Category Archives: Features

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The Acholi finally famous!

It was announced earlier that Uganda would be getting its first ever total lunar eclipse somewhere in Acholi land next month. This news was received with proclamation that 30,000 tourists will come into the country to see the total lunar eclipse. We contacted the Minister for Internal Affairs and asked him a few questions about this total lunar eclipse and his is what he had to say.

ACHOLI-DANCE

We finally famous…we finally famous!

US: So, good news, Uganda getting a total lunar eclipse, what do you have to say about that?

Minister: I am glad you came to me. Finally, I can now add to my C.V that I was the first minister to bring in a total lunar eclipse in all of Uganda. I can now brag to my other ministers. In fact, I just sent a petition to government to increase my salary for bringing in a total lunar eclipse. You see, I went to the NASA and asked them personally if they can bring the lunar eclipse to Uganda and they allowed. This makes me a man of importance in this country.

US: So minister, you’ve still not answered our question?

Minister: You see, when I was in primary school, our teachers used to tell us about these things, and now, I can go and tell my teachers finally that I brought them a total lunar eclipse. I am now cool like that.

US: But aren’t your teachers not teaching any more Minister?

Minister: Well, I will go to the school and ask for them to put a monument of me as the first Ugandan to bring the moon to Uganda.

US: But Minister, we know that the total lunar eclipse is going to be in Pakwach?

medicine-man_pvs-photography

Shit, who took the lights out?!

Minister: Eh! You are serious. Let me call the president and tell him that we need a minister for Pakwach Lunar Affairs (PLA) now. You see the government needs to capitalize on such opportunities. We are going to create more jobs for the people in Acholi.

US: What about the 30,000 tourists you said would be coming to see the lunar eclipse?

Minister: 30,000? They first need to ask visa from my office and if they don’t give me my ka-chai, I cannot allow them into my country. Besides, we also have other tourist attractions like Jennifer Musisi’s lawns and trees with tires in them in the city centre. I really like that woman but she’s hard to ku kwana.

US: Jennifer Musisi’s trees with tires?

Minister: Wangi?

US: So, Minister, what about the people of Pakwach, what do you have to say to them about the lunar eclipse?

acholi warrior_2

We really need to stop and ask for directions.

Minister: For a long time when I was studying social studies, I wanted to know why those people were black. I think now that the total lunar eclipse is coming, those questions will be answered. In fact, we have sent a research team from government to buy land where the total lunar eclipse shall fall. Then we shall tell NSSF to buy land there. That land is very important. The country needs to invest in land where the total lunar eclipse has fallen.

US: Thank you minister for your time.

Minister: Ate my ka chai. This interview is not for free.

US: Actually, the people from Pakwach are the Alur.

Minister: Ok bye.

NSSF Torches CSR As We Know It

So, on 0ctober 24th, Uganda’s largest piggy-bank, the National Social Security Fund, held The Torch awards at the Sheraton Kampala Hotel to recognize the work done by private institutions and individuals. Over 100 people and institutions registered for nomination (including those that thought they could piece up a project in their briefcases and hope it seems legit on nomination night). Their efforts were commended but only those projects that were found legitimate were awarded. Five winners were awarded from the 15 nominated projects. Seeing how the numbers were narrowed down, the awards themselves come off as legitimate… which is a good thing I think.

Anyway, the night kicked off with a cocktail party complete with drum wielding traditional dance troupes; you know the ones that are paid hefty sums of money to help keep the atmosphere semi apocalyptic! It is here that sharks draped  in business garb and members of the fourth estate (yours truly) downed a good portion of your money at the open bars. Thankyouverymuch.

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After that guests were ushered into Sheraton hotel’s Victoria ballroom. And it is there, three tables from ours, that Prince Wasajja, HRH Naginda, NSSF MD Richard Byaruhanga and several other NSSF staff, clad in their well pressed old people clothes and drinking from white chinaware sat and watched the proceedings of the nigh1196_665626290123170_1485714711_n

The stage was already set and waiters were waiting at snapping distance. I was served some stuff that tasted like salty porridge with mushrooms in it. I had to tell myself…

“Self, you are at the Sheraton, what is the worst that can happen! Come on don’t be local, just eat the damn porridge!”

