Category Archives: Business

The Real Book On How To Succeed In Life. All Other Books Are Lying.

Want to get rich? Don’t worry. All it takes is reading my book and you’ll get money. I took some time off my very busy schedule of rich people to write seven good tips for you because I care so much about you even if I don’t know you or will never even meet you.

Except maybe when you come to beg me for an autograph.

Chapter One

Welcome, poor person. Yes, you’re poor. Why else are you reading this? You’re poor and I’m rich, something I’m going to gloat about whenever I get a chance in this article, just because it feels good when we rich people look down upon you filthy, deprived underdogs.

Chapter Two

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t enjoy bragging about my richness. Okay I do but I’m actually not rich right now. I’ll be rich when every poor person uses their filthy, hard-earned money to buy my book. So in principle, I’m rich in advance. That’s the first lesson. Start by believing. Believe I am rich.

Chapter Three

Gloat gloat gloat I’m rich I’m rich I’m rich nya nya nya nya nya nya nya nya nya. But enough about me. Let’s talk about you. Move on to the next chapter to hear good things about yourself.

Chapter Four

You’re poor.

Chapter Five

But honestly. Really. If I were really rich, would I honestly waste my precious time writing tips for you poor people? I’d pay you to write tips for yourself.

Chapter Six

And even if I got tired of being on TV and other things rich people do for fun, and sat down to write a book, why would I give the whole world tips on how to get rich? No, really. Think about it. Or not. The fact that you bought my book (Edited for Africa: borrowed my book from a friend or downloaded it from Piratebay) means you don’t think. So I’ll help you and just explain.

Poor person, I don’t want you to be rich like me. I alone want to own the world and buy land on other planets that are not even mentioned in the Bible or NASA’s Facebook page.

Chapter Seven

Seriously, if I ever publish a book on how to be rich, don’t believe anything I say in that book. I’ll just be trying to keep you away from real work. I honestly don’t want you to be rich and share my spotlight. Go and report me to your parents.

 

UMEME Increases Electricity Rates On Idea Bulb

The cost of thinking sensibly in Uganda has shot up sorely after the sole electricity company in the country increased electricity tariffs on the famous bulb that lights up whenever someone suddenly gets an idea.

According to UMEME managing director Charles Chapman, the move is meant to curb the rate at which Ugandans are suddenly realizing how much the company is cheating them. “People are getting ideas that we are cheating by unnecessarily hiking power tariffs, which is true. But we don’t like it when people start making noise for us in the media and reporting us to the government. It means they are becoming clever,” he said.

He explained that since people were getting such brilliant ideas from the thought part of their brains, they decided to hike the already high cost of thinking in Uganda. “Whenever someone thinks of something sensible, it will most probably work against crooks like us. So we sat down and decided that everyone who wanted to think properly would have to pay double. The government fully supports us because the hike also works in their favour.”

Thinkers walk to UMEME to pay their bills

Chapman also warned those involved in thought theft to desist from the habit or face severe and hiked punishment. He noted that because thought power tariffs had been increased, some people were already resorting to using wires and other illegal methods to steal thoughts and ideas from their neighbours at night. “You can easily be ideacuted. It’s dangerous.”

Local airline sues beer company for rights infringement

Air Uganda has dragged Uganda Breweries Limited to court for illegally running flight services lawfully registered to and patented by the airline. A statement made by the airline’s lawyers asserted that the beer company was ‘getting people high’ yet it was the airline’s job to do that.

UBL customers boarding a flight

“I only found out about Uganda Breweries’ criminal actions when I went to Cayenne on Saturday to book a seat for this Sanyu FM party with Mr. DJ BK,” said an Air Uganda employee. “A young man behind me was conversing about how a beer called Tusker had taken him to the clouds and how he was planning to get high again next weekend. I said eh! And then I reported to my boss immediately!”

The airline’s head lawyer, Mr. Oloya Ayisu said that it was despicable because most of Uganda Breweries’ customers did not even own passports. “It is very illegal to fly without a valid passport and I think this is why their flights are mostly at night when we’re not looking. This has to stop.”

