Category Archives: Monday Massacres

Monday Massacres: Tusaba Gavumenti Etuyambe

No, we didn’t steal an editor from Bukedde. It’s a trending Luganda phrase for “Furaaaaaayideeee!!!” Even if it’s Monday.

Seriously though, it’s a classic Shakespearean phrase for “We ask government to save us!” Cos shit man, there’s just too much to deal with.

William Shakespeare

1. The last house party I went to had more men than girls. The rules of partying all across the world do not condone such foolery. Estrogen rules! #TusabaGavumentiEtuyambe

2. When you enter a taxi, you immediately lose value. Like that shittyass flabby ex. They’ll stop anywhere for you but when disembarking, you tell them Wandegeya and they’ll drop you in Nakapiripirit district. Nti “there was no parking.” #TusabaGavumentiEtuyambe

3. People these days like following trends and end up forgetting who they are. They diss Miley Cyrus just cos all the internets are doing it and then go and load all his albums on their iPods. “Screw Miley Cyrus! ♩ ♪ ♫ Akemilaka wreeeeeekimbooooooo… ♬ ♭ ♮ ♯ ” #TusabaGavumentiEtuyambe

4. Boys should stop asking girls to come to their places “just to watch movies”. God hates liars. If you really want to go to heaven, tell her “Come to my place and we have sex”. And girls need to stop pretending they’ve come to watch movies. The sex won’t have itself. #TusabaGavumentiEtuyambe

5. Did you know that famous UG ambassador to the American accent Rarbin Kirsti recently had a battle of wits with our boy Ernestizzle Bazanyizzle on Twitter? Ask myself if you think I’m lying. It got too hot that her accent melted and she started saying things like ‘halarious’. #TusabaGavumentiEtuyambe

@bazanye But what the fuck is your fuckin problem dude, u bin on my case since I came here. Do you have a crash oh wat? #getafuckinjob

6. Complaining about KFC prices is like knocking on your neighbour’s door and asking them to please stop putting so much sugar in their coffee cos you’re those ends trying to watch TV and it’s distracting you. Just work harder and open a savings account so you can some day afford it too. #TusabaGavumentiEtuyambe

7. Many Ugandans find it prestigious to have haters. Cos according to great advice from reputable icons in their headphones like Yung Gotti Flower and J Boner Flex and Lil ill and Blind Fas Chiggiwiggi and other admirably named rappers, having haters is a sign that you’re rich and young and successful and gat bitches in the hood and you wake up in a new Bugatti. So next time someone calls to say they hate you, jump up and down in euphoric folly and quickly grab a bike to the nearest ATM. Cos your account has just been credited, dude!

Monday Massacres: Museveni vs Kasparov

Rumors being fueled by reports from a rival media house, brought to our attention by our now jobless receptionist, indicate that Grand Master Garry Kasparov is set to jet into the country and among other clever things, dumb things down and take on our head of state in a game of chess. This is exciting news. So exciting, we need a public holiday to celebrate it properly. So exciting, we should declare a national one-minute window during which everyone with access to public funds can take at will and there will be no repercussions…that’s not to say that not that there are any right now.

For so long now, the world has been laughing at Uganda after it became clear that we aren’t good at Chase. The wounds are still raw.

Big Brother: The Chase...of Ugandans

Chase: Ugandans need not apply

 Today, our benevolent leader wins back our pride by beating the Chess legend. We get to laugh last.  To leave nothing to chance, here are a few tips to make sure the Russian feigns illness midway through the game.

1. The thing that looks like a horse, it moves like an ‘L’. As in you move it forward as if two steps then you turn it one step to the right or to the left. It moves like Lukyamuzi in a riot; straight then it ducks just as the police starts to ask “Elo, what are you doing here?”

Police Arrest protestor

Ugandans ending a game of chase

2. The one with a cross on the head but as if wearing a dress is you. It is the king. Numero uno. Da bauss. A strange-cross-dressing king that can’t get a decent pair of trousers , unlike you.

Museveni

Kaspa-who? The gun?

3. The chess pieces do not ‘jump’ each other. That is another game played by people who are not intelligent like you

4. The piece with spiky things on its head and also wearing a dress like yours, that is the queen. She has balls of steel. She moves as she wishes. She goes everywhere, fast. She’s lethal. She’s like a boda boda with brains

5. The smallest piece is called the pawn. This is the foot soldier. The one you send to do a lot of the dirty work. It is the one that feels important yet it is dispensable. You have several of these around so it should be easy to relate.

Kasparov, this is to you:

E=mc2, so as I tends to infinity, x tends to zero.

Bring it on.

