Category Archives: Top 10

Monday Massacres: How To Be An Amazing MP

(Mellow sound of a stream of water flowing. Deep baritone comes in over that)

Here at Urban Legend Kampala’s plush, air-conditioned offices, we aim to guide you to achieve your dreams. We know you have aspirations. We do research and give you facts and figures on how to get there. Today we bring you the top ten things you need to do to become a Member of Parliament (MP). We know you want to earn from sleeping at work and only waking up to shout hoarse, incorrigible sheet into the microphone of a puzzled, scared reporter.

      1. Develop a crazy love for oversized suits. If it is two or more sizes too large, that’s the perfect suit.
      2. Practice saying dumb stuff. Watch your baby speak, repeat after them. Watch movies or series in foreign languages, repeat after them. Go for mass, learn a few phrases in Latin. Repeat them. Practice in front of a mirror every so often to boost your confidence

        Baby Talk

        Repeat after me…

      3. Sleep. Anywhere. Everywhere. At dinner. In parliament. The world is your bed. Without the mistress. Or the mattress. Or the bugs. Or the stained sheets
      4. Pick up an accent from any region of the country; anyone with a foreign accent need not apply. Say ‘the’ as ‘De’, say ‘road’ as ‘load’, ‘that’ as ‘dat’,pronounce every letter in ‘often’COMMERCIAL BREAK. Giving time to real MPs to catch up since they read slow. END BREAK
      5. De accent in place, unlearn everything you know about English. Get the language and do nasty things to it. Bend it over. Tell it you are its daddy.Learn to say things like “De main reeson parlyament is nont makingi a deecision…”“Dey are making noise like de mosqwitoes…”
      6. Money. Scratch a dime out of everything. Be on every committee since you get an allowance for being there. Carry all the extra snacks home in your oversize suit
      7. Interrupt all conversations or speeches with the words ”Mista speaker sir, is it in oda dat.. ”Shoot your hand up while doing this. Anywhere. At a graduation party. At a wedding. In the cafeteria
      8. Learn to live on 25k (USD 10) a month since all the other money you make will be lost to bank loans
        Broke
      9. If you intend to be in the opposition, learn to criticize the government for everything. Blame everything on them.
        It’s raining in Kampala. ”See what I told you about government? We need to investigate why dey let it rain here when deya is no rain in de Nors” . If you plan to be in the ruling party, learn to kiss ass and support errthing NRM. “Dat MP pulled down his pants and flashed his butt cheeks on TV because it is his right as a member of NRM. Freedom of expression. As NRM, we brought Uganda peace so people can do that…”
      10. Find ways of not being shy to whip out your shlong and pee on a policeman

Top Ten: What I Hope To See At The Zone 7 Back2School Parrey!!

For several years now, the zone 7 back to school party has been a staple of my calendar.

I can only speak for myself of course and the voices in my head. The distinguished ladies and gentlemen at the back of my cranium have agreed that the on Friday, Back to School shall be attended without fear or favor.

Keep an eye out for the dude dressed as a dude dressed as a pipette from the Chem. Lab.

Glorious visions of sweaty rub-a-dubs with the cross eyed school nurse (Ha Ha! finally she allowed my advances!!) are already making me drool, so before I lose it completely, let me first present the top ten things that I am looking forward to seeing at the 2013 Zone 7 Back to school Parrey.

Presented in no particular order and with no regard whatsoever to common-sense … and eh… man… just read.

1. A thief. We need to catch a thief. And beat him so badly he will go and tell other thieves that certain working class twenty-somethings still haven’t lost their touch.

2. Food-fight. At some point during the mbocha and lining up and generally around that time we need lights to go out and for the backup generator to black out for a few minutes. Mayhem will reign as it always does and when the power comes back on, a lot of people will have released their stress and maybe (if Jesus loves us) a couple of girls wearing nothing but maize porridge, will be making out next to the bushes.

3. A brightly painted lawn gnome packed to the eyeballs with Ecstasy and somewhere during the course of the party, a baseball bat.

 

Naawe, I am shy!

