Category Archives: Columns

In The News, This Week

Ever since this week yawned and woke up from its cold bed on Monday, it hasn’t gone back to sleep. It is an insomniac week. It needs its sleeping pills. However, a lot has happened in the paltry of days that have passed. If you never noticed, slap yourself hard in the face and thank God for MBs. Moving on, this is what has happened so far that people won’t stop jabbering about around their pots of malwa in their little, filthy bufundas.

Make it rain

The rains are back. They never sent a WhatsApp, or a DM. They just came, unannounced. Most city dwellers were sweating mbu nti there are being subjected to too much sunshine, which causes rickets, by the way. And soon, they might be balding because the sunshine was scorching. Amidst the wails and pleas, NWSC showed us mbu it is the custodian of water, that Desire is overrated and it gave us Zari. Also, just like that, without notice. It cut off water supply within the city suburbs. In the process, a new cologne had been invented (thanks to not showering) and most folks couldn’t wait to get to office and use office toilets and brush their teeth in there. However, God looked down at us and said, “My creation, also!” He told the askali to open the gates and the rains poured. It has been cold. Too cold. The bachelors and the bachelorettes and the freindzoned and the chucked and the singulars have been at pains with the coldness. The poor souls in Bwaise couldn’t comment by press time.

Sheikh Muzaata’s mouth

When he opens his mouth, he never closes it. And when he doesn’t close it, it causes chaos. Sheikh Muzaata has caused a storm in a tea jug when he commented about the etoofali money-making scheme and the president, not with the hat, but with the weed, didn’t take it lightly. The president in this case, if you’re slower than two snails, is Bobi Wine, smoked and chewed some cud and barked back at the Sheikh. They barked and barked, like stray dogs upon seeing a female dog walking past them without saying hi. The barking is still on.

Minister Philemon Mateeke, the fashionista

He was appointed State Minister for Regional Cooperation by fellow agemate. At the handover ceremony of the office, the youthful minister (who looks too old) pitched up at the offices, sauntered in like Oswald Boateng. His choice of dressing, an oversized coat that covered his fingers and touched his knees, his tie that looked like a camel’s tongue, his shirt that looked like it was pulled out of a rhino’s mouth caught everyone’s attention. The picture went viral that it is now copyrighted. The minister, however, hasn’t come out to say who his fashion inspiration was. He remains tightlipped. If he says it is Sevo, we shall let you know.

Also in the news, President Museveni met Amama Mbabazi’s wife, you know. They shook hands and smiled and winked at each other and sat and waited for 2016.

 

How To Avoid Getting Stuck in Mbarara.

It is said that KQ, the Pride of Africa with the exception of a few areas, had President Museveni stuck after failing to pick him from Mbarara.

Stuck

First, who or what is Mbarara?

Mbarara is a landlocked country in Uganda that can be accessed by air or by milk. Its economy thrives mostly on the exportation of politicians and fake accents used in the production of struggling radio ads.

So how then did President Museveni get stuck in a country filled with such great promise? It could be any of two reasons.

  1. KQ’s planes do not have the capacity to carry all of 28 years in power.
  2. Air Uganda & Uganda Airlines fell in love and eloped.

But not to worry. Studies show that there are 10 possible ways to avoid getting stuck in Mbarara.

  1. Call KQ customer service and ask them to send a plane.
  2. Wonder what’s wrong, call back and ask KQ to forget the plane and just send a pilot.
  3. If the pilot is still in the toilet, ask KQ to send a cab.
  4. Ask KQ to ask Air Uganda to pick you.
  5. Called Sula the boda guy and ask him to pick fuel from KQ and come for you.
  6. Call President Kenyatta and report KQ.
  7. Call KQ customer service and ask if they’ve received a threat from President Kenyatta.
  8. Call back and ask why the hell they just hang up on you.
  9. Update your facebook as inquiries are made.
  10. If still stuck, you should probably just take a taxi.

