Category Archives: In The News

Where all Newses have their breakfast

rolex

INTERVIEW WITH THE 15K ROLEX, WHAT MAKES IT SO SPECIAL?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Recently CNN did a piece on the number one economic activity for the Basoga as well as the staple food for campusers, bachelors, bachelorettes, corporates, born-again, musicians, Eddy Kenzo (he sings or he thinks he does but I refuse to call him a musician), broke people, anyway all Ugandans because we might sleep here. Then lo and behold we got a rolex that was priced more than chips and chicken. We had to search out this rare specimen and ask it why a sane Ugandan would forego ten rolexes (fifteen, if you are a good bargainer) for the price of one.

Me: Tell us, ridiculously priced rolex (RPR), are the eggs used in your making golden or is the flour sprinkled with diamonds?

RPR: That goose that laid the golden eggs was killed and don’t be silly, you don’t eat diamonds, you wear them.

Me: So then, the chef that made you must have been the original musoga, he then went to rolex school where he graduated with a first class degree in chopping tomatoes, onions and green pepper. For his masters, he learnt the delicate art of mixing all those ingredients in a cup and indeed he graduated summa cum laude from whence he pursued a PHD in….

RPR: DUDE!!! slow your roll. Chef guy was called Ruhweza and his relation to a musoga is that they all emerged from the Bantu ethnic group. Also, he was expelled from primary school for peeping at the Headmaster`s wife when she was bathing during evening prep.

Me: Which means that the knife used in your making was forged in the depths of Mount Doom. The sigiri from which you were fried was designed by Leonardo Da Vinci and thereafter handcrafted by Michelangelo. It was then carefully preserved over the centuries and eventually handed over to your chef who then brought you to delicious life.

RPR: Mount Doom doesn’t exist, and for you to mention the word sigiri in the same sentence as Da Vinci and Michelangelo is outrageous blasphemy. You should be prosecuted for treason in the Ugandan courts of law.

Me: Does that mean therefore that the fire with which you were fried descended from the heavens?

RPR: No, the fire was generated by a matchbox, made by Mukwano industries Uganda limited.

Me: The oil used must have been for the purpose of anointing but was then borrowed to aid in your making.

RPR: No, we used BIDCO cooking oil.

Me: So what makes you worth 15k?

RPR: We are moving to a middle income country and my price must also reflect this steady progress.

Henry-Kajura (1)

KADAGA TALKS TO THE ANCESTORS: WHAT REALLY WENT DOWN.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rebecca Kadaga (aka Becky with the wig hair) caused outrage in the country by going to “thank” her ancestors in Busoga for winning the speakership. She says she was just promoting tourism but that excuse is not just lame, it requires life support to even be considered an excuse. I however think that the speaker should be given a break, after all, no one is out there stoning Maama Fiina and she makes her living giving “ancestral blessings” which is a highly profitable business by the look of things. In order to convince Ugandans that their speaker is not a witch doctor, I have obtained a transcript of the conversation between her and the ancestors which should clear the air.

Ancestor 1: Becky, thanks for coming to appreciate our efforts. There are those people who never come back after getting what they want or they sneak in here in the night and wake us up when we are dreaming. I hate those people.

Ancestor 2: Speaking of people who never come back, have any of our branches received a one Bukenya Gilbert? Former mahogany now burnt charcoal.

Intern ancestor checks on visitor logs and finds no record of a visit by Bukenya.

Ancestor 2: Let’s keep that fellow confused until he learns some manners. Intern, go reduce his reasoning capacity further.

Intern: But it is at zero, no one takes him seriously anymore.

Ancestor 2: okay, we shall convene a meeting to discuss the next steps. Sorry Becky, we are not paying enough attention. Intern, go prepare some lemon juice for our girl.

Ancestor 1: Eh, but Becky those ancestors of Omoro were not easy, they had refused to accept defeat. Can you believe they even awakened Gipir and Nyabongo and we all know those two never really got along.

