Category Archives: How To: The Step-By-Step Guide

This Is How To Suck Up To Your Boss

Some day I’ll be your boss. Let me give you a minute to brood as the realization sinks in.

Now when I become your boss, you will be required to suck up to me and make me understand that you’re a filthy employee not worthy of my presence.

Get a pen and paper and write down the following tips on how to suck up to me when the time comes.

  • Laugh at my dreary jokes

If I point at a pen on my table and say that pen looks funny, you will laugh your lungs out because that will be the funniest thing you’ve ever heard in your life.

Chris Rock, Ricky Gervais and Katt Williams put together will have nothing on me.

 

  • When you see me, pretend to be busy

If I find you at the restaurant during your lunch break, frown immediately and pretend that something even as simple as eating is wasting your precious work time.

You can throw your knife and fork into the food disgustingly and push your plate away for effect. I will be happy.

 

  • Agree with everything I say

It doesn’t matter if you think I’m wrong. Just nod your head. In my company, my thoughts are the supreme limit of intelligence. Therefore if you think anything above what I’m thinking, you’ll be considered contemptuous and fired immediately (if you’re a man) or sexually abused later that evening (if you’re a woman).

Love everything I love and hate everything I hate.

 

  • Care about my life and everything in it

Ask me about my morning, and my wife and kids. Be happy after learning that they are all doing okay. Be sad and get to the brink of tears when you hear that my son has mild flu and is at home sleeping.

When you enter my office and see a picture of my wife on the table, tell me how dazzling she is. And don’t tell me my daughter looks beautiful. Generalize it to my kids look beautiful or I’ll get the wrong idea and overwhelm you with assignments that will make you wish you hadn’t entered my office that day.

 

  • Make me feel good about promoting you

If you’re a man, take some of your workmates out for a drink and gossip only good things about me. I don’t care if they hate you for breaking the hate-the-boss code. I promoted you and you’re not even a woman. Consider that my version of Jesus’ second coming.

If you’re a woman, I didn’t promote you because you deserved it. Don’t flatter yourself. Wear something shorter the next day and sit next to me during all company meetings. Every Friday night, forget your pen in my office and come back for it after everyone else has left. That pen will be crucial to your future success in my company.

 

How To Win in Dates in 12 Steps

 


 

This week’s post is brought to you by The Haven Restaurant, Ntinda. In fact it is so brought to you by the Haven Restaurant, Ntinda that is actually brought from there. As in I am sitting there right now as I type this. Spot. Here’s a picture.

 

How could you ever doubt me?

 

What is this Haven? It’s only the prettiest restaurant/ cafe in Eastern Kampala. This place is so cute, that if you take a babe there on a coffee date, she will, and I have seen it happen before with my own eyes, she will be 50 percent vibed before you even sit down.

As a matter of fact, that’s one of the points we have to discuss in this weeks revealing and educational post, so let’s get started with the Urrban Legend How To Guide. 12 Steps to Sucess in Absolutely Anything. Today, How To Not Suck On A Coffee Date!

 

1. Be Sober. There’s nothing particularly dangerous about being drunk on a date. If the people you are dating is also drunk. But here, you will be across the room from a sober person. Being blazed? Not a good look, son.

2. Show some chivalry. Now, this doesn’t work in a kafunda, or a nightclub or a bar. Because chivalry in those places means having a fight on her behalf when some lout thinks he is Golola Moses. I don’t advise this. You think you are fighting to protect her honour? How much honour is protected when she is known from that point on as the chick of the guy who got meleed at Guvnor?

That’s why I like coffee shops. People don’t fight at coffee shops. People don’t even get mad here. It’s too calm.  You can’t even type out a shell on facebook when you are here. I used to come here when Twakoowa was hot. I think that’s when I left Twakoowa. Back to the issue.

3. Chivalry. Since you have suggested that you have class by bringing her to a coffee shop, confirm it by pulling out her seat. This is a cool, chivalrous thing to do. You will be like Hugh Grant and Colin Firth and all those stuttering Brits that women like.

4. If you pull out the chair and she doesn’t sit on it, and insted she goes and sits on another seat, don’t worry. It just means you got a local chick who doesn’t know these things. Don’t worry. Proceed with the date.

