Category Archives: Features

How To Bag That Vote For President

It’s gonna be an election year in a couple of months and you know what that means. That’s right, the candidates are going to go to outrageous lengths to swing the youth vote their way. The incumbent took to rap as a means of showing that he was hip and cool and all that, but how is he going to get people to take notice come next election period, you don’t actually want another rap, do you? {I’m intentionally being vague seeing as the elections may or may not be in 2016 depending on how the decision makers feel about freebies around that time}

Has anyone considered the possibility he was actually voting by touchscreen?

Has anyone considered the possibility he was actually voting by touchscreen?

Turns out, M7 has already started with the ”Cool-cool” already by jumping on the selfie bandwagon, so now all that remains is to see how the opposition is going to even the playing field. With rap and photography already done and dusted, there’s only so much you can do…

TROLLING :  Verb | The art of deliberately, cleverly, and secretly pissing people off, usually via the internet, using dialogue.

The most likely candidate to pull this off is Warren B. He has proven that he has the chops to annoy people by merely walking, imagine what he can do if he really applied himself? Of course there is still that hurdle he has to jump over; getting the president to accept his friendship request on facebook. While he waits, he can hope to high heavens that the selfie the president took appears on instagram or twitter where he can post remarks such as, “At least I have the foresight to keep my eyes open in photos lol”

FOXING: Verb | Claiming you will do something and then not delivering at the last minute

You can NOT, and I repeat NOT {to be able to make my word limit}, get any more youthful than this. Scores of young uns are familiar with the concept and are usually easy to recognise as the ones that have been forced to share that bottle of krest in the club because their sponsor ‘foxed’. In case you are reading this and thinking, “Hang on a minute, I know a guy that did that,” you’re right, but I doubt Otunnu will be rehashing that move. What is this, his taste in fashion?

TWIRRA: Popular online destination for people with stage fright to express a brief 140 character long opinion

Now this is not really very conducive for our politicians because, let’s face it, even when they shouldn’t, they have a lot to say. Think birthday parties for instance, “I would like to wish this young girl a happy birthday. Happy birthday young girl. May you grow up to be a force of change. Let the people who see you allow! The struggle is real. Speaking of struggles, when we first had elections, we didn’t think things would come to this. But you see how they have become. Anyway, God is there. But you need to also hope for free and fair elections. A country without these, is no country for old men. You see us here, but there will be blood. As you look around you, take not of the faces. Some of these people don’t wish you well. They are cubs in lambs’ clothing. Do you know what a cub is? Actually, they are the mafia…” … and that’s the guy you will expect to follow on twitter?

SEX TAPES: Let’s save this one for the Guild Elections article

HANGING OUT AT THE NEW MALLS; KFC, PLANET YOGHURT, LA PATISERRIE, CINEMAS etc

The problem with this is you can not shake off the feeling that it will eventually turn messy with the politician trying to convince you that it is in your best interest to actually pay for his meal. Failing that, the conversation will get drawn out unnecessarily with people observing that the mini-skirt law didn’t actually kick in, or, and this happened to me, there are greater threats than that stupid law after all; People who go to these places for the sheer sake of doing maalo and having their pictures taken. FACT. Just because you posed in front of one of ours, there’s no real reason the person at the visa office will let you go and pose in front of one of theirs.

PHOTOBOMBING: The act of showing up uninvited in someone else’s photograph.

This is fast gaining traction and there is no real reason a politician shouldn’t leap on this particular bandwagon. All they need to know before hand is that for a photobomb to work, they need to actually be the secondary party in the shot. It does not make sense for someone to wrap their hands around you like some needy octopus clamoring for attention and then smugly declaring, “Ha, I exploded your photograph”

 

 

What If Uganda Was Governed By Musicians?

It started with a simple observation. That Justin Bieber can pull off the same level of governance in Uganda right now. And then our Finance Manager paid the electricity bill for the idea bulb and wham! What if Uganda was governed by entertainers? Why not? It already is.

HipHop Uganda

Uganda Cabinet, 2014

President: Kanye West

Because he won’t accept that his best days are behind him.

 

Vice President: Kim Kardashian

Public figure for no reason really.

 

Prime Minister: Katy Perry

Because a Prime Minister is effective if they have Twitter to show for it.

 

Speaker of Parliament: Taylor Swift

Because the president doesn’t like her. But everyone else does.

 

Deputy Speaker of Parliament: Liam Payne

Because some people can only be known through Google.

