Category Archives: Newsworthy

In the news this month…

Much to my consternation, the year is still young and as such it’s making stuff up as it slowly trudges along. Unfortunately, in the process, a lot of the stuff it’s chucking out at us happens to be a rehash of stuff we have seen or experienced before. On the plus side, we can sort of predict what’s to come… using algorithms, a mysterious dusty book from way back when and time travel. Here’s what you can bet will be in the news this month.

Another batch of nudies or sex tapes.

Musicians have been tackled, so have TV presenters, it’s only fitting that the nasties scale the walls of politics and claim a representative of the people. I’m not a gambling man, but I think the first prominent member to rear his head in your WhatsApp thread is going to be a former mayor. What will make it disturbing is the fact that you will not know whether you should laugh or be disgusted…or sorry. This cocktail of confusion will give way to…

An apology for the sex tapes…

For whatever reason, people have developed an annoying tendency to apologise for their leaks… Zari too, and if you watched her video, you would understand why it doesn’t make sense that she issued a statement. Issuing data refunds would have been more effective as would putting her back in to it next time, but I digress. The lead star in the new video will be despondent and say he is sorry that his “private parts are now in pubic”. We will laugh at how hysterical it is that he can not pronounce the word PUBLIC, but out mirth will quickly give way to anger as soon as…

The police will order a probe in to this new sex tape….

Which doesn’t make sense when you think about it. If you’re reading this, you are probably contributing to their salaries through some tax or other, however you have to ask yourself, why are they detaining people for more than 10 minutes under the pretext of questioning. Come on, how much time do you really need to ask a suspect whether that’s them appearing in the video/picture posing with a tin of doom saying, “you’ve been dirty, I’m the cleaner”.

I imagine out of the embarrassment, the accused will rush in with a full blown statement printed out in Times New Roman, double spaced and with a passport photo attached. Even if the interrogation went thus, “is that you? Are you sure? Are you reallllly sure?” It would be a miracle if it went beyond an hour…. And that’s factoring in the request that the person in question pose for selfies with some random traffic cop. What you really should be paying attention to is…

Another cabinet reshuffle…

In case you missed it, the president of the republic engaged his cabinet in a game of musical chairs at the end of last month… it was particularly interesting because it soon became apparent that the people in the game had no idea they were in a game and from subsequent interviews, it was evident that the president was not playing. It might have been that my WhatsApp message was truncated and as such I didn’t get the full list, but I imagine it’s only a matter of time before another seat is removed and some hapless individual has to face the music… but these things are not too bad. There’s always . . .

Jennifer’s body

KCCA has made it clear that they mean business and have gone around closing establishments that are unhealthy, breaking buildings and threatening to arrest boda boda riders who fart while their customers are on the phone… Alright, I may have imagined that last one, but the point is, the Executive Director is on a mission to prove she means business… Unfortunately the road to my place is not aware of this and still goes on to rape the tyres of cars and devour those of boda bodas in a sadistic ritual involving its children, the potholes…If you think that’s contrived, wait till you get a load of…

The Next Telenovella

Beneath The Lies gave our celebrities something to do (for those that could actually act, anyway) but NTV (also known as the TV station that hosts Fabiola’s hips) has struck gold with their latest idea. Simply put, it takes that feeling you get when you’re watching a show and thinking, “I’ve seen this before….” And shouts at you, “heck yeah! We just made it local”. Basically they are taking one of those Hispanic soaps with a tacky name such as, “The Wind Beneath The Flower of Death in The Valley” in the English language and something in Spanish that sounds poetic enough to make you want to have unprotected sex with it in poor lighting, apology letter in tow…. shit, that sentence went on for too long…

Right, so basically NTV has taken a show and decided to make it UGANDAN. This is a smart strategy for a number of reasons. For one thing there’s the digital migration nonsense that will see an uptick in local content, but why I think it is a clever move is this…. While The Hostel may come under scrutiny for poor acting, this new show will know it’s on the right track when people deride its stars for not looking genuine.

 

Sex And The univerCITY; A Campuser’s Diary

Dear diary,

I have come to you in my darkest hour because if I go to the internet, it may leak like that sex tape everyone is talking about. Funny thing about that incident, the only thing that leaked was the tape. I don’t know if anyone else noticed that… even the tap water was not flowing. Kyoka campusers. LOL {Lots of Libido}.