Monday Massacres: BBC to be shut down

In a move as daft as the bad guy’s decision to make small talk with the main actor before killing him, the British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC), against James Bond’s specific instructions, aired an interview with General David Sejusa (aka Tinyefuza) last week. The interview appeared on TV only a few days after the UK denied knowing where the retired spy master was. “I did not have sexual relations with that woman”

Airing the interview at a critical time like this in the world’s history means that the BBC is going to be closed down and a few employees asked to leap-frog around the office for two days. This action is in line with the closure of two newspapers in Uganda last month which published a confidential letter by the very same General Sejusa.

BBC

Soon-to-be-shutdown

Attempts to interview staff at the BBC London studio, where the interview was aired, were futile since the ones who were brave enough to creep out from under their desks (where most seemed to somehow have set up toilets, diners and beds) were crying uncontrollably, making their words hard to understand. Eye witnesses outside the plush offices confirmed spotting a few new lanky individuals who repeatedly speak into their wrists.

James Bond, “I tol’ ‘em not to air it. I donno why they di’it. Now I have to go undercover to protect ém”

Speaking on condition of anonymity, Mercelious Kukundakwe said that indeed “…they have to pay for such an act of terrorism. They dunont(sic) no us. We are going to [Edited. ED]

By press time, we were unable to establish whether tear gas will be exported to London to quell the resulting riots or whether some will be bought from there. As impartial as this article is, we recommend the export option; our tear gas bad.

As part of the interview, the General is noted to have said “All options are open… to remove Museveni”

Tinyefuza

General Sejusa strikes a presidential pose

His new UK SIM card has not yet been activated but these options, the grapevine says, may include, but probably won’t be restricted to:

  • Hurling his moustache, like a boomerang, to Uganda to hit him
  • Sending an unseat-from-power virus via Skype
  • Borrowing Harry Potter’s broom and flying to state house to kick in the door and demand that power is handed over to him
  • Using Whatsapp to show him what’s up by delivering scary images of his moustache

Monday Massacres: Age ain’t nothing but the answer

True to form, we gave Angola a whip-lashing over the weekend. With Father’s day the next day, we showed them who their daddy is. They sent us Father’s day cards with “Uganda, você é o nosso papai” written allover them.

Daddy

From Angola, to Ug.

 Good stuff Uganda Cranes.

In other developments, the bad-get (-and-eat-our-money) was released last week in a foreign accent by our very own local Minister of Finance. She said we are now old enough to fund 80% of our thieving ways. No need to eat money from abroad yet there’s some right here. To ensure that this self-facilitation happens seamlessly, those kids who read for school using kerosene lamps will need to will their eyes to evolve and learn to see in the dark; kerosene prices are going to rise (if the minister’s proposals are approved). Who needs to read for school yet our leaders have no iPads? Disrespectful, ungrateful poor people.

Children reading

Kids, learn to read in the dark. Must.Buy.iPads

The minister faltered when reading the bit about money to fund roads…but our benevolent leader stepped in and re-assured her “No no no, minister, we have money for roads”. Re-assured, she read the rest of her stuff

Speaking of our benevolent leader, lots of excitement was in the air last week when the nation came closer to finding out his age. Pockets of parties spontaneously burst out in various parts of the country. See, in his book about sowing seeds-and several other times, he’s said he was born ‘around 1944’ to illiterate parents who didn’t know the date. Last week, in the State-of-the-Nation address, he pointed out that he was born in a hospital. Which has doctors. And keeps records. Happiness. Joy

It is hard to write just how exciting this news is. Ugandan researchers have been spending sleepless nights trying to crack that age-old question. Entire teams are buried underground, surrounded by bleeping screens and whiteboards full of sticky notes and yellowed newspaper clippings from the 1940’s. This info could change the country’s course forever! If only we knew his age, the roads would be fixed. The ailing health sector would stabilize. The ill-fitting-suit-wearing MPs would articulate themselves better. Boda boda riders would give turn signals and apologize profusely if they hit you. Brings to mind that saying “Age is nothing but a number that begins with 7”

Monday Massacres: Big Brother, Why You No Like Us?

A few weeks ago, Uganda sent two of its citizens to a house in South Africa to drink alcohol, be loud, try to be witty and attempt to undress someone of the opposite sex in the hope that all other Africans watching them do all this would be thoroughly entertained and would vote to keep them in the house. The search for the citizens to send for this national calling was very thorough; millions of Ugandans were lined up and asked to binge drink while doctors smelt their breath and gauged how high they were. They were then asked to talk and professional funny people listened and rated their jokes using the Joke Factor Index. Their clothes were then rated based on style, haute couture, Feng Shui and a lot of other complex fashion things.  They were asked to sit still in a room and timing was done to see how long it would take before they pluck out their nails and pull out their hair. They were also made to sit uncomfortably close to annoying people and their facial contortions were monitored 3,000 times per second to rate their capacity to stomach BS.