5. Conversation. Now, a lot of dating advice columnists will tell you to just be yourself. No, not if you suck. Be somebody else. I would suggest somebody cooler than you. Somebody charming.  Have you ever heard of Ted Moseby?

6. If you do not know who that is, you are doing reeeeally badly. I suggest you abandon the date right there, leave her, and find a way to cross the time space continuum so you can join us in the 21st Century.

7. He’s a character in the sitcom How I Met Your Mother. Kyokka Ugandans. UMEME gives you all this electricity and you can’t even use it to watch constructive educationsl DVDs? Instead you play Lady Gaga mp3s. KTM too much.

8. How I Met Your Mother is about this guy and his myriad romantic adventures, a man who flits from date to date in pursuit of the love of his life, who gets to mother his children. He is a lousy New York scrub who just dates a lot. Episode after episode.

9. This makes him the MASTER of coffee shop dates. He  is a coffee shop date ninja masta. He is so sleek at it, that he regularly vibes chicks without them even knowing.

In action

 

That’s why they call the show How I Met Your Mother. The man has two kids, and yet, even after eight seasons, even he  doesn’t know where he got them. He just knows that somewhere, somehow, he vibed a chick into giving him kids. Twice.

10. Memorise his speeches, learn to mimic his facial expressions. Study Ted, Learn Ted. Be Ted.

11. Meet your date in a nice coffee shop. Having memorised all Ted’s scripts from eight seasons, answer every thing she says with the Ted speech that will fit.

 

12. Take her to your parents, marry her, have kids. Maximum three. Tukooye population explosion sausage.

 

 

Visit The Haven Cafe on the Ntinda-Kiwatule road. Check out the Haven on Facebook here to find out

about special promotions free wi-fi

How To Be A Cinema Douche in 12 Steps.

 

How To Behave In A Movie Cinema. If you are a douchebag.The Urban Legend 12 step Guide to Success in Every Single Thing has your back on this.
So, let’s get started.

1. Pick a good movie. The scope of damage you cause by being a douchebag during a bad movie is minimal.

2. If you want to know if a movie is going to suck, check and see if Nicolas Cage stars in it. Everything he does these days sucks. I don’t know how, or why or who he pissed off among the witchdoctors of Hollywood’s version of Masaka, but that guy is never going to make a movie again that will not suck all the shit out of the back of the biggest ass in the field of suckswine pigs that graze on bogus in the land of lousy films. True story.

 

You owe me money, you wad!

3. Buy a large bag of popcorn. Open your mouth wide, put some in, and chew. DO NOT CLOSE YOUR MOUTH AT ANY POINT. Chew with your mouth wide open. I swear you will be the biggest douche in the cinema if you do it well.

4. Tell at least fourteen people to call you at around 7:45pm. This is usually the point when the movie is advancing to the second act and some crucial piece of dialogue is about to be spoken. Unless the movie stars Nic Cage, in which case some trite and contrived vacant ballsack of weak dialogue is about to collapse onto the face of his costar. If it’s Nic Cage these days, then this is the point where everyone is beginning to cry inside, realising that Castor Troy, Memphis Raines, Cameron Poe and even Yuri Orlov are dead and they are rolling around in their graves. However, if you paid attention to the points above, you should be interrupting a good, and not a shite movie.

5. So your fake bu-friends will call you at this moment. I hope you remembered to use one of those Chinese dual-sim phones. They have the most annoying ringtones in all of technology.

5.5. You may have noticed some grammatical errors in this article so far. Sorry about that. I’m posting at night while hungry. I will fix them after my office meeting Tuesday.

6. Talk to other people, even the ones who are not on the phone. What you say depends on two things. Have you watched the film before? If so, then do like VJ Jingo and tell us what is going on as if we don’t have our own eyes with our own retinas and cannot understand. Say things like, “Hah! He doesn’t know that Optimus Prime is not really dead. He is actually just hiding under the Statue of Liberty’s skirt. You wait and see.”

7. If you have not watched the movie, ask everyone what his up. “Eh eh? Now where is he hiding? Mama, a huge robot like that and mbu it just goes and hides in the middle of a whole city? Let them stop lying us. Twakowa! Heh heh heh.”