Anyway, me I’m not amused, as in, what was up with the soaping action? I’m surprised Sempa hasn’t come out to decry the potential sodomy that was there. Wabula, people can be dry, at least in prison movies they fast wait for you to drop the soap. This guy didn’t want to wait. Naye I get where he was coming from, campus can be hard. You get?

As in, coming…hard… I wonder what soap he used.

I think Lifebuoy is the one they usually use for such dodgy acts, but I don’t think he would have been able to sustain his attention with the smell of that soap. Munange diary, I remember those days of Lifebuoy. The thing would even stain your hands. Kale he should have just used Geisha, he would have lasted longer, oba.

But campusers can also be competitive. Not in class, obviously, but outside…or inside, depending on how you look at it. Kati guys are saying there are 400 more sex tapes that leaked. None of them is from that ka-boy Chris Thomas which sucks. Me when I skive classes on campus it is to watch movies, not to star in them. Things can change.

But you know what, I think maybe I am speaking from a place of beef. I think if I had a smartphone I would have also experimented. But I can imagine already…

o—.___      o–.

o—‘—      o—`—

 

o                 o

/__o              /

_// <\          ___/__o

‘               ”

 

o             o

X               \

__//__o          o–\_=

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o          o

o_/\/___      o__\/\__

‘                  `

 

 

o o            o o

\|_           _\|

/TT \         //TT

 

 

 

o____            o o

o—.\__          \|

\__`         /|

`         \|

 

| |

\o/        __

|          _\o__o

/o\       _|

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o

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_( |

 

Eh, but that can chew my airtime mob, but at least it won’t leak in the papers or facebook. But who would recognise me anyway? Zerros can overtie on me though. It’s like that time I jumped the wall. Fithe was on my fresh, mbu I had climbed the wall. I told him to prove it and he pointed at my freshly broken hand. I was in pain, but I convinced him it was April Fool’s. Kyoka Old timers!

But how did they convince that chick also them? Oba what’s the going rate? She didn’t even look high, but the way she just bent over, proper pro just! I think she has been to prison before, no one bends with such gas without experiencing the penile code… oba is that supposed to be the penal code. Kasta it’s a code of some sort.

Naye now, this other dude who was filming them, is he bisexual? How can he conc be there looking at his peeps. Atte in clothes. At least he would have lied mbu he will join them in a bit, then, when they are not looking, he screams that soap has entered his eyes. Then, when the pals are there telling him mbu, sorry, what, he would have said to the guy, me I’m easy, now even you enter her eye. Vibing 101.

–          A Campuser

 

PSA: Ask Not What Buganda Can Do For You…

We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming for this kalango.

The official way of looking at it…

Oct 2013: Kabaka of Buganda commissions the MTN Uganda Mobile Money collection platform for the Buganda Kingdom development initiatives

Our take:

Welcome to another exciting edition of WHO WANTS TO SPONSOR A MONARCHY? I see you scratching your head wondering, ‘another’? That’s right, another, this is that exciting event that’s got the whole world doing a little something for their royal family. The UK is still collecting facial expressions for the queen mother and as we write this, they are first approaching smiles. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, SMILES.

But this craze is not just in bulaya. Walahi, even here next door, the wonderful albeit clothes deficient people of Swaziland are still breeding beautiful young girls for the king to pick whenever he feels like it. The government is getting involved too; they have banned the importation of bras into the South African country. And men are getting in on the action. Last we heard, there has been a resurgence in the use of the popular pick up line, “let me introduce you to a friend that will treat you like a princess”.

So where do you come in? It’s simple, Uganda, like most countries that are NOT Russia, has kingdoms. And like most kingdoms, that are NOT America, these are headed by a king or queen…or a tree. The wonderful people at MTN have made it easy for you to help the Kabaka go about his development initiatives. Oh, and here’s the best part, you won’t even have to vacate your seat. You just need to whip out your phone, go to the Mobile Money menu and send your contribution to help with developing the place.

You know how you keep looking at kids, wondering what they are taught these days? Well, my friend, that little brown thing wearing glitter and denying that she stole your Long Island Ice Tea, could benefit from a school.

