(Mellow sound of a stream of water flowing. Deep baritone comes in over that)
Here at Urban Legend Kampala’s plush, air-conditioned offices, we aim to guide you to achieve your dreams. We know you have aspirations. We do research and give you facts and figures on how to get there. Today we bring you the top ten things you need to do to become a Member of Parliament (MP). We know you want to earn from sleeping at work and only waking up to shout hoarse, incorrigible sheet into the microphone of a puzzled, scared reporter.
- Develop a crazy love for oversized suits. If it is two or more sizes too large, that’s the perfect suit.
- Practice saying dumb stuff. Watch your baby speak, repeat after them. Watch movies or series in foreign languages, repeat after them. Go for mass, learn a few phrases in Latin. Repeat them. Practice in front of a mirror every so often to boost your confidence
- Sleep. Anywhere. Everywhere. At dinner. In parliament. The world is your bed. Without the mistress. Or the mattress. Or the bugs. Or the stained sheets
- Pick up an accent from any region of the country; anyone with a foreign accent need not apply. Say ‘the’ as ‘De’, say ‘road’ as ‘load’, ‘that’ as ‘dat’,pronounce every letter in ‘often’COMMERCIAL BREAK. Giving time to real MPs to catch up since they read slow. END BREAK
- De accent in place, unlearn everything you know about English. Get the language and do nasty things to it. Bend it over. Tell it you are its daddy.Learn to say things like “De main reeson parlyament is nont makingi a deecision…”“Dey are making noise like de mosqwitoes…”
- Money. Scratch a dime out of everything. Be on every committee since you get an allowance for being there. Carry all the extra snacks home in your oversize suit
- Interrupt all conversations or speeches with the words ”Mista speaker sir, is it in oda dat.. ”Shoot your hand up while doing this. Anywhere. At a graduation party. At a wedding. In the cafeteria
- Learn to live on 25k (USD 10) a month since all the other money you make will be lost to bank loans
- If you intend to be in the opposition, learn to criticize the government for everything. Blame everything on them.
It’s raining in Kampala. ”See what I told you about government? We need to investigate why dey let it rain here when deya is no rain in de Nors” . If you plan to be in the ruling party, learn to kiss ass and support errthing NRM. “Dat MP pulled down his pants and flashed his butt cheeks on TV because it is his right as a member of NRM. Freedom of expression. As NRM, we brought Uganda peace so people can do that…”
- Find ways of not being shy to whip out your shlong and pee on a policeman