Category Archives: Uncle Agony

Once upon an Uncle…

I’m Sick Of My Husband’s Irresponsibility

Uncle Agony dear,

My husband has this irresponsible habit that is costing the family a lot of money. When he comes home he switches on almost every electrical appliance and leaves the light on in every room he enters. It’s irritating and makes us waste money on electricity bills. I’ve tried talking to him but he doesn’t seem to mind that power rates were increased. How do I change him?

Dorothy.

 

Dorothy dear,

Your problems are coming from Jinja. Another dam was switched on that side and now we are generating more power than we need for our appliances to stay off. Try talking to a woman called Muloni Irene. She’s from the Ministry of Energy. She has some some connections in UMEME. Or in your case, she has disconnections.

 

I’m Desperate For His Love

Uncle Agony dear,

I have this boyfriend and we have had a relationship for two years. I Iove him so much! I have never met him face to face as he lives so far away and we just text once a month or so. He sent me a snap and he is so handsome. Since receiving it I love him even more.

But now he has stopped sending me texts, and I am desperate. What must I do? I don’t want to lose him, as I love him so much! Please tell me how I can keep his love.

Unnamed.

 

Unnamed dear,

What’s this? You fell deeply in love with some guy you’ve never even met just because he sent you a picture he probably got off the internet, then he stopped sending you texts and you’re just going to sit there and watch while he does this despicable thing to you?

Make him jealous. Get a picture of some other guy, take it out on a date and take pictures of you kissing and doing nasty things to that picture, then send him the pictures. That should rile him big time. Remove him from your Facebook friends even. I guarantee you he’ll send a text saying sorry and even start following you on Twitter.

Your bond will become stronger and nothing will come between you two ever again. Maybe just a bad internet connection.

 

Sanyu FM Lounge: My Secret Lover Now Loves Me Less

 

Uncle Agony dear,

I like that people here are very bold and honest with relationship problems and I pray that the same approach can be used with my problem. I have been having a thing with a guy I like for almost a year and a half. We were dating undercover because he had a girlfriend and we had to conceal our relationship.

We would never be affectionate in public and we would have to go up country sometimes. When I’d go to his house he would hide me from his housemate. It was hard but we persevered. He has finally left his girlfriend, which is a major step for us.

However, now that we are a couple it is not the same. I do not mean to complain but the chemistry and fire is lacking and I do not feel the way I did when we were undercover. I am confused about how I feel. I do not understand. He also does not put in the same amount of effort and enthusiasm like he used to. What do I do to get the fire back because I do not want to end things. Please advise.

Joyce.

 

Joyce dear,

I think his ex-girlfriend has also learnt the tricks of hiding and now she’s better than you. Don’t worry. I’m the master of hiding. There are some good hiding spots in that house that will take your relationship to the next level. Have you tried the cupboard? Or under the bed. Or the roof. Or my house. Don’t tell anyone but this house has hidden me from my real wife for years. And no one beats her at searching for people. Come.

If you want him to love you properly, just make sure he doesn’t find you.

 

Sanyu FM Lounge Edition: My Man No Longer Wants To Have Sex With Me

Uncle Agony dear,

I need advice from those that are married or at least have been in relationships for at least 4 years. I do not want to sound like a sex addict or someone who is obsessed with it but you must acknowledge that it is a very vital part of a relationship.

So when my boyfriend and I had started dating, we waited for almost two years before we started having sex because I was not ready and we did not want to rush. Then we started having sex and it was great and that went on for another almost 2 years and I am talking about good, very good mind blowing sex.

Then we got married in December last year. Initially we had a very good run going but now it has been about 3 weeks and he is just tired. He comes home and just wants to sleep. He will hold me, then pass out in seconds. I was skeptical about trying because I did not want to come off as the wife who cannot do without sex but last week I just tried to seduce my husband and he said he was tired.

I am worried. Is he tired of me already? Is he sleeping with another woman? Does the frequency normally fall when you get married? Please help, I miss being intimate with my husband.

Starved wife.

 

Starved wife dear,

I stay in Bakuli just after the hospital there. I’m the one next to Hajji Matyampo’s house. If you get a boda from around the taxi park, they’ll charge you only 2,000 shillings to bring you. If you’re driving, just get to that place and ask anyone for Uncle’s house. Your advice is this side.

