Category Archives: How To: The Step-By-Step Guide

Condom Shortage In Uganda: How To Have Sex The Economically Friendly Way

Kids in Uganda are starving, ADF rebels have regrouped for fresh attacks, Egypt is politically unstable and now we know why. There’s a new shortage of condoms in the country. People are stranded and the world economy is on the brink of eternal collapse cos there seems to be no solution.

300 condoms

Well, there is. Get the popcorn. Below are the top ten UNBS-approved ways to curb the condom problem by having sex in a cost-saving manner:

1. The most common method is to wash your condom after use and use it again. And wash it again and use it again. And wash it again and use it again till it hits retirement age.

2. Don’t use the condom alone. Use it together with your partner.

3. Have sex sparingly. You can have half of it in the morning and then complete the other half later in the evening.

4. Outsource all sexual activities. You can hire interns to have sex on your behalf.

5. Have sex with people in exchange for condoms.

6. Wait for your neighbor to finish having sex and then knock to ask if they are done using their condom so you can borrow.

Sexual neighbour

7. Collect all your sex from the past, present and future and have it at once. Just like bulk SMS, bulk sex is cost-effective and comes with great discounts.

8. To avoid STDs, avoid STDs.

9. Alternatively, you can have sex quietly. That way, the viruses won’t hear you.

10. To avoid pregnancy, don’t pick up when she calls the next day.

 

Merry Christmas & Happy Intercourse!

The Summers’ Guidebook: How To Lie That You’ve Been Outside Countries And Get Away With It

For normal people, it’s easy to go outside countries. You just go to the airport, ask where planes going to your destination are parked, get on a plane of your choice, pay the conductor and go.

For Ugandans, however, it’s a whole different sausage. To go outside countries, all they do is change accents and then they become summers*. What they forget is the industry of going outside countries has continuously evolved into something much much bigger than just changing accents.

Ku siteegi

For instance, if you want people to know you visited London without revealing that it was actually London Pub in Kabalagala, simply follow the instructions below:

1. Start by disappearing. Buy a bunch of DVDs, lock yourself in the house for a week and switch off your phone.

2. For some, however, switching off the phone could prove tricky cos you have to call the DVD guy and complain about the Chinese subtitles. So it’s okay. Keep the phone on. But when people call, always make sure there’s a 5-second-delay between their questions and your answers. They should know that your words first have to board a plane before reaching them.

3. Even when you type your messages, the letters should be at least 5cm apart.

4. And whenever you update your Facebook, make sure your location is set to “Outside Countries”.

5. As soon as you come out of hiding, change your accent. Make sure there’s ‘r’ in every word. It doesn’t matter that it’s British. By law. all outside accents have to have an ‘r”.

6. “IT WAS NICE TALKING TO YOU” is wrong. “IRT WARRZ NRRICE TARRRKING TOR YOURRRRR” is correct. For a more comprehensive tutorial, tune in to the nearest Ugandan English radio station.

7. In every conversation you bump into, drop the name of something famous from outside countries. When you walk into a room of people talking about malaria in Nakapiripirit district, tell them about the Eiffel Tower you saw the other day in New York when you flew to London.

8. At this point, you may notice a confused look on their faces that almost borders anger. That’s good. It’s the “Eh mama!” look. It means they’re envious. Pull a chair and show them some pictures of other beautiful places you visited. But make sure they have no watermarks. Google Images tends to do that sometimes.

If you’ve followed instructions above, congratulations! You’re officially a summer. We wish you a pleasant stay in Uganda.

PS: This guidebook also applies to people who have travelled to countries that can just as well be reached by road. Those are not outside countries. They are districts whose funds were swindled before they could be set up.

UgaDic

*Summer

/ˈsəmər/

  • Noun
 A Ugandan who buys an American accent on the black market but forgets the instruction manual.
  • Verb
To do a summer on your friends because for them they are fake and you’re original.
  • Synonyms
Radio presenter – Even TV – Robin Kisti – That other chap on Urban TV – Dudes trying to impress chicks.