The hosts of the evening were Roger Mugisha and UBC’s Jane Kasumba (I wonder what she is still doing at UBC with her gorgeous NTV legs). The duo endeavored to stay away from that accent thingy that has become a fad with Emcees nowadays, and I believe they did a good job. And isn’t it amazing how Roger Mugisha made the switch from Slim Master P to Johnny ‘freaking’ Cash! It is actually that fact, of him transforming from a casual worshiper of Satan to a perfect Christian suit that makes him a fascinating MC.

“We receive over 20 proposals a week from people asking us to contribute and offer support to all kinds projects. Including their weddings…” says Richard Byaruhanga, Managing Director, NSSF.

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“The Torch Awards is something we came up with so that we help those projects that we feel deserve to be supported, and also cut down on the paperwork— this is a new and unique form of CSR and we hope other companies will emulate this,” he added.

Dinner was served, with Qwela band belting off some of the most awful sounds I have heard at a dinner. Ever. Okay, not ever! But it is one thing to stay calm and not do a thing even if you very well know that you can just simply walk up to this guy and punch him in the mouth.

I must commend the Sheraton Hotel for having an entirely local menu that didn’t suck! Awards were presented to winners, and we heard speeches from HRH Slyvia Nagginda and Comedian Herbert ‘Museveni’ Segujja.  Segujja’s impersonations of Museveni are something of impressive, but they also keep you on the look out. I mean what happens after the real sevo walks in…

PSA: Ask Not What Buganda Can Do For You…

We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming for this kalango.

The official way of looking at it…

Oct 2013: Kabaka of Buganda commissions the MTN Uganda Mobile Money collection platform for the Buganda Kingdom development initiatives

Our take:

Welcome to another exciting edition of WHO WANTS TO SPONSOR A MONARCHY? I see you scratching your head wondering, ‘another’? That’s right, another, this is that exciting event that’s got the whole world doing a little something for their royal family. The UK is still collecting facial expressions for the queen mother and as we write this, they are first approaching smiles. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, SMILES.

But this craze is not just in bulaya. Walahi, even here next door, the wonderful albeit clothes deficient people of Swaziland are still breeding beautiful young girls for the king to pick whenever he feels like it. The government is getting involved too; they have banned the importation of bras into the South African country. And men are getting in on the action. Last we heard, there has been a resurgence in the use of the popular pick up line, “let me introduce you to a friend that will treat you like a princess”.

So where do you come in? It’s simple, Uganda, like most countries that are NOT Russia, has kingdoms. And like most kingdoms, that are NOT America, these are headed by a king or queen…or a tree. The wonderful people at MTN have made it easy for you to help the Kabaka go about his development initiatives. Oh, and here’s the best part, you won’t even have to vacate your seat. You just need to whip out your phone, go to the Mobile Money menu and send your contribution to help with developing the place.

You know how you keep looking at kids, wondering what they are taught these days? Well, my friend, that little brown thing wearing glitter and denying that she stole your Long Island Ice Tea, could benefit from a school.

Think of it this way, if you buy her a drink in the club, or even hand her money, you’re corrupting her morals. Now you can look her in the eye and say, NO! I will put up with your shit no longer, I will send you to school and before she can roll said eye, whip out your phone and contribute to one of the Kabaka’s projects.

How about our crammy hideous horrible roads? While Jennifer is working on them, and putting together a carnival, you can do something about them too! Scroll back to that line about whipping out your phone and making a difference.

For more information on how you can do something, click here.

UPDATE

We may have gone overboard with the whole school kid thing…

Speaking to his subjects, Kabaka Mutebi pointed out three major projects that are in need of development including; re-building of the Masiro, renovation of the Bulange buildings and funds for the Bulungi Bwansi projects among several others. He urged the people of Buganda and well-wishers to embrace this innovation from MTN and donate generously towards the development of the Kingdom

…but that doesn’t mean you can go ahead and splash dime on those young úns willy nilly. They have to work for it. ..and leave first thing in the morning.

