Lecturers at the prestigious Makerere University called off a strike for an increase in their pay…probably because it costs money to send Museveni innumerable messages asking that he increases your pay. Or maybe it was the shock discovery that they’d been sending the messages to the wrong number all this time. Or a revelation that the number was right but the head of state’s inbox was full. Whatever the case was, we at ULK empathize fully. We are after-all here, in these air-conditioned offices, sipping juice from a glass in one hand while typing, one letter at a time, with the other, because you put in time and made us the.people.we.are.today.(waits for applause to die down)
(puts glass of juice down)
Be that as it may,
[John was fidgety and sweaty. He liked ballet. Even pork and Riham biscuits he liked them. He wore leotards. Re-write this using ‘Be that as it may’. Thank you lecturer Matovu, now I see your wisdom]
Be that as it may, we’ve been in the KLA hustle long enough to quickly point out a few things you can do to make some mad moola as the president gets round to responding to your friend requests and subsequently increasing your salaries. Or was it SMSs
1. Brew some drugs
We’ve seen real life stories of teachers (not even lecturers, imagine) in other parts of the world who have gone from rugs, to drugs to riches…and bitches all by using pipettes and bunsen burners for a little more than demonstrating to sleeping students the wonders of Chemistry. Imagine if you made more use for all the filter paper and beakers and made something strong. You could sell the product to parliamentarians since you know, they are already on drugs
2. Offer rides
Taxis and boda bodas are no longer allowed into campus. A lot of money can be made by using your car to transport horny boys from Livingstone Hall to pretty, hardworking, serious girls reading their books in Mary Stuart Hall. You may need to clean suspect fluids from some parts of the car err so often but that’s collateral.
3. Hard coursework
Give very hard course work and remind students that the only way to pass is if they go and (removed by Ed. In it’s place, this witty, DRAMATIC sentence has been put)
4. Write a book
People love reading books. Look at all the trees that have been cut down to make copies of Fifty shades of grey. Do your own thing. You could go the ‘Sowing the Mustard Seed’ (‘mustard’ could be another name for maryjane. Explains some decisions) and write about your life. Tell us everything. Don’t leave out stuff. How you walked several miles to and from school. How you were eating sausage while others were going to the bush not so far from your hut. Everything.
5. Start singing
We’ve been told, only so many times, about how rich ‘Dr.’ Chameleone is. Msschtchew. How can you, the real Doctor, let him enjoy all that money from fans when you are the one who read all those books? Surely, it cannot be too hard to grow dreadlocks and say ‘valu valu‘. You are the real doctor; we’d come to your shows because of how cleverly you weave Maslow’s heirarchy of needs into your lyrics, because of how you throw chalk into the audience at the height of the show, how you ask questions during the show and ask us, the screaming fans, to raise our hands to answer, because of how you dictate your lyrics for the topless female fans at the front to write down…we’d also be awed by the fact that you wouldn’t use a stage name. You’d stay Dr. Didimus Kainyunju, on and off stage. And in your posters you’d be standing next to a blackboard, with a blackboard ruler in one hand while the other writes some crazy, rock star sheet down