Category Archives: Friday Fries

Friday Fries: The Weekly News Summary

Mr. Ernest Bazanye? I’m absent, teacher! Mr. Erique Mununuzi? Even me am not here!

Ready with the baddest worst news? Leggo.

In back news, the boy who won a golden medal for Uganda even if no one actually believed Uganda could pull off such a feat but pretended they cared about him when he actually…you know what? Let’s take this from the top.

In back news, Kiprotich came back home to a kickass welcome worth 200 million shillings from the president, a Porsche 911 ride from the airport, a 2-day stay at Serena Hotel, another wad of big bucks from corporate companies and several forced congratulatory newspapers adverts.

He rolled in with his wifey, kidseys and mummy and daddy, who I’m guessing gave him the running genes by running while conceiving him, plus many other insignificant people who just wanted to appear on camera so people think they know people who know people who know people.

 

A few of the other athletes who didn't win anything.

In related news, you’re not a the boy’s relative so stop adding “Kiprotich” to your Facebook & Twitter names.

In reshuffling news, do the shuffle do the shuffle coz it’s the weekend so do the shuffle. But seriously, your president reshuffled the cabinet while Kipiqwqiblxqi made his way to Kampala from Entebbe. Party-poopers just.

Among other very young and youthful newcomers, he brought back celebrated founders of covert theft, Corruption General Sam Kutesa & Corruption Field Marshal John Nasasira. If you have any money on you when you see them, gasp, open your eyes wide in shock and then run for your life. And don’t look back or you’ll turn into stone.

In sausage news, it’s been discovered by city avengers, KCCA that some people without couth are selling fake sausages. The uncouth people apparently get pigs’ intestines and convert them to sausages using VLC .mp3 converter, then tell people to close their eyes and come and buy.

Don’t buy anything with your eyes closed, people. You’ll just look weird and won’t know how much money you’ve given the seller. And then you’ll die and miss Sisqo’s show.

In Zombie Lounge Singer news, compact cassette Judy Boucher travelled all the way from the Mesozoic era to Uganda and failed to personally apologise to all of us for the way she tortured us when our  aunt’s neighbors would play that one damn song of hers over and over again simanyi Send Me The Pillow.

This obscene song about pillows was only one of the vaguely pornographic songs that she reprised for a scandalized audience at the Serena before Boucher, of indeterminate origin and purpose, returned to the crypt where her remains are stored.

 

Boucher in her younger days

IncCalling news, athletes in Uganda, galvanized by the voices that have risen to call for more government involvement in sports, following Stephen “Kip” Rotich’s gold medal, have begun to collect pleas for funding in their own disciplines.

Festo Mbwanembizi, head coach of the Kireka International Ludo Team, lead a delegation of Ludo athletes to State House to appeal to government to offer funding to the Ludo sportsmen of Uganda. “We should not wait until one of us wins a gold medal,” said the coach. “Or until Ludo becomes an Olympic sport.”

However, he was brushed aside by Nyamiiro Nyarsha, the five-foot-two fat Zzana resident who was there to ask for funding for her dreams of representing Uganda in the pole vault.

And that’s this week’s news… Piss!

Furaaaaaaaaaayide!!!

Friday Fries: The Weekly News Summary

Good evening viewers and welcome to the Friday Fries, your weekly news roundup. I am Ernest Bazanye and I am also Erique Mununuzi. Leggo with the news

 

Soap Factory Dropped

In closing news, KCCA closed Mukwano soap factory because Lord Mayor Erias Ghetto Lukwago was smelling. “The factory wasn’t doing its job properly. We had to close it down. The man smells like porokoto,” said an angry KCCA worker. “Why do you think we never let him have meetings with normal people?” The factory will be reopened after the Ghetto Mayor takes a bath.

 

 

Gov’t Plans to Prosecute Chap

In planning news, government plans to prosecute captured LRA rebel Acellam. “Yeah. We do. I know you want a comment of some sort from us so this should do. Pretty much. What more did you want anyway?” Government added that they plan to keep planning to prosecute Acellam until they run out of plans.

 

Rolex scam uncovered.