Two citizens emerged on top; these were given Visas, bundled onto a plane and sent to Mandela’s country.

Big Brother: The Chase...of Ugandans

Big Brother: The Chase…of Ugandans

(Fast Forward)

Those citizens are both back in the country; hopefully back at their old jobs.

Big Brother evictee: Boss, be easy. I know I said I’d be gone three months but….

ULK resident social pundit, Samson Amanyi Mangi Jusa, was asked why the Ugandans were kicked out so fast. He sent a long email, we summarized it:

The game wasn’t about corruption

We didn’t send Sharone O’s legs

The prize money wasn’t money from Donors

We didn’t send someone good at staying under the radar, like Ziggy Dee. Big brother would evict everyone and discover at the very end that Ziggy Dee was still in the house, drying his face using the hand dryer in the loo

We didn’t send someone who can’t be kicked out. (Cough) Sevo.

We didn’t send someone who’d steal the drawers off girls. (Cough) Opondo

We didn’t send someone who has people skills. (Clears throat) Bad black. She’d talk to Big brother and he’d give her the money to buy land in Uganda

We didn’t send someone who’d make all the girls in the house pregnant by looking at them. Golola Moses.

We didn’t send Warid Pesa Man. He’d sit there, smiling and showing off his tight pants…Africa would vote to see that every day.

Warid Pesa Man: No time to get proper-fitting pants

Warid Pesa Man: No gonads. No time to get proper-fitting pants

In other news, the Uganda Cranes showed flat-footed, no-game-having, two-left-foot-having Liberians a thing about soccer this weekend. Yay us.

Monday Massacres: Leaked Police Se-juice-aah report

Last week, the police did a ninja on the media and shutdown very many media houses, including one newspaper and one tabloid. All kinds of curses and unfriendly stuff was sent in their direction but the police did not give a sheet. Not one. This baffled very many observers seeing as they all knew for a fact that the officers are full of sheet; “Why you no give a sheet eh? Not even one? C’mon!,”  they were heard saying

Uganda Police

The Uganda Police giving a sheet

In as much as we were tempted to run and hide for fear of being shutdown too (since our Intel guy Swaibu had tipped us that we were next) we chose to be brave and try to find the story behind the story. We brought you and interview with the letter the police are still frantically searching for at the premises of the embattled newspapers. We brought you movies done by leaders in the industry about the stand-off. Then we went undercover to read the police report detailing what they’ve discovered at the premises so far.
Below is the stuff:

1.Irene Namubiru’s other g-nuts
2. Seya’s American accent, the one he got while incarcerated in the same cell with Wesley Snipes
3. Zari’s real singing voice
4. Bebe Cool’s talent
5. A blue-balled monkey
6. One of the missing government goats. Investigators swear that they found it at the Red Pepper offices typing out a Hyena story.
7.Pesa man. They found him in a compromising position with a life-size picture of  Sponge Bob.
8.Sevo’s other rap
9. Patches of half-smoked dry grass
10.Jackie Collins novels next to sticky piles of tissue and cotton wool
We will not rest until the entire story is unearthed. We will keep you posted on the police’s findings.

Monday Massacres: How To Be An Amazing MP

(Mellow sound of a stream of water flowing. Deep baritone comes in over that)

Here at Urban Legend Kampala’s plush, air-conditioned offices, we aim to guide you to achieve your dreams. We know you have aspirations. We do research and give you facts and figures on how to get there. Today we bring you the top ten things you need to do to become a Member of Parliament (MP). We know you want to earn from sleeping at work and only waking up to shout hoarse, incorrigible sheet into the microphone of a puzzled, scared reporter.

      1. Develop a crazy love for oversized suits. If it is two or more sizes too large, that’s the perfect suit.
      2. Practice saying dumb stuff. Watch your baby speak, repeat after them. Watch movies or series in foreign languages, repeat after them. Go for mass, learn a few phrases in Latin. Repeat them. Practice in front of a mirror every so often to boost your confidence

