Category Archives: Features

Eddy-Kenzo-funny (1)

WHY MUSEVENI SHOULD CHOOSE EDDY KENZO AS MINISTER OF EDUCATION AND OTHER SUGGESTIONS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some people are about to be fired from their ministerial posts as the president ushers in a new and unprecedented era of steady progress. As concerned citizens, we are forwarding a list of potential nominees to the president as he ponders who to give stones and who to send back to the village.

Minister of Housing: Bebe Cool/ Moses SSali

Mr Ssali will bring his vast experience in building a house to the cabinet. Sources say the president has been impressed by Ssali`s attention to detail and desire for perfection which has seen him take a century to construct a house. Apparently he thinks he is constructing a pyramid. Bebe Cool`s perfection is such that he put a hold on construction so that he could import sand from the sahara desert  after refusing to use sand from lake Victoria. Mbu, he couldn’t use sand from a lake where Bobi wine has a beach. This is the kind of determination that the president is going to require from his ministers as Uganda makes the leap to middle income status within 5 years

Minister of Education: Eddy Kenzo

Surely this appointment makes the most sense, if Kenzo is not willing to acquaint himself with knowledge of basic math, being a minister of education should at least give him some knowledge through being mentioned in the same sentence with the word education. Just don’t expect him to account for the ministry expenditure.

Minister of internal affairs: Maama Fiina

Renown traditional/witch doctor is a busy body. She is a such a fixture on Bukedde news that a maama Fiina desk should be created at New Vision. She is renting a house for an ex-kifeesi  gang member in bwaise today, tomorrow she is intervening in a domestic quarrels for people in Kabulasoke, the other day she is battling spirits that have gone rogue in Mukono (as they always do in mukono). Her services to this nation should be rewarded by a ministerial post, In fact, having a government car and a police escort will enable her go faster to the places where she is needed.

Minister of Ethics: Father Lokodo or Franklin Emuobor

This is a tough one, these are both epically useless fellows and Emuobor having called out Father Lokodo on his blatant lies should give him some marks. But as a patriotic Ugandan, I second Father Lokodo to bounce back so he can continue to be useless as before. Father Lokodo must have invented the phrase barking dogs do not bite. The last thing he must have bitten so hard was the last Eucharist as he left fatherhood in order to measure the length of skirts and scrutinize nude pictures.

Minister of Defence: Jon Snow

Jon Snow is out of a job after being knifed (literally) in Game of Thrones. And if you can fight the white walkers (not to be confused with the walkers of the walking dead, white walkers are much cooler), you can crush opposition protests while eating a rolex with two chapatis and four eggs as well green pepper.

Minister of Finance: Sudhir Ruparelia

We joke way too much here at ULK but this appointment should be considered seriously. I mean this dude can really throw a party, imagine the parties he can throw if he is in charge of the treasury, that way, we can really enjoy the taxes we pay and the residents of Bwaise won’t even mind canoeing to work daily.

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GAME OF THRONES IS BACK

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The one true serie is back this Sunday. It’s been a long eight or so months where we have had to suffer through nonsense like Super girl and don’t get me started on Heroes reborn or X-files, some things should just stay buried. Let’s catchup with where we left the citizens of Westeros as they seek to sit on a throne which might cause tetanus if you do not sit on it properly or attempt to sit on it in the state of Nyanzi (naked).

Jon Snow.

Is he dead or not? The question to end all questions. Do not ask whether we are alone in this universe or the origin of life. Is Jon Snow dead or not? This is the defining question of our time, one that has perplexed presidents, scientists, philosophers and led to many tortured, sleepless nights. There are those who hope that he is still alive but all the trailers say he is dead, conclusively so and we all know how dark the hearts of those game of thrones creators are. So abandon all hope, it will save you a few tears when you learn that he actually is dead. Probably.

The greatest question of our time.

The greatest question of our time.

Tyrion Lannister.