 

Presidential Spokesperson: Justin Bieber

It doesn’t matter if he makes sense or not, people will always like to make fun of him.

 

Lord Mayor, Kampala City: Lil Wayne

More noise, less sense.

 

Minister of Education: R.Kelly

It’s much more fun to just pee on the teachers.

 

Minister of Works & Transport: Snoop Dogg

Look, I like pot.

Pot

And I like holes.

Holes

So why not just make things easier?

Snoophole

 

Minister of Ethics: Diddy

Starting today, I decree that you call me Puff Daddy. No, Daddy means child support. Call me P. Diddy. No, Sean Combs. No, remove the Combs, I like my hair the way it is. No, Diddy. Just Diddy. No…screw this! I’m bored. Let’s play another game. It’s called Miniskirts.

Me I Was Misquoted: Minister Denies Banning Miniskirts

Last year, Uganda’s Minister of Miniskirts Simon Lokodo told women to stay off miniskirts. This year, we find out that it wasn’t meant in the “don’t wear them” sense, but in the “don’t do anything bad to them because they are precious to me” sense.

Here’s our interview with the Regional Head of Miniskirts.

Loko

ULK: Good morning, Simon Lokodo.

Loko: Well done.

ULK: Let’s dig right in.

Loko: I didn’t dig into my wife’s phone last night to check if she was playing sex with other men. I was misquoted.

ULK: No, that’s…WHAT?!

Loko: You talked about digging.

ULK: LOL.

Loko: So you didn’t talk about digging? Meaning you were misquoted?

ULK: No!

Loko: Which means you were misquoted. Now do you get my precament?

ULK: Predicament.

Loko: What did I say?

ULK: Precament.

Loko: I was misquoted.

ULK: Must be your favourite excuse.

Loko: We’ve know each other from way back.

ULK: You and the excuse?

Loko: Yes. We first met in primary school when my P.3 science teacher accused me of calling someone a baboon.

ULK: And you were misquoted?

Loko: Yes. I didn’t call someone a baboon. I called somebody a baboon. There’s a difference.

ULK: Is that what happened when you banned miniskirts?

Loko: Yes.

ULK: What exactly did you say?

Loko: That they are banned and women should not wear them.

ULK: And how were you misquoted?

Loko: Do you want some tea? Coffee? I just remembered I didn’t offer you anything. Which, if you think about it, is very shameful for a whole Minister of Integrity. Where are my integrities?

ULK: Mister Lokodo, I have a really long day today. There are movies I have to watch and drinks I have to finish. Can we get back to the issue please?

Loko: Oh yes, tea or coffee?

ULK: Miniskirts.

Loko: I have only tea and coffee.

ULK: Did you or did you not ban miniskirts?

Loko: Yes.

ULK: Yes, you did, or yes, you did not?

Loko: Yes.

ULK: Lokodo, did you ban miniskirts?

Loko: Fffssshhh…fffssssshhhhhh…Hello? Hello? I can’t hear you! I’m driving through a tunnel.

ULK: Boss, this is not a phone interview. Stop playing.

Loko: Fffssshhh…krrrrrrr…fffsssshhhhh…I can’t hear you! Helloooo?

ULK: Good day.

Loko: Now I can hear you.

14 People To Watch In ’14 | Part 02

Master Ragga Gangsta Ivan Lee started the count last week, and I’m here to finish it. Cos they call me The Finisher. The Ender. The Fullstopper. The Period. Wait! Okay, let’s move on.

Aamito Stacie

Frankly, I didn’t know about this girl until I was told this morning that some Ugandan somewhere had won something.

Ninja Aamito

The conversation went something like:

  • Who has won?
  • The Aamito chick.
  • Won what?
  • Africa’s Next Top Model. You didn’t know?
  • Like a singing competition or?
  • No, dwanzie! Modeling stuff.
  • Good for her! Who again??

So yeah, watch out for this one. She just creeps up on competitions and wins things fwaaa.

Sshh

Janet Museveni

Back in 2013, she didn’t go for public HIV testing with her husband like she was supposed to. Cos she was still training. But after she’s done, she will unleash the biggest and grandest of all public HIV testings.

Kale Kayihura

The police chief’s love for teargas blossoms every other month. I heard he proposed to it late last year. Now he plans to introduce it to friends, family and the general public all year long. Although he has been introducing it for a while now. But you know relationships.

Alex Ndawula

Two thousand years ago, Jesus made a promise that He will one day come back. Around the same time, this Capital FM muchacha made the same promise. But even with the advent of stiff competition from other DJs and MCs, we haven’t lost hope that the self-proclaimed baddest badman on radio will make the promised comeback. One day.

