Category Archives: Features

Letter to Senior Six ‘vacists’

Yo, wassup, peeps? You be how, all ye? Are you kawa? Maato? Suzie? Jo? I know you be on pressure now ‘cause Bukenya has released those things and stuff be’s tight like bums. How is vac, anyway? Did you lose your virginities? If you had lost them in P2, did you lose them again in vac? See, vacation is where you do all crazy things because, if you are a guy, your balls are heavier than before and your parents will look at you in fear because your voice is deeper than a crater lake. If you are a girl, you have now morphed into a chic with a considerable larger behind and two larger things on your chest and so, the law allows you to put on a wig.

In vacation, I understand you played more computer games than their founders. I mean, for the rich kids, that is. For the poor, broke kids, you played hide and seek. It is fun. Actually, hide and seek is more fun, than those overrated gadgetry. Are you even on WhatsApp? Of course you are. If you aren’t, you lied to your friends that you are on WhatsApp, but your iPhone has bizibu. It is understandable. You have bizibu yourself. Did you go partying? If you didn’t, slap yourself hard in the face and say, “I am a fool.”

Now the results are back. You had your names on Coca-Cola bottles, but your names were not on your school’s notes board, because you failed GP. Because by that time you were sleeping. Because you only got 2 points. Because education is overrated. Because Bill Gates didn’t go far with education but he is now too far with dimes. You see that? You subscribed that school of thought. And here you are, your fingers dipped in your nose. You will be fine, Kaggwa. In vac, before I forget, I hope you wrapped some latex on that stiff thing. Did you, Aizo? Come on, Isaac, talk to me. Did you wear? Because in vacation, you have all the sacks of time and you can decide to give time to fellas who don’t have it because you have it in plenty and you are bound to screw up. It will screw you up. Kati, the bibuzo. Don’t worry about them. You passed. You are happy. But they shouldn’t blur your sight. Enjoy the moment now like a sea fisherman, because you don’t know what the sea will be like tomorrow. Campus is right at the corner and there, sir, sh** will be tighter.

They have no prep, but they have lectures you must attend. They have no bells, you will have to borrow clocks to keep time. They won’t call you for meals in the dining hall as though rolex stalls were evicted. They don’t have uniforms, carry a mini skirt. They are not girls in maroon and pink things and go-back-to-school stockings, there are aspiring socialites there.

 

But for now, enjoy your vacation.

Sseya’s Resignation Letter

Digged Out By Tom Rwahwire, The Legendary

Say Yeah

From: My names am Cold All Hajj Nasser Ssebbaggalla
To: Those of NRM

Re: Resignational Letter

Well Done

Me as Sseya am righting here to officially declare how am withdrawing my behind from you NRM.

This is due to many fax. Me I don’t like speculations, unless it is speculation of glasses to make me look more in delligents. I only deal in fax.

Fax number one: You deceived me that I was minister of Polio. Then now I hear there is campaign to radicate all Polio from Uganda. Now if there is no polio I will be minister of what. That is not a question. You have found me looking. I withdraw my behind.

Fax Number Two: I told you desire was my private parts. Instead you members of NRM sharing the photo of her nakedity on the NRM Whatsapp. Me do I fwd pix of your side dishes? I just chaw them and keep quiet. See your lives.

Fax number three: You hoes ain’t loyal. I wasn’t borne last night. When Amama was dismitted from prime impex you could not even DM me to see if I wanted? Okay keep. #YOLO

Those are all the fax I give. Look at them.

Now, you want me to tell you where I am going now that I have relieved myself from NRM.

First of all, as you all a wear, Sseya is big pimping. I am going to get sectual entercose from famous sex cymbals. Yeah. Who needs English with game this strong? You talk in English while I shag in Luganda.

Secondry am going to make a new party. DP are wiseacring on me. They don’t know I slept with their side dishes last night.

So am going to join Gagamel we make gagamel a political party. Gagamel has power. They have a generater. Then we make Bebe stand in twenty thouthand sickisiteen. Then he make me Minister of Polio AND also coccodiosis.

Then NRM comes to put behind on me I will kick it.

Nice Time
Sseya.

Miss Uganda tipped to be Miss World. This is what her old friends and citizens said

When her beautifulness Leah Kalanguka was announced Miss Uganda, locals, naysayers, haters, ugly people, idlers and a horde of important people in the government of social media seemed surprised and, poof, they were up to the races; spilling vitriol and engaging in hate drivel. Their sisters, all along, were tethered by the bedside and they couldn’t go for auditions. They missed. They climbed up ladders and shouted themselves hoarse. Mbu she wasn’t beautiful enough. Mbu her face looked like she was mulched. Mbu she looked as if an ox walked all over her face. Mbu she was as if terraced.

