Category Archives: Old News

Maria Kiwanuka Chats With Museveni. A Fly On The Wall Brings You The Convo

A few moons ago, President Museveni reshuffled cabinet. He basically meant, “I wear the pants in this country and every day I be’s reshuffling.” Old brooms were brought back to sleep some more.  Some accentuated brooms were shoved outside. It was surprising. These brooms swept in an accent and they swept our finances in the process. But these two had a brief chat the other day in some kafunda somewhere in Kulambiro. Our fly on the wall was there and it eavesdropped the whole conversation; here, in verbatim. It nodded its compound eyes at some point.

Museveni: Eh, Miria, you are here? Who told you about this place?

Kiwanuka: Misterrr Prrrezident, I always come here afterrr a laang day at work for kikalaayi. Been gaaad?

Museveni: Wangi? What’s ki..kikalaayi?

Kiwanuka: Hmm. Ask your new Minister of Animal Husbandry. Tonkooya!

Museveni: But..but Miria, there is ice in your voice. Bad day, huh?

Kiwanuka: Like you don’t read papers?

Museveni: Matter of fact, I do. You have a tape out, too? *Adjusts his hat*

Kiwanuka: Nah. I ain’t repearing myself. Ask your new minister of Information.

Museveni: Yesu! What wrong did I do now? Oh, wait, the cabinet reshuffle? Ah, that was a typo. Okay, it wasn’t, but you know..uhm, waiter!!

Kiwanuka: Carry on.

Museveni: Let me tell you what happened. That night, as I was drafting the new cabinet, I received a WhatsApp message from someone who told me to impeach you because you were all accents and my ministers always sleep throughout the budget reading. I said no. He said yes. I said no again. He said mbu nti yes. I rubbed you off. See, it wasn’t my fault. It was that guy’s fault. That snitch. That old moron. What do you take? Tusker Malt? Ah, these guys’ drinks are too expensive. Do you have some money on you?

Kiwanuka: Hmm. No. Ask your new Minister of Finance. Mstchewwww.

 

 

 

Of New Year Resolutions

Gen. Sejusa: My New Year resolution? Ah, let me see. I have quite a lot. I might re-change my name to something that evoke more fear. I might resume my letter writing if I land on the fool that stole my pen and my writing pads. How I miss them. Also, I might declare my intentions to get my jungle boots I used to own when we were still in the bush and run, not in the marathon, but for presidency. Don’t tell anyone yet. Will this get published?

Gen. Tinyefuza: Talk to Sejusa, silly. I am busy.

Zari: My New Year revolution? Haha. Kyoka mwe. Anyways, I want to dig deeper in the mines and, God willing, I will uproot gold, or copper..or carbohydrates. I have diamond so far. Also, this year, I plan to do more important things in life, like releasing a well-edited, worth the MBs, worth the eyes and time sex tape. Time of official release will be announced later. North Korea won’t stand in my way.

Nasser ‘Seya’ Ssebagala: My resolvement of this year is to first resign my advice I was giving it to the president. You see, I am a popular people. The president knows that. Even me, you see me, when I was the mayor and the people saw what I done, didn’t they? Let me tell you: that was shame, shame and a lot of shame because Desire, you saw the naked, not so? As her former mayor, I say no to that.

Amama Mbabazi: My New Year resolutions are quite a horde and if I let the cat out of the bag, I will be quoted wrongly which might go down badly. I don’t like that. Ask me the same question on 1st January 2016. I will be in a better position to tell you. I even lost my position as the Prime Minister even. I am not talking to press. Driver!

Loodi Meeya Erias Lukwago: I was greatly astonished and flabbergasted by my regrettable dismissal from office. It was hogwash and it was illegal. Jenny had absolutely no right to do that. Check in the Constitution. Tell the president to check chapter..ah, I have forgotten, but it is printed there. What was your question again?

Bebe Cool: Nothing will change. I will go ahead making a fool of myself. Gagamel ting this!

Bobi Wine: I can’t talk after Bebe Cool, mstchewwww. Busaaaabaaalaaa!!

Uganda Cranes: You know our thing.