Who Or What Is Iron Man 3?

You have heard everyone talking about how torn they are that they went for Iron Man and found it sold out. You have seen the fire in their eyes and felt the spittle that splashed out of their mouths. You have wondered at the irony of this rain coming from water. You have stopped at the word Irony and said, “Heh.”

Let us explain.

Define Terms: Iron Man is a man called Tony Stark who made a garment two flicks ago that flies. It is like Ovlo. Muzungu Tapama. But, unlike regular Ovlo (Muzungu Tanya) this one was made of Iron, a ferrous metal mineral.

The Ovlo

The Ovlo

Why? Because then it could be used as a machine and it could fly,  shoot niggas when they are acting the fool, and stuff like that.

Did it work? Yes.

Being badass

Billion dollar badassness

What are the advantages and disadvantages of Iron Man?

Advantages include the fact that Tony Stark is a douchebag with money who doesn’t give a damn. That doesn’t sound like an advantage but you watch the way Robert Downey Jr plays it. He makes being a selfish, conceited, jerk look so cool, I am sure half the people who left the cinema were saying to themselves, “I am never going to be a nice person any more. From now on I am going to be a total prick. Yeah!”

The other half didn’t say this because they were already pricks.

In fact that is a disadvantage actually. To society at large, not to the quality of the movie.

So what are the advantages? VIOLENCE!! Lot’s of it. Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Blow up stuff! Blow up stuff! Blow up stuff! Man!

Toosh toosh!

Toosh toosh…and the helicopter died

Assess the dialogue: Shane Black is the director of this film. He is known for writing world-weary elderly law enforcers who are teamed up with wild, manic, outta-control partners in unlikely companionships. Sometimes the old guy is black and the other one is white (Lethal Weapon) sometimes the other way round (Last Boy Scout.)

This time he has Robert Downey Jr and Don Cheadle, two of the most magnetic actors on screens today, so we expect Shane Black to give us great dialogue.

Did he deliver? No. The banter was as lively and sparkling as wet fish. Which is to say it was not.

Sounds like you didn’t like the movie:  Are you kidding? I loved it. Violence is so so glamorous! I swear. I love watching things shoot stuff and explode.

What about character development and stuff? They had two movies to develop the characters. Either this time they either didn’t feel the need to waste time on that, or Shane Black doesn’t know how to. Did I mention that this is the guy who made Lethal Weapon? Have you watched Lethal Weapon? It’s about two undeveloped characters who shoot some things and make other things explode. Only they say cool stuff while doing it.

What Happened To Samuel L Jackson? The great Samuel L Jackson was not in this movie. He was in the first two, and in fact, he was boss in the first one in spite of being in it for like only two seconds. But in this one nara.  Not even a cameo by the eye that was missing in the previous two.

And Scarlett Johanssen?: Even her. No sign. Yet she was at least one and a half stars of Iron Man 2 and The Avengers which, we have already told you was the REAL Iron Man 3. At least kko a cameo banange? Tuswala. Really.

Vice Scarlett

Although Vice Scarlett is not so bad either

12 Steps To Success: How To Be A Security Guard

It is The Urban Legend 12 Step Guide to Success in Whatever You Do: Leggo.

