Category Archives: Events

Monday Massacres: Bayistic Bayimba

The weekend was an artsy one, with the Bayima International Festival of the Arts taking place at the National Theatre. Ok, there was also Sean Kingston but it was full. The place not the artiste.  The festival started on Friday so I sneaked in to watch one of the first acts, the Lantern Meet of Poets do their thing. I didn’t pay to enter. They either thought I was royalty…or maybe the festival was free for all. I stood in the parking lot and watched people doing artistic gymnastics for about 20 minutes before wicked whispers informed me that the poets were doing their thing in the theatre.

Issue 1: The place needed the agenda to be handed out as flyers or have it pasted everywhere on posters and the like because there was so much going on; crafts on sale, somersaults, singing, rapping…It was easy to miss out on things you like.

After being elevated by the poets, Quela was pouring out baby-making music on the center stage in the parking lot. There were these big cameras that were relaying, on screens, what was going down on stage. The cameras chose to focus on the Quela girls’ gyrating waists…and then to do that slow-motion thing that is usually reserved for when Van-Damme is screaming ‘Nooooo’ as the girl his muscular chest fell for takes a bullet to the head from a bad guy. It was real-time visual spiked chocolate. You’d stand there confused; look at the girl live on stage or watch the slow-motion version? Look at the girl…

Then while the search for Gadaffi intensifies, he is there playing drums for Quela. See for yourself. I couldn’t get closer for better shots lest his female bodyguards spring out and molest me. Way to go Quela…

I left early, the Friday gods summoned me. I’m told a lot else went down. I went back on Sunday and found Navio on stage with an orchestra. Navio then invited Benon on stage to perform with the orchestra I wrote about in the previous sentence. I’m used to seeing orchestras only in those movies with Mafioso in them. It was a fresh experience. Benon did two jams off his new album, “A new day”. It was hard to focus on the artistes, what with the orchestra people doing thing with violins and other Google-able fancy instruments.

 

You don’t know how much UMEME has screwed the country till the MC to an event like this shows up in tight khaki shorts, a sweater and a tie. I threw the descriptive phrases ‘aggressive-body-hugging’, ‘crotch-displaying’, ‘high-queer-factor’ in there to give a better picture of the attire but the editor removed them. And then the guy interviewed someone on stage with his back to us. Oookaay, we gerrit. And then he kept speaking like he’d rather be alone with the microphone smooching it.

There was a silent disco but the time I was there, the queue was up to heaven, and the people inside were singing the songs out loud. Hehe. You go into a silent disco and then you all decide to sing the songs out loud. Hehe. The economy has screwed us over so bad, brain cells are dying…and things like this are happening.

I Want To See Sean Kingston

As usual, we have backdoor access to the tickets for our Dear Beloved Readers. We are giving out TWO tickets to the Kisean Kingston show. And since we want the best for our readers, we are giving out VIP tickets, baby. Jyeah!

 

I beg of you, ULK fans. Come and see me!

The catch

Answer the question below:

When your mum asks you what the Ashawo song “Polokoto” means, what will you tell her?

The two answers with the highest number of likes by 4pm today sees Kisean Kifatty fatty Kiboomboom today. Go!

 

Also Me I Want To Win A Ticket #Kiryalive

Uganda National Examinations Entertainment Board

Maurice Kirya Live Exam

Duration: 48 hours

Instructions

Last week we gave out a ticket to the Maurice Kirya Concert. Linda Tusiime was the lucky winner. See here. She’ll get to see the man whose song Rihanna sampled do it live on stage on 2nd September at Serena. We even interviewed him. See here. Today, YOU get to win our second ticket worth 50K.  You’ll get to listen to sweet music; no need to buy sugar even.