Kid Fox

An unexpected guest on the list but still list-worthy mostly cos he represents a big chunk of failed artistes. As a diehard fan, I have, for the longest time, waited for Kid Fox to sprout into, say, Adult Fox but been hurt every year as my hope was crushed. Same as my other best musician Red Banton. From the beginning, I knew Red Banton’s career was doomed to stop. Cos, you know, Red? Traffic lights? I’ve never understood why he didn’t just change names to ‘Green Banton’. But there’s still hope.

 

A changed man

A changed man

Sexual Intercourse

I know we’re supposed to be talking about ‘people’ but judging by the rate at which sex tapes are being released, we can only assume the sex is acting on its own. Especially since the owners of the sex hide it inside the tapes but are somehow always shocked to find that it escaped and talked to reporters.

Unfortunately, this trend is bound to continue unless people start having sex in heavily secured environments like police stations or Besigye’s house.

Tamale Mirundi

He’s probably the most controversial presidential spokesperson in the world, a title he has rightfully earned from the way he bizarrely twists conversations. He’s that dude in school who barged into a conversation about the latest Apple technology with talk about the growth of agriculture in Uganda and how he also likes fruits. He’s that kind of guy. When he’s asked to make sense, he agrees that yes, he knows about Hisense televisions but doesn’t know how to make them.

14 People To Watch in ’14 | Part 01

Taking a cue from one of the dailies, we have gone ahead and assumed that you guys have nothing better to do with your lives than have someone tell you who to look at and for what reason. It’s not you, it’s us. We are pricks that way and you are our unwitting prey. Apologies. But hey, seeing as you made it this far, here are the people that will do something sometime this year….

Juliana

The singer was most recently involved with a guy many claim to be a South African doctor of some sort… We are not comfortable ascertaining of witch persuasion. As we write this, there are photos clogging my ‘whatsapp’ account and getting in the way of my New Year’s messages. Rumour has it that there’s also a sex tape, but my supplier around one of Kisementi’s pavements claims there’s no clear copy yet. We don’t really care for celebrity porn because it just leads to the sprouting of Kardashian-esque tendencies, so we will keep things simple and watch Juliana for her body of work, and not for her body.

This is a studio. Musicians like to come here and make noises. In that regard, it's like a hotel room, except that no one we know has ever been kicked out over not paying for its use.

This is a studio. Musicians like to come here and make noises. In that regard, it’s like a hotel room, except that no one we know has ever been kicked out over not paying for its use.

Mubiru

The former Sports Club Villa manager has accusations of sodomy hanging over his head and was until recently hiding outside our borders. For whatever reason, he chose to come back, was arrested, promptly thrown in to a cell and probed in what may or may not have been the best 36 hours of his life. Word going around is that he was recently dismissed, ending a scenario a member of the public equated to being akin locking the proverbial fox in the henhouse. This puts the public in a compromising position seeing as, when it is passed, the law will require you to identify homosexuals or risk being thrown to jail. If you see him, for your safety, look the other way. That’s “look” not “turn”.

When you place a ball in front of some, they figure they will have a field day...

When you place a ball in front of some, they figure they will have a field day…

Bad Black

Shanita has gone through the kind of crazy transformation over the past couple of years that would have the legendary King of Pop asking her to slow her roll. The reason she makes this list is borne of concern more than anything. When the public first met her she was a rich Chocolate Brown, then she got thrown in the pen, took on a shade of yellow (the uniform, try to keep up) and after her release, assumed the shade of a geisha. We are appealing to the public to watch Bad Black in 2014 because with the way she is going, it is apparent she is going for transparent.

You know it's only a matter of time...

You know it’s only a matter of time…

University Lecturers

Remember what we said about the students being competitive? Well, the lecturers sort of are like that, except that they don’t seem to suffer the same rebuke. Really, you’d think John Q Public would wag a finger as they admonished the lecturer thus, “Shame upon you! A Big Boy!”. But for some reason, we all put aside our grievances with lecturers and sympathise with them. Sure you could see the cobwebs hanging from the punch-lines of regurgitated ‘jokes’, but somehow you suddenly feel for them when they strike.

Judith

We paid her no mind in 2013 and the year ended with nude pics of the (and I really loathe this word) socialite. J-Heard’s our friend and I think in the interest of keeping her privates out of the public, we will do well to pay more attention to her. And in all sincerity, by the time this goes up (the article) (not the other thing) we could very easily be the only people who will not have not seen her. In the words of a soccer manager that decided to turn himself in, “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”.

