Category Archives: Top 10

Top Ten: Ways to Get Laid

Getting laid is not all that hard. I do not say this because I am some smooth Casanova who has so much sex flung at him he has been keeping some in the fridge ever since his lecherous boy-touching nanny taught him when he was twelve that sex goes bad when you keep it in the open for more than two hours.

Movie Nite: A casual affair, with some friends. Here is our Casanova, ever the Perfect Host:
CASANOVA: Guys, guys, there is a pizza in the oven, some crisps in the kitchen and enough cans of Diet Sex! in the fridge to go round. Lets watch this movie, LETS DO THIS!

No, I am not that guy, I haven’t gotten laid in so long that the next time I have sex; the surprised female (God help her) is going to be shocked to discover  flour in the condom.

Courtroom: angry faced sexual partner doubles as Judge. Guilt faced me stands mournfully in the dock
JUDGE: Does this belong to you by any chance? Please answer the question.

Exhibit A: Fossilized Sperm

ME: Shifty look

That is where things stand. As such therefore, I would not advise you to take these following tips too seriously.

Presenting; the top ten ways to get laid.

Part 1: Gents

1- Begging. Debase yourself, make a spectacle of yourself. Stand outside the Makerere Campus gate with your large liquid eyes, paw outstretched and tail a-wag, running up to any chick who walks past and saying in your most ingratiating tone, : Mummy mpako ku ka sex.

2- Money: End of month correct? Fat NGO salary in pocket? Perfect! Go sit at the bar and wait. First hot Ugandan chick that walks up to the bar, slide a fat wad of expatriate cash in front of her and drop one eighty year old eyelid in a dusty wink.

3- Lies: Approach naïve, self conscious but severely repressed young filly. Wear your Cocky but Knowing face. (It is advisable to have several of these Instant-Dry, Ready -to-Wear faces lying handy in your brightly sequined man satchel.) Now tell her you are the last living descendant of the great king Midas and your dick is going to turn her vagina to solid gold.

4- Persistence: Find one sure-fire-can’t-go-wrong sentence that clearly but simply summarizes your intentions. Something like: I am highly desirous of having coital relations with you and I am prepared to be creepy about it. (That’s the one I use anyway). Now buy a lot of airtime and text this to her every thirty minutes. Time will do the rest.

5- Romance: Go to the supermarket. Buy a dozen long stemmed white roses, five scented candles, a dinner, and a beautiful card with mutimas on the cover. Also buy two hours of conversation, a boat ride and a shooting star.

Preparation:
• Go home
• Pour into a blender (Peel if appropriate or cut up into small pieces)
• Wait till smooth.
• Pour into a jug.
• Pour contents over her nice and glossy head
• Pull your dick out and shout, MPA SEX!!

Part 2: Ladies

6- Lashes. If centuries of literature are to go buy, there is a direct ratio between the frequency, speed, and force of your eyelash batting muscles and the extent to which you get laid. I happen to believe this. There is a girl I know who can lay any guy. She has so much restless come-hithery in the upper part of her face that when she sometimes forgets to control it her eyelids just turn into butterflies and fly off.

7- hmmmm, I have oba dried up? I don’t know that much about chicks do I?

Back to the Gents

8- Looks. Go rough and rugged, especially if you want the white chicks. I should say especially when you want the white chicks. They do love that raw Shaka Zulu/Murusura/African Native look don’t they? Oooh yeah. So get the look. Then go to Iguana on any Friday night and just… exist.

9- Act: chicks love that mysterious, shady shady flavor. Be there nga tebakutegera. As Bobi Wine, the great sage said, Women fear what they don’t know and love what they fear. That’s why they love me. Then he said a bad word. But the point remains. I think I am going to get a mask to make me mysteriouser than even Enygma.

whaddya think?

10- Be marriageable. No comment.

TOP TEN: Losing the Plot… Smoking

Nicotine is a great synapse enhancer and smoking is a habit that many of us have nurtured since early or mid-adolescence. What most smokers will tell you is that a smoker can stop anytime he wants. Oh yes! I know this to be a fact. See I have this friend, I’ll call him Ashy-face; and he has been stopping any time he wants since he started smoking three years ago. That is how I know.
There is a point at which a smoker knows that he or she is over doing it. There are certain signs. If you keep a look out for them, you will never catch yourself with a lighter in the middle of the night rolling up a spoonful of tea-leaves and smoking them to, “see how it tastes”.