Think of it this way, if you buy her a drink in the club, or even hand her money, you’re corrupting her morals. Now you can look her in the eye and say, NO! I will put up with your shit no longer, I will send you to school and before she can roll said eye, whip out your phone and contribute to one of the Kabaka’s projects.

How about our crammy hideous horrible roads? While Jennifer is working on them, and putting together a carnival, you can do something about them too! Scroll back to that line about whipping out your phone and making a difference.

For more information on how you can do something, click here.

UPDATE

We may have gone overboard with the whole school kid thing…

Speaking to his subjects, Kabaka Mutebi pointed out three major projects that are in need of development including; re-building of the Masiro, renovation of the Bulange buildings and funds for the Bulungi Bwansi projects among several others. He urged the people of Buganda and well-wishers to embrace this innovation from MTN and donate generously towards the development of the Kingdom

…but that doesn’t mean you can go ahead and splash dime on those young úns willy nilly. They have to work for it. ..and leave first thing in the morning.

The Iryn Case: It Was All A Big Misunderstanding

Dear Iryn,

Baby, it’s so good to have you back. To see you back on home turf, on Ugandan soil, in the land where we made you, where we love you, where you can feel safe? That’s feels great. You can eat some katogo and mubisi and hoof and sing in that celestial voice of yours which everyone with satisfactory ears will agree is the most awesome voice since sonic vibrations first entered the stirrup hammer and anvil of human beings.

 

Chick you're just a drug yourself.

Your voice is just a drug itself.

 

I know it has been a tough experience for you while you were locked up in Japan for alleged drug trafficking and it can’t have been made easier by the fact that all these haters here were talking all that shit. I hear mbu you have been listening to too much Rick Ross and now you want to start slanging rocks internationally and be fly like a G6.

 

Eyo njaga

Eyo njaga

 

But me I always knew you were innocent. No, I’m not just saying that the way all these other stans say it. I really really knew you were innocent. It was all just a big misunderstanding.

You see, I told my guy to  put the drugs in the luggage of someone called Allan Mubiru. That is our usual guy. But you know Japanese and Ugandans share a weakness when it comes to the letters L and R so the fool heard his own things and put the stuff in the wrong bag.

I am really sorry for the inconvenience. I regret it even more than you would imagine because now that means my drugs are in police custody in Japan. That is a major loss for the business. Nobody regrets it more than me.

Except for a bunch of Japanese drug addicts who really need to get high but their score is in Tokyo PD lock up.

 

Love

The Kampala Kingpin

 

If Your Teacher Is A Drug Dealer

 

A news headline from the Monitor appeared on twitter yesterday, telling us of a schoolteacher who was on the run, apparently, after being caught dealing drugs. We did not click on the link, of course, out of the very logical and understandable fear that the true story would turn out to not be as awesome as the headline makes it sound. Instead we sat down and remembered our own school days. It was enough to compile this list of signs that your teacher is a drug dealer.

 

  • When he was scolding you and he asked, “What are you high or something?” He always ended it on an expectant note as if he wanted to add, “Would you like to be?”
  • What kind of village schoolteacher drives a BWM X5 with spinning wheels and wears a pure white leather Louis V pimp coat? Other teachers arrive at school on foot or, if they have been paid, by bodaboda. But this guy parks his X5 in the parking lot.
  • The vehicle is always full of brown chicks in stripper heels who call him “Dzaddzy”. They look like they are from a music video.

 

Staff parking lot

Staff parking lot

 

  • He knows a whole lot about Agric and Chem. And yet he is a CRE teacher.
  • He  listens to 50 Cent songs and takes notes. Like, “Hmmm. Baking soda, eh? Okay, so that’s how it’s done.”

 

Like his text book

Like as if a text book

 

  • He listens to Rick Ross songs and says, “Mssswch. Kiwani just.”
  • He was a simple, humble, down-to-earth guy until that day when he caught students watching Breaking Bad in the dorm and he confiscated the DVD then went to watch it himself. Since then he just changed. It got worse when he confiscated a copy of Weeds. Then when he got The Wire, it was over.
  • He began coming to class with a bandana like for Avon Barksdale even.

 

avon barksdale

Good morning, students.