Golola Moses: My New Year resolution is to still kick all the blooming flowers, smash all the anthers and stigma. I will get a little, skinny, rickety kickboxer from, this time round, Chad or Cambodia and kick his nuts. Then I will fall and crawl on the floor again. It’s my thing. Does the desert still have trees? I haven’t checked. But I promise to kick any tree there. I will look at Zari. Like this. Like this. And poof, something will be cast there, you know. I will use my mouth more. This year, I don’t want to be a joking subject, I will be a joke.

President Museveni: Do you still want raps? I might drop an album before 2016 comes. I might engage Kanye for a collabo. See, when we were still in the bush…Hold on: Besigye is calling.

On Desire Luzinda: What the president should do

A few moons ago, Uganda and other neighboring continents were awash with pictures of a naked frame purportedly thought to be belonging to Desire Luzinda. “Desire, who?” The people, after sniffing such good news, fell over themselves trying to grab hold of the pictures before Fr. Lokodo could wake up and snatch their phones. The naked pictures spread like wild fire across the country, jumping from phone to phone like grasshoppers.

However, by the time the pictures filtered through, the president’s social media accounts were rumored to have been hacked. I am sure the smart hacker extended his pudgy hands and hacked his WhatsApp as well and crossed all his blue ticks. That bastard! The president didn’t receive the pictures and was only given lugambo from his bigmouthed aide Tamale Mirundi, who only fed him sketchy information. But this is what the president should do to Desire Luzinda to reward her for her heroic, bold and developmental leap she took.

Send her for peace talks

Desire Luzinda, as witnessed in the undressed pictures, flashed a V-sign which signifies peace. The president, thus, should seize this opportunity and send Desire for peace talks to countries at war, say, in South Sudan where Machar and Kiir are plucking each other’s feathers. Ah, read the newspapers to know why they are fighting.

Naked truth

The president should task Desire Luzinda, because she was naked, to reveal the naked truth about the opposition’s agenda and how they currently go to work after abandoning walking to work. Do they crawl to work?

To clean her up

Because those were dirty pictures, the president should task KCCA and NWSC to clean her up and wash those dirty pictures so that investors can freely come into this country without being afraid of stains.

Use her on his posters

Desire Luzinda is a global icon, isn’t she? Okay, she is not. But still, she is widely known and loved in equal measure especially by the men faction of society that built shrines on her where they privately worshipped her meaty thighs. The president, to avoid falling flat on his back come 2016, he should use her on his posters to garner support. If I was president, I would first lock Janet in the kitchen before slapping those pictures on my posters.

She should cover opposition’s eyes

Desire Luzinda had some decency even when she posed for the Kodak moment (I just wanted to use the phrase ‘Kodak moment’). She covered her nipples with her palms. She is good at covering. Even if your eyes are as big as her butt, you couldn’t see her stiff nipples. So, the president should instead use her to cover the opposition’s eyes so that they lose vision for this country. Yes, especially Besigye’s beady eyes.

 

Nyumirwanyoooo…oh!!

 

 

WHERE ARE OUR GOATS!!: A Case Of Legislative Probing And Inquiring

 

The Parliament’s Public Accounts Committee is gearing up to unleash Satan’s very own Hell upon whoever is responsible for the disappearance of 30,000 thousand goats from The Presidential Goats Project, a poverty alleviation initiative that supplies goats to 100 plus farmers in Sembabule District. Or would, if the goats had had any visible offspring.

goat

Here is our transcript of the proceedings which haven’t happened yet as meticulously imagined by our keyboard reporter.
………………………………………

PAC OFFICIAL 1: Okay let’s get this started, send in the wretch. Let’s roast him.

Secretary sends in a shivering and sweaty clerk or archivist excavated from some unknown basement somewhere at the Ministry of Agriculture.

PAC OFFICIAL 1: Don’t you chaps at the Ministry know that our President’s vision includes the reduction of poverty through the multiplication of goats? Why are you obstructing the big man’s vision, why are you stopping the nation’s goats from enjoying regular sex?

Ministry of Agriculture Official: That is the farthest thing from our minds sir, personally nothing makes me happier than goats fckunig.

PAC OFFICIAL 2: Good, then if that is the case, are you secretly importing goat condoms and sneaking them on the goat penises?

Ministry of Agriculture Official: No.

PAC OFFICIAL 1: Are you fertilizing the grasses of Sembabule with crushed PilPlan Tablets?

Ministry of Agriculture Official: No Sir.

