Category Archives: TV Shows

Who Or What Is An LK For?

prince-akeem-300x176

 

Who Or What Is LK 4?

Not who you think. You thought he was just some miscellaneous nigga there who saw the chance at free room and board in a luxury resort in outside countries for three months during which all he had to do was try to copulate with African women and drink heavily? But wait, my friend. There is more to LK4 than his three balls.

He has three testicles?

No, that is just a fancy way of saying somebody is a sports player. We say they have three balls. Lugudde has two testicles and one basketball. Or at least we assume there are two testicles. We DMd Zari to ask but she isn’t responding

 

ULKampala  @Zarithebosslady Hey Zari, hi. How many testes does LK4 have? #justasking

 

So what else is there to him, besides the nutsack?

It was revealed just before he left the Big Brother House, that Ivan Lugudde Katwe is actually a royal, a prince.

You mean like Akeem?

Worse, because he is, it is reported, second in line to the throne.

Mbu Second in line to rule? How come Sejusa never warned us about him?

Maybe it’s not the throne of Uganda per se. Maybe he is second in line to the throne of like a part of  Kisaasi.

Are you sure he wasn’t just drunk and talking shit? You know how these bakopi like getting drunk and talking shit.

Possibly. Because he also mentioned that his mum had 17 cars

But she kind of does. I mean if you assume he forgot to mention the words “former” and “Sugar” in that sentence.

What else was he up to in the Big Brother House?

Well, as we saw in the job description, trying to shag Africans from other countries.

Did he manage?

We understand that there was a South African called Cholesterol who was poised to give him some but then they both got evicted.

What? They dare evict the Prince? His Royal Supreme Highness Lugudde Katwe IV?

You’ve got the “highness” part right. I mean, how much do you have to drink to go on tv and tell the whole of Africa that you are the fucking prince of Uganda?

 

 

 

The Hostel III: The Dark Odoch Rises

 

First of all we would like to welcome everybody back to the Hostel. We are glad you could make it to the new semester and it is our sincere hope that everybody works hard, focuses on success and we hope everybody learns to get along and that we find a way to put aside our differences and learn to live together in … WAPI! We hope that we have more fights, more kavuyo, more bitchy backstabbing and snaking and foxing and all sorts of mayhem. In fact we hope that we see that kung fu guy from Captain Alex making a cameo this season.

Not to be confused with.

In case you still haven’t figured out that the Hostel, Uganda’s greatest freaking TV show ever since CRT and Plasma Screens every saw your eyes and said “watch this” is back.

Some of us have watched the first few episodes on you.

Annete is back:  Last season she was abruptly whisked away. The explanation was flimsy. We thought she had been fired. Well, looks like someone renegotiated her contract.

Twine is not back: That nigga gone. The story is that his character was abducted by hooligans at the behest of Martha, who in that one move, became the evilest heifer in New Edge, beating out both Patra and Jesca in one stroke.

Martha is not back: Which sucks. She was cute. Maybe the Hostel wardrobe department could not afford to keep buying wigs at her rate.

Everybody wears a weave/wig this season: Last night we did a headcount (heh heh. Geddit? Headcount) and found that this was true. Even the extras. They can surely afford to bring Wiggy Smalls back. They have the budget.

Arach is back: And she is now Odoch woman. Not Odoch’s woman. Odoch woman.

Hope is (gasp!) with child!: She is so small, how did a pregnancy fit inside her? But there it is, the mystery of the season. Not as in who the father is or how anyone got sister Hope to give it up, but, well,  the mystery is how you can be in a hostel with people and they fail to notice that your uterus is bulging a whole foot forward all the time and make the obvious conclusion.

McConnor is back: And so is the Mohawk.

Odoch is funny: Heh heh.

Now you are up to speed, let us talk about what we expect to see this season:

 

Violence: Annete has already slapped a guy, but we want more. We hope some kung fu, Muay thai, iron fist shit. Or grenades.

