Have you ever felt the need to make a cocktail? Have you ever been to a school where they teach you how to do so? Have you not? Do you know how to make a cocktail? When you feel the need to make one, do you just collapse in tears because you are useless in this context?
That deejay who talks during the raps and then keeps quiet during the chorus? Cut it out. Jigga didn’t get a grammy because your lwali was more important than his lyrics. That wasn’t relevant to cocktails I just thought that since he might be reading, I might as well make the point.
Here is the Urban Legend 12 Step Guide To Success in Nearly Everything. How To Make A Cocktail.
1. Much like the scriptwriting and acting of The Ebonies, the foundation of any cocktail is strong alcohol. Trying to make a cocktail without alcohol will be like expecting to come up with titles like Obnoxious Imbroglio without shooting zambukas all the way through lunch as they doubtless do.
2. No, good alcohol. You can keep the V&A for another occasion, like when you need to shampoo kittens or whatever soft and tender stuff wusses do. We need something strong. Real liquor.
3. Patriotism should come to play. Waragi is a great idea. Get Waragi.
4. Now, to concoct an original cocktail you have to think creatively. You cannot just repeat what everyone else has done before. You have to be spontaneous and daring and plumb the the dark, sinister, hithertofore unexplored depths of your imagination.
Or just be spontaneous and daring and plumb the dark sinister depths of Katanga and get some crude Waragi. Now we’re talking.
5. Now that we have the foundation, we need to do what is known as balancing the texture. This is when you introduce something that does not feel like the alcohol. An easy choice would be Mango Splash, because it has a very different texture. It doesn’t feel like alcohol. It feels like mucus, but it has been done many times before and, remember, we are thinking outside the box.
6. I am willing to bet no one has ever made a cocktail with Safi.
If you don’t know what Safi is, then either the economy has been very good to you and you only drink things sold in Javas, or the economy has kicked you totally in the nutsack. You don’t know Safi? Not even on Christmas?
7. With the crude Waragi and the Safi what you have is not a cocktail. What you have is punched K. You have more work to do. But first put in more K.
8. Now we are getting to the tough part. What is it about this cocktail that will make it stand out? That will make it unique? You need to create distinction. Much in the way a fashion designer creates unique and distinct clothes. So put in some cooking oil.
Don’t worry. Fashion designers don’t give a shit either. They also just throw there whatever they find.
9. Now throw in some curry powder also. Squeeze a potato and drip in the juice. I think yoghurt can also fit in the glass. Is that aloe vera? Bring. Mix it all in. This is the most creative cocktail ever made.
10. It’s creative but it probably tastes like crap. If you want people to drink this, you should put in a bit more Waragi.
11. First sample it a bit. Then clean up the vomit.
12. Name your cocktail.