Category Archives: In The News

Where all Newses have their breakfast

Why Create New Districts? An Interview With Govt’s Department Of Districts.

To date, Uganda has granted asylum to more than 110 districts, making it the districtest country in the world. But even then, recently, a parliamentary committee recommended the creation of five new districts. To explain the meaning of this, we kidnapped a government official from the department of districts for an interview.

Thank you for honouring our invitation, sir.

It was irresistible.

Head of Districts

Let’s delve right in. We want to talk to you about districts.

No problem. You want one?

Uganda now has 111 districts. And yet you’re still creating more.

Yes, a lot of people are winning.

Winning?

Yes. We have this promotion. It’s a Christmas promo we do every year. Next year we’ll give out ten new districts.

What’s the promo about?

It’s dubbed ‘Who Wants A District’ and participants have to be Ugandan to qualify. Those who are not Ugandan are required to lie that they are Ugandan before they become eligible.

How exactly are the districts given out?

They are transported from parliament-we use Fusos mostly-and taken to where the winners stay. Depending on the level of winning, the districts can come with added bonuses. The top winner gets a district complete with people inside, the first runner-up gets an empty district, and the second runner-up gets just people.

Where does he put the people if he has no district?

Well, that depends on him. We try not to tell them what to do with their prizes.

I see. Aren’t you concerned that with all these annual promos, the number of districts may, at some point, become too big?

There’s nothing like too many districts, my friend. Districts are like air. Can there be too much air?

That’s not really a fitting analogy.

Exactly. Without air, we all die.

But I don’t see how…

Look, do you read the Bible?

Occasionally, yes.

There’s a verse that says, “Innovation distinguishes between a leader and a follower.”

That’s Steve Jobs.

What it basically means is those who don’t have districts are followers. And we as a country want to be leaders.

I think you’re reading the wrong Bible.

And that’s why we need districts.

How To Bag That Vote For President

It’s gonna be an election year in a couple of months and you know what that means. That’s right, the candidates are going to go to outrageous lengths to swing the youth vote their way. The incumbent took to rap as a means of showing that he was hip and cool and all that, but how is he going to get people to take notice come next election period, you don’t actually want another rap, do you? {I’m intentionally being vague seeing as the elections may or may not be in 2016 depending on how the decision makers feel about freebies around that time}

Has anyone considered the possibility he was actually voting by touchscreen?

Has anyone considered the possibility he was actually voting by touchscreen?

Turns out, M7 has already started with the ”Cool-cool” already by jumping on the selfie bandwagon, so now all that remains is to see how the opposition is going to even the playing field. With rap and photography already done and dusted, there’s only so much you can do…

TROLLING :  Verb | The art of deliberately, cleverly, and secretly pissing people off, usually via the internet, using dialogue.

The most likely candidate to pull this off is Warren B. He has proven that he has the chops to annoy people by merely walking, imagine what he can do if he really applied himself? Of course there is still that hurdle he has to jump over; getting the president to accept his friendship request on facebook. While he waits, he can hope to high heavens that the selfie the president took appears on instagram or twitter where he can post remarks such as, “At least I have the foresight to keep my eyes open in photos lol”

FOXING: Verb | Claiming you will do something and then not delivering at the last minute

You can NOT, and I repeat NOT {to be able to make my word limit}, get any more youthful than this. Scores of young uns are familiar with the concept and are usually easy to recognise as the ones that have been forced to share that bottle of krest in the club because their sponsor ‘foxed’. In case you are reading this and thinking, “Hang on a minute, I know a guy that did that,” you’re right, but I doubt Otunnu will be rehashing that move. What is this, his taste in fashion?

TWIRRA: Popular online destination for people with stage fright to express a brief 140 character long opinion

Now this is not really very conducive for our politicians because, let’s face it, even when they shouldn’t, they have a lot to say. Think birthday parties for instance, “I would like to wish this young girl a happy birthday. Happy birthday young girl. May you grow up to be a force of change. Let the people who see you allow! The struggle is real. Speaking of struggles, when we first had elections, we didn’t think things would come to this. But you see how they have become. Anyway, God is there. But you need to also hope for free and fair elections. A country without these, is no country for old men. You see us here, but there will be blood. As you look around you, take not of the faces. Some of these people don’t wish you well. They are cubs in lambs’ clothing. Do you know what a cub is? Actually, they are the mafia…” … and that’s the guy you will expect to follow on twitter?