Ancestor 2: If it wasn’t for the intervention of Kintu, stuff had jam. That ka-Gipir guy came waving his spear and we had all scattered. But Kintu came in and put him in his proper place, told him to stop being too greedy or he would face the music. He was like mbu trying to refuse again and Kintu just pulled out a 600 mm caliber RPG-7V2, reloadable launcher.

Ancestor 1: We all know you cannot bring a spear to an RPG fight. Hahaha, you should have seen the look on Gipir`s face.

Intern: It was like some expendables shit!!

Ancestor 2: So you are watching movies instead of the work we give you. Be careful, I will not give you a recommendation letter when your internship ends.

Intern: There isn’t any work anymore. Everyone prays to Jesus nowadays and they get what they want. You don’t even have to pay anything. Your business model is very obsolete.

Ancestor 2: What do you know? You just died a few years ago, for us we have been dead for centuries and know much more than you do.

Ancestor 1: You guys, where has Becky gone? Don’t tell she has already left!!

Ancestor 2: Kale, I wanted to talk to her about Besigye. He looks like he could use our services.

Intern: Me, I want to get saved.

Ancestor  2: GET THE F*** OUT OF HERE!!!

Eddy-Kenzo-funny (1)

WHY MUSEVENI SHOULD CHOOSE EDDY KENZO AS MINISTER OF EDUCATION AND OTHER SUGGESTIONS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some people are about to be fired from their ministerial posts as the president ushers in a new and unprecedented era of steady progress. As concerned citizens, we are forwarding a list of potential nominees to the president as he ponders who to give stones and who to send back to the village.

Minister of Housing: Bebe Cool/ Moses SSali

Mr Ssali will bring his vast experience in building a house to the cabinet. Sources say the president has been impressed by Ssali`s attention to detail and desire for perfection which has seen him take a century to construct a house. Apparently he thinks he is constructing a pyramid. Bebe Cool`s perfection is such that he put a hold on construction so that he could import sand from the sahara desert  after refusing to use sand from lake Victoria. Mbu, he couldn’t use sand from a lake where Bobi wine has a beach. This is the kind of determination that the president is going to require from his ministers as Uganda makes the leap to middle income status within 5 years

Minister of Education: Eddy Kenzo

Surely this appointment makes the most sense, if Kenzo is not willing to acquaint himself with knowledge of basic math, being a minister of education should at least give him some knowledge through being mentioned in the same sentence with the word education. Just don’t expect him to account for the ministry expenditure.

Minister of internal affairs: Maama Fiina

Renown traditional/witch doctor is a busy body. She is a such a fixture on Bukedde news that a maama Fiina desk should be created at New Vision. She is renting a house for an ex-kifeesi  gang member in bwaise today, tomorrow she is intervening in a domestic quarrels for people in Kabulasoke, the other day she is battling spirits that have gone rogue in Mukono (as they always do in mukono). Her services to this nation should be rewarded by a ministerial post, In fact, having a government car and a police escort will enable her go faster to the places where she is needed.

Minister of Ethics: Father Lokodo or Franklin Emuobor

This is a tough one, these are both epically useless fellows and Emuobor having called out Father Lokodo on his blatant lies should give him some marks. But as a patriotic Ugandan, I second Father Lokodo to bounce back so he can continue to be useless as before. Father Lokodo must have invented the phrase barking dogs do not bite. The last thing he must have bitten so hard was the last Eucharist as he left fatherhood in order to measure the length of skirts and scrutinize nude pictures.

Minister of Defence: Jon Snow

Jon Snow is out of a job after being knifed (literally) in Game of Thrones. And if you can fight the white walkers (not to be confused with the walkers of the walking dead, white walkers are much cooler), you can crush opposition protests while eating a rolex with two chapatis and four eggs as well green pepper.