So, er, this what the internet throws at you when you refine your J H search and add the words, 'with clothes on'….

So, er, this what the internet throws at you when you refine your J H search to include the words, ‘with clothes on’….

University Students NOT from UCU

University students are notoriously competitive. When one lot goes on strike, you can bet your ass, another will follow suit. With the whole sex-tape thing from last year, we can only expect that other institutions of higher learning will want to top what was done. In a big way. We can practically see the next producer ditching his cameo role and participating in some other capacity. They really should bring back English Language lessons, otherwise we will have more hip-hop lingo messing up our vieiwing experience, “Yo! Now drop it like it’s hot, as in…”

The Princess

In case you were wondering, yes, for legal reasons we cannot identify her by name. We will not even drop hints. All will say is, thus far, her leaked pictures are the only ones you will not be embarrassed about being caught with. No, really, if someone walked in on you in the middle of your ‘date with palmella handerson’, you would not fumble to hide the picture and issue an apology. In fact, the closest you will come to contrition will be the following line, “You guy! First switch on your Bluetooth and I hook you up. Anti you don’t have data?”.

To Be Continued…

Duties & Responsibilities Of The Uganda Police Fire Brigade

Owino market has caught fire for the fourth time and everyone is hurling blame at the Fire Brigade for not acting in time, always. Well, for starters, they are called the ‘Fire Brigade’ not ‘Fire Fighters’. Yes, fire is their business but not flames. Flames are not good people. So don’t get it twisted. According to the constitution, the Uganda Police Fire Brigade is responsible for:

1. Firing employees.

2. Firing up crowds.

3. Getting fired up for parties.

4. Singing Fireman by Lil Wayne.

5. Watching Man on Fire by Denzel Washington.

6. Cheering wildly as this guy from Fantastic Four does his thing.

NRM fire dude

7. Firing teargas when Besigye walks.

8. Firing answers when journalists fire questions.

9. Looking for fire to light their cigarettes.

10. Calling the radio and asking the DJ for Firefly by Owl City.

11. Downloading porn using Firefox.

12. Anything but stopping fires. Cos fires are adults. They don’t need to be coerced into stopping.

Kicked Out: What Next For The Lord Mayor?

Many men love attention. Some love to cry like little babies and have naked women run to their rescue while others prefer to just become Lord Mayor.

Unfortunately, Erias Thuglife Lukwago has been robbed of this responsibility. The poor idiot has been – how do you say ‘kicked the shit out of his seat’ without sounding mean?

Lukwagmire

So what’s next for someone who was supposed to just be attending ceremonies but got kicked out for not attending them properly?

1. Start your own ceremonies.

The position of Lord Mayor is only ceremonial. So when one’s ceremonies are taken away, why not go solo? Throw a massive birthday party and turn one of the speakers towards KCCA screaming, “Take that, b#@&?%$s! I gat my own ceremonies now!”

2. Or you could just start an events company.

LM Events

3. Become an MC.

What better way to be ceremonial than to become a Master of Ceremonies? The Fire Base Crew recently placed an ad in Monitor & New Vision asking for an MC with a KCCA background. Only that the ad didn’t run. Being a Lord Mayor was an added advantage because, you know, they are all talk.

4. Buy your own teargas.

One of the privileges of being Lord Mayor is you enjoy free teargas whenever you walk the streets. But who needs donated teargas when you can buy your own, right? And then walk like a boss cos, believe it or not, in Uganda, having your own teargas is a sign that you’ve made it big in politics.

5. Become a presidential advisor.

In Uganda, anyone can be presidential advisor. All you have to do is be a political failure. Even a baby rejected by the Electoral Commission for lack of minimum requirements could become a Presidential Advisor on Diaper Affairs.

Mixtape Image

The University Mixtapes!

Sometime last week, some UCU and MUBS students made a mixtape of their bodies. It was so off the charts it went viral underground. The best part is, now people want the full album. Their mixtape was awesome it got people talking. It was so awesome we momentarily forgot Kendrick Lamar’s Control verse. Yeah, that serious. It was so awesome you need to read this too. So, I thought to myself, why not make a mixtape of my own.

Mixtape Image

I don’t think that you are ready ‘fi dis

Track 1: Burn Them feat Game.