Maria Kiwanuka Chats With Museveni. A Fly On The Wall Brings You The Convo

A few moons ago, President Museveni reshuffled cabinet. He basically meant, “I wear the pants in this country and every day I be’s reshuffling.” Old brooms were brought back to sleep some more.  Some accentuated brooms were shoved outside. It was surprising. These brooms swept in an accent and they swept our finances in the process. But these two had a brief chat the other day in some kafunda somewhere in Kulambiro. Our fly on the wall was there and it eavesdropped the whole conversation; here, in verbatim. It nodded its compound eyes at some point.

Museveni: Eh, Miria, you are here? Who told you about this place?

Kiwanuka: Misterrr Prrrezident, I always come here afterrr a laang day at work for kikalaayi. Been gaaad?

Museveni: Wangi? What’s ki..kikalaayi?

Kiwanuka: Hmm. Ask your new Minister of Animal Husbandry. Tonkooya!

Museveni: But..but Miria, there is ice in your voice. Bad day, huh?

Kiwanuka: Like you don’t read papers?

Museveni: Matter of fact, I do. You have a tape out, too? *Adjusts his hat*

Kiwanuka: Nah. I ain’t repearing myself. Ask your new minister of Information.

Museveni: Yesu! What wrong did I do now? Oh, wait, the cabinet reshuffle? Ah, that was a typo. Okay, it wasn’t, but you know..uhm, waiter!!

Kiwanuka: Carry on.

Museveni: Let me tell you what happened. That night, as I was drafting the new cabinet, I received a WhatsApp message from someone who told me to impeach you because you were all accents and my ministers always sleep throughout the budget reading. I said no. He said yes. I said no again. He said mbu nti yes. I rubbed you off. See, it wasn’t my fault. It was that guy’s fault. That snitch. That old moron. What do you take? Tusker Malt? Ah, these guys’ drinks are too expensive. Do you have some money on you?

Kiwanuka: Hmm. No. Ask your new Minister of Finance. Mstchewwww.

 

 

 

In the news this month…

Much to my consternation, the year is still young and as such it’s making stuff up as it slowly trudges along. Unfortunately, in the process, a lot of the stuff it’s chucking out at us happens to be a rehash of stuff we have seen or experienced before. On the plus side, we can sort of predict what’s to come… using algorithms, a mysterious dusty book from way back when and time travel. Here’s what you can bet will be in the news this month.

Another batch of nudies or sex tapes.

Musicians have been tackled, so have TV presenters, it’s only fitting that the nasties scale the walls of politics and claim a representative of the people. I’m not a gambling man, but I think the first prominent member to rear his head in your WhatsApp thread is going to be a former mayor. What will make it disturbing is the fact that you will not know whether you should laugh or be disgusted…or sorry. This cocktail of confusion will give way to…

An apology for the sex tapes…

For whatever reason, people have developed an annoying tendency to apologise for their leaks… Zari too, and if you watched her video, you would understand why it doesn’t make sense that she issued a statement. Issuing data refunds would have been more effective as would putting her back in to it next time, but I digress. The lead star in the new video will be despondent and say he is sorry that his “private parts are now in pubic”. We will laugh at how hysterical it is that he can not pronounce the word PUBLIC, but out mirth will quickly give way to anger as soon as…

The police will order a probe in to this new sex tape….

Which doesn’t make sense when you think about it. If you’re reading this, you are probably contributing to their salaries through some tax or other, however you have to ask yourself, why are they detaining people for more than 10 minutes under the pretext of questioning. Come on, how much time do you really need to ask a suspect whether that’s them appearing in the video/picture posing with a tin of doom saying, “you’ve been dirty, I’m the cleaner”.

