Category Archives: Politics

musevenilonelyroad

KISANJA HAKUNA MUCHEZO, WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The president has declared his latest term not for jokes, those things are for former V.P Bukenya. Meanwhile, someone should offer that guy a job in Akandolindoli, he is idle these days but i digress. Back to the main point, you may be there thinking, “How do those things of kisanja hakuna muchezo touch me?” First of all, you need to think in correct grammar, i.e. “Why should I be concerned with quixotic presidential statements like Kisanja hakuna muchezo” Secondly, this is why you have to be concerned;

Zero DTP (Disturbing the Peace)

You know those days of Besigye coming from outside countries or coming from Kasangati to town with crowds of people. That stuff was for last term, this time it is for grabbing him just as the airplane enters Ugandan airspace. Sources say that Besigye was actually parachuted off the plane by special commandos who were trained by Chuck Norris and Rambo. Besigye was too stunned to believe what had actually happened but since he didn’t want to die in his own movie, he told people that he had been hijacked when the plane had landed which, according to our sources, is more fiction than a Kampala Sun news headline.

Kiboko Squad 2: bigger and better battering

The requirement for receiving kibokos in previous terms was actual participation in a demonstration. But this is kisanja hakuna muchezo, the requirements are different. Are you in the vicinity? Get kiboko. Are you wearing blue? Get kiboko. Are you a boda guy? Get kiboko. Do you look like a boda guy? Get kiboko. Is it shining? Get kiboko. Is it raining? Get kiboko.

You are fired

Are you a government employee? Be scared, kisanja hakuna muchezo is coming to the office or hospital near you. Ask those Nakawuka health workers. Do you want to pee? Do you want to buy airtime from maama junior`s kiosk? Do you want to quarrel with your ex on phone? Or you have a lunchtime date? Don’t dare move away from your desk because if the boss (and I mean the top boss) does not find you on the desk, YOU ARE FIRED!!!…..But don’t worry, it won’t be for long before you are reinstated.

Viral photos aka breaking the internet (the East African one)

Previously, the president`s photogenic moments fell into two categories. When he is addressing people at Kololo, Statehouse, Campaign rallies etc. The other is when his hairline hadn’t yet receded further back on his head and was making statements like “the problem with Africa is leaders over-staying in power”. But with kisanja hakuna muchezo, the president is a viral phenomenon with road side phone calls and power walks in the hills.

Sheila

IF LOCAL T.V ANCHORS WERE SCHOOL KIDS

 

 

 

 

 

 

NTV anchors are like those well fed kids at school, whose parents read for them bedtime stories, whose lunch boxes have sandwiches and watch cartoons like Ben 10. They talk about daddy`s new car, probably a Mercedes Benz or Range Rover and how their Christmas gift was an iPhone 6 plus. They know where the Swiss Alps are, not by reading the geography textbooks but because their parents spent their holidays there. They are the kids who buy rolexes at 15k instead of 2k and say they had a local meal.

WBS anchors are like those kids whose parents used to have it all, they used to have sandwiches in their lunch boxes but now there is fried cassava and mandazi instead. There was a time when their parents would drop them at school while driving Land Cruisers but now they arrive by boda. Other kids used to be jealous of them because they used to go to schools like Buganda road, Shimoni or Lohana which were considered top class but now no one cares.

Bukedde T.V anchors are the kids who say and do scandalous stuff way above their age, the ones who used to put mirrors under girls’ desks to…study biology. They are the kids who always wore the sack or had a bone strung around their necks because of speaking vernacular. During break time they would argue about who was the best amongst Rambo, swaziniga or chakinollisi…and blows would settle the arguments where necessary.

Urban T.V anchors are the kids whose report cards had comments like…“try harder”, “he is on his way but not yet there” or “he can do better”. They look at the NTV kids with some envy and hang around them all the time because they want to see the cool gadgets they have. They also want to eat some of the NTV kids` sandwiches because they only have two slices of bread in their lunch boxes. They are also the kids who had most winter nights.

NBS T.V anchors are the new kids who just joined the school from the village. Their parents have just landed in money or big position and are eager to flaunt it. The kids also display this new confidence, when a teacher asks a question in class, they will put up their hands first but give a wrong answer. They are the kids who brag how their dad has finished constructing a house in Najjeera and just bought a Mercedes Benz which has A.C.

U.B.C anchors are the kids who repeat class even in U.P.E at Kiddawalime primary school in Bukomansimbi.

BBS Terefayina. These are tight with the Bukedde t.v kids. So tight that sometimes you can’t even tell them apart. They have the same father but different mothers.