Sex scene: I know the  makers of the show don’t want to be seen to be promoting immoral behavior, but then there is an easy way around this—just claim that you are showing the immoral behavior so that society can be warned of the dangers. That’s what I always do.

Martha’s hair: We are dying to know!

A classroom: Nah. Really, if these kids flunk everything and retake everything it doesn’t even matter.

Last Chance to Post About Big Brother

Big Brother is coming to an end. We don’t want you to be completely green about what is happening so we have compiled an unreliable guide to the events that led to this finale, and a line up of the important figures.

 

The Big Brother Stargame

Modeled on Arkham Asylum, the Big Brother Stargame is all about placing social misfits together under camera surveillance and carrying out psychological experiments on them.

Upville/Downville

The Asylum, also known as the “house” or the “set” is divided into two regions. Upville is for the villains, and Downville is for the hoodlums, who are less intelligent.

Lady Mayday

As you can tell automatically from the name, she is the official designated house stripper.

 

Of coruse it's a ho name. May Lay

 

Talia

Lwaki? Mu ffumbiro temuli mmele? Agende alye.

Janneetttee

The honourable MP for Ruhama has helped galvanise the movement party against the opposition in the house of parliament. We say this because she is more powerful than all other Janets in all other houses.

Pressle

An annoying Kenyan who records weak rap music.  He has survived “eviction” thinking it is because Africa wants him to win. Actually, it is because Kenyans don’t want him to go back.

Kenyans show support for Pressle

 

Shanita

A former prostitute was convicted for fraud and sentenced to four years incarceration after charges brought by her ex-lover.

Kushaba Kairo

A Ugandan chap the way you see Ugandan chaps. At this point I shall quote a statement from our twitter department:

 Big Brother Africa UG representative Kyle, if you want to stay alive, don’t win. People will hug you, shake your hands & give you Ebola.

 

Now that you are up to date, don’t forget to join the rest of Africa on Sunday for the finale of the thrilling Big Brother Africa Stargame which we just described. Thank you.

Tusker Project Fame 5 Recap: Aka Sucker Punch the Musical

The first concert show from Tusker Project Fame season five took place on Sunday with everybody sounding bad. We are going to put this down to what expert music professionals call “acoustics” and not take the easier assumption that it was due to what the rest of us call “sucking”. Because to be frank, we know at least some of these kids have skills.

Nancy came on wearing the chasis from the Iron Man Mach 8 and got her voice’s ass kicked by the acoustics (still being charitable) and Juliana thought it was omg and she loved it. “I think you’re ready,” said the veteran star who has ten years’ experience in performing to adoring fans, churning out hits, winning awards and acclaim (And this is not counting the years before Taata W’abaana).

She looked as if like this. Sweya

Ian was next. We respect Ian. We presume he has some amount of arts cred. He is a stage actor I think. I mean, he has not experienced as much of the limelight, he has not seen as much of the inside of the pop stardom world as Juliana has, but we give him his due respect.

He said, “Lol, wtf! That I hear ready. Ready? Ready my big black Kikuyu donkey in Mathare i.e. my ass. You are not ready. Juliana prolly been burning that nylon weave of hers and sniffing the fumes, I swear. You are not ready!”

Ian. Ian.

Ian.

Anyway…

Doreen, the Purple Diva who got into the house with her spangled up guitar and her India.Arie vibe came on and sang something that was not neosoul. She had no guitar. She was not being Purple Diva. I guess Project Fame wants to make all-rounders, but for those of us who are not interested in seeing India.Arie sing Party In The U.S.A. we passed.

Our Ugandan chick came on. (Or since she is a Ugandan, and Ugandans prefer to spell that word wrong, I should say, our Ugandan “chic”). Her name is Sharon. She tried to sing Chandiru’s Gold Digger. And did not manage. All that jumping around left her breathless and it was all she could do to pant, “I give you  my hurrrrrrrr.” The ka-axa banange. I think she said  “I give you my girders, baybe.”