Naawe, I am shy!

 

4. Kiboks, hot ones. Someone should cane the Senior Teacher. And make him pick rubbish even. If there is no Senior Teacher first order of business should be to choose one.

5. An exam, at least a test or quiz, on the St Lawrence Seaway. Not even simanyi Saskatchewan simanyi Prairies what… Just the Seaway. Anyone who gets above twenty percent gets free hardcorn.

6. The Saida Kaloli remix… Has… to Be Played… At least… Twice.

7. A kakarabanda complete with bones and high heeled shoes (meanwhile what was up with that) in a drug induced stupor, partying like its 2013. Then leaving with the Mama of the YCS fellowship for destinations and tongues unknown.

8. A stall run by the Association of Disgruntled High School Photographers. Auctioning to the highest bidder, all the sosh/prom snaps you refused to buy because you were too cheap (and un-photogenic). I f I am not mistaken, there is a killing to be made here. Literally.

9. Jabba. A lot of Jabba.

10. Mandatory morning prep and muchaka muchaka for those who are still around at five am, especially if they look clueless and overweight.

 

Top Ten reasons to date a boda guy

This piece was compiled from an unsolicited drop-off. There I was chilling at home in a suit, like the guy in the O-condom advert, since that’s what all guys who chill at home do…then there was a knock at the door. I reached for my durag and nunchucks and opened the door. There, on my porch, right next to a shivering poodle, was this article; it was hand-written, with words scribbled, in red, heavily-scented lipstick, at the top “Post on ULK pleez”. So here it is:

Boda Boda

Getting a grip

Dear fellow ladies, all ma single ladies!, time to getcha hooked. Here are reasons why you should date a boda guy:

  1. Bad Boy

    Boda guy is the ultimate bad boy and you know how bad boys give us knock-knee. They make our knees weak. This guy picks up the rule book, burns it, buys every copy on the market, burns them and then smokes the ash. He’ll ride through red lights, msschew Policemen and do marijuana. King bad boy.

  2. He won’t just talk dirty to you, he IS dirty
  3. He’ll ride all day
  4. He sucks
  5. He never needs directions
  6. He (almost) always wears a helmet
  7. He listens
  8. Knows how to twist and turn when things are jammed
  9. He is probably rich
  10. He probably has an accent

How are you ugly? Let me count the ways… a TOP TEN

In life there are beautiful people and ugly people. That is how it is. And that is all that matters. As a youngster , I did not believe this. Instead I believed Jesus when he told me that God loves us just the same. However my great aunt Marjorie, who was a hater both by instinct and preference, convinced me otherwise.

She taught me (as I sat by the fireside, bright eyed and innocent) that things were not as they seemed. That talent, character, good works et cetera were reduced to nothing if the owner didn’t sport a bouncy boob or a swollen bicep. And if the owner did, something as simple as an ugly nose could kill it.

Here she would stare pointedly at my nose.

As I grew older, I found to my intense chagrin that I indeed, had an ugly nose. In fact I once (I have told this story many times) scared a newly laid egg so badly it popped back into its hen mother’s backside.

True story

Presenting the top ten features that kill your looks and how you can know

And I sincerely pray you have something to counterbalance, at least for me I can boast that I have the most nicely rounded potats in the district.

Behold them and weep
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

1.       Mouth

You are chatting online with a friend and you type LOL and they reply Shut It. It’s because you just made them imagine you with your mouth wide open.

2.       Fingernails

You hand a traffic policeman a bribe and he tells you his morals don’t allow it. Actually he has no morals. He is just scared that you infected the money with a flesh eating fungus.

3.       Voice

You stand up to testify in fellowship and you hear people saying Hush… Hush… For Your Information, that wasn’t meant for the giggling kids in the back, you self delusional horror, it was meant for you.

4.       Ass

You walk through the park and you hear louts shouting “Onzita”. Which in taxi lout speak translates as, “you are killing me! (with laughter)”

5.       Feet

If you’ve ever gotten your feet stepped on in a taxi, the answer should be obvious. Your feet are too huge. Yeah, better get busy with an axe bitch.

