Category Archives: Uncle Agony

Once upon an Uncle…

My Boyfriend Has Serious Issues

Uncle Agony dear,

I have issues with my boyfriend. He is a mummy’s boy. He likes picking fights even over the smallest things you can thing of and he is a drunkard. Banange a piece of advice.

Me.

 

You dear,

You say you have issues with your boyfriend but these look like his issues, not yours. What I sense here is envy which, if not dealt with immediately, could lead to resentment. You envy him because he has issues and you don’t. But that’s okay.

What you now need is not advice. What you need is your own issues. It’s the only way to strike a manageable balance in your relationship. If he likes picking fights, go out and also pick something of your own. Like stones. You can even get issues that are way better than his. So what if he is a drunkard? Become a drug addict.

The only issue you shouldn’t worry about is his being a mummy’s boy. Unless his father rears a certain animal that he somehow fell in love with, married and impregnated to achieve him as the offspring, hence making him an animal’s boy, he, like every other boy in the world, is unquestionably a mummy’s boy. Except Chuck Norris. He produced himself.

She Just Wants To Be Friends

Uncle Agony dear,

I met this great girl about two months ago and we’ve been hanging out and enjoying each other’s company more and more since then. She has a boyfriend but I think she and I are developing something stronger. The problem is she thinks of our relationship differently. I like her a lot and I want us to start dating but she just wants us to remain friends because she has a boyfriend. I don’t understand. I’ve given her all the right signs, I’ve been so good to her, been there for her whenever she needed me even more than her boyfriend and yet she doesn’t seem to want to have a relationship with me.

At some point I got so angry that I just wanted to dump her but then thought that maybe if I stayed in her life longer, she would change her mind and accept a relationship with me. I believe am good for her but she just won’t see that. Kindly help me please. What should I do?

Junior P.

 

Junior P dear,

Sometimes chicks be funny like that. Me there was this one time I badly wanted to eat. I was so hungry that suddenly everything looked like food. Everyone that passed by looked like they were sprinkled with onions and cabbage. Luckily, I found a restaurant nearby and immediately told the chick there to give me whatever she had on the lunch menu.

Guess what she told me? That she could only give me soda cos it was way past the lunch hour and they were out of food. I couldn’t believe it! She had refused to give me food even after I gave her all the right signs. I was hungry, I was seated in the restaurant, I had the money to pay her…how could she allow customers to come earlier and finish the food like I wasn’t going to want some also? Then I thought, maybe if I sat there longer she’d change her mind and tell one of her customers to bring back the food they had eaten. Or maybe if I continued pestering her, the energy generated from all the questions would be enough to turn the soda into food.

I believed I was good enough for her food but she just couldn’t see that. I sat there confused for close to an hour but, unfortunately, all my efforts couldn’t help. Luckily, there was another restaurant just next door that worked 24/7, so I moved on and ate.

You could either try the same restaurant (very good food) or you could ask her boyfriend why she’s acting like that.

He Spends More Time With His Family Than With Me

Uncle Agony dear,

I am so in love with my boyfriend and I believe he also feels the same. He promised to leave his wife and settle with me and I will wait for him for as long as it takes. Please don’t judge me. We were very good friends that we used to talk to each about our relationship problems until we just found ourselves falling in love with each other. I left my boyfriend for him but he’s still in the process of leaving his wife. It’s harder for him and I understand because he has been with her for a long time and they have two kids together. The problem is that he spends more time with his family and less time with me. If he’s going to leave them anyway, shouldn’t he be spending more time with me to build our relationship? What should I do?

SM.

 

SM dear,

Unfortunately, most men are like that. They tend to favour their families over their mistresses. The bastards. What they don’t realize is that without their mistresses, er, well, nothing changes but the point is the mistresses are also important somehow. Google it if you don’t believe me.

Without people like you, economies would collapse, countries would go to war and people would die of hunger and diseases. True story. You need to make him realize that without you, he will be completely devastated. He will keep his family, his kids will grow up to love him and so many more awful things will happen to him.