A chick puts chic makeup on her cheek

Mich asked her, “If you don’t dig for gold, what do you dig for? Har har har.”

Mich was astonishingly stale this week. He was gobsmackingly, flat-bottomed 100kg steel anvil falling from the top of a cliff to land smack onto of your gob stale.

When Hotness sang (Hotness’ name, we discovered now that we were paying attention, is Samantha. She’s the fine one from Burundi.) When Samantha sang her song it had, in its refrain, a word that sounds like “Ndoota”.

“What does it mean?” Mich asked, bounding over to leer and slobber and drool and sleaze his grinny perviness from close range.

“Dream.” She answered. One word just.

“I like it when people sing about me,” Mich said.

Now, that’s the problem right there. You cannot jokingly pretend to be so vain that when you hear a song called “Dream” you assume it is about you when you actually are so vain that we think you actually believe that shit.

I mean, if Msechu had said that it would have been funny. I would have laughed my ass off.

Well, there was a moment of mirth that came out of that moment though, when Ian said this about Samantha: “You are one of the contestants I can see growing.”

Samantha is like four feet tall.

Rotflmao.

Hey, Joseph. Joseph. I mean as in growing cos she’s small she can grow tall. You see? That growing. I can see her growing. Taller. You get now, eh? I can continue? Good.

Excuse Joseph. He gets lost.

Now, I don’t quite remember who went on probation because, as I have said, everybody was sounding funneh (You know the acoustics, banange, these acoustics!) Samantha wasn’t on probation, that’s for sure but.. this just in, Ugandan Sharon is on probation, so if you love your country Uganda, uphold thee it by voting to airtime companies.

I am keeping a special phone until Mich is up on probation then I’m going to vote him out. I will burn the simcard after.

 

On standby. Just wait.

Tusker Project Fame: Hair-raising Recap

Young Africans who have a dream. Young Africans who have the courage to chase that dream. Young Africans who have the strengh to take that first step on the journey to making that dream a reality. Young Africans who have the guts to go out there and give it their best shot.

But some of the Young Africans have no talent. So they go, they suck and we laugh at them and send them back home.

The rest who try kko, we bring to a lavish circle stage in the centre of Nairobi, Kenya to compete in the deathmatch of music that has come to be called Tusker Project Fame.

 

Let the games begin.

The final round started this weekend, after we had sent back the wack wannabes who had been decieved by those they thought were their friends into thinking that auditioning would not be a waste of their time and pride.

“You should audition. You can totally win. You even look like Brandy.”

Chick looked like Brandy but sounded like Brandy’s goat.

Anyway, here we were in Kenya, the best country in the whole of East Africa, to welcome the contestants.

Things started on a low note with MC Mich being the MC. Mich’s approach to humour these days is not to simply say funny and witty things to you. No, it is more aggressive, more in-your-face, more what they call “wacky” when what they mean by wacky is “obnoxious”.

The only respite is in the fact that he likes to show off the fact that he can speak French, so when he is talking to Rwandan contestants you don’t understand what he’s saying so you are not as annoyed.

J'ai des photos nues des gens qui embauchent des MCs

We have contestants from Rwanda and South Sudan as well as the more commonly accepted East African Countries of Kenya, Tz and Uganda. We also have Burundians, which was great news for two reasons.

One reason is that it was just heartwarming to see that people from Burundi actually existed. I mean, I had never actually met a Burundian. I had heard of their country and I had seen it on the map but I had never come across any evidence that it was populated. We all assume that Burundi has people in it, but up until Sunday, that was just an assumption.

The second reason was Hotness. A tiny — what in Lunyaburundi is called petite– chick who is gorgeous.

Uganda was represented as usual, by local people. It’s how we be. The first one we saw ran into the house and squealed, “Oooor Am so heppy! Am in safe hends!”

