Category Archives: Features

Things that make Uganda, indeed, the pearl of Africa

Oh Ugaaaanda, May God uphol…wait, isn’t there a remix to this club banger? We are tired of sounding like tired Neanderthals. Anyways, Uganda is an awesome state. Look around. Awesomeness. It is deemed the pearl of Africa; a title it has possessed from way back since God was still a kid. It’s like after the competitions of Who Wants To Be The Pearl Of Africa (which were won by Uganda), the sponsors ran bankrupt and migrated back home. No other country has since shown interest in being the pearl of Africa. And here, nice people, are the things that make this sovereign state a pearl of Africa.

 

. The country is peppered with magic that mysteriously make things vanish and disappear in both thick and thin air. Government funds have steadily continued to disappear in the forests. Recently, ivory worth $1billion (1,300kg) has since disappeared from UWA and there are allegations that elephants came and retrieved back their ivory. There are also rumours that girls disappear from boys after downing a few beers and yanking out the boys’ pulp cavity. You will never trace her whereabouts even though you use Google Maps. Uganda!

. It is that time of the year when the country is about to qualify for African Cup of Nations. Because it is a pearl of Africa and such a special nation, the government, together with FUFA, hire the best mathematicians in the country. The players, too, walk in the football pitch with calculators, a ruler, graph papers and a set in their pockets because, you know what, Maths Test!

. After the passing of different bills by parliament, the most relevant bill to date is the UMEME bill. And of course, the bill from Maama Nansikombi’s place after a hefty lunch. Dogs ate other bills.

. Uganda has Fr. Lokodo. Other countries don’t have, duh. We are cool like that.

. Because, in here, the president wears the pants. He wakes up one day and tells his Prime Minister that, “Dude, toss me that seat,” and he calls another dude standing in the corner and gives him the seat. The Prime Minister then walks out and goes to rear ducks.

. Also, the crocodiles, eh.

 

On Desire Luzinda: What the president should do

A few moons ago, Uganda and other neighboring continents were awash with pictures of a naked frame purportedly thought to be belonging to Desire Luzinda. “Desire, who?” The people, after sniffing such good news, fell over themselves trying to grab hold of the pictures before Fr. Lokodo could wake up and snatch their phones. The naked pictures spread like wild fire across the country, jumping from phone to phone like grasshoppers.

However, by the time the pictures filtered through, the president’s social media accounts were rumored to have been hacked. I am sure the smart hacker extended his pudgy hands and hacked his WhatsApp as well and crossed all his blue ticks. That bastard! The president didn’t receive the pictures and was only given lugambo from his bigmouthed aide Tamale Mirundi, who only fed him sketchy information. But this is what the president should do to Desire Luzinda to reward her for her heroic, bold and developmental leap she took.

Send her for peace talks

Desire Luzinda, as witnessed in the undressed pictures, flashed a V-sign which signifies peace. The president, thus, should seize this opportunity and send Desire for peace talks to countries at war, say, in South Sudan where Machar and Kiir are plucking each other’s feathers. Ah, read the newspapers to know why they are fighting.

Naked truth

The president should task Desire Luzinda, because she was naked, to reveal the naked truth about the opposition’s agenda and how they currently go to work after abandoning walking to work. Do they crawl to work?

To clean her up

Because those were dirty pictures, the president should task KCCA and NWSC to clean her up and wash those dirty pictures so that investors can freely come into this country without being afraid of stains.

Use her on his posters

Desire Luzinda is a global icon, isn’t she? Okay, she is not. But still, she is widely known and loved in equal measure especially by the men faction of society that built shrines on her where they privately worshipped her meaty thighs. The president, to avoid falling flat on his back come 2016, he should use her on his posters to garner support. If I was president, I would first lock Janet in the kitchen before slapping those pictures on my posters.

