Easter is inching closer. It is yet another time of year for us to eat, make merry, drink, get drunk, get arrested, stage a prison break using a pen to make it home in time for Easter Sunday lunch. Since I’ve masterly brought us to the topic of Sunday lunch, what better thing can a legend do than give you a recipe? Easter lunch is one of those that stays in your belly for several months.
Unlike all those recipes you’ll pick up online, the ones we give here use only products you can find easily in a supermarket near you. Or in your neighbor’s fridge if you pick them fast enough.
What your meal won’t look like.
- Eggs from a hen
- Fifteen Crisps
- Put down the game of Matatu you are playing. This will be very hard seeing as this game has a rich history and is very addictive
- See a chicken. Chase the chicken. You have between now and Thursday to catch the chicken. You could use a booby trap. You could look for an android app that can do this bit for you. You could get onto a boda boda and chase the damn foul.
- Chicken captured, you need to get it to lay at least two eggs. This can be done by scaring the sheat out of it. Show it a picture of grilled chicken. Bite into a drumstick while it watches. Play Bebe Cool’s music. Show it lady Gaga. Do sum’n horrific.
- If you have eggs from performing step three successfully, it is probably Friday by now. Good Friday. If the eggs are white, no need to waste them by eating them. Take them to a witch-doctor and he will make you stinking rich. Or he’ll just make you stinking. If you didn’t get eggs, this is the end of the road. Go do something nation-building; find a shovel and fill potholes.
- If you have reached this far then the assumption is you are holding some eggs in your hands as you read this. Put them down and high five yourself.
- Get the oil. Pour two shots of it into a clean frying pan. Put the pan on fire. Or heat it using your laser vision. Or rub your hands against the bottom of the pan till it heats up sufficiently
- Sip from the bottle of Mirinda
- Crack the eggs by hitting them against your forehead. No. Don’t do that.
- Crack the eggs using the swift haiken mitserugi Karate chop made popular by the Harlem-shaking Shaolin monks of Kamwokya. Pour the gooey inside into the cup. Beat it. The gooey stuff, not the cup
- Add 3-5 pinches of salt. Or if you have a lot of salt, add more. No use having it un-used in the kitchen
- Think about adding water. Brush away the thought. Think about what it would take for you to get a role as Djames bond. Or as a bond girl. Depending on your sex. Brush away that thought
- Pour the goo you’ve brutally beaten into the now-smoking oil.
- When the egg starts turning light taupe, flip it using whatever you have at your disposal.
- Eat three of the crisps we spoke of in the ingredients. The other twelve, give to charity. It is Easter you know
- Serve the Easter Egg hot. Eat it alone. Make grunts of pleasure every fifteen seconds. Do this till you swallow the last bit. Upload on YouTube
I know we are all under the impression that we’ll drop dead in the street one day if we don’t exercise regularly. And as scary as this is, we still don’t hit the treadmill as often as we should. Exercising seems like a lot of work. I’ve hounded all my friends that eventually turned into medicine men and women to find out what the alternatives to exercise are. Today, I present to you World Healthy Organisation (WHyO) tips on how else you can be fit without breaking a sweat.
Staring at the wall
Staring at a wall for long periods of time, especially white walls with polka-dots, has the effect of working out your eyeballs and improving your eye sight. People with 20-20 vision have been known to spend several hours counting the number of polka-dots on white walls.
An occasionally well-channeled yell can work so many muscles of yours to the extent that you won’t need to go to the gym. For one, the veins in your neck pop out, your eyeballs flare, you perspire, your teeth clench, your nostrils wheeze and your forehead breaks into a sweat. All these are vital signs of a good work out.
When done with a lot of pre-meditation and using the time-tested technique made famous by Himalayan explorer Gregory Specta, breathing has been shown to be amazing exercise.
When typing on a keyboard really super fast, you are exercising your pectoralis major. This muscle, located just below the elbow, is very critical because it is what the brain signals whenever your partner asks “Do I look fat in these jeans?”
Depending on how well you’ve been exercising your pectoralis major, your answer could be range from
(For well-exercised muscles) “Umm, compared to what?”
to (for poorly-exercised muscles) “Can you even breathe?”
A woman who had just given birth to a baby boy in Mulago hospital yesterday burst into tears and complained to doctors after getting concerned that her baby could not do math. Several nurses ran to her rescue and calmed her down after a few hours.
The woman, only identified as Prossy, explained in Luganda that a little after the baby was born, she gave him a multiplication table to solve but the baby didn’t even write anything on the paper. “I gave him a pen and paper with lots of answers to fill then went to the toilet. When I came back, the pen and paper were on the floor and the baby was just sleeping. I don’t know what to do,” she cried.
One of the nurses on duty, Miss Simolo Nantongo explained to ULK that this was a very serious health problem that would require further medical tests in Nairobi, South Africa and beyond. “Problem is call Dyspleniclotoma Obisculaximata,” she revealed, adding that it was very rampant in many babies.
Symptoms of the disease:
- Failure to solve math problems
- Absence of teeth
- Inability to vote for the next president
- Acute memory loss (They don’t know where they were before birth)
Nantongo assured all present that the hospital administration would look into the matter and ensure that the baby learnt the abacus and every multiplication table before going for further tests in Nairobi, South Africa and beyond.
A study carried out by the Ministry of Health yesterday revealed that breast milk actually comes from women’s breasts. The shocking discovery alters previous theories in Uganda that said that breast milk was self-produced in a newborn’s mouth.
Other previous theories indicated that breast milk was generated by old lactose-intolerant refrigerators while some populations especially in Eastern Uganda believed that it came from the forest gods of milk. The MOH study was carried out by top scientists in East Africa who mostly used Google to carry out their research.
Head scientist and researcher, Dr. Dickson Kasapatu explained that the research came with several challenges and setbacks. “We went around suckling different women’s breasts. We went to brothels, hired women off the streets and even suckled breasts of some of the hot female researchers on our team but they all didn’t produce milk. It was really frustrating until we visited some breastfeeding mothers in Western Uganda and found that the theory was true”.
A total of over Shs. 220million was dedicated to the MOH breast milk research, most of which was spent on paying the test subjects.
Please: Orombi asks a mosquito to protect itself before doing it
In a bid to combat the ever-increasing rate of malaria, the church of Uganda has asked mosquitoes in East Africa to be responsible in the way they bite or risk spreading the plasmodium virus, a deadly parasitic protozoan. The call comes in line with the ABC system that was suggested in a meeting with the Mosquito Union that took place earlier this year in Nairobi.
The ABC system calls for abstinence from live biting, faithfulness to one bite victim at a time, and then the use of condoms if the mosquito really had to bite. “The condom makes sure that the plasmodium virus thingy does not spread to other mosquitoes therefore making it safe for other mosquitoes that engage in biting intercourse. Please have safe bites or risk pushing the mosquito race into extinction,” concerned Archbishop Henry Luke Orombi said.
He also cautioned the general mosquito population that failure to heed to the advice would affect future mosquito generations many years to come. “You will find that the bigger population of future nymphs will be plasmodium positive which will lead to many deaths especially considering the alarmingly low rate of ARVs. Also, the cruel people population will start to incessantly use mosquito nets, a vice that will cause serious friction with the mosquito population. And yet we need to live in harmony.”
Orombi pledged continued support and called upon all Christian mosquitoes to support and encourage their brothers and sisters to act like responsible members of society.