SEX TAPES: Let’s save this one for the Guild Elections article

HANGING OUT AT THE NEW MALLS; KFC, PLANET YOGHURT, LA PATISERRIE, CINEMAS etc

The problem with this is you can not shake off the feeling that it will eventually turn messy with the politician trying to convince you that it is in your best interest to actually pay for his meal. Failing that, the conversation will get drawn out unnecessarily with people observing that the mini-skirt law didn’t actually kick in, or, and this happened to me, there are greater threats than that stupid law after all; People who go to these places for the sheer sake of doing maalo and having their pictures taken. FACT. Just because you posed in front of one of ours, there’s no real reason the person at the visa office will let you go and pose in front of one of theirs.

PHOTOBOMBING: The act of showing up uninvited in someone else’s photograph.

This is fast gaining traction and there is no real reason a politician shouldn’t leap on this particular bandwagon. All they need to know before hand is that for a photobomb to work, they need to actually be the secondary party in the shot. It does not make sense for someone to wrap their hands around you like some needy octopus clamoring for attention and then smugly declaring, “Ha, I exploded your photograph”

 

 

Me I Was Misquoted: Minister Denies Banning Miniskirts

Last year, Uganda’s Minister of Miniskirts Simon Lokodo told women to stay off miniskirts. This year, we find out that it wasn’t meant in the “don’t wear them” sense, but in the “don’t do anything bad to them because they are precious to me” sense.

Here’s our interview with the Regional Head of Miniskirts.

Loko

ULK: Good morning, Simon Lokodo.

Loko: Well done.

ULK: Let’s dig right in.

Loko: I didn’t dig into my wife’s phone last night to check if she was playing sex with other men. I was misquoted.

ULK: No, that’s…WHAT?!

Loko: You talked about digging.

ULK: LOL.

Loko: So you didn’t talk about digging? Meaning you were misquoted?

ULK: No!

Loko: Which means you were misquoted. Now do you get my precament?

ULK: Predicament.

Loko: What did I say?

ULK: Precament.

Loko: I was misquoted.

ULK: Must be your favourite excuse.

Loko: We’ve know each other from way back.

ULK: You and the excuse?

Loko: Yes. We first met in primary school when my P.3 science teacher accused me of calling someone a baboon.

ULK: And you were misquoted?

Loko: Yes. I didn’t call someone a baboon. I called somebody a baboon. There’s a difference.

ULK: Is that what happened when you banned miniskirts?

Loko: Yes.

ULK: What exactly did you say?

Loko: That they are banned and women should not wear them.

ULK: And how were you misquoted?

Loko: Do you want some tea? Coffee? I just remembered I didn’t offer you anything. Which, if you think about it, is very shameful for a whole Minister of Integrity. Where are my integrities?

ULK: Mister Lokodo, I have a really long day today. There are movies I have to watch and drinks I have to finish. Can we get back to the issue please?

Loko: Oh yes, tea or coffee?

ULK: Miniskirts.

Loko: I have only tea and coffee.

ULK: Did you or did you not ban miniskirts?

Loko: Yes.

ULK: Yes, you did, or yes, you did not?

Loko: Yes.

ULK: Lokodo, did you ban miniskirts?

Loko: Fffssshhh…fffssssshhhhhh…Hello? Hello? I can’t hear you! I’m driving through a tunnel.

ULK: Boss, this is not a phone interview. Stop playing.

Loko: Fffssshhh…krrrrrrr…fffsssshhhhh…I can’t hear you! Helloooo?

ULK: Good day.

Loko: Now I can hear you.