It is a very douchy thing to do, this: to pay money and use highly-priced fuel to go to a cinema film about giant talking robots that are also trucks and then act as if you are too intellectual and sophisticated to be impressed by giant talking robots that are also trucks. The shouting “Twakowa” is an extra touch of douchiness, because saying a long-tired worn-out joke phrase and then laughing to yourself right after is like a championship level douchebag manouver. I’m sure Didier Drogba himself does it all the time. **

 

D. Bagba

8. This article is getting to be too long.

9. Keep talking. This time talk to the characters on the screen. Saying “Wapi!” and “Olimba!” are great ways to douchebag the movie experience. But if you want to be creative, add “Are you sure?” every time one character says something really deeply.
“I don’t care if the Russians get the damn coordinates and launch the missiles and nuke Detroit! You mean more to me than all the cities on the planet! I love you!”
Now just pierce the following silence by saying, “Are you sure?”

10. Then laugh at your own cleverness. This is a level of doucheness that even Piers Morgan would applaud.

11. Okay. We have reached the end now. Last point is, of course, spoilers.

12. Voldermort kills Harry in the end.

** I want to thank KK aka killajams on X-it XFM for that insult to Drogba. Thank you boss.

12 Steps to Success. How To Be A Watchman

Our readers, according to reputable market survey firm (called Facebook) are posh, elegant, stylish, cultured bourgeoisie snobs who sometimes even eat kabalagala with both a fork and a knife at the same time. They live the lifestyle of ballers and high rollers. Some of them even know the lyrics to pop songs. Others call them relics, but we don’t discriminate. Wamma you read. And eat kabs with mayonnaise.

However, as you have heard ad nauseum, our economy is going through a rough patch. It is possible that you yuppies, or you university students studying to be yuppies, or you professionals, all you ballers out there will soon need to supplement your income with a night job.

In the good old days

 

So, the Urban Legend How To Guide today brings you How to Become a Night Watchman in 12 Steps.

 

  1. Unlearn. Education, it has been said, probably by a very educated man, sucks. It ruins your mind. It narrows your imagination and curtails your curiosity, it trains you to think inside the box. And the box sucks.
  2. Education being a bitch in the ass is one thing, but they say the only thing worse than education is lack of education. Because without it now you are illiterate and wide open to the lies us educated people come up with. Like how last Idd, Shafik, one of my neighbours (he’s an architect) convinced Mama Blenda, the chick who comes around to wash clothes, that anyone who works on a public holiday has to work for free.
  3. However, you cannot be a security guard with an education. Why not? That’s exactly the sort of behavior that is going to cost you your job. Asking questions. Asking questions leads to gaining information, which counts as being educated. So stop asking.
  4. Add to that being mean. Develop a desire to destroy things purely at random. Nurture that part of you that likes to see blood gush out of holes.
  5. Learn to make holes in flesh. You can do this using a ssasilimu rifle, we think. We have never actually seen those antiques shoot anybody, and from the looks of them, we doubt that they would even bruise skin. Probably just itch. But a bow and arrow looks lethal enough. I suggest you get the bow and arrow. Have you seen the trailer for Immortals? Besides the fact that that movie is going to rock eyes,it also motivates security guards.

    Mean business

  6. Now learn laziness. A large part of the job of a security guard is getting deeply engaged in a process called fwaa. The best security guards are experts at this, and if you want to do it, you have to do it well. You have to engage fwaa very deeply. Don’t just do fwaa. You have to be fwaa.In fact don’t just be fwaa. Be there like fwaa.
  7. Now, while you are as such, the mulodi is going to arrive at the gate with their car. You are hired to guard the house from thieves—that is the main priority on your portfolio—but you are also expected to open the gate, as if the mulodi doesn’t have hands and can’t open his own damn gate.
  8. When mulodi arrives, he or she will hoot. You hate that. Because it wakes you up.
  9. First shuffle, adjust your nuts (where applicable) grunt and shuffle slowly to the gate. Take your sweet time. Mulodi has a car stereo and there is music to entertain him/her or them. No hurry.
  10. While you were dilly-dallying carjackers surrounded Muloodi’s car. They are trying to steal it. Quick! The bow and arrows. Shoot! Shoot everywhere! Shoot everything!
  11. Now everyone is dead. The robbers, muloodi, everyone. What have you done! Wring your arms, wail in anguish! Rend your heart apart with remorse! Squeal in moral agony!
  12. Then figure that man, the economy is tough, man, so go through their wallets, take everything and vanish. Get a job in the next trading centre.

