Category Archives: Promos

The Creation Story According To Ugandan Book Of Genesis

In the beginning God created Straka and she was a ninja.


And God looked at His creation and said, “Iyiii!” And He realized that there were pages missing from this creation story. And so He called Adam from the Garden of Eden and asked him, “Adam, come forth and explain how I created thee. I cannot find some pages.”

“I can’t, Father,” Adam replied. “I be naked as if.”

“Naked? How did thou know thou were naked?” God inquired, to which a strange shrill voice replied. “When we went for the village council meeting to debate the marriage bill, they laughed at us nti mbu that we were bukunya.”

Adam looked over at the source of the voice and barked, “They were asking me, silly. Stop tapping people’s kb. Aren’t you supposed to be cooking supper?”

Kko the voice, “Ye what’s your case also you? Power has gone off and me I don’t use charcoal stoves. My nails.”

“Adam, who art thou?” asked God.

“This chick!” Adam replied and turned to the voice. “Gwe Eva, come and greet The Creator.”

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I don’t deserve to be in your presence. I be naked as if.”

Disappointed, God looked at Adam. “Did thou eateth of the forbidden fruit?”

“No, Father! A whole me?!”

“Wamma I gave him some,” interjected Eve.

“Do you ever shut up? God, is it possible to get another wife? I want my second rib to bring forth Desire Luzinda. This one is a gold digger.”

“Shya! You also what do you have you?”

“Is this your garden, stupid?”

“Hey!” God intervened. “I asked you two a question. Did thou eateth of the forbidden fruit?”

“No, Father,” answered Adam. “It wasn’t a fruit. It was soda.”

“Yes, Father. It was soda,” added Eve.

“I told you she was a gold digger. She only agrees with me when we’re talking about food.”

“Please! You can’t even afford chips chicken from just here in Wandegeya.”

“That’s in the New Testament, dwanzie. We’re still in the Old Testament.”

“Hey!” God intervened again, and Adam continued.

“I’m sorry, Father. Like I said, it was soda and she’s the one who gave it to me. So you understand when I say I want a divorce. Desire Luzinda wouldn’t get me in problems like this.”

“Is this true, Eve?” asked God.

“Yes, Your Honour…”

“#Fail,” tweeted Adam.

“I mean Yes, Father. But this wasn’t the forbidden fruit. I swear upon the living God. They said it would free my fun side and me for me this man for him he bores me.”

“You also bore me. Why do you think I drank it? God, Desire Luzinda.”

“Which soda is this you speaketh of?” asked God.

Mirinda Green Apple,” replied Eve.



Now available gardenwide…

And so God asked Eve, “Why did you speak in bold italics?”

“She be’s local like that,” quipped Adam.

“You don’t change fonts when I’m talking to you. I’m disappointed in both of you.”

“Even me?” inquired Adam.

“She’s your wife. You share the blame.”

“My suffering will end the day I get Desire Luzinda’s phone number.”

“What’s a phone number?” asked Eve, confused.

“Google it.”

And so God cut their conversation short. “I hereby banish you both from the Garden of Eden. Go to Kampala!”


“Kampala. The land of suffering because the long public holiday is over and people are now back to work.”

“NOOOOOOO!” cried Adam in despair. “Please God, I’m can’t work! Look at me! I’m just a man!”

But God ignored his cries and continued, “…Kampala, the land of Green Apple and Desire Luzinda…”

“Okay we’re going.”

May God Uphold Thee

Pick And Play…


I look through the hand that’s been dealt.


They are shitty cards to be honest, but you know what they say about a bad workman and his tools. No, perv, not those tools.

The card lying on the table looks like it’s taunting me, like some pubescent nymphet goading an old man with erectile dysfunctions. I look through my cards again and then make a move. Almost instantly, the other player makes his move.


It’s a swift gesture that’s almost as unnerving as it is enriching to my deck. I have to pick 2 cards. I don’t even have the time to so much as whisper a prayer. Ask God to give me something sensible to work with despite my sporadic visits to His House.