Duties & Responsibilities Of The Uganda Police Fire Brigade

Owino market has caught fire for the fourth time and everyone is hurling blame at the Fire Brigade for not acting in time, always. Well, for starters, they are called the ‘Fire Brigade’ not ‘Fire Fighters’. Yes, fire is their business but not flames. Flames are not good people. So don’t get it twisted. According to the constitution, the Uganda Police Fire Brigade is responsible for:

1. Firing employees.

2. Firing up crowds.

3. Getting fired up for parties.

4. Singing Fireman by Lil Wayne.

5. Watching Man on Fire by Denzel Washington.

6. Cheering wildly as this guy from Fantastic Four does his thing.

NRM fire dude

7. Firing teargas when Besigye walks.

8. Firing answers when journalists fire questions.

9. Looking for fire to light their cigarettes.

10. Calling the radio and asking the DJ for Firefly by Owl City.

11. Downloading porn using Firefox.

12. Anything but stopping fires. Cos fires are adults. They don’t need to be coerced into stopping.

Mixtape Image

The University Mixtapes!

Sometime last week, some UCU and MUBS students made a mixtape of their bodies. It was so off the charts it went viral underground. The best part is, now people want the full album. Their mixtape was awesome it got people talking. It was so awesome we momentarily forgot Kendrick Lamar’s Control verse. Yeah, that serious. It was so awesome you need to read this too. So, I thought to myself, why not make a mixtape of my own.

Mixtape Image

I don’t think that you are ready ‘fi dis

Track 1: Burn Them feat Game.

Now, if you are into making mixtapes with bodies, remember burn, delete, delete from recycle bin. Have NO evidence. We all know some of you have it on you bucket lists, not sure how deep (the buckets) they are, but if you have it, make it and burn it. Remove all evidence of causing an eclipse because you don’t want people travelling to your Pakwach and asking for district rights for having such a magnificent sight.

Track 2: Get off my Phone feat Ludacris.

I don’t know about you, but mixtapes are personal and so are the gadgets used to make them. Screen protect, lock, swipe and delete all whatsapp groups that might have access to your phone. Make sure you hire security to guard your phone while you are sleeping and stop being nice to friends who want to make phone calls or text their friends from your phone. They just might be texting and whatsapping themselves your video.

Track 3: In the Bedroom feat 50 Cent

I walked into my bedroom and thoroughly checked for any hidden cameras. None the less, if you made any mixtape and don’t want to take credit, make sure your faces are not shown. Make sure that your face is also not part of the rapping such that people think its fake. This track is especially for people who are courageous enough to download BBM on android phones.

Track 4: Imagine Us (read a***) feat Kirk Franklin

Mixtapes of the bodies are never supposed to go viral. Let alone, we are not supposed to release them to the public that’s why they are always made underground. I just don’t understand people who do this thing above ground (during the day and in the light unlike in the dark). Again, mixtapes of the body are not done in HD like one of the rappers seemed to indicate while being wrapped by another. So, if you have high tech gadgets, keep them to yourself.

Track 5: Yesu Bera Naffe feat That woman who sang this song

For those with morals, kindly revise your bucket list. For us(not me)  who still want to make our mixtapes of the bodies, please, kindly go ahead. But listen carefully to the lyrics of the songs above.

Track 6: Solidad feat West Life

Where’s the solidarity? I also don’t know but if your friends are quick to give away your mixtape as fast as these ones did, and also make an appearance on the crazed black pepper newspapers for rappers to give you shout outs, telling us how you started from the bottom and rode up to the climax, then this song is for your hurt soul. It surely will speak to you.

Anyway. . .

Started from the bottom, now we here!

Started from the bottom, now we here!

I want to give a shout out to the readers, even the kafulu who’s poking their head just to read this awesome article. We love you and stay tuned for the next mixtape coming to a whatsapp near you.

Sex And The univerCITY; A Campuser’s Diary

Dear diary,

I have come to you in my darkest hour because if I go to the internet, it may leak like that sex tape everyone is talking about. Funny thing about that incident, the only thing that leaked was the tape. I don’t know if anyone else noticed that… even the tap water was not flowing. Kyoka campusers. LOL {Lots of Libido}.

Anyway, me I’m not amused, as in, what was up with the soaping action? I’m surprised Sempa hasn’t come out to decry the potential sodomy that was there. Wabula, people can be dry, at least in prison movies they fast wait for you to drop the soap. This guy didn’t want to wait. Naye I get where he was coming from, campus can be hard. You get?

As in, coming…hard… I wonder what soap he used.