The ULK Charity Bucket: Donating Tips On How To Save Money

If, by now, you don’t know that almost every basic commodity in the country is pricey, congratulations. You are the president’s child. Go claim your cut of family riches. No, don’t worry about the way he looks at you. Tell him to stop doubting you and act responsibly because your DNA was fully tested and certified by the people at ULK.

If you are not the president’s kid, you’re probably going to hell. And you have to start paying for your sins by buying everything expensively. But not to worry. For us who are going to heaven always like to help disadvantaged sinners like you. God bless us.

We are running a charity drive asking all the kindhearted to please donate a tip on how to save money in these tough times. So far, we have compiled 13 infallible tips and if you have any more to share, please throw them into the charity bucket in the comments section down there.

Why 13 reasons? Because people tend to discriminate the number 13. It has feelings too, you know?

 

  1. A wrong ATM card PIN is your friend. Let the machine swallow your card
  2. A good looking pair of shoes is your enemy. Buy it and throw it away so that you don’t get tempted to spend on it again
  3. Use condoms sparingly. Have sex in small, reasonable bits
  4. Save toilet paper. Use both sides
  5. Thieves are on your side. Let them take your money so you don’t spend it stupidly
  6. Don’t buy things you don’t need. What’s a 21-inch CRT TV for? Get a wall mountable 70-inch flat screen digital Plasma LG with 7-speaker stereo and bass surround sound
  7. Don’t waste electricity. Go and watch TV from your neighbour’s house
  8. Don’t waste water. Carry your pupu to the neighbour’s toilet and flash it from there
  9. Don’t waste food. If you don’t want it, go and buy it for other people
  10. Don’t waste anything that hasn’t expressly asked you to waste it. Yes, you need to go get those banana peels you threw in the dust bin and give them a warm place to stay and good food to eat till that time when they decide for themselves that life is not worth living anymore
  11. Buy a gun or a knife so that when that askari at Nakumatt arrests you, he will have saved you from spending precious money. Or he will kill you, which is an even better money saving initiative
  12. Say NO to your problems. They normally don’t like rejection so they’ll go away. Some may plead to stay but don’t listen

Then I don’t know how this last one is supposed to help exactly but we will publish it anyway:

13. Learn to save and stop spending carelessly

 

12 Steps To Success: How To Maintain Hygiene In The Workplace

Today we are going to talk about How To Maintain Hygiene In The Workplace, because to his is avery important issue, especially in a developing country like ours. This is the Urban Legend 12 Step Guide to Success in Absolutely Anything and it’s going to teach you how to do this. So pay attention.

 

 

That us at ours we have. You at your do you have.

 

  1. Water Coolers. Some of us have seductively modern machines with large bottles of mineral water in them making “gloub” sounds loudly  in the corners of our offices. The is a great temptation to drink water from this magnificent machine and thus prove that you are a high-tech Ugandan not like this riff-raff who probably still have a nayikonto at their home. This is your  first mistake.
  2. Because mineral water from these machines does not stay in the body. It circulates through the system and, in an average of 2h 34.6min per glass (ref:United Nations International Water Survey 2010) you will need to remove it. This is why most workplace hygiene efforts are focused on getting this water out of your knickers/boxers and into a hole in the wall.
  3. There is no office building in Uganda that has enough toilets to handle all the traffic. There are always too many people to guarantee that every single time you head for the loo you will find a stall available. There is always a chance, especially if you keep chugging at the free mineral water as if you have never seen such and are probably from Namilyango where local chaps come from, that you will, at some point in the course of the day, rush to the loo, only to find all the stalls closed.
  4. When this happens you will look around frantically for an alternative. One thought thought will occur to you. It will seem like a good  idea at the time.
  5. But I don’t think you should do it. Because, first of all, if you are a woman, entering the men’s loos constitutes an act of sexual assault and you can be held culpable for anything from rape to felony impregnation according to the penal code of the Republic of Uganda (Ref: State Vs Nalukenge 1971).
  6. If you are a man, rushing into the women’s loos is not allowed unless you have been invited there for sex.
  7. Sex in the women’s loos is referred to mostly as a “tryst” and is awesome.
  8. No. No. Not the window. Definitely not the window.
  9. No, they will not think it is raining. We all know what rain smells like and what rain doesn’t smell like.
  10. Well, unless you work on the second floor of a building on Nakasero Road where everything smells of piss.
  11. Otherwise you will need a place to pee. Now, some of our readers are still in university, or are retired, or are engaged in private business etc. These readers have not related so far because they are used to just peeing in bushes or,  if Kampala International University finally got latrines, then in the latrines. They will not understand some of the issues we are talking about here, but in the corporate world there is always that one person, that ONE PERSON who just gets on your very last nerve every single day and every day you leave that place knowing that it is only Grace, the Grace of the Almightly that gave you strength to not commit a homicide.
  12. This workmate usually has a mug which they use for their tea…