To Win:

  • Compare and Contrast the two individuals below
  • Write your answers in the comments section below.
  • The comparison/contrastion with the highest number of likes/thumbs up by 8am Thursday takes the second ticket.
  • You may start

Maurice Vs Maurice

Pens down. With 19 likes, Ali Taha clearly takes this one. Congs Ali…3 tickets to go

I Want To Win A Ticket #Kiryalive

Uganda National Examinations Entertainment Board

Maurice Kirya Live Exam

Duration: 48 hours

 

Instructions:

We are giving out FIVE tickets to the Maurice Kirya Live in Kampala Concert on 2nd September at Serena Hotel. Each of these tickets goes for 50k so this is your legendary chance to attend a concert for posh people FOR FREE.

The rules for winning the first ticket are simple. To make it even simpler, we are cheating the exam for you. Don’t tell anyone but for question 2, all options on the question paper are wrong. The correct answer is E.

To win:

  • Answer both questions.
  • Write your answers in the comments section below.
  • The answer with the highest number of likes/thumbs up by 8am Thursday takes the first ticket.
  • You may start.

1. What is the Maurice Kirya theme song that is being used by UMEME customers?

A. Misubbaawa

B. California King Bed

C. I Will Sing

D. Oli Miss

2. Maurice Kirya’s hairstylist is:

A. A very talented man

B. A very talented woman

C. Non existent. Maurice Kirya does not comb his hair

D. In India. That is a weave

E. None of the above. The real answer is……

 Thursday, 0800AM:

Pens down. The winner, with 28  likes, is Linda Tusiime. Congratulations Linda.

We still have FOUR more tickets to give away. Keep your pens ready

The Sanyu FM Movie Premier At The New Cineplex

‘Sup Urbanites. Guess where I was last night. No, before I went to bed. Guess I swear. Oh wait, I forget the title already gave it away. Sigh. There goes a perfectly crafted game.

So we were invited to the Bridesmaids movie premier which made me feel silly every time I texted a buddy telling them I won’t be available coz I’ll be doing Bridesmaids. Most replies were like “Dude!”

 

This is supposed to be the right audience for this kind of movie, right? Please be on my side.

My partner in crime and date for the night Maureen (of ULK) gave me a crying shoulder every five minutes and strengthened me with “I hear it’s like the girl version of Hangover so it should be good”.

We arrived a little after 8pm, me in my jeans and polo shirt, her in her ka-nice cocktail dress that actually fit in with the others. I believe we were the most mismatched couple, thanks to my love for the casual lifestyle…or was it my lack of social etiquette? I couldn’t even be gentleman enough to get her a drink without her having to ask for it. It’s people like Fatboy here who made cameramen look at me with those your-mama-should-have-taught-you-better eyes.

I look good, don't I? I know I do. Haters!

The new cinema’s setup makes the one at Garden City want to pack its bags and go back to the village. The lounge room alone is almost designed like an executive club that when I entered I started looking around for the counter, golden dance poles and chics high on Chardonnay. It’s VIP up in there, baby. It fooled me at first when I took the escalators to the floor above Nakumatt (yes, it’s at Oasis Mall). I really didn’t think there was anything sensible on that floor. Now I think everything off that floor isn’t sensible.

This is what I'm talking about right here

The Sanyu FM crew entertained us with their own version of the movie: Bridesmaids Kina-Uganda. One hunk (Mr Fatboy, the one Red Pepper thinks ain’t got game) and one dame (Emily, the one who loved the moment so much that she kept the dress on right until she left for home without her new husband) were to get married.

This is how we do it: Bestman Nash delivers Fatboy's wife

Val with the groom: What what what! Who's saying what now?

Seanice, Val, and Timothy share one last moment with the bride before she's whisked away to the toilet for the honeymoon. Yes, Fatty actually took her those ends just before I lost visual contact

I’m sure this finally squashed all rumours about Melanie and Fatty coz Mel was sorted, thank you very much.

You see us?

Been told the grooms men’s clothes were provided by Select Garments and the bridesmaids’ dresses were provided by Bridal Paradise. Oh, you want more bridesmaids?

That one in the middle is Crystal, my crush. Don't touch.