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Jammin’ Space

News reaching our desks has it that NASA’s Voyager 1 has finally left our solar system. To bring you up to speed, the Voyager 1 is a probe that sets off to explore space and go where no man has gone before. In essence, it borrows a bit from Wentworth Miller, Elton John and that workmate that still carries a vibrator to work, ‘just in case’.

"Is that a probe in your pocket or am I happy to see you?"

“Is that a probe in your pocket or am I happy to see you?”

The probe was launched in 1977, running 68 Kilobytes of computing power, so everyone seems to think this is an achievement unto itself. You know who doesn’t think so? That kid that was showing off with the dodgy grey Samsung flash disk back on campus, rocking all of 64mb. He is sitting there, stroking the obsolete piece of tech hanging from his neck and thinking, ‘amateurs’.

So, what’s the plan? Well, whoever sent it out there desperately wants to know what’s happening out there. They don’t really care about what’s happening on the other side of the ocean, “You mean Africa is NOT a country”, but they are hungry to find out whether there is alien life out there.

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Alien Technology from 2003

In fact, I believe the politically correct term, because we don’t want to be offending alien life forms, is “intelligent life”. Therein, may lie the answer to that baffling question, if it’s intelligent, it knows better than to reach out to earth. Why the hell would anyone want to get in to contact with the planet that’s responsible for a twerking Miley Cyrus, an incoherent L’il Wayne and Erias Lukwago?

They’d likely be watching from a distance and thinking, “sheeeeiiiiiit!” and using recordings of Robin Kisti’s accent to ward off insurgencies. “Carm Orn! Carnt we arll live in harmorny? Pearce arnd Lurv, y’arll. Pearce arnd lurv…”

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What’s particularly important to note is that some measures have been put in place just in case the Voyager does encounter alien life. It’s been equipped with a gold plated record with images from earth and greetings in 55 languages. If the aliens are smart they will probably fight over the gold and move on, because, really, what are you going to do with a couple of ‘bonjour’s?

And what criteria was used to select those languages anyway? I’m going to hope the pictures don’t feature our landmarks and shit, because that’s how stuff gets blown up in the movies. Aliens be like, “I’d hit that” and then they do just that. With laser beams and prejudice.

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On the flip side, things can’t be that bad. There’s no way on God’s then green earth that they took any Ugandan language. Don’t get me wrong, the Western languages have that almost seductive drawl punctuated flow ending in a muted ‘teh’, Northern languages will, through their delivery let anyone know not to mess with us, but let’s be honest, we’re a bunch of haters. We won’t be welcoming, we will be saying stuff like, temufuka wanno, mulye sausage and K**a N***o!

 

How To Become A Kiprotich

By The Last Airbender Kuzooka Conrad

Good morning class?

*Class stands up!* Good morning Mr. Kanabi!

Now, dear childrens, I want to teach you how to be a Kiprotich.

It has come to our notice that since Uganda celebrated 50 years, we have been able to capture 2 gold medals from the bush war we fought outside countries. This bush war has nothing to do with guns or the Eno Ara Emu but practicing chasing chicken for the visitor who came to your place in the village. Apparently that’s also the origin of Enkoku Nkulu!

Now, if you master how to chase chickens, the government sponsors you and puts you on an aeroplane to go and run alongside other people who have also learned how to chase chickens. Here’s a ten steps runs guide to teach you how to become a Kiprotich.

You don’t need fake gold grills after this!

You don’t need fake gold grills after this!

1. Lie about your age. We all know Kiprotich is not 23, we are not sure if he’s younger than 35 but he claims he’s 23. If you can master lying about you age, then surely you can run 42kms any day, any time. This doesn’t apply to women.

2. Work for Luzira Prisonor any other prison in the country. Do you know of anyone who has escaped from Luzira prison? Do you? No! I don’t think so! Why? Because of Kiprotich. In Luzira prison, if you want to escape, you ask for permission, and they will give it to you on condition you don’t get caught by Kiprotich.

3. Eat ka-little little. Have you heard of the saying carry your own weight? We measured Kiprotich and he’s 35 kilos but again, like he lied about his age, we can’t confirm on this. But if you know how to carry your own weight, then you surely can become a Kiprotich. This again doesn’t apply to Straka and her buddies.