6.       Public persona

You have likes on your Facebook profile picture but no comments. Basically your picture is a self esteem booster for the Facebook public. It is worse if someone comments only to say, “I wish I could like twice”.

7.       Low self esteem

If you just checked your Facebook picture … you aren’t just ugly, you are encroaching on pathetic.

8.       Swag

If  you have to talk about your own swag then you are ugly

Even Beyonce gave up on upgrading THIS shit

 

  1. 9.       Video

Video Games are great ugliness valuators, especially first person shooter games.  A basic rule of thumb is that if your character never seems to want to face you, you are ugly.

  1. 10.   Popularity

If animals like you, it is only because you are one of them.

Top Ten: Ride This Town

I’ve said here before that boda boda riders are what came out when Satan got a handjob. I am man enough to eat my own words. Today, the shoe is on the other talon. I’ve seen the unemployment statistics and it’s time I empowered you; become a boda boda rider today. Here are top ten ways
how.

 

  • Feed your mind: A true boda boda rider is a guru on every subject under the scorching Kampala sun. He knows about SOPA, THEBABY, UTODA, PIPA, Seal’s breakup, Kardashian’s beep, how to dougie, Aguilera’s flow, Jay B’s baby, the financial markets, Owino market…err’thing.

 

  • Meditate: This is a very important skill. Kampala is a crazy city to live in let alone ride in. Your safety on the road is always at risk. Practice intense meditation; you’ll need to do it everywhere and at every opportunity. Given how busy an average day is, like other riders, you’ll use time riding to meditate. Swerving past cars on Kampala road, stuck in traffic at clock tower, speeding to Ntinda, pull out your prayer beads and meditate. Zone out. Don’t worry about who will control the bike; if your passenger can’t do it, Buddha will.

 

  • Helmet: Even before you get a bike, get accustomed to helmets. Buy one. Wear it to work. Go swimming with it. keep it on at the restaurant. Even when making out, keep it on. Tell her/him, “I gat ze protection baby” and point at it.

 

  • Lip gloss: Many times during your average day you’ll walk past places with lip gloss, mascara, fake teeth, lipstick, Vaseline….ignore these places. True bodabodies do not use these things.

 

  • Silence: Silence is for wussies. Let your voice be heard. Speak-up on what you think about what you had for supper. Let your thoughts on the state of your bike’s tyres be heard. Let people know what you do to boogers. Tell them also why you occasionally scratch your balls in public.

 

  • Theme song: The most bad-ass bodabodies have theme songs. Songs by Westlife are generally avoided. Think Sizza man. Think DJ Laguna.

 

  • Riding: To be a bona fide boda boda rider, you need something to ride. Something. Not someone. Or both. But one then the other.

 

  • Color: Bodabodies do not wear bright colors. Yellow. Orange. Those are for average Ugandans, not you, the elite.

 

  • Traffic rules: Get every traffic rule book you can come across and use it to light your sigiri. Use the fire to heat water for your annual bath.

 

  • Your body is your tool: Your weapon. Do not injure it. Be a master of yourself. Do not play with yourself.

Monday Massacres: To Di Gym

Many times you stop halfway to the gym and kick the idea in the buttocks and head home instead. You are scared because you don’t know what it takes to make sweaty sweaty without looking like an ass. Here are top ten tips to keep your cool while sweating it out. And get flexible while at it

  1. Do not carry your ‘Best of Luther Vandross’
  2. Leave the suit at home. There’s an unwritten rule that makes everyone stop and judge you as you walk into a gym in a suit, even one that your loaded cousin sent you from outside countries
  3. Have a headband. All the cool kids in gyms have headbands
  4. Always lift the heaviest bits first. As soon as you walk in, drift towards the heaviest equipment in there like a minister towards money for roads. Get there and lift it like it owes you. This will get the girls ooing and aaing. It may also snap your spinal cord in two places but who needs those cords when the girls are doing all the singing?

    Let's do this!!!