The new recruits know they are not welcome and do well to stay to the side of the screen, as far away from the others as possible.

The other player doesn’t nag me, just waits for me to make a move. That’s probably the worst kind of opponent. There’s mystery in the unknown and it’s damn well unnerving. Should I throw an Ace at the stuck and make known my desire.

What’s to be lost?


Nothing apparently, because no sooner have I made a request than the guy at the other end asked me to pick two more cards.

The bastard.

These two also know better than to mingle with what they have found in place.  One of them seems to have some use, so not all is lost.

I’d be a fool not to notice that there’s a trend here. My deck of cards seem to have the desire to outnumber the ones on the table. That’s not the objective of the game and it’s imperative that I cut them down to size.

I throw a Jester at the cad on the other side and in quick succession dispatch a duo of 8s. I finish the onslaught with a King bedecked in flowers.

I sit back triumphantly. Where’s my mule, let me ride into a city. Let all and sundry know what I have done this day.

The moment is shortlived. The bastard ends the game abruptly. I stare at the 7 of flowers incredulously. Who the hell does this?

As I take this in, an announcement that I’ve lost rears it’s ugly head driving the point home with stars so pale, I’m reminded of empty eye sockets.


I don’t care that I’m playing a computer, a faceless nameless pariah that doesn’t even know how much grief he’s causing me.

All I know is that Kola Studio’s little gem has got me by the short and curlies and I will not give this game of Matatu the satisfaction of watching me retreat, whimpering in defeat.


For the thousands upon thousands that have discovered this crazy addiction, this may be a game. For me, this is war.

Visit the google play store and download a copy. Or get a double dose, play on Facebook as well.


If you want to engage in this massacre on your phone, you would do well to click here. If, however, you want to take it to the masses, to let all and sundry what you’re on about, then the facebook version is here. Forget picking up a pack of cards for your family’s amusement, this is not rock, paper, scissors.

I can only show you the path, the rest of the journey; you must take on your own.


Maybe you may fair better.

And if you’re to do just one thing for a fallen soldier, hit customize and choose the ULK theme.


Perhaps, just perhaps, we shall meet on the battlefield.

My Interview With James Bond

Thanks to Heineken, ULK was granted special permission to MI6 headquarters to talk to the man responsible for many brutal deaths, irresponsible fires and hazardous car chases that cost many governments lots of taxpayers’ money and yet look so freaking cool on screen.

ULK: Welcome, Dabbloseven. How are you?

007: Just fine, thank you.

ULK: Sorry?

007: I said I’m fine.

ULK: Please don’t do that. In Uganda we use “how are you” as a conversation starter. We don’t mean to actually know how you are doing, so when you answer you confuse me. Please don’t confuse me. Many people in Africa will die of hunger and diseases if I don’t do this interview properly.

007: Haha. You’re funny.

ULK: It’s okay. No need to apologise. Please introduce yourself.

007: Name’s James Bond, agent of…

ULK: Full name please.

007: That is my full name.

ULK: No it’s not.

007: Yes it is.

ULK: Boss, I’ve watched all your movies. Who are you going to believe, you or me? You always say “My name is Bond James Bond”. Aren’t you one of those people with dicotyledonous names like Simonpeter or Johnrambo or Chipolopolo?

007: Actually James Bond is my screen name, not my real name.

ULK: Speaking of, why did you abandon music for movies? Did Ladybird Books threaten to sue you for eating into their market?

007: I’ve never done music.

ULK: You’re not Craig David?

007: No, I’m Daniel Craig.

ULK: Now I understand why they asked you to change your name. Is there any agent there in MI6 who speaks Luganda?

007: No.

ULK: So none of you studied in Makerere?

007: Nope.

ULK: Then why are you people very violent? I swear every time I watch a James Bond movie you’re always beating up someone. The Bible preaches peace, you people.

007: It’s my job. When bad guys plan to do bad things, I have to stop them.

ULK: Then you call the police.

007: I am the police.

ULK: Which department? There’s no teargas in any of your movies.

