Category Archives: Entertainment

BABE

A STORY ABOUT A DUDE WHO COULD NOT SAY HI TO A HOT BABE

 

 

 

 

 

I am at this famous Indian video library on William Street buying bootleg versions of Modern Family after such a long, hard and hectic day. I am testing it in the DVD player to make sure it is not something else when this blindingly hot chic, i repeat, blindingly hot chic enters and all the bu-video boys rush to tend to her needs( God!! in that moment, i wish i was one of them!!).

But as a sensible adult male, i maintain a cool detachment, give her one more glance and go back to testing my DVDs.

My mind however has not received the cool detachment memo, it tells me, “You freaking coward, get over there, say something cool and ask for her number, this is an exquisite vessel for the birth of your progeny. Do not let the male race down!!”

Me: Okay okay, relax I know what I am doing. I am descendant of Adam who has, through millennia of evolution has developed the tactics to approach a woman and blow her away with my “game”.

Mind: That’s what you keep telling yourself, I have not seen you blow away any lady lately, in fact the only blowing I know of is as you pass gas whenever a hot chic approaches.

Me: hey, that was just one time, let it go!!!

Mind: We will not argue about your competence or lack thereof regarding matters of the fairer sex, let us get back to the task at hand. Go and talk to blindingly hot chic.

Me: I am pondering about employing the blitzkrieg or undercover maneuvers of approach. What do you think?

Mind: what are you jabbering on about?

Me: Are you even my mind? Aren`t you automatically supposed to know what I mean, anyway what I mean is that, should I just walk over and ambush her with my awesomeness or should I pose like these video boys?

Mind: How about you just go, if you can move your feet that is…

Me: I do not appreciate your sarcasm. Okay, I am now going in.

Mind: I don’t see you moving and are you employing the sweating maneuver? Because your armpits are leaking faster that a torpedoed submarine. Tell me, do you intend to overwhelm her with your kavubuka?

Me: Shut up, and let me do my thing.

As I approach her, I cannot choose what to say, hi? hey? Hello? ki? whats up? Excuse me?

And while i ponder endlessly about the right choice of words she’s gone and now consigned to the shadows of my memory.

Mind: *sigh* your mother isn’t getting any grand kids, is she?

facebookblocked

WE NEED THESE MINISTRIES TOO. ASAP!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Minister for blocking out social media.

Since blocking social media channels is now a thing, we also need a minister to preside over this important matter. We don’t want to buy our weekly bundles and then, just like that, you hear social media blocked. We work hard for the money to buy MBs so they can’t just go to waste like that. Also, the minister should sensitize the nation about VPNs. What are these things? Where do we find them? Why do the people who use them think they are geniuses? Will you be charged with treason if found in possession of one? These are critical questions requiring a knowledgeable response from a minister.

Ministry of Traffic Jam.

It’s about time we realize traffic jams as a crucial constituency within this country. Everyone has been in that traffic jam where they say ayayayaya…kika!!. The kind where the taxi driver gets out of the taxi and goes to eat some katogo at a kafunda while the conductor yawns in the taxi. The ideal minister should be a taxi driver and a conductor to be a minister of state. They could introduce popular measures to reduce the stress and burden of traffic jams. For example, how about hiring Sheebah to sing during the jams, she can roll around on the cars while singing nkwaatako and then it rains, so she gets soaked  and you can see….wait, where was I?  Yes, entertainment during traffic jams.

Minister for youth unemployment.

This thing of youth unemployment is everywhere yet it is not represented at the highest levels of government. We need a minister to develop policy and strategy for the unemployed youth to engage in unemployment activities. What are unemployment activities, you ask? Ask Al Hajji Nadduli, I feel he would have the right answer for you.

Ministry for Besigye detention and prosecution.

This is surely overdue, the resources and effort required to keep Besigye in check should be consolidated and a ministry created for efficiency. It is a critical effort and therefore should be given the effort it deserves. These ministerial duties should include but not limited to the following, checking when Besigye wakes up, checking whether he brushes his teeth in the morning, finding out whether he prefers tea or porridge for the breakfast, how does he maintain that long distance relationship with Winnie? critically examining how many times he goes to the toilet (if it is more than five times, that would be weird). A report of these and other activities must be compiled and examined daily.