However, news filtering in have it that the deemed mulched Leah might run away with the Miss World crown. She started from the bottom and now she is thoooose ends. We tried to call the Editor of Daily Mail (who ranked her) to comment about it, but his phones had blacked out. So, we combed Leah’s area of residence where we chanced upon folks who knew her when she was toothless and concerned citizens of this beautiful nation. This is what they had to say. Read below.

 

Mpatalyona Richard (her ex). I used to tell her that she was the most beautiful woman in the world. The whole world, even Busoga inclusive. Even after she moved on, she meant the world to me. When is the voting and I vote?

Kirikuwiine Esteria (her best friend). You mean Layer? Nga she never told me that she was standing for that post! Kyoka that ka-girl. I won’t even vote for her *shoves mouth in the nose*

Byoboona (her former classmate). I knew it. She used to draw the map of the world at the back of her 32-paged books.

Balyanango Joseph (Business Associate): Oh, have you been talking to her? She is lost. I don’t even know where she went. Please tell her that the other hen she loved so much gave birth to 12 chicks. The eagle took the 13th.

Bebe Cool (a homeless citizen): Ask me about Zuena, please. Booombocl…wait, is she related to Bobi Wine?

Bizzu (Former, out-going, semi-current, ever around Miss Uganda): Now haayreers can go to hell. Shiz ma gal en shi ganna win.

Desire Luzinda (Former Miss Popularity Contestant): Much as I drew attention from her to myself, I think, she is a bewriful girl. She is gonna win the trophy. Peace!

Frank Gashumba (A loud object): Is she more beautiful than Sheila? First confirm. If the answer is negative, then vacate my house.

Sheila Gashumba (Facebook friend): What Frank said.

Army Commander (Her sponsor): Leah is the bomb, eh. If she returns with the crown, I might consider sending her to Somalia to help sensitize people about farming peacefully.

Fr. Lokodo (Morality Enforcing Department): Forgive me, Father, for I have seen.

Cecelia Ogwal (Former Miss Uganda): Who?

Lake Victoria sold: What the gov’t might tell people

Lake Victoria. The biggest pond in East Africa. The ninth continental lake in the world. A lake that brings together the three major East African states-Uganda, Kenya and Tanzania. A lake that is a home to gazillion fish, a few crocodiles, a fictitious whale, millions of frogs, Mgingo Islands, billions of molecules of water, et al. A lake discovered by John Hanning Speke. The locals that lived on its shores (then, Lake Nalubaale) never knew that they lived around a lake. As John Speke came here on vacation. He was taking an early morning stroll, head lowered on his phone and tweeting to his folks in Europe telling them how Africa is really a jungle. A bright African sun warm on his bearded face. He, absentmindedly, stepped in water, nearly drowning. He was stunned, surprised even. He called the locals and they joined him in surprise. He had discovered it. Ah, re-visit your history books.

And that lake, folks, is being sold off. The government can sell anything, duh. It can wake up and sell your mangoes and you won’t do anything about it. It wears the pants in here. It runs this town, like Jay Z would say. It is selling off the lake. The fishermen have been told to migrate to Lake Kyoga. The citizenry might be up in arms in denial, though. However, this is what the government might tell them.

. We are selling off the lake so that the investors can expand it to other countries, like Rwanda, Burundi and Southern Sudan, who have joined the East Africa community. The investors are willing to expand it.

. Don’t say we are being picky on who to sell it to. Anyone willing to buy it can bring a saucepan, jerry can, cups, spoons, or your hands and buy all you want. The prices are low.

. Because those are fake beaches full of mud and smelly water and hyacinth. We went there over the weekend and got disinterested and bored. We decided to sell it off.

. Because the investors told us that they can take that water back home and come up with something really cool that can benefit this country financially. We didn’t think twice. We sold it.

. Because someone walked in our office, found us taking dry tea, and sold us the idea. We decided to sell it off. Maybe it’s because of the dry tea we were taking. Ask Tamale Mirundi and see.

. Because, uhm, Equatorial Guinea.

. Because we are the government of Uganda. We sell things.

. Because we wanted to tell Kenya and Tanzania that we can sell it and they do nooooothing.

. Why are you even asking?