We thought faking an American accent was local #brianmakensi #rabbinkisti #ladybezo but this was the first time we had seen someone fake a South African one.

The other Ugandan was Brian Luzinda.

Brian Luzinda’s salient characteristic was his hairstyle. It looked like Jonah Lomu and Golola Moses had attempted to headbutt each other and then both missed and hit him instead. He said it was called the Snakey B. Yeah. It is probably called What Happens If The Barber Is Watching Beautiful But Unlucky While Cutting Your Hair And Then Forgets To Refuel The Generator.

For those who need help, this is Jonah Lomu

He sang So Sick by Neyo, not a good choice of song to do badly when there are hundreds of people waiting to tweet snarky comments. Everything from “I’m so sick of this song” to “You so suck at this song” was posted.
He was awful and was sent back to catch a bus.

Some singers were let in automatically. They are now in the Project Fame Academy, which is kind of like the Big Brother house, only with talent and entertainment value instead of drunken dryhumping, and the others had to sing for a chance to join them.

Brian Luzinda was rejected, as was the other ludicrous haircut of the evening, the one from the Tanzanian gentleman who performed in a woman’s excecutive power pantsuit. From the eighties. That he stole from someone half his size.

Murphy Brown’s trousers and double-breasted jacket did not distract us from the hairstyle that would still have looked outlandish if it had been left intact on the hyena it was stolen from.

He went back to Tz to find a Tanzanian who speaks English to explain to him what Judge Ian meant and the rest of us were left to wait for next week, when we expect to see Hotness and Purple Diva do their thing. I have already marked these two as the season’s stars.

But for those of you who think reality TV is about patriotism and nationalism, don’t be discouraged if the Ugandan contestants are local. Remember Nava Grey and Maureen Kabasiita were also kind of villagish when they were in the house. But chicks have skills. That’s what matters.

 

 

 

 

 

 


Big Brother Stargame: Eek! Flash! Kyle! Janette!

 

 

Ivan: Right, the Big Brother Stargame is on. I didn’t catch the launch show, partly because I don’t hold the kind of clout that encourages invitation cards to cross paths with my person, but also because it sort of made more sense to watch a superhero movie that didn’t meander for ages before that ‘anha’ moment. Why is he called Iron Man… oh, I see. Why is he called the Hulk… oh, right.

On the flip side I’d have to keep wincing whenever they’d introduce a star. Lookit, Prezzo! Someone in the crowd would likely nudge their neighbor and ask, “Why do they call him that?” The neighbor would probably look over and say, “Because, dammit, he is some sort of presidential figure.” The gods would have a laugh and Africa would die a little inside.

Uganda would be a little luckier though. If reports are to be believed, our reps have sufficiently basic names. Michael and Natasha. If Michael is sensible, he will steer clear of nicknames. No one here calls him Mickey. Natasha… well, last I heard she was supposed to sashay into the music industry. It would be nice to see whether she can do anything else in there.

 

 

Baz: Alas, it seemed Ivan was wrong. This is what happens when you mix kwete with Black Label. The Ugandan highlight of Big Brother Stargame was Flavia Tumusiime who appeared to those with HD flat screen TVs as a large pink giggling cloud of fabric, make up, hair piece and banter. “Flavia is going to be in the house?” we thought. “Now who is going to watch K-Files? What if Rabbin Kisti takes over K-Files? Rabin Kisti likes taking over people’s shows.”

Then Eek showed up and we learned that Flavia was merely the cohost of the show.

 

Also, she was wearing this very big pink garment that was so full of hip, it made Eek lose his capacity to talk sense. Oh, wait. That’s just Eek bulijjo. You tell him about sense and he replies, “What is sense? Is it a kind of food?”

Ivan:  Hang on, you can’t accuse me of being ill informed. My sources clearly stated that Michael and Natasha were going to be in the Big Brother house. The only time they’ve been wrong was when they claimed that giant clouds shaped like mushrooms were going to come and make the earth their bitch. With the exception of that Nibiru fiasco, everything else has been on point. Almost.