007: No, I’m not the people’s police. I am the police’s police. I’m the guy they assign missions no other man can accomplish. I’m high up there at that level where hierarchy stops, looks up and says, “One day I’ll study hard and get there”.

ULK: But not above Bobi Wine surely.

007: Who?

ULK: You don’t know Bobi Wine?

007: No.

ULK: That’s strange. He owns a yacht. I’m even surprised he’s not the one doing the soundtrack for your new movie. Why did you choose Adele?

007: I don’t know why she was chosen really but if I were to guess, I’d say it’s because she can set fire to the rain. I need such people on my team.

ULK: You have a team?

007: Sure. Cool cars, death-defying stunts, hot girls, classic drinks…that’s my team.

ULK: I heard in your new movie, Skyfall, you changed your drink? Why?

007: When you go to a bar, do you normally ask for your drinks shaken or stirred?

ULK: I don’t care.

007: Exactly. I don’t want a drink that asks questions. I want a drink that makes a statement.


ULK: That sounded like an advert.

007: If you hadn’t put that picture there, it wouldn’t have.

ULK: You’re right.

007: I’m always right. I’m Bond. James Bond.

ULK: Yes, but you’re not Jennifer Musisi. Stop bragging. One last question. I heard you’re coming to Uganda before going to the rest of the world. Is this true?

007: Absolutely.

ULK: Have you ever eaten a rolex?

007: You eat watches?!

ULK: No! It’s you people who use food to tell the time. Before you come, please eat one. We’ll welcome you better.

007: Unfortunately, we don’t make them this side.

ULK: But you’re Bond James Bond. Beat up one of those bad men making weapons of mass destruction and tell them to make rolexes instead.


Monday Massacres: Things Every Superhero Should Have

Several times in your life, you feel a strange itch in your left pinkie. Whenever this happens, you usually look up from the pile of important documents you are signing and ask yourself, “Is this it? Was I meant to be more in life? Are my superhuman relatives trying to communicate with me using left pinkie Morse code? Am I supposed to fit into the awkward green spandex outfit I always find lying neatly in my laundry and bound from pothole to pothole, saving innocent people from imminent doom? Should it bother me that the outfit makes my junk look bizarre?”

The Pawpawman costume

We are here to bring a message from your super-human relatives. They say that when you finally make up your mind and squeeze into that outfit they go through great pains to sneak into your laundry every week, here are the items you’ll need to perform your duties as a superhero.

A cool phone

If you thought superheroes don’t own phones, you are on cheap drugs. Cool phones are useful in times when you’ve been in a very nasty fight with hoodlums and tied them up. You’ve then said in your most authoritative voice, “Afande, take them away!”

It then hits you how tired you are. If you are those broke superheroes without a car, like Spiderman, your ‘ride’ home involves you climbing from wall to wall (Chris Brown eh?).  Being tired presents a problem. You can’t skip from wall to wall when you are tired.

Presenting the cool phone. Pull it out and call Elias, your boda guy.  You can stop by Wandegeya for half-chips half-rice.


You won’t be able to call Elias if you have no airtime. And it doesn’t matter how many buildings you can leap over in a single bound; if you have no airtime, your phone won’t make a call. There is no super power to get round this yet…unless of course you can project your voice in which case everyone will hear you telling Elias to bring you chips byenda.

Cool car

But seriously, how effective will you be as a superhero if crime is going down somewhere and you are screaming instructions to Elias as he dodges potholes to get you to the crime scene? Get a car man.


While you kick a villain in the butt, drop a clever remark. Read ULK.

Okay, now that you have a costume somewhere in your house, you have to get the rest of the stuff from the Pepsi MotoMoto Facebook game. Just follow this link… to play and win Nokia Asha phones, airtime, Nissan X-trails, DStv decoders…those things of educated superheroes.

Now go try on that green spandex outfit and we see.