PAC OFFICIAL 2: So why has the Ministry neglected its responsibility? Is there perhaps something you are hiding from us? Maybe goats?

Ministry of Agriculture Official:I don’t know sir.

PAC OFFICIAL 3: (removing his spectacles with a heavy sigh) : at this juncture, I propose we initiate Legislative Protocol #42 For The Punishment of Wayward Government Officials.
…………

Gentlemen, I say it’s time to probe this fool.

The motion is unanimously carried. The sacrificial lamb from the Ministry is taken to the probe room.

 

The less that is said of what happens there the better.

The less that is said of what happens there the better.

PAC OFFICIAL 1: Send in the next witness

Secretary ushers in matronly looking goat. The goat jumps straight into the proceedings, doesn’t even wait to be sworn in.

GOAT: (very abrupt) Trucks. Took Billy and Ssedume and the others.

PAC OFFICIAL 2: Madam, we just want you to know that that we are on your side, relax, we aren’t going to eat you. Can you tell us where all the young goats have been going?

GOAT: (brusquely) Eaten. As if funds.

PAC OFFCIAL 3: How exactly?

GOAT: Kachumbari. Salt. Also Avocado.

PAC OFFCIAL 1: Could you please be a bit more elaborate, do you want to tell us how this came to be? At this moment the internet is frothing with goat jokes and tweets and what have you, the people of Uganda are with you.

GOAT: Grievous bodily harm. (a fat tear slides down her face) Swaibu said a prayer.

PAC Official 1: are you comprehending any of this? (to PAC Official 3 who shakes his head.)

GOAT: (losing patience) THE GOATS ARE IN YOUR STOMACHS!!  YOU UGANDANS ATE THEM!! THEY ARE OLD NEWS BY NOW!

……………………………..

Old News: Roadkill

I killed in Self Defense
By Leading Tabloid.

SETTING: Residence of Aronda Nyakairima, Chief of Defense Forces. He is seated on the veranda sipping chai mukalu and eating binyebwa from a saucer. He is reading a newspaper.

AN: kale this chap Golola! I hear he looked at the Uganda flag and the Crested Crane flew away! (Delicately wipes a tear from his eyes)
Enter driver’s wife carrying more binyebwa. Replenishes the saucer. Stands around idling waiting to be noticed. Aronda ignores with determination and vigor. She insists. Just stands there with a mulish look.
He sighs

AN: Permission to speak granted.

Driver’s Wife: Kale let me tell you my husband killed those people yes but they were only two. As a long serving cadre and friend of the NRM serving diligently in his road block evasion and traffic jam causing capacities at least can’t they pretend that he didn’t kill? Really boss, they were just two!!

AN: First of all, breathe.
She breathes

AN: Now Beatrice, this is your fault. Is it not?
She nods sullenly

AN: I warned you about beating your husband like that, did I not?
She nods again

AN: You used to beat your husband, one of the most aggressive, most fearless traffic weavers we have in the force, but you used to beat him. You also used to add yeast to his porridge so that the gas would make him fart. Then you would beat him for farting. Remember?
Nods

AN: Frustrations Beatrice, frustrations. Ever heard of misplaced aggression?
Nods

AN: Good. (Hands her the saucer) more binyebwa please, I need my Vitamin Z. And stop that confounded nodding, you look like a monitor lizard.

Drivers Wife: Boss if you want Vitamin Z you can just go to Jajja Millicentinho the Fourth, he gives two erections for the price of one but the offer lasts only until 13th.

AN: What in God’s name is a Jajja Millicentinho? And what happened to the first three?

Drivers Wife: Aphrodisiac overdose.

AN: Eh! Beatrice, don’t you know that there are people reading this article? Do you want people to think that I have those problems of weak men? Wama dear ULK readers, those are not the vitamins I mean. Now the article is about to end but before it does; don’t forget to go for Youth Fest8th to 9th July at Kololo Airstrip. Before its Old news.

OLD News: The Prefectorate

I have a Hole… By Leading Tabloid

<SETTING: Office of the Head-boy. Enter teary-eyed girl>

Head-Boy: Eh! Spesh! What are you doing here? And what is that you are wearing?

Teary-Eyes: It’s the… it’s the…

Head-Boy: Is it the sack? How come? Who did this to you?