We left Tyrion in Meeren where he had been appointed Special adviser to the Khaleesi. That didn’t last long however, the queen of dragons was ironically carried into captivity by her own dragon. So Tyrion is set to be care taker king which should be fun but we all know Game of Thrones doesn’t do fun unless you consider stabbing pregnant women in the belly uproarious. In this case, Tyrion should face a defiance campaign waged by the Sons of the Harpy and according to the trailer, apparently they have bombs. Tyrion maybe full of quips and glorious sarcasm but don’t mess with him either, his father can testify to that. Meanwhile that episode should appear on one thousand ways to die.

Daenerys Targaryen/ The khaleesi.

The khaleesi unfortunately did not read the manual on how to train your dragon or even watch the movie. The consequence being that, she is now in the hands of the Dothraki whose king she killed way back in season one before we knew she possessed equal amounts of crazy and ass-kicking. How does she get herself out of that pickle? I have several ideas but all include the Dothraki being fried like chicken.

shit!! this isnt good

shit!! this isn’t good

Queen Cersei.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. If any woman (or man for that matter) needs a few pointers on how to wage revenge, then Game of Thrones season 6 will give you the perfect lessons. After enduring the walk of shame to end all walks of shame, some heads are going to roll…literally. And since her brother/lover/rapist/kingslayer returned with one of their incestuous spawn dead, expect blood to follow. As Jaime explains to his sister/lover/cersei fierce/withering looks distributor, “we are the only ones who matter and everything they have taken from us, we are going to take back and more”. Let no man be on the wrong side of the Lannisters this season. Whether in the serie or watching from home, it won’t be pretty for either.

Go slow if you want your head still attached to your body

Go slow if you want your head still attached to your body

Sansa Stark.

Aaahh, the Starks. Like the biblical Israelites who were scattered across all corners of the earth, or in this case, the seven kingdoms. Sansa Stark was last seen jumping off a castle with a neutered Reek. I certainly hope that the jump put some sense into her; Sansa makes you think that she is on a different show, something like the Teletubbies where everyone sings nursery school rhymes and goes to sleep holding their teddy bears. She should start playing the game very soon or she is dead meat. This is the season where she either becomes a serious player or we say adieu.

Dead meat

Dead meat

The Night king.

We are going to see more of this icy dude which is definitely not good news for the citizens of Westeros. He can raise the dead, not the Christian resurrection, the Walking Dead resurrection but even faster. Whatever he has planned, it is definitely nasty but until then, you all know nothing.

Bringing the winter

Bringing the winter

dude

THE STELLA NYANZI SAGA, A FULL ANALYSIS.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some of us have been hearing about Stella Nyanzi and her Facebook posts as some background noise, sort of like Bebe Cool. However on Monday, she moved out of the back ground and onto our WhatsApp, twitter, Instagram, Facebook feeds. If you had started Monday with a hangover, her video was the remedy. Seriously, she should copyright that video because it can serve a number of purposes. Off the top of my head, it could act as an effective alarm message, once you have seen it, all dreams will evaporate. Or government could use it to crush the opposition defiance campaign, because seeing it will leave you with a feeling of deflation (wink wink).

is that the Stella Nyanzi video?

is that the Stella Nyanzi video?

But I digress, Dr Stella Nyanzi, yes; she is a doctor but not the kind of doctor who will ask you to drop your pants for an injection. Although come to think of it, she would make a great actual doctor, I mean, wouldn’t you want a doctor who was willing to do anything to get you better. Sure, she could recommend brain surgery for a cold or chop off your arm when you get a minor cut but deep down you know, she is doing it for your well-being and not because she is insane. Also, isn`t it easier to drop your pants if you have seen your doctor drop hers?..No?..okay, just a thought.

I dare you to show me that video again!!

I dare you to show me that video again!!

Eh wait, where was i?  Yes, what could drive an apparently sane woman to strip naked in broad daylight? Unless you went to UCU, the answer is simple, Professor Mahmood Mamdani. This dude is responsible for pushing a widely respected and dignified woman into an act of desperation that, for her children`s sake, should be buried deep in the vaults of Facebook servers. Or is he? I mean, for someone who is meant to impart knowledge to eager young minds in the lecture rooms, she sure spends a lot of time on Facebook having petty arguments with Fatboy. She could have been just really bored. When does she ever actually teach although I assume she gets an A+ in sex education.