A number of top names represented. It just hurt that I lost Susan Nava’s pic. She was one of the hotly dressed. Judith Heard was there.

So was Zari. Maureen told me she’s considered local by many town girls. Girl beef? Don’t know, don’t care.

Charles of Sanyu FM with Zari of the local fame

 Here are the other moments

DJ BK, Susan (not of the Nava fame) and Big Ben

I swear this was a killer couple moment. Look at them.

 

Seanice, DJ Peter, Mel and Val

And finally, the couple that won grand prize

Emmanuel Gumisiriza (winner), Faridah of Kenya Airways and Emma's woman

But  I’ll have to go back this weekend for the movie, Horrible Bosses to dilute this whole girly movie thingy.

 

DSC_0030

Bringing Down The House | Zebra Party

There was another House Of DJs event last week. It was impressive and featured a hype man that I’m almost certain was from outside countries. I swear! I was there hearing him saying things like “Bank Holiday” the way people from other countries say it.

 

Now you see me, you I don't.

Also, we started hating on a brother the way we hate on summers. He had it coming, NO ONE wears shades on the other side of 7pm and is allowed to just be.

Of course the first thing you want to know is what people were wearing. Well, the organisers christened this thing the Zebra party so it makes sense that people would be in Black and White… how they went about it was entirely up to them… like the ushers wearing short black shorts and white tops and black sneakers.

Finally, women who are okay with wearing the same outfits…and others that just refused

"She's wearing my colors..."

Then we had the camera chaps. As I was approaching the entrance I could see them, but thought, surely I can survive this stuff, but Nooooo! Nga don’t the chaps train their lens on me? I’ve intentionally avoided watching telly because of these guys.

But that’s all good, it was cooler when the ladies came in. Its like the guys were planning to take the footage home and turn it into the matrix. NO LIE! The amount of attention to detail was commendable.

"mwana guy, lya blow"

In fact, if you guys are done, I’d like to view the footage. All of it. From when Shaniqua walked in and you caught the view from her face, to the soles of her feet, to her ankles, to the back of her knee to… you know, you were filming  it.

You want to know whether the music was nice? Yes. This was better organized than the last House Of Djs shindig at zone 7 and I won’t even bitch about how members of the third estate are no longer pampered. (I know, I know… we are not entitled to jack, but I thought we are a pro-corruption country, no? Well, I didn’t even get strawberry yoghurt)

The lighting was cool and in typical Ugandan style, people decided to arrive fashionably late. Some pulled it off, some, not so much…swing and miss I guess.

I honestly can’t tell whether all the deejays performed (it’s called performing, innit?)… I know Beekay was there, and I know the hype dude was there too, after Bank Robber’s absence last time… you know what, I probably shouldn’t have taken that ‘shot’..

Shuffle free zone

As is the case with these things, there were celebrities among us; Crystal, Val, Seanice…I sort of feel like I’m doing a Sanyu FM line up here, so…Hot 100’s Bryan McKenzie was along for the ride as was Salvador…the comedian {dear lord, please let me be right. I can’t mess up another name}

“excuse me, am I on camera…”

NTV’s Login Presenter took the opportunity to bounce me so she could interview aforementioned people of note. No beef really, it’s like we shared a moment there, she looking at me, me looking at her, noticing her mic and then bouncing. It’s sorta like telepathy, but without the annoying headache that comes afterwards…or the nosebleed.

There’s really no point talking about drinks at this point because;

1-    I missed happy hour

2-    It’s boda boda, you account will HAVE TO bleed

3-    (see somewhere in paragraph 8)

So let’s talk about the bestiality Zebras…

There really wouldn’t be any sense in calling your party the Zebra Party not feature Zebras, right. So there we were, minding our business and suddenly all the attention was drawn to the doorway when these ladies wearing paint came strutting in.