        Baby Talk

        Repeat after me…

      3. Sleep. Anywhere. Everywhere. At dinner. In parliament. The world is your bed. Without the mistress. Or the mattress. Or the bugs. Or the stained sheets
      4. Pick up an accent from any region of the country; anyone with a foreign accent need not apply. Say ‘the’ as ‘De’, say ‘road’ as ‘load’, ‘that’ as ‘dat’,pronounce every letter in ‘often’COMMERCIAL BREAK. Giving time to real MPs to catch up since they read slow. END BREAK
      5. De accent in place, unlearn everything you know about English. Get the language and do nasty things to it. Bend it over. Tell it you are its daddy.Learn to say things like “De main reeson parlyament is nont makingi a deecision…”“Dey are making noise like de mosqwitoes…”
      6. Money. Scratch a dime out of everything. Be on every committee since you get an allowance for being there. Carry all the extra snacks home in your oversize suit
      7. Interrupt all conversations or speeches with the words ”Mista speaker sir, is it in oda dat.. ”Shoot your hand up while doing this. Anywhere. At a graduation party. At a wedding. In the cafeteria
      8. Learn to live on 25k (USD 10) a month since all the other money you make will be lost to bank loans
        Broke
      9. If you intend to be in the opposition, learn to criticize the government for everything. Blame everything on them.
        It’s raining in Kampala. ”See what I told you about government? We need to investigate why dey let it rain here when deya is no rain in de Nors” . If you plan to be in the ruling party, learn to kiss ass and support errthing NRM. “Dat MP pulled down his pants and flashed his butt cheeks on TV because it is his right as a member of NRM. Freedom of expression. As NRM, we brought Uganda peace so people can do that…”
      10. Find ways of not being shy to whip out your shlong and pee on a policeman

Monday Massacres: Why lipstick and a Moustache affect your performance

New police disciplinary guidelines written by Inspector General of Police, Kale Kayihura, if they are to be approved, will mean that the boys in white will no longer have moustaches.  Their female colleagues won’t be able to wear lipstick or short uniforms. We sent a team into the field to investigate and produce a report on the effects of lipstick, short uniforms and moustaches have on performance of a police officer. Swaibu and his teammates sent their report in this morning:

Borat

Moustaches rock!

Master ULK, you all know how many female officers stopped us and they were wearing very short uniforms, batting their done-up eyelids and smacking their lipsticked lips? Cooing like they needed a hug. They were many; many like nsenene in November. Many like…

….wait, Swaibu, where did you do this research from?

(Gesturing with mouth) here here, Speke road.

But you man, we sent you to Kiira road. How are we supposed to publish this?

(Mumbling from Swaibu)

From the less graphic part of the report:

On top of all the reasons oready already listed, dear Afande,  moustaches, lipstick and short iniform uniform affect your performance as an officer like so:

When you a asking for bribe, your moustache’s movement could alert the rest of the world about what you are doing. Cut it off and talk through the corner of your mouth, like your friends, without fearing being spotted

Ugandan Police

Moustaches are the problem here

Lipstick makes drivers stare at your lips instead of the traffic lights.

You could use the moustache to hide bribes.

When you are harassing an irate rioter, if you are in a short uniform, he can be there and he touches your thigh.

If you wear a short skirt and lipstick and stop someone and tell them that you are going to punish them for being bad, they will take it the wrong way. If you take it further and ask them for “kitu kidogo” or “something small”, they may start to undress

When a crime happens and you are trying to sniff your way to a suspect, since dogs are not enough, the moustache it will not allow you to sniff.

In conclusion, the IGP is correct to propose these rules. Because all the problems in our police force, excessive use of force in riots, constantly asking for bribes, lack of even basic investigation skills, all that it is because of lipstick. And moustaches. And short iniforms uniforms.

Monday Massacres: MUK Lecturers Breaking Bad

Lecturers at the prestigious Makerere University called off a strike for an increase in their pay…probably because it costs money to send Museveni innumerable messages asking that he increases your pay. Or maybe it was the shock discovery that they’d been sending the messages to the wrong number all this time. Or a revelation that the number was right but the head of state’s inbox was full. Whatever the case was, we at ULK empathize fully. We are after-all  here, in these air-conditioned offices, sipping juice from a glass in one hand while typing, one letter at a time, with the other, because you put in time and made us the.people.we.are.today.(waits for applause to die down)

(puts glass of juice down)

Be that as it may,
[John was fidgety and sweaty. He liked ballet. Even pork and Riham biscuits he liked them. He wore leotards. Re-write this using ‘Be that as it may’. Thank you lecturer Matovu, now I see your wisdom]

Be that as it may, we’ve been in the KLA hustle long enough to quickly point out a few things you can do to make some mad moola as the president gets round to responding to your friend requests and subsequently increasing your salaries. Or was it SMSs

1. Brew some drugs

We’ve seen real life stories of teachers (not even lecturers, imagine) in other parts of the world who have gone from rugs, to drugs to riches…and bitches all by using pipettes and bunsen burners for a little more than demonstrating to sleeping students the wonders of Chemistry. Imagine if you made more use for all the filter paper and beakers and made something strong. You could sell the product to parliamentarians since you know, they are already on drugs

Shake the money maker

Shake the money maker

2. Offer rides

Taxis and boda bodas are no longer allowed into campus. A lot of money can be made by using your car to transport horny boys from Livingstone Hall to pretty, hardworking, serious girls reading their books in Mary Stuart Hall. You may need to clean suspect fluids from some parts of the car err so often but that’s collateral.