Minister of Finance: Sudhir Ruparelia

We joke way too much here at ULK but this appointment should be considered seriously. I mean this dude can really throw a party, imagine the parties he can throw if he is in charge of the treasury, that way, we can really enjoy the taxes we pay and the residents of Bwaise won’t even mind canoeing to work daily.

dude

THE STELLA NYANZI SAGA, A FULL ANALYSIS.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some of us have been hearing about Stella Nyanzi and her Facebook posts as some background noise, sort of like Bebe Cool. However on Monday, she moved out of the back ground and onto our WhatsApp, twitter, Instagram, Facebook feeds. If you had started Monday with a hangover, her video was the remedy. Seriously, she should copyright that video because it can serve a number of purposes. Off the top of my head, it could act as an effective alarm message, once you have seen it, all dreams will evaporate. Or government could use it to crush the opposition defiance campaign, because seeing it will leave you with a feeling of deflation (wink wink).

is that the Stella Nyanzi video?

is that the Stella Nyanzi video?

But I digress, Dr Stella Nyanzi, yes; she is a doctor but not the kind of doctor who will ask you to drop your pants for an injection. Although come to think of it, she would make a great actual doctor, I mean, wouldn’t you want a doctor who was willing to do anything to get you better. Sure, she could recommend brain surgery for a cold or chop off your arm when you get a minor cut but deep down you know, she is doing it for your well-being and not because she is insane. Also, isn`t it easier to drop your pants if you have seen your doctor drop hers?..No?..okay, just a thought.

I dare you to show me that video again!!

I dare you to show me that video again!!

Eh wait, where was i?  Yes, what could drive an apparently sane woman to strip naked in broad daylight? Unless you went to UCU, the answer is simple, Professor Mahmood Mamdani. This dude is responsible for pushing a widely respected and dignified woman into an act of desperation that, for her children`s sake, should be buried deep in the vaults of Facebook servers. Or is he? I mean, for someone who is meant to impart knowledge to eager young minds in the lecture rooms, she sure spends a lot of time on Facebook having petty arguments with Fatboy. She could have been just really bored. When does she ever actually teach although I assume she gets an A+ in sex education.

Stella, happy after getting an A+ in sex ed class

Stella, happy after getting an A+ in sex ed class

So who should we blame for this kavuyo? Dr Stella Nyanzi or Professor Mahmood Mamdani? The answer is…gavumenti. Stella Nyanzi resorted to stripping because the government has failed in its duties to the citizenry. The government has failed to construct roads, build hospitals, free Besigye, colonise mars, legalise weed, and bring Jesus back to earth so it is easy to understand why Stella had to undress.

Also, she was quaking losing her job.

besigye_5

BESIGYE`S LIST OF DEFIANCE ACTIVITIES LEAKS.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kale Kayihura finally allowed Besigye to breath, sort of. He had been suffocating in the vast expanse of his kasangati home watching Wonder Woman battle Doomsday while Batman played hide and seek (seriously dude, man up…Batman, not Besigye). Besigye, however is now free to roam the country except in Kampala or any  town center for that matter or be anywhere where two or more people could gather to hear him speak or head to prayers…the exceptions list is still developing. Here at ULK we have landed on a list of defiance activities that show the police are in fact right in trying to stop Besigye from, you know, being.

Buying Gonja.

Exclusive information reaching our news desk indicates that Besigye will seek to cause severe Gonja shortage in Kasangati and the country at large. Having been kept indoors without access to gonja has unleashed his monster appetite which he will seek to satisfy by invading all the known gonja selling places. Besigye moles have already been placed in critical gonja selling areas like Namawojjolo and have been seen buying ridiculously huge amounts of this delicacy (you know yourselves). There is however a sinister motive behind this move as a gonja shortage is likely to cause kampala residents to rise up in defiance because, let’s face it, there are only two kinds people in this world, those who like gonja and monsters.

Endangered species

Endangered species

Watch Captain America Civil War.