Presidential adviser on Stella Nyanzi affairs.

You never know what Stella Nyanzi is going to do or post on her Facebook page so it is imperative that the president is kept aware of Stella`s affairs. One day it could cause a rebellion in this country and the president wouldn’t even know.

Minister for Ludo Affairs. 

You know, just for just.

rolex

INTERVIEW WITH THE 15K ROLEX, WHAT MAKES IT SO SPECIAL?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Recently CNN did a piece on the number one economic activity for the Basoga as well as the staple food for campusers, bachelors, bachelorettes, corporates, born-again, musicians, Eddy Kenzo (he sings or he thinks he does but I refuse to call him a musician), broke people, anyway all Ugandans because we might sleep here. Then lo and behold we got a rolex that was priced more than chips and chicken. We had to search out this rare specimen and ask it why a sane Ugandan would forego ten rolexes (fifteen, if you are a good bargainer) for the price of one.

Me: Tell us, ridiculously priced rolex (RPR), are the eggs used in your making golden or is the flour sprinkled with diamonds?

RPR: That goose that laid the golden eggs was killed and don’t be silly, you don’t eat diamonds, you wear them.

Me: So then, the chef that made you must have been the original musoga, he then went to rolex school where he graduated with a first class degree in chopping tomatoes, onions and green pepper. For his masters, he learnt the delicate art of mixing all those ingredients in a cup and indeed he graduated summa cum laude from whence he pursued a PHD in….

RPR: DUDE!!! slow your roll. Chef guy was called Ruhweza and his relation to a musoga is that they all emerged from the Bantu ethnic group. Also, he was expelled from primary school for peeping at the Headmaster`s wife when she was bathing during evening prep.

Me: Which means that the knife used in your making was forged in the depths of Mount Doom. The sigiri from which you were fried was designed by Leonardo Da Vinci and thereafter handcrafted by Michelangelo. It was then carefully preserved over the centuries and eventually handed over to your chef who then brought you to delicious life.

RPR: Mount Doom doesn’t exist, and for you to mention the word sigiri in the same sentence as Da Vinci and Michelangelo is outrageous blasphemy. You should be prosecuted for treason in the Ugandan courts of law.

Me: Does that mean therefore that the fire with which you were fried descended from the heavens?

RPR: No, the fire was generated by a matchbox, made by Mukwano industries Uganda limited.

Me: The oil used must have been for the purpose of anointing but was then borrowed to aid in your making.

RPR: No, we used BIDCO cooking oil.

Me: So what makes you worth 15k?

RPR: We are moving to a middle income country and my price must also reflect this steady progress.

Henry-Kajura (1)

KADAGA TALKS TO THE ANCESTORS: WHAT REALLY WENT DOWN.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rebecca Kadaga (aka Becky with the wig hair) caused outrage in the country by going to “thank” her ancestors in Busoga for winning the speakership. She says she was just promoting tourism but that excuse is not just lame, it requires life support to even be considered an excuse. I however think that the speaker should be given a break, after all, no one is out there stoning Maama Fiina and she makes her living giving “ancestral blessings” which is a highly profitable business by the look of things. In order to convince Ugandans that their speaker is not a witch doctor, I have obtained a transcript of the conversation between her and the ancestors which should clear the air.

Ancestor 1: Becky, thanks for coming to appreciate our efforts. There are those people who never come back after getting what they want or they sneak in here in the night and wake us up when we are dreaming. I hate those people.

Ancestor 2: Speaking of people who never come back, have any of our branches received a one Bukenya Gilbert? Former mahogany now burnt charcoal.

Intern ancestor checks on visitor logs and finds no record of a visit by Bukenya.

Ancestor 2: Let’s keep that fellow confused until he learns some manners. Intern, go reduce his reasoning capacity further.

Intern: But it is at zero, no one takes him seriously anymore.

Ancestor 2: okay, we shall convene a meeting to discuss the next steps. Sorry Becky, we are not paying enough attention. Intern, go prepare some lemon juice for our girl.

Ancestor 1: Eh, but Becky those ancestors of Omoro were not easy, they had refused to accept defeat. Can you believe they even awakened Gipir and Nyabongo and we all know those two never really got along.

