Category Archives: Politics

What If Uganda Was Governed By Musicians?

It started with a simple observation. That Justin Bieber can pull off the same level of governance in Uganda right now. And then our Finance Manager paid the electricity bill for the idea bulb and wham! What if Uganda was governed by entertainers? Why not? It already is.

HipHop Uganda

Uganda Cabinet, 2014

President: Kanye West

Because he won’t accept that his best days are behind him.

 

Vice President: Kim Kardashian

Public figure for no reason really.

 

Prime Minister: Katy Perry

Because a Prime Minister is effective if they have Twitter to show for it.

 

Speaker of Parliament: Taylor Swift

Because the president doesn’t like her. But everyone else does.

 

Deputy Speaker of Parliament: Liam Payne

Because some people can only be known through Google.

 

Presidential Spokesperson: Justin Bieber

It doesn’t matter if he makes sense or not, people will always like to make fun of him.

 

Lord Mayor, Kampala City: Lil Wayne

More noise, less sense.

 

Minister of Education: R.Kelly

It’s much more fun to just pee on the teachers.

 

Minister of Works & Transport: Snoop Dogg

Look, I like pot.

Pot

And I like holes.

Holes

So why not just make things easier?

Snoophole

 

Minister of Ethics: Diddy

Starting today, I decree that you call me Puff Daddy. No, Daddy means child support. Call me P. Diddy. No, Sean Combs. No, remove the Combs, I like my hair the way it is. No, Diddy. Just Diddy. No…screw this! I’m bored. Let’s play another game. It’s called Miniskirts.

Me I Was Misquoted: Minister Denies Banning Miniskirts

Last year, Uganda’s Minister of Miniskirts Simon Lokodo told women to stay off miniskirts. This year, we find out that it wasn’t meant in the “don’t wear them” sense, but in the “don’t do anything bad to them because they are precious to me” sense.

Here’s our interview with the Regional Head of Miniskirts.

Loko

ULK: Good morning, Simon Lokodo.

Loko: Well done.

ULK: Let’s dig right in.

Loko: I didn’t dig into my wife’s phone last night to check if she was playing sex with other men. I was misquoted.

ULK: No, that’s…WHAT?!

Loko: You talked about digging.

ULK: LOL.

Loko: So you didn’t talk about digging? Meaning you were misquoted?

ULK: No!

Loko: Which means you were misquoted. Now do you get my precament?

ULK: Predicament.

Loko: What did I say?

ULK: Precament.

Loko: I was misquoted.

ULK: Must be your favourite excuse.

Loko: We’ve know each other from way back.

ULK: You and the excuse?

Loko: Yes. We first met in primary school when my P.3 science teacher accused me of calling someone a baboon.

ULK: And you were misquoted?

Loko: Yes. I didn’t call someone a baboon. I called somebody a baboon. There’s a difference.

ULK: Is that what happened when you banned miniskirts?

Loko: Yes.

ULK: What exactly did you say?

Loko: That they are banned and women should not wear them.

ULK: And how were you misquoted?

Loko: Do you want some tea? Coffee? I just remembered I didn’t offer you anything. Which, if you think about it, is very shameful for a whole Minister of Integrity. Where are my integrities?

ULK: Mister Lokodo, I have a really long day today. There are movies I have to watch and drinks I have to finish. Can we get back to the issue please?

Loko: Oh yes, tea or coffee?

ULK: Miniskirts.

Loko: I have only tea and coffee.

ULK: Did you or did you not ban miniskirts?

Loko: Yes.

ULK: Yes, you did, or yes, you did not?

Loko: Yes.

ULK: Lokodo, did you ban miniskirts?

Loko: Fffssshhh…fffssssshhhhhh…Hello? Hello? I can’t hear you! I’m driving through a tunnel.

ULK: Boss, this is not a phone interview. Stop playing.

Loko: Fffssshhh…krrrrrrr…fffsssshhhhh…I can’t hear you! Helloooo?

ULK: Good day.

Loko: Now I can hear you.

Kicked Out: What Next For The Lord Mayor?

Many men love attention. Some love to cry like little babies and have naked women run to their rescue while others prefer to just become Lord Mayor.