Presenting the top ten ways to know that you need to cut down on the smokes

1- The sight of an ash-tray leaves you dry mouthed with lust.

2- You break the filter off of the cigarette and smoke the cigarette without the filter to see what it is like.

3- Then you smoke the filter.

4- When someone slaps you, cigarette smoke comes out of your ears.

5- Your name appears on the BAT Tax returns.

6- You take a break from smoking to work. (this one is lame, it wasn’t mine, I was under duress)

7- When sniffer dogs are tracking you down, it’s a toss-up between finding you or ending up at a fireplace.

8- You tip waiters with cigarettes.

9- You claim you would quit if you could but what about the poor souls who work in the tobacco factories?

10- You think this is a joke and tell it all the time.

TOP TEN: Losing the Plot… the Kitchen

Sometimes, you go through life as happy-go-lucky as a fly on a honey jar. Then you realize that the honey is stiffening and you are trapped. You come home one day, enter your kitchen and the sight that meets you is so mind boggling all you can do is make this retarded ass face.

 

Welcome and many Happy Felicitations you cretin, you have just lost the plot

 

If you are a bachelor, losing the plot where your kitchen is concerned is not difficult, it is frighteningly easy. One day you just come home and find your kitchen has committed suicide.

I have taken it upon myself to throw down a few pointers. This is friendly advice. Presenting the top ten ways you know its time to do something about your fshnucking kitchen.

1- The dishes
Now tell me you filthy motherfrucker, did you think they were going to wash themselves? Did you think that scraping off last weeks dried spaghetti with your fingernails qualifies? Look at him sniffing them. Like socks. This punk would rather go and buy new plates than wash the ones he has. The punk is actually throwing them in the bin. What the hell are you doing, go wash the things, you are losing the plot.

2- The bin
Take the trash out Brainless. Pretending you don’t see the rubbish, just because it is growing hair. You think you have a pet now huh? You think you have a small furry mammal squatting under your sink? That’s no pet. That is Darwinism. Take out the frucking trash, you are losing the plot.

3- The sink
There is a shoe in the sink. Now tell me.

4- The visitors.
Every time your landlady comes into your kitchen she first makes the sign of the cross. Well, she isn’t that religious and you know it. You want to know why she crosses herself? You want to know why there is terror in her eyes? Ok. I will tell you. It is because Satan himself lives in your kitchen. That is why.

5- The furnishings
Now what is a bong doing in your kitchen? Hmmm? Honestly, give me one good reason why there is a bic pen tube and a shriveled pineapple stuck together with masking tape in your kitchen. Goddamnit you fcuking retard, the reason I brought your attention to it was so that you could remove the motherflaker, not eat it. I swear this guy! Alright go ahead, eat the bong. Christ, and I hope you get tapeworm.

6- The smell.
This is not even funny. Your kitchen walls used to be blue, now they are grey. You are bleaching the walls with stink dumbnuts! Don’t pretend everything is hunk- dory just because your nose stopped working a month ago. There must be a reason why the skin on your face is peeling. You aren’t doing research for the Chemical Department of the military, do something, you are losing the plot.

7- The pests.
Cockroach puke. How bad does it have to be for cockroaches to puke? You are something else you know that? You know people can’t even bewitch you now? Even evil spirits are afraid of coming near your kitchen.

8- The food.
This is how low you have fallen? This is where things have reached? You are raiding the mouse trap for food now? Congratulations.

9- The nightmares
I am not saying that dreams are bad, or that they are good. No one needs believe in dreams, they are just dreams, but if in your sleep you hear voices coming out of the taps, wailing voices, maybe you need to pay some fekking attention and go pay your fekking water bill you Idjit.

10- The appliances
No. I do not think wrapping grasshoppers in newspaper and ironing them  counts as cooking. No it doesn’t.  Say what you want.  I am done here. I can’t take this.