She should cover opposition’s eyes

Desire Luzinda had some decency even when she posed for the Kodak moment (I just wanted to use the phrase ‘Kodak moment’). She covered her nipples with her palms. She is good at covering. Even if your eyes are as big as her butt, you couldn’t see her stiff nipples. So, the president should instead use her to cover the opposition’s eyes so that they lose vision for this country. Yes, especially Besigye’s beady eyes.

 

Nyumirwanyoooo…oh!!

 

 

Why Create New Districts? An Interview With Govt’s Department Of Districts.

To date, Uganda has granted asylum to more than 110 districts, making it the districtest country in the world. But even then, recently, a parliamentary committee recommended the creation of five new districts. To explain the meaning of this, we kidnapped a government official from the department of districts for an interview.

Thank you for honouring our invitation, sir.

It was irresistible.

Head of Districts

Let’s delve right in. We want to talk to you about districts.

No problem. You want one?

Uganda now has 111 districts. And yet you’re still creating more.

Yes, a lot of people are winning.

Winning?

Yes. We have this promotion. It’s a Christmas promo we do every year. Next year we’ll give out ten new districts.

What’s the promo about?

It’s dubbed ‘Who Wants A District’ and participants have to be Ugandan to qualify. Those who are not Ugandan are required to lie that they are Ugandan before they become eligible.

How exactly are the districts given out?

They are transported from parliament-we use Fusos mostly-and taken to where the winners stay. Depending on the level of winning, the districts can come with added bonuses. The top winner gets a district complete with people inside, the first runner-up gets an empty district, and the second runner-up gets just people.

Where does he put the people if he has no district?

Well, that depends on him. We try not to tell them what to do with their prizes.

I see. Aren’t you concerned that with all these annual promos, the number of districts may, at some point, become too big?

There’s nothing like too many districts, my friend. Districts are like air. Can there be too much air?

That’s not really a fitting analogy.

Exactly. Without air, we all die.

But I don’t see how…

Look, do you read the Bible?

Occasionally, yes.

There’s a verse that says, “Innovation distinguishes between a leader and a follower.”

That’s Steve Jobs.

What it basically means is those who don’t have districts are followers. And we as a country want to be leaders.

I think you’re reading the wrong Bible.

And that’s why we need districts.

How To Bag That Vote For President

It’s gonna be an election year in a couple of months and you know what that means. That’s right, the candidates are going to go to outrageous lengths to swing the youth vote their way. The incumbent took to rap as a means of showing that he was hip and cool and all that, but how is he going to get people to take notice come next election period, you don’t actually want another rap, do you? {I’m intentionally being vague seeing as the elections may or may not be in 2016 depending on how the decision makers feel about freebies around that time}

Has anyone considered the possibility he was actually voting by touchscreen?

Has anyone considered the possibility he was actually voting by touchscreen?

Turns out, M7 has already started with the ”Cool-cool” already by jumping on the selfie bandwagon, so now all that remains is to see how the opposition is going to even the playing field. With rap and photography already done and dusted, there’s only so much you can do…

TROLLING :  Verb | The art of deliberately, cleverly, and secretly pissing people off, usually via the internet, using dialogue.

The most likely candidate to pull this off is Warren B. He has proven that he has the chops to annoy people by merely walking, imagine what he can do if he really applied himself? Of course there is still that hurdle he has to jump over; getting the president to accept his friendship request on facebook. While he waits, he can hope to high heavens that the selfie the president took appears on instagram or twitter where he can post remarks such as, “At least I have the foresight to keep my eyes open in photos lol”

FOXING: Verb | Claiming you will do something and then not delivering at the last minute

You can NOT, and I repeat NOT {to be able to make my word limit}, get any more youthful than this. Scores of young uns are familiar with the concept and are usually easy to recognise as the ones that have been forced to share that bottle of krest in the club because their sponsor ‘foxed’. In case you are reading this and thinking, “Hang on a minute, I know a guy that did that,” you’re right, but I doubt Otunnu will be rehashing that move. What is this, his taste in fashion?