Now, if you are into making mixtapes with bodies, remember burn, delete, delete from recycle bin. Have NO evidence. We all know some of you have it on you bucket lists, not sure how deep (the buckets) they are, but if you have it, make it and burn it. Remove all evidence of causing an eclipse because you don’t want people travelling to your Pakwach and asking for district rights for having such a magnificent sight.

Track 2: Get off my Phone feat Ludacris.

I don’t know about you, but mixtapes are personal and so are the gadgets used to make them. Screen protect, lock, swipe and delete all whatsapp groups that might have access to your phone. Make sure you hire security to guard your phone while you are sleeping and stop being nice to friends who want to make phone calls or text their friends from your phone. They just might be texting and whatsapping themselves your video.

Track 3: In the Bedroom feat 50 Cent

I walked into my bedroom and thoroughly checked for any hidden cameras. None the less, if you made any mixtape and don’t want to take credit, make sure your faces are not shown. Make sure that your face is also not part of the rapping such that people think its fake. This track is especially for people who are courageous enough to download BBM on android phones.

Track 4: Imagine Us (read a***) feat Kirk Franklin

Mixtapes of the bodies are never supposed to go viral. Let alone, we are not supposed to release them to the public that’s why they are always made underground. I just don’t understand people who do this thing above ground (during the day and in the light unlike in the dark). Again, mixtapes of the body are not done in HD like one of the rappers seemed to indicate while being wrapped by another. So, if you have high tech gadgets, keep them to yourself.

Track 5: Yesu Bera Naffe feat That woman who sang this song

For those with morals, kindly revise your bucket list. For us(not me)  who still want to make our mixtapes of the bodies, please, kindly go ahead. But listen carefully to the lyrics of the songs above.

Track 6: Solidad feat West Life

Where’s the solidarity? I also don’t know but if your friends are quick to give away your mixtape as fast as these ones did, and also make an appearance on the crazed black pepper newspapers for rappers to give you shout outs, telling us how you started from the bottom and rode up to the climax, then this song is for your hurt soul. It surely will speak to you.

Anyway. . .

Started from the bottom, now we here!

Started from the bottom, now we here!

I want to give a shout out to the readers, even the kafulu who’s poking their head just to read this awesome article. We love you and stay tuned for the next mixtape coming to a whatsapp near you.

Sex And The univerCITY; A Campuser’s Diary

Dear diary,

I have come to you in my darkest hour because if I go to the internet, it may leak like that sex tape everyone is talking about. Funny thing about that incident, the only thing that leaked was the tape. I don’t know if anyone else noticed that… even the tap water was not flowing. Kyoka campusers. LOL {Lots of Libido}.

Anyway, me I’m not amused, as in, what was up with the soaping action? I’m surprised Sempa hasn’t come out to decry the potential sodomy that was there. Wabula, people can be dry, at least in prison movies they fast wait for you to drop the soap. This guy didn’t want to wait. Naye I get where he was coming from, campus can be hard. You get?

As in, coming…hard… I wonder what soap he used.

I think Lifebuoy is the one they usually use for such dodgy acts, but I don’t think he would have been able to sustain his attention with the smell of that soap. Munange diary, I remember those days of Lifebuoy. The thing would even stain your hands. Kale he should have just used Geisha, he would have lasted longer, oba.

But campusers can also be competitive. Not in class, obviously, but outside…or inside, depending on how you look at it. Kati guys are saying there are 400 more sex tapes that leaked. None of them is from that ka-boy Chris Thomas which sucks. Me when I skive classes on campus it is to watch movies, not to star in them. Things can change.

But you know what, I think maybe I am speaking from a place of beef. I think if I had a smartphone I would have also experimented. But I can imagine already…

o—.___      o–.

o—‘—      o—`—

 

o                 o

/__o              /

_// <\          ___/__o

‘               ”

 

o             o

X               \

__//__o          o–\_=

‘                      `

 

 

o          o

o_/\/___      o__\/\__

‘                  `

 

 

o o            o o

\|_           _\|

/TT \         //TT

 

 

 

o____            o o

o—.\__          \|

\__`         /|

`         \|

 

| |

\o/        __

|          _\o__o

/o\       _|

\ /

 

o

|

o|

_( |

 

Eh, but that can chew my airtime mob, but at least it won’t leak in the papers or facebook. But who would recognise me anyway? Zerros can overtie on me though. It’s like that time I jumped the wall. Fithe was on my fresh, mbu I had climbed the wall. I told him to prove it and he pointed at my freshly broken hand. I was in pain, but I convinced him it was April Fool’s. Kyoka Old timers!