But I’m a reasonable guy, I’m willing to accept the possibility that they meant that Natasha Sinayobye’s next song was going to be called Big Bother.
But focus: Big Brother has launched and they’ve promised us a couple of twists. What do you reckon’s gonna happen?

Baz: The first twist that got me, cos I didn’t expect it at all, was that they would have a Ugandan housemate named Kyle. I never in my whole life of many many years believed that there was such a thing as a Ugandan named Kyle. Maybe Kalyango.

And wait. That kid looks a lot like Duncan Kushaba from Urban TV.

Ivan: Duncan? We have Ugandans called Duncan? It sounds like a preserve of our brothers next door.  Frankly, I was not surprised. I’ve found that Ugandans like to be daring and take on names that are TV friendly. Like say, Karitas or Straka. Really the same letters, just slightly tweaked. What? Am I the only one that noticed?

Baz: Meanwhile the chick, Jannette? She looks just like this chick called Janet.

Ivan: The one twist that’s going to keep me glued to my screen (My PC screen. I don’t have DSTV.  Kale if only the good people responsible would take a hint and share some of that goodness.) is this, Big Brother is IN FACT one of the contestants. Spying on them and laying traps. And then, instead of proper evictions, (s)he will just bump them off like one of those movies… What shall we be voting for? You ask? Beats me, I’m the guy that thinks Karitas and Straka have something in common.

Baz: Big Brother is going to attempt to kill the contestants one by one? Cool. Just like the other housemate chick in the other Big Brother. What was her name? The one who had the wild look in her eyes like she is talking to you but she is also hearing other voices giving her instructions. What was her name? The one who would be seen sneaking into people’s beds at night as if considering which one to stab first? What was her name? Maureen. Yes. Maureen..

 

 

 

 

 

The Return of The Hostel. Watch Dis!

The Horse Tail. In The Ho-o-orse Tail

 

The second season of the greatest television show ever to enter your eyes in Uganda if you don’t count Boston Legal, Boston Public, Greys Anatomy, Friends, HIMYM, Hustle… okay, the greatest locally made television show ever to enter your eyes… if you don’t count Point Blank as an independent TV show, and if you don’t consider Grace Nakimera videos,  well, the second season of a really great television show…

…If you don’t count the moments when it drags, and the parts when the ad libbing is a bit off track…

You know what, the second season of the Hostel is back. Crack cocaine – this thing addicted us last time, and now look, it is back to repeat the offense.

With new ingredients moreover.

Sober, Odoch, Twine, Hope and Annette are joined by two women with remarkable things on their head this season.

There is MacConnor, a Kenyan student who is here to illustrate the need for East African coorperation by symbolizing how the Kenyan education system is so sorely lacking that it’s up to us Ugandans to teach Kenyans how to speak in English.

MacConnor, who is also the Last Airbender, starts her speeches in English but as soon as the director’s back is turned, dives directly into her mother tongue. She spends half her screen time speaking in Kalenjin, which no one in the hostel understands. We hope she is not enrolled in the university to study Communications.

Joining the cast as a full time member is Martha, the Wig Kahuna. Last season she was seen every now and then carrying a large, flamboyant, noisily-coloured and– let’s not mince words–  morally reprehensibte wig in and out of New Age Hostel.

She retired last season’s wig, Or gave it back to the circus clown she had borrowed it from, and is now sporting what would make more sense as part of a carpet.

Wiggy Smalls is now a full time cast member, as both resident of New Edge Hostel and Twine’s girlfriend, petulantly asking for a tub of shit to be dumped over her head in both roles.  You watch and see how long before you want Anette to shank her the way they taught her to do in prison.

The first three episodes have not established much about Odoch Jasper, aka the Alan Shore of this programme, Annete is trying to deal with being an ex con who has to live with The Notorious W.I.G. and her a colossal brattishness, Arach is looking fine like didn’t you know and Sober is just the way you left him, though he has a radio show on XFM now.