TOP TEN: Exam Fails

What, one might ask, is a fail?
A fail, is a real world manifestation of weakness. For example, you see a tsetse looking chick (because she is fly) and you want to do bad manners with her. But when you walk up to her all you can manage is…

God I feel daft
That is what is called a FAIL!!!

However, I am not here to talk about that sort of fail. In school, (we have all been to school no? Are we all educated here? We are? Are you sure? Alright)
… In school, we all did exams. And if you have done exams, then you have failed at least once. This is a different kind of a fail, this is a fail that no one can blame you for. This is basically walking up to aforementioned chick and laying game down on her but mid giggle the boyfriend comes along and ruins everything.


This is not a FAIL. it might be failing.

Some of the stuff in school was just ridiculous.

Can anyone tell me the use of the silent letter?

But nonetheless there are some people who do not know what is to flunk an exam (I hear such animals exist). Well, I have set a small paper of my own. If you are the sort of person whose Fairy Godmother sprinkled magic dust in their cornflakes every morning, would you please oblige me and try your hand at a few of these questions. And when you are done would you be so kind as to enter your marks in the comment box at the bottom?


 

PRESENTING: YOUR TOP TEN GUARANTEED FAILS
INSTRUCTIONS: This is a closed book closed notes test. Calculators and outside papers are not allowed. Each number is worth 10 points. You may begin.

1- 553/2 Biology:
Make life………………………….. 15 minutes

2- 840/2 Computer Studies
Download a cat……………………..11 minutes
(Download Managers are prohibited)

3- 535/3 Physics:
Float …………………………. 7 minutes

4- 314/2 French: Grammar & Reading Comprehension
Translate the following to Francaise (2 points each)
• Blariful
• Straka
• ROR
• Cockwittery
• Cho!
………………………………….. 2 minutes

5- 475/2 Additional Mathematics
Find the square root of fifteen. (The word, not the number)

6- 752/2 Power and Energy
Do fifteen cock push-ups ……………………….. 5 minutes
(If you do not have a cock of your own you may borrow from a neighbour.)

7- 224/3 CRE: The Early Church
Here is some water. Make Waragi. ………………………5 minutes

8- 285/1 Political Education
Start World War 3…………………………..5 minutes.

9– 610/4 Fine Art
Draw what I am thinking. …………………. 8 minutes

10- 513/8008  P.E.
Run a marathon……………… 2 minutes
(Sweating may lead to loss of marks)

 

GOOD LUCK ….

dude

Why you still haven’t been claimed by the rapture…

Some old dude in the States got carried away with his algebra and decided the world needed to know of his awesomeness. This, as you can imagine was not going to be a cheap move to pull off, so he sunk a shit load of money into his mission and staked his reputation, you know, for good measure. When he figured he was ready, he took a step back and smiled…or cried, for you see, this old dude had discovered that the world’s end was at hand. Taking a leaf from a religion that closely resembled Christianity and basing his theories on little more than the mysterious numbers in Lost, dude said the day of rapture was May 21st.

Saturday came and left and didn’t take anyone with it… well, anyone of relative significance; Besigye may have been hoping it would have given him the opportunity to sneak out, but homie is still chilling at his crib with his new walk-to-work basically involving a trip to the loo.

So, what happened? Why didn’t the world end? Well, to understand the situation, you need to understand one thing. The faithful were taken and then there’s you, dear reader. And these are the reasons why you got stuck here;

10- That stuff you did in the club on Friday night probably didn’t win you any marks with the office upstairs and as such the powers that be figured you should stick around a little longer and rethink things.

9- The fanatics were right all along and your continued intake of rock music has earned you a spot down here for a bit. I know what you’re thinking, but leave Rachel K alone… I said ROCK and MUSIC!

8- Turns out Gladiator footwear really IS from the other side and the devil is having a blast looking at all the ladies he has enslaved every time they step out in public with that stuff. That… and leggings. Crocs were clearly a dead giveaway; no one that loves you will subject you to wearing them.

The 2011 Underworld Collection

7- By constantly looking her dead in the eye as she wears any of the items above and saying “You look okay” without the ulterior intention of getting laid, you have successfully cast your soul into eternal damnation.