 

  •  He is always being caught getting BJs from toothless vagrants, of either gender, in dark alleyways

 

 

Alcohol_1828595c

PLAN TO ARREST SOBER BAR PATRONS LEAKS

KAMPALA- Following the staggering revelation that the police intend to arrest drunken pedestrians is a report that plans are underway to apprehend people found sober in bars and pubs.

The move, an anonymous source said, is intended to curb the spike in smug texts being dispatched by designated drivers and people too broke to have a good time.

“We have noticed a worrying trend where individuals have taken to send messages to their friends with hangovers, berating them and chastising them for having what people have since resorted to calling ‘nice time’. What’s alarming is that some of these messages are sent as early as 9am before the hangover has even made its presence felt”.

phone

Understandably, members of the public have responded with considerable ire.

“This is a load of wolokoso. We have rights. If I can’t walk in to a bar and caress a bottle of flavoured mineral water, then what’s the point of even stepping out? If I wanted to be patrolled, I would have stayed in the dorm or gone for preps. They won’t knock the hustle, Swag for life!” said a would-be reveller.

The plan itself may pose even greater consequences with beggars already worried that they may have to lose their spots on the streets to the more privileged members of society attempting to evade the police.

Said one Streetsider, “Wabula eno fitina. Balabye nti tebasobola tuja mu Kampala eno, kati basazewo nti batekewo overpopulationi batulemesse. Birari fakini”. Attempts to have this translated have proven futile, but from what this reporter was able to piece together, the street dwellers feel that this is an attempt to use overpopulation to clean up the street and curb the burgeoning “Tap-Tap” business model that sees enterprising individuals paid for tapping on the windows of drivers and holding out their hands..

The flesh peddling industry has received the news with mixed reactions observing that while people are now afraid of going in to bars and there will certainly be a wider variety of prospective clientele to pick from, profit margins are going to dip now that their prospective customers will have full control of their faculties.

The furor over the initial announcement that pedestrians shall be arrested if found drunk hasn’t died down either, with some members of the public now devising means to have a good time without being found on the wrong side of the law.

drunko

“They think they have got us, but they are wrong. We shall overcome. As it stands, plans are underway to elevate house parties to full blown slumber parties,” a young man intimated, “The trick is usually finding a venue for these things, but we were lucky that right in the nick of time an offer to make use of his quarters was extended by a Mr. Mubiru…”.

A copy of the exclusive invitation that was extended did in fact seem legit, with the only condition being that this was ‘strictly an all-boys night with no slots for females.’ The text said that the only openings available were for ‘male members’. The abbreviation  “BYOB” has caused some confusion as there’s a line right next to it that indicates that ‘drinks will be provided in abundance’. By the time we went to press, our experts were still probing the significance of the ‘Blue Band’ iconography lining the bottom of the missive.

Members of the opposition are unusually guarded about offering an opinion on the matter. “I could be wrong, but I suspect that since they keep failing to catch me among the walk to work people, they have devised this as a ploy to arrest me,” offered a one Kenneth Lukyamuzi, “I’m moving with calculated steps in the time being, but as soon as the election fracas next door dies down, I intend to go over and have high-level talks with my ally for an independent view on things…”

The police have refused to relent with a spokesperson saying that they are still committed to preserving the lives of the citizens, “We are going to look after the wanainchi even if for them they don’t want. We have started with these ones who drink alcohol, but shall soon be cracking down on even those who try to bypass us by chasing sugar rushes. In fact as we speak right now, we are monitoring nursery schools so we can nip it in the bud….”.

IMG Credit : sparkyraygun.wordpress.com

IMG Credit : sparkyraygun.wordpress.com

Kenya Decided: Updates All Day, Baby. Update Your Bundle

 3:39pm

The number of rejected votes is scary.  BBC says mbu:

More than 250,000 spoiled ballots have been counted so far, the IEBC noted with concern – double the number of votes cast for the third-placed candidate, Musailia Mudavadi, who trailed far behind with just over 130,000 votes, or 3%.

Musalai

Sasa wewe, uli Vote rejected instead of me?

Rejected stands a better chance of being president. If only he’d campaigned

1:39pm

Message from Kenyans in The Diaspora

 

 

Curtis “50 Cent” Wafula

"Mulembe?"

“Mulembe?”

