I was under the impression that Nigerian scammers had collectively decided to put my email address in an envelope and stick said envelope up a camel’s arse. The message here would be that they are not without a sense of humour and would see that as fair retaliation to me constantly responding with “I don’t give a shit” whenever a new despot was killed and had money lying around looking for a new home. “Now you gon give a shit-oh”
In not so many words, what I’m trying to relay here is that 2Face’s cousins managed to retrieve my email address, no doubt, from some carcass lying in a desert some place and thought now would be a good time for some random widow to ask me whether my bank account needed company.
FROM DENNIS AND GLORY KABBA.
REPUBLIC OF COTE-D’IVOIRE
We are Dennis and Glory the children of Late General Ernest Kabba the
former Director of military intelligence and special acting General
Manager of the Sierra Leone Diamond mining cooperation( SLDMC ).
You’d sorta think that kids belonging to such an affluent family would have invested in separate email addresses, but what do I know? I’ve never been to Cote-D’Ivoire, for all I care there’s a one email address per family thing going on and I have no business making fun of the situation.
We are contacting you to seek your good assistance to transfer and invest USD
14.5 million U.S dollars belonging to our late father which is deposited
in a bank here in Abidjan.
Wouldn’t it, and this is just me guessing, I’m not a financial analyst, so this could be way off… but wouldn’t it make more sense for you guys to take some of that money to an internet café and ask the attendant to open up a new account for whichever one of you seems to be dealing with dependency issues. Actually, before you do that, you may want to pay someone to falsify documents so that you don’t share the same last name and can effectively avoid breaking the law…
This money is revenues from solid minerals and diamonds sales which were
under my fathers possession before the civil war broke out. Following the
break out of the war, almost all government offices,cooperations and
parastatals were attacked and vandalized.
Revenues? Come on you guys, with a dad that loaded, surely at least one of you could have gone to school. . .or bought a dictionary. Also, you guys think you have it tough, there’s a family in Libya that had the patriarch killed, gutted, beaten, probed by a gun… not necessarily in that order. At least all you guys have had to endure are a couple of vandalized offices. Suck it up.
Regrettably, our father was captured and murdered along with his brother in cool blood…
….during a mid-night rebel shoot-out when our official residence in Freetown
was ambushed by Fordey Sanko the notorious rebel leader. Our mother
sustained very sever bullet injuries which resulted to her untimely and
painful death in a private hospital here in Ivory Coast.
I’m sorry for you and I’m gonna let you finish, but which heartless bastard had the nerve to actually look at the time this shoot out took place? How exactly does this work?
“It’s Midnight and your Daddy and uncle have been killed… in cool blood. We now return to the new song by Jay Z and Kanye West.”
Actually, I’ll even let the whole “cool blood” thing slide. Everybody knows that Africa’s hot as **** so we are unfamiliar with the whole concept of ‘cold blood’. We also live in trees, but that’s a story for some other time.
Now we are alone in a totally strange country without parents, relatives
or any body to care for us at our tender ages.
Now you’re just being modest. You’re clearly old enough to use the internet. . . and record the time of death of your loved ones. That makes you legal…and heartless…but mostly legal.
Before our mother died, she
told us that our father deposited some money which he made from diamond
sales and contracts in a bank here in Ivory Coast and that we should pray
and find a trust worthy foreign business partner who would help us to
transfer and invest this money in profitable business venture overseas.
She told us to do this quickly so that we can leave Ivory Coast and then
settle down abroad.
Hehe, and you chose Uganda… instead of the land of milk and honey, you picked darkness and no sugar. Your mum would be so proud.
My mother died after wards. May her spirit rest in perfect peace.
Crap. I can’t catch a break, can I…
Some spiel about approaching a bank Manager in these harsh times who is game with transferring the money to wherever it wants to go… but there’s a catch;
However, the manager is very concerned because of
our age, and advised that we should look for a matured person that will
represent me at the bank.
What the hell… you don’t know me like that. I’m not THAT mature. May be I don’t want to help you anymore.
Please note that we will offer you 10% of the total money as
compensation for your noble assistance in accordance with my mothers
Wait… is it too late for me to pray that your mum rests in peace. Coz I mean it, Bless her heart! Now, let’s talk money…
Please there is urgent need for the money to be transferred to your
account because of the political crises they are having in Cote d’Ivoire
You certainly chose the right place then. All we have is loadshedding riots, walk to work riots, riots for the sake of riots and The Onion.
I am interested in any profitable commercial venture which you
consider very good in your country
Crikey, what luck. I think I could set up something in real estate and then… I mean, WE… we could set something up in real estate and make lots of crazy sick money. I’m talking so sick, you won’t know what to do with it. We could make it rain in nightclubs, buy people cars, get boob jobs. I’m telling you dude and dude’s sister, these are the big leagues.
Please for the security of I and my sister here, keep this transaction
Yes, yes. I agree. Let’s keep this stuff on the low. Using aliases is important. In fact, going forward, just call me Bad Black….