That’s the update I have for you. Now, like this post so I can pay my electricity bills.

 

Don’t Take This Personally: This Isn’t About You As A Person, But…

This is not a personal attack. I do not know this person. He might be a very warm person with a very pleasant character. This is not an attack on his character. It’s an attack on his intellect. He may be a kind, generous, warm guy who everyone loves.

But then he’s a kind, generous warm dumbass who everybody loves.

This is not an attack on his character. This is an attack on his intellect because he is collosally stupid. I swear.

Most of the time when we see him on TV, gibbering witlessly away with all the verve and energy and vigour that only the truly stupid can ever muster, we think to ourselves, “What a phenomenally talentless idiot this is. Oh goodness me. If Uganda could convert foolishness into a viable export commodity, this fellow alone would end our balance of payments issues; the way dollar would trade against the shilling then, it would be shops on Wall Street shutting down to strike, not midaala in Kikuubo.”

 

Dumber than Waldo Faldo

 

I mean this guy is a force of nature when it comes to being stupid; he is a tsunami that mixed itself somehow with an earthquake and then mingled the result with a hurricane and threw in an asteroid collision of stupidity for good measure. This guy has value added stupidity.

 

Again, this is not a personal attack. I am sure the people who know him personally can find some positive and even some affable traits in him that make them think, “He is not entirely a waste of biomatter which would have been put to better use ferterlising crops”. I guess some of the money the television station pays him goes to shooting pints to these friends of his. In fact, come to think of it, I’m sure a lot of it goes into shooting pints to these friends of his. I doubt that anyone ever wants to talk to him while they are sober.

 

Even dumber than this

This is not a personal attack. I mean, lack of intelligence does not necessarily make you a bad person. Though in this case it makes you dreadfully irritating. But then again, because he is lacking in the capacity to obtain and interpret information coherently, he might not be able to realise that he is really a huge moron. He probably doesn’t mean to ruin my television by getting on it and being so gobsmackingly stupid. And I mean gobsmackingly. Literally.

You know most people just say gobsmacking without realising what it literally means. They don’t actually stop to ask, “What is a gob, and have I smacked one in response to this flailing fool and his words and actions?” But I saw him on TV. And he spoke and I heard him. And just by reflex my right hand spread out its fingers into a large slap and it flew straight to my own face and I heard an echo of a “smack!” sound right after I felt the pain.

 

It was only after that that I searched the dictionary and learned that “gob” is a synonym for mouth.

 

This is not a personal attack.

 

But I do wonder if perhaps somebody could get through to him and tell him what damage he is doing to the faces of viewers and if, on learning how badly he is forcing us to treat our gobs, he will decide to change his ways. I wonder if somewhere underneath the deep layers of thick, sludgy, gooey, quagmirey dimwittedness there is a soul of charity. I wonder if, should someone get through to this soul, they would convince him to try to stop being such an idiot.

 

Even dumber than this

I mean, we are not asking for much. Just a couple of things. First of all, please, chill the fake accent. I know, I know, they said they want someone on the show who is as cool as gundi, the little gay African-American from 106 & Park, and he figured he should try to fit the mould, and he noticed that that Terrance uses a lot of rolling ‘r’s when he speaks.

But you are not doing in right, friend.

By the way, when I say “friend” I am being sarcastic. I don’t consider you an actual friend. When I say “friend” I mean it more like “vile and despicable thing that is even worse to contemplate than rectal herpes”.

So “Friend” (see above for actual meaning) if you cannot actually imitate a real American accent, then just speak normally. This will prevent the eventuality of nobody freaking understanding a word you are saying. It will help you not sound as if your teeth are gangraping each other in your mouth every time you come onto the TV.