TWIRRA: Popular online destination for people with stage fright to express a brief 140 character long opinion

Now this is not really very conducive for our politicians because, let’s face it, even when they shouldn’t, they have a lot to say. Think birthday parties for instance, “I would like to wish this young girl a happy birthday. Happy birthday young girl. May you grow up to be a force of change. Let the people who see you allow! The struggle is real. Speaking of struggles, when we first had elections, we didn’t think things would come to this. But you see how they have become. Anyway, God is there. But you need to also hope for free and fair elections. A country without these, is no country for old men. You see us here, but there will be blood. As you look around you, take not of the faces. Some of these people don’t wish you well. They are cubs in lambs’ clothing. Do you know what a cub is? Actually, they are the mafia…” … and that’s the guy you will expect to follow on twitter?

SEX TAPES: Let’s save this one for the Guild Elections article

HANGING OUT AT THE NEW MALLS; KFC, PLANET YOGHURT, LA PATISERRIE, CINEMAS etc

The problem with this is you can not shake off the feeling that it will eventually turn messy with the politician trying to convince you that it is in your best interest to actually pay for his meal. Failing that, the conversation will get drawn out unnecessarily with people observing that the mini-skirt law didn’t actually kick in, or, and this happened to me, there are greater threats than that stupid law after all; People who go to these places for the sheer sake of doing maalo and having their pictures taken. FACT. Just because you posed in front of one of ours, there’s no real reason the person at the visa office will let you go and pose in front of one of theirs.

PHOTOBOMBING: The act of showing up uninvited in someone else’s photograph.

This is fast gaining traction and there is no real reason a politician shouldn’t leap on this particular bandwagon. All they need to know before hand is that for a photobomb to work, they need to actually be the secondary party in the shot. It does not make sense for someone to wrap their hands around you like some needy octopus clamoring for attention and then smugly declaring, “Ha, I exploded your photograph”

 

 

What If Uganda Was Governed By Musicians?

It started with a simple observation. That Justin Bieber can pull off the same level of governance in Uganda right now. And then our Finance Manager paid the electricity bill for the idea bulb and wham! What if Uganda was governed by entertainers? Why not? It already is.

HipHop Uganda

Uganda Cabinet, 2014

President: Kanye West

Because he won’t accept that his best days are behind him.

 

Vice President: Kim Kardashian

Public figure for no reason really.

 

Prime Minister: Katy Perry

Because a Prime Minister is effective if they have Twitter to show for it.

 

Speaker of Parliament: Taylor Swift

Because the president doesn’t like her. But everyone else does.

 

Deputy Speaker of Parliament: Liam Payne

Because some people can only be known through Google.

 

Presidential Spokesperson: Justin Bieber

It doesn’t matter if he makes sense or not, people will always like to make fun of him.

 

Lord Mayor, Kampala City: Lil Wayne

More noise, less sense.

 

Minister of Education: R.Kelly

It’s much more fun to just pee on the teachers.

 

Minister of Works & Transport: Snoop Dogg

Look, I like pot.

Pot

And I like holes.

Holes

So why not just make things easier?

Snoophole

 

Minister of Ethics: Diddy

Starting today, I decree that you call me Puff Daddy. No, Daddy means child support. Call me P. Diddy. No, Sean Combs. No, remove the Combs, I like my hair the way it is. No, Diddy. Just Diddy. No…screw this! I’m bored. Let’s play another game. It’s called Miniskirts.

Me I Was Misquoted: Minister Denies Banning Miniskirts

Last year, Uganda’s Minister of Miniskirts Simon Lokodo told women to stay off miniskirts. This year, we find out that it wasn’t meant in the “don’t wear them” sense, but in the “don’t do anything bad to them because they are precious to me” sense.

Here’s our interview with the Regional Head of Miniskirts.

Loko

ULK: Good morning, Simon Lokodo.