  5. Dress up. Squeeze into purple leotards. Purple because it is the globally-recognized gym-friendly color. Leotards because all people who know what they are doing in a gym wear them. Don’t be those people who go to public swimming pools in Y-fronts. Also, wear shades. These will hide how much you are straining under some of the weights.
  6. Stop every 30 minutes to go to a mirror and check how much sweat you’ve worked up
  7. Re-hydrate. Every so often, reach for a few sips of alcohol to quench the thirst that’s threatening to do things to your throat.
  8. This should have been mentioned early but energy is of the essence. For extra energy, stuff down foods full of energy. Doodo. Chicken. Chips chaps.
  9. Take Viagra. If what people say is anything to go by, you’ll become very strong and you’ll effortlessly lift the all weights and the gym instructor.  Take a cold shower after.
  10. Carry your make-up stall to touch-up after.

TOP TEN: #stepstosurviveahorrormovie

Life is a movie.

Believe it.

You are living it right now. In fact look at the person next to you right now. That person isn’t really who you think they are. That person is an extra. Or maybe, you are the extra. THINK ABOUT IT!!!

Can you spell identity crisis?

Can you spell identity crisis?

Life usually alternates between romantic comedy, family drama, porno (depending), and on a few occasions during walk to work; action thriller.

But any time now; it might be tonight, it might be next week. But that time will come, your life WILL go into horror mode.

They say life screws everyone. It is inevitable. Life doesn’t play fair. It doesn’t wear a condom and it always comes inside. Maybe life is a Catholic, I don’t know, I didn’t make the rules. So leave me alone. All I am saying is; when the time comes you had best be ready.

And since I truly madly deeply care about you; allow me to present; ladies and gentlemen of the cast (a special mention to Lindsey K, Darlene V and Sam Whatthefuck Otea)

TOP TEN: what to keep in mind if you want to survive a horror movie.

1- MOOD AND SO FORTH:
“Keep an eye out for changes in mood”, as the father in law kindly advised the well meaning bridegroom when he married a cyclone. Danger it seems, needs a soundtrack. So, if you are there and a ka funny soundtrack starts playing, that stuff of tad um tad um tad um. I suggest you keep a lookout. Some stuff is about to go down and it’s going to be YOU going down. And I don’t mean that in a nice way.

 

I should also add that if the lights start flickering there is cause for worry. As we all know, UMEME is run by a bunch of serial killers.

2- IDENTITY
“It is important to know who you are”, as the pervy senior woman said to the conflicted teenager with lesbian tendencies, Therefore, If you are black guy or a good looking blonde, you are dead meat. Sorry. If you are a black guy who likes telling jokes or a good looking blonde in a skimpy denim skirt, you probably won’t even finish this article.
You could also try being an albino. I am yet to see an albino die in a horror movie. Those guys have shelf life.

3- PREPARATION
“Preparation is key”, as the stone-dry vagina curtly informed to the non-Cosmo reading teenager when he complained of blisters. So speaking of keys, are you sure you know how to use them? It really sucks to be at the door, freedom on the other side only to realize that you are now paying for refusing to attend that seminar on Keys, Keyholes and How They Can Save Your Life. Also, if you car doesn’t start it better have reinforced smash-proof windows.

4- Get high. Shout Wazzup. Works every-time. Nuff sed.

if you're happy and you know it say WaZZZZuP!!

5- VIGILANCE
“Check the back seat” as the slut informed her shaftmate when she was directing him to the box of condoms. Needless to say that particular slut survived. Serial killers have a soft spot for virgins, being virgins themselves in most cases. Therefore, if you aren’t a practitioner of NBM, I suggest you check the back seat every time.

6- SELF PRESERVATION
“Put yourself above everyone else” as the gangbang supervisor said to the chick who was letting then give it to her from all angles. firdt of all, kill the nosy chick  who wants to investigate. Then make sure everyone else showers first so they die before you do. Serial killers like showers (must be a If the person ahead of you doesn’t fall, push them so they can occupy the killer. Everyone knows killers find it hard to kill you if you are still on your feet.

