Category Archives: In The News

Where all Newses have their breakfast

Dobbi business in initial stage.

TAMALE MIRUNDI SPEAKS OUT

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As we were cleaning cobwebs from our ultra-modern ULK headquarters this morning, former presidential spokesperson, acclaimed author of the sensational pamphlet; The battle over Binazi money and one time chief dobbi in kyampisi, masaka district, Mr Tamale Mirundi just came. I took the opportunity to discuss with him several issuing affecting this country and he as usual, he offered some compelling insights that I share with you below.

Tamale Mirundi, welcome to ULK, I don’t know who invited you but let`s get started.

I was shown the way by empewo za bajajja, the winds of the grandfathers.

I worship the living God and so do our readers (at least I hope so) so Mr.Tamale, please desist from such pagan statements.

That is the polobulemu with you Africans, you don’t want to accept facts. You are myopic thinkers, me, I spent 5 years in Burma studying the konseputi of religion and its monopole by the Americans. I explain all this in my book, olumbe lwa bajajja. Go and read that book, olabe how you Africans were made stupid.

Tamale, can`t you ever make your point without insulting or abusing the audience?

If you are swimming, you have to prepare to drown. If Jesus rebuked the priests then who are you not to be insulted, nze siri maama wo.

Let`s just move to other issues, Amama Mbabazi recently sued the Museveni claiming he rigged the elections. Will the elections be nullified?

Can an impotent man claim to have impregnated a woman? Mbabazi is a non-issue, how can a man who got fewer votes than the weekly allowance I give my dogs be allowed to say such blatant lies. Ate, let me tell you, it is mbabazi who rigged these elections. No sane Uganda could have given mbabazi a vote, oba mutabufu wa mutwe.

Do you think it was right for the government to block social media after the elections?

YES!!!, let me tell you, constitution egamba, the state possesses kowaasivu stuff that it can employ if it so feels fit. Sosyo media has led to a big decline in economic growth in Uganda. Everyone is taking a selefie like a polobulemu. In China, facebook is not allowed but have you ever seen anyone die because they don’t have facebook?…answer me!!!

We are not talking about China.

When you see an elephant running, you don’t stop to ask it why it is running, you also just take off.

So now we are talking about elephants???

In litiriticha, that is called an analogue

You mean an analogy?

Nze siri muzungu

Only Bad Black…wait, Crazy Orange? Ripe Mango? Confused carrot? could confuse you with a muzungu.

Let me tell you, that is one of the sharpest women in this country. How many women have slept with men and only got STD`s? That woman got over six billion shillings, me, I remove my hat for her.

Let`s wrap this up.

It’s my boss who raps, not me.

I mean say your last words, this interview has got to end, and I have tickets for Batman vs Superman to buy.

Don’t waste your money on such, I am writing a new book, omusujja gwe`mbuzi that will levolusonayizi this country.

I`ll pass

That is the polobulemu with…

BvS tickets are running out, to be continued.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS WEEK

Election Petition

Men dressed in gowns will continue to bicker before other men and women dressed in more colorful and intricately embroidered gowns. You will need to have an advanced learner`s dictionary by your side as you listen to these learned gentlemen talk. If you find yourself dozing, it’s not your fault, law as it is done in actual court is very different from the way Denny Crane or Harvey Specter do it on your T.V. For one, the accents are very different; listening to Mwesigwa Rukutana is enough to send you into enchanted sleep for millennia.

Pilgrimages to Kasangati

Kasangati should be rebranded the Mecca and Besigye, a prophet. If you find yourself lazy, dozing and scorched by the afternoon sun, there is an activity that can spice up your afternoon. Take a trip to Kasangati and commiserate with comrade Besigye. Before this journey is undertaken however, it is necessary to use the appropriate mode of transport. If you decide to go on foot, you will be stopped 200 meters before you reach, given a thorough beating and told to go back whence you came from. If you arrive on a boda, you will be stopped 100 meters before you reach, given a thorough beating and your Boda arrested. If you decide to go by taxi, you will be stopped 50 meters before you reach, dragged into a dark blue police minivan, given a thorough beating and then thrown out of the van. Therefore I suggest you use a helicopter or a wheel barrow, we are yet to witness what happens in those cases.

Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice

It is 11 days to go till we see Batman being walloped on screen. This shouldn’t be a contest, right? It’s like bringing a stick to a nuclear war fight however count on lots CGI to make us believe that Batman can actually fight Superman. This might not seem terribly important but mismatched fights are projected to be on the increase after the premiere of this movie as small men everywhere attempt to think that they won’t be beaten into a pulp by far larger and superior beings. Think Andrew Mwenda vs Golola Moses (unless it was a war of words in which case, the victor is anyone`s guess)

Champions League Football

I need not waste words here. Arsenal will lose.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS WEEK.