Ancestor 2: If it wasn’t for the intervention of Kintu, stuff had jam. That ka-Gipir guy came waving his spear and we had all scattered. But Kintu came in and put him in his proper place, told him to stop being too greedy or he would face the music. He was like mbu trying to refuse again and Kintu just pulled out a 600 mm caliber RPG-7V2, reloadable launcher.

Ancestor 1: We all know you cannot bring a spear to an RPG fight. Hahaha, you should have seen the look on Gipir`s face.

Intern: It was like some expendables shit!!

Ancestor 2: So you are watching movies instead of the work we give you. Be careful, I will not give you a recommendation letter when your internship ends.

Intern: There isn’t any work anymore. Everyone prays to Jesus nowadays and they get what they want. You don’t even have to pay anything. Your business model is very obsolete.

Ancestor 2: What do you know? You just died a few years ago, for us we have been dead for centuries and know much more than you do.

Ancestor 1: You guys, where has Becky gone? Don’t tell she has already left!!

Ancestor 2: Kale, I wanted to talk to her about Besigye. He looks like he could use our services.

Intern: Me, I want to get saved.

Ancestor  2: GET THE F*** OUT OF HERE!!!

Eddy-Kenzo-funny (1)

WHY MUSEVENI SHOULD CHOOSE EDDY KENZO AS MINISTER OF EDUCATION AND OTHER SUGGESTIONS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some people are about to be fired from their ministerial posts as the president ushers in a new and unprecedented era of steady progress. As concerned citizens, we are forwarding a list of potential nominees to the president as he ponders who to give stones and who to send back to the village.

Minister of Housing: Bebe Cool/ Moses SSali

Mr Ssali will bring his vast experience in building a house to the cabinet. Sources say the president has been impressed by Ssali`s attention to detail and desire for perfection which has seen him take a century to construct a house. Apparently he thinks he is constructing a pyramid. Bebe Cool`s perfection is such that he put a hold on construction so that he could import sand from the sahara desert  after refusing to use sand from lake Victoria. Mbu, he couldn’t use sand from a lake where Bobi wine has a beach. This is the kind of determination that the president is going to require from his ministers as Uganda makes the leap to middle income status within 5 years

Minister of Education: Eddy Kenzo

Surely this appointment makes the most sense, if Kenzo is not willing to acquaint himself with knowledge of basic math, being a minister of education should at least give him some knowledge through being mentioned in the same sentence with the word education. Just don’t expect him to account for the ministry expenditure.

Minister of internal affairs: Maama Fiina

Renown traditional/witch doctor is a busy body. She is a such a fixture on Bukedde news that a maama Fiina desk should be created at New Vision. She is renting a house for an ex-kifeesi  gang member in bwaise today, tomorrow she is intervening in a domestic quarrels for people in Kabulasoke, the other day she is battling spirits that have gone rogue in Mukono (as they always do in mukono). Her services to this nation should be rewarded by a ministerial post, In fact, having a government car and a police escort will enable her go faster to the places where she is needed.

Minister of Ethics: Father Lokodo or Franklin Emuobor

This is a tough one, these are both epically useless fellows and Emuobor having called out Father Lokodo on his blatant lies should give him some marks. But as a patriotic Ugandan, I second Father Lokodo to bounce back so he can continue to be useless as before. Father Lokodo must have invented the phrase barking dogs do not bite. The last thing he must have bitten so hard was the last Eucharist as he left fatherhood in order to measure the length of skirts and scrutinize nude pictures.

Minister of Defence: Jon Snow

Jon Snow is out of a job after being knifed (literally) in Game of Thrones. And if you can fight the white walkers (not to be confused with the walkers of the walking dead, white walkers are much cooler), you can crush opposition protests while eating a rolex with two chapatis and four eggs as well green pepper.

Minister of Finance: Sudhir Ruparelia

We joke way too much here at ULK but this appointment should be considered seriously. I mean this dude can really throw a party, imagine the parties he can throw if he is in charge of the treasury, that way, we can really enjoy the taxes we pay and the residents of Bwaise won’t even mind canoeing to work daily.

gameofthrones23

GAME OF THRONES IS BACK

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The one true serie is back this Sunday. It’s been a long eight or so months where we have had to suffer through nonsense like Super girl and don’t get me started on Heroes reborn or X-files, some things should just stay buried. Let’s catchup with where we left the citizens of Westeros as they seek to sit on a throne which might cause tetanus if you do not sit on it properly or attempt to sit on it in the state of Nyanzi (naked).