7- THINGS TO AVOID
Avoid clowns, dolls; anything that reminds you of your childhood is bad luck. Otherwise you are going to wind up as a pair of shoes or a lampshade on someone’s desk. Avoid basements. Avoid stupid shit like going out to check if you REALLY run him over. Avoid videotapes. Watch youtube clips only.

8- LAST MINUTE LIFE SAVERS
If you wake up in a porcelain tub full of ice, don’t touch your side. That is how fools end up discovering that someone has just eaten their pancreas and stitched them up again. Be smart!

I almost forgot. In case of doubt, always listen to the audience. The audience knows best.

9- Don’t look in the mirror. DON’T! He is standing behind you. But if you have already looked, there is nothing to be done. Just. Close your eyes and walk out. He can’t do anything until you turn round to face him.

10- There will come a time when the killer (if you have survived this long) will feel the need to explain himself. Brag about how awesome and clever he is. This means that the director likes you and is rooting for you. So! Kill the bastard. shoot him, stab him. feed him to the elephants. Do whatever it is you have to do. This is your chance. And don’t forget to double tap. Otherwise you are going to end up in a sequel.

 

Top Ten: On this Day…

Today is the 4th day of the month of October. October 4 is the 277th day of the year (278th in leap years) in the Gregorian calendar. There are 88 days remaining until the end of the year.
I did research you see.
And that wasn’t the end; I went and did even more research on the great and historical things that have happened on this fine day. Then I put them through a kajejena and came up the top ten.

Why you might ask? Because dear friend, it is time for…..
Drum roll

No, go back and do it properly.
Drumrolllll,

that’s better…
Time fooor,
The top ten bestest things that have happened on this day in world history.

1- 12000 BC.: God says bannage am bored. Oba let there be light? Contrary to current rumors, he asked first. He didn’t just command, God is after all, a gentleman.

2- A Tyranosaurus Rex jerks off. The first recorded case of masturbation in un-recorded history. The fossilized stuff is dug up several millennia later and is used to make shirt buttons. You are currently wearing them.

3- 9000 BC, the first blunt is smoked. Early man bees like where has this stuff been all along? He decides to build a Tower of Babel to heaven. It seems like a good idea at the time.

4- 1795 AD – Napoleon Bonaparte first rises to national prominence with a “Whiff of Grapeshot”. His whiff is still stinking up A Level History classes to this day. Thanks a lot Napoleon. But on second though it could have been worse. It could have been the Whiff of Ass-Gas. I’d have had to do Physics.

5- 1957 AD Launch of Sputnik I, the first artificial satellite to orbit the Earth. Aliens are discovered to be real and living amongst us. Contrary to all expectations, they are not green or gray, but… maroon.

6- 2011: Gilbert Bukenya eats his first bean weevil in decades. Which is sad because he is a likeable old man.

7- An Urban Legend writes about Gilbert Bukenya eating his first bean weevil.

8- 2056: The first intergalactic porno is released, breaking all box office records in this universe and several others.

9- 2192: Apple buys the planet and using highly specialized technology, turns its shape into that of an apple as an advertising gimmick for travelling space invaders.

 

As seen by a space invader.

10- 3000: The internet becomes real life and real life becomes the internet. The Illuminati bring Jesus back and the world ends.

TOP TEN: the chweetest cuddliest cutetest most ooochie woochiest pets.

As you might know, there is no way that a man can live alone in this harsh cold cwuel cwuel world. So God was there in all his wisdom. After a nonchalant suck on his lollipop, he said something, and what he said was something like; “human beings should have pets”, and the matter was finished. And human beings were like OhMyGod God! You are like so totally awesome! We should so have pets! We can cuddle em and snuggle them and stiffle them and do all sorts of warm furry Punky Brewsty things to them!!

 

Coz we so full of clean good punky fun!!! Yeah!!!

But what if your taste is for the macabre, what if your idea of stimulating evening companionship isn’t a cheery parrot or a loving dog? What if instead it is Lady Gaga you want chained to your bedpost with a bone in her jaws? Should you be marginalized?
I think not.

