Category Archives: Entertainment

What If Uganda Was Governed By Musicians?

It started with a simple observation. That Justin Bieber can pull off the same level of governance in Uganda right now. And then our Finance Manager paid the electricity bill for the idea bulb and wham! What if Uganda was governed by entertainers? Why not? It already is.

HipHop Uganda

Uganda Cabinet, 2014

President: Kanye West

Because he won’t accept that his best days are behind him.

 

Vice President: Kim Kardashian

Public figure for no reason really.

 

Prime Minister: Katy Perry

Because a Prime Minister is effective if they have Twitter to show for it.

 

Speaker of Parliament: Taylor Swift

Because the president doesn’t like her. But everyone else does.

 

Deputy Speaker of Parliament: Liam Payne

Because some people can only be known through Google.

 

Presidential Spokesperson: Justin Bieber

It doesn’t matter if he makes sense or not, people will always like to make fun of him.

 

Lord Mayor, Kampala City: Lil Wayne

More noise, less sense.

 

Minister of Education: R.Kelly

It’s much more fun to just pee on the teachers.

 

Minister of Works & Transport: Snoop Dogg

Look, I like pot.

Pot

And I like holes.

Holes

So why not just make things easier?

Snoophole

 

Minister of Ethics: Diddy

Starting today, I decree that you call me Puff Daddy. No, Daddy means child support. Call me P. Diddy. No, Sean Combs. No, remove the Combs, I like my hair the way it is. No, Diddy. Just Diddy. No…screw this! I’m bored. Let’s play another game. It’s called Miniskirts.

Mixtape Image

The University Mixtapes!

Sometime last week, some UCU and MUBS students made a mixtape of their bodies. It was so off the charts it went viral underground. The best part is, now people want the full album. Their mixtape was awesome it got people talking. It was so awesome we momentarily forgot Kendrick Lamar’s Control verse. Yeah, that serious. It was so awesome you need to read this too. So, I thought to myself, why not make a mixtape of my own.

Mixtape Image

I don’t think that you are ready ‘fi dis

Track 1: Burn Them feat Game.

Now, if you are into making mixtapes with bodies, remember burn, delete, delete from recycle bin. Have NO evidence. We all know some of you have it on you bucket lists, not sure how deep (the buckets) they are, but if you have it, make it and burn it. Remove all evidence of causing an eclipse because you don’t want people travelling to your Pakwach and asking for district rights for having such a magnificent sight.

Track 2: Get off my Phone feat Ludacris.

I don’t know about you, but mixtapes are personal and so are the gadgets used to make them. Screen protect, lock, swipe and delete all whatsapp groups that might have access to your phone. Make sure you hire security to guard your phone while you are sleeping and stop being nice to friends who want to make phone calls or text their friends from your phone. They just might be texting and whatsapping themselves your video.

Track 3: In the Bedroom feat 50 Cent

I walked into my bedroom and thoroughly checked for any hidden cameras. None the less, if you made any mixtape and don’t want to take credit, make sure your faces are not shown. Make sure that your face is also not part of the rapping such that people think its fake. This track is especially for people who are courageous enough to download BBM on android phones.

Track 4: Imagine Us (read a***) feat Kirk Franklin

Mixtapes of the bodies are never supposed to go viral. Let alone, we are not supposed to release them to the public that’s why they are always made underground. I just don’t understand people who do this thing above ground (during the day and in the light unlike in the dark). Again, mixtapes of the body are not done in HD like one of the rappers seemed to indicate while being wrapped by another. So, if you have high tech gadgets, keep them to yourself.

Track 5: Yesu Bera Naffe feat That woman who sang this song

For those with morals, kindly revise your bucket list. For us(not me)  who still want to make our mixtapes of the bodies, please, kindly go ahead. But listen carefully to the lyrics of the songs above.

Track 6: Solidad feat West Life

Where’s the solidarity? I also don’t know but if your friends are quick to give away your mixtape as fast as these ones did, and also make an appearance on the crazed black pepper newspapers for rappers to give you shout outs, telling us how you started from the bottom and rode up to the climax, then this song is for your hurt soul. It surely will speak to you.

Anyway. . .

Started from the bottom, now we here!

Started from the bottom, now we here!

I want to give a shout out to the readers, even the kafulu who’s poking their head just to read this awesome article. We love you and stay tuned for the next mixtape coming to a whatsapp near you.