Loko: Well done.

ULK: Let’s dig right in.

Loko: I didn’t dig into my wife’s phone last night to check if she was playing sex with other men. I was misquoted.

ULK: No, that’s…WHAT?!

Loko: You talked about digging.

ULK: LOL.

Loko: So you didn’t talk about digging? Meaning you were misquoted?

ULK: No!

Loko: Which means you were misquoted. Now do you get my precament?

ULK: Predicament.

Loko: What did I say?

ULK: Precament.

Loko: I was misquoted.

ULK: Must be your favourite excuse.

Loko: We’ve know each other from way back.

ULK: You and the excuse?

Loko: Yes. We first met in primary school when my P.3 science teacher accused me of calling someone a baboon.

ULK: And you were misquoted?

Loko: Yes. I didn’t call someone a baboon. I called somebody a baboon. There’s a difference.

ULK: Is that what happened when you banned miniskirts?

Loko: Yes.

ULK: What exactly did you say?

Loko: That they are banned and women should not wear them.

ULK: And how were you misquoted?

Loko: Do you want some tea? Coffee? I just remembered I didn’t offer you anything. Which, if you think about it, is very shameful for a whole Minister of Integrity. Where are my integrities?

ULK: Mister Lokodo, I have a really long day today. There are movies I have to watch and drinks I have to finish. Can we get back to the issue please?

Loko: Oh yes, tea or coffee?

ULK: Miniskirts.

Loko: I have only tea and coffee.

ULK: Did you or did you not ban miniskirts?

Loko: Yes.

ULK: Yes, you did, or yes, you did not?

Loko: Yes.

ULK: Lokodo, did you ban miniskirts?

Loko: Fffssshhh…fffssssshhhhhh…Hello? Hello? I can’t hear you! I’m driving through a tunnel.

ULK: Boss, this is not a phone interview. Stop playing.

Loko: Fffssshhh…krrrrrrr…fffsssshhhhh…I can’t hear you! Helloooo?

ULK: Good day.

Loko: Now I can hear you.

14 People To Watch In ’14 | Part 02

Master Ragga Gangsta Ivan Lee started the count last week, and I’m here to finish it. Cos they call me The Finisher. The Ender. The Fullstopper. The Period. Wait! Okay, let’s move on.

Aamito Stacie

Frankly, I didn’t know about this girl until I was told this morning that some Ugandan somewhere had won something.

Ninja Aamito

The conversation went something like:

  • Who has won?
  • The Aamito chick.
  • Won what?
  • Africa’s Next Top Model. You didn’t know?
  • Like a singing competition or?
  • No, dwanzie! Modeling stuff.
  • Good for her! Who again??

So yeah, watch out for this one. She just creeps up on competitions and wins things fwaaa.

Sshh

Janet Museveni

Back in 2013, she didn’t go for public HIV testing with her husband like she was supposed to. Cos she was still training. But after she’s done, she will unleash the biggest and grandest of all public HIV testings.

Kale Kayihura

The police chief’s love for teargas blossoms every other month. I heard he proposed to it late last year. Now he plans to introduce it to friends, family and the general public all year long. Although he has been introducing it for a while now. But you know relationships.

Alex Ndawula

Two thousand years ago, Jesus made a promise that He will one day come back. Around the same time, this Capital FM muchacha made the same promise. But even with the advent of stiff competition from other DJs and MCs, we haven’t lost hope that the self-proclaimed baddest badman on radio will make the promised comeback. One day.

Kid Fox

An unexpected guest on the list but still list-worthy mostly cos he represents a big chunk of failed artistes. As a diehard fan, I have, for the longest time, waited for Kid Fox to sprout into, say, Adult Fox but been hurt every year as my hope was crushed. Same as my other best musician Red Banton. From the beginning, I knew Red Banton’s career was doomed to stop. Cos, you know, Red? Traffic lights? I’ve never understood why he didn’t just change names to ‘Green Banton’. But there’s still hope.