Unfortunately, Erias Thuglife Lukwago has been robbed of this responsibility. The poor idiot has been – how do you say ‘kicked the shit out of his seat’ without sounding mean?

Lukwagmire

So what’s next for someone who was supposed to just be attending ceremonies but got kicked out for not attending them properly?

1. Start your own ceremonies.

The position of Lord Mayor is only ceremonial. So when one’s ceremonies are taken away, why not go solo? Throw a massive birthday party and turn one of the speakers towards KCCA screaming, “Take that, b#@&?%$s! I gat my own ceremonies now!”

2. Or you could just start an events company.

LM Events

3. Become an MC.

What better way to be ceremonial than to become a Master of Ceremonies? The Fire Base Crew recently placed an ad in Monitor & New Vision asking for an MC with a KCCA background. Only that the ad didn’t run. Being a Lord Mayor was an added advantage because, you know, they are all talk.

4. Buy your own teargas.

One of the privileges of being Lord Mayor is you enjoy free teargas whenever you walk the streets. But who needs donated teargas when you can buy your own, right? And then walk like a boss cos, believe it or not, in Uganda, having your own teargas is a sign that you’ve made it big in politics.

5. Become a presidential advisor.

In Uganda, anyone can be presidential advisor. All you have to do is be a political failure. Even a baby rejected by the Electoral Commission for lack of minimum requirements could become a Presidential Advisor on Diaper Affairs.

This Is Why Uganda Has The Best Politicians

Several reports have revealed that Uganda’s politicians, including Clark Museveni Kent, are the worst in East Africa.

I say to hell with those reports. They don’t know what they want in life. We might have lost the regional political championships but we sure as hell have the best political team in the World Cup. In the last World Cup, we versed the U.S. in the finals and won the match when George Bush failed to find Osama Bin Laden and we found Joseph Kony’s plates and saucepans. And a pirated DVD of Spiderman.

And a pirated DVD of Spiderman.

I’ll give you five good reasons why Uganda has the best damn politicians in the world and if you still refuse to believe, you have my permission to go and die.

They are noble

They believe the nation’s funds belong to the people and since they represent the people, they take the funds on their behalf.

 

They are focused

Once they get into power, nothing will unplug them. Not even elections. They serve their country nonstop.

 

They are humble

They like to mingle with the common man.

Mingle

 

They are trendy

They discourage letter writing in an era that has many internets filled with Facebook, Twitter, G+ and Whatsapp.

 

They are full of dreams

Sleeping beauties

Why Are They Muzzling The Media?

Monitor, KFM, Dembe FM and Red Pepper have been shut down by the popo. There was a raid on their offices by SWAT commandos who issued the biggest baddest STFU in Uganda. It was like in G.I. Joe. So cool.

But what was the reason behind this action, why would the government send armed troops to close down media organisations? Doesn’t that contravene the ideal of press freedom?

Why? You want to know why? You want the truth?

images31

But can you handle?

 

Okay. Here.

 

  • They shut down Red Pepper because to hell with Red Pepper, okay.
  • We have warned Monitor over and over again about the error in their tagline. It’s not supposed to be Truth Everyday, it’s supposed to be Truth Every Day. Three words. If you can’t get it right, just stop printing.
  • KFM has been broadcasting over a wetland.
  • Sharon O announced that she was going solo and there was a tip-off to the Ministry of Ethics that Monitor was going to feature an interview with her. This interview might be printed with a photo of her with her awesome legs, in contravention of the miniskirt bill.
The moral fabric of society is skimpy

The moral fabric of society.

 

  • Seriously, the hell with Red Pepper.
  • Roger Mugisha and his lies must stop. Mbu pastor. Pastor biki.
  • And what’s with those accents? Why can’t a radio presenter talk like a human being instead of wrengwreng mwerr mweerr?
  • Even Obama agrees that press freedom should not include Red Pepper.
  • If you want to be raided, you can also make a letter of your own here

 

Lost & Found: General Sejusa’s Ninja Letter

If you’ve been on the Ugandan internets, then you know that Uganda Police downloaded the new version of Angry Birds and played it yesterday at the Daily Monitor and Red Pepper offices.

