Category Archives: Love Doctor

How To Become A Baby

Have you ever been a baby? If you’ve never, that’s too bad. But you’re not alone. The ‘baby’ title is very privileged and rare. Statistically speaking, almost 99% of the world’s population has never had this title. They’ve never been babies.

That’s why I went back to the lab and said, “But wait!” Then after I said, “I should write a manual for these people teaching them how to grow backwards. To ungrow.” Then I continued and said, “And then I should put it in the ‘Love Doctor’ category because that’s how much I care about them.” Dudes and dudesses, presenting 10 awesome ways to become a baby.

1: You need to reduce your IQ immensely. It’s not as easy as you think. Only rich and famous people like Pastor Sempa and Badman Bobi can pull off something this big. They have the money. For you you need serious training.

2: Touch FM’s breakfast show would be a good place to start. It is said that you can lose over half of your grownup intellect in less than 30 minutes in that place. True story.

3: Your appearance. Avoid grownup things like boxers, t-shirts and jeans. They are not good for your reputation. Do nappies.

4: Like Straka.

5: Every man who gets into a relationship automatically becomes a baby. It’s the easiest way. They suckle their girlfriends’ tits looking for milk. Then they insert straws in another part of the body.

6: But not to look for milk. Therein lies the mystery. What do they be looking for?

7: Girls suckle something else.

8: Try not to talk intelligibly. Saying things that make sense makes no sense. It instead frustrates your baby efforts. Don’t say: “You look beautiful tonight, darling.” Say “gugapunyamnyamprrrr”.

9: But that’s for professional babies. You have to start small. With statements like “I am putting my behind on NRM”.

10: Or just listen to Hot 100.

Handling The Stress Of A Great Relationship

A happy relationship can be quite distressing, especially for a man. There’s too much smiling, a lot of tiring sex and too many when-the-hell-are-you-proposing looks. If not handled well, the trauma that stems from seeing your lover happy all the time can be fatal. Here are five simple ways to help you cope.

Avoid going out:

It is essential to avoid hanging with friends and looking at them enjoying the single life. For a man, you end up reminiscing and wishing you had no woman to keep calling you on your Warid line asking you to call a policeman to watch you drive while talking on phone. It is better to keep indoors every single day and wait for her to sleep with someone else.

Think evil thoughts:

Think of getting married, having kids and living happily ever after. For a girl, such evil thoughts could help you reduce your man’s level of happiness immensely. When you notice he’s about to smile, ask how many kids he would like to have some day.

Pray:

When things are going so great, it is always good to turn to God and ask Him for less happiness and spiritual guidance during such trying moments.

Talk to jealous friends:

It’s healthy to talk to friends who always want the worst for your relationship. They’ll happily give you a shoulder to smile on while not shutting up about how they “told you so”. Keep away from those who want the best for you. They are the enemy.

Encourage your lover to visit their ex:

And lastly, it’s always good for people in a badly happy relationship to keep in touch with their exes. Not the flour (Though it could also be useful during fights). Exes will always have a magical way of condensing the happiness between you two. Which is good.

Good luck. Best of sadness.

How To Provoke Your Man

Ladies, does it break your heart to know that another girl is enjoying your man’s hate? That he gives you his stupid love and the hate you actually want is given to his ex? Do you envy her? Do you wonder how she managed to win his hate?

Well, ULK has decided to provide you with a complete manual on how to make your man hate and even slap you back into singleness. It’s very effective, by the way. Rihanna bought the first copy. Girls, presenting 10 easy ways to provoke your man.

1. The invitation:

So he has asked you to come hang with him at Cayenne. Call up all your friends immediately and tell them there are free chips, chicken and champagne at Cayenne. Instruct them not to eat or drink anything. Your boyfriend is very rich and he’ll take care of everything. No, he doesn’t have a job yet but he has money. It is generally accepted that the boyfriend species has money. Stop over asking funny questions.

2. The preparation:

So you told him you’d be there in 30 minutes. But you know that if you keep time in Uganda, you’re either from outside countries or you’re biologically impaired. And for you you’re normal. Take as much time as you don’t need getting ready. Tell your friends to come and prepare from your place. Then all of you should wait in line for the same bathroom. That way, you’ll take more time. Carry out elections for which clothes each of you should wear. And you know election results take time to come out.

3. The journey:

So you’re five chics all looking very hot. Hot chics don’t take bodas. Hell no! And the cab guys around your area are local. Call one from the City Square to come for you all the way in Kisaasi. It doesn’t matter that none of you can afford it. There’s a boyfriend at Cayenne.

4. The arrival:

So you’re now outside Cayenne and the cab guy wants his money. Call boyfriend. “Hey babe, I’m outside but I’ve come with a few friends if that’s okay. We need some transport to pay the cab guy.”

5. The ordering:

So you’re now seated. Two things are important at this point. One, you’re not having the cheap drinks you usually have at home. You’re out. Two, you’re not paying anything. You are with boyfriend. No Tuskers, no Smirnoffs and no Clubs. Those are cheap. Start with tequilas only. All of you. Order for something to eat too. Something expensive.

6. The hanging:

So you’re satisfied and have enough tequilas and beers to keep your friends going for some time. Boyfriend’s part is done. Start scouring the area for hotter guys. Remember, you look hot. You can’t waste your hotness on boyfriend. Eew! Go talk to that muscled guy seated next to the bar. Your friends can keep boyfriend company. What else does he want?

7. The other guy:

So he’s good company. But he doesn’t buy you drinks. The poor dude probably has no job and can’t afford much. Go ask boyfriend to buy you another drink. An expensive one. Take it to the poor dude.

8. The dancing:

So the poor dude probably has no one to dance with. His stupid girlfriend is probably out there hanging with someone else. Dance with the poor dude. Hold him tightly coz he looks like he needs to be loved.

9. The departure:

So it’s time to leave for home. The poor dude is probably going back alone. Take him somewhere behind the bar and kiss him passionately. His stupid girlfriend is probably out there kissing some other strange bastard. After you’re done, go back to boyfriend and ask him for some transport money for you and your friends. No, you can’t sleep at his place coz the beers have left you with a terrible headache.

10. The last straw:

“What do you mean I didn’t spend time with you? You looked like you didn’t want me around. I spent time with another guy and you didn’t try to call me back. Do you even care? I kissed him and you didn’t even stop me. It’s like you don’t love me anymore. You know what? Just give me transport for me and my friends and I’ll leave you alone!”