In crack news, a Ministry of Health crack team of undercover agents has rumbled a scam in which rolexes sold to unsuspecting customers in Kajjansi are actually frauds.

A sting operation codenamed Avengers Two led by special agent Frederick Sekatawa found that all the rolas sold in the area were actually made from marabou stork eggs.

Speaking on condition of anonymity after the attempted arrest of the rolex makers and while counting his bribe money Sekatawa, 43, resident of Namuwongo Zone B, hailing from Kibekibi village in Masaka district said the criminals resorted to stork eggs after local chickens, fearing population explosion, joined Genext and stopped producing enough eggs.

 

 

Rabble-Rouser/Freedom Fighter Tired of Jungu Restaurants.

In food news NRM government pain in the ass Dr Kizza “No Pizza” Besigye continues with his latest crusade which takes the form of lunching in crowded market places filled with disgruntled lower-income earners who can be incited to riot with ease.

Besigye, however, assured reporters that he was not trying to incite the public, but was just tired of what he called “bazungu restaurants” such as Bon Apetit and I Feel Like Chicken Tonight and therefore had no option but to lunch in Nakasero market.

“At home there is no one to cook,” Besigye told reporters in gas masks. “Anselm is in school, Winnie is in outside countries. . . And the guys who make rolex in Kajjansi where my office is, the eggs taste funny.”

 

Friday Fries: The Weekly News Summary

 Legends Erique and Ernest bring you a legendary sum-up of what’s happened this week. Burndemtwotime!

In shocked news, the international community was shocked this week when it was revealed that a pair of foreigners had been caught moving illegally through the Zimbabwe border. What stunned officials was that these guys were trying to get in.

The United Nations Mental Health Association was called in when it was further revealed that the foreigners were Ugandans. A spokesperson from the Ministry of Foreign Affairs hahad the guys, saying, “Kale you come from a country where you riot when sugar reaches five k and then you try to sneak into Zimbabwe? Not serious.”

 

Mbu making it rain with one note

In awesome news, last weekend all the cinemas in the world except America, which, for once, doesn’t count, were full to the brim of people watching the first truly awesome movie of the year.

This film, Avengers, also known as Avengers Assemble, and also known as Iron Man 3 is currently the number one movie worldwide.

The plot centres around an alien from another planet (Britain from the sound of his accent) who tries to take over the world (New York).

It also features a romantic subplot which is the tender love story between the audience and Scarlett Johannson.

In waging news, perennially feuding musicians Moses Ssali and Robert Kyagulanyi Sentamu are billed to wage war this weekend to determine which of the two is supreme. This is not, as you would expect, some bloody to-the-death kumite type shit. They are just going to go and one sings here and the other sings there then they go home.

When asked for a comment, most of us pointed at the empty sky and said, “Look at all the fu&c*ks I give.”

In declaring news, Ex-Former Current Rubaga North NRM MP Singh Songs Katongole was excited by the news that his rival Moses Kasibante was finally declared the real MP for the constituency after the two were embroiled in a constant battle for the same seat.

“I’m very happy that the moment every NRM member longs for has finally arrived,” said a smiling Singh. “An opposition win is an NRM win. We’re like brothers. So when he wins, I become the MP. I’m really glad that he fought for me. A true friend.”

“I send shouts-out to my mother and father in the village, my uncle who’s at work and my friends tuning in right now from India.”

In performing news, foreign artistes who normally come to Uganda to perform at concerts have switched tactics. Now top selling Nigerian duo P-Square is coming to sue one of these unknown Ugandan artistes you wouldn’t care about even if we gave you the name over copyright infringement.

Tickets to the suing show will go for 30,000 shillings, and then 50,000 shillings for the family show at Serena. “We shall be featuring big artistes like Patrick & Sons Legal Advocates, Justice Proscovia Taliiyo and many others,” said the duo.

In beef news, Bobi Wine and Bebe Cool have been strongly advised to change diets after they started developing signs of acute brain failure, a fatal disease that comes from having too much beef.

“They probably can’t survive on any other food but still,” complained their doctor who rushed them to studio for treatment. “I think Bobi Wine gave up weed and started getting high on his own name and Bebe thought it wasn’t Cool. So they started getting high on beef.”