Jon Snow.

Is he dead or not? The question to end all questions. Do not ask whether we are alone in this universe or the origin of life. Is Jon Snow dead or not? This is the defining question of our time, one that has perplexed presidents, scientists, philosophers and led to many tortured, sleepless nights. There are those who hope that he is still alive but all the trailers say he is dead, conclusively so and we all know how dark the hearts of those game of thrones creators are. So abandon all hope, it will save you a few tears when you learn that he actually is dead. Probably.

The greatest question of our time.

The greatest question of our time.

Tyrion Lannister.

We left Tyrion in Meeren where he had been appointed Special adviser to the Khaleesi. That didn’t last long however, the queen of dragons was ironically carried into captivity by her own dragon. So Tyrion is set to be care taker king which should be fun but we all know Game of Thrones doesn’t do fun unless you consider stabbing pregnant women in the belly uproarious. In this case, Tyrion should face a defiance campaign waged by the Sons of the Harpy and according to the trailer, apparently they have bombs. Tyrion maybe full of quips and glorious sarcasm but don’t mess with him either, his father can testify to that. Meanwhile that episode should appear on one thousand ways to die.

Daenerys Targaryen/ The khaleesi.

The khaleesi unfortunately did not read the manual on how to train your dragon or even watch the movie. The consequence being that, she is now in the hands of the Dothraki whose king she killed way back in season one before we knew she possessed equal amounts of crazy and ass-kicking. How does she get herself out of that pickle? I have several ideas but all include the Dothraki being fried like chicken.

shit!! this isnt good

shit!! this isn’t good

Queen Cersei.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. If any woman (or man for that matter) needs a few pointers on how to wage revenge, then Game of Thrones season 6 will give you the perfect lessons. After enduring the walk of shame to end all walks of shame, some heads are going to roll…literally. And since her brother/lover/rapist/kingslayer returned with one of their incestuous spawn dead, expect blood to follow. As Jaime explains to his sister/lover/cersei fierce/withering looks distributor, “we are the only ones who matter and everything they have taken from us, we are going to take back and more”. Let no man be on the wrong side of the Lannisters this season. Whether in the serie or watching from home, it won’t be pretty for either.

Go slow if you want your head still attached to your body

Go slow if you want your head still attached to your body

Sansa Stark.

Aaahh, the Starks. Like the biblical Israelites who were scattered across all corners of the earth, or in this case, the seven kingdoms. Sansa Stark was last seen jumping off a castle with a neutered Reek. I certainly hope that the jump put some sense into her; Sansa makes you think that she is on a different show, something like the Teletubbies where everyone sings nursery school rhymes and goes to sleep holding their teddy bears. She should start playing the game very soon or she is dead meat. This is the season where she either becomes a serious player or we say adieu.

Dead meat

Dead meat

The Night king.

We are going to see more of this icy dude which is definitely not good news for the citizens of Westeros. He can raise the dead, not the Christian resurrection, the Walking Dead resurrection but even faster. Whatever he has planned, it is definitely nasty but until then, you all know nothing.

Bringing the winter

Bringing the winter

What I learned | Jungle Book; SuperBowl Trailer

Literature was one of my favourite subjects in O’Level. I didn’t excel in it, but it was fun because I got to read stories or ‘perform’ while we went through the plays. I realized a little later that the key to doing a damn good job within the subject is to possess an analytical mind and never to take stuff at face value.

It is a skill that has served me well in the years beyond the short shorts of academia and is what has helped me decipher the subtext in the trailer for Disney’s “The Jungle Book” movie.

Screen Shot 2016-04-14 at 2.19.55 PM

At first glance, it looks your ordinary jungle scene; kid running, animals pursuing him and then it hits you; this is about the Human Race. The Black people, who some regard as animals seem to be lagging behind the white man erm child.