ABS T.V are just confused wierdos.

facebookblocked

WE NEED THESE MINISTRIES TOO. ASAP!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Minister for blocking out social media.

Since blocking social media channels is now a thing, we also need a minister to preside over this important matter. We don’t want to buy our weekly bundles and then, just like that, you hear social media blocked. We work hard for the money to buy MBs so they can’t just go to waste like that. Also, the minister should sensitize the nation about VPNs. What are these things? Where do we find them? Why do the people who use them think they are geniuses? Will you be charged with treason if found in possession of one? These are critical questions requiring a knowledgeable response from a minister.

Ministry of Traffic Jam.

It’s about time we realize traffic jams as a crucial constituency within this country. Everyone has been in that traffic jam where they say ayayayaya…kika!!. The kind where the taxi driver gets out of the taxi and goes to eat some katogo at a kafunda while the conductor yawns in the taxi. The ideal minister should be a taxi driver and a conductor to be a minister of state. They could introduce popular measures to reduce the stress and burden of traffic jams. For example, how about hiring Sheebah to sing during the jams, she can roll around on the cars while singing nkwaatako and then it rains, so she gets soaked  and you can see….wait, where was I?  Yes, entertainment during traffic jams.

Minister for youth unemployment.

This thing of youth unemployment is everywhere yet it is not represented at the highest levels of government. We need a minister to develop policy and strategy for the unemployed youth to engage in unemployment activities. What are unemployment activities, you ask? Ask Al Hajji Nadduli, I feel he would have the right answer for you.

Ministry for Besigye detention and prosecution.

This is surely overdue, the resources and effort required to keep Besigye in check should be consolidated and a ministry created for efficiency. It is a critical effort and therefore should be given the effort it deserves. These ministerial duties should include but not limited to the following, checking when Besigye wakes up, checking whether he brushes his teeth in the morning, finding out whether he prefers tea or porridge for the breakfast, how does he maintain that long distance relationship with Winnie? critically examining how many times he goes to the toilet (if it is more than five times, that would be weird). A report of these and other activities must be compiled and examined daily.

Presidential adviser on Stella Nyanzi affairs.

You never know what Stella Nyanzi is going to do or post on her Facebook page so it is imperative that the president is kept aware of Stella`s affairs. One day it could cause a rebellion in this country and the president wouldn’t even know.

Minister for Ludo Affairs. 

You know, just for just.

rolex

INTERVIEW WITH THE 15K ROLEX, WHAT MAKES IT SO SPECIAL?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Recently CNN did a piece on the number one economic activity for the Basoga as well as the staple food for campusers, bachelors, bachelorettes, corporates, born-again, musicians, Eddy Kenzo (he sings or he thinks he does but I refuse to call him a musician), broke people, anyway all Ugandans because we might sleep here. Then lo and behold we got a rolex that was priced more than chips and chicken. We had to search out this rare specimen and ask it why a sane Ugandan would forego ten rolexes (fifteen, if you are a good bargainer) for the price of one.

Me: Tell us, ridiculously priced rolex (RPR), are the eggs used in your making golden or is the flour sprinkled with diamonds?

RPR: That goose that laid the golden eggs was killed and don’t be silly, you don’t eat diamonds, you wear them.

Me: So then, the chef that made you must have been the original musoga, he then went to rolex school where he graduated with a first class degree in chopping tomatoes, onions and green pepper. For his masters, he learnt the delicate art of mixing all those ingredients in a cup and indeed he graduated summa cum laude from whence he pursued a PHD in….

RPR: DUDE!!! slow your roll. Chef guy was called Ruhweza and his relation to a musoga is that they all emerged from the Bantu ethnic group. Also, he was expelled from primary school for peeping at the Headmaster`s wife when she was bathing during evening prep.

Me: Which means that the knife used in your making was forged in the depths of Mount Doom. The sigiri from which you were fried was designed by Leonardo Da Vinci and thereafter handcrafted by Michelangelo. It was then carefully preserved over the centuries and eventually handed over to your chef who then brought you to delicious life.

RPR: Mount Doom doesn’t exist, and for you to mention the word sigiri in the same sentence as Da Vinci and Michelangelo is outrageous blasphemy. You should be prosecuted for treason in the Ugandan courts of law.

Me: Does that mean therefore that the fire with which you were fried descended from the heavens?

RPR: No, the fire was generated by a matchbox, made by Mukwano industries Uganda limited.

Me: The oil used must have been for the purpose of anointing but was then borrowed to aid in your making.