Here at ULK, we delight in providing you with expert analysis and insight of the issues that will be in the headlines this week. Don’t be caught off guard, read the ULK weekly briefing.

Besigye will be arrested.

As the police continue to put some distance between them and the nearest challengers over the number of arrests of one particular individual, look forward to world record arrestee; Kiiza Besigye to be re-arrested. He will be pushed into a dark blue police minivan, sped towards an obscure police station where he will presumably eat his lunch, drink evening tea and then taken back home just in time for supper. This is a process that will re-occur several times in the week.

Weather forecast.

You know how your bed turns into a blazing furnace at night and you twist and turn in the bed looking for a cold spot for some relief. Well, you will continue looking for that spot this week and still not find it.  The sun will continue to burn you until you wish you lived in an igloo. However, our resident weather predictor says there may be a brief drizzle on Wednesday morning which will make the sun so angry that you will wish to migrate to the Sahara desert.

U.S Presidential primaries.

The clown circus that is the US presidential primaries will take its rodeo into another 11 states in what is known Super Tuesday on 1st March. Donald Trump; chief clown and noted hair products enthusiast is poised to win in several states as he seeks to become the Republican presidential nominee. If this dude ever becomes U.S president, prepare to migrate to another planet as his strategy for dealing with his enemies is, in his own words to “bomb the shit out of them”. This is a guy who called his southern neighbors, the Mexicans; rapists, criminals and killers.  How do you think he feels about Africans? I suggest you get packing.

March is on its way.

February will give way to March as 2016 continues to hurtle along. March is the month it becomes abundantly clear that you were impersonating Mabirizi when you set the New Year resolutions. I mean, just look at Besigye, he was expecting to be president-elect by now. Instead, he now has to ask for permission in case he wants to use a latrine outside his house.

Caution; The 29th of February is the only day of the year that it is considered acceptable for a woman to propose to a man. If you see your chic getting down on one knee, she has the full backing of international conventions and customs. Also, say yes because you didn’t the cohunes to do it in the first place.

Elections.                          

On 2nd and 4th there will be elections for Chairpersons, PWD`s, Older persons, Youth and women councilors etc. but I know the burning question is whether there will be a public holiday?

No, there will not be public holiday.

How To Avoid Getting Stuck in Mbarara.

It is said that KQ, the Pride of Africa with the exception of a few areas, had President Museveni stuck after failing to pick him from Mbarara.

Stuck

First, who or what is Mbarara?

Mbarara is a landlocked country in Uganda that can be accessed by air or by milk. Its economy thrives mostly on the exportation of politicians and fake accents used in the production of struggling radio ads.

So how then did President Museveni get stuck in a country filled with such great promise? It could be any of two reasons.

  1. KQ’s planes do not have the capacity to carry all of 28 years in power.
  2. Air Uganda & Uganda Airlines fell in love and eloped.

But not to worry. Studies show that there are 10 possible ways to avoid getting stuck in Mbarara.

  1. Call KQ customer service and ask them to send a plane.
  2. Wonder what’s wrong, call back and ask KQ to forget the plane and just send a pilot.
  3. If the pilot is still in the toilet, ask KQ to send a cab.
  4. Ask KQ to ask Air Uganda to pick you.
  5. Called Sula the boda guy and ask him to pick fuel from KQ and come for you.
  6. Call President Kenyatta and report KQ.
  7. Call KQ customer service and ask if they’ve received a threat from President Kenyatta.
  8. Call back and ask why the hell they just hang up on you.
  9. Update your facebook as inquiries are made.
  10. If still stuck, you should probably just take a taxi.

Letter to Senior Six ‘vacists’

Yo, wassup, peeps? You be how, all ye? Are you kawa? Maato? Suzie? Jo? I know you be on pressure now ‘cause Bukenya has released those things and stuff be’s tight like bums. How is vac, anyway? Did you lose your virginities? If you had lost them in P2, did you lose them again in vac? See, vacation is where you do all crazy things because, if you are a guy, your balls are heavier than before and your parents will look at you in fear because your voice is deeper than a crater lake. If you are a girl, you have now morphed into a chic with a considerable larger behind and two larger things on your chest and so, the law allows you to put on a wig.