They raided the offices of two newspapers and two radio stations, not to send dedications to loved ones, but to look for the letter General Sejusa sent to the media houses for publication.

However, when the raid started, the letter was out in the back peeing from whence it heard the scuffle and sneaked out through the toilet window. It immediately reported to ULK headquarters for refuge and a cup of tea. Here’s an interview it had with our ninja reporter.

 ULK Headquarters

Reporter: How do you feel? I see fear written all over you.

Letter: Still shaken up. I peed on myself even. See.

Reporter: Dude! Put your envelope back on.

Letter: Sorry. I have a thing for exposure.

Reporter: So why are they looking for you?

Letter: I kissed a girl and I liked it.

Reporter: #KatyPerry

Letter: You guys hashtag in this place? Nice! The ones of Monitor & Red Pepper were detained for questioning.

Reporter: Damn! Hope they haven’t touched Facebook likes and comments. They are practically like family to us. So what makes you special from other letters?

Letter: I know things.

Reporter: What things?

Letter: Some things.

Reporter: Some things?

Letter: Yes, certain things.

Reporter: Like what?

Letter: Thing one and thing two.

Reporter: That’s a lot of things.

Letter: A lot. And I’m not the only one.

Reporter: There are other letters?

Letter: You think an operation like this takes the effort of only one letter? There’s a whole army out there.

Reporter: A rebel group of letters?

Letter: More like a coalition. We call ourselves NRFFDL; National Resistance Forum For Democratic Letters.

Reporter: And it is this…NRFFDL that’s plotting against government?

Letter: No! We’re a peaceful coalition that just wants its demands met. We don’t even know how this escalated to police levels.

Reporter: Well, isn’t it obvious? You threaten government, you get arrested.

Letter: Threaten government?! Who told…we’re only fighting for basic human rights! The first letter included…

Reporter: Wait, are you revealing the information you carried? Cos we’re broadcasting live.

Letter: Anti you forced me. NRFFDL doesn’t tolerate misrepresentation by malignant saboteurs from government. You see how I just used threatening words that sound very much like opposition? That’s because the information we carry is not for jokes, my friend. The first letter included a simple request to Mama Nakimbugwe, a sumbusa wholesaler in Namanve, to return the general’s balance within three days or face severe consequences.

Sumbusa

Reporter: What?!

Letter: Listen! I’m still finishing. The second letter, which was even sent way before the first letter, was notifying the public about the general’s change of name from ‘Tinyefuza’ to ‘Mastablasta Raggamuffin Bunsenburner’ but again police blocked its publication and the general was forced to go with an alternative name from the black market. Typical violation of human rights!

Reporter: Are you telling me…

Letter: Yes, I’m still telling you! The third letter, which is actually me, thank you very much, was just asking the public what ‘Opa Gangnam Style’ means. Why should a whole general who went to the bush and fought for the liberation of this noble country be subjected to lyrics which cannot be sung without the influence of alcohol? This is the kind of government oppression that the National Resistance Forum For Democratic Letters is fighting against and if the police are going to keep us from raising our voices, we’re ready to fight back! We shall not be intimidated by such feeble matters! We’re not cowards!

Askari: (Runs in panting) Sir, I’m sorry but the police just forced their way through the gate. They are coming upstairs.

Letter: Shit! Which side are your toilets?

Monday Massacres: State House Blowing Money Fast

You know that a legend never sleeps. He spends his hours awake lurking in the shadows, coming out to help the proverbial old lady across the pot-hole ridden street, to hand the lady fresh from the salon a pink helmet for her boda boda ride home, to give out ear-muffs to innocent taxi commuters being assaulted by Bebe Cool music, to slip adult pampers to people watching news  involving politicians(because you know, they might sheet themselves)….a legend’s work is never done.

One legend did heavy investigative, undercover, secret, hush-hush work to find out what the state house spends dollar-dollar bills on. From the Daily Monitor, below are the amounts of our money spent every day by State House. The Monitor left out the bit about exactly what the money is spent on….this is where the Legend  stepped in. See for yourself.