Things that make Uganda, indeed, the pearl of Africa

Oh Ugaaaanda, May God uphol…wait, isn’t there a remix to this club banger? We are tired of sounding like tired Neanderthals. Anyways, Uganda is an awesome state. Look around. Awesomeness. It is deemed the pearl of Africa; a title it has possessed from way back since God was still a kid. It’s like after the competitions of Who Wants To Be The Pearl Of Africa (which were won by Uganda), the sponsors ran bankrupt and migrated back home. No other country has since shown interest in being the pearl of Africa. And here, nice people, are the things that make this sovereign state a pearl of Africa.

 

. The country is peppered with magic that mysteriously make things vanish and disappear in both thick and thin air. Government funds have steadily continued to disappear in the forests. Recently, ivory worth $1billion (1,300kg) has since disappeared from UWA and there are allegations that elephants came and retrieved back their ivory. There are also rumours that girls disappear from boys after downing a few beers and yanking out the boys’ pulp cavity. You will never trace her whereabouts even though you use Google Maps. Uganda!

. It is that time of the year when the country is about to qualify for African Cup of Nations. Because it is a pearl of Africa and such a special nation, the government, together with FUFA, hire the best mathematicians in the country. The players, too, walk in the football pitch with calculators, a ruler, graph papers and a set in their pockets because, you know what, Maths Test!

. After the passing of different bills by parliament, the most relevant bill to date is the UMEME bill. And of course, the bill from Maama Nansikombi’s place after a hefty lunch. Dogs ate other bills.

. Uganda has Fr. Lokodo. Other countries don’t have, duh. We are cool like that.

. Because, in here, the president wears the pants. He wakes up one day and tells his Prime Minister that, “Dude, toss me that seat,” and he calls another dude standing in the corner and gives him the seat. The Prime Minister then walks out and goes to rear ducks.

. Also, the crocodiles, eh.

 

On Desire Luzinda: What the president should do

A few moons ago, Uganda and other neighboring continents were awash with pictures of a naked frame purportedly thought to be belonging to Desire Luzinda. “Desire, who?” The people, after sniffing such good news, fell over themselves trying to grab hold of the pictures before Fr. Lokodo could wake up and snatch their phones. The naked pictures spread like wild fire across the country, jumping from phone to phone like grasshoppers.

However, by the time the pictures filtered through, the president’s social media accounts were rumored to have been hacked. I am sure the smart hacker extended his pudgy hands and hacked his WhatsApp as well and crossed all his blue ticks. That bastard! The president didn’t receive the pictures and was only given lugambo from his bigmouthed aide Tamale Mirundi, who only fed him sketchy information. But this is what the president should do to Desire Luzinda to reward her for her heroic, bold and developmental leap she took.

Send her for peace talks

Desire Luzinda, as witnessed in the undressed pictures, flashed a V-sign which signifies peace. The president, thus, should seize this opportunity and send Desire for peace talks to countries at war, say, in South Sudan where Machar and Kiir are plucking each other’s feathers. Ah, read the newspapers to know why they are fighting.

Naked truth

The president should task Desire Luzinda, because she was naked, to reveal the naked truth about the opposition’s agenda and how they currently go to work after abandoning walking to work. Do they crawl to work?

To clean her up

Because those were dirty pictures, the president should task KCCA and NWSC to clean her up and wash those dirty pictures so that investors can freely come into this country without being afraid of stains.

Use her on his posters

Desire Luzinda is a global icon, isn’t she? Okay, she is not. But still, she is widely known and loved in equal measure especially by the men faction of society that built shrines on her where they privately worshipped her meaty thighs. The president, to avoid falling flat on his back come 2016, he should use her on his posters to garner support. If I was president, I would first lock Janet in the kitchen before slapping those pictures on my posters.

She should cover opposition’s eyes

Desire Luzinda had some decency even when she posed for the Kodak moment (I just wanted to use the phrase ‘Kodak moment’). She covered her nipples with her palms. She is good at covering. Even if your eyes are as big as her butt, you couldn’t see her stiff nipples. So, the president should instead use her to cover the opposition’s eyes so that they lose vision for this country. Yes, especially Besigye’s beady eyes.

 

Nyumirwanyoooo…oh!!

 

 

Why Create New Districts? An Interview With Govt’s Department Of Districts.

To date, Uganda has granted asylum to more than 110 districts, making it the districtest country in the world. But even then, recently, a parliamentary committee recommended the creation of five new districts. To explain the meaning of this, we kidnapped a government official from the department of districts for an interview.

Thank you for honouring our invitation, sir.

It was irresistible.

Head of Districts

Let’s delve right in. We want to talk to you about districts.