Presenting; the top ten what if pets for the mentally unbalanced.

1- Jimmy The Daddy Long Legs. Upside is that, this is a pet with personality. Yep, he has grace, he slouches like a gangster, and the best thing is, he can provide you with much needed amusement on those cold Saturday evenings when you need too pull the legs of of something.

Daddy, Daddy Cool...

The Downside is; he is completely composed of dust.

2- Alvin the Kakarabanda. The Mukarabanda (I use the prefix “Ka” because experts advise to start training them as soon as they hatch) is a dark skinned three legged pimp who wears high heeled shoes and likes prancing in dormitories after dark. Upside is he doesn’t need feeding. He feeds on those worn out kyangwes that always seemed to vanish in the dorm. Downside is that he looks like a Sudanese Michael Jackson.

3- Sergio the Boa Constrictor. Impressive creature, magnificent proportions. All muscle and no measurable IQ whatsoever. Upside is that he is a very handy pet. Soon as the landlady comes poking around… Ka Cha!! And its Bye Bye landlady. Downside is that he doesn’t do much, just sits around all day. (He is one of those guys who think size is everything.)

4- Dipsy the Telle-tubby: Upside, he is real nigga, wears cool lime-green velvet and can he dance! Downside, he has an erection coming out of his head.

I was born with a dick in my brain, yeah fucked in the head

Please sit down Mr. Mathers,  You’ve done quiet enough damage already.

5- The Gimp from Pulp Fiction: He was in the Pet Shop. I wasn’t sure if he was a pet or one of the staff. Cool guy, we chatted for a while.

No Caption; Please Continue and Enjoy your read!! ULK

6- John D the Pig. Downside, None. Johnny is a completely charming fellow Upside; when he dies you can eat him.

7-Zaina Nabukenya: A Miss Uganda Contestant: Downside, she doesn’t eat ffene. (What sacrilege). Upside; when she is well and nicely dead, you can cut off her head and mount her against the wall. Click here for picture of well mounted young female. WARNING: Parental Discretion is advised.

8- A Tree Stump. Cheap and easy to maintain. Trees are considered to be wise, so like if you cut off the head of the tree, Common-sense which is not common…. wait no that wont work. I wanted to bitterly satirize the tomfoolery of our Government on this Mabira thing. But the Pilau they brought at lunch had no beef.

9- Einstein the Human Brain. In a glass jar full of formaldehyde, the human brain (preferably someone else’s) makes an excellent pet. Upside, quiet, unobtrusive. Just there listening to its Don Moen and minding its own business. Downside: You can never trust it.  It has a mind of its own.

10- Chum-chum the Chimpazee. Think about how cool it is to have a pet chimp. It would be like time travel. Hanging out with your grand, grand, grand, grand, grand, grand, grand, grand, (a sec, need to catch my breath) grand, grand, grand, grand, grand, grand, father’s father. Upside, you get to provide a home for a soon to be homeless member of an endangered species, (P.O. Box What?, Mabira Forest? Address unknown, Please return to Sender)
Downside; Even if his IQ is higher than yours, you will never find out.

TOP TEN: Ey! You Are Too Diametrically Enhanced! (#politicalcorrectness)

Some people have made it by being overweight.
Case in point

Straka. with her head on fire

But usually it doesn’t work. As Africans we are tolerant to size etc. for a man, looking like you swallowed a small anthill is perfectly allowed. You are a capo and all that. For the women, walking with your butt cheeks in different constituencies, wow, goddamn, look at that ass!!
But sometimes you can take it too far. If any of these applies to you; you might need to, well, take it easy on the food.

1- You went for a blood transfusion, instead of blood in the plastic bag hanging above your bed, they found lipids.
2- You are taller lying down.
3- You are eating right now.
4- People ask you to move because they want to see the billboard behind you.
5- When the lights go out, you can hear the mosquitoes shouting, BUFFET!!
6- You fart and the fart gives up on the way out.
7- You are still eating.
8- You set off car alarms when you run.
9- You give chickens heart attacks.
10- You have to iron your clothes on the floor.