 

12 Step Guide: How To Hang at Sean Kingston

The 12-step Guide to Success in Absolutely Everything is taking a turn. We are, for once, not going to joke around and fall off on tangents. We are going to give you solid, reliable, logical, intelligent advice for real.

Kyeekyo!

 

  1. Learn the songs. It is infuriating when the sweaty, spastic, vodka-soaked B.O. dispenser next to you in the crowd insists on chanting the wrong lyrics. If you sing “Batty-batty-batty love love” you will cause and suffer from a stampede.
  2. Kingston himself will leap from the stage to suplex you if you sing wrong things. If you don’t know what a suplex is because you only watch Worship on Channel 44 and not WWE is on, please click on this link and get edified.

    A German Suplex

  3. If you are the aforementioned sweaty, spastic etc (and you will be. There is no soap that exists that enables Ugandans to stay smelling normal when in concert kayoola sections) then you must not care. At some point in the show you will be instructed to wave your hands up in the air. You will wonder, “How should I wave said hands? What format? What methodology?” Refer to above. Wave them like you just don’t care.
  4. If someone next to you sings “Kyeeeeekyo!” During Face Drop, stampede and suplex. Memba dat.
  5. If you are a girl, check your figure. If your ass is bangin’, wear the appropriate clothing.  The dollar rate is rising, hemlines should follow suit. Kampala has mob beautiful girls. Let’s see if we can make him suicidal.
  6. If you are one of the lucky people (press, showbiz professional, showbiz professional’s entourage, Club employee, groupie etc) who have backstage access and you see him, you must shout “Ayo Sean, You Mista Kingston!” at him. He may not answer, by the way. He might think you are calling somebody else because did you know that Sean Kingston is not his real name? The 21-year-old artist was actually born as Kisean Anderson. Say “Gwe ki-Sean!” He won’t get the joke, though.
  7. If you see a stern-looking woman sitting on the side of the stage looking at her watch, don’t worry. She’s not lost and she’s not here for you. She’s dude’s mother. You see, Sean Kingston  is very young. He was born in 1990, so that makes him, unless the mathematics I learned from Mrs Wambuzi is faulty, exactly 14 years old.
  8. Be friendly and hospitable to his team, the people who came with him. They probably know very little about Uganda, and the little they know they got from TV, youtube, Urban Legend and the poisonous propaganda dispersed by the enemies of the Movement abroad etc, so it is up to us to show them what Uganda is really about. I suggest that you take them to historic sites and landmarks. Like the place where the truck overturned in the Full Full Condition video.
  9. There is a chap who looks just like Sean Kingston in Aga Khan High. His name is Alex Omonya. He is going to try to get in for free. Alert the authorities.
  10. At some point you will be asked, “Yaganda, how y’all feelin’? Ya feelin alright?” or “Kimparlough, how y’all feelin? Ya feelin alright?” Just say you are feeling fine and cheer. Don’t give us a blog post about your emotional history. We don’t have time.
  11. Tweet and post facebook updates. It is very important.
  12. At the end of it all, tell your boda to move at a reasonable speed. And if you have been drinking too much, oba just park and you go home in the morning. It’s a very stupid think to drive drunk.

 

The Urban Legend How To Guide: 12 Step Guide To Success. How To Fill Sudoku

Sudoku is a sign of intelligence and filing in a sudocku puzzle is a way of showing that you have real brains and not a mix of fine porridge, gravy and fat in there. If you wish to have the respect and admiration of your peers, if you want their love and if you crave the sex of some of them, then you should learn Sudoku. Here is how.