No problem. You want one?

Uganda now has 111 districts. And yet you’re still creating more.

Yes, a lot of people are winning.

Winning?

Yes. We have this promotion. It’s a Christmas promo we do every year. Next year we’ll give out ten new districts.

What’s the promo about?

It’s dubbed ‘Who Wants A District’ and participants have to be Ugandan to qualify. Those who are not Ugandan are required to lie that they are Ugandan before they become eligible.

How exactly are the districts given out?

They are transported from parliament-we use Fusos mostly-and taken to where the winners stay. Depending on the level of winning, the districts can come with added bonuses. The top winner gets a district complete with people inside, the first runner-up gets an empty district, and the second runner-up gets just people.

Where does he put the people if he has no district?

Well, that depends on him. We try not to tell them what to do with their prizes.

I see. Aren’t you concerned that with all these annual promos, the number of districts may, at some point, become too big?

There’s nothing like too many districts, my friend. Districts are like air. Can there be too much air?

That’s not really a fitting analogy.

Exactly. Without air, we all die.

But I don’t see how…

Look, do you read the Bible?

Occasionally, yes.

There’s a verse that says, “Innovation distinguishes between a leader and a follower.”

That’s Steve Jobs.

What it basically means is those who don’t have districts are followers. And we as a country want to be leaders.

I think you’re reading the wrong Bible.

And that’s why we need districts.

How To Bag That Vote For President

It’s gonna be an election year in a couple of months and you know what that means. That’s right, the candidates are going to go to outrageous lengths to swing the youth vote their way. The incumbent took to rap as a means of showing that he was hip and cool and all that, but how is he going to get people to take notice come next election period, you don’t actually want another rap, do you? {I’m intentionally being vague seeing as the elections may or may not be in 2016 depending on how the decision makers feel about freebies around that time}

Has anyone considered the possibility he was actually voting by touchscreen?

Has anyone considered the possibility he was actually voting by touchscreen?

Turns out, M7 has already started with the ”Cool-cool” already by jumping on the selfie bandwagon, so now all that remains is to see how the opposition is going to even the playing field. With rap and photography already done and dusted, there’s only so much you can do…

TROLLING :  Verb | The art of deliberately, cleverly, and secretly pissing people off, usually via the internet, using dialogue.

The most likely candidate to pull this off is Warren B. He has proven that he has the chops to annoy people by merely walking, imagine what he can do if he really applied himself? Of course there is still that hurdle he has to jump over; getting the president to accept his friendship request on facebook. While he waits, he can hope to high heavens that the selfie the president took appears on instagram or twitter where he can post remarks such as, “At least I have the foresight to keep my eyes open in photos lol”

FOXING: Verb | Claiming you will do something and then not delivering at the last minute

You can NOT, and I repeat NOT {to be able to make my word limit}, get any more youthful than this. Scores of young uns are familiar with the concept and are usually easy to recognise as the ones that have been forced to share that bottle of krest in the club because their sponsor ‘foxed’. In case you are reading this and thinking, “Hang on a minute, I know a guy that did that,” you’re right, but I doubt Otunnu will be rehashing that move. What is this, his taste in fashion?

TWIRRA: Popular online destination for people with stage fright to express a brief 140 character long opinion

Now this is not really very conducive for our politicians because, let’s face it, even when they shouldn’t, they have a lot to say. Think birthday parties for instance, “I would like to wish this young girl a happy birthday. Happy birthday young girl. May you grow up to be a force of change. Let the people who see you allow! The struggle is real. Speaking of struggles, when we first had elections, we didn’t think things would come to this. But you see how they have become. Anyway, God is there. But you need to also hope for free and fair elections. A country without these, is no country for old men. You see us here, but there will be blood. As you look around you, take not of the faces. Some of these people don’t wish you well. They are cubs in lambs’ clothing. Do you know what a cub is? Actually, they are the mafia…” … and that’s the guy you will expect to follow on twitter?

SEX TAPES: Let’s save this one for the Guild Elections article

HANGING OUT AT THE NEW MALLS; KFC, PLANET YOGHURT, LA PATISERRIE, CINEMAS etc

The problem with this is you can not shake off the feeling that it will eventually turn messy with the politician trying to convince you that it is in your best interest to actually pay for his meal. Failing that, the conversation will get drawn out unnecessarily with people observing that the mini-skirt law didn’t actually kick in, or, and this happened to me, there are greater threats than that stupid law after all; People who go to these places for the sheer sake of doing maalo and having their pictures taken. FACT. Just because you posed in front of one of ours, there’s no real reason the person at the visa office will let you go and pose in front of one of theirs.