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  1. Think of all the people who have ever pissed you off since you were a kid and hate them. Hate them a lot. Hate them all day long.
  2. Now with all that hatred and evil and loathing making your heart black and heavy and stonehard, go and apply for a job with a security firm.
  3. When they give you a  contract, you will see the part where it says in the job description “check people entering premises”. Cross out the word “check” and replace it with the words “molest sexually”.
  4. Get a uniform and see if it fits.
  5. Then either lose weight or gain weight—whichever is easier to make sure that the uniform does not fit at all.
  6. Remember that teacher who caned you when they caught you shooting mpafu in P3.
  7. Get stationed outside an office or mall or bank or some other place where innocent civilians tend to pass. Maybe even a church.
  8. Every time one arrives, remember the Congolese who stole your girlfriend.
  9. The person walks up refer to them as “YOU!” but not a good “you”, the kind of “you” that is used in the sentence “you contemptuous and revolting waste of flesh and carbon dioxide, you are the one who spends nights sodomising medium-sized rodents, aren’t you?” Say “You! What is in the bag! Bring and I see.”
  10. When the person suggests that you don’t have to be rude, and that they were not refusing to be checked and that they are quite ready to comply with the security protocols required to enter the building, sneer and grab at their bag. Grab at it as if it is a wild animal attempting to escape capture. Grab at the handle of their Gucci handbag as if it is a hyena throat.
  11. Rip the thing open and stare inside with your mouth curled downwards as if you already despise everything this person has ever done. Hope that you find something sexual in the bag like edible panties or a vibrator so you can take them out and embarrass the chick. If it is a guy and you find a vibrator, that will be your lucky day.
  12. You are not allowed to grab the person’s bottom any more but this doesn’t mean you cannot make them uncomfortable. Use the wand. That metal detector thingy. Use it suggestively to emasculate the men you check or violate the women. Then let them enter and cry from inside.

12 Steps To Success: How To Propose A Toast

Today we open with a musical number. Lays n genmens pucho hens together for The Mith and his lovely assistant, Lillian Mbabazi! This is Toast To Life. Yo, Mith, kick it!

 

 

Now, welcome to the Famous Urban Legend 12-step-guide to success in nearly everything. Today we are going to learn about toasting and how it is done.

 

  1. Get the terminology right. It is called toasting, and you say, “Let’s toast to… something. (Ibramovich, Mugisha Muntu, Life, The Extension of Nsenene Season To  July, whatever) But you don’t say, “I am going to toast you” when you raise your glass. It is very disappointing and uncultured. It would be the equivalent of showing up in a Bentley, stepping out in a tuxedo, walking down a red carpet and then opening your mouth and your breath stinks.
  2. It is the equivalent of having an iPad and writing, “Me am gng 2 tost it becoz d prggtt iz faani!!!!11”. Please. Respect the iPad. Steve Jobs did not give his life so that you could do that.
  3. Consider the type of liquor you are toasting with. I’m sorry, it has to be liquor. You cannot toast to anything with tea. You can not toast with juice. And safi is right out completely. NEVER EVER even DRINK Safi, let alone toast to things with it.
  4. Well, you can toast to Beelzebub, Prince of Darkness and Underworld Lord with safi if you are evil like that, but I expect he will want you to mix some blood into it, which might be unhygienic.
  5. Gather your quorum around you. Everyone must be paying attention so it is wisest to wait until they have all finished updating their FB and Twitter and clicking “like” on ULK posts and sharing them on their walls and all that (hint hint).
  6. When you have everyone’s attention, raise your receptacle. It will be either a bottle, a beer mug, or a glass. You cannot toast without glass. If you are drinking in plastic tumblers that is not a toast. That is a mblunywi. Say “I’d like to raise a mblunywi to the groom.” Don’t say “toast” cos you will be cheapening the word.
  7. Listen to Toast To Life again. You hear? “To my friends and my family, my loved ones and everybody around me…” Whooo!
  8. So, now you have glass, you have quorum, you have the jam, now say, “I’d like to raise a toast.”
  9. Keep quiet.
  10. There is a mandatory pause between saying the word toast and actually making the toast. When the pause is completed say, “To… something. (Godfrey Ekanya, Shanita’s Freedom, New Beginnings, The End of Our Journey, Truth, Honour and Friendship, Spiderman or whatever.)
  11. Then everybody is obliged to say “Cheers.” For those of you who prefer to fake accents, you may need a bit of help here. In American accent, it’s pronounced “Cheers”  not “chrreez” and not “chairs”. Otherwise, normal people will just say “Cheyaz”.

12. Clink some of the glasses together and drink everything. Leave not a single drop. You don’t know what tomorrow may bring.