 

  1. Understand what Sudoku is. This is going to be easy.  I can tell you. It’s a mathematical, or rather, a numerical puzzle where people fill in numbers that are missing from a grid. Sudoku grids are avaialable on the internet and in some local newspapers.
  2. Pick a level of difficultly. The levels include: beginners, easy, intermediate and advanced. Each level will go some way in achieving your goal of using Sudoku to look intelligent and  impress  the girls in your hostel, class, office, bible study or cell block. (It may also help girls try to impress guys. Some guys are attracted to smart women. I swear. There are such guys out there. I am not lying. I was told that there are such guys out there.
  3. Don’t chose beginner. Chosing beginner actually makes people think you are dumb. Even if they themselves are not able to do even a quarter of that Sudoku for Babies puzzle you are halfway through, if they see the word “beginner” they will snort with scorn and label you an idiot.  Why? Cos haters gon hate, that’s why. Go straight for advanced.
  4. Get yourself a basic education. I am sure you are functionally illiterate, but you need more than that. You need numeracy as well. You could enroll in a school if you like. It’s free these days. (NRM oyee, I think.) Enroll for a UPE course.
  5. You don’t have to pay attention to all the lessons. During Science, SST and English, you can spend that time reading Urban Legend on your tablet PC, but pay attention during maths.

    sexy, huh?

  6. Get bored. It’s math class. Yawn.
  7. Download a Sudoku puzzle from the internet. You can get a Sudoku app for your tablet PC from the apple market or from the Android market. But if you don’t want to be that awesome, you can just buy a newspaper and find a Sudoku puzzle in it.
  8. Attempt to fill it in correctly.
  9. Say fukkit and just put in random numbers. I mean, seriously, this stuff is hard. It’s not easy. As in it’s hard!
  10. You need to understand your surroundings. Are there many people in the area who don’t  know Sudoku? If there are, then just leave the filled-in puzzle lying around for them to see and think that eh banange you are a clever person who does not leave blank spaces in Sudoku. Some of them might decide to sleep with you, and that will be nice. At the very least, they will be impressed by the tablet.

    Oooh, yeah.

  11. There are some people who will notice that the puzzle has not been filled in correctly. Some might notice that “W” is not a number, for example. Say, “She is getting uncomfortably close to the truth. We must silence her before she knows too much.” Say this either to your sidekick or to your dark alter ego. Make sure you dispose of the body quietly.
  12. There is a corner of Nkulambiro that is very seedy. I don’t mean to abet any crimes, but a random dead body dumped in a gutter there will not raise suspicion. I’m just saying…

 

How To Play Baskteball in 12 Steps. Next time And1 comes…

If you had been at the recent And-1 exhibition game at YMCA, you would have noticed how many Ugandans love basketball, and how much they admired the players, and you may have thought to yourself, “My sense of self-worth is very low. I need the constant approval of strangers in order to feel complete as a person. I want to be considered a star. I should learn to play this game.”

Well, you have come to the right place. It’s the Urban Legend 12-Step Guide to Success in Absolutely Everything. Today, How To Play Basketball.

 

  1. You need the right equipment. This means large red balls. Now, I know that joke was very obvious, but I just had to get it out of the way. Don’t sneer, it is there in the constitution of humour writing—you are not allowed to write about sports without attempting a joke about testicles.

    You see?

  2. You need palms the size of an ordinary man’s foot. The best way to get large hands is genetically, but if this fails, then you must avoid watching Tom and Jerry. Tom and Jerry will just give you stupid ideas, like making you think if you bang your fist with a hammer it will expand. That does NOT happen in reality (ref: wikipedia) and may actually lead to a great amount of pain instead.
  3. If you have little girl handlets, don’t play basketball. Go play Ludo with Barbie dolls. (This point applies to men. If you are a woman, ignore it or it will be sexist).
  4. The good news is that you don’t have to be tall to play basketball. In fact, if you are short, this just makes it harder for the tall players to “guard” you. So the next step is don’t worry about your height.
  5. Now, you need to know the rules. They include: No travelling, no double-dribble, no backcourt violation, no carrying and if you feel the need for a snack during the game, make sure you first pass the ball to a teammate before you take the box of Nice Biscuits out of your jockstrap.
  6. Do not offer your teammates biscuits that you had been storing in your jockstrap. Eugh.