On May 1, Besigye will not be found in Kasangati. He will be heading to a cinema to see the defiant Captain dish it out with the authority (Iron Man). If you are wondering who Besigye will be supporting in this showdown, welcome to planet earth from whichever galaxy you had been marooned on. Classified intelligence indicates that the colonel will seek to identify guerilla tactics employed by the captain as well as also ogle Scarlet Johansson. It will be imperative for police to stop such a venture because, one, definitely the government doesn’t want him to learn tactics from guy who beat the Nazis by basically swinging a metal plate around and secondly, with his eyes, there will be nothing left for the rest of us to ogle when Besigye is done.

Eh!!, this guy is not for jokes.

Eh!!, dude means business

Change weather pattern to winter.

Have you noticed how all of a sudden it`s raining after the 40 day siege ended? If you haven’t, we have not noticed on your behalf. Data gathered from various fictitious weather stations and maama fiina indicates that rain had been on a defiance campaign until Kifefe`s release. To demonstrate further these previously unknown powers, Besigye will bring winter to these shores. Although the date for this act could not be readily established, it is predicted that this will happen around the same time pigs will start flying as well. So if you are crushing pork ribs and one of them flies out of your mouth, winter is coming.

Our investigation shows these activities could cause severe paralysis and be a catastrophe to this nation therefore a robust police response will be required if such activities are to be stopped.

Dobbi business in initial stage.

TAMALE MIRUNDI SPEAKS OUT

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As we were cleaning cobwebs from our ultra-modern ULK headquarters this morning, former presidential spokesperson, acclaimed author of the sensational pamphlet; The battle over Binazi money and one time chief dobbi in kyampisi, masaka district, Mr Tamale Mirundi just came. I took the opportunity to discuss with him several issuing affecting this country and he as usual, he offered some compelling insights that I share with you below.

Tamale Mirundi, welcome to ULK, I don’t know who invited you but let`s get started.

I was shown the way by empewo za bajajja, the winds of the grandfathers.

I worship the living God and so do our readers (at least I hope so) so Mr.Tamale, please desist from such pagan statements.

That is the polobulemu with you Africans, you don’t want to accept facts. You are myopic thinkers, me, I spent 5 years in Burma studying the konseputi of religion and its monopole by the Americans. I explain all this in my book, olumbe lwa bajajja. Go and read that book, olabe how you Africans were made stupid.

Tamale, can`t you ever make your point without insulting or abusing the audience?

If you are swimming, you have to prepare to drown. If Jesus rebuked the priests then who are you not to be insulted, nze siri maama wo.

Let`s just move to other issues, Amama Mbabazi recently sued the Museveni claiming he rigged the elections. Will the elections be nullified?

Can an impotent man claim to have impregnated a woman? Mbabazi is a non-issue, how can a man who got fewer votes than the weekly allowance I give my dogs be allowed to say such blatant lies. Ate, let me tell you, it is mbabazi who rigged these elections. No sane Uganda could have given mbabazi a vote, oba mutabufu wa mutwe.

Do you think it was right for the government to block social media after the elections?

YES!!!, let me tell you, constitution egamba, the state possesses kowaasivu stuff that it can employ if it so feels fit. Sosyo media has led to a big decline in economic growth in Uganda. Everyone is taking a selefie like a polobulemu. In China, facebook is not allowed but have you ever seen anyone die because they don’t have facebook?…answer me!!!

We are not talking about China.

When you see an elephant running, you don’t stop to ask it why it is running, you also just take off.

So now we are talking about elephants???

In litiriticha, that is called an analogue

You mean an analogy?

Nze siri muzungu

Only Bad Black…wait, Crazy Orange? Ripe Mango? Confused carrot? could confuse you with a muzungu.

Let me tell you, that is one of the sharpest women in this country. How many women have slept with men and only got STD`s? That woman got over six billion shillings, me, I remove my hat for her.

Let`s wrap this up.

It’s my boss who raps, not me.

I mean say your last words, this interview has got to end, and I have tickets for Batman vs Superman to buy.

Don’t waste your money on such, I am writing a new book, omusujja gwe`mbuzi that will levolusonayizi this country.