4. Escape from the Kony rebels. Ask Inzikuru, she’ll tell you more on this.

5. Make sure that the UPE school you go to is 42kms away and if you don’t attend it, you get free kiboks everyday. That will teach you how to run!

6. Make sure you are from the cheetah/leopard clan (Ngo) and am not referring to the fumblers from some school with beaten down buildings.

7. Walk to Work. Now, if you used to go for these campaigns and police chased you around with pink water, then you’d have a gold medal or be like Kiprotich. So, for the next one, go and train for that gold medal.

8. Follow closely the above steps I have given you! They are very important.

9. Make sure that when they are giving birth, your wife, girlfriend, side dish, emesse is wearing canvas shoes. This is a secret. I just got it from wikileaks!

10. Go back to the village and look for the night dancer, and ask them to give you their secrets. If you can run faster than or even longer than they can chase you, then you have qualified to become a Kiprotich.

11. The last one is very crucial because this is the key to becoming a Kiprotich. Ensure there’s a toilet at the finishing line. Eat before the race, drink before the race and hold all that in. Now get on your marks, get set, and you will have a gold medal at the end of the race.

Need we say more?

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Michael Scoffield in… Closet Break

It was reported recently, that Wentworth Miller, star of the once popular Prison Break has cut ties with the closet he has been calling home.

 

“As a gay man, I must decline,” Miller wrote in his letter. “I am deeply troubled by the current attitude toward and treatment of gay men and women by the Russian government.”  {followed by some other newsie stuff}

In Soviet Russia, Closet comes out of you!

The news has drawn a variety of reactions from his fans with some going as far as rethinking their baby making strategy. Joining us today for an interview is The closet.

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The Closet:    Thank you for having me over.

ULK:              The revelation that he was leaving you must have come as a shock, how did it go down?

The Closet:    Well, to be honest, it was a long time coming. He had become a little distant. I was accustomed to him being scowl filled, but I could sense that something
was not quite right.  But by virtue of our relationship, I suppose the signs were there.

ULK:                 How do you figure?

The Closet:    As you can see, I’m made primarily of wood. That he would take to  me so easily should have alerted me.

ULK:                 How are you handling the break up?

The Closet:    I don’t know what to say. Like I said, I should have seen it coming. I  should have read the signs…anyway, I guess it’s over.

Nze mbwasse!

Nze mbwasse!

ULK:                 Is this anything like the Ricky Martin ouster?

The Closet:    Now that you mention it, I can’t believe that I’m a fool again. But no. Ricky was never inside me to begin with.

ULK:                 Going forward, please avoid phrasing it like that.

The Closet:    Ricky didn’t hide his preference for members of the same genital group. Heck, every music video played like a personals ad…or audition, but Wenti… think about it, he was in a show where he was incarcerated, seemed to rely heavily on a gay character and had more lines adorning his body than a Van Gogh painting.

It is all so unprecedented. It’s only a matter of time before Martin Sempa comes after me accusing me of housing a resident evil.

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Ricky Martin. Unfamiliar with closets

ULK:                 So what happens now? What’s your plan going forward?

The Closet:    I don’t know. People are going to start thinking I have a problem. I seem to have more people coming out of me than a slut offering a clearance sale. I think I will have to pay more attention to the people I allow to enter me. Operate a Hotel California policy…

ULK:                 Once you’re in, you can never come out?

The Closet:    Huh?

ULK:                 Isn’t that the Hotel California policy?

The Closet:    Oh, I thought what happens in Vegas…

ULK:                 For a talking closet, you’re not very smart.

 

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The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Facebook “Likes”

Ronald Mayanja has just returned from a rigorous seminar on Facebook stuff and thought (against our better judgement) that he’d share…

“Hello there, I am new on Facebook.”

That seems like an okay status update for a starter… it has a greeting, so it’s polite. It also says you are a newbie, well, not everybody knew that, so it’s elaborate and most importantly it is grammatically correct (we will see why that’s important in a bit). It ticks all the boxes.