Where Are They Now? Chauncey Black from Blackstreet

 

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One of them is Chauncey. The rest are black streets

 

Q: Your name is Chauncey Black for real? And you are from a group called Blackstreet? Isn’t that kind of silly? Like me being in a group called Bazooka cos my name is Baz? It sounds really forced.

A: Actually if you read Wikipedia you will find that it was. I was nicknamed Black, and there was another guy called Stonestreet. They put the names together and made Blackstreet.

You must feel so relieved the other guy was not called MacDios. Okay. Let’s start by refreshing the memories of the readers. You were in this group called Blackstreet, a 90s R&B group who liked to spell their name as BLACKstreet but I don’t have that time.

That’s right.

Most people know the group but don’t know the members’  names due to a severe shortage in the 90s of fucks to give about that sort of thing. So maybe you could start out by telling us who else was in the group.

Well, there was me then there was Teddy Riley, the leader, then there was …. Um…. Um….. um….

Dave Hollister, Eric Williams and the Stonestreet guy?

Yes, those ones. Hell, even I don’t remember them niggas’ names.

I wikipedia’d. Now, what were some of the songs you were known for in Blackstreet?

Well, there was Booty Call, Before I Let You Go,  Don’t Leave Me, Joy…

A booty call in those days

Booty call was about this

I have never heard of that last one.

You know “Joooooooy…”

Are you sure that wasn’t Usher?

No, Usher was  “Joooooooy”. Ours was “Jooooooooooy.”

That now sounds like Kenzo.

It was our song, okay? I know that for a fact, I co-wrote it.

You are sure?

I have no doubt.

Not even a diggity?

Ah. I see what you did there.

Yes, I am a humourist. So, what happened to Blackstreet?

The truth is that what happened was white boybands came along and took over.  Nsync, Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees and such like. It was a massacre. They just came and took over the market for male harmonizing music. We didn’t stand a chance. Ask the members of Silk.

What the hell was Silk? I don’t remember anyone called Silk.

See?

But I remember NSync. They were Justin Timberlake’s Destiny’s Child.

That’s them.

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So what did you end up doing? Drugs and groupies of annually decreasing quality until you found yourself in a gutter doing crack and that hoodrat Lakeesha?

Oh, no no. Actually, it so happened that I had an B.Sc in Chem before Blackstreet and since we actually used to hit back in the days when people bought music we had some money so I was able to go back to school. Now even have a Ph.D.

That is so awesome . You mean you are Dr Black? Dude you need to get back into music. Doctor Black is too cool a stage name to pass up.

Actually, Black was kind of a nickname. My real name, is Chauncey Hannibal.

YOU ARE DOCTOR HANNIBAL? I swear you MUST get back into Showbiz. You MUST!

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State House Down: What Happens When Bad Guys Raid The President’s Office?

Have you watched the movie White House Down? Those who haven’t probably think it’s about giving directions nti mbu that the White House is down those ends, but it’s not.

It’s about bad guys attacking the White House to kidnap and kill a President Obama called President Sawyer.

Now, we all know how cool it is when a country is attacked and things are blown and cars are chased and people die.

Unfortunately, much as we’d love for this to happen to other countries for a change, it can’t. It’s something to do with the way the American Constitution was drafted to restrict aliens, zombies and all bad guys to attacking the U.S. alone.

So the rest of us are left to just imagine it for ourselves. To imagine properly, we had to start by inducing boredom. So we tuned in to Hot 100.

Presenting 10 things that would happen if State House was attacked by the American Association of Bad Guys.

 State House Down

1. They’d beat security checks by holding NRM cards and chanting “CORRUPTION IS GOOD!!! CORRUPTION IS GOOD!!!”

2. Inside State House, they’d fire shots and order everyone to get on the floor or die. No one would care. So they’d shoot again and order everyone to get on the floor or they let GNL sing in English. Terrified, everyone would get down immediately.

3. Then they’d walk into the Oval Square Office and be surprised to find that it has a bush built within. Museveni would shoot at them from the bush.

4. The bush war would go on for 5 years.

5. Meanwhile back in Parliament, they’d swear in fellow president Bobi Wine to take over power.

6. To avert the crisis, President Wine would record a song about weed and send it to State House to smoke out the bad guys.

7. But he’d be arrested for writing letters.

8. Then there would be riots and disorder in every town in Uganda. Back in Kasangati, Besigye would get out of his house to see what’s happening but would be teargassed back in for trying to cause chaos.