I think Lifebuoy is the one they usually use for such dodgy acts, but I don’t think he would have been able to sustain his attention with the smell of that soap. Munange diary, I remember those days of Lifebuoy. The thing would even stain your hands. Kale he should have just used Geisha, he would have lasted longer, oba.

But campusers can also be competitive. Not in class, obviously, but outside…or inside, depending on how you look at it. Kati guys are saying there are 400 more sex tapes that leaked. None of them is from that ka-boy Chris Thomas which sucks. Me when I skive classes on campus it is to watch movies, not to star in them. Things can change.

But you know what, I think maybe I am speaking from a place of beef. I think if I had a smartphone I would have also experimented. But I can imagine already…

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Eh, but that can chew my airtime mob, but at least it won’t leak in the papers or facebook. But who would recognise me anyway? Zerros can overtie on me though. It’s like that time I jumped the wall. Fithe was on my fresh, mbu I had climbed the wall. I told him to prove it and he pointed at my freshly broken hand. I was in pain, but I convinced him it was April Fool’s. Kyoka Old timers!

But how did they convince that chick also them? Oba what’s the going rate? She didn’t even look high, but the way she just bent over, proper pro just! I think she has been to prison before, no one bends with such gas without experiencing the penile code… oba is that supposed to be the penal code. Kasta it’s a code of some sort.

Naye now, this other dude who was filming them, is he bisexual? How can he conc be there looking at his peeps. Atte in clothes. At least he would have lied mbu he will join them in a bit, then, when they are not looking, he screams that soap has entered his eyes. Then, when the pals are there telling him mbu, sorry, what, he would have said to the guy, me I’m easy, now even you enter her eye. Vibing 101.

–          A Campuser

 

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The Acholi finally famous!

It was announced earlier that Uganda would be getting its first ever total lunar eclipse somewhere in Acholi land next month. This news was received with proclamation that 30,000 tourists will come into the country to see the total lunar eclipse. We contacted the Minister for Internal Affairs and asked him a few questions about this total lunar eclipse and his is what he had to say.

ACHOLI-DANCE

We finally famous…we finally famous!

US: So, good news, Uganda getting a total lunar eclipse, what do you have to say about that?

Minister: I am glad you came to me. Finally, I can now add to my C.V that I was the first minister to bring in a total lunar eclipse in all of Uganda. I can now brag to my other ministers. In fact, I just sent a petition to government to increase my salary for bringing in a total lunar eclipse. You see, I went to the NASA and asked them personally if they can bring the lunar eclipse to Uganda and they allowed. This makes me a man of importance in this country.

US: So minister, you’ve still not answered our question?

Minister: You see, when I was in primary school, our teachers used to tell us about these things, and now, I can go and tell my teachers finally that I brought them a total lunar eclipse. I am now cool like that.

US: But aren’t your teachers not teaching any more Minister?

Minister: Well, I will go to the school and ask for them to put a monument of me as the first Ugandan to bring the moon to Uganda.

US: But Minister, we know that the total lunar eclipse is going to be in Pakwach?

medicine-man_pvs-photography

Shit, who took the lights out?!

Minister: Eh! You are serious. Let me call the president and tell him that we need a minister for Pakwach Lunar Affairs (PLA) now. You see the government needs to capitalize on such opportunities. We are going to create more jobs for the people in Acholi.

US: What about the 30,000 tourists you said would be coming to see the lunar eclipse?

Minister: 30,000? They first need to ask visa from my office and if they don’t give me my ka-chai, I cannot allow them into my country. Besides, we also have other tourist attractions like Jennifer Musisi’s lawns and trees with tires in them in the city centre. I really like that woman but she’s hard to ku kwana.

US: Jennifer Musisi’s trees with tires?

Minister: Wangi?

US: So, Minister, what about the people of Pakwach, what do you have to say to them about the lunar eclipse?

acholi warrior_2

We really need to stop and ask for directions.

Minister: For a long time when I was studying social studies, I wanted to know why those people were black. I think now that the total lunar eclipse is coming, those questions will be answered. In fact, we have sent a research team from government to buy land where the total lunar eclipse shall fall. Then we shall tell NSSF to buy land there. That land is very important. The country needs to invest in land where the total lunar eclipse has fallen.