Screen Shot 2016-04-14 at 12.29.26 PM

It’s easy to run to the conclusion that Jon Favreau is being racist, but its actually a critique of the human condition that he has managed to disguise very cleverly.

We also see that the black man doesn’t strive harder after making it past the white man. Does he stay hungry? Does he try to outpace the white man-child? No. He is content with being a few steps ahead of him talking about food. And then we see the white man moving ahead of him.

Enter the tiger… I’m not sure what race is being shown in the next scene…. But what’s clear is that it’s fighting the black race as the white one watches from the sidelines. In fact, it could be argued that this is a veiled nod at Batman’s input in the fight between Doomsday and the super powered beings in that other movie.

"F**k this shhhh"

“F**k this shhhh”

One has to wonder whether this is a director showing the world that he is well aware of the US’s tendency not to intervene in matters beyond its borders until they directly affect the greatest nation in the world.

A question that arises when the black man… I mean animal, has been wounded and can no longer offer any distraction protection forcing the white child to flee and, in a move that is easy to miss, jump to conclusions.

Animals leave your herd at home, the jungle's jumpin' jumpin...

Animals leave your herd at home, the jungle’s real packed and jumpin’ jumpin…

Actually, the white man does a lot of running… but we see that he is not afraid of getting his hands dirty… as long as he is not seen.

However, we see a patriotic side of Jon Favreau come through when he shows that the white man is not averse to taking the bull by the horns when things get tough.

"What a load of bull," said young Mowgli...

“What a load of bull,” said young Mowgli…

There’s a scene that speaks to the treachery that the white person has to face. And what makes it even more brutal is the fact that this treachery comes looking for the white man when he is ‘just there’ minding his own gaddam business. This scene features a snake that sounds a lot like a sentient computer Operating System. I’d go on in greater detail but I’m sure you’re all familiar with her.

Screen Shot 2016-04-14 at 2.15.51 PMHowever, this very scene poses the question, are all snakes women, or, are all women snakes. This calls for subjectivity as no one answer can address the duplicitous nature of snakes or humankind.

A theme that’s been prevalent in many movies before this is further explored. The white man offering the rest of the world ‘light’ or wisdom. What makes this particularly poignant is the fact that in this scene, the white man is willing to share the light with his sworn enemy; Tiger race… I’m starting to pick up some odd Oriental undertones here.

Can you see, the light... tonight...

Can you see, the light… tonight…

Then we see the white man beat a bear’s tummy with his bare hands. This visual pun could be dismissed by the non discerning viewer, but it speaks to the cruelty that animals face daily. It almost foreshadowed the lion that was killed in an East African country not too long ago.

This movie is bangin'

This movie is bangin’

The director also alludes to the day we shall all be united and leave in harmony. We can also achieve a lot together when we put our heads together. This is not even masked. It is right there in black and white…speaking of, Black and White; we are supposed to be friends after all. This, I believe is the message the movie is trying to advance.

Screen Shot 2016-04-14 at 2.14.14 PM

 

Side note;

I’m not sure I’ve seen this much jumping in one ad

Screen Shot 2016-04-14 at 2.18.36 PM Screen Shot 2016-04-14 at 2.18.15 PM

 

 

Upcoming Releases That Probably Won’t

You're right. It might not fit....

You’re right. It might not fit….

Following the uproar wrought by the 50 Shades of Grey movie (and the uprooting of carrots and cucumbers), the logical thing to do is manage our expectations. No reason we should get turned on knowing full well we may not even share a drink from the same cup. That said, we thought we would ask the government’s censorship committee to identify some movies we might have to turn our FOMO dial down for.

Cinderella – Cate Blanchett, Lily James

Conductor, first chill, I have no dime for fuel…

On the surface, it’s a simple tale of a young lady’s pursuit for a happy ending and her suspect choice of footwear. Look again and beneath the saccharine exterior a more sinister propaganda comes to play. It’s a story of a young lady who throws herself at a rich man and then seduces him by leaving items of her clothing behind. On top of that, she relies on witchcraft provided by a stranger only identified as Fairy God Mother…or FGM. Is it a coincidence that the same initials stand for Female Genital Mutilation? I think not. We do not want our young ladies’ morals compromised, so this is a no-go.

Get Hard – Will Ferrel, Kevin Hart

Black guy 'kwe-tying" tuts..