I jus wanna wish all my Kenyan niggas peaceful-ass elections, and congratulate y’all on votin for niggaz. Cos on da real, we need dat democracy shit to be poppin. Now, I ain’t been to Kenya in a while, but my ancestors be comin from Bungoma, knowmsayin. My grandpa be a Luhya, as you can see, I look just like him.

Now I just hope that the new president, President Hulu Canada will do some ill shit to help niggas of Kenyan descent in the diaspora, knowwhamsayin, by arrestin all y’all criminals who be piratin’ my music and sharin’ MP3s without buying my CDs. That’s my message. GGGGGG-UNIT!

 

 

Rihanna Wanjiru

Ere me now. Me bin com inna di Barbados but mi fadder dem com from Murang’a inna di Kenya. So me wan wish all dem Kenyan especially mi cousin Ciku, mi cousin Wairimu, an mi aunty Sheila Kwamboka. Yo Sheila, ya legs dem still na better dan mine. Me see ya tryin record some songs an become singer like me. It run inna di family. Yo. Congratulations inna di vote. Hope ya new president gets a good foreign affairs minister an ya get a visa.

Seriously, that's Kwambox' music video to the right. Click the link for the youtube. You will regret it.

Seriously, that’s Kwambox’ music video to the right. Click the link for the youtube. You will regret it.

 

Wiz Khalifa 

Don’t deport me, Obama. I don’t want to go back.

 

12:47 pm

CMB PREZZO CONTESTS ELECTIONS, THREATENS TO STOP SINGING.

Real Kenyan President CMB Prezzo has vowed to stop releasing new songs if a new president is sworn in without his consent. Speaking to ULK on condition of anonymity, His Excellency Prezzo said he officially took over power years back when he changed his name to Prezzo.

“That’s real democracy, my friend, unaelewa?” he stated. “And I was sworn in when they started buying my CDs.” Prezzo also expressed great disappointment that his name did not even appear on the ballot paper. “The only way I participated in this election was when Maina Kageni played one of my tracks in the car that was taking my friends to the polling station. Someone rigged this election.”

Prezzo

Prezzo appealed to the Uganda Electoral Commission of Kenya, IEBC to look into the matter immediately or risk losing all access to his awesome music and throwing the land of primitive energy back to the 1800s when the British used Kenyans as slaves because there was no Prezzo.

 

 

11:29 am

EVIL WESTERN MEDIA DISTORTS ELECTIONS

 

OOrrrdingrrrr...

OOrrrdingrrrr…

With provisional presidential election results from Kenya coming in placing Uhuru Kenyata in the lead, radio and TV journalists in America have began biting their tongues practicing how to say his name. So far 80 per cent of  CNN’s newsroom have reached the level where they say “Ken Yarra”, which, is a drastic improvement from two weeks ago when it was mostly “Keenie Yarder”.

Many journalists spoken to by ULK expressed some anxiety over the lead of Uhuru Kenyatta, saying they would have preferred president Rayler O’Dinger or Paul Moyter, or even better, Paul Kenneth to win the presidency of Kenya.

“We in America know Hulu as a website for watching videos. Now they tell us it’s gonna be an African president? That’s why we never write nothing positive about y’all Africans!” said the Wolf Blitzer on condition of anonymity.

 

10: 05 am

KIBAKI STILL PRESIDENT, KENYAN VOTERS SHTUKARING.

 

Kibaki on his way to office ths morning. Or maybe that is Yoda

Kibaki on his way to office ths morning. Or maybe that is Yoda

Kenyans in who just concluded voting in their general elections, which included elections to select a new president, registered shock and disbelief when they woke up this morning to find out that Mwai Kibaki, who had lead the nation for two terms, was still president. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one such Kenyan had this to say: “Ala? Ati wot? Manze!”

Officials from the Kenyan Electoral Commision, Kenyan Umeme,* explained that this was due to a legal loophole, a technicalitly that allows Kibaki to remain president until the inauguration ceremony when the new president is sworn in.

Speaking on condition of a little bit less anonymity the Kenyan mentioned above, now called Mwangi, said: “Oh. Iz okay then. Manze I had shtukad. I woz like the president is not going? Kwani thiz has become Uganda?”

The official from Kenyan UMEME explained that “shtukad” means “Mbadde neekanze!”, or “Nanateina!” or “Alworo!”