How To Get Out Of Office

I know it is probably halfway through the workday when you are reading this. Unless you are those Ugandans we hear about who they call unemployed. Sucks to be you. Sometimes. But trust us, the national productive workforce, when we say that there are many times when we stop and envy you. We think to ourselves, “Maybe being unable to pay bills and starving would probably be better than having to put up with all this employment shit.”

Either way we tend to spend the entire day, from the moment of arrival, waiting for the time we can leave.

You would think that when that time comes, it will be as easy as standing up, chucking up deuces, and fleeing manically, leaving behind only the echoes of your voice screaming “Laters for you suckaaaaaaaaaaasssss!”

Oh no. There are many things that prevent a swift withdrawal.

 

1: The Phone Extension. Oftentimes you will receive a call at a few minutes before it is time for hometime and find, upon picking up, that it is a person from hell calling with some sort of “assignment”. The term “assignment” is corporate jargon for “fat load of OCD shit you have to deal with”  and it often takes a lot of hours. When the call comes in and you pick up, it means you will not be leaving at time for hometime, you will be leaving at nine.

Tip #1. NEVER pick up the phone. EVER.

 

2. Cara. During the loadshedding crisis before Museveni ushered in an era of development – I hear some people still have loadshedding. Well, us at ours we don’t. We have cara every day. (NRM Oyee.) Even the neighbor with the loud radio who starts blasting Hillsong at seven every Sunday morning (Bloody NRM) —during the loadshedding crisis when nobody had electricity last year,  many people developed the habit of staying at work late because there was no cara at home. At office they could charge their phones and watch TV. It blame The Hostel. Annette, see what you did.

 

Kung fu.

 

Tip #2 Get friends in posh areas like Ntinda etc where there is no loadshedding. And when you go there, take beer. Don’t go empty handed. That’s bad manners.

3. Internet. The internet was invented by space aliens who want to take over our planet. Their plan is to slowly hypnotise the entire human population using computer screens and mobile phones which have funny websites like this one and when we are stuck staring at them, they will land their motherships and bribe Obama and take over the whole world. That is why the internet is addictive. It has alien brain-rays which beam off the screen (it’s doing it now) onto your mind and capture it with hooks and refuse to let go. The internet is made to be addictive. Especially facebook. Facebook is crack cocaine because crack cocaine is the most vulgar and stupid drug and most embarrassing drug you can be addicted to.

 

 

I mean, how can you fail to go home because you are checking to see what people who don’t even have vowels are saying about Zari’s new toyboy?

Tip #3 The hell with the rest of the internet. Only read us. Then go home.

 

4. Office affairs. There are two kind of office affairs—the ones where people leave early to go to lodges and the ones where people stay late to go to the broom closets under the stairs. Either way, this is not true love.

Tip #4 Just get married and get a home already. You brazenly iniquitous pieces of shit.

The 12-Step Guide: How To Get Out Of Bed On A Cold Morning

Its the Urban Legend 12-Step Guide to success in Almost Anything.
Today we are going to tell you all How To Get Out Of Bed On A Cold Morning.

1. Set your alarm to wake you up early. Alarms are fitted into most clocks, watches, mobile phones and even some of the more advanced televisions and stereo sound systems. Set one for six a.m.

2. When it goes off you will wake up and turn it off.

3. Then you will go back to sleep.

4. Set the alarm on a machine that is not near the bed. Maybe put the phone those ways across the room. That way you have to get out of bed to switch it off.

5. When it goes off the next morning, climb out of bed, cross the floor, switch it off, and ask yourself, “Now what?”

6. Feel cold. Hear the rain. See your bed beckoning in the distance. What the hell. Go back.

7. But seriously you have to get up. You have a job. Okay, leave the phone on so that you can be afraid that the boss will call you to ask where you are if you oversleep.

8. When he calls, pick up and say you are at Kira Road Police station and cannot come in to work on time. Your cousin is a member of AFG simanyi A4G and he was arrested the night before when he was sleepwalking and as his next of kin you have to be there to help investigations.

9. But the boss won’t call. It is raining in his neighbourhood as well.

10. Think off all the wonderful things you can do with your life if you could just muster the will to get up and move out of this bed. You can make a difference! You can change the world! Be inspired and motivated!