But how did they convince that chick also them? Oba what’s the going rate? She didn’t even look high, but the way she just bent over, proper pro just! I think she has been to prison before, no one bends with such gas without experiencing the penile code… oba is that supposed to be the penal code. Kasta it’s a code of some sort.

Naye now, this other dude who was filming them, is he bisexual? How can he conc be there looking at his peeps. Atte in clothes. At least he would have lied mbu he will join them in a bit, then, when they are not looking, he screams that soap has entered his eyes. Then, when the pals are there telling him mbu, sorry, what, he would have said to the guy, me I’m easy, now even you enter her eye. Vibing 101.

–          A Campuser

 

Grand_Universe_by_ANTIFAN_REAL

The Universe Has Spoken

Every so often, you’ll hear stories of how all the Universe’s forces came together to ensure that somebody ended up exactly where they were needed. You’ll find books written (and no, anything based on the Mustard Seed does not count,) conferences set up and whatever else is needed to feed the ego that comes with knowing The Universe finds you special. Many of us however, are left wondering whether God cares which paths we take or are we just extras in some superstar’s life and it doesn’t matter if we order tea or coffee so long as it comes in a cup. Wonder no more my friend; here, I have come up with 3 ways you can tell The Universe is telling you to do something.

Your job: This is a hard one because sometimes you simply cannot tell whether to quityour job or not. Will your pay go up or should you just go to the private sector (run while you still have legs) and even whether to punch your boss in the face or just pee in his coffee every morning…decisions, decisions.

Sometimes you’re in the wrong sector altogether and have no clue. Say, if you were meant to be a plumber (like I was) then it’ll start out with sinks and toilets regurgitating, getting blocked or even blowing up and flooding your room and only yours. You’ll repair them repeatedly until The Universe just decides “forget it; time to teach this punk a lesson!” Suddenly, you’ll be fixing pipes at your house, the neighbor’s and even your boss’ who might even offer you a job in that sector. Now, at this point you’ll probably be very irritated but I urge you not to hit that wretch with a wrench. Simply think about it for a few moments and then go ahead with it; you might even break a few teeth and voila, you’ll have a job as a prison librarian. It could be even that that constant flooding in your house is some higher power trying to teach you how to walk on water…who knows.

Your social life: An area like this is a little easier to understand simply because we just do not learn. I mean dude, if they pop up only when you have money, they’re not true friends; if she won’t let you take a dump in her toilet, she’s not the one (what, you assume you’ll constantly be going to the neighbor’s when you move in together?) On that note, if your neighbor is constantly doing number-twos in your bathroom, it’s time to move! If that same guy owns a restaurant that every so often gives people, including you, a running stomach, don’t go back again. It’s highly likely his workers have the same fascination with bathrooms and they take it to the kitchen. This might be common-sense, yes, but when chickidee shows up at your doorstep in the tiniest little dress, you’ll forget that she poured acid on the last girl you tried to date (or so I hear; I wouldn’t know how that is.)

hr_After_Earth_poster-2

Yes, After Earth, we’re looking at you!

Yes, The Universe works in forms of common sense as well…it doesn’t always have to be grandiose, as much as it likes to show off. Also, perhaps one last piece of advice: if the movie has terrible ratings on IMDB specifically, and you watch it in the cinema, you’re gonna have a bad time.

Your language: No matter which way you look, there are teenagers all over the place and they always seem to come up with some sort of new baffling slang words that you just cannot understand. Sometimes hearing these kids talk feels like getting a rectal exam (or giving it; believe me, it’s not heaven for the doctors either.) It’s ingrained in some however, to be able to understand and speak all these strange terms without biting their tongues in half and having their brains freeze half-way through a sentence. That in itself could be a sign that you’re meant to work with the youth…or that you are meant to infiltrate them and take them down from the inside; whichever one you choose, I’m cool with it. Then there are those like me who, from childhood, were offended when we were teased for one thing or the other, simply because those assaulting us were doing it with such poor grammar. We cannot read PowerPoint presentations unless certain words are spelt right and we can’t help but correct everyone’s written or spoken grammar including our own.

You sent for me?

You sent for me?

Now, rest assured I have tried to suppress this trait but it will not be under looked! The Grammar Nazis are coming and when they do, The Universe won’t help you a single bit.

After all this, you probably have even less knowledge on the workings of the Cosmos and your place in it than you did at the start but hey, at least you’re not alone…there is, after all, the person who wrote this.