9. General Mega Dee & his army would descend upon State House with deadly CDs rejected by radio stations to rescue the president.

10. After a successful rescue, the bad guys would be sentenced to death. But they’d get pardoned and be appointed ministers cos they had NRM cards.

Maurice Kirya 101. Paper 1

 

 

What is the correct spelling  of Maurice Kirya’s name?

a)      Mooreese Kirya

b)      Morris Kirya
c)       More Rice and Liver
d)      Young Reezy
e)      Old Reezy (Cos Kirya must be in his 30s now)

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Maurice Kirya’s character in The Hostel and Gilo (played by Johnny Bravo) are going to have a fight one day. Any time now. What will this fight look like?

a)      Karate Kid (the new one when Will Smith’s kid gets meleed ninety-eight percent of the movie.

b)      Neo in the Matrix vs Agent Smith

c)       Ben 10 vs Vilgax

d)      Robina Kisitu  vs  Twitter (seriously, this chick does not understand that you can’t tweet certain things when your boss has a computer?)

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Which of these instruments does Maurice Kirya play?

a)      Da Jitta

 

Besides that.

a)      A comb

b)      Sunglasses

c)       A fork

d)      The local governments code of ethics

 

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What is Kirya Live 2013?

a)      We see him those Ntinda sides oba?

b)      Doing without condo…

Don’t be silly. There may be kids reading this. Or Catholics.

a)      Kirya when his bodily functions are active and in good condition

b)      His concert coming up at the 18th of July at Serena.

c)       Why can’t I make the condom joke? Kids should know about condoms also.

d)      Gilo is also a musician called Matthew Nabwiso. Do you think he will come to the concert and steal the microphone batteries because of their beef over Patra?

Those are fictional characters. Nabwiso is probably buddies with Kirya. You never know.

a)      I hope not. If they are that will be kind of boring. I want them to fight.

b)      Maurice Kirya is also a fictional character. I only see him on TV and on the internet. How do we know that he is not also a fictional character

c)       By going to the concert, dumbass.

d)      This is no longer a test. The questions and answers are getting mixed up.

 

Who Or What Is An LK For?

prince-akeem-300x176

 

Who Or What Is LK 4?

Not who you think. You thought he was just some miscellaneous nigga there who saw the chance at free room and board in a luxury resort in outside countries for three months during which all he had to do was try to copulate with African women and drink heavily? But wait, my friend. There is more to LK4 than his three balls.

He has three testicles?

No, that is just a fancy way of saying somebody is a sports player. We say they have three balls. Lugudde has two testicles and one basketball. Or at least we assume there are two testicles. We DMd Zari to ask but she isn’t responding

 

ULKampala  @Zarithebosslady Hey Zari, hi. How many testes does LK4 have? #justasking

 

So what else is there to him, besides the nutsack?

It was revealed just before he left the Big Brother House, that Ivan Lugudde Katwe is actually a royal, a prince.

You mean like Akeem?

Worse, because he is, it is reported, second in line to the throne.

Mbu Second in line to rule? How come Sejusa never warned us about him?

Maybe it’s not the throne of Uganda per se. Maybe he is second in line to the throne of like a part of  Kisaasi.

Are you sure he wasn’t just drunk and talking shit? You know how these bakopi like getting drunk and talking shit.

Possibly. Because he also mentioned that his mum had 17 cars

But she kind of does. I mean if you assume he forgot to mention the words “former” and “Sugar” in that sentence.

What else was he up to in the Big Brother House?

Well, as we saw in the job description, trying to shag Africans from other countries.

Did he manage?

We understand that there was a South African called Cholesterol who was poised to give him some but then they both got evicted.

What? They dare evict the Prince? His Royal Supreme Highness Lugudde Katwe IV?

You’ve got the “highness” part right. I mean, how much do you have to drink to go on tv and tell the whole of Africa that you are the fucking prince of Uganda?

 

 

 

Who Or What Is A Denso?

This would have been one hell of a diary room session, though

This would have been one hell of a diary room session, though

 The one they call Denzel?

They can call him what they want. We call him Denso.

Tell us more about him. 

Denso is the latest fellow to join the list of men and women who answer to the title of “Former Ugandan Big Brother Housemate”. He joins names such as Gaetano, Sharon O, um…, thingy, gundi, so-and-so, oli, Frobisha Lwanga I think (I don’t remember clearly) and Sharon O’s legs cos they are so nice, you gotta count them twice.