TGIF ULK style!

 

Friday Fries: The Weekly News Summary

Legends Erique and Ernest bring you a legendary sum-up of what’s happened this week. Booyakabooyaka!

In limited news, this week parliament set out to reinstall presidential term limits to the constitution in what analysts saw as a measure to curb President Museveni’s chances of ruling us forever. However, an insider revealed the true motive for the push in an exclusive interview with ULK.

“If AFC succeeds in their goal of triggering off Tahir Square-type demonstrations, and they successfully force Museveni out of office, we don’t want a situation where President Besigye can rule and rule and rule and never get off.”

In champion news, the best Ludo player in Kireka was crowned champion at the end of a grueling  four hour match. Nigel Nassar, speaking after his moment of triumph, told reporters he was ready to take on the national championship and then move on to seek the world championship. No one had the heart to tell him that there is no world championship for Ludo.

In distracting news, President Museveni says that talk about presidential term limits distracts him. “You find that I can’t work properly because of the noise coming from parliament,” the poor thing said and urged the MPs involved to talk about term limits only while he’s asleep.

In broke news, Makerere University Business School (MUBS) broke away from Makerere University to start its own discotheque and strippers club after a bloody fight that led to the fracturing of their name and a few other limbs. They are now called Metropolitan Universal Business Strippers but doctors are hopeful that the name will attain full recovery soon.

In breast news, Uganda’s Prime Minister Amama Mbabazi apologised to the nation for the unpatriotic way police politically fondled the Ingrid boob last week. The Ingrid boob is considered one of Uganda’s most respected emblems, which represents Uganda’s femininity. It’s supposed to be stroked softly in a bedroom.

In successful news, President Museveni was forced to hint at a successor in case he lost life elections. The president said Vice President Edward Ssekandi would succeed him and surprisingly closed his speech without naming anyone.

And finally in ninja news, ULK ninjas will be raiding 97FM RadioCity studios tomorrow (Saturday) from 10pm till cobwebs grow on the night to recover the ninja costumes that were stolen by Mister Deejay and RadioCity’s management.

The government calls upon every responsible Ugandan citizen to tune in for a live broadcast of the public execution of the airwaves.

 

Friday Fries: The Weekly News Summary

Legends Erique and Ernest bring you a legendary sum-up of what’s happened this week. Roll dem ting!

Tonight hundreds of thousands, or perhaps just thousands, or maybe just hundreds or maybe just a dozen Americans will take to the streets of their American cities to plaster 15 milllion dollars worth of merchandise all over the walls in response to the call made by  Invisible Children Wanker and Demagogue Jason Russel, who assured them through his hit video that the T-shirts will kill Kony. Good luck American T-shirt-wearers!

In flying news, North Korea succeeded in failing to launch a rocket that was supposed to fly high up in the sky to outside planets. North Korea says the aim of the launch was to put a satellite into orbit, the chewing gum manufactured by the Wrigley Company, but the chewing gum was too far for the rocket. “Next time we shall try launching one into éclair,” said a random North Korean man who was unqualified to comment on the matter.

In defecating news, it was reported that three million Ugandans lack latrines, a development that’s fast improving community relations. “Like for me me you see me here?” asserted a man we totally just bumped into on the streets. “You find that now I get together with my friends more often to hangout, converse, have drinks together…and then I use their toilets.”

In bored news, Uganda’s Vice President Edward Boredom Ssekandi is looking for something to keep him busy because his job is boring.

Sitting on his office floor eating groundnuts and simsim while talking to us, the VP said he was contemplating becoming a vampire like the Edward in the Twilight movies but didn’t have a worthy nemesis yet. “Unless former Deputy Speaker of Parliament Jacob Oulanya accepts my request of becoming the one who’s a werewolf like that Jacob of Twilight. And then oba who will be Bella? Can Erias Lukwago work?”

In tired news, MPs have retabled the bill on term limits. They are certain that this time it will work because hundreds of thousands of all of only 56 MPs are in support of the bill.

In attacking news, Sudan wants to attack South Sudan and involve LRA in the mix. Apparently, Kony has won so much fame from his best-selling mini-series and Sudan now wants to turn it into a blockbuster movie. “We’ve got all the big guns on this project,” said that talkative black guy who heads Sudan.