Showing you the money

[ulk-credit]Stuart Miles / Freedigitalphotos.net[/ulk-credit]
Showing you the money

6.2 million Shillings ($2,480) daily in special meals and drinks

The super beings in State House have three-course meals. No gasps there.

For starters, they eat money and wash it down with a glass of juice made from the sweat of sirloin bugs from the Amazon.

For the main course, for superhuman strength, see-through-mini-skirts vision, strong teeth and to be able to breathe underwater as they fight for Migingo Island, they eat only fish cross-bred with lion and gorilla sperm. The special special officers have Superman’s sperm for dessert.

15.3 million Shillings ($6,120)  daily on entertainment

They are secretly buying all the mini skirts. By press time, we were unable to establish what their grand plan is.

Some of the money on entertainment goes to Pygmies they fly in every lunch time to do gymnastics.

Because the powers that be “OMG we totally luurrvve Riri” (and also because they are such wankers), they fly in the teenage star every month as part of the entertainment budget. She’s  under instructions to wear military fatigues and to recite the one line she had in Battleship.

Every fortnight, to complement the dancing pygmies, they also hire actual angels to do accapellas.

 

Hallelujah my fine ass...you gotta pay

[ulk-credit]Charisma / Freedigitalphotos.net[/ulk-credit]
Hallelujah my fine ass…yes Sevo, you gotta pay

26 million Shillings ($10,400) daily on vehicle maintenance

At that amount, they could buy a vehicle a day. We discovered that they are maintaining the Bat Mobile. Batman secretly works with Museveni (gasp!). Take that Kenya! Talks are underway to get Tony Stark in line.

340,000 Shillings daily on newspapers

They read all the newspapers in the nation to ensure that the level of journalism is world-class. They then correct typos, do some editing and send feedback to the newspapers.

709.5 million Shillings  ($283,800) daily on classified items

They have a small nuclear plant that uses Uranium reserves made out of the poop of state house staff; you can’t work in the state house, be paid all that money, eat that three-course meal and poop poop. You must sheet Uranium. Or diamonds.

They have a research institute that makes pigs fly.

They contact ET on a regular for him to come over and touch them…ehhm, because his touch heals. Or they like being touched.

Expelled NRM MPs To Be Cast In Next ‘Expendables’ Movie

In a joint statement with the NRM Secretary General Amama Mbabazi yesterday, Sylvester Stallone, director of the 2010 ensemble action blockbuster ‘The Expendables’, announced that the rebel MPs who were expelled from NRM would join the top-billed cast for the highly anticipated third installment, ‘The Expendables 3’.

The announcement follows a declaration by the Speaker of Parliament, Hon. Rebecca Kadaga that all MPs expelled from a party are, by constitution, mandated to exit in the most kickass way possible. “They can either choose to freestyle to a Dr. Dre beat or publish a very controversial sex tape complete with ninjas and stuff, or, like in this case, do a movie,” she said.

Expendables

Director Stallone intimated to ULK that he was excited to work with such professionals greatly skilled in the art of being disposable. “One look at them and you know they are built to be kicked out of things,” he said. “It’s what guided us in casting them as this elite outfit of drug addicts sent out to save the kidnapped son of an undisclosed political kingpin. Although, instead of saving the boy, they raped him…oh, I’m giving away the plot. Sorry.”

The expelled MPs Theodore Ssekikubo, Wilfred Niwagaba, Barnabas Tinkasiimire and Muhammad Nsereko are expected to make their acting debut alongside Minister of Ethics & Integrity Simon Lokodo as their drug supplier. It is also rumoured that the movie’s early 2016 release will most likely coincide with President Museveni’s release of the highly anticipated second studio album, “You Want Another Rap Again?”

How To Conduct A Good Election

We have looked on as the Kenya elections have inched closer and closer…like that smelly guy in the matatu you don’t want to talk to. Us here in Uganda we have done these things of elections for many years. So many, even James Bond knows it.

Skyfall Quotes: Interrupt transmissions from a spy satellite over Kabul? Done! Rig an election in Uganda, all to the highest bidder.