What is Big Brother?

It’s a gripping, entertaining, addictive TV show where the continent’s bravest, smartest, most daring youths compete for supremacy to find out who is the best African of that year. Or that is what you would assume given all the hype. If you watch it as if looks like sociopaths locked up under surveillance so we can watch them come slowly undone.

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What did Denso do?

He gave bellybutton cunnilingus, farted, gave massages and danced as if the farts were trying to get back in.

What didn’t he do?

Wear clothes.

What?

I think he was trying to represent the plight of the impoverished African child who has inadequate access to food, clothing and shelter. At least to represent a third of that plight.

What else didn’t he do?

Win.

Heh heh.

I couldn’t resist.

So who is left in this Big Brother?

From what I can see, Usha from Mali, Rob Pilatus and Zari’s Windows Vista boyfriend.

Wait. Rob Pilatus? From Milli Vanilli?

Yup. He’s South African now.

Fab and Rob, aka Milli Vanilli

Fab and Rob, aka Milli Vanilli

 

I thought South Africans were supposed to be good at music.

Heh heh. You couldn’t resist either?

No, I couldn’t. Now the Zari commection?

Yeah. I am not sure which one is him, but one of them is the dude Zari balled when she had split up with her husband before he bought a Lambo and reconciliation occurred.

Are you going to give us regular updates on him?

They won’t be regular, and I wouldn’t trust them if I were you.

 

Imagine Big Brother trying to evict THIS Denzel

Imagine Big Brother trying to evict THIS Denzel

 

 

The Iryn Case: It Was All A Big Misunderstanding

Dear Iryn,

Baby, it’s so good to have you back. To see you back on home turf, on Ugandan soil, in the land where we made you, where we love you, where you can feel safe? That’s feels great. You can eat some katogo and mubisi and hoof and sing in that celestial voice of yours which everyone with satisfactory ears will agree is the most awesome voice since sonic vibrations first entered the stirrup hammer and anvil of human beings.

 

Chick you're just a drug yourself.

Your voice is just a drug itself.

 

I know it has been a tough experience for you while you were locked up in Japan for alleged drug trafficking and it can’t have been made easier by the fact that all these haters here were talking all that shit. I hear mbu you have been listening to too much Rick Ross and now you want to start slanging rocks internationally and be fly like a G6.

 

Eyo njaga

Eyo njaga

 

But me I always knew you were innocent. No, I’m not just saying that the way all these other stans say it. I really really knew you were innocent. It was all just a big misunderstanding.

You see, I told my guy to  put the drugs in the luggage of someone called Allan Mubiru. That is our usual guy. But you know Japanese and Ugandans share a weakness when it comes to the letters L and R so the fool heard his own things and put the stuff in the wrong bag.

I am really sorry for the inconvenience. I regret it even more than you would imagine because now that means my drugs are in police custody in Japan. That is a major loss for the business. Nobody regrets it more than me.

Except for a bunch of Japanese drug addicts who really need to get high but their score is in Tokyo PD lock up.

 

Love

The Kampala Kingpin

 

A Ninja’s Interview With BET Award Nominees Moze Radio & Weasel TV

By now I believe you’ve all heard that Ugandan entertainment appliances, Radio & TV were nominated for the 2013 BET Awards?

 

Radio & Weasel's new home

Radio & Weasel’s new home for ‘Best International Act’.

The BET Awards are not those of sports betting. They are what happens when a black entertainment television station from outside countries pokes its nose in talented people’s business like this.

 

"This is to show that you guy I swear you can sing!"

“This is to allow that you guy I swear you can sing!”

We sent highly-skilled ninjas down to Radio & Weasel’s home in Microsoft Word to steal an interview and deliver it to ULK headquarters for the pleasurement of our readers.

ULK: We are meeting…

R&W: Tu-meetinga…

ULK: I’ll start with a question that has secured a special place in hell for many Ugandan interviewers. They’ve molested it a lot but you know our judicial system.

Radio: What’s the question?

ULK: Where did it all start?

Radio: Well, I grew up in…

ULK: Just playing LOL. No one ever really wants to know that crap. We’ll just assume it started when you became awesome and people everywhere allowed.

 

Radio & Weasel put good things in microphones as people put their hands up in allowment.