I imagine out of the embarrassment, the accused will rush in with a full blown statement printed out in Times New Roman, double spaced and with a passport photo attached. Even if the interrogation went thus, “is that you? Are you sure? Are you reallllly sure?” It would be a miracle if it went beyond an hour…. And that’s factoring in the request that the person in question pose for selfies with some random traffic cop. What you really should be paying attention to is…

Another cabinet reshuffle…

In case you missed it, the president of the republic engaged his cabinet in a game of musical chairs at the end of last month… it was particularly interesting because it soon became apparent that the people in the game had no idea they were in a game and from subsequent interviews, it was evident that the president was not playing. It might have been that my WhatsApp message was truncated and as such I didn’t get the full list, but I imagine it’s only a matter of time before another seat is removed and some hapless individual has to face the music… but these things are not too bad. There’s always . . .

Jennifer’s body

KCCA has made it clear that they mean business and have gone around closing establishments that are unhealthy, breaking buildings and threatening to arrest boda boda riders who fart while their customers are on the phone… Alright, I may have imagined that last one, but the point is, the Executive Director is on a mission to prove she means business… Unfortunately the road to my place is not aware of this and still goes on to rape the tyres of cars and devour those of boda bodas in a sadistic ritual involving its children, the potholes…If you think that’s contrived, wait till you get a load of…

The Next Telenovella

Beneath The Lies gave our celebrities something to do (for those that could actually act, anyway) but NTV (also known as the TV station that hosts Fabiola’s hips) has struck gold with their latest idea. Simply put, it takes that feeling you get when you’re watching a show and thinking, “I’ve seen this before….” And shouts at you, “heck yeah! We just made it local”. Basically they are taking one of those Hispanic soaps with a tacky name such as, “The Wind Beneath The Flower of Death in The Valley” in the English language and something in Spanish that sounds poetic enough to make you want to have unprotected sex with it in poor lighting, apology letter in tow…. shit, that sentence went on for too long…

Right, so basically NTV has taken a show and decided to make it UGANDAN. This is a smart strategy for a number of reasons. For one thing there’s the digital migration nonsense that will see an uptick in local content, but why I think it is a clever move is this…. While The Hostel may come under scrutiny for poor acting, this new show will know it’s on the right track when people deride its stars for not looking genuine.

 

Of New Year Resolutions

Gen. Sejusa: My New Year resolution? Ah, let me see. I have quite a lot. I might re-change my name to something that evoke more fear. I might resume my letter writing if I land on the fool that stole my pen and my writing pads. How I miss them. Also, I might declare my intentions to get my jungle boots I used to own when we were still in the bush and run, not in the marathon, but for presidency. Don’t tell anyone yet. Will this get published?

Gen. Tinyefuza: Talk to Sejusa, silly. I am busy.

Zari: My New Year revolution? Haha. Kyoka mwe. Anyways, I want to dig deeper in the mines and, God willing, I will uproot gold, or copper..or carbohydrates. I have diamond so far. Also, this year, I plan to do more important things in life, like releasing a well-edited, worth the MBs, worth the eyes and time sex tape. Time of official release will be announced later. North Korea won’t stand in my way.

Nasser ‘Seya’ Ssebagala: My resolvement of this year is to first resign my advice I was giving it to the president. You see, I am a popular people. The president knows that. Even me, you see me, when I was the mayor and the people saw what I done, didn’t they? Let me tell you: that was shame, shame and a lot of shame because Desire, you saw the naked, not so? As her former mayor, I say no to that.

Amama Mbabazi: My New Year resolutions are quite a horde and if I let the cat out of the bag, I will be quoted wrongly which might go down badly. I don’t like that. Ask me the same question on 1st January 2016. I will be in a better position to tell you. I even lost my position as the Prime Minister even. I am not talking to press. Driver!

Loodi Meeya Erias Lukwago: I was greatly astonished and flabbergasted by my regrettable dismissal from office. It was hogwash and it was illegal. Jenny had absolutely no right to do that. Check in the Constitution. Tell the president to check chapter..ah, I have forgotten, but it is printed there. What was your question again?