In vacation, I understand you played more computer games than their founders. I mean, for the rich kids, that is. For the poor, broke kids, you played hide and seek. It is fun. Actually, hide and seek is more fun, than those overrated gadgetry. Are you even on WhatsApp? Of course you are. If you aren’t, you lied to your friends that you are on WhatsApp, but your iPhone has bizibu. It is understandable. You have bizibu yourself. Did you go partying? If you didn’t, slap yourself hard in the face and say, “I am a fool.”

Now the results are back. You had your names on Coca-Cola bottles, but your names were not on your school’s notes board, because you failed GP. Because by that time you were sleeping. Because you only got 2 points. Because education is overrated. Because Bill Gates didn’t go far with education but he is now too far with dimes. You see that? You subscribed that school of thought. And here you are, your fingers dipped in your nose. You will be fine, Kaggwa. In vac, before I forget, I hope you wrapped some latex on that stiff thing. Did you, Aizo? Come on, Isaac, talk to me. Did you wear? Because in vacation, you have all the sacks of time and you can decide to give time to fellas who don’t have it because you have it in plenty and you are bound to screw up. It will screw you up. Kati, the bibuzo. Don’t worry about them. You passed. You are happy. But they shouldn’t blur your sight. Enjoy the moment now like a sea fisherman, because you don’t know what the sea will be like tomorrow. Campus is right at the corner and there, sir, sh** will be tighter.

They have no prep, but they have lectures you must attend. They have no bells, you will have to borrow clocks to keep time. They won’t call you for meals in the dining hall as though rolex stalls were evicted. They don’t have uniforms, carry a mini skirt. They are not girls in maroon and pink things and go-back-to-school stockings, there are aspiring socialites there.

 

But for now, enjoy your vacation.

Sseya’s Resignation Letter

Digged Out By Tom Rwahwire, The Legendary

Say Yeah

From: My names am Cold All Hajj Nasser Ssebbaggalla
To: Those of NRM

Re: Resignational Letter

Well Done

Me as Sseya am righting here to officially declare how am withdrawing my behind from you NRM.

This is due to many fax. Me I don’t like speculations, unless it is speculation of glasses to make me look more in delligents. I only deal in fax.

Fax number one: You deceived me that I was minister of Polio. Then now I hear there is campaign to radicate all Polio from Uganda. Now if there is no polio I will be minister of what. That is not a question. You have found me looking. I withdraw my behind.

Fax Number Two: I told you desire was my private parts. Instead you members of NRM sharing the photo of her nakedity on the NRM Whatsapp. Me do I fwd pix of your side dishes? I just chaw them and keep quiet. See your lives.

Fax number three: You hoes ain’t loyal. I wasn’t borne last night. When Amama was dismitted from prime impex you could not even DM me to see if I wanted? Okay keep. #YOLO

Those are all the fax I give. Look at them.

Now, you want me to tell you where I am going now that I have relieved myself from NRM.

First of all, as you all a wear, Sseya is big pimping. I am going to get sectual entercose from famous sex cymbals. Yeah. Who needs English with game this strong? You talk in English while I shag in Luganda.

Secondry am going to make a new party. DP are wiseacring on me. They don’t know I slept with their side dishes last night.

So am going to join Gagamel we make gagamel a political party. Gagamel has power. They have a generater. Then we make Bebe stand in twenty thouthand sickisiteen. Then he make me Minister of Polio AND also coccodiosis.

Then NRM comes to put behind on me I will kick it.

Nice Time
Sseya.

Miss Uganda tipped to be Miss World. This is what her old friends and citizens said

When her beautifulness Leah Kalanguka was announced Miss Uganda, locals, naysayers, haters, ugly people, idlers and a horde of important people in the government of social media seemed surprised and, poof, they were up to the races; spilling vitriol and engaging in hate drivel. Their sisters, all along, were tethered by the bedside and they couldn’t go for auditions. They missed. They climbed up ladders and shouted themselves hoarse. Mbu she wasn’t beautiful enough. Mbu her face looked like she was mulched. Mbu she looked as if an ox walked all over her face. Mbu she was as if terraced.

However, news filtering in have it that the deemed mulched Leah might run away with the Miss World crown. She started from the bottom and now she is thoooose ends. We tried to call the Editor of Daily Mail (who ranked her) to comment about it, but his phones had blacked out. So, we combed Leah’s area of residence where we chanced upon folks who knew her when she was toothless and concerned citizens of this beautiful nation. This is what they had to say. Read below.

 

Mpatalyona Richard (her ex). I used to tell her that she was the most beautiful woman in the world. The whole world, even Busoga inclusive. Even after she moved on, she meant the world to me. When is the voting and I vote?