The World’s Most Famous Saves | Part One

“To be human is to err – Plagiarized by Sleek of and phone number +256 7RE-MOVED

It is because we err so much that it’s phenomenally big when a knight rides in on a white horse, unsheathes his sword, un-mounts his horse, whispers into its ear and asks it to run off to some place safe where it can graze and not expose its eyeballs to the grim stuff he’s going to do, then he walks over and saves us from the colossal ball-twist we’ve managed to err ourselves into.

These knights come in several forms. It can be that Boda Boda rider who breaks all rules and gets you to that super important exam in Kooki on time…

…or that radio presenter who speaks while a Rachel K song is playing, or that person who screams “nooooooo”, runs and pushes you out of the way just as a marabou stork attempts to shit on you, or that guy buddy of yours in friend zone who always comes in to act as your boyfriend when smelly boy you don’t like starts to act aroused around you.

The knights can also be like those of Arnold Schwarzenegger when he levels an entire village for standing between him and a chao, or Liam Neeson when his child is kidnapped, or UMEME when it notices that a cute lady has come over to your place and it knows your lack of game; so it goes away to help you grow some balls. Or when it notices that Straka is straining your 14” TV and it goes away.

Here on ULK we are all about recognizing knights. Saviours. Super saves. Today we focus on one super save in particular; you may know him as the bald American with Chinese eyes. Bruce Willis. In Armageddon, a movie based on real life incidents that we at ULK saw with our very own eyes, the world was going to be hit by a comet. Can you imagine the world was going to end? We wouldn’t have lived to see The Hostel.

So Bruce Willis, acting as himself, says “No way! No comet will hit this world as long as my head is still bald and my eyes still squinted!”

He goes to the comet. And (>>fast forward >>) he, using some super explosive available in all leading supermarkets in America, blows up the comet!!! SPOILER ALERT-Look away if you haven’t watched the movie

He dies. Can you imagine? How heroic is that eh? Super save. Super super save. He is probably in heaven reading this right now, his squinted eyes widening in amazement “How do these ULK niggz know so much and stay uber cool?”

We save. We’re the guys they call when Superman needs new underwear that he couldn’t get because he didn’t save with NSSF. Don’t be like Superman. Save with NSSF & you’ll get bigger benefits than just underwear.

Tales Of The Fund | Finale

This exciting, exhilarating, action-packed league of tales is brought to you by…

Crawl through this ventilator for Part Three: CRAWL.

And now Part Four…

Mothball lawyer is still yapping into the phone when El Fuego, who’d had a bug installed on the lawyer’s phone all those years ago, teeters into the room and their eyes lock. El Fuego’s lower lip quivers as he struggles to let out something menacing. He’s been out of the game for ages since he grew frail and senile. Lower lip quivering.


Like this.

“niberivbibtvpiybrt…”, he manages

He makes an attempt to lift his hand to thump his chest; victory – I’ve said some mean stuff that ought to scare twisted Mothball lawyer who owes me money.

Mothball lawyer is still in shock. WTH! Can’t a nigger catch a break? He pees on himself twice and attempts to do it a third time but the pee, it is finished.

He uses his hand to stop a shiver from running down his spine when he notices that El Fuego is struggling to stay on his feet. The scrawny figure is drooling, and his beady eyes seem to be lighting up, celebrating his own drool.

“So we meet again….M.O.T.H.B.A.L.L.S. lawyer….” El Fuego draws out the words, wincing with each

“…say hullo to my little friend…” he continues as he struggles to unzip

(Silhouette of a fat slob who can’t hold his bladder splashes on the screen. Turns out the movie was recorded in a cinema. Can I hear an ‘our money’?)

Tony Rutigliano, the new mu Lord who replaced El Fuego, and his goons walk in and fire some rapid Italian in El Fuego’s direction, almost felling the old man with their words. They then pull out nunchucks and …(Gruesome fight scenes last seen in Avengers deleted. PG 12. Think about Unicorns, pothole-free Kampala and cotton candy)

In Stato

Phone gets cut off. Simon stares at his phone.

In Ughee

Phone gets cut off. “Friggin (network name deleted)!”