Black guy ‘kwe-tying” tuts..

The adverts that we’ve seen so far suggest that the story is about a white man who needs to toughen up for the life waiting for him in prison. Of course that would be just fine, but look again. The poster for the movie features a young black man braiding a white man’s hair. Initially we were going to ban it on the basis that it messes up people’s self-esteem by suggesting that we are still under the thumb of the white devil, but we took a closer look and with the help of a pastor put two and two together. It’s clearly a movie about inter-racial homosexuality. The name is very telling, but it’s the fact that the white man is being tied bi-tu-twa that put the final nail in the coffin.

Furious 7 – Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Dwayne Johnson and their friends

See, America is not racist

The cast of America: Not racist at all

This movie is wrong on very many levels. After we’ve fought to defend our nation’s leader for the better part of two decades, this movie comes and suggests in its title that he is angry. You can tell they tried to veil their intentions by dropping the M, but we saw right through this deceit. In one trailer you can see a black guy, possibly Ugandan going by his name, Tarsis Gibson, being teased mercilessly by his friends for praying. As if that’s not bad enough, they opted to use flashy cars. If the movie producers really had any goodwill for our government, then the characters would all be driving big yellow buses.

The Avengers: Age of Ultron – Too many people

More kavuyo than the taxi park

More kavuyo than the taxi park

In what is clearly an opposition move, this one is about how a group of people gang up with plans to overthrow the one person who has the best intentions of the people. He even declares how he is not corrupt by telling them that he has no strings on him… directly translated, he has no ties to people’s money. And how do they repay him, buy bringing in foreign aid and attempting to overthrow him. We won’t air this one because it promotes dissidence. Age of Ultron? More like Age of Ulterior! There’s also kaboozi of someone creating Vision. How is that possible? Vision is not created. You either have it or you don’t, and as you are all aware by now, only one person has the vision here.

Jurassic World- Chris Pratt and some other people

Dinosaurs be like: PHOTO BOMBED YOUR SELFIE

Dinosaurs be like: PHOTO BOMBED YOUR SELFIE

This movie is not necessarily bad, however it undermines the history we have been pushing in schools. All the adults reading this know about Gipir and Labongo, Kintu and his bae-Nambi, introducing dinosaurs in to that mix will just confuse the public. In this case we weighed our options and it didn’t make sense to have a bunch of adults feeling like their whole lives have been based on lies. This is why we won’t be showing this one either.

Ant Man – Paul Rudd, Michael Douglas

Prepping to drop that Luga-Flow jam

Prepping to drop that Luga-Flow jam

In this movie, the little guy saves the day. That’s how wars begin. Look at Libya’s Arab Spring. It started when an absolute nobody sent RIA (Rise in Arms) instead of LOL and then before you knew it, more and more people joined the uprising. We have our hands full with striking lecturers and students at Makerere, we don’t have time for people who have been inspired by movies. This will not air and you will thank us when you realise we have also spared you the tear gas and embarrassing strawberry yoghurt.

 

Mission Impossible V – Tom Cruise, Stunts

christopher-mcquarrie-tom-cruise-jack-reacher1

Dereva, wali ku stage…

We honestly had no problem with this particular film, however we received a call from the same pastor who had received a vision of the outcome of the 2016 elections. He said that he had met with the balokole group and the consensus was that having a movie with the word Impossible in the title would go against their preaching that “nothing is Impossible”. To go against them and let this movie show in the cinema would be to lead the flock astray and we cannot condone such things. This movie has therefore been terminated.

The Fantastic Four

Electricity is going you guys, have you charged?

Electricity is going you guys, have you charged?

The title of this movie sounds suspiciously like a coalition of opposition members. Is it Mao, Besigye, Ssebagala and that Denzel guy from Big Brother? We like that Denzel guy from Big Brother, but if he has decided to team up with these people we will not stand for this. This movie is under investigation for what exactly it stands for. Is it a friend or is it a foe. The title says four, which sounds a lot like foe, so we may have no choice but to refuse this one also.

Chew on that for a while..

 

What If Uganda Was Governed By Musicians?