For readers in Kenya, who don’t get the UMEME reference, UMEME is the Uganda electricity company. There is a guy called Sseya in Ug who thinks that elections are catered by the electrical commission… but banange, when you explain the joke… Just lol.

 

 

WHERE ARE OUR GOATS!!: A Case Of Legislative Probing And Inquiring

 

The Parliament’s Public Accounts Committee is gearing up to unleash Satan’s very own Hell upon whoever is responsible for the disappearance of 30,000 thousand goats from The Presidential Goats Project, a poverty alleviation initiative that supplies goats to 100 plus farmers in Sembabule District. Or would, if the goats had had any visible offspring.

goat

Here is our transcript of the proceedings which haven’t happened yet as meticulously imagined by our keyboard reporter.
………………………………………

PAC OFFICIAL 1: Okay let’s get this started, send in the wretch. Let’s roast him.

Secretary sends in a shivering and sweaty clerk or archivist excavated from some unknown basement somewhere at the Ministry of Agriculture.

PAC OFFICIAL 1: Don’t you chaps at the Ministry know that our President’s vision includes the reduction of poverty through the multiplication of goats? Why are you obstructing the big man’s vision, why are you stopping the nation’s goats from enjoying regular sex?

Ministry of Agriculture Official: That is the farthest thing from our minds sir, personally nothing makes me happier than goats fckunig.

PAC OFFICIAL 2: Good, then if that is the case, are you secretly importing goat condoms and sneaking them on the goat penises?

Ministry of Agriculture Official: No.

PAC OFFICIAL 1: Are you fertilizing the grasses of Sembabule with crushed PilPlan Tablets?

Ministry of Agriculture Official: No Sir.

PAC OFFICIAL 2: So why has the Ministry neglected its responsibility? Is there perhaps something you are hiding from us? Maybe goats?

Ministry of Agriculture Official:I don’t know sir.

PAC OFFICIAL 3: (removing his spectacles with a heavy sigh) : at this juncture, I propose we initiate Legislative Protocol #42 For The Punishment of Wayward Government Officials.
…………

Gentlemen, I say it’s time to probe this fool.

The motion is unanimously carried. The sacrificial lamb from the Ministry is taken to the probe room.

 

The less that is said of what happens there the better.

The less that is said of what happens there the better.

PAC OFFICIAL 1: Send in the next witness

Secretary ushers in matronly looking goat. The goat jumps straight into the proceedings, doesn’t even wait to be sworn in.

GOAT: (very abrupt) Trucks. Took Billy and Ssedume and the others.

PAC OFFICIAL 2: Madam, we just want you to know that that we are on your side, relax, we aren’t going to eat you. Can you tell us where all the young goats have been going?

GOAT: (brusquely) Eaten. As if funds.

PAC OFFCIAL 3: How exactly?

GOAT: Kachumbari. Salt. Also Avocado.

PAC OFFCIAL 1: Could you please be a bit more elaborate, do you want to tell us how this came to be? At this moment the internet is frothing with goat jokes and tweets and what have you, the people of Uganda are with you.

GOAT: Grievous bodily harm. (a fat tear slides down her face) Swaibu said a prayer.

PAC Official 1: are you comprehending any of this? (to PAC Official 3 who shakes his head.)

GOAT: (losing patience) THE GOATS ARE IN YOUR STOMACHS!!  YOU UGANDANS ATE THEM!! THEY ARE OLD NEWS BY NOW!

……………………………..

How We Celebrate NRM Day

Wednesday is going to be the new NRM day, and all over the city members and supporters of the National Resistance Movement are going to take the day off from work to celebrate the fundamental change wrought by that honourable body of men and women who liberated Uganda from tyranny 27 years ago. You know those things.

Meanwhile people who could not give less of a damn about fundamental change or its ass will also be taking the day off. But why and what for? What does NRM Day mean to you? We surveyed the city and here are the results. Very scientific. Fear us.

National Roast Meat Day

On this day we mark the liberation of kilos of meat from the lives of cows, and mark the fundamental change in the flesh from gross, raw, bloody and fly-infested, to delicious, juicy, and going down well with beer.

And fly-infested.

We like to imagine that before public holidays butchers all watch Kill Bill Part 1 for inspiration and then they go and start cutting up the cows. Haiyaa!

Then you slaughter cows like this.