Earth was over-run by aliens in 2015 and the two species have since then lived in harmony; mating, talking and living. The twins are both old and accomplished. And they retire.

Simon has tonkuba nakuyo money. Too much. He worked in Stato.

Kato him he has savings. Mob.

Simon parties hard…and one night, meets and hands all his lust to this girl from another continent. He also hands over his dime.

Kato lives happily-ever after with all his savings…waking up thrice a week to go swim in his dime. When the aliens destroyed earth, only NSSF stayed focused nalo!

Now Save & Stay Focused. Unless you want to be like Bad Black.


Inside Info About Robin Van Persie Of SuperSport

“This is my attempt at becoming a SuperSport Commentator. I know I have it in me, no matter what you think or say (Chuckle).” – Ernest Bazanye impostor.

Arsenal striker Robin Van Persie, also known as Soon-To-Be-Former-Arsenal-Striker Robin Van Persie is in a bar right now as you read this, fondling a warm beer with his left hand because all beer in the UK is served warm, and staring at a TV screen showing The Inbetweeners, a British version of The Hostel.

(We pause here to offer our congratulations to Hope and Gilo, who got kwanjulad over the weekend, and offer our condolences to Patra. As for Jessica, suck it, you conniving bitch.)


The hostel cast.

Van Persie is about to lose his job because, according to leading analysts, he jammed to join the team on their Asian games tour, particularly refusing to go to Malaysia. According to a twitter account, the reason he gave was “geen commentaar” which, according to our translator,  is Dutch for “Malaysia can kiss my ass. In fact, why stop there? Malaysia can slobber all over my designer boxers, Malaysia can drench them in drool, Malaysia can eat my shorts. Van Persie don’t give a dizzam.”

... and now i have said it

The full reasons for the foofaraw are not clear as yet, but our panel of expert sports analysts have compiled a list of leading candidates:

  1. The last time he was in Malaysia was nine months ago when he met a nice young lady (who just so happened to be a high-class call girl) and last week she changed her facebook profile picture to that of a newborn baby.
  2. He has watched Shaolin Soccer and is afraid of playing football against Asians.
  3. He has watched movies from Asia. Those DVDs of theirs? He is afraid that if he is in Malaysia when The Dark Knight Rises premiers he will be forced to watch it on camera copy, because he thinks even their cinemas show CCs.


Will he then be unemployed? Well, much like my situation when I left Chic magazine in 1999, there are many clubs vying for him, and even his boss Arsene Wenger (aka Soon-To-Be-Former boss Arsene Wenger) called him a “world class player”. Wenger made this statement two seconds after saying  “He is a world class wanker. What? Is this microphone on already? I meant…”

Unofficial reports say that negotiations to keep him at Arsenal were in advanced stages of deciding what item Van Persie can shove up what orifice and how far have not been confirmed or denied.

feel free to not use your imagination


Tales Of The Fund | Part Three

This exciting, exhilarating, action-packed league of tales is brought to you by…

Sneak through this window for Part Two: SNEAK.

Previously on Tales Of The Fund.

A woman died.

Her kids inherit a crazy dime.

A lawyer with the moral compass of a moth appears on the scene.

She gives birth to twins; Simon & Kato.

The aforementioned events did not occur in the laid out order… this is not that kind of story…

Leading to now;

One day, (one night, in Simon’s case due to different time zones), the twins receive a phone call. They pick up.

“Hullo”, crackles the voice on the other end.

“It’s mothball lawyer…

 And now Part Three…

“That’s impossible!”, Simon exclaims, looking at his phone in disbelief. He looks around to make sure that no one has picked up on this, failing to see a writer crouched in the corner, documenting this tale.

Kato, always the level headed one intervenes, “Simon, first of all, warrup. Secondly, it’s really him, his name flashed on my phone’s screen before we both answered..”