... there was no "going on all fours" with this lot

There’s something about a lady wearing just knickers and a bra that makes paint jobs so attractive… then the moment ended when the lads came in (if this had been written by a lady I guess that would have looked a little different)

Was it worth the entrance fee? I begrudgingly find myself agreeing, I didn’t have a chance to check out the VIP section, but as far as ordinary goes, this event was all sorts of extraordinary.

Finally, a group that knows what they came to do

House of DJs certainly brought down the house.

 

The Uneven Did A Gig At Roog.

Ernest

The Uneven are a rock band that performed last night at the Roog. I stood outside and stared at the neon sign and tried to discern the individual letters in a bid to rectify this crippling disability of mine to spell it correctly, but because of the way the thing is designed, my best option was to just stop haharing and enter.

Are. You. Reeeedaaaaayyy???

There were two things I was to discover on entry: By 8:30pm they meant 10:08pm. And by “free entrance” they meant you had to pay five K to get in.
But I am a posh corporate gangsta. Five K does not stop me going places. So I merely arrived and began to wait for them.

At Ten-oh-eight, they finally appeared. I don’t know their real names, and there is no time to do the journalism it takes to find out, so I made up names that I thought sounded appropriately rockish. On the lead guitar we had Joe “the Hoodieman” Opio. On acoustic guitar we had Big Black Araali. The drummer was Skinny Steve Tazanyanga and on bass was Roger “Nonchalant Roger” Something like Mugisha. They opened their set by playing a very bass-booming version of Clocks by coldplay.

Hey. They started an hour and a half late. By playing Clocks. Heh.

But though the show started late, the show started. The lead singer, who I shall call Irene, (because she’s not Rachel and I don’t think it is kind to make fun of a person for having such a large hairpiece) sang competently within her range, but with the band going through Snow Patrol, that one Joan Osborne song that people know, Amy Winehouse, Train and those ones, we kind of had to overlook her and focus on the band itself to really get just what was going on. I’m sure she had the best of intentions, as she strutted un-charismatically across the stage from port to starboard and back, but it just wasn’t, well, you know. It was the band that was rocking. You know?

When you focused on the band you could quite enjoy the music. The Uneven first came to fame when Touch FM played a no-vocals song of theirs, to great acclaim. The internets were full of excitement. At this show, they proved themselves to be that good. I think that if they just sat down and jammed they could really rip things up.

What really impressed me about the band? When they did Show Me Heaven, by The Nineties. And it rocked. Let me tell you about my traumatic childhood experience with this song.

Nga when I was in school the big boys (I hope you bastards are reading this) decided to make me squeeze a pillow to this song. I was just a little goodytwoshoes trying to get to my dorm, but here they were forcing me to slowdance with a pillow. Taunting and teasing me, telling me to grab her ass, to nibble on her ear, to fondle her boob. To this day I don’t slowdance. Without grabbing her ass. I swear it’s like a reflex, I can’t help it. Anyway, didn’t Uneven drag this M.O.R. Top-40 Adult-Contemporary Oldies Quiet Storm song and make it thunder? Thunder with Nonchalant’s heavy bass, and Tazanyanga’s drums like bullets. It was nice. I wish I could have heard Hoodieman’s solo properly to see it’s full glory.
Now, me that’s what I thought. If they either fire Irene or give her some unhappiness so she finds some real soul within her that she can channel on stage, I believe The Uneven can become worth more than five K and a couple of hours doing covers. But that’s me. Let us see what my colleague has to stay.

Streetsider? Did you see Uneven? First tell the people.

Streetsider

I saw the Uneven you guy, i saw Uneven, woooo bass guitar demon in attendance. You called him Nonchalant Roger? i call him The Whiplash Don, doo do doo doom doo roo rooo, lightning fingers, God save the poor bu groupies who are on the receiving end of those fingers backstage.

Ernest has covered most of it, he was paying attention. I was in and out, plus I was… how you say? Distracted most of the time. If you have been asking if the beautiful ones are yet born, they are, a good number of them hang out at Rogue when Uneven is playing. But yes, I can’t add much to that, I liked the show, it was would have definitely been worth the five K I was not supposed to pay; if, (i say this with rancour and busungu) IF the band had played a longer. They perfomed for something like an hour and then it was back to normal programming.