In criminal news, KCCA head Jenny “Boss Lady” Mu$i$i, who is paid a massive thirty million shillings a month in case you still don’t know why we spell her name with dollar signs, succumbed to the city’s crime rate this week when a briefcase of hers was stolen. That is to say, they showed her kampala.
Mu$i$i responded by hiring to specialists to retrieve the case. If you meet them, don’t say what.

In romantic news, President of Uganda Yoweri Museveni revealed on a CNN interview with doughy anchor Christiane Amanpour this week that he doesn’t know that Ugandans make out in public.

The president said as far as he knew, Ugandans rub-a-dub and bend over every weekend, but never snog.

 

The duttiest wine of all

And finally, in no news, something didn’t happen somewhere. Nobody, who preferred anonymity, told ULK that this kind of thing has never happened before and probably never will because it’s actually not happening. “I’m not even saying anything right now,” he added.

Those are the newses for this week…go and do weekend things.

 

Friday Fries: The Weekly News Summary

Legends Erique and Ernest bring you a legendary sum-up of what’s happened this week. Roll dem ting!

In defiant news, Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe refused to die despite continued pressure from opposition groups. The Besigye in the A4C of Zimbabwe described this development as a “deliberate move to derail the country’s dying image.”

 

I ain't goin' nowhere nigga! MOVE!!!

In pregnancy news, fallen heroin and marijuana vendor Bad Black failed to appear in court after closed-door discussions with her unborn baby and blahblahblah yada myamya gagaga gugugu blahdiblah because no one cares about her now that she’s broke and back to her original Nansikombi look.

In eating news, revolutionary Ugandan president Museveni M7 Sevo has appointed Justice Mulyagonja as the new IGG. M7 says he was excited that, for the first time, someone with massive love for a roadside delicacy was in charge of prosecuting corrupt government officials who refused to eat gonja.

In sexual news, award-winning defiler Emin Baro was disowned by the Turkey community. The ambassador of Turkeys in Uganda publicly declared that the defiler has never been a Turkey. “That man is a clone of the Pig and Chicken nations,” he said. “He has never been a Turkey at any point in his life. Turkeys don’t eat their young ones.”

In growing news, the Kabaka of Buganda, King Ron has added another year to his age. The 57th year was imported this morning from an unconfirmed source in outside countries and presented to the Kabaka, tax-free, as a birthday present.

In showbiz news, The only one among all these annoying Ugandan socialites who has attempted to be relevant by at least getting a job in entertainment failed to do it well this week, proving that they really are all useless.

Meanwhile the organisers of the East African Carnival at Kiwatule Recreation Centre which took place on Easter Monday have apologised for the inconveniences caused by their sound system, which was so loud that people as far away as Naalya complained about the noise.

Bebe Cool, the lead act at the concert issued a statement saying, “I am sorry.”
This was followed by another statement saying, “I am sorry that I don’t give a damn. Next time when you see my posters up, get money and book a hotel, cos I have failed to give a damn about you and your sleep!”

 

They're not sleeping tonight. Tell them.

 

And finally, in business news, traders at Nakasero and Owino markets were up in arms over the takeover of their markets by KCCA and Jeniffer Musisi, aka THE REAL Boss Lady. Bayaye from the markets who were acting as spokespeople issued a statement to KCCA saying: “Ffa ku mudaala gwo.”
At least that is what we THINK they said.

 

Jennifer Lopez and what y'all can kiss

 

Friday Fries: The Weekly News Update

Legends Erique and Ernest bring you a legendary sum-up of what’s happened this week. Roll dem ting!

News, bitch! Get out the way!

In joining news, Uganda joined the rest of the world in preparations to celebrate the annual Feast of Ishtar, also known as Ashtaroth, the pagan god of love and sex whose temple was served by troops of holy prostitutes. Fortunately Jesus died and rose again to save you all from sin, so you may not have to pay for this.

 

In banning news, the government has banned all activities for change from taking place in Uganda. Ugandans are urged to keep the same drawers on for the rest of their  lives.