Another enjoys his flight in first class

Charcoal stove could have caused Owino fire- Police

According to police, a charcoal stove, so far only identified as Gerome (with a “G”) might have been the cause of the fire that gutted part of the famous Owino market on Tuesday night. It appears that Gerome (with a G) maliciously left himself lit overnight and so caused the devastating fire.
“I remember that particular stove.” Said Mzee Kawekwa, a G-nut and pencil rubber salesman, “It was a frisky little stove that one,” he reminisced fondly. “always making jokes… always ready with a sarcastic remark.”
Police believe Gerome decided to do this dastardly deed, (Though he could also have had an emotional meltdown. Authorities haven’t yet recovered conclusive evidence) when his heart was broken by one Salome, a charcoal saleswoman from stall 242. How his heart could exactly be broken is still a matter that is being investigated by police. Charcoal stoves are not famous for their cardio-vascular systems, brittle or otherwise.
“That is nonsense. He was all heart. When he would see her round the skip the small puddle near the sneakers. All of him would glow! What do you call that? His love for her burnt bright. It surely did.”
Mzee Kawekwa who seems to have been nursing a small stove crush for a while, was in tears by the time he finished telling the story of the stove and the charcoal maiden. Several police officers had already walked off in disgust at this point.
“That sick old man needs a beating. Spat Officer Spita. “And you people of urban legend. Do you have a license to make fun of what are beyond doubt national tragedies?”
We don’t, but you can’t blame us for taking advantage of ambiguous headlines in our leading dailies.

Hell closed for renovation, ghosts stranded

Yesterday’s Halloween celebrations marked the start of a new era for Hell after it was abruptly shut down for general repairs. CEO and co-founder, Satan Lucifer made the announcement at a few minutes past midnight, immediately halting all soul burning and entry into Hell.

“We feel our customers now deserve better than this 4th Century BC technology. The equipment is so old and cannot satisfy the ever-increasing number of souls coming in every day,” he said. “We felt, well, I felt the need for an upgrade. I’ve imported 21st Century tech but it will take some time before my demons get used to the way it works.”

Among the imported machines is the long-awaited XT-Misery 707. It can burn up to 20 billion souls in one go and comes with lots of fantastic upgrades including Soul Scream Mute and Custom-Burn that automatically apportions the temperature according to one’s sins. “We are really excited to have this fiery beast. It’s customized to know how much pain to inflict to a soul according to age, profession and level of sin. It generates most of its info from Facebook.”

Unfortunately, the announcement left many ghosts stranded at the gates of hell, much to their chagrin. One soul protested: “What the hell! Look, I didn’t commit suicide just to come out here and be idle. There’s no food, no water, no TV…this is not fair. If the situation is not resolved soon, I’m hanging myself.”

MUK, MUBS, Kyambogo cut retake rates

After UCU Mukono cut their exam retake rates by half just last week, the retake price war has taken an interesting turn. Now MUK, MUBS and Kyambogo University have matched the move by cutting their cross-semester retake rates up to 3 retakes per student.

The new retake rates are now the most affordable cross-semester rates in Uganda. Under the university promotion dubbed ‘Yabba’, customers on MUK are able to move from 6 retakes to 3 retakes after completing the first 5 retakes, but this only applies to on-campus exams. Those on MUBS and Kyambogo enjoy a uniform rate of 3 retakes for both prepaid and postpaid students while those on UCU Mukono enjoy 5 retakes. The rates apply to both on-campus and off-campus exams.

In light of the new developments, UCU which started the retake price war by cutting their 10 retakes to 5 retakes, said they are ready to go even lower to 3 retakes. “The first move was meant to stir the retake market for the benefit of the students and we are glad our goal has been achieved. Now we shall go even lower to 3 retakes,” Vice Chancellor, Dr John Senyonyi promised. “And our offer is permanent.”

The Uganda university industry is now the fiercest in Africa with over 30 universities competing to increase their student subscriber base.

International girlfriend summit starts

Girlfriends and several relationship dignitaries worldwide have converged in Kampala for a 2-week summit that will be hosted at Munyonyo Commonwealth Resort and Serena Hotel by current IGS president, H.E Tracy Kalungi. Speaking at the opening ceremony the IGS head revealed that this year’s main theme of discussion will be “hooking up on Facebook”.

Topics to be covered will range from the worryingly increasing rate of Facebook breakups to the irritating jealous boyfriend tantrums. “We feel there’s an urgent need to extend a helping hand to the underprivileged and suffering girlfriend population in Africa especially considering their boyfriends don’t spend on them much these days. They are afflicted and in dire need of expensive food, more expensive clothes and even more expensive places to stay,” commented United States IGS representative Hailey McAdams.

Another representative from Japan, Kotsuni Kujamawa added that the girlfriend transport sector alone required billions of dollars in funding. “We cannot have our African sisters being taken to dates in things like Ipsums,” she said.

The summit is an annual event hosted in different countries by different heads. The heads serve annual terms and this year’s summit will see the election of a new IGS president.