It started with a simple observation. That Justin Bieber can pull off the same level of governance in Uganda right now. And then our Finance Manager paid the electricity bill for the idea bulb and wham! What if Uganda was governed by entertainers? Why not? It already is.

HipHop Uganda

Uganda Cabinet, 2014

President: Kanye West

Because he won’t accept that his best days are behind him.

 

Vice President: Kim Kardashian

Public figure for no reason really.

 

Prime Minister: Katy Perry

Because a Prime Minister is effective if they have Twitter to show for it.

 

Speaker of Parliament: Taylor Swift

Because the president doesn’t like her. But everyone else does.

 

Deputy Speaker of Parliament: Liam Payne

Because some people can only be known through Google.

 

Presidential Spokesperson: Justin Bieber

It doesn’t matter if he makes sense or not, people will always like to make fun of him.

 

Lord Mayor, Kampala City: Lil Wayne

More noise, less sense.

 

Minister of Education: R.Kelly

It’s much more fun to just pee on the teachers.

 

Minister of Works & Transport: Snoop Dogg

Look, I like pot.

Pot

And I like holes.

Holes

So why not just make things easier?

Snoophole

 

Minister of Ethics: Diddy

Starting today, I decree that you call me Puff Daddy. No, Daddy means child support. Call me P. Diddy. No, Sean Combs. No, remove the Combs, I like my hair the way it is. No, Diddy. Just Diddy. No…screw this! I’m bored. Let’s play another game. It’s called Miniskirts.

Mixtape Image

The University Mixtapes!

Sometime last week, some UCU and MUBS students made a mixtape of their bodies. It was so off the charts it went viral underground. The best part is, now people want the full album. Their mixtape was awesome it got people talking. It was so awesome we momentarily forgot Kendrick Lamar’s Control verse. Yeah, that serious. It was so awesome you need to read this too. So, I thought to myself, why not make a mixtape of my own.

Mixtape Image

I don’t think that you are ready ‘fi dis

Track 1: Burn Them feat Game.

Now, if you are into making mixtapes with bodies, remember burn, delete, delete from recycle bin. Have NO evidence. We all know some of you have it on you bucket lists, not sure how deep (the buckets) they are, but if you have it, make it and burn it. Remove all evidence of causing an eclipse because you don’t want people travelling to your Pakwach and asking for district rights for having such a magnificent sight.

Track 2: Get off my Phone feat Ludacris.

I don’t know about you, but mixtapes are personal and so are the gadgets used to make them. Screen protect, lock, swipe and delete all whatsapp groups that might have access to your phone. Make sure you hire security to guard your phone while you are sleeping and stop being nice to friends who want to make phone calls or text their friends from your phone. They just might be texting and whatsapping themselves your video.

Track 3: In the Bedroom feat 50 Cent

I walked into my bedroom and thoroughly checked for any hidden cameras. None the less, if you made any mixtape and don’t want to take credit, make sure your faces are not shown. Make sure that your face is also not part of the rapping such that people think its fake. This track is especially for people who are courageous enough to download BBM on android phones.

Track 4: Imagine Us (read a***) feat Kirk Franklin

Mixtapes of the bodies are never supposed to go viral. Let alone, we are not supposed to release them to the public that’s why they are always made underground. I just don’t understand people who do this thing above ground (during the day and in the light unlike in the dark). Again, mixtapes of the body are not done in HD like one of the rappers seemed to indicate while being wrapped by another. So, if you have high tech gadgets, keep them to yourself.

Track 5: Yesu Bera Naffe feat That woman who sang this song

For those with morals, kindly revise your bucket list. For us(not me)  who still want to make our mixtapes of the bodies, please, kindly go ahead. But listen carefully to the lyrics of the songs above.

Track 6: Solidad feat West Life

Where’s the solidarity? I also don’t know but if your friends are quick to give away your mixtape as fast as these ones did, and also make an appearance on the crazed black pepper newspapers for rappers to give you shout outs, telling us how you started from the bottom and rode up to the climax, then this song is for your hurt soul. It surely will speak to you.

Anyway. . .

Started from the bottom, now we here!

Started from the bottom, now we here!

I want to give a shout out to the readers, even the kafulu who’s poking their head just to read this awesome article. We love you and stay tuned for the next mixtape coming to a whatsapp near you.