A4C leader Kizza “Tommy Two-face” Besigye held a rally at Kololo parade grounds yesterday in spite of the banning of his group, saying he could not change his plans, as change had been banned. The rally was as well-attended as a Mega Dee concert.

 

I got the news like Jagger, I got the news like Jagger...

In entertainment news, the long-awaited sequel to the blockbuster hit Kony 2012 starring Jason Russell, was not premiered on the date announced. The world still waits for the launch of Stop Kony II: Stop Harder.

However, Ugandans can get it from Eddiesoft here in town. We watched it yesterday at ULK headquarters and (spoiler alert) Rambo dies.

 

In crack news, police launched a crackdown on boda bodas as part of KCCA’s latest initiative to clean up the city by arresting members of those professions which are notorious for not bathing.

 

In sexual news, Uganda successfully hosted the International Pornography Union (IPU) conference at Hotel Africana. The IPU delegates spent the week seated in moving buses escorted by weewooweewoo police cars to look at and determine the quality of service Ugandan prostitutes could offer the world. Some MPs from all over the world were seen in those buses.

 

Meanwhile, famous Judith Heard fighter, Zari announced the launch of her own reality TV show to run on UBC every time they have nothing else to run. “I want to make my own reality comedy show,” we assumed Zari said. “People look at me and laugh and now I want to make money from it,” we assumed she added.

 

In kinege news, a Nigerian pastor, WeirdConsonants Joshua sold more prayers and increased the worth of religion on the holiness stock market after predicting the death of an African President, days before the 78-year-old President of Malawi died of an obvious heart attack. His prayers are now ranked among the highest priced in the world after beating Walmart and Apple in combined product sales.

 

And in other news, there’s no other news.

 

Leading parody webzine Urban Legend Kampala published a news wrap up on Friday, despite most punters not being on the internet due to Friday being a public holiday. When contacted, spokesperson for the zine said, “And you do what.”

 

I like to news it, news it. I like to news it, news it...

 

 

Friday Fries: The Weekly News Summary

Legends Erique and Ernest bring you a legendary sum-up of what’s happened this week. Roll dem ting!

In writing news, Russian leader Vladmir Putin wrote to President Museveni, a move that opposition parties called irresponsible. “The country is facing serious political issues and the man is just busy writing to his pen pals?” said an angry opposition.

 

And in sexual news, a 53-year-old Turkey misplaced his manners in Masaka and went looking for them inside little girls’ things. He unconstitutionally searched over 50 girls’ private premises and bragged about it on Facebook. And then when they caught him, he was given light punishment nti because he admitted to the crime.

Lawyer: Your Honour, aga walayi this man is guilty!

Defence: Yes, he is guilty.

Prosecution: Objection! He’s not supposed to say that. That’s my part.

Judge: Overruled. He just said he agrees with you.

Prosecution: But he’s not supposed to. Your Honour, are you going to let this heartless man get away with this sincerely?

Judge: Yes.

Then the general public got into its periods and threw tantrums, which made the government call for a revision of the verdict and the Turkey was re-arrested and the public rejoiced.

 

Following news that a Nigerian economist is hotly tipped to become the next president of the World Bank, ISPs all over the world have recorded an increase in emails from people claiming to be her relatives offering millions to strangers in exchange for sensitive credit card information.

Meanwhile Nollywood filmmakers have started on a reboot of Beyonce The President’s Daughter.

 

In other movie news, award winning filmmaker Jason Russell has announced plans to make a documentary about that disgusting piece of shit Turkish pedophile.

Russell, who won an award for being the first person to make an internet sex tape featuring only himself, said this was in keeping with his longstanding  concern for the children of Uganda.

He added that he was glad to see that he was no longer the worst when it came to exploiting Ugandan children.

The movie is to be called #Stop-this-filthy-piece-of-underhuman-rot-that-is-several rungs-of-disgust-lower-than-pig-dysentry-and-which-is-such-a-revolting-specimen of sick-perversity-that-we-can’t-even-say-its-name-2012.