 

Even this guy calls you a moron

This is not a personal attack. I am sure there are people who know the real you, and they have had deep meaningful conversations with you and they have seen a side of you that the rest of us, those who only see you on TV, never get to meet. I assume those people spoke to you in your mother tongue. Because your English is not merely broken. It’s far beyond broken. To say your English is broken would be like saying an egg that has been run over by a bulldozer has probably got a couple of cracks in it.

 

All the idiots pictured are entertaining. Unlike you

Now, no one says that everybody has to speak great English. It’s not our language. But speaking faltering English is one thing. Speaking broken English with a fake American accent is just stupid. Speaking broken English with a fake American accent and expecting us to think you are cool is not just an insult, it is a hyper-insult, because you are insulting us by insulting yourself. Speaking broken English with a fake American accent and then expecting us to think you are cool and then not even saying anything worth listening to the whole time is a waste of precious electricity in a time when the country is suffering a dire shortage.

 

This is not a personal attack.

 

NTV’s The Hostel: Why Men Cry

If you missed last night’s episode of  The Hostel because the electricity in your house had, due to load shedding, gone back to Jinja, my condolences. If you missed because the neighbor’s child, in his quest to become a scientist, managed to screw open your telly but his ingenuity hadn’t yet shown him how to screw it shut, again, sorry. If you missed because aliens attacked you and took you hostage and you are reading this as 5 sets of green compound eyes stare intently at you while holding down boners with each giggle, preach it, preach the Urban Legend gospel.

Brothers and Sisters, go ye forth and readeth ULK!

The episode, for me, begun with Odoch and his roommate chilling on their beds talking boy things. Then Kitty strutted in holding cake that she claimed to have made herself. Just by looking at your TV screen, you couldn’t tell whether the cake was spiked or not. We both know which one tastes better. So Kitty walks in and places her bum on Odoch’s laps and proceeds to tell him how he is the bestest Boyfriend she’s ever had in her whole entire life. That all the rest were losers. That him he is not a loser. That he is a winner. That when she thinks of him her heart tintinabulates. And that even when he is far away, she can feel him behind her. Odoch is mashed up by all this mush.  Then Kitty leaves.

The camera then switches to Hope’s room. Hope is reading some rated stuff. Rated because they never show us the book the entire time. She is focusing on her book but her roommate, Patra, keeps sashaying to the radio and turning up the volume. At home we watched this thinking, “Who does that? WHO TURNS UP THEIR RADIO WHEN THEIR ROOMATE’S READING? Die infidel!” Every time Patra turns on the radio, Hope goes and turns it off. After lots of nail-biting dilly-dallying, Hope unplugs the radio and gives Patra the “if-you-even-think-of-switching-on-this-freaking-radio-again-I’ll-pull-your-hair-out” look. You know that look. They start to fight. Just a sample fight. Kitty walks into the fracas but doesn’t seem to notice. She pulls Patra to the bed and they start to discuss how their plan to slay Odoch is still on course.

The camera then shifts back to Odoch’s room. His roommate walked in and found the cake Kitty had brought Odoch lying there lonely. He unwraps it and starts to munch away. Again we who are watching we are like “Who eats his roommate’s cake? WHO DOES THAT? Die infidel!”

This is what happens when you eat people's cakes

Odoch walks in to find the last bits of his cake being munched. He breaks down. Wails. We are all surprised at the sudden break in character. “That cake was special. Kitty baked it for me”

The camera shifts one final time back to Patra/Hope’s room. Brother John has gone to see Hope and they are all staring into each other’s eyes and closing in for a French one when Angello walks in. Brother John is pissed, he lifts Angello off the ground and puts him on Patra’s bed, all the while promising to punch him but not quite getting round to doing it.

Brother John: Didn’t I tell you not to come here ever again?

Angello: But Hope, your chic, invited me. Here, see the text message (shows him)

John backs off.  Message reads “Sweetie, please come by today. I don’t want Brother John to know”

Angello: If you can’t please your woman, me for me I will (storms off)

Brother John turns to Hope and asks her why she sent such a message. She says she didn’t send it. Mbu she doesn’t know how it got there. He checks her outbox and voila, the message is there. He cries. He leaves.