 

A changed man

A changed man

Sexual Intercourse

I know we’re supposed to be talking about ‘people’ but judging by the rate at which sex tapes are being released, we can only assume the sex is acting on its own. Especially since the owners of the sex hide it inside the tapes but are somehow always shocked to find that it escaped and talked to reporters.

Unfortunately, this trend is bound to continue unless people start having sex in heavily secured environments like police stations or Besigye’s house.

Tamale Mirundi

He’s probably the most controversial presidential spokesperson in the world, a title he has rightfully earned from the way he bizarrely twists conversations. He’s that dude in school who barged into a conversation about the latest Apple technology with talk about the growth of agriculture in Uganda and how he also likes fruits. He’s that kind of guy. When he’s asked to make sense, he agrees that yes, he knows about Hisense televisions but doesn’t know how to make them.

14 People To Watch in ’14 | Part 01

Taking a cue from one of the dailies, we have gone ahead and assumed that you guys have nothing better to do with your lives than have someone tell you who to look at and for what reason. It’s not you, it’s us. We are pricks that way and you are our unwitting prey. Apologies. But hey, seeing as you made it this far, here are the people that will do something sometime this year….

Juliana

The singer was most recently involved with a guy many claim to be a South African doctor of some sort… We are not comfortable ascertaining of witch persuasion. As we write this, there are photos clogging my ‘whatsapp’ account and getting in the way of my New Year’s messages. Rumour has it that there’s also a sex tape, but my supplier around one of Kisementi’s pavements claims there’s no clear copy yet. We don’t really care for celebrity porn because it just leads to the sprouting of Kardashian-esque tendencies, so we will keep things simple and watch Juliana for her body of work, and not for her body.

This is a studio. Musicians like to come here and make noises. In that regard, it's like a hotel room, except that no one we know has ever been kicked out over not paying for its use.

This is a studio. Musicians like to come here and make noises. In that regard, it’s like a hotel room, except that no one we know has ever been kicked out over not paying for its use.

Mubiru

The former Sports Club Villa manager has accusations of sodomy hanging over his head and was until recently hiding outside our borders. For whatever reason, he chose to come back, was arrested, promptly thrown in to a cell and probed in what may or may not have been the best 36 hours of his life. Word going around is that he was recently dismissed, ending a scenario a member of the public equated to being akin locking the proverbial fox in the henhouse. This puts the public in a compromising position seeing as, when it is passed, the law will require you to identify homosexuals or risk being thrown to jail. If you see him, for your safety, look the other way. That’s “look” not “turn”.

When you place a ball in front of some, they figure they will have a field day...

When you place a ball in front of some, they figure they will have a field day…

Bad Black

Shanita has gone through the kind of crazy transformation over the past couple of years that would have the legendary King of Pop asking her to slow her roll. The reason she makes this list is borne of concern more than anything. When the public first met her she was a rich Chocolate Brown, then she got thrown in the pen, took on a shade of yellow (the uniform, try to keep up) and after her release, assumed the shade of a geisha. We are appealing to the public to watch Bad Black in 2014 because with the way she is going, it is apparent she is going for transparent.

You know it's only a matter of time...

You know it’s only a matter of time…

University Lecturers

Remember what we said about the students being competitive? Well, the lecturers sort of are like that, except that they don’t seem to suffer the same rebuke. Really, you’d think John Q Public would wag a finger as they admonished the lecturer thus, “Shame upon you! A Big Boy!”. But for some reason, we all put aside our grievances with lecturers and sympathise with them. Sure you could see the cobwebs hanging from the punch-lines of regurgitated ‘jokes’, but somehow you suddenly feel for them when they strike.

Judith

We paid her no mind in 2013 and the year ended with nude pics of the (and I really loathe this word) socialite. J-Heard’s our friend and I think in the interest of keeping her privates out of the public, we will do well to pay more attention to her. And in all sincerity, by the time this goes up (the article) (not the other thing) we could very easily be the only people who will not have not seen her. In the words of a soccer manager that decided to turn himself in, “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”.