6- Up till Saturday you had no idea that this website existed and have been living in sin all along, ‘LIKING’ pages on Facebook, reading Matooke Nation (hi you guys!) and constantly saying (that’s right, saying, not typing out) LOL, LOLEST and other silly variations of the same…eg UGKMO (U GON’ KILL ME OH) and NNNE (Nsese Nnyo Nnengwa Eri)

5- Its true after all, touching yourself is WRONG and will keep you here… yes, even if you’re wearing gloves (scented or other) as you do it. Also, its possible you misinterpreted that whole love your neighour thing…

4- You actually thought that Kanye’s last album was nice and can recite the lyrics to Monster like your life depends on it… guess what, it did.

3- You are one of those people that starts off the night with a bottle of warm mineral water, but as soon as you realize that you no longer have to pay for your drinks your taste slowly matures to accommodate drinks that you’ve only heard about in songs by Jay Z, Lil Wayne, Eminem and Keko.

2- You happen to be one of those guys that facilitate the growth process in No. 3 above.

1-  Your phone doesn’t have a ‘color screen’. You were clearly forgotten by time and it should come as no surprise that other monumental ocassions will choose to forget you as well.

 

TOP TEN: Because its like… uh, the end of the world, hello!

So the world is ending tomorrow, la di da and fuddy da. Some guy in the US has deciphered it out and beyond the shadow of a doubt, May 21 will be the date of the Rapture and the Day of Judgment will follow in October.We did the research, he isn’t lying.

 

Our psychic expert

 

So that is settled. What if your girl who is saved has refused to give you stuff until her birthday and it falls on May 22nd? What about all the days you have worked for this month that you will not get to be paid for? Jesus can be so selfish sometimes.

The guy who started it all, A Rev. Camping somewhere in California says that at 6pm tomorrow, its rupture time baby! I wonder now, does the rapture take place at different times the world over? California is several hours behind most of the world. Why does the West get to sit and watch the rest of the world disintegrate into mayhem? That gives them time to watch the fun and then get saved when it is approaching sixish there there!! I swear if God isn’t racist, he is at least Timeist.

So there will be a rapture, all the really good born again Christians will go to heaven, and the ones who will remain will be hypocritical sinners. There is a win win in this scenario. The fifteen man congregation church near my home that likes raising hell (pun intended) during my Sunday mornings when all I want to do is sleep will have to shut up. Indeed there is a God.

Well too bad, i want to sleep

So dear reader, what will you do when the times comes? When tomorrow you wake up and find clothes by the roadside, and you are are still here instead of up there in Abraham’s bosom, will you go out with a bang or a whimper? I do not know, but I uhm… have a few ideas?

Presenting: My top ten suggestions for what to do as the world draws to an end.

1- Get high. Get high on whatever brain altering mind enhancing drug cocktail you can put together. That way you will be in heaven way ahead of the rest. When they arrive all sweaty from prayer and repentance, they will ask you how you got there so quickly. You will tell them you used the high-way.

2- Party like it is the end of the world. Because it will be. Five months, go max.

3- Get laid in style. But not those pathetic, one bedroom one bed two condom forty minute affairs.  Enlist horny young teens, leggy but repressed MILFs, Livestock etc. Buy out all the Red Bull in the city and orchestrate a five months bonkfest. when the Legions of Darkness and the Heavenly Host are going at it, even you you will be going at it.

Talk about the ultimate orgasm

4- Spend your last hours watching a movie marathon of apocalyptic themed movies, Day after tomorrow, Armageddon, 2012 etc. Then walk out and experience the real thing itsself. This is what I am planning on doing by the way. I am going to carry a camcorder and record this awesome never before seen event for posteri… oh Dang!!

Judgement Day better have it's thing together, you guy, 2012 was a Disaster-thon!!

5- Go to a Buddhist temple and invest your last days in deciphering the ultimate truth… Just kidding.

6- Enjoy yourself. Clear all the small vendettas you have accumulated over the years. Buy guns, many guns. Start by killing everyone who says things like “I know, right!”.  If you can’t buy them then steal them. I know stealing is a sin but you are going to hell anyway.

