Category Archives: Las Divas Corporitas

Las Divas Corporitas: Oh The Immorality

 

 

 

There comes a time in every hot young newchick’s life when she has to bend down to pick something off the ground. This may happen when Alphonse is just walking into the room where the thing dropped. Miranda was halfway back up when she heard a voice behind her. A growling sound, like a zombie bajaj emerging from the bottom of a landfill. Only sleazier.

 

Alphonse: Eh heeeheeeheee.

Miranda: Oh, hello. Um Alphonse, yes? (She straightens up and is now upright, but he is still grinning lecherously)

Alphonse: How are you yes. So eeeeh heeeheeeheee heeeheeeheee. So how are you eeh fitting in eheee heeeheeeheee.

Miranda:I’m… um… adjusting quite well, actually. Dora keeps me very busy so I have had to get to know the place pretty fast. In fact I have these files to deliver to her right now I had better get going. (Hint, hint, hinty-hint-hint).

Alphonse: Eheee heeeheeeheee. So umm are you eeh settled in well eheee heee… (He seems to be drooling out of his eyes as well.)

Miranda: Oh. Ooow kaaaay. I talk a bit fast sometimes, don’t I? (Ka polite little giggle) That’s only when I have A Lot. Of work. To do. I was saying Dora is waiting. For these. Files. I had better get them to her. (Actually starts walking towards the space left in the door.)

Alphonse: (The guman doesn’t move.) Heeeheeeheee if you want to hellep you settle yin eheee you can orreys call me heeeeeeeeeeeh. (This one sounds as if he is trying to laugh. You know those laughs people use when they have said something that isn’t funny but they want it to be so they laugh at the end to make it seem more like a joke?)

Miranda: Health coverage here covers ear infections, doesn’t it?

Alphonse: By the way eeeemmm how do you like taking lunch eh?

Miranda: Orally I guess. (Then regretting using that word. Now looking around for a crowbar to use to dislodge him from the doorway)

Alphonse: I will come and we go for some lunch later. Heeeheeeheee (Now he sounds like those Nigerian chiefs in those movies. If it were not for the unfortunate drawback of him being broke he should be offering her a car right now.)

Miranda: Oh, yeah. Let me just take these files to Dora first yeah? Okay. Good. (Finally sees an opening and dashes out of the door)

Alphonse: eheeeee heeee.

 

 

How do you understand this one?

 

Barbara and Angella in their office area. They are at a computer. Whether working or not who knows.


Miranda: (Bursting in) You have got to hide me!

Barbara: Miranda, this is Angella. Angella, this is the new chick.

Angella: The frape-ninja, right? I am familiar with your work. Your kung fu is strong.

Miranda: You have got to hide me!

Miranda: Alphonse asked me to out to lunch

Angella:That’s weird.

Miranda: I know. He just showed up. He was staring at my butt so hard I could almost feel his eyes kneading into the flesh. I turned around so I was facing him but I could swear he was still staring at my ass.

Angella: No, that’s typical Alphonse. I mean it’s weird that he would ask. Normally he just informs you. Well, Bon Apetit

Barbara: Bring us a doggy bag.

Miranda: What? No! I don’t want to go. To spend an hour with this guy?

Angella: Why not? Go somewhere nice.

Barbara: And bring a doggy bag.

Miranda: No way. That guy has xray vision. I swear it.

Angella:Kale we ate on that guy’s lechery. Pity he threw us out.

Barbara: Yeah. Protea chicken was awesome.

Speak of the devil. Look who walks in.

Alphonse: Hello beaurriful ladies. Eheeeeeee

Miranda: Bye people. I’m off to have some morning sickness. I believe I was recently made pregnant. Bye.

Alphonse: Heeheee.

Las Divas Corporitas: The Office Meeting


Barbara has been at her computer for 45 minutes. Concentrating intently. However, she hasn’t touched her keyboard. The only thing moving is her mouse. Click click click.

Miranda walks up to her.

Miranda: (Silly question, really, but one has to start somewhere) You’re busy?

Barbara: (Not even looking away from the screen) No way. But since your little stunt last week, okay, our little stunt last week, okay actually your little stunt last week made them block facebook, I’ve been trying to make do with this Google plus nankani. Look, they have games.

Miranda:  (Peers at screen) Zombie Lane. Yeah, that’s an entertaining game. For like four days.

Barbara: I wish the zombies made a sound when you killed them. Like, wailing or something cool and gruesome.

Miranda: (Shuffles nervously) Um, Barbara, I’ve been sent to …

Barbara: They’ve told you to come and fetch me to attend their gu-meeting? These people have a lot of faith in your competences. Either that or they wanted you out of the room for half an hour so they could gossip kko about you. They  want to discuss whether you bought your hairpiece in Wandegs.

Miranda:  They told me to come and remind you to attend the meeting… and I got it at Centenary Park.

Barbara: Miranda, these meetings don’t just suck, they suck something! The life-force out of your bones, the vitality out of your soul; they suck intelligence, they suck actual intelligence out of your brains! You come out of an office meeting at least–  and this is demonstrable– at least 7 IQ points less than when you entered. What you are doing is reminding me that there is an opportunity to become stupid that I am supposed to attend. And which part of Centenary Park?

Miranda: There is a boutique that belongs to my aunt. But now I just go back and tell them what when they ask?

Barbara: (Turning back to the game) That you couldn’t find me. They probably expect me to be hiding anyway. I would have been in the gents right now, but this game is kind of addictive. The zombies die nicely.

Miranda: Yeah, especially when you use the laser on them.

Barbara: Which laser?

Miranda: Let me show you…

 

This is your brain on meetings

 

 

Meanwhile in the conference room:

Alphonse: (Short, round, wears glasses, is not even thirty but hairline is receding, talks as if he is campaigning for Guild President) But I think we should talk about how to map the way forward we need to consolidate our approach in a way that is in line with the gains made so as to maximize benefits.

Angella: (Has been fiddling with her blackberry the whole time) I thought we were still talking about people taking home sugar and toilet paper.

Alphonse: Some of us who don’t pay attention in meetings are causing a problem. If we don’t all move together as one, how are we going to achieve our goals? We need to all be in step if we are to reach our desired destination.

Angella: Me I don’t take home your sugar and toilet paper.

Alphonse: But it is..

Angella: For us in Naalya we have enough sugar in our houses, so that part doesn’t concern me. I think I can at least check my feed.

Alphonse: I move that we pass a resolution to impose a limit on these technological devices in our meetings.

Angella: That’s why these meetings take so long. Because instead of saying “phones” people want to say long words. That I hear “Technological devices”.

 

In meetings it comes out through the mouth

 

 

Miranda opens door softly and creeps in

Barbara comes in after her, swings door wildly open, slams it behind her.

Hellen: (Who has been chairing the meeting) Barbara, glad you could join us.

Barbara: Sorry I could only come in when you are about to end (Loaded hint)

Alphonse: Is it in order for members to beat the dowa like that when they come in late?

Angella: (Now quite pissed off) By the way, Alphonse, if you are not the one, you tell me—how much is a roll of TP in the shops, eh? How much is one roll?