    You see!

  7. I forgot to mention teammates. In a regulation basketball game, you have to get four other guys to play on your team. You don’t have to pay them, but if you insist, me and three other legends can be convinced.
  8. The purpose of the game is to “shoot” the basketball into the “hoop”. The basketball is just made of rubber and air, so a small-calibre weapon can do this if your aim is good.
  9. Women find basketball players very sexy, so deodorize thoroughly before and after each game, so that the sex you have does not make the lady too uncomfortable.
  10. If you really want to impress the chicks then you should learn how to dunk. Dunking is different from the regular way of scoring. Normal scoring involves throwing the ball and aiming it carefully so that it falls neatly into the little round hoop. In dunking you just go up and put in the ball.
  11. Shave your armpits.
  12. Go to America to join an NBA team so that you can become obscenely wealthy from endorsement deals and when that happens, remember that I’m the one who taught you everything you know and send me regular cheques. In dollars. Shilling is depreciating now.

    Seriously. How the hell do you NOT make ball jokes?

 

12-Steps To Success: How To Dread Locks.

It’s the infamous Urban Legend How-To Guide. Twelve steps to success in pretty much everything there is. You want to know how to do it, Urban Legend and Keko are the ones who know. This week we teach the universe How To Get Dreadlocks.

 

 

1. Jah Rastafari!

2. There are two ways of getting dreadlocks in your hair. Pick one of these two ways.

3. One way is to just not do anything. Don’t do anything to your hair. Don’t cut it, don’t wash it, don’t comb it, just leave it alone. It will eventually find itself in a style of dreadlocks. This style of dreadlocks is called “filthy”, and if you are a big fan of lice, it’s going to be perfect for you.

4. However if you plan to move in society without us throwing things at you, you might opt for the other type: hygienic dreadlocks. These are harder to achieve.

 

 

5. Take a look at your birth certificate and make sure you are not a male above the age of 36. Getting dreadlocks involves growing your hair profusely, and if you are a male above 36 you are looking at less hair in the near future, not more, so you might want to forget your dreams of dreads. But if you are above 36 you should be used to letting go of your dreams by now.

6. If you are youthful or female (or both) then you can proceed with the next step, which is to grow your hair long. This can be difficult in school or the army or in a strict workplace with a dress code, so you have to take measures to conceal the fact that you are developing a bit of a wild afro. I suggest converting temporarily to a cultic religion which insists that adherents cover their heads at all times. Like Legio Maria. These guys wear full cotton robes and tunics of bright green head to toe. If your teacher objects, remind said teacher that there is no power in the land above the constitution which guarantees you freedom of worship.

 

Legio Maria: a real sect. Click the pic and Wik...

 

7. When you have enough hair, convert back to whatever religion or state of godless heresy you previously enjoyed.

8. Sit down and patiently tease and separate and then twist chunks of the hair into individual locks. Do this regularly and repeatedly and frequently.

9. Affiliate yourself to a local dancehall ragga crew. There are a number to choose from. You could go to Goodlyfe, Leone Island and Firebase if you don’t mind pimping and /or sacrificing live goats to the lake. Or if you want to be where the most magnificent musician of all time is, join Gagamel Entertainment and offer to be one of Bebe Cool’s bootlickers. Bebe Cool is not a smug, arrogant, overgrown infant with anger-control issues and an ego the size of Pandora. Mbu.

10. Learn to react with patience and understanding when every taxi tout and bodaboda you meet expects you to know where the nearest marijuana depot is.

 

11. You don’t have to smoke marijuana if you don’t want to. That is a stereotype perpetuated by the  music industry. Not everyone who has dreadlocks knows where the weed is. In fact, remember when we said join a dancehall crew? We take that back.  Don’t pander to the stereotype. Say no to drugs. You hear that, Streets? Stop giving them drugs.

12. However, you should learn a few choice words in Jamaican patois if you are going to have dreadlocks, otherwise it is a waste. Wapgwan Natty Dread, ca you don kno se we a gon bun down Babylan. Jah fire com down. Wikkid. Alla dem righchoss bridren onna Zion train. Byebe Cool him a di mos magnificent musician inna di contry dem. Jah!