 

Sanyu FM Lounge Edition: My Boyfriend Doesn’t Know I Take Money From Him

Uncle Agony dear,

Ok now I heard you guys call someone a gold digger on the show the other day and I am scared that I may be put in that category. This is me asking not to be judged. Now my boyfriend and I have been living together since January. We share expenses but overall he is more well off than I am and makes more money and I have been going through some hard times and you know how it is with chics. You have to look good.

Now, every now and then I take some money out of his wallet; a negligible amount. I mean his money is my money right. I felt kawa about this but the other day I was telling one of my buddies and she was like that is stealing, Now I feel fake. Is it stealing? I thought I was entitled to his dimes.

Please do not snake my name banange.

Just call me anonymous.

 

Just Call Me Anonymous dear,

My point exactly. It’s a very common mistake for people to think that taking someone’s property without their consent is called stealing. Your buddy is not focused just.

My friend Bob opened a business here in Kenya last year that involved entering a few banks, shouting at a few tellers to put their goddamn hands up in the air and hand over a few billion dollars here and there then some stupid policemen called him a thief yet we had both agreed that he was entitled to the dimes.

If he wasn’t, they wouldn’t have put a building in the middle of the city and told us there’s money inside and people can come and withdraw. Withdraw namnagani? They didn’t give him an ATM card and the ATMs were far.

I just don’t understand these things I tell you. Even when someone dies, they say someone is dead. It’s a human thing and I won’t lie to you but I honestly don’t know why they do it.

So yes, you’re entitled to it. Just as much as you’re entitled to walking into a cabinet meeting right now, spitting in Sevo’s face and declaring yourself the minister of all portfolios. Frankly, I don’t know why I haven’t done it myself. Go ahead and take your boyfriend’s money without his consent. It would only be stealing if another girl was doing exactly what you do.

 

Sanyu FM Lounge Edition: I’m Torn Between Two Men

Uncle Agony dear,

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and 6 months now and we have had a very decent relationship. We love each other and he has been able to keep me happy and do all the things you’d expect your guy to do. We even have one of those relationships where people look at us with envy and want to be like us. The problem is he went to the UK a few months back for his master’s.

They say that with distance, relationships get tested. I have been faithful to the relationship thus far but the communication has been poor and he does not text or call as much as he should and when I ask him he says that it is costly and makes excuses of time difference, which is really small. Meanwhile when we talk he gives the impression that he is having very eventful nights full of partying.

Now I have met an amazing guy who is here on a 4-month contract. He is great and he even does some things my boyfriend is yet to do. I have told him I have a boyfriend and he mentioned that he will respect my boundaries and that a woman like me deserves to be treated like a queen. He has not even pressured me for sex. Now he leaves soon and is asking me if I would like to move to Nairobi with him and explore a life there.

He is willing to support me financially as his job pays him very well. I feel like I owe my boyfriend a chance to make the relationship work but what this guy has made me feel in 4 months I have never felt before in my life. What do I do?

Please advise.

Nakato.

 

Nakato dear,

He chose a happy future for the both of you over a relationship with you? You’re lying! What has this world come to?

Like there was this one time on campus when I was chilling in my hostel room with my girlfriend watching movies. It was class time but we stayed back for the sake of the relationship.

We did two movies but when I pressed play on the third movie, she yawned, stretched, got up and told me she had to go to class for a lecture. All this time I was staring at her with my eyes and mouth wide open in disbelief. My own girlfriend of two and a half years had refused to watch Kamasutra with me because she thought securing our future mattered more than this best selling movie?!

She said she’d come back after her lecture and be with me happily but you know how it is with long distance relationships. She went to class, we lost touch and I fell out of love with her. Besides, that movie taught me things that girl would never have given me. I’m still single and frustrated but at least I still have my DVD.

Since then I’ve known better than to trust girls with my heart and movies again. Naaka, if someone is so focused like that, they don’t love you at all. If he really loved you, he wouldn’t be trying to get rich and more intelligent. And we all know how poverty and misery are very romantic.

 

Sanyu FM Lounge Edition: My Boyfriend Refused To Clear My Friends’ Bill

Uncle Agony dear,

The other day something embarrassing happened to me and I am so angry at my boyfriend and do not know how to do this.

The other weekend me and two of my girlfriends were out at this restaurant so I called my man to join us because we usually spend our weekends together and it felt weird that I was not with him.

So he joined us, we ordered, ate and had a few drinks and when the bill came he did something funny. He got money out of his wallet and paid for me and for him and then passed the bill on to my girls.