But what do you need him for anyway? You can build the relationship without him. And if building it alone becomes so overwhelming, you can always get a loan from the bank.

I Want My Ex Back

Uncle Agony dear,

It’s been five years since I broke up with my ex but I still think about him. I’m dating another man who has asked to marry me for over a year now but I can’t make the mistake of settling down with him when I still love someone else. The problem is that although my ex is also not married, he’s in a serious relationship. Breaking up with him was probably the biggest mistake of my life and I’m thinking of contacting him again. Please advise me.

Desire.

 

Desire dear,

The presence of over five big telecoms that offer integrated voice, SMS and data solutions has greatly eased the communications platform in Uganda. You can contact your ex using MTN, Airtel, Warid, Orange, UTL, Smile or the new K2. The biggest players even offer revolutionary voice solutions for when you have no airtime but still want to call him. For example, the new MTN Xtra Time.

But if you feel shy about talking to him, like most people do with their exes, you can text him. SMSes these days cost as low as 25/- depending on your service provider. You can also use the internet to email, Facebook, tweet or Whatsapp him. You can even beep him and when he calls back, you pretend you dialed his number by mistake. It’s a common tool that exes worldwide use to stay in touch.

I hope this helps.

I’m Torn Between Two Men

Uncle Agony dear,

My heart is split between two men. One is my boyfriend and I love him so much, and the other is a friend I met at my sister’s birthday party. We hit it off really well and somehow became close friends. He’s always there when I need him and he comforts me especially when I’m having trouble with my boyfriend. They are both special to me and I don’t want to loose any of them yet soon I may have to choose who to keep. Please help.

Faith.

 

Faith dear,

It’s not something I’d worry about very much. Many people around the world face the same problem. In fact if you did a Google search right now, you’d find that an alarming 40% of the world’s population have, at one point in their lives, spelled the word “lose” wrong, which inadvertently creates a whole string of problem after problem.

For instance, in your situation, how exactly would you define “loose”? Did you kidnap them, gag and tie them to chairs and are now looking for ways to ensure that the knots keep their grip? Or are you clasping them tightly that they are becoming too heavy and you now want to decide who to drop on the floor?

In the case of the latter, it really depends on your strength. Although I’d suggest you let the bigger one loose. Small guys are easier to carry. But if it’s a case of the former, I’d recommend the book ‘How To Kidnap A Child’ by Stephen Baskerville, PhD. Once you master the art of infant kidnap, you can easily apply it to grownups.

However, a gut feeling tells me you meant “lose”. In which case I’d be confused because I don’t see how you can love someone and then fall in love with someone else. It could be a psychological problem. Many of them are caused by tumultuous pasts or even brain tumors. Have you tried seeing a doctor?

 

He Has A Child With Someone Else

Uncle Agony dear,

My husband and I have been together for over five years now. I love him so much and we have three kids together. However, I recently discovered something very shocking that I’m still confused about what to do even after asking my friends and family about it. I found out that he has another child with another woman. We’ve been so in love that I could never have thought of him as a cheater. To make matters worse, he got this child during our marriage and when I found out, he asked that I don’t tell anyone. Can you believe it? Anyway, I don’t want to put my family to shame either so I’ll not even use my name. I’m still so shocked and confused. What should I do?

S.

 

S dear,

This is Sarah, right? Sarah Ariho from Gayaza? Wow, it’s been ages, chick! I last saw you at that company workshop in Entebbe about two years ago. How’s life? I hear things at home are tight? Your husband keeps talking about you two having problems or something like that. I always bump into him. Apparently, you’re blowing some stuff about some kid out of proportion lol. Typical Sarah from way back. It’s just a kid. Give it time and it will grow up and get married and leave you guys alone.

Oh, by the way, the boss still hates you for yapping about that little incident when he gripped your ass in office. Hehe. Sarah Sarah Sarah!! It’s just an ass. I mean if it were that important to you, you wouldn’t leave it dangling behind your body all the time like that. You’d probably keep it in your bank account or something.