I`ll pass

That is the polobulemu with…

BvS tickets are running out, to be continued.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS WEEK

Election Petition

Men dressed in gowns will continue to bicker before other men and women dressed in more colorful and intricately embroidered gowns. You will need to have an advanced learner`s dictionary by your side as you listen to these learned gentlemen talk. If you find yourself dozing, it’s not your fault, law as it is done in actual court is very different from the way Denny Crane or Harvey Specter do it on your T.V. For one, the accents are very different; listening to Mwesigwa Rukutana is enough to send you into enchanted sleep for millennia.

Pilgrimages to Kasangati

Kasangati should be rebranded the Mecca and Besigye, a prophet. If you find yourself lazy, dozing and scorched by the afternoon sun, there is an activity that can spice up your afternoon. Take a trip to Kasangati and commiserate with comrade Besigye. Before this journey is undertaken however, it is necessary to use the appropriate mode of transport. If you decide to go on foot, you will be stopped 200 meters before you reach, given a thorough beating and told to go back whence you came from. If you arrive on a boda, you will be stopped 100 meters before you reach, given a thorough beating and your Boda arrested. If you decide to go by taxi, you will be stopped 50 meters before you reach, dragged into a dark blue police minivan, given a thorough beating and then thrown out of the van. Therefore I suggest you use a helicopter or a wheel barrow, we are yet to witness what happens in those cases.

Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice

It is 11 days to go till we see Batman being walloped on screen. This shouldn’t be a contest, right? It’s like bringing a stick to a nuclear war fight however count on lots CGI to make us believe that Batman can actually fight Superman. This might not seem terribly important but mismatched fights are projected to be on the increase after the premiere of this movie as small men everywhere attempt to think that they won’t be beaten into a pulp by far larger and superior beings. Think Andrew Mwenda vs Golola Moses (unless it was a war of words in which case, the victor is anyone`s guess)

Champions League Football

I need not waste words here. Arsenal will lose.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS WEEK.

Here at ULK, we delight in providing you with expert analysis and insight of the issues that will be in the headlines this week. Don’t be caught off guard, read the ULK weekly briefing.

Besigye will be arrested.

As the police continue to put some distance between them and the nearest challengers over the number of arrests of one particular individual, look forward to world record arrestee; Kiiza Besigye to be re-arrested. He will be pushed into a dark blue police minivan, sped towards an obscure police station where he will presumably eat his lunch, drink evening tea and then taken back home just in time for supper. This is a process that will re-occur several times in the week.

Weather forecast.

You know how your bed turns into a blazing furnace at night and you twist and turn in the bed looking for a cold spot for some relief. Well, you will continue looking for that spot this week and still not find it.  The sun will continue to burn you until you wish you lived in an igloo. However, our resident weather predictor says there may be a brief drizzle on Wednesday morning which will make the sun so angry that you will wish to migrate to the Sahara desert.

U.S Presidential primaries.

The clown circus that is the US presidential primaries will take its rodeo into another 11 states in what is known Super Tuesday on 1st March. Donald Trump; chief clown and noted hair products enthusiast is poised to win in several states as he seeks to become the Republican presidential nominee. If this dude ever becomes U.S president, prepare to migrate to another planet as his strategy for dealing with his enemies is, in his own words to “bomb the shit out of them”. This is a guy who called his southern neighbors, the Mexicans; rapists, criminals and killers.  How do you think he feels about Africans? I suggest you get packing.

March is on its way.

February will give way to March as 2016 continues to hurtle along. March is the month it becomes abundantly clear that you were impersonating Mabirizi when you set the New Year resolutions. I mean, just look at Besigye, he was expecting to be president-elect by now. Instead, he now has to ask for permission in case he wants to use a latrine outside his house.

Caution; The 29th of February is the only day of the year that it is considered acceptable for a woman to propose to a man. If you see your chic getting down on one knee, she has the full backing of international conventions and customs. Also, say yes because you didn’t the cohunes to do it in the first place.