Then you slaughter cows like this.

 

 

 

National Rowdy Music Day

Ragga Dancehall artists in Uganda will probably stage shows around this holiday, shows at which the CD tracks they mime to are played at the loudest volume UMEME and EQ speakers can provide. This is so that the fans, already drunk and horny out of their minds, will be blasted with sound so massive that the effect will be medically identical to an unrelenting series of physical micro-punches to the head. By the time they leave the show, or black out (whichever comes first) their brain matter will have been so violently abused that they will actually believe:

  • (For Bebe Fans) That By Far is actually better than Ndiisa Butti.
  • (For Bobi Fans) That Ndiisa Butti is actually better than By Far

 

Giving us the final rap

Now ‘ear dis!

National Rat Murder Day

This is the day when you create a new generation. They will be born in September/October and then go on UPE, USE and then graduate from the 234 universities in the country and complain nti the then-95-year-old President Museveni is not doing enough to reduce unemployment. They will demonstrate and still not get the point, i.e. that if you want to be employed, send an application to a teargas firm.

 

Princess Komuntale’s Wedding: Former Stalkers Speak Out

When a hot chick is about to get married, one of the things that happens is that her former stalkers jump out of the bush complaining. They want to know why they dedicated all that time to her and then she ended up marrying some other guy instead. This might be the first time she is even hearing of those stalkers but that’s because stalkers are not sane.
It happens. If it didn’t happen when you got married, that’s because you are not as hot as you think you are.

We somehow got our hands (hacked) on some emails that were recently sent to a soon-to-be-wed Ugandan royal.

 

 

Ring ring, aani oono? *

Dear Ruth,

Hi.

I don’t know if you remember me, but it’s Bosco. We were in Aga Khan together. I was the one who used to sit behind you in all classes. I loved you. That is why I was always sitting behind  you. I was actually supposed to be in P7 but I deliberately flunked so that they would take me back to P6 so that I could be in the same class as you. I loved you that much. I never even copied you, even though I could see all your answers due to having mastered the art of staring at you. Now I hear you are marrying someone else? Can he really love you the way I loved you?

 

Ow’eewa? Nansana?

Dear Lusi,

It is me Deo from Happy Monkeys Day Care and Nusery in Fort Portal.We used to be together us in Baby Class. That you were a plincense for reyo? Kale me I didn’t know. If I had been when I nyu I would have shared with you my chokret that day when you begged me. Me I never finished school I have mudaala in Kikuubo you can come and I give you discount because of loving you instead of marrying that one.

 

Hey Ruth,

I don’t know if you remember me, but it’s Ssekamonde Brayan. I also used to sit behind you in class sometimes when you were in Aga Khan. I don’t know if you remember but there were always two boys fighting for the desk behind yours. There was that little punk Bosco and me.
No, we were not in school together. I was actually in Buganda Road but I would come to your school to stalk you.

Then you went to Stato, I tried to follow but they denied me a visa. So I went to Sri Lanka instead. I thought they were near each other. I should have paid attention in Geography instead of just staring at you all the time. While I was stuck here some American boy took you? Do you know how a broken heart feels in Sri Lanka? How could you?

 

Oyagala ki?

 

Ay Root, wagwan,

Me Rolan, di taxi driver we me ride ya around town wen ya in school in America. Me always know you speshal. Me kno dis! Dat why me never even charge ya extra money. Excep when ya inna mi cab wid dat bway Chris, den me kno him gwan pay anyway.

Ya never wonder why every time ya need a cab it always di same cab dat show up? It because me fallo you aroun! Me love ya, Root. Me wan marry ya. Me always worry dat mi cyant marry callege girl wen me an immigran’ taxi driver but now me kno ya a princess me kno money nat a problem. Forget dat Chris bway. Me love you firs.

 

 

Hi Ruth,

It’s Aziz from Lybia. You remember me of course from the time you lived here. I hear you are getting married to some guy. Really? Some American just shows up with his pretty white teeth and you swoon? What about me? What about all I did for you? I bought you flowers, you chick! Do you know how hard it is to find flowers when you live in the desert?

 

Nakukuba? Okakasa?

 

*Editor’s note. Captions translated from Rutooro by Sizzaman. He was supposed to translate to English, but he is still looking for someoen who knows enough English.