Stella, happy after getting an A+ in sex ed class

Stella, happy after getting an A+ in sex ed class

So who should we blame for this kavuyo? Dr Stella Nyanzi or Professor Mahmood Mamdani? The answer is…gavumenti. Stella Nyanzi resorted to stripping because the government has failed in its duties to the citizenry. The government has failed to construct roads, build hospitals, free Besigye, colonise mars, legalise weed, and bring Jesus back to earth so it is easy to understand why Stella had to undress.

Also, she was quaking losing her job.

What I learned | Jungle Book; SuperBowl Trailer

Literature was one of my favourite subjects in O’Level. I didn’t excel in it, but it was fun because I got to read stories or ‘perform’ while we went through the plays. I realized a little later that the key to doing a damn good job within the subject is to possess an analytical mind and never to take stuff at face value.

It is a skill that has served me well in the years beyond the short shorts of academia and is what has helped me decipher the subtext in the trailer for Disney’s “The Jungle Book” movie.

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At first glance, it looks your ordinary jungle scene; kid running, animals pursuing him and then it hits you; this is about the Human Race. The Black people, who some regard as animals seem to be lagging behind the white man erm child.

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It’s easy to run to the conclusion that Jon Favreau is being racist, but its actually a critique of the human condition that he has managed to disguise very cleverly.

We also see that the black man doesn’t strive harder after making it past the white man. Does he stay hungry? Does he try to outpace the white man-child? No. He is content with being a few steps ahead of him talking about food. And then we see the white man moving ahead of him.

Enter the tiger… I’m not sure what race is being shown in the next scene…. But what’s clear is that it’s fighting the black race as the white one watches from the sidelines. In fact, it could be argued that this is a veiled nod at Batman’s input in the fight between Doomsday and the super powered beings in that other movie.

"F**k this shhhh"

“F**k this shhhh”

One has to wonder whether this is a director showing the world that he is well aware of the US’s tendency not to intervene in matters beyond its borders until they directly affect the greatest nation in the world.

A question that arises when the black man… I mean animal, has been wounded and can no longer offer any distraction protection forcing the white child to flee and, in a move that is easy to miss, jump to conclusions.

Animals leave your herd at home, the jungle's jumpin' jumpin...

Animals leave your herd at home, the jungle’s real packed and jumpin’ jumpin…

Actually, the white man does a lot of running… but we see that he is not afraid of getting his hands dirty… as long as he is not seen.

However, we see a patriotic side of Jon Favreau come through when he shows that the white man is not averse to taking the bull by the horns when things get tough.

"What a load of bull," said young Mowgli...

“What a load of bull,” said young Mowgli…

There’s a scene that speaks to the treachery that the white person has to face. And what makes it even more brutal is the fact that this treachery comes looking for the white man when he is ‘just there’ minding his own gaddam business. This scene features a snake that sounds a lot like a sentient computer Operating System. I’d go on in greater detail but I’m sure you’re all familiar with her.

Screen Shot 2016-04-14 at 2.15.51 PMHowever, this very scene poses the question, are all snakes women, or, are all women snakes. This calls for subjectivity as no one answer can address the duplicitous nature of snakes or humankind.

A theme that’s been prevalent in many movies before this is further explored. The white man offering the rest of the world ‘light’ or wisdom. What makes this particularly poignant is the fact that in this scene, the white man is willing to share the light with his sworn enemy; Tiger race… I’m starting to pick up some odd Oriental undertones here.

Can you see, the light... tonight...

Can you see, the light… tonight…

Then we see the white man beat a bear’s tummy with his bare hands. This visual pun could be dismissed by the non discerning viewer, but it speaks to the cruelty that animals face daily. It almost foreshadowed the lion that was killed in an East African country not too long ago.

This movie is bangin'

This movie is bangin’

The director also alludes to the day we shall all be united and leave in harmony. We can also achieve a lot together when we put our heads together. This is not even masked. It is right there in black and white…speaking of, Black and White; we are supposed to be friends after all. This, I believe is the message the movie is trying to advance.