“It’s not that, meanwhile hi… but what network is he using that lets him holla at us at the same exact moment. That’s just…you know, as if, but not quite”

The mothball lawyer running out of time, and we are not limiting ourselves to the figurative expression, but also his credit, steps in, “boys! This is about that money I mentioned about two weeks ago. Back then you’d asked where it had come from…”

Simon pips up, “From mum. Some website that seems to have all the answers revealed that. So when do we get that cheddar?”

The mothball lawyer starts to shake his head in exasperation, then, remembering that no one can see him continues, “the purpose of this call is to inform you that your mum left some terms and conditions… you see, she wanted the best for the two of you, but she wanted you guys to be responsible grown ups. I’d like to say that I’ve spent all this time trying to investigate you guys, but honestly, I couldn’t be arsed…”

Your mother stipulated that you would have to take over a little outfit she set up and if after a stipulated amount of time, if you’ve successfully transformed it into a straight-laced no nonsense company, you’d come into your inheritance…”

This time it was Kato that excitedly chipped in, “In not so many words, you’re asking us to work for our money… like people do…”

Simon wasn’t having any of that, “Listen, isn’t there a stash somewhere that we can just take money from and move on…”

True to character, the mothball lawyer offers a solution, “Well, the workers do save their money with NSSF, so if we told them that we have a new fund…”

Simon, not really in touch with these things of here prods, “People save with someone other than themselves?”

“Bafunira wa?”

Kato stares at his phone as though it’s its fault that he shares the same genetic structure with the voice on the other side, “There are loads of benefits. In fact in loads of cases it makes a lot of sense. . .”

Simon cuts his brother short and in essence offers you the chance to win airtime…

*** *** ***

Why would you save with NSSF? Tell us & win 20k airtime. And don’t bore your friends, relatives and general comrades or they won’t like your answer. The answer with the most likes by 4pm Friday gets the airtime. Goodness! Who gives out things this easily?


Tales Of The Fund | Part Two

This exciting, exhilarating, action-packed league of tales is brought to you by…

Open this door for Part One: OPEN.

Previously on Tales Of The Fund.

  • A mother exists.
  • She produces twins, Simon & Kato.
  • She dies.
  • A mothball-looking lawyer tells the twins they’ve inherited 60M.
  • But how? From where? The tale continues?

And now Part Two…

Random girls doing mazina maganda while staring straight into the camera. Ushered out of view by two raging goats with red eyes running towards them

(Camera zooms out and then zooms in on a zit on someone’s nose. Camera stays there and moviegoers take bets on whose nose it is….)

(Camera zooms out and we see the face of the mothballed lawyer from part one of this horrific romantic comedy. As the more perceptive of you may have guessed, the nose also belongs to him.)

Mothball lawyer steadies his hand as he lifts a glass of water to his lips. His shoulders are hunched and he is weary.

2 hours earlier

(Shattering glass, loud accented voice) Mothball lawyer, I will be back for my money in 2 hours. You better have it if you know what’s good for you.

Mothball lawyer: (Pleading) I’ll have your money El Fuego. I just need more time. I’m handling this big inheritance for…

El Fuego:  2 hours…that’s it. 1.2. (Walks out like a drama queen, summons his goons to follow him)

2 hours later

The door’s kicked in. Mothball lawyer gets up, splatters the water he was attempting to sip and starts mumbling something. The goons are hard of hearing. They give him a phenomenal earth-shattering whooping that was last seen on screen when the Hulk faced off with Thumbelina. Mothball lawyer goes into a coma.

At the twins’ residence

The twins, in their Sunday best, sit and wait for mothball lawyer to show up and read to them the details of their recently-acquired wealth. Simon’s already picturing all the teachers he’ll go visit and tell them ‘Look who made it….muhahahaha. mulol’. He spends several minutes practicing his evil mulol in the mirror. He settles for a cross between a chicken cluck and a bleating goat gurgling water while being strangled.

3 hours later

Being stood up is a new concept the twins are starting to learn. Re-reading ‘Chic’ magazine has lost its appeal and the duo is now restless. Simon is dealing by playing hide-and-seek with the maid; Kato is enduring news on WBS.