Kirikuwiine Esteria (her best friend). You mean Layer? Nga she never told me that she was standing for that post! Kyoka that ka-girl. I won’t even vote for her *shoves mouth in the nose*

Byoboona (her former classmate). I knew it. She used to draw the map of the world at the back of her 32-paged books.

Balyanango Joseph (Business Associate): Oh, have you been talking to her? She is lost. I don’t even know where she went. Please tell her that the other hen she loved so much gave birth to 12 chicks. The eagle took the 13th.

Bebe Cool (a homeless citizen): Ask me about Zuena, please. Booombocl…wait, is she related to Bobi Wine?

Bizzu (Former, out-going, semi-current, ever around Miss Uganda): Now haayreers can go to hell. Shiz ma gal en shi ganna win.

Desire Luzinda (Former Miss Popularity Contestant): Much as I drew attention from her to myself, I think, she is a bewriful girl. She is gonna win the trophy. Peace!

Frank Gashumba (A loud object): Is she more beautiful than Sheila? First confirm. If the answer is negative, then vacate my house.

Sheila Gashumba (Facebook friend): What Frank said.

Army Commander (Her sponsor): Leah is the bomb, eh. If she returns with the crown, I might consider sending her to Somalia to help sensitize people about farming peacefully.

Fr. Lokodo (Morality Enforcing Department): Forgive me, Father, for I have seen.

Cecelia Ogwal (Former Miss Uganda): Who?

Lake Victoria sold: What the gov’t might tell people

Lake Victoria. The biggest pond in East Africa. The ninth continental lake in the world. A lake that brings together the three major East African states-Uganda, Kenya and Tanzania. A lake that is a home to gazillion fish, a few crocodiles, a fictitious whale, millions of frogs, Mgingo Islands, billions of molecules of water, et al. A lake discovered by John Hanning Speke. The locals that lived on its shores (then, Lake Nalubaale) never knew that they lived around a lake. As John Speke came here on vacation. He was taking an early morning stroll, head lowered on his phone and tweeting to his folks in Europe telling them how Africa is really a jungle. A bright African sun warm on his bearded face. He, absentmindedly, stepped in water, nearly drowning. He was stunned, surprised even. He called the locals and they joined him in surprise. He had discovered it. Ah, re-visit your history books.

And that lake, folks, is being sold off. The government can sell anything, duh. It can wake up and sell your mangoes and you won’t do anything about it. It wears the pants in here. It runs this town, like Jay Z would say. It is selling off the lake. The fishermen have been told to migrate to Lake Kyoga. The citizenry might be up in arms in denial, though. However, this is what the government might tell them.

. We are selling off the lake so that the investors can expand it to other countries, like Rwanda, Burundi and Southern Sudan, who have joined the East Africa community. The investors are willing to expand it.

. Don’t say we are being picky on who to sell it to. Anyone willing to buy it can bring a saucepan, jerry can, cups, spoons, or your hands and buy all you want. The prices are low.

. Because those are fake beaches full of mud and smelly water and hyacinth. We went there over the weekend and got disinterested and bored. We decided to sell it off.

. Because the investors told us that they can take that water back home and come up with something really cool that can benefit this country financially. We didn’t think twice. We sold it.

. Because someone walked in our office, found us taking dry tea, and sold us the idea. We decided to sell it off. Maybe it’s because of the dry tea we were taking. Ask Tamale Mirundi and see.

. Because, uhm, Equatorial Guinea.

. Because we are the government of Uganda. We sell things.

. Because we wanted to tell Kenya and Tanzania that we can sell it and they do nooooothing.

. Why are you even asking?

Why Create New Districts? An Interview With Govt’s Department Of Districts.

To date, Uganda has granted asylum to more than 110 districts, making it the districtest country in the world. But even then, recently, a parliamentary committee recommended the creation of five new districts. To explain the meaning of this, we kidnapped a government official from the department of districts for an interview.

Thank you for honouring our invitation, sir.

It was irresistible.

Head of Districts

Let’s delve right in. We want to talk to you about districts.

No problem. You want one?

Uganda now has 111 districts. And yet you’re still creating more.

Yes, a lot of people are winning.

Winning?

Yes. We have this promotion. It’s a Christmas promo we do every year. Next year we’ll give out ten new districts.

What’s the promo about?

It’s dubbed ‘Who Wants A District’ and participants have to be Ugandan to qualify. Those who are not Ugandan are required to lie that they are Ugandan before they become eligible.

How exactly are the districts given out?