US: Thank you minister for your time.

Minister: Ate my ka chai. This interview is not for free.

US: Actually, the people from Pakwach are the Alur.

Minister: Ok bye.

NSSF Torches CSR As We Know It

So, on 0ctober 24th, Uganda’s largest piggy-bank, the National Social Security Fund, held The Torch awards at the Sheraton Kampala Hotel to recognize the work done by private institutions and individuals. Over 100 people and institutions registered for nomination (including those that thought they could piece up a project in their briefcases and hope it seems legit on nomination night). Their efforts were commended but only those projects that were found legitimate were awarded. Five winners were awarded from the 15 nominated projects. Seeing how the numbers were narrowed down, the awards themselves come off as legitimate… which is a good thing I think.

Anyway, the night kicked off with a cocktail party complete with drum wielding traditional dance troupes; you know the ones that are paid hefty sums of money to help keep the atmosphere semi apocalyptic! It is here that sharks draped  in business garb and members of the fourth estate (yours truly) downed a good portion of your money at the open bars. Thankyouverymuch.

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After that guests were ushered into Sheraton hotel’s Victoria ballroom. And it is there, three tables from ours, that Prince Wasajja, HRH Naginda, NSSF MD Richard Byaruhanga and several other NSSF staff, clad in their well pressed old people clothes and drinking from white chinaware sat and watched the proceedings of the nigh1196_665626290123170_1485714711_n

The stage was already set and waiters were waiting at snapping distance. I was served some stuff that tasted like salty porridge with mushrooms in it. I had to tell myself…

“Self, you are at the Sheraton, what is the worst that can happen! Come on don’t be local, just eat the damn porridge!”

The hosts of the evening were Roger Mugisha and UBC’s Jane Kasumba (I wonder what she is still doing at UBC with her gorgeous NTV legs). The duo endeavored to stay away from that accent thingy that has become a fad with Emcees nowadays, and I believe they did a good job. And isn’t it amazing how Roger Mugisha made the switch from Slim Master P to Johnny ‘freaking’ Cash! It is actually that fact, of him transforming from a casual worshiper of Satan to a perfect Christian suit that makes him a fascinating MC.

“We receive over 20 proposals a week from people asking us to contribute and offer support to all kinds projects. Including their weddings…” says Richard Byaruhanga, Managing Director, NSSF.

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“The Torch Awards is something we came up with so that we help those projects that we feel deserve to be supported, and also cut down on the paperwork— this is a new and unique form of CSR and we hope other companies will emulate this,” he added.

Dinner was served, with Qwela band belting off some of the most awful sounds I have heard at a dinner. Ever. Okay, not ever! But it is one thing to stay calm and not do a thing even if you very well know that you can just simply walk up to this guy and punch him in the mouth.

I must commend the Sheraton Hotel for having an entirely local menu that didn’t suck! Awards were presented to winners, and we heard speeches from HRH Slyvia Nagginda and Comedian Herbert ‘Museveni’ Segujja.  Segujja’s impersonations of Museveni are something of impressive, but they also keep you on the look out. I mean what happens after the real sevo walks in…

PSA: Ask Not What Buganda Can Do For You…

We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming for this kalango.

The official way of looking at it…

Oct 2013: Kabaka of Buganda commissions the MTN Uganda Mobile Money collection platform for the Buganda Kingdom development initiatives

Our take:

Welcome to another exciting edition of WHO WANTS TO SPONSOR A MONARCHY? I see you scratching your head wondering, ‘another’? That’s right, another, this is that exciting event that’s got the whole world doing a little something for their royal family. The UK is still collecting facial expressions for the queen mother and as we write this, they are first approaching smiles. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, SMILES.

But this craze is not just in bulaya. Walahi, even here next door, the wonderful albeit clothes deficient people of Swaziland are still breeding beautiful young girls for the king to pick whenever he feels like it. The government is getting involved too; they have banned the importation of bras into the South African country. And men are getting in on the action. Last we heard, there has been a resurgence in the use of the popular pick up line, “let me introduce you to a friend that will treat you like a princess”.