7- Go to urbanlegendkampala.com and read the entire backlog of hilarious and rib cracking articles. Last chance Ladies and Gentlemen, get ’em while you still can!!!

8- Find that hot chick who likes telling dudes she will sleep with them only if the world is ending. But hurry, people actually die from fatigue.

9- Do all those things you have always been curious about doing but were too afraid. Like slapping a dog, peeing into an electric socket, doing the moon walk from Rugby Club to the Lugogo showground gate with your eyes closed. Simple things like that.

10- I dunno, pray?

TOP TEN: Hating on a dead chap. THEY STARTED IT!!

Osama. The Terror of the Seven Seas and Continents

Osama bin Laden(may he rest in fishes) passed away last week. You have heard of this I am sure.

Man you guy, there is another rumor on the internets

There are other rumours though, all sorts of rumours flying around. Concerning who Osama was and the nature of his death or if he like, you know, really died. Convincing stuff some of it. This fella could be anywhere. Every time I take a dump I have to stop myself from checking to see if a turbaned old bearded chap is winking up at me out of the toilet bowl.
I have compiled a list of the top ten juiciest rumours at the moment for your sake. Don’t be so skeptical. This might not be random paranoia. Keep your mind open. Just make sure Osama doesn’t fall from the sky and land inside.

WARNING: I might have embellished and even completely fabricated some perhaps not so minor details.

1- Top of the list is that Osama bin Laden is alive and still in hiding. He is in my toilet bowl, just out of sight. This is a fairly new rumour/theory but very believable. Your toilet bowl isn’t safe either.
2- Another version of this theory is that Osama is in the studio, with Tupac. He chull out on the terrorism biz, (everyone sells out sooner or later)

Till the end ma friend

3- Theory number two is that Osama never was. He was a figment created by the powers that run the world to instill fear into the hearts of men women and peaceable toilet bowl dwelling bacteria so that they would sanction the shameless bombing of oil rich parts of the world.
4- And the reason there are no pictures is that the graphics guy who has been doing the Osama work  chose this time of all times to run away with Obama’s real real real birth certificate.
5- Bin Laden is an alien intelligence from an alternate future. He cannot die. He just out-evolved the body he was using. He is coming back as Prince William and Kate Middleton’s baby.
6- Either that or Kate Middleton wanted Osama bin Laden’s head as a wedding present.

Shaddup! you dont know what kind of pressure I was under

7- He was sacrificed to summon reptilian spirits for Obama’s next election. The date of his death/sacrifice, 1/5/11 is a mystical Illuminati date. I put my thinking cap on and realized… 1/5/11 is one five and three ones. One five!! Three ones!! That says it all really. You don’t even have to think that hard about it.
8- There is one which says that he was a true son of the terrorist revolution who Terrorism God chose to take away because the virgins were starting to go bad. They were stinking to high heaven.
9- Donald Trump kidnapped him and Obama is bluffing. Osama will be appearing on Celebrity Apprentice throughout the presidential campaign as a merry eff you to the Obama man.
10- He was a merman spy sent to earth to cause chaos and mayhem. Until the SEALS found him. (sorry brain jam had set in. :) )

 

 

TOP TEN: April Fools Day Pranks

April Fools’ Day is a day traditionally dedicated to performing pranks. Now there is a certain variation of the prank called the Ricochet (or the Cerebral Triple Double-Take). If you don’t know what a ricochet is (God forbid); it is the bouncing of a projectile (e.g. a bullet) off of a hard usually metallic surface.

i got shot 9 times nigga, 8 of them was on my chain... ping ping Geeee Yuunit!!

It is what happens when in movies someone shoots in a warehouse and the bullet goes whanging all over the place. That is the kind of mental effect you want to generate.

The Ricochet prank is largely a species of mind-f**k. You need time, money, experience, research, creativity and in some cases a death wish to excel at it.  If done rightly the Ricochet results in grievous bodily harm to you and/or your subject’s (read victim’s) complete and utter brain jam.

This is what happens when you are on the receiving end of a particularly good Ricochet; –
You: Oh… What? …
You: But wait…
You: So if…
You: No, slow down thi…
You: Eh!!
Brain: F**K IT.