1 week later

The twins have changed clothes a number of times and bathed almost as many times. Even though they both go about their usual teenage routines, they are each still waiting on the mothball lawyer, bored.

8 years later

Simon works with a top-secret organization outside countries and his job is to ask people who believe they’ve met aliens to look at a katorchi phone which emits light and erases their memory.

Kato works a drab 8-to-5 job in the rat race in Uganda.

One day, (one night, in Simon’s case due to different time zones), the twins receive a phone call. They pick up.

“Hullo”, crackles the voice on the other end.

“It’s mothball lawyer…”


Your catch:

Write your own version of a kickass ending to this story. The ending with the highest number of likes by 4pm Friday gets 40k airtime free just like that. NSSF doesn’t make you hassle when something belongs to you.


Tales Of The Fund | Part One

This exciting, exhilarating, action-packed league of tales is brought to you by…



We, the editorial chaps of ULK, do certify that to the best of our knowledge… you know what? Just be prepared for anything. Grab the popcorn.


Once upon a time not so long ago, like during Obote 2, a young maiden by the name of Jane was walking. This maiden was pure and perfect of heart, but with the best legs in the seven hills of Kampala; in fact her legs almost made it as a footnote in the P.3 Physics syllabus of that year.

As she walked along, she saw two hibiscus flowers on a bush. One was pretty and unassuming and as if bending down in a sideways manner. It was the kind of flower you automatically knew they would use to brew a nice detoxifying tea. The second was brash and ill-manneredly colored; surrounded with a mass of rambunctious bees.

The young lady stopped herself in mid stride and studied the flowers. In her mind, they made a beautiful picture, contrasting as they did two extremes. She thought to herself;

“Kale it would be like so cool if I had baby twins who were like that. One calm, sweet and serious… the other wild and crazy… hmm.”


At that point a chill came over her and caused goose bumps all over her arms. Scientists have since established that it was the winds of fate telling her that she had no idea what she was getting herself into.

Within a few weeks our heroine discovered she was pregnant with twins.

From birth, Simon and Kato were different, Kato was the more laid back guy; he was even born with swagg. Simon was a hotheaded guy with too much ruckus on his mind and nothing to do with it.

In nursery while Simon stole his friends’ gnuts and put Omo in their juice bottles; Kato was busy being cool. In Lower Primary while Simon refused to play sports with shorts and insisted on tug-of-warring in his birthday suit, Kato was mastering being cool. In P.5, while Simon was busy arguing with the teacher over the correct spelling of the word “SPELLING”, Kato was too cool to be bothered about being cool.

This is how they went on, and the first eighth or so of our movie is filled with a series of clips showing their first 18 years of life starring a series of bu-young chaps who look like what the main actor would look like if he was that age.

This state of affairs subsisted until their 18th birthday when their charming existence was thrown into disarray by the passing of their mother; Jane.

At the funeral they were approached by a mothball-looking lawyer who broke to them some startling news; they had inherited 60 squeaky clean million shillings.

“But how could that be?” asked Simon who, as ever, was more eager than he needed to be and thus couldn’t allow the punch line to unravel naturally.

Which is where you come in. Guess where the mysterious money came from and win 10 easy thousand shillings worth of airtime NOW NOW NOW!


To win:

  • Take as many guesses as you want, before 4pm today.
  • Write your answer in the comments section below and remember, no copying! We have big eyes. Besigye follows us on Twitter.
  • Everyone with the right answer wins free airtime at 4pm.

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Unfortunately, no one got the answer right.

The first clue is in the very first line. Jane exists in the days of Obote 2 and NSSF wasn’t founded until 1986. So the money didn’t come from NSSF. It’s like saying that the Bad Black baby is white.

The second (and most obvious) clue is right there in your face. You just can’t see it. The money came from Jane, the mother. Sometimes the most obvious things are not so obvious. Straka may actually not be fat. Maybe you just have a big TV. Or big eyes.

So you think you don’t need to save with NSSF? Think again. Big benefits await you. Tune in next week for BOOK TWO. This time we raise the stakes & the value of the prize.