So where do you come in? It’s simple, Uganda, like most countries that are NOT Russia, has kingdoms. And like most kingdoms, that are NOT America, these are headed by a king or queen…or a tree. The wonderful people at MTN have made it easy for you to help the Kabaka go about his development initiatives. Oh, and here’s the best part, you won’t even have to vacate your seat. You just need to whip out your phone, go to the Mobile Money menu and send your contribution to help with developing the place.

You know how you keep looking at kids, wondering what they are taught these days? Well, my friend, that little brown thing wearing glitter and denying that she stole your Long Island Ice Tea, could benefit from a school.

Think of it this way, if you buy her a drink in the club, or even hand her money, you’re corrupting her morals. Now you can look her in the eye and say, NO! I will put up with your shit no longer, I will send you to school and before she can roll said eye, whip out your phone and contribute to one of the Kabaka’s projects.

How about our crammy hideous horrible roads? While Jennifer is working on them, and putting together a carnival, you can do something about them too! Scroll back to that line about whipping out your phone and making a difference.

For more information on how you can do something, click here.

UPDATE

We may have gone overboard with the whole school kid thing…

Speaking to his subjects, Kabaka Mutebi pointed out three major projects that are in need of development including; re-building of the Masiro, renovation of the Bulange buildings and funds for the Bulungi Bwansi projects among several others. He urged the people of Buganda and well-wishers to embrace this innovation from MTN and donate generously towards the development of the Kingdom

…but that doesn’t mean you can go ahead and splash dime on those young úns willy nilly. They have to work for it. ..and leave first thing in the morning.

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Jammin’ Space

News reaching our desks has it that NASA’s Voyager 1 has finally left our solar system. To bring you up to speed, the Voyager 1 is a probe that sets off to explore space and go where no man has gone before. In essence, it borrows a bit from Wentworth Miller, Elton John and that workmate that still carries a vibrator to work, ‘just in case’.

"Is that a probe in your pocket or am I happy to see you?"

“Is that a probe in your pocket or am I happy to see you?”

The probe was launched in 1977, running 68 Kilobytes of computing power, so everyone seems to think this is an achievement unto itself. You know who doesn’t think so? That kid that was showing off with the dodgy grey Samsung flash disk back on campus, rocking all of 64mb. He is sitting there, stroking the obsolete piece of tech hanging from his neck and thinking, ‘amateurs’.

So, what’s the plan? Well, whoever sent it out there desperately wants to know what’s happening out there. They don’t really care about what’s happening on the other side of the ocean, “You mean Africa is NOT a country”, but they are hungry to find out whether there is alien life out there.

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Alien Technology from 2003

In fact, I believe the politically correct term, because we don’t want to be offending alien life forms, is “intelligent life”. Therein, may lie the answer to that baffling question, if it’s intelligent, it knows better than to reach out to earth. Why the hell would anyone want to get in to contact with the planet that’s responsible for a twerking Miley Cyrus, an incoherent L’il Wayne and Erias Lukwago?

They’d likely be watching from a distance and thinking, “sheeeeiiiiiit!” and using recordings of Robin Kisti’s accent to ward off insurgencies. “Carm Orn! Carnt we arll live in harmorny? Pearce arnd Lurv, y’arll. Pearce arnd lurv…”

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What’s particularly important to note is that some measures have been put in place just in case the Voyager does encounter alien life. It’s been equipped with a gold plated record with images from earth and greetings in 55 languages. If the aliens are smart they will probably fight over the gold and move on, because, really, what are you going to do with a couple of ‘bonjour’s?

And what criteria was used to select those languages anyway? I’m going to hope the pictures don’t feature our landmarks and shit, because that’s how stuff gets blown up in the movies. Aliens be like, “I’d hit that” and then they do just that. With laser beams and prejudice.

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On the flip side, things can’t be that bad. There’s no way on God’s then green earth that they took any Ugandan language. Don’t get me wrong, the Western languages have that almost seductive drawl punctuated flow ending in a muted ‘teh’, Northern languages will, through their delivery let anyone know not to mess with us, but let’s be honest, we’re a bunch of haters. We won’t be welcoming, we will be saying stuff like, temufuka wanno, mulye sausage and K**a N***o!