But meanwhile you’re lost for real. You never pick my calls. What’s up? We should meet for coffee some time soon. Oh, and don’t tell your dude I talked about your family stuff. He’ll bust my balls if he finds out I told you.

 

I FEEL LOW AND WEIGHED DOWN

Uncle Agony Dear,
I was recently involved in an abusive encounter. I generally like to keep a low profile and stay away from incidents that would draw attention to myself, why, my idea of  ‘coming out’ is taking a bath. However, this time round, with no provocation, a man grabbed me… aggressively. I don’t even know why he did, especially considering all I was doing was hanging around with my sister. I remember my initial reaction was one of shock, because, damn, I’m a lady and I’m not used to being treated this way, but it was soon evident that he was not going to let up anytime soon. It was a horrible experience Uncle, so much so, I even threw up some lactose I’d been keeping in for the longest time. What should I do?

Ingrid’s Boob
Dear I B… you need to be firm. Stop crying over spilled milk and move on

She Got Pregnant To Keep Him

Uncle Agony dear,

I have tried to take away my neighbourhood husband but the ring wife of church is putting up so much fight for him, she even got herselef priginant. I love my husband, okay he hasn’t married me yet but he will. Should I also get priginant?

Anaza thing, i used to be their maid, that’s when I fell in love with my manster of the house.

Former housemaid in love, thank you.

 

Former housemaid in love, thank you dear,

Is this Bad Black? Coz I swear you look like her. Even the way you put so much unnecessary makeup on your English is the same.

Or is it Zari and Judith Heard? Coz you talk like when those two girls meet and their English jeers itself and packs its bags and goes to Sue Ochola’s house to watch UBC.

Or is it someone from A4C? Coz they were banned and I’d understand if the police raided their offices and arrested all the English.

Or maybe it’s Hajji Sebaggala. No one knows the real sex of that woman. Some people think she now works with a certain urbarn radior startion whose presenters eat breakfast in Luganda and then go and present in Engrish.

Either way, we’re very pleased and honoured to know that you read ULK.

 

My Boyfriend Now Acts Disrespectfully

Uncle Agony dear,

I have issues with my boyfriend. He is a mummy’s boy, he likes picking fights even on the smallest thing you can think of and he’s a drunkard. Banange a piece of advice.

TS.

 

TS dear,

Your boyfriend may be suffering from something I don’t know about. It normally happens when he develops an allergy to an object on your body. Like maybe your breasts. But you can’t know for sure unless you try leaving him in the house alone with a foreign pair of breasts. You can borrow some from one of your friends.

Just put them somewhere he can find them easily and leave the house for about 40 to 50 years. The disease unfortunately has no cure so even if you come back, you might have to keep giving him a regular dose of different breasts here and there to prolong his life.

 

I Don’t Love Him But He Won’t Leave

Uncle Agony dear,

I am surely in agony. You see, there is this man who has been terrorizing me with his love but me I don’t feel him. I am tired of him pestering to love me yet all the things I have said to turn him off have failed.

I have tried assuring him I have HIV, I am married to a male serial killer, I am the queen herself and unapproachable but all these things have fallen on deaf ears. So I am asking for your help.

He has asked me to go out with him for dinner tomorrow and I am wondering if I can pull a “White Chicks” stunt on him by farting at table, ordering for the whole menu and chewing badly. Do you think he will leave me alone then or?

Anguished single girl.

 

Anguished single girl dear,

What you’re experiencing is something that staunch mathematicians call cross pollination. Basically, all that you’re doing is exactly why the man is attracted to you.

For example when you told him you have HIV, he could have liked you because he owns a drug shop that sells ARVs and you’re going to be a frequent customer. And then when you told him you’re a queen, he thought it was a chance to drop the drug shop business, marry into the royal family and inherit something.

If you go out with him and fart, he’ll just see that as another business opportunity to expand his shop and start selling air freshners. So it’s up to you. Say yes and he’ll stop requesting to love you but you’ll kill his dream. Keep saying no and you’ll grow Uganda’s economy.