Here are a few pranks that should get you started. Obviously you will have to be convincing.
1- Crumple up lots of paper and drop the pieces on the floor. Keep one clean smooth sheet on your bare desk. Call in one of your subordinates and ask him (very angrily) exactly who the f**k the sheet on the desk thinks it is.
2- Offer the receptionist a banana. Moan softly every time she takes a bite.
3- Come early. Lock one of your saved workmates in the toilet. Nail his shoes to the ceiling, soles downward. When someone asks where Jeremy went, point at the shoes and say “the rapture, his time had come.”
4- Ask your workmate (X) where X is. Look worried every time he/she insists that he/she IS X. If they get angry or insist on ignoring you, tap your forehead meaningfully and whisper “someone is going cuckoo” to yourself.
5- Record yourself laughing. Burn this on a CD. Walk into your boss’s office. Tell her/him, “I know all about it. We will discuss the terms when I return.” hand her/him the CD and walk out.
6- Make small exploding sounds every time someone presses the ENTER button on their keyboard.
7- Hide someone’s computer. When they ask for it, call them to the toilet, look worriedly into the bowl and ask them what the usually do when they accidentally flush someone’s computer down the toilet.
8- As you pee against someone’s desk, tell them, with a snarl, that his desk is your territory now since you just marked it with your urine.
9- Eat from an empty plate. Belch contentedly when you are done.
10- Call everyone to the printer saying you have something important you want them to see. Propose to the printer. Wait three seconds then smile like an idiot. Get angry when they don’t clap/applaud. Accuse them of not wishing you any happiness.

Go forth and wreck mayhem, happy April first. :)

 

TOP TEN. Doing a Charlie Sheen.

We have all heard about the crazy Charlie Sheen formerly of two and a half men, currently of two goddesses and not even half a brain. His antics made several kinds of history over the past weeks.

Charlie Sheen minus brain.

So there I was and a thought occurred to me (as they are in the habit of doing) “what would it take for one to replicate the Charlie Sheen experience here in the nation’s capital? Presenting, the top ten ways to become Uganda’s Charlie Sheen;
1- First of all, you will need strippers and drugs. Enough drugs to kill two and a half men. (he he, snigger snigger, shut the fluckk up). Let’s do the math, chap chap.
• Big breasted mamas……………. 3500 @ from that ka joint in wandegeya
• Hard liquor……………….5000 for a ten litre jerry can (if you know what you are doing)
• A bucket of miira…………………2500
• Chewing gum……………………..2500 tops.
See, not that hard, less than twenty k and you are on the way already.

2- However the Charlie Sheen phenomenon involves more than just drug cocktails and orgies with strippers. It also requires you to go stark raving mad. FYI, it doesn’t help if you are rich, (that’s why it took Charlie Sheen so long) madness is a poor mans pastime. … Oh yeah, If you didn’t know, insanity is classist.
3- Do something to get the notice of the police. The options are uncountable, but I for one would enjoy standing outside Buganda Road Court shouting imaginative abuse in the style of one of those cooking oil soaked dudes from Spartacus.

Housewife suffers pang when mind ponders finest Mukwano oil squandered in frivolous cause.

4- Doing a Charlie Sheen also requires a twitter account. I do not tweet. But I am told it is quite the addictive past time, worse than Facebook did you say? Bah! … Facebook is the Godzilla of the internet.

we snort bird like charlie sheen

5- Drink a tiger’s blood.

an ordinary tiger will do just as well though

6- Winning. Be addicted to winning, even when there is no noticeable observable recordable thing you are winning at, just win! Be a winner. Like Museveni and Obama and other winning types.

 

 

7- Get into a public brawl with your ex. Charlie took his to court. Take yours to the people’s court, take her to the streets. And I am even the Streetsider. You’ll end up on urban legend.
8- Give yourself a nickname. One with biblical and/or Dungeons and Dragons overtones. Warlock, Malibu Messiah… wave it around, let it marinate.
9- Hold interviews. Talk about how phones are the devil and were invented by trolls; how you want to marry a tree so that you can produce troll murdering children who will work as assassins for the pope. Invent words like gnalrly gnarlingtons.
10- Talk about winning a lot. did i mention this, because it needs to be mentioned some more.

congratulations. you are offically a sheener.