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Side note;

I’m not sure I’ve seen this much jumping in one ad

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BESIGYE`S LIST OF DEFIANCE ACTIVITIES LEAKS.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kale Kayihura finally allowed Besigye to breath, sort of. He had been suffocating in the vast expanse of his kasangati home watching Wonder Woman battle Doomsday while Batman played hide and seek (seriously dude, man up…Batman, not Besigye). Besigye, however is now free to roam the country except in Kampala or any  town center for that matter or be anywhere where two or more people could gather to hear him speak or head to prayers…the exceptions list is still developing. Here at ULK we have landed on a list of defiance activities that show the police are in fact right in trying to stop Besigye from, you know, being.

Buying Gonja.

Exclusive information reaching our news desk indicates that Besigye will seek to cause severe Gonja shortage in Kasangati and the country at large. Having been kept indoors without access to gonja has unleashed his monster appetite which he will seek to satisfy by invading all the known gonja selling places. Besigye moles have already been placed in critical gonja selling areas like Namawojjolo and have been seen buying ridiculously huge amounts of this delicacy (you know yourselves). There is however a sinister motive behind this move as a gonja shortage is likely to cause kampala residents to rise up in defiance because, let’s face it, there are only two kinds people in this world, those who like gonja and monsters.

Endangered species

Endangered species

Watch Captain America Civil War.

On May 1, Besigye will not be found in Kasangati. He will be heading to a cinema to see the defiant Captain dish it out with the authority (Iron Man). If you are wondering who Besigye will be supporting in this showdown, welcome to planet earth from whichever galaxy you had been marooned on. Classified intelligence indicates that the colonel will seek to identify guerilla tactics employed by the captain as well as also ogle Scarlet Johansson. It will be imperative for police to stop such a venture because, one, definitely the government doesn’t want him to learn tactics from guy who beat the Nazis by basically swinging a metal plate around and secondly, with his eyes, there will be nothing left for the rest of us to ogle when Besigye is done.

Eh!!, this guy is not for jokes.

Eh!!, dude means business

Change weather pattern to winter.

Have you noticed how all of a sudden it`s raining after the 40 day siege ended? If you haven’t, we have not noticed on your behalf. Data gathered from various fictitious weather stations and maama fiina indicates that rain had been on a defiance campaign until Kifefe`s release. To demonstrate further these previously unknown powers, Besigye will bring winter to these shores. Although the date for this act could not be readily established, it is predicted that this will happen around the same time pigs will start flying as well. So if you are crushing pork ribs and one of them flies out of your mouth, winter is coming.

Our investigation shows these activities could cause severe paralysis and be a catastrophe to this nation therefore a robust police response will be required if such activities are to be stopped.

Dobbi business in initial stage.

TAMALE MIRUNDI SPEAKS OUT

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As we were cleaning cobwebs from our ultra-modern ULK headquarters this morning, former presidential spokesperson, acclaimed author of the sensational pamphlet; The battle over Binazi money and one time chief dobbi in kyampisi, masaka district, Mr Tamale Mirundi just came. I took the opportunity to discuss with him several issuing affecting this country and he as usual, he offered some compelling insights that I share with you below.

Tamale Mirundi, welcome to ULK, I don’t know who invited you but let`s get started.

I was shown the way by empewo za bajajja, the winds of the grandfathers.

I worship the living God and so do our readers (at least I hope so) so Mr.Tamale, please desist from such pagan statements.

That is the polobulemu with you Africans, you don’t want to accept facts. You are myopic thinkers, me, I spent 5 years in Burma studying the konseputi of religion and its monopole by the Americans. I explain all this in my book, olumbe lwa bajajja. Go and read that book, olabe how you Africans were made stupid.

Tamale, can`t you ever make your point without insulting or abusing the audience?

If you are swimming, you have to prepare to drown. If Jesus rebuked the priests then who are you not to be insulted, nze siri maama wo.

Let`s just move to other issues, Amama Mbabazi recently sued the Museveni claiming he rigged the elections. Will the elections be nullified?