RPR: No, we used BIDCO cooking oil.

Me: So what makes you worth 15k?

RPR: We are moving to a middle income country and my price must also reflect this steady progress.

Henry-Kajura (1)

KADAGA TALKS TO THE ANCESTORS: WHAT REALLY WENT DOWN.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rebecca Kadaga (aka Becky with the wig hair) caused outrage in the country by going to “thank” her ancestors in Busoga for winning the speakership. She says she was just promoting tourism but that excuse is not just lame, it requires life support to even be considered an excuse. I however think that the speaker should be given a break, after all, no one is out there stoning Maama Fiina and she makes her living giving “ancestral blessings” which is a highly profitable business by the look of things. In order to convince Ugandans that their speaker is not a witch doctor, I have obtained a transcript of the conversation between her and the ancestors which should clear the air.

Ancestor 1: Becky, thanks for coming to appreciate our efforts. There are those people who never come back after getting what they want or they sneak in here in the night and wake us up when we are dreaming. I hate those people.

Ancestor 2: Speaking of people who never come back, have any of our branches received a one Bukenya Gilbert? Former mahogany now burnt charcoal.

Intern ancestor checks on visitor logs and finds no record of a visit by Bukenya.

Ancestor 2: Let’s keep that fellow confused until he learns some manners. Intern, go reduce his reasoning capacity further.

Intern: But it is at zero, no one takes him seriously anymore.

Ancestor 2: okay, we shall convene a meeting to discuss the next steps. Sorry Becky, we are not paying enough attention. Intern, go prepare some lemon juice for our girl.

Ancestor 1: Eh, but Becky those ancestors of Omoro were not easy, they had refused to accept defeat. Can you believe they even awakened Gipir and Nyabongo and we all know those two never really got along.

Ancestor 2: If it wasn’t for the intervention of Kintu, stuff had jam. That ka-Gipir guy came waving his spear and we had all scattered. But Kintu came in and put him in his proper place, told him to stop being too greedy or he would face the music. He was like mbu trying to refuse again and Kintu just pulled out a 600 mm caliber RPG-7V2, reloadable launcher.

Ancestor 1: We all know you cannot bring a spear to an RPG fight. Hahaha, you should have seen the look on Gipir`s face.

Intern: It was like some expendables shit!!

Ancestor 2: So you are watching movies instead of the work we give you. Be careful, I will not give you a recommendation letter when your internship ends.

Intern: There isn’t any work anymore. Everyone prays to Jesus nowadays and they get what they want. You don’t even have to pay anything. Your business model is very obsolete.

Ancestor 2: What do you know? You just died a few years ago, for us we have been dead for centuries and know much more than you do.

Ancestor 1: You guys, where has Becky gone? Don’t tell she has already left!!

Ancestor 2: Kale, I wanted to talk to her about Besigye. He looks like he could use our services.

Intern: Me, I want to get saved.

Ancestor  2: GET THE F*** OUT OF HERE!!!

Eddy-Kenzo-funny (1)

WHY MUSEVENI SHOULD CHOOSE EDDY KENZO AS MINISTER OF EDUCATION AND OTHER SUGGESTIONS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some people are about to be fired from their ministerial posts as the president ushers in a new and unprecedented era of steady progress. As concerned citizens, we are forwarding a list of potential nominees to the president as he ponders who to give stones and who to send back to the village.

Minister of Housing: Bebe Cool/ Moses SSali

Mr Ssali will bring his vast experience in building a house to the cabinet. Sources say the president has been impressed by Ssali`s attention to detail and desire for perfection which has seen him take a century to construct a house. Apparently he thinks he is constructing a pyramid. Bebe Cool`s perfection is such that he put a hold on construction so that he could import sand from the sahara desert  after refusing to use sand from lake Victoria. Mbu, he couldn’t use sand from a lake where Bobi wine has a beach. This is the kind of determination that the president is going to require from his ministers as Uganda makes the leap to middle income status within 5 years

Minister of Education: Eddy Kenzo

Surely this appointment makes the most sense, if Kenzo is not willing to acquaint himself with knowledge of basic math, being a minister of education should at least give him some knowledge through being mentioned in the same sentence with the word education. Just don’t expect him to account for the ministry expenditure.

Minister of internal affairs: Maama Fiina

Renown traditional/witch doctor is a busy body. She is a such a fixture on Bukedde news that a maama Fiina desk should be created at New Vision. She is renting a house for an ex-kifeesi  gang member in bwaise today, tomorrow she is intervening in a domestic quarrels for people in Kabulasoke, the other day she is battling spirits that have gone rogue in Mukono (as they always do in mukono). Her services to this nation should be rewarded by a ministerial post, In fact, having a government car and a police escort will enable her go faster to the places where she is needed.