Teary-Eyes: That ka new prefect of yours is bisturbing me. Now all the other pupils are going to laugh at me that I am wearing the sack. (Wails. Tears fly like confetti)

Head-Boy: (Righteously outraged) What did she say you did?

Teary-Eyes: She said thatiee thatee, I was being doing bad manners and thatee, thatee I stole. Me! A whole me! A former Head girl!

Head-Boy: That what did you steal?

Teary-Eyes: I hear two billion. But I swear I didn’t steal it. That girl is just jealous of my romantic eyes. Just because she is a prefect now she wants to pose on me? Tshaaa! Tell her I went to Harvard. Tell her you are the only one who can make me wear a sack. Me how can you say I stolen? I have never stolen.
(Headboy makes non committal grunt. Reaches for a Haco ruler and starts rubbing them against his fore-arms)

Teary-Eyes: (Arms akimbo. A formidable sight)Anha! What are you going to do?

Head-Boy: (After a heavy pause) Thoz are yowaz.
(Starts humming. Runs out suddenly)

Teary-Eyes: (shocked) Kyoka this boy can be bold!

………………………………………………………..

(Enter Minister for Disciplinary Affairs)

MDA: Eh Spesh! (He stands in the doorway looking awkward. Spesh is kwe-molling.)

Teary-Eyes: Hi John.

MDA: (gruffly) Maria is looking for you; they want you in the staffroom. Where did you put the 2 billion?

Teary-Eyes: Naawe John! Of course I put it in my hole! Didn’t you know that I have a hole!

MDA: True. In fact I shall use my thing to get there.

……………………………………………………

(Enter former deputy Head-boy. Cheers and applause from the audience. He is a well known and much loved actor on this stage.)

GB: Eh Spesh! why are you wearing the sack! they caught you doing bad manners? Anyway,  I have a nice piece of Mahogany I found in the playground. Those guys in the staffroom may say I stole it. Spesh, Can I keep my Mahogany in your hole?

Teary-Eyes: Err… Err… I don’t know if there is space.

GB: But I was near the kitchens and Kamulali said you have a mega hole. What are you keeping in there, a valley dam or something?

Teary-Eyes: (snorting) don’t tell me those things of valley dam. That’s old news by now.

OLD NEWS: In Good Health

Health Ministry Loses Sh600m Meant For Drugs
By Leading Daily

SETTING: Dilapidated office. The Minister of Health sits in a large armchair. He is having a quick lunch of fingernails and saliva. Enter office minion.

Minion: you wanted me?

Health Minister: (nervously) did you find the 600 million?

Minion: Boss, I checked everywhere, under the couch, behind the plastic potted plants, inside the tea-girls bra, everywhere!

Health Minister: yeah… about the tea- girls bra, I had already checked. Whew! So now what! Check the baby, maybe the baby ate it.

Minion: Impossible! By then the tea-girls had already eaten the baby…

Health Minister: (jaw dropping in shock) WHAT-IN-THE…

Minion: (Apologetically) Zombieland was showing, and they were kind of hungry. (Confidentially) and anyway Boss, sumbis are now 600 at the kiosk.

Health Minister: (sighing) what to do. It can’t be helped. So now, this money was for yellow fever vaccination. People may get yellow fever. What do we do when all of a sudden; Kitgum is littered with yellow people looking…

Minion: (cutting in seamlessly)…like badly fried grasshoppers.

Health Minister: Nice one! Damn! You have to fist bump that one. You just have to.

Minion: (modestly) thank you.

(They fist bump)

Health Minister: We still have this problem, though what if we…

Minion: (excited) Call MTN! Those guys are always into those yellow yellow things.

Health Minister: (also excited) So true. Atte those guys are homeboys; those boys can hook a government up. Yes sireee!

Minion: Wabula we are sorted! Oba what will those boys do?

Health Minister: Who knows, those boys are creative!! Have you seen the Mobile Money commercial? Brilliant! Who would have thought of that?

Minion: to be honest, I might have thought of that… or something like that.

Health Minister: Hmmm, we might need a backup.

(Thoughtful pause)

Minion: I am still curious, where did the money go? Because I didn’t take it, did you take it?

Health Minister: Waaa.

Health Minister: Kale we are here but the money might show up somewhere so innocent.

Minion: like at UBC

Health Minister: or in the presidential jet.

Minion: Come on, thats old news by now.