11. Then remember that no matter what you plan to do, NOTHING in the whole world can possibly feel as GOOOOOOOOOOD as those blankets that morning.

12. Just stay in bed and lose your job. Unemployed people get to sleep all they want.

12 Steps To Success: How To Make A Cocktail

Have you ever felt the need to make a cocktail? Have you ever been to a school where they teach you how to do so? Have you not? Do you know how to make a cocktail? When  you feel the need to make one, do you just collapse in tears because you are useless in this context?

 

 

That deejay who talks during the raps and then keeps quiet during the chorus? Cut it out. Jigga didn’t get a grammy because your lwali was more important than his lyrics. That wasn’t relevant to cocktails  I just thought that since he might be reading, I might as well make the point.

Here is the Urban Legend 12 Step Guide To Success in Nearly Everything. How To Make A Cocktail.

 


 

1. Much like the scriptwriting and acting of The Ebonies, the foundation of any cocktail is strong alcohol.  Trying to make a cocktail without alcohol will be like expecting to come up with titles like Obnoxious Imbroglio without shooting zambukas all the way through lunch as they doubtless do.

 

2. No, good alcohol. You can keep the V&A for another occasion, like when you need to shampoo kittens or whatever soft and tender stuff wusses do. We need something strong. Real liquor.

 

3. Patriotism should come to play. Waragi is a great idea. Get Waragi.

 

4. Now, to concoct an original cocktail you have to think creatively. You cannot just repeat what everyone else has done before. You have to be spontaneous and daring and plumb the the dark, sinister, hithertofore unexplored depths of your imagination.

Or just be spontaneous and daring and plumb the dark sinister depths of Katanga and get some crude Waragi. Now we’re talking.

 

5. Now that we have the foundation, we need to do what is known as balancing the texture. This is when you introduce something that does not feel like the alcohol. An easy choice would be Mango Splash, because it has a very different texture. It doesn’t feel like alcohol. It feels like mucus, but it has been done many times before and, remember, we are thinking outside the box.

 

6. I am willing to bet no one has ever made a cocktail with Safi.

If you don’t know what Safi is, then either the economy has been very good to you and you only drink things sold in Javas, or the economy has kicked you totally in the nutsack. You don’t know Safi? Not even on Christmas?

 

7. With the crude Waragi and the Safi what you have is not a cocktail. What you have is punched K. You have more work to do. But  first put in more K.

 

8. Now we are getting to the tough part. What is it about this cocktail that will make it stand out? That will make it unique? You need to create distinction. Much in the way a fashion designer creates unique and distinct clothes. So put in some cooking oil.

 

Don’t worry. Fashion designers don’t give a shit either. They also just throw there whatever they find.

 

9. Now throw in some curry powder also. Squeeze a potato and drip in the juice. I think yoghurt can also fit in the glass. Is that aloe vera? Bring. Mix it all in. This is the most creative cocktail ever made.

 

10. It’s creative but it probably tastes like crap. If you want people to drink this, you should put in a bit more Waragi.

 

11. First sample it a bit. Then clean up the vomit.

 

12. Name your cocktail.

 

The 12-Step Guide: How To Fight For A Taxi And Win

One of the challenges of living in Kampala city today is how to get the hell out of this shithole at the end of the day.  The daily struggle of the working man and woman in this city is nothing compared to the eveningly struggle. That’s why you need this guide. How To Fight Your Way Into A Taxi.