 

In oily news, while Kenyans mined oil in Turkana, Ugandans mined a chimpanzee that is now believed to be the wisest person in the country. The company in charge of the discovery, Tullow Chimpanzee, expressed confidence and assured Ugandans that unlike the oil in Kenya, the chimpanzee in Uganda was capable of producing over 7,000 barrels of intelligence, enough to power radio and TV presenters’ accents back to normal.

 

Opposition Leader Kizza Besigye a.k.a Johnny Walker strolled to court with unprecedented peace this week to attend the court hearing of a case in which Bad Black, a local philanthropist, is charged with being local. Besigye’s spokesperson said he was there because he feels it is his duty to fight for the rights of all Ugandans.

 

In other court news, President Museveni pardoned jailed murderer Sharma Kooky, after mistaking him for a rapper. Massive public outcry followed because the public only supports the release of criminals when they are rappers like Lil Wayne and TI.

And that’s all we have this week, ladies and gentlemen. Poop in, piss out!

Friday Fries: The Weekly News Summary

Legends Erique and Ernest bring you a legendary sum-up of what’s happened this week. Roll dem ting!

In sexual news, the number of Ugandan virgins skyrocketed drastically this week, following rising inflation rates and a spike in demand for the dollar.

Meanwhile, a shocking new report revealed that, contrary to popular belief, these virgins do not come from a bar in Bugolobi.

And in education, Kyambogo and Nkumba university students went on strike to protest the lack of bread during breakfast. They broke windows and burnt expensive property to avenge the cruel breadlessness inflicted upon them by the government. And now they have started another strike for butter.

In politics…

Following the still-shady stoning of a darling police officer, Sevo has directed Kayihura to ensure that police deployed on riot control duty carry cameras to protect evidence.

Kayihura: Shoot!

Policeman: (Cocks gun)

Kayihura: No, I mean shoot pictures.

 

Meanwhile the government and opposition are still denying stoning the policeman.

Govt: Apologise, fool!

Opposition: What the hell! You apologise!

Govt: Okay, you go first.

Opposition: Let’s do it together.

 

At this rate, we advise investigators to look into questioning the stone.

 

In more sexual news, filmmaker and Invisible Children wanker Jason Russell is recovering from stress and dehydration in a well-funded US hospital according to his wife, following a popular nervous breakdown last week. Mrs Russell, who avoided the question of why she lets her husband wank, said that Russell was recovering and had plans to visit Uganda soon. Probably to apologise. Msw.

Oh, and Invisible Children gave Gulu district local government shs2bn to construct a modern council hall. They probably want them to have a modern wanking facility.

And that’s all we have this week, ladies and gentlemen. Till next time, TGIF!

 

Friday Fries: The Weekly News Summary

Legend Erique brings you a legendary sum-up of what’s happened this week. Roll dem ting!

 

  • President’s son Muhoozi promoted to Colonel

Muhoozi: “I often wonder what people mean when they say I am being groomed for presidency.”

Behind the scenes: “Who the hell keeps snitching? I need to pounce it on them as a surprise.”

 

  • Mehta officials tour Buganda land

Buganda: “We want to assure the Mehta Group that we are serious about this offer, and that these properties are available for their use.”

Behind the scenes: “Coz I swear we’re tired of putting sweet potatoes in the Kabaka’s tea.”

 

  • Ex-VP Bukenya says he is not retiring from politics

Bukenya: “I spent a whole six years without coming to Parliament when I was Vice President. Now I am in Parliament and I must do the work of Parliament.”

Behind the scenes: “ Yellow Bossman gave them 500k each just for attending a meeting and they want to eat it on me? Where?”

 

  • KCCA officials sigh as govt okays salaries, pays arrears

Lukwago: “I am comfortable with any salary they will offer me so long as it can sustain me to effectively serve my electorate.”

Behind the scenes: “And serving the electorate requires money like for Jennifer. So stop playing with my feelings like that. Give me money.”

 

  • Former LRA commander Kwoyelo free

Constitutional court: “He is entitled to a declaration that their acts are inconsistent with Article 21(1) (2) of the Constitution and thus null and void. We so find.”

Behind the scenes:

“Gwe! Psst! You! My lawyer! Do they speak English here?”

“Yes, that was English and it means you’re free.”

“Oh. I thought they were making a big deal out of me cutting off a few tongues here and there.”