They are transported from parliament-we use Fusos mostly-and taken to where the winners stay. Depending on the level of winning, the districts can come with added bonuses. The top winner gets a district complete with people inside, the first runner-up gets an empty district, and the second runner-up gets just people.

Where does he put the people if he has no district?

Well, that depends on him. We try not to tell them what to do with their prizes.

I see. Aren’t you concerned that with all these annual promos, the number of districts may, at some point, become too big?

There’s nothing like too many districts, my friend. Districts are like air. Can there be too much air?

That’s not really a fitting analogy.

Exactly. Without air, we all die.

But I don’t see how…

Look, do you read the Bible?

Occasionally, yes.

There’s a verse that says, “Innovation distinguishes between a leader and a follower.”

That’s Steve Jobs.

What it basically means is those who don’t have districts are followers. And we as a country want to be leaders.

I think you’re reading the wrong Bible.

And that’s why we need districts.

How To Bag That Vote For President

It’s gonna be an election year in a couple of months and you know what that means. That’s right, the candidates are going to go to outrageous lengths to swing the youth vote their way. The incumbent took to rap as a means of showing that he was hip and cool and all that, but how is he going to get people to take notice come next election period, you don’t actually want another rap, do you? {I’m intentionally being vague seeing as the elections may or may not be in 2016 depending on how the decision makers feel about freebies around that time}

Has anyone considered the possibility he was actually voting by touchscreen?

Has anyone considered the possibility he was actually voting by touchscreen?

Turns out, M7 has already started with the ”Cool-cool” already by jumping on the selfie bandwagon, so now all that remains is to see how the opposition is going to even the playing field. With rap and photography already done and dusted, there’s only so much you can do…

TROLLING :  Verb | The art of deliberately, cleverly, and secretly pissing people off, usually via the internet, using dialogue.

The most likely candidate to pull this off is Warren B. He has proven that he has the chops to annoy people by merely walking, imagine what he can do if he really applied himself? Of course there is still that hurdle he has to jump over; getting the president to accept his friendship request on facebook. While he waits, he can hope to high heavens that the selfie the president took appears on instagram or twitter where he can post remarks such as, “At least I have the foresight to keep my eyes open in photos lol”

FOXING: Verb | Claiming you will do something and then not delivering at the last minute

You can NOT, and I repeat NOT {to be able to make my word limit}, get any more youthful than this. Scores of young uns are familiar with the concept and are usually easy to recognise as the ones that have been forced to share that bottle of krest in the club because their sponsor ‘foxed’. In case you are reading this and thinking, “Hang on a minute, I know a guy that did that,” you’re right, but I doubt Otunnu will be rehashing that move. What is this, his taste in fashion?

TWIRRA: Popular online destination for people with stage fright to express a brief 140 character long opinion

Now this is not really very conducive for our politicians because, let’s face it, even when they shouldn’t, they have a lot to say. Think birthday parties for instance, “I would like to wish this young girl a happy birthday. Happy birthday young girl. May you grow up to be a force of change. Let the people who see you allow! The struggle is real. Speaking of struggles, when we first had elections, we didn’t think things would come to this. But you see how they have become. Anyway, God is there. But you need to also hope for free and fair elections. A country without these, is no country for old men. You see us here, but there will be blood. As you look around you, take not of the faces. Some of these people don’t wish you well. They are cubs in lambs’ clothing. Do you know what a cub is? Actually, they are the mafia…” … and that’s the guy you will expect to follow on twitter?

SEX TAPES: Let’s save this one for the Guild Elections article

HANGING OUT AT THE NEW MALLS; KFC, PLANET YOGHURT, LA PATISERRIE, CINEMAS etc

The problem with this is you can not shake off the feeling that it will eventually turn messy with the politician trying to convince you that it is in your best interest to actually pay for his meal. Failing that, the conversation will get drawn out unnecessarily with people observing that the mini-skirt law didn’t actually kick in, or, and this happened to me, there are greater threats than that stupid law after all; People who go to these places for the sheer sake of doing maalo and having their pictures taken. FACT. Just because you posed in front of one of ours, there’s no real reason the person at the visa office will let you go and pose in front of one of theirs.

PHOTOBOMBING: The act of showing up uninvited in someone else’s photograph.

This is fast gaining traction and there is no real reason a politician shouldn’t leap on this particular bandwagon. All they need to know before hand is that for a photobomb to work, they need to actually be the secondary party in the shot. It does not make sense for someone to wrap their hands around you like some needy octopus clamoring for attention and then smugly declaring, “Ha, I exploded your photograph”