Equipment
  1. It is redundant to tell you to identify the stage where you can find the taxi that heads to your suburb. Of course you know where that creased and crinkly and crowded and cockroach-infested contraption pauses to feed. That’s the place where you spend two hours of every evening in a sad huddle with fifty equally forlorn and frustrated bastards staring at exhaust fumes and hating  your life. But You have to mark this post. It is a starting point.
  1. Measure 200metres from that spot. Uphill if you trust your calf muscles, although the organ you should be most concerned with is not down there. It’s a bit higher up. We’ll get to that later.
  2. Measure four hours from the time you  are supposed to be at the stage. Four hours is the average time it takes for an onion/garlic byenda /green pepper sandwich to find its way into the perspiratory system of the average human male. If you are female, make that three hours. Women can stink faster. The fact that they don’t means they know how to hide it. But it is a biological fact that they can.
  3. For every foot above five-eleven and every five Kg above 70 add fifteen minutes. For every foot and five kg below, subtract five minutes. But eat that sandwich.
  4. And then wash it down with crude waragi mixed with aloe vera gel. Then digest the whole thing. By digest, we mean, allow the worst elements of this noxious concoction seep through the walls of your belly and into the blood vessels which will carry them up to that most vital of bodily organs: the sweat gland supreme.
  5. Now, it’s time to go to the taxi stage. Remember that place we spoke about in point two? When you get there, start sprinting! RUN as fast and hard as you can towards the stage.
  6. By the time you get there, you will be sweating profusely.
  7. And when the taxi arrives, and everyone surges towards it in a bid to squeeze into the single limited scratchy door before the taxi gets too full
  8. And when everyone has poised their elbows and handbags and in some cases that we have all experienced, their baseball bats in place to beat away the competition as they struggle to enter the taxi
  9. When this happens, raise your hands upwards and shout. Shout anything. It doesn’t matter.
  10. Shout: Urban Legend Kampala Dot COM!! No harm in us getting some free publicity out of this.
  11. You will be immensely gratified to see the crowd in front of you melt away. They will grab their noses and run away, probably in urgent search of the nearest church. Those around you will not run away. They will collapse into unconsciousness and maybe die.
  12.  This leaves the taxi empty and the doorway clear. The driver and conductor will be out looking for the police so you will have to drive  yourself home, but I don’t think that’s a disadvantage. They usually leave the keys behind.

This Is How To Suck Up To Your Boss

Some day I’ll be your boss. Let me give you a minute to brood as the realization sinks in.

Now when I become your boss, you will be required to suck up to me and make me understand that you’re a filthy employee not worthy of my presence.

Get a pen and paper and write down the following tips on how to suck up to me when the time comes.

  • Laugh at my dreary jokes

If I point at a pen on my table and say that pen looks funny, you will laugh your lungs out because that will be the funniest thing you’ve ever heard in your life.

Chris Rock, Ricky Gervais and Katt Williams put together will have nothing on me.

 

  • When you see me, pretend to be busy

If I find you at the restaurant during your lunch break, frown immediately and pretend that something even as simple as eating is wasting your precious work time.

You can throw your knife and fork into the food disgustingly and push your plate away for effect. I will be happy.

 

  • Agree with everything I say

It doesn’t matter if you think I’m wrong. Just nod your head. In my company, my thoughts are the supreme limit of intelligence. Therefore if you think anything above what I’m thinking, you’ll be considered contemptuous and fired immediately (if you’re a man) or sexually abused later that evening (if you’re a woman).

Love everything I love and hate everything I hate.

 

  • Care about my life and everything in it

Ask me about my morning, and my wife and kids. Be happy after learning that they are all doing okay. Be sad and get to the brink of tears when you hear that my son has mild flu and is at home sleeping.

When you enter my office and see a picture of my wife on the table, tell me how dazzling she is. And don’t tell me my daughter looks beautiful. Generalize it to my kids look beautiful or I’ll get the wrong idea and overwhelm you with assignments that will make you wish you hadn’t entered my office that day.

 

  • Make me feel good about promoting you

If you’re a man, take some of your workmates out for a drink and gossip only good things about me. I don’t care if they hate you for breaking the hate-the-boss code. I promoted you and you’re not even a woman. Consider that my version of Jesus’ second coming.

If you’re a woman, I didn’t promote you because you deserved it. Don’t flatter yourself. Wear something shorter the next day and sit next to me during all company meetings. Every Friday night, forget your pen in my office and come back for it after everyone else has left. That pen will be crucial to your future success in my company.