Radio & Weasel put things in microphones as people wave their hands in allowment.

Radio: Thank you!

ULK: So why do you start speaking in tongues halfway the song?

Radio: No, that’s Weasel’s part.

Weasel: Ya man! Weasal ma nizzo wuiyuivu bmre vfuihqwuj vipq pfzqxpir bvhuew uiuqwiugfwee!!!

ULK: I see. Does he understand himself?

Radio: Yeah! Everyone understands him.

ULK: Why don’t you guys get an interpreter? And then it becomes Radio & Weasel & Interpreter… or before Weasel’s part, the DJ could pause the song and ask people on the dance floor to first open Google Translate.

Weasel: Hpldjiore vfufhhsdnhiv sduhajwiov uwhuicn uqqijifm fjhehwqjimjsd osn ocheio oiq jiqjjfpjopjnhshvuibgdghui aioh  uishefi qho aqiohfoq ohwea fhhz fuawheh hwehrioh zxcnbvz sfgq fauyq nduiwjk db awbwqbigb a hqvgh aba bqbvuftywfbv c nmsbjppdpj fbn aoh hd????!!!!

ULK: What did he say?

Radio: He asked what you meant.

ULK: Tell him…

Weasel: I speak English, badman!

ULK: Oh! Maybe the one you were speaking earlier is for reptiles. Anyway, so now that you guys have been elevated high up to a point where many Ugandan artistes reach only when they smoke weed, are you going to start bragging?

Weasel: No, that’s not our thing. We are humbled and very thankful to our friends, family, colleagues and, most of all, our fans for pushing us to…

ULK: What are you doing??!

Weasel: Sorry?

ULK: That doesn’t sound like bragging. When you win an international nomination, you’re supposed to brag until your haters kill themselves. I don’t write these laws. It’s your MPs. We just have to follow them.

Weasel: I don’t think people will like it.

ULK: They’ll think you’re being good citizens.

Radio: Okay… EAT KAZAMBI, HATEEEEEERS!!! MUSUMAGIRA, FFE ENSI ETUWAGIRA! GUDLYF FOR LIFE!!!

 

Radio & Weasel enjoying their constitutional right to bragging.

Radio & Weasel enjoying their constitutional right to braggery.

Weasel: …zqwuyeweuhq qhiwh wqhuqwd whqiodh qwhwqwd ohqfhiowqhfio…

Google Translate:

Your search – zqwuyeweuhq qhiwh wqhuqwd whqiodh – did not match any languages.

Suggestions:

  • Make sure all words are sung correctly.
  • Just nod your head and stop stressing.

What Your Music Says About You

Music is the universal language which can say different things to different people at the same time. For example, you know what you want your favourite music to say about you. But to other people is saying something else completely.

 

As a forexampo to demonstrate:

 

ROCK

 

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What You Want It To Say: I am an independent thinker. I don’t just follow the crowd. Me I am not afraid of trying new things. I am daring and open minded. I am cleverer and more sophisticated than these falas who listen to junk like Ke$ha and stuff. Simanyi Wiz Khalifa. Me I listen to music, real instruments, people, which makes it more intellectual than simanyi Gal A Bubble. Also, the lyrics of rock songs are deep man. And I get them. Which means I am also deep.

 

What It Says To Other People: This one just wants to be white.

miley-cyrus-party-in-the-usa-single

 

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OLDIES

 

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What You Want It To Say: I appreciate true beauty that has stood the test of time. Sounds that were created in a when the world was richer, purer and more wholesome. I feel that this is not the case today. Music made in contemporary times is all, without exception, poor. Yes. I actually believe that since 1988 not a single human being in the entire planet has made a single good song. Before 1988 every song was a work of genius but the expiry date of human talent was December 31, 1989 and since then EVERY SINGLE SONG has sucked. I hate Flo Rida and LMFAO and lump them in the same toilet as John Legend and Adele.

 

What It Says To Other People: You have no imagination but you think this is a good thing.

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HIP HOP

the-roots-undun

What You Want It To Say: Man, I am clued in to a cutting edge of innovative and intricate and complicated music. Not only the music. The whole culture of it. Really cool people, who are tough and rich and dangerous and very active sexually and all those admirable things. Those are the ones I associate with. Real nigga shit, dawg. Not like you softies.

What Other People Think: 

YANG

soulja-boy

Skinny-Jeans