Minister of Ethics: Father Lokodo or Franklin Emuobor

This is a tough one, these are both epically useless fellows and Emuobor having called out Father Lokodo on his blatant lies should give him some marks. But as a patriotic Ugandan, I second Father Lokodo to bounce back so he can continue to be useless as before. Father Lokodo must have invented the phrase barking dogs do not bite. The last thing he must have bitten so hard was the last Eucharist as he left fatherhood in order to measure the length of skirts and scrutinize nude pictures.

Minister of Defence: Jon Snow

Jon Snow is out of a job after being knifed (literally) in Game of Thrones. And if you can fight the white walkers (not to be confused with the walkers of the walking dead, white walkers are much cooler), you can crush opposition protests while eating a rolex with two chapatis and four eggs as well green pepper.

Minister of Finance: Sudhir Ruparelia

We joke way too much here at ULK but this appointment should be considered seriously. I mean this dude can really throw a party, imagine the parties he can throw if he is in charge of the treasury, that way, we can really enjoy the taxes we pay and the residents of Bwaise won’t even mind canoeing to work daily.

besigye_5

BESIGYE`S LIST OF DEFIANCE ACTIVITIES LEAKS.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kale Kayihura finally allowed Besigye to breath, sort of. He had been suffocating in the vast expanse of his kasangati home watching Wonder Woman battle Doomsday while Batman played hide and seek (seriously dude, man up…Batman, not Besigye). Besigye, however is now free to roam the country except in Kampala or any  town center for that matter or be anywhere where two or more people could gather to hear him speak or head to prayers…the exceptions list is still developing. Here at ULK we have landed on a list of defiance activities that show the police are in fact right in trying to stop Besigye from, you know, being.

Buying Gonja.

Exclusive information reaching our news desk indicates that Besigye will seek to cause severe Gonja shortage in Kasangati and the country at large. Having been kept indoors without access to gonja has unleashed his monster appetite which he will seek to satisfy by invading all the known gonja selling places. Besigye moles have already been placed in critical gonja selling areas like Namawojjolo and have been seen buying ridiculously huge amounts of this delicacy (you know yourselves). There is however a sinister motive behind this move as a gonja shortage is likely to cause kampala residents to rise up in defiance because, let’s face it, there are only two kinds people in this world, those who like gonja and monsters.

Endangered species

Endangered species

Watch Captain America Civil War.

On May 1, Besigye will not be found in Kasangati. He will be heading to a cinema to see the defiant Captain dish it out with the authority (Iron Man). If you are wondering who Besigye will be supporting in this showdown, welcome to planet earth from whichever galaxy you had been marooned on. Classified intelligence indicates that the colonel will seek to identify guerilla tactics employed by the captain as well as also ogle Scarlet Johansson. It will be imperative for police to stop such a venture because, one, definitely the government doesn’t want him to learn tactics from guy who beat the Nazis by basically swinging a metal plate around and secondly, with his eyes, there will be nothing left for the rest of us to ogle when Besigye is done.

Eh!!, this guy is not for jokes.

Eh!!, dude means business

Change weather pattern to winter.

Have you noticed how all of a sudden it`s raining after the 40 day siege ended? If you haven’t, we have not noticed on your behalf. Data gathered from various fictitious weather stations and maama fiina indicates that rain had been on a defiance campaign until Kifefe`s release. To demonstrate further these previously unknown powers, Besigye will bring winter to these shores. Although the date for this act could not be readily established, it is predicted that this will happen around the same time pigs will start flying as well. So if you are crushing pork ribs and one of them flies out of your mouth, winter is coming.

Our investigation shows these activities could cause severe paralysis and be a catastrophe to this nation therefore a robust police response will be required if such activities are to be stopped.

Sseya’s Resignation Letter

Digged Out By Tom Rwahwire, The Legendary

Say Yeah

From: My names am Cold All Hajj Nasser Ssebbaggalla
To: Those of NRM

Re: Resignational Letter

Well Done

Me as Sseya am righting here to officially declare how am withdrawing my behind from you NRM.

This is due to many fax. Me I don’t like speculations, unless it is speculation of glasses to make me look more in delligents. I only deal in fax.