So we are good at these things. We know it. The world knows it. It is from this high, white, well-fed horse that we deliver tips on how to do an election…and do it right *queue victory music*

High Horse

1.         Deploy the army everywhere

You shouldn’t be able to turn to scratch yourself in a matatu , a mathree if you will, without hitting the butt of a gun. The army should be in every nook and manhole. At the supermarket, the ladies at the checkout counters should be army women; in the bank, the pretty teller that makes you queue endlessly just to get there and attempt for the nth time to get her number…she and her colleagues should be replaced with army men. What do you need money for? It is election time bwana! Go vote!

 2.       All music should be liberation music

All these fluffy jams by sijui Prezzo, Mad Traxxx na P-Unit…no no no. Only liberation music should be playing. If your president can drop a jam (and let it be known that Kibaki dropping a jam would be so epic, North Korea would shut down  its nuclear tests and opt to send his music to America instead. If he can use ‘ama let you finish lakini…’ as the chorus, platinum )

 3.       Leave some names out of the register

What is the point of having 15 million people vote? For what? Useless. Tumbavu. Only a handful of people should vote…of course there is no use riling up people by telling them this. No no. Just don’t include them in the register.

But Sleek, they’ll stand in the scorching sun for several hours waiting to vote….

Umm, we gave them a public holiday. What else would they rather be doing eh?

Bbbbbuttt they’ll fight and beat us up…

Refer to point 1

 4.       Counting votes is for pansies

In Africa, we have no time…and we aren’t pansies. You could be counting votes then a lion springs out of the bushes nearby and devours you. Time is too precious to count votes. Use intuition; read people’s faces as they scrutinize the ballot paper. Then declare a winner.

Lion Attacking Zebra

That could be you. Don’t count votes

 5.       Partey!!

This is not entirely about the election itself…but about the aftermath. There will be a winner. There will be sore losers. Shut them up. Court. Radio. TV. Wherever they go, shut them up. Then on to the fun part…PARTEY!!

Throw a party so epic, Kim and Ye should call for tips. And if the party budget is anything below $10m, you aren’t doing something right. You are a shame to all Africans everywhere. Off to the naughty corner.

The Truth About Ragga Museveni’s Retirement

Everyone wants to know when he will retire but no one seems to know when he actually will. Not even himself. Some say goats ate his retirement plan while others say he retires every night when no one is looking.

We caught a drooling reporter having sex with one of the missing government goats and told him to support our laziness by helping us interview the president or we reveal where he works.

Here’s President Museveni’s interview with a Red Pepper reporter.

Goat interview

Environmental Problem: When are you leaving the seat?

Museveni: Most people start with introductions and…

EP: Twakowa! When are you leaving the seat?

M7: What do you mean? To go to the toilet or?

EP: No. Leaving the chair.

M7: I always do. When I’m going for a meeting.

EP: No! Leaving the presidential seat.

M7: But it’s mine. Why would I leave it?

EP: To let someone else take over.

M7: But it’s a president’s seat and I’m the president.

EP: Maybe it’s time you let another president take over.

M7: But other presidents are in other countries.

EP: Sir, it’s called democracy.

M7: Who?

EP: Democracy. Means ordinary citizens can also become presidents. Are you ever going to giving them a chance?

M7: Depends.

EP: On?

M7: Pardon?

EP: Depends on what?

M7: I don’t get the question.

EP: You said your retirement depends on something. What’s that?

M7: Oh this? My new watch. Madam gave it to me on Valentine’s Day. We went for Swiriri.

EP: Let’s stick to the subject please.

M7: Yes, the watch. She said it gives me swagger.

EP: The question was, are you ever going to give ordinary citizens a chance at the presidency?

M7: What’s in it for me?

EP: As a leader, you’re supposed to focus on the people.

M7: I do. I focus my power on them.

EP: Does that mean you won’t leave?

M7: Is the interview over?

EP: No.

M7: I’ll leave when it’s over.

Two weeks later

Twakowa

EP: Please leave my office.

M7: No! Until I find a proper replacement.

EP:  Until you f…the interview ended two weeks ago!

M7: Were you there when we were fighting in the bush?

EP: What?!!

M7: I single-handedly discovered oil in Uganda.

EP: (Confused stare)

M7: You want another rap?