I was so pissed and embarrassed, my friends just looked on because they didn’t have enough money so I paid for them and then we left. My friends are pissed at me wondering what kind of man comes and makes the lady pay.

He has lost marks amongst my friends and I talked to him about it and he just said that he is not dating them and so did not feel obliged to pay for them. Do you think what he did is wrong? Everyone in my crew is now calling my guy fake yet he works. We are still on campus and he is well off so they do not get why he did that. Is he a real man?

Lorna.

 

Lorna dear,

If he has a male reproductive organ, then yes, he is generally accepted by science as a real man. Check him properly.

Meanwhile tell you what? You just reminded me of this one time when I invited my girlfriend and two of her friends over at my house for lunch. We ate normally and pretended to care about each other’s conversations like normal people do but then guess what? Hmm.

After the meal, they all just sat there and no one got undressed for a foursome. Who does that? I invite them over and they can’t have sex with me? And get this, they were all working and could afford condoms. I was so embarrassed I tell you.

I tried to talk to my girlfriend about it and she threw saucepans at me calling me unbelievable. I hear they were not dating me and therefore didn’t feel obliged to have a foursome with me. Are they real girls?

Give me a hug, Lorna. Give me a hug.

 

Sanyu FM Lounge Edition: My Man Is Making Me Broke

Uncle Agony dear,

I met this guy almost a month now, he is a good guy who lives a posh life, he loves material things and he looks to be loaded. I love this guy, but the problem is, he is always borrowing money from me. Worst is when he wanted 400k and I gave it to him, all he did was pimp his room.

Lately he can’t call me, mbu he is broke, and then he asks for money again. I don’t want to lose this guy, but I want him to stop depending on me. What should I do?

Please advise me.

KK.

 

KK dear,

Love is like a red bucket of roses. It glows red in the dark and…you know what, these things of love sayings and idioms and parables always give me a hard time. So let’s just all calm down and assume I started by saying something sweet to make you feel good about this whole thing.

Now 400k may look like a lot of money at first but when you stare at it properly from another accurately calculated angle, it’s not really that much. The fact that he is kind enough to ask for an amount below one million shillings means he is considerate and such men don’t exist anymore. He is a keeper. You’ll never find a man like that ever again in this world.

And by letting him buy things like that fwaaa, he is helping this economy tremendously. We the citizens of Uganda would like to take this opportunity to officially thank you for what you do for us and our families.

 

She’s A Big Spender

Uncle Agony dear,

My wife is selfish and doesn’t seem to care about the rising cost of living. I’ve tried to explain to her why we need to cut back on some of our expenses but she rarely listens or heeds to my advice. She spends on very lavish items even when we have huge bills to clear. She leaves on all the house lights at night claiming it’s for security purposes. When I try to talk to her about our expenditures, she only gets angry and walks away. What should I do?

Angry Thomas.

 

Angry Thomas dear,

You need to master the element of surprise. Time a strategic moment when she’s not looking, move in slowly behind her and then talk to her suddenly. That way you’ll catch her off guard and by the time she gets angry, she’ll have listened to some of your words.

You can also sneak some words into her ears while she’s asleep. I don’t know why but somehow a wife doesn’t react badly or even move an inch when you talk to her while she sleeps. She pays close attention and even closes her eyes so that she concentrates on nothing else but listening. You can think she’s sleeping.

 

He Lied, Cheated Then Broke Up With Me

Uncle Agony dear,

I don’t normally hangout with friends mostly because I’m the more indoors type of girl but recently I went to a bar to hang with workmates and spotted my man kissing another girl. First, I was so angry that he had lied to me about his whereabouts. He told me he was at his friend’s house watching a football match. Now here he was putting his tongue in some dirty whore’s mouth. I walked up to him and confronted him but his reaction shocked me more. He told me he had wanted to break up with me a long time ago but I was just being blind and that he wanted to stay with the girl he was with. It was so infuriating that he had turned all this around to being my fault. Sincerely what do you do with such a man?

Mimi.


Mimi dear,

Me? Me I would do nothing really except maybe stare as they kissed. And maybe drool. But if I were to put myself in your sapatus, I’d refuse to catch my spouse cheating. Catching a man cheating is never a decent thing. Shame on you and the mother who taught you such things. Leave them alone, go back home, get your phone, call him and tell him “Honey, I did not just see you putting your tongue in some dirty whore’s mouth because you are at your friend’s house watching the match. I love you. Bye.”