Elections.                          

On 2nd and 4th there will be elections for Chairpersons, PWD`s, Older persons, Youth and women councilors etc. but I know the burning question is whether there will be a public holiday?

No, there will not be public holiday.

How To Avoid Getting Stuck in Mbarara.

It is said that KQ, the Pride of Africa with the exception of a few areas, had President Museveni stuck after failing to pick him from Mbarara.

Stuck

First, who or what is Mbarara?

Mbarara is a landlocked country in Uganda that can be accessed by air or by milk. Its economy thrives mostly on the exportation of politicians and fake accents used in the production of struggling radio ads.

So how then did President Museveni get stuck in a country filled with such great promise? It could be any of two reasons.

  1. KQ’s planes do not have the capacity to carry all of 28 years in power.
  2. Air Uganda & Uganda Airlines fell in love and eloped.

But not to worry. Studies show that there are 10 possible ways to avoid getting stuck in Mbarara.

  1. Call KQ customer service and ask them to send a plane.
  2. Wonder what’s wrong, call back and ask KQ to forget the plane and just send a pilot.
  3. If the pilot is still in the toilet, ask KQ to send a cab.
  4. Ask KQ to ask Air Uganda to pick you.
  5. Called Sula the boda guy and ask him to pick fuel from KQ and come for you.
  6. Call President Kenyatta and report KQ.
  7. Call KQ customer service and ask if they’ve received a threat from President Kenyatta.
  8. Call back and ask why the hell they just hang up on you.
  9. Update your facebook as inquiries are made.
  10. If still stuck, you should probably just take a taxi.

Letter to Senior Six ‘vacists’

Yo, wassup, peeps? You be how, all ye? Are you kawa? Maato? Suzie? Jo? I know you be on pressure now ‘cause Bukenya has released those things and stuff be’s tight like bums. How is vac, anyway? Did you lose your virginities? If you had lost them in P2, did you lose them again in vac? See, vacation is where you do all crazy things because, if you are a guy, your balls are heavier than before and your parents will look at you in fear because your voice is deeper than a crater lake. If you are a girl, you have now morphed into a chic with a considerable larger behind and two larger things on your chest and so, the law allows you to put on a wig.

In vacation, I understand you played more computer games than their founders. I mean, for the rich kids, that is. For the poor, broke kids, you played hide and seek. It is fun. Actually, hide and seek is more fun, than those overrated gadgetry. Are you even on WhatsApp? Of course you are. If you aren’t, you lied to your friends that you are on WhatsApp, but your iPhone has bizibu. It is understandable. You have bizibu yourself. Did you go partying? If you didn’t, slap yourself hard in the face and say, “I am a fool.”

Now the results are back. You had your names on Coca-Cola bottles, but your names were not on your school’s notes board, because you failed GP. Because by that time you were sleeping. Because you only got 2 points. Because education is overrated. Because Bill Gates didn’t go far with education but he is now too far with dimes. You see that? You subscribed that school of thought. And here you are, your fingers dipped in your nose. You will be fine, Kaggwa. In vac, before I forget, I hope you wrapped some latex on that stiff thing. Did you, Aizo? Come on, Isaac, talk to me. Did you wear? Because in vacation, you have all the sacks of time and you can decide to give time to fellas who don’t have it because you have it in plenty and you are bound to screw up. It will screw you up. Kati, the bibuzo. Don’t worry about them. You passed. You are happy. But they shouldn’t blur your sight. Enjoy the moment now like a sea fisherman, because you don’t know what the sea will be like tomorrow. Campus is right at the corner and there, sir, sh** will be tighter.

They have no prep, but they have lectures you must attend. They have no bells, you will have to borrow clocks to keep time. They won’t call you for meals in the dining hall as though rolex stalls were evicted. They don’t have uniforms, carry a mini skirt. They are not girls in maroon and pink things and go-back-to-school stockings, there are aspiring socialites there.

 

But for now, enjoy your vacation.