 

The Swearing-In Ceremony That Was

Sleek here:

And I swear,

by the moon and the stars in the sky,

I’ll be there…(I’ll be  there),

I swear,

Like a shadow that’s by your side,

I’ll be there...”

The (new) president belted this out over and over again yesterday, bringing back fond memories of Boys II men, All-4-one and all those groups girls were gaga about some years ago. A real man back then was one who could sing, with a rose between his teeth,  every word of the latest Michael Bolton song. And talking about singing, Angella Katatumba sang the national anthem. Way to go! Uganda and the US are growing amazingly close…at the next Uganda Super Bowl Final, maybe Angie will do a Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction thingi for us.

Streetsider incoming:

Man Sleek, you were those ends of Kololo, for me I was following the storo via Besigye Central. Things were tight, those ends Sevo was being sworn; people were in dancing and witnessing the singing prowess of Angela Katatumba ( I love that lady, and should she see fit to do a Janet Jackson I shall love her more), here people were being stoned, caned, and sprayed with colored waters. Besigye is back in the country and so I presume the saga shall continue.  I even read that Besigye called himself “Uganda’s exact true leader”, on the day of the presidential swearing in! Wooooo! i don’t know if the president reads some of these malicious dailies that do all sorts of  irresponsible reporting but I can imagine.

 

Nuh Uhhhhh! No he didn't!

You are in trouble Mr Besigye,  Mzee is going to give you the rapping of your life.

Erique in the building:

When the Raggamuffin was swearing in:

I sweya:

He stuttered at “ob…observe law…” He thought it was a typo and fired whoever included ‘law’ in his speech.

Crowd:

The crowd was mostly comprised of old people. Those who only vote for one issue: The man saved us from those of Amin.

Lady in red:

The first lady was clad in red. She had a bitter fight with the husband but they made up passionately after. And while they were at it, she was thinking of Otunnu the whole time.

Invitation list:

Tired, hungry and pissed off presidents only. It’s as if a cook had run up to Museveni and whispered: “Sir, their lunch is not yet ready. We are out of tomatoes and they are expensive in the market.”

Left-right:

The gunmen who marched in honour looked like they were threatened with a salary reduction if they didn’t march.

Facebook:

The lazy and cowardly middleclass who share Besigye’s sentiments towards the Museveni government were so angry that they furiously entered their usernames and passwords and status-updated their anger while threatening to continue their Walk To PC campaign if the government didn’t stop the violence they were reading about on other people’s walls.

Angela Katatumba:

She shouted the national anthem. Next time, Mister President, allow us to sing it for ourselves.

Rachel K:

We love you, Rachel!

Olara Otunnu:

Have you noticed how this guy has his trademark smile on every time something smile-impairing happens? How does he do that?

Besigye:

He came, he saw, he conq…nq…qqqqq…

He lost the signal around Zana-Najjanankumbi there.

Teargas, bullets, punches, canes, noses upgraded, shouting, jaws realigned, running, stones, sapatus…

When I asked Ernest for any comment:

“Just %^%&#%#$!!! both of them.”

Summary:

  • Museveni was given another retake
  • Fuel prices have not been reduced
  • Police violence is only escalating
  • Kivejinja’s arrogance has no known antidote

It looks like the more Ugandans strike, the worse the situations in question get

I say:

That whoever is striking does it in reverse. Demand for a rise in fuel prices, more police brutality, more terms for the president or just start walking backwards.

Sevo’s ego will make him say “Shya! How? They think they can tell me what to do? Reduce fuel!”


A message from our sponsors:

Think you’re a legendary writer? Next week is YOUR week. We are publishing readers’ articles (the cool ones, of course) and letting the public decide on which writers should stay regulars. Show us watchu gat.

Send your articles to suburban@urbanlegendkampala.com before Sunday the 15th – D.Day