But what that statement really says is, “Hello, I am a virgin and I heard of this site, so I thought I’d hook up with some girls… Yes, yes, I am a jerk, but no biggie.” And you see its stuff like that that gets people blocked (in case you’ve been living under some rock, this just means the blocker will not be bothered by the same kind of posts from you anymore. It is also known as Facebook hell). Should you get any likes with such a status update, dude, go out there and buy a lottery ticket, clearly you are in bed with luck.

Be mysterious.

There's a fine line between being a paedophile and....

There’s a fine line between being a paedophile and….

“Be famous, but most importantly be mysterious. It is the stuff that people don’t know about you that makes you more interesting… this has worked for Baz. He stays away from Facebook for a while and then suddenly he says something and all the girls are pregnant for him. See, it is called Facebook but the dude has no picture on his profile… only pictures of dolls and weird looking stuff from hell. Gladly, it builds mystery hence, likes!”— Socrates

Start a page

Start a page and give it the most ridiculous name you can find. If you are not that creative, just listen in to the neighbors’ lugambo and use the entire conversation as a page name. In other words just copy and paste whatever neighbor A told neighbor B’s kid who had gone to watch TV at her house without taking a shower first.

For example… Emma Experience Your Own Shower Hour before showing up here for the BBA Shower Hour Nawe. Be in Class.

Once you are through with the name you can go on to post all kinds of stuff, from misplaced quotes to things that have nothing to do with Emma or his TV squatting tendencies sans personal hygiene.

Be warned though, these will be cartoon Likes, but it’s not a bad start for a person that is not posting pics of Mila’s Kunis.

Hi, you may know me by my other name- Meg Griffin

Hi, you may know me by my other name- Meg Griffin

God speed.

Condom Shortage In Uganda: How To Have Sex The Economically Friendly Way

Kids in Uganda are starving, ADF rebels have regrouped for fresh attacks, Egypt is politically unstable and now we know why. There’s a new shortage of condoms in the country. People are stranded and the world economy is on the brink of eternal collapse cos there seems to be no solution.

300 condoms

Well, there is. Get the popcorn. Below are the top ten UNBS-approved ways to curb the condom problem by having sex in a cost-saving manner:

1. The most common method is to wash your condom after use and use it again. And wash it again and use it again. And wash it again and use it again till it hits retirement age.

2. Don’t use the condom alone. Use it together with your partner.

3. Have sex sparingly. You can have half of it in the morning and then complete the other half later in the evening.

4. Outsource all sexual activities. You can hire interns to have sex on your behalf.

5. Have sex with people in exchange for condoms.

6. Wait for your neighbor to finish having sex and then knock to ask if they are done using their condom so you can borrow.

Sexual neighbour

7. Collect all your sex from the past, present and future and have it at once. Just like bulk SMS, bulk sex is cost-effective and comes with great discounts.

8. To avoid STDs, avoid STDs.

9. Alternatively, you can have sex quietly. That way, the viruses won’t hear you.

10. To avoid pregnancy, don’t pick up when she calls the next day.

 

Merry Christmas & Happy Intercourse!

The Summers’ Guidebook: How To Lie That You’ve Been Outside Countries And Get Away With It

For normal people, it’s easy to go outside countries. You just go to the airport, ask where planes going to your destination are parked, get on a plane of your choice, pay the conductor and go.

For Ugandans, however, it’s a whole different sausage. To go outside countries, all they do is change accents and then they become summers*. What they forget is the industry of going outside countries has continuously evolved into something much much bigger than just changing accents.

Ku siteegi

For instance, if you want people to know you visited London without revealing that it was actually London Pub in Kabalagala, simply follow the instructions below:

1. Start by disappearing. Buy a bunch of DVDs, lock yourself in the house for a week and switch off your phone.

2. For some, however, switching off the phone could prove tricky cos you have to call the DVD guy and complain about the Chinese subtitles. So it’s okay. Keep the phone on. But when people call, always make sure there’s a 5-second-delay between their questions and your answers. They should know that your words first have to board a plane before reaching them.

3. Even when you type your messages, the letters should be at least 5cm apart.

4. And whenever you update your Facebook, make sure your location is set to “Outside Countries”.

5. As soon as you come out of hiding, change your accent. Make sure there’s ‘r’ in every word. It doesn’t matter that it’s British. By law. all outside accents have to have an ‘r”.