3. Hard coursework

Give very hard course work and remind students that the only way to pass is if they go and (removed by Ed. In it’s place, this witty, DRAMATIC sentence has been put)

4. Write a book

People love reading books. Look at all the trees that have been cut down to make copies of Fifty shades of grey. Do your own thing. You could go the ‘Sowing the Mustard Seed’  (‘mustard’ could be another name for maryjane. Explains some decisions) and write about your life. Tell us everything. Don’t leave out stuff. How you walked several miles to and from school. How you were eating sausage while others were going to the bush not so far from your hut. Everything.

You speak truth Sleek

You speak truth Sleek. Proceed

5.  Start singing

We’ve been told, only so many times, about how rich ‘Dr.’ Chameleone is. Msschtchew. How can you, the real Doctor, let him enjoy all that  money from fans when you are the one who read all those books? Surely, it cannot be too hard to grow dreadlocks and say ‘valu valu‘. You are the real doctor; we’d come to your shows because of how cleverly you weave Maslow’s heirarchy of needs into your lyrics, because of how you throw chalk into the audience at the height of the show, how you ask questions during the show and ask us, the screaming fans, to raise our hands to answer, because of how you dictate your lyrics for the topless female fans at the front to write down…we’d also be awed by the fact that you wouldn’t use a stage name. You’d stay Dr. Didimus Kainyunju, on and off stage. And in your posters you’d be standing next to a blackboard, with a blackboard ruler in one hand while the other writes some crazy, rock star sheet down

The lyrics from one of your biggest  hits, I am MC

The lyrics from one of your biggest hits, I = MC (I am MC)

Monday Massacres: The Greatest Inventions in Uganda

Over the years, we’ve seen several inventions come out of this dusty pearl; there are several others being worked on by mad scientists all over the country right now. We sent out a team to do hardcore research and here they are:

PARTY CATEGORY

[ulk-credit]jscreationzs / freedigitalphotos.net[/ulk-credit]

[ulk-credit]jscreationzs / freedigitalphotos.net[/ulk-credit]

Party Pretty

This mobile app, to be released initially only for Android devices, will have detectors at the entrance of all nightspots that matter. The detectors will scan the faces of all the ladies walking into the nightspots, use a complex beauty algorithms and grades their beauty and booty on a scale of 1 to 10. Guys using the mobile app get to decide which place to hang out at depending on which one has more beauty or more booty. Girls use the same app to decide where to go to find as little competition as possible

Arab Money Party

This mobile app complements the Party Pretty app. It too has detectors at all nightspots that matter in the country. It uses complex, rich algorithms to determine how much money each guy entering the place has. Female users can decide where to hang out depending on where the most loaded guys are. It also allows guys to decide where to go and not feel threatened by how much money fellow revelers have

POLITICS CATEGORY

Corruptalyzer

The way this neat gadget works is that you breathe into it and it displays how much public funds you have stolen in the last three months. The idea is to place it at the gate of parliament to replace the useless, electricity-guzzling metal detector.

Suitstress

This machine would spit out proper-fitting suits for our members of parliament

Gibberish

The name of this device will be to throw people off. The small, nifty invention, to be stuck under the tongue, would be used to translate the nonsense said by a member of parliament, real time, into sense with figures and statistics. The gadget would be handed out at the beginning of each Parliamentary session. It would deliver a small, non-fatal, electric shock to a wearer when he exceeds a preset gibberish limit.

 MUSIC CATEGORY

Songbird

[ulk-credit]renjith krishnan / freedigitalphotos.net[/ulk-credit]

[ulk-credit]renjith krishnan / freedigitalphotos.net[/ulk-credit]

This will be a tablet that will allow anyone who swallows it three times a day, with Safi, to have a good singing voice. It would magically change your singing voice from Nandutu to Alaine in a week…or you get your money back. Those who cannot afford this slightly pricy medication will have to buy the…. (Sweaty drum roll)

Ear-mpaffu

To use this amazing device, one sticks it into their ears and anything they listen to will sound like very good music. A Zari jam will be playing and all you’ll hear is Lauryn Hill.