So, er, this what the internet throws at you when you refine your J H search and add the words, 'with clothes on'….

So, er, this what the internet throws at you when you refine your J H search to include the words, ‘with clothes on’….

University Students NOT from UCU

University students are notoriously competitive. When one lot goes on strike, you can bet your ass, another will follow suit. With the whole sex-tape thing from last year, we can only expect that other institutions of higher learning will want to top what was done. In a big way. We can practically see the next producer ditching his cameo role and participating in some other capacity. They really should bring back English Language lessons, otherwise we will have more hip-hop lingo messing up our vieiwing experience, “Yo! Now drop it like it’s hot, as in…”

The Princess

In case you were wondering, yes, for legal reasons we cannot identify her by name. We will not even drop hints. All will say is, thus far, her leaked pictures are the only ones you will not be embarrassed about being caught with. No, really, if someone walked in on you in the middle of your ‘date with palmella handerson’, you would not fumble to hide the picture and issue an apology. In fact, the closest you will come to contrition will be the following line, “You guy! First switch on your Bluetooth and I hook you up. Anti you don’t have data?”.

To Be Continued…

Duties & Responsibilities Of The Uganda Police Fire Brigade

Owino market has caught fire for the fourth time and everyone is hurling blame at the Fire Brigade for not acting in time, always. Well, for starters, they are called the ‘Fire Brigade’ not ‘Fire Fighters’. Yes, fire is their business but not flames. Flames are not good people. So don’t get it twisted. According to the constitution, the Uganda Police Fire Brigade is responsible for:

1. Firing employees.

2. Firing up crowds.

3. Getting fired up for parties.

4. Singing Fireman by Lil Wayne.

5. Watching Man on Fire by Denzel Washington.

6. Cheering wildly as this guy from Fantastic Four does his thing.

NRM fire dude

7. Firing teargas when Besigye walks.

8. Firing answers when journalists fire questions.

9. Looking for fire to light their cigarettes.

10. Calling the radio and asking the DJ for Firefly by Owl City.

11. Downloading porn using Firefox.

12. Anything but stopping fires. Cos fires are adults. They don’t need to be coerced into stopping.

Kicked Out: What Next For The Lord Mayor?

Many men love attention. Some love to cry like little babies and have naked women run to their rescue while others prefer to just become Lord Mayor.

Unfortunately, Erias Thuglife Lukwago has been robbed of this responsibility. The poor idiot has been – how do you say ‘kicked the shit out of his seat’ without sounding mean?

Lukwagmire

So what’s next for someone who was supposed to just be attending ceremonies but got kicked out for not attending them properly?

1. Start your own ceremonies.

The position of Lord Mayor is only ceremonial. So when one’s ceremonies are taken away, why not go solo? Throw a massive birthday party and turn one of the speakers towards KCCA screaming, “Take that, b#@&?%$s! I gat my own ceremonies now!”

2. Or you could just start an events company.

LM Events

3. Become an MC.

What better way to be ceremonial than to become a Master of Ceremonies? The Fire Base Crew recently placed an ad in Monitor & New Vision asking for an MC with a KCCA background. Only that the ad didn’t run. Being a Lord Mayor was an added advantage because, you know, they are all talk.

4. Buy your own teargas.

One of the privileges of being Lord Mayor is you enjoy free teargas whenever you walk the streets. But who needs donated teargas when you can buy your own, right? And then walk like a boss cos, believe it or not, in Uganda, having your own teargas is a sign that you’ve made it big in politics.

5. Become a presidential advisor.

In Uganda, anyone can be presidential advisor. All you have to do is be a political failure. Even a baby rejected by the Electoral Commission for lack of minimum requirements could become a Presidential Advisor on Diaper Affairs.