Can an impotent man claim to have impregnated a woman? Mbabazi is a non-issue, how can a man who got fewer votes than the weekly allowance I give my dogs be allowed to say such blatant lies. Ate, let me tell you, it is mbabazi who rigged these elections. No sane Uganda could have given mbabazi a vote, oba mutabufu wa mutwe.

Do you think it was right for the government to block social media after the elections?

YES!!!, let me tell you, constitution egamba, the state possesses kowaasivu stuff that it can employ if it so feels fit. Sosyo media has led to a big decline in economic growth in Uganda. Everyone is taking a selefie like a polobulemu. In China, facebook is not allowed but have you ever seen anyone die because they don’t have facebook?…answer me!!!

We are not talking about China.

When you see an elephant running, you don’t stop to ask it why it is running, you also just take off.

So now we are talking about elephants???

In litiriticha, that is called an analogue

You mean an analogy?

Nze siri muzungu

Only Bad Black…wait, Crazy Orange? Ripe Mango? Confused carrot? could confuse you with a muzungu.

Let me tell you, that is one of the sharpest women in this country. How many women have slept with men and only got STD`s? That woman got over six billion shillings, me, I remove my hat for her.

Let`s wrap this up.

It’s my boss who raps, not me.

I mean say your last words, this interview has got to end, and I have tickets for Batman vs Superman to buy.

Don’t waste your money on such, I am writing a new book, omusujja gwe`mbuzi that will levolusonayizi this country.

I`ll pass

That is the polobulemu with…

BvS tickets are running out, to be continued.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS WEEK

Election Petition

Men dressed in gowns will continue to bicker before other men and women dressed in more colorful and intricately embroidered gowns. You will need to have an advanced learner`s dictionary by your side as you listen to these learned gentlemen talk. If you find yourself dozing, it’s not your fault, law as it is done in actual court is very different from the way Denny Crane or Harvey Specter do it on your T.V. For one, the accents are very different; listening to Mwesigwa Rukutana is enough to send you into enchanted sleep for millennia.

Pilgrimages to Kasangati

Kasangati should be rebranded the Mecca and Besigye, a prophet. If you find yourself lazy, dozing and scorched by the afternoon sun, there is an activity that can spice up your afternoon. Take a trip to Kasangati and commiserate with comrade Besigye. Before this journey is undertaken however, it is necessary to use the appropriate mode of transport. If you decide to go on foot, you will be stopped 200 meters before you reach, given a thorough beating and told to go back whence you came from. If you arrive on a boda, you will be stopped 100 meters before you reach, given a thorough beating and your Boda arrested. If you decide to go by taxi, you will be stopped 50 meters before you reach, dragged into a dark blue police minivan, given a thorough beating and then thrown out of the van. Therefore I suggest you use a helicopter or a wheel barrow, we are yet to witness what happens in those cases.

Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice

It is 11 days to go till we see Batman being walloped on screen. This shouldn’t be a contest, right? It’s like bringing a stick to a nuclear war fight however count on lots CGI to make us believe that Batman can actually fight Superman. This might not seem terribly important but mismatched fights are projected to be on the increase after the premiere of this movie as small men everywhere attempt to think that they won’t be beaten into a pulp by far larger and superior beings. Think Andrew Mwenda vs Golola Moses (unless it was a war of words in which case, the victor is anyone`s guess)

Champions League Football

I need not waste words here. Arsenal will lose.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS WEEK.

Here at ULK, we delight in providing you with expert analysis and insight of the issues that will be in the headlines this week. Don’t be caught off guard, read the ULK weekly briefing.

Besigye will be arrested.

As the police continue to put some distance between them and the nearest challengers over the number of arrests of one particular individual, look forward to world record arrestee; Kiiza Besigye to be re-arrested. He will be pushed into a dark blue police minivan, sped towards an obscure police station where he will presumably eat his lunch, drink evening tea and then taken back home just in time for supper. This is a process that will re-occur several times in the week.

Weather forecast.

