap.

 

Previously On The Hostel

We don’t know, but we believe that Besigye will be back by seven thirty this evening. If he doesn’t stop along the way for a snack, then he will be in time for this week’s stretch of The Hostel. Just to prepare him, and to prepare you, because we care about the common man, not just the political elite, we have hammered out (heh) a quick recapitulation of the major plot points.

Hope Vs Brother John

 

Things are really starting to happen up here. The sexy, scorching hot and did I mention sexy saved chick with the limited acting range (if you don’t agree that she is hot and sexy, check this out. If you don’t agree about the acting range…) has been the female corner of a very shaky love square. Gilo wants some, and Sleazy Brother Angelo wants some, but we are rooting for Brother John, the wet, limp, goofy idiot who, when cornered into telling the truth about why he was always finding excuses to visit Hope’s room, instead of admitting that he was creepy-stalking Hope, thought it was a good idea to lie and say he was creepy-stalking Patra instead.Yeah. Nice move, Brother John.But all things work for the good of those that love the Lord, and Hope finally cluck. Thanks to the angelic Annete and her big mouth. Now Hope and Brother John are closer than ever to that love scene which our intelligence swears is written somewhere in the script.
Odoch Vs Kitty Vs Arach

Odoch is the Fresh Prince of this show. Now he has two women fighting for him. Kitty swore to her gods that she will destroy Arach, that she will flood the halls of the Hostel with the blood of Arach, that woe unto Arach for the wrath of Kitty has no equal. Woe unto all that dare cross Kitty.Kitty’s awesome.Arach, you see, had for some reason carried a drunk Odoch to his bed and then blacked out on top of him. An amusing Three Stooges routine was played for us, involving Arach locked in the closet and Kitty giving her opinion on Arach’s legs. You missed. But tune in tonight to see.

Patra vs Odoch
As you know, Patra crossed Odoch and he declared war on her. Something to do with a necklace. And his attempt to sexually assault her in the first episode. So far Odoch is winning this war. He is a shrewd man, that one. Shrewd and rutheless and sneaky. Right now Patra thinks he told her dad (a certain veteran actor whos name I should know but don’t because he’s doing a dismal job. Hell, even Hope’s performance is better than his) that she is juggling two men. The gormless Alma and the Member of Parliament for Douchebags, Mr Gilo.Patra walked in to make peace. “This war sucks,” she said.Odoch replied, “No. It sucks for you.”
I wonder when Opposition will agree to have talks with Government. And who will say Odoch’s line.
This is just some of what has been happening. To find out what follows, tune in today and we see if:

  • Brother John and Brother Angelo have a bad-ass kung-fu fight in the hostel, choreographed by the Captain Alex guy.
  • Annete gets a love interest. Who is not Sobba.
  • Bianca’s dead body is found. I think she’s dead.
  • The storyline about Twine and his girl Jackie and their new friend becomes interesting.
  • Kitty wears something skimpy.