Patra walks back into the room.

Patra: hehehe. I saw your two boyfriends leave. “Sweetie, please come by today. I don’t want Brother John to know”

Hope realizes that Patra sent the message. No more games. Hope forgets she is saved, quickly changes into a gladiator outfit, oils her body, and deliver deadly blows to Patra’s upper torso using a pillow.

 

Big Brother Amplified: For Those Who Don’t Watch It

Most of the responses I got from my last article about Big Brother were very positive. They were ranged from “Oh, Ernest Bazanye, you are so wonderful. Ooooh, baby!” to “We would like to put you on the register for the next Heroes Day.”

However, some of it was not as nice. Some people in particular took exception to the fact that parts of it seemed made up.

Okay. You’ve got me. I make up these things. I don’t really watch Big Brother, so I have no choice. I fabricate all my Big Brother recaps.

One of the people who wasn’t happy about this called me on Monday.

 

  • Hello, is this Baz?
  • This is Baz. Who am I speaking to?
  • Baz, this is Big Brother calling from South Africa.
  • In that case, don’t call me Baz. We are not friends. Call me Mister Bazanye.
  • I should probably be calling you an evil bastard after what you wrote about me the other day on your ka-site. You think we don’t read it in South Africa?
  • You man, I talk so much shit on this site about so many people, it’s hard to keep track. Which particular diss are you talking about?
  • You told everyone that I made one of the housemates pregnant. You said that I had been sleeping with Bhoke and she had started to experience morning sickness.
  • Heh heh. Biggie. I have some bad news for you. That’s not your kid.
  • What? But she said I was her one and only.
  • Um… no. Maybe you were her one and only for that hour, but that baby is half Ugandan. Wasake is actually in Kampala right now shopping for pampers and bibs and baby booties. Big Brother, are you … is that crying on the phone?

Bhoke Wasake Jr

I wanted to know what was going on, so I turned on my … okay, I don’t have a DSTV. So I turned on my neighbour’s TV and tuned into the channel to see what was going on.

 

When we tuned in again about an hour had passed. Bhoke was asleep and Big Brother was somewhere shooting heroin to calm his nerves. The housemates were gathered around Nalukenge who seemed to be distributing some clear liquid from a saucepan.

 

Miss P: What did you say it was called again? Rock Blue?

Sharon O: It’s cored Wallagy. It’s a rockaw blew we mark in the vurlajjies art horme in Ugarnder.

Vumbai: It smells like alcohol. It must be a local brew they make in the villages at her home in Uganda.

Miss P: Then why doesn’t she say so?

Sharon O: Tharrts wart ah sard!

 

 

I soon discover that Big Brother had refused to replenish the housemates booze supply, so they had to fend for themselves. However, because I have a job and I can’t sit home idle watching this crap all day, I left to build the nation and only returned a few hours later to see what was going on.

 

Wendel and Lomwe were gazing into each others eyes and whispering.

Wendel: I love you. But don’t worry. I don’t mean that in a gay way.

Lomwe: Dude you so totally mean it in a gay way. You couldn’t be more gay if you walked in here with Elton John superglued to your bum. But I am not afraid. Nalukenge’s Rock Blue is making me see everything in a different way. Your eyes as soooo soft…

 

Sharon meanwhile is in the centre of the swimming pool speaking loudly.

“Me you see me here me Nalu? Wen I go baaka to Uganda and de see me allo dem de will say eh! Nalukenge Shallon of Wabulanendyembwa Virrage she alluso can be wen she can fry on da aeroplane and go evenny up to zere inni sausi. De willo evenny give me a jobbu of pulizenta in capto efwemu mwe muli awo.”

 

So, tune in to Big Brother every week night on Lighthouse Television for full coverage.