You know how your bed turns into a blazing furnace at night and you twist and turn in the bed looking for a cold spot for some relief. Well, you will continue looking for that spot this week and still not find it.  The sun will continue to burn you until you wish you lived in an igloo. However, our resident weather predictor says there may be a brief drizzle on Wednesday morning which will make the sun so angry that you will wish to migrate to the Sahara desert.

U.S Presidential primaries.

The clown circus that is the US presidential primaries will take its rodeo into another 11 states in what is known Super Tuesday on 1st March. Donald Trump; chief clown and noted hair products enthusiast is poised to win in several states as he seeks to become the Republican presidential nominee. If this dude ever becomes U.S president, prepare to migrate to another planet as his strategy for dealing with his enemies is, in his own words to “bomb the shit out of them”. This is a guy who called his southern neighbors, the Mexicans; rapists, criminals and killers.  How do you think he feels about Africans? I suggest you get packing.

March is on its way.

February will give way to March as 2016 continues to hurtle along. March is the month it becomes abundantly clear that you were impersonating Mabirizi when you set the New Year resolutions. I mean, just look at Besigye, he was expecting to be president-elect by now. Instead, he now has to ask for permission in case he wants to use a latrine outside his house.

Caution; The 29th of February is the only day of the year that it is considered acceptable for a woman to propose to a man. If you see your chic getting down on one knee, she has the full backing of international conventions and customs. Also, say yes because you didn’t the cohunes to do it in the first place.

Elections.                          

On 2nd and 4th there will be elections for Chairpersons, PWD`s, Older persons, Youth and women councilors etc. but I know the burning question is whether there will be a public holiday?

No, there will not be public holiday.

How To Avoid Getting Stuck in Mbarara.

It is said that KQ, the Pride of Africa with the exception of a few areas, had President Museveni stuck after failing to pick him from Mbarara.

Stuck

First, who or what is Mbarara?

Mbarara is a landlocked country in Uganda that can be accessed by air or by milk. Its economy thrives mostly on the exportation of politicians and fake accents used in the production of struggling radio ads.

So how then did President Museveni get stuck in a country filled with such great promise? It could be any of two reasons.

  1. KQ’s planes do not have the capacity to carry all of 28 years in power.
  2. Air Uganda & Uganda Airlines fell in love and eloped.

But not to worry. Studies show that there are 10 possible ways to avoid getting stuck in Mbarara.

  1. Call KQ customer service and ask them to send a plane.
  2. Wonder what’s wrong, call back and ask KQ to forget the plane and just send a pilot.
  3. If the pilot is still in the toilet, ask KQ to send a cab.
  4. Ask KQ to ask Air Uganda to pick you.
  5. Called Sula the boda guy and ask him to pick fuel from KQ and come for you.
  6. Call President Kenyatta and report KQ.
  7. Call KQ customer service and ask if they’ve received a threat from President Kenyatta.
  8. Call back and ask why the hell they just hang up on you.
  9. Update your facebook as inquiries are made.
  10. If still stuck, you should probably just take a taxi.

Upcoming Releases That Probably Won’t

You're right. It might not fit....

You’re right. It might not fit….

Following the uproar wrought by the 50 Shades of Grey movie (and the uprooting of carrots and cucumbers), the logical thing to do is manage our expectations. No reason we should get turned on knowing full well we may not even share a drink from the same cup. That said, we thought we would ask the government’s censorship committee to identify some movies we might have to turn our FOMO dial down for.

Cinderella – Cate Blanchett, Lily James

Conductor, first chill, I have no dime for fuel…

On the surface, it’s a simple tale of a young lady’s pursuit for a happy ending and her suspect choice of footwear. Look again and beneath the saccharine exterior a more sinister propaganda comes to play. It’s a story of a young lady who throws herself at a rich man and then seduces him by leaving items of her clothing behind. On top of that, she relies on witchcraft provided by a stranger only identified as Fairy God Mother…or FGM. Is it a coincidence that the same initials stand for Female Genital Mutilation? I think not. We do not want our young ladies’ morals compromised, so this is a no-go.

Get Hard – Will Ferrel, Kevin Hart

Black guy 'kwe-tying" tuts..