Fax number one: You deceived me that I was minister of Polio. Then now I hear there is campaign to radicate all Polio from Uganda. Now if there is no polio I will be minister of what. That is not a question. You have found me looking. I withdraw my behind.

Fax Number Two: I told you desire was my private parts. Instead you members of NRM sharing the photo of her nakedity on the NRM Whatsapp. Me do I fwd pix of your side dishes? I just chaw them and keep quiet. See your lives.

Fax number three: You hoes ain’t loyal. I wasn’t borne last night. When Amama was dismitted from prime impex you could not even DM me to see if I wanted? Okay keep. #YOLO

Those are all the fax I give. Look at them.

Now, you want me to tell you where I am going now that I have relieved myself from NRM.

First of all, as you all a wear, Sseya is big pimping. I am going to get sectual entercose from famous sex cymbals. Yeah. Who needs English with game this strong? You talk in English while I shag in Luganda.

Secondry am going to make a new party. DP are wiseacring on me. They don’t know I slept with their side dishes last night.

So am going to join Gagamel we make gagamel a political party. Gagamel has power. They have a generater. Then we make Bebe stand in twenty thouthand sickisiteen. Then he make me Minister of Polio AND also coccodiosis.

Then NRM comes to put behind on me I will kick it.

Nice Time
Sseya.

Why Create New Districts? An Interview With Govt’s Department Of Districts.

To date, Uganda has granted asylum to more than 110 districts, making it the districtest country in the world. But even then, recently, a parliamentary committee recommended the creation of five new districts. To explain the meaning of this, we kidnapped a government official from the department of districts for an interview.

Thank you for honouring our invitation, sir.

It was irresistible.

Head of Districts

Let’s delve right in. We want to talk to you about districts.

No problem. You want one?

Uganda now has 111 districts. And yet you’re still creating more.

Yes, a lot of people are winning.

Winning?

Yes. We have this promotion. It’s a Christmas promo we do every year. Next year we’ll give out ten new districts.

What’s the promo about?

It’s dubbed ‘Who Wants A District’ and participants have to be Ugandan to qualify. Those who are not Ugandan are required to lie that they are Ugandan before they become eligible.

How exactly are the districts given out?

They are transported from parliament-we use Fusos mostly-and taken to where the winners stay. Depending on the level of winning, the districts can come with added bonuses. The top winner gets a district complete with people inside, the first runner-up gets an empty district, and the second runner-up gets just people.

Where does he put the people if he has no district?

Well, that depends on him. We try not to tell them what to do with their prizes.

I see. Aren’t you concerned that with all these annual promos, the number of districts may, at some point, become too big?

There’s nothing like too many districts, my friend. Districts are like air. Can there be too much air?

That’s not really a fitting analogy.

Exactly. Without air, we all die.

But I don’t see how…

Look, do you read the Bible?

Occasionally, yes.

There’s a verse that says, “Innovation distinguishes between a leader and a follower.”

That’s Steve Jobs.

What it basically means is those who don’t have districts are followers. And we as a country want to be leaders.

I think you’re reading the wrong Bible.

And that’s why we need districts.

What If Uganda Was Governed By Musicians?

It started with a simple observation. That Justin Bieber can pull off the same level of governance in Uganda right now. And then our Finance Manager paid the electricity bill for the idea bulb and wham! What if Uganda was governed by entertainers? Why not? It already is.

HipHop Uganda

Uganda Cabinet, 2014

President: Kanye West

Because he won’t accept that his best days are behind him.

 

Vice President: Kim Kardashian

Public figure for no reason really.

 

Prime Minister: Katy Perry

Because a Prime Minister is effective if they have Twitter to show for it.

 

Speaker of Parliament: Taylor Swift

Because the president doesn’t like her. But everyone else does.

 

Deputy Speaker of Parliament: Liam Payne

Because some people can only be known through Google.

 

Presidential Spokesperson: Justin Bieber

It doesn’t matter if he makes sense or not, people will always like to make fun of him.

 

Lord Mayor, Kampala City: Lil Wayne

More noise, less sense.

 

Minister of Education: R.Kelly

It’s much more fun to just pee on the teachers.

 

Minister of Works & Transport: Snoop Dogg

Look, I like pot.

Pot

And I like holes.

Holes

So why not just make things easier?

Snoophole

 

Minister of Ethics: Diddy

Starting today, I decree that you call me Puff Daddy. No, Daddy means child support. Call me P. Diddy. No, Sean Combs. No, remove the Combs, I like my hair the way it is. No, Diddy. Just Diddy. No…screw this! I’m bored. Let’s play another game. It’s called Miniskirts.