PHOTOBOMBING: The act of showing up uninvited in someone else’s photograph.

This is fast gaining traction and there is no real reason a politician shouldn’t leap on this particular bandwagon. All they need to know before hand is that for a photobomb to work, they need to actually be the secondary party in the shot. It does not make sense for someone to wrap their hands around you like some needy octopus clamoring for attention and then smugly declaring, “Ha, I exploded your photograph”

 

 

What If Uganda Was Governed By Musicians?

It started with a simple observation. That Justin Bieber can pull off the same level of governance in Uganda right now. And then our Finance Manager paid the electricity bill for the idea bulb and wham! What if Uganda was governed by entertainers? Why not? It already is.

HipHop Uganda

Uganda Cabinet, 2014

President: Kanye West

Because he won’t accept that his best days are behind him.

 

Vice President: Kim Kardashian

Public figure for no reason really.

 

Prime Minister: Katy Perry

Because a Prime Minister is effective if they have Twitter to show for it.

 

Speaker of Parliament: Taylor Swift

Because the president doesn’t like her. But everyone else does.

 

Deputy Speaker of Parliament: Liam Payne

Because some people can only be known through Google.

 

Presidential Spokesperson: Justin Bieber

It doesn’t matter if he makes sense or not, people will always like to make fun of him.

 

Lord Mayor, Kampala City: Lil Wayne

More noise, less sense.

 

Minister of Education: R.Kelly

It’s much more fun to just pee on the teachers.

 

Minister of Works & Transport: Snoop Dogg

Look, I like pot.

Pot

And I like holes.

Holes

So why not just make things easier?

Snoophole

 

Minister of Ethics: Diddy

Starting today, I decree that you call me Puff Daddy. No, Daddy means child support. Call me P. Diddy. No, Sean Combs. No, remove the Combs, I like my hair the way it is. No, Diddy. Just Diddy. No…screw this! I’m bored. Let’s play another game. It’s called Miniskirts.

Me I Was Misquoted: Minister Denies Banning Miniskirts

Last year, Uganda’s Minister of Miniskirts Simon Lokodo told women to stay off miniskirts. This year, we find out that it wasn’t meant in the “don’t wear them” sense, but in the “don’t do anything bad to them because they are precious to me” sense.

Here’s our interview with the Regional Head of Miniskirts.

Loko

ULK: Good morning, Simon Lokodo.

Loko: Well done.

ULK: Let’s dig right in.

Loko: I didn’t dig into my wife’s phone last night to check if she was playing sex with other men. I was misquoted.

ULK: No, that’s…WHAT?!

Loko: You talked about digging.

ULK: LOL.

Loko: So you didn’t talk about digging? Meaning you were misquoted?

ULK: No!

Loko: Which means you were misquoted. Now do you get my precament?

ULK: Predicament.

Loko: What did I say?

ULK: Precament.

Loko: I was misquoted.

ULK: Must be your favourite excuse.

Loko: We’ve know each other from way back.

ULK: You and the excuse?

Loko: Yes. We first met in primary school when my P.3 science teacher accused me of calling someone a baboon.

ULK: And you were misquoted?

Loko: Yes. I didn’t call someone a baboon. I called somebody a baboon. There’s a difference.

ULK: Is that what happened when you banned miniskirts?

Loko: Yes.

ULK: What exactly did you say?

Loko: That they are banned and women should not wear them.

ULK: And how were you misquoted?

Loko: Do you want some tea? Coffee? I just remembered I didn’t offer you anything. Which, if you think about it, is very shameful for a whole Minister of Integrity. Where are my integrities?

ULK: Mister Lokodo, I have a really long day today. There are movies I have to watch and drinks I have to finish. Can we get back to the issue please?

Loko: Oh yes, tea or coffee?

ULK: Miniskirts.

Loko: I have only tea and coffee.

ULK: Did you or did you not ban miniskirts?

Loko: Yes.

ULK: Yes, you did, or yes, you did not?

Loko: Yes.

ULK: Lokodo, did you ban miniskirts?

Loko: Fffssshhh…fffssssshhhhhh…Hello? Hello? I can’t hear you! I’m driving through a tunnel.

ULK: Boss, this is not a phone interview. Stop playing.

Loko: Fffssshhh…krrrrrrr…fffsssshhhhh…I can’t hear you! Helloooo?

ULK: Good day.

Loko: Now I can hear you.