Black guy ‘kwe-tying” tuts..

The adverts that we’ve seen so far suggest that the story is about a white man who needs to toughen up for the life waiting for him in prison. Of course that would be just fine, but look again. The poster for the movie features a young black man braiding a white man’s hair. Initially we were going to ban it on the basis that it messes up people’s self-esteem by suggesting that we are still under the thumb of the white devil, but we took a closer look and with the help of a pastor put two and two together. It’s clearly a movie about inter-racial homosexuality. The name is very telling, but it’s the fact that the white man is being tied bi-tu-twa that put the final nail in the coffin.

Furious 7 – Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Dwayne Johnson and their friends

See, America is not racist

The cast of America: Not racist at all

This movie is wrong on very many levels. After we’ve fought to defend our nation’s leader for the better part of two decades, this movie comes and suggests in its title that he is angry. You can tell they tried to veil their intentions by dropping the M, but we saw right through this deceit. In one trailer you can see a black guy, possibly Ugandan going by his name, Tarsis Gibson, being teased mercilessly by his friends for praying. As if that’s not bad enough, they opted to use flashy cars. If the movie producers really had any goodwill for our government, then the characters would all be driving big yellow buses.

The Avengers: Age of Ultron – Too many people

More kavuyo than the taxi park

More kavuyo than the taxi park

In what is clearly an opposition move, this one is about how a group of people gang up with plans to overthrow the one person who has the best intentions of the people. He even declares how he is not corrupt by telling them that he has no strings on him… directly translated, he has no ties to people’s money. And how do they repay him, buy bringing in foreign aid and attempting to overthrow him. We won’t air this one because it promotes dissidence. Age of Ultron? More like Age of Ulterior! There’s also kaboozi of someone creating Vision. How is that possible? Vision is not created. You either have it or you don’t, and as you are all aware by now, only one person has the vision here.

Jurassic World- Chris Pratt and some other people

Dinosaurs be like: PHOTO BOMBED YOUR SELFIE

Dinosaurs be like: PHOTO BOMBED YOUR SELFIE

This movie is not necessarily bad, however it undermines the history we have been pushing in schools. All the adults reading this know about Gipir and Labongo, Kintu and his bae-Nambi, introducing dinosaurs in to that mix will just confuse the public. In this case we weighed our options and it didn’t make sense to have a bunch of adults feeling like their whole lives have been based on lies. This is why we won’t be showing this one either.

Ant Man – Paul Rudd, Michael Douglas

Prepping to drop that Luga-Flow jam

Prepping to drop that Luga-Flow jam

In this movie, the little guy saves the day. That’s how wars begin. Look at Libya’s Arab Spring. It started when an absolute nobody sent RIA (Rise in Arms) instead of LOL and then before you knew it, more and more people joined the uprising. We have our hands full with striking lecturers and students at Makerere, we don’t have time for people who have been inspired by movies. This will not air and you will thank us when you realise we have also spared you the tear gas and embarrassing strawberry yoghurt.

 

Mission Impossible V – Tom Cruise, Stunts

christopher-mcquarrie-tom-cruise-jack-reacher1

Dereva, wali ku stage…

We honestly had no problem with this particular film, however we received a call from the same pastor who had received a vision of the outcome of the 2016 elections. He said that he had met with the balokole group and the consensus was that having a movie with the word Impossible in the title would go against their preaching that “nothing is Impossible”. To go against them and let this movie show in the cinema would be to lead the flock astray and we cannot condone such things. This movie has therefore been terminated.

The Fantastic Four

Electricity is going you guys, have you charged?

Electricity is going you guys, have you charged?

The title of this movie sounds suspiciously like a coalition of opposition members. Is it Mao, Besigye, Ssebagala and that Denzel guy from Big Brother? We like that Denzel guy from Big Brother, but if he has decided to team up with these people we will not stand for this. This movie is under investigation for what exactly it stands for. Is it a friend or is it a foe. The title says four, which sounds a lot like foe, so we may have no choice but to refuse this one also.

Chew on that for a while..