TOP TEN: VALENTINE TIPS FOR ALL THE NIGGAS WHO GATS MUCH LOVE FOR THEY GIRLS

Niggas… we have a crisis on our hands niggas. Huddle up, we need to talk. It’s Valentine’s Day. The day to show your woman you ain’t bullshitting in this love game. It is that day of lurrrrrve!! That day of bright pink beating sweet mutimas. Even if you are one of those guys who only has a picture of his right hand in his wallet. Find a woman and make her feel your love. It’s Valentine’s Day!! I am talking to tha brothas. I am telling you, You gotta do something mehhn, you gotta show some love nyigga, you gotta go out there and do something brash and flamboyant and outrageous… the stink of love is in the air my Kampala brothas… YOU GATS TO FEEL THA LUV NYIGGA!!!

And if you need help, here are the top ten things to do for your loved ones this Valentine’s. To show them that unlike Warid Telecom, You Care.

1- Call your love first thing in the morning. But don’t talk those sweet nothings. Oh no! Do something to show them that today is no ordinary day. Unleash a loud war whoop into the mouthpiece. Or hum the intro from the NTV breaking news. Or sing the Love Wheel radio ad And I….. wanttu sheeeya ollo my laaav… do the Voice-overs as well. DO IT!

2- Send your loved one some flora (or fauna) at the office. Don’t send her some puny punk bitch roses wrapped up in tinsel. Everyone is doing that. Send her the whole bush. That’s how you let her know you are a high octane Nigga who lives hard and plays by no rules but his own. Big pimpin’ my friend, big pimpin’.

3- Where office gifts are concerned, chocolate is another common favorite in this season. All chocolate says is, I want you horny and happy. And who wouldn’t want that for a loved one? We all would! That is why I recommend mulondo and binyebwa. . T.I.A. This Is Africa. African love time baby!!

4- Pick her up after work. Even if you are a broke ass nigga who reserves the luxury of a bajaj for his birthday or the canonization of a new saint… pick her up after work. If you can’t afford a cab you can’t afford a cab. If she asks why you are taking her for a date in a cattle truck, tell her you spoke to the driver and he said you could have it as long as you washed it every Tuesday for the next month. As players and pimps hustling in this city trying to get that paper… we gats to keep it real.

5- Take her out to dinner. Can’t do pork? Can’t do Cayenne or Effendi’s or Serena? Take her for a Rolex, the ones of 700 which just have the egg and chapatti without the bigenderako. Your love is the bigenderako.

6- Watch a movie. Eff Cineplex. We don’t believe in it. It’s a matter of principle.  Cineplex don’t appreciate the struggle of being a black man in 2011.Make your own movie. Recruit some street kids and act it out in the middle of the street while she leans on a lamppost looking cool eating popcorn of 300.

7- Write her a poem if you want. Poems are good. But make sure it’s a thug poem. Make her feel the thug love nyigga. Valentine’s Day 2011, WE GOOOOO!!!

8- Take her out dancing in a club. Now if she wants to chill by the bar and be all casual, you can’t do anything more than that. This is her day you understand? But should she decide that she wants to dance, for example when that Bend Over song comes on, you have to put your pimp foot forward. You have to put in some good centre bolt action and rub her like you want her pants to catch fire. That’s how you show love on the dance-floor.

9- And when you get back to your place; you cant mess up my nigga brothas. There is no excuse. You have to make her speak tongues backwards; you have to make her dislocate joints that can’t be dislocated, like the ones in her ear. You have to put it down!! Make her feel the love!!

10- In the bedroom, you should be creative. If God didn’t give you money at least he gave you a hustlers brain. Do something memorable. Wear a cowboy hat with a mask for no reason. Invent a sex style and christen it. Something like the Crouching Phantom or the Howling Ninja. Get some mood music.  Techno should do the trick. Go all out. Break a leg, literally.

And at all cost, by any means… Make ‘em feel the love!!