6. “IT WAS NICE TALKING TO YOU” is wrong. “IRT WARRZ NRRICE TARRRKING TOR YOURRRRR” is correct. For a more comprehensive tutorial, tune in to the nearest Ugandan English radio station.

7. In every conversation you bump into, drop the name of something famous from outside countries. When you walk into a room of people talking about malaria in Nakapiripirit district, tell them about the Eiffel Tower you saw the other day in New York when you flew to London.

8. At this point, you may notice a confused look on their faces that almost borders anger. That’s good. It’s the “Eh mama!” look. It means they’re envious. Pull a chair and show them some pictures of other beautiful places you visited. But make sure they have no watermarks. Google Images tends to do that sometimes.

If you’ve followed instructions above, congratulations! You’re officially a summer. We wish you a pleasant stay in Uganda.

PS: This guidebook also applies to people who have travelled to countries that can just as well be reached by road. Those are not outside countries. They are districts whose funds were swindled before they could be set up.

UgaDic

*Summer

/ˈsəmər/

  • Noun
 A Ugandan who buys an American accent on the black market but forgets the instruction manual.
  • Verb
To do a summer on your friends because for them they are fake and you’re original.
  • Synonyms
Radio presenter – Even TV – Robin Kisti – That other chap on Urban TV – Dudes trying to impress chicks.

Where Are They Now? Chauncey Black from Blackstreet

 

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One of them is Chauncey. The rest are black streets

 

Q: Your name is Chauncey Black for real? And you are from a group called Blackstreet? Isn’t that kind of silly? Like me being in a group called Bazooka cos my name is Baz? It sounds really forced.

A: Actually if you read Wikipedia you will find that it was. I was nicknamed Black, and there was another guy called Stonestreet. They put the names together and made Blackstreet.

You must feel so relieved the other guy was not called MacDios. Okay. Let’s start by refreshing the memories of the readers. You were in this group called Blackstreet, a 90s R&B group who liked to spell their name as BLACKstreet but I don’t have that time.

That’s right.

Most people know the group but don’t know the members’  names due to a severe shortage in the 90s of fucks to give about that sort of thing. So maybe you could start out by telling us who else was in the group.

Well, there was me then there was Teddy Riley, the leader, then there was …. Um…. Um….. um….

Dave Hollister, Eric Williams and the Stonestreet guy?

Yes, those ones. Hell, even I don’t remember them niggas’ names.

I wikipedia’d. Now, what were some of the songs you were known for in Blackstreet?

Well, there was Booty Call, Before I Let You Go,  Don’t Leave Me, Joy…

A booty call in those days

Booty call was about this

I have never heard of that last one.

You know “Joooooooy…”

Are you sure that wasn’t Usher?

No, Usher was  “Joooooooy”. Ours was “Jooooooooooy.”

That now sounds like Kenzo.

It was our song, okay? I know that for a fact, I co-wrote it.

You are sure?

I have no doubt.

Not even a diggity?

Ah. I see what you did there.

Yes, I am a humourist. So, what happened to Blackstreet?

The truth is that what happened was white boybands came along and took over.  Nsync, Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees and such like. It was a massacre. They just came and took over the market for male harmonizing music. We didn’t stand a chance. Ask the members of Silk.

What the hell was Silk? I don’t remember anyone called Silk.

See?

But I remember NSync. They were Justin Timberlake’s Destiny’s Child.

That’s them.

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So what did you end up doing? Drugs and groupies of annually decreasing quality until you found yourself in a gutter doing crack and that hoodrat Lakeesha?

Oh, no no. Actually, it so happened that I had an B.Sc in Chem before Blackstreet and since we actually used to hit back in the days when people bought music we had some money so I was able to go back to school. Now even have a Ph.D.

That is so awesome . You mean you are Dr Black? Dude you need to get back into music. Doctor Black is too cool a stage name to pass up.

Actually, Black was kind of a nickname. My real name, is Chauncey Hannibal.

YOU ARE DOCTOR HANNIBAL? I swear you MUST get back into Showbiz. You MUST!

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