Bebe Cool: Nothing will change. I will go ahead making a fool of myself. Gagamel ting this!

Bobi Wine: I can’t talk after Bebe Cool, mstchewwww. Busaaaabaaalaaa!!

Uganda Cranes: You know our thing.

Golola Moses: My New Year resolution is to still kick all the blooming flowers, smash all the anthers and stigma. I will get a little, skinny, rickety kickboxer from, this time round, Chad or Cambodia and kick his nuts. Then I will fall and crawl on the floor again. It’s my thing. Does the desert still have trees? I haven’t checked. But I promise to kick any tree there. I will look at Zari. Like this. Like this. And poof, something will be cast there, you know. I will use my mouth more. This year, I don’t want to be a joking subject, I will be a joke.

President Museveni: Do you still want raps? I might drop an album before 2016 comes. I might engage Kanye for a collabo. See, when we were still in the bush…Hold on: Besigye is calling.

The Weekly News Roundup

In dry corridors news

The week saw things. Yamawe! Socialite turned miner (She mines diamonds, lately) Zari released a sex tape and it has garnered a lot of revenue at Box Office. Okay, scratch the Box Office part. I am trying hard to write something about the sex tape because there was nothing to write home about. I am dry of words. Actually, as the one-second long sex tape went on, it turned out that Zari was akin to the dry corridors of Karamoja. Jose Chameleone’s concert might be staged for her. It was such a booooring piece that, after receiving it, people wanted to take it to the streets, matching, hoisting banners and protesting for time wastage and their precious MBs that were devoured in the process. Zari was also seen defiling a young, baby dildo. #BringBackOurMBs

In maids’ news

The venomous maid who was captured on camera jumping on top of a toddler’s back and hurled to the cells to help do laundry there, was dragged to the courts to determine her punishment. She looked different from a burly figure that was seen dancing on top of a kid’s back. Maids are ninjas. They can change shapes. But what made the headlines was, she rocked a thick wig that looked like a roof of a grass-thatched hut in Nakapiripiriti district. I always knew that wigs were associated with evil.

In I-hate-Ugandan-Men-And-Love-Nigerians news

She is gone. Poof! Gone with the wind. Off the shelf. Off the boda-boda. Off the list. Seanice Kacungira got married. Yeeey! Well, we are happy for her. It’s been a looooong time of waiting to see the lucky nigga. At last, the news found us awake. Mbu she never got Desire’s memo about Nigerians. She said, “Waaah. Gaa’way, Desire. I am gerrin’ married.” So, a one Fabian Adeoye pulled her off from Ugandan men’s grips. Kyoka Ugandan men can be slow. The hunky actor got married to the former radio extraordinaire. If you don’t know the hunky actor, slap yourself hard in the face and say, “I am silly!” Then proceed to Google for help. Anyways, he acts in Jacob’s Cross. Yeah, those things. Seanice, we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy marriage. And, God forbid, we don’t want to see you flashing V-signs all over.

In confusion news

The parliament, unsurprisingly, was still awash with confusion before we went to press. The confused law makers were still probing each other, pointing long nailed-fingers at each other mbu nti “You stole my pen. You stole gov’t money. You stole blah, blah..” Katosi Road was still covered with dust because money was hidden in some people’s stomachs and they refused to go to the loos. Kwegamba, it was full of confusion. I am even confused.

In searching news

Col. Dr. Kizza Besigye’s maid, Mugumya, who has since disappeared off the radar was still missing. Actually, no one gave a f**k about him this week. I just felt like rubbing it in your face so that when you’re cleaning your house over the weekend, search for him. He could be under your bed. Oh, doesn’t this put some small truth to the assumption that aliens come to earth late at night when all of you are either asleep or wanking or pondering about it, and steal a few things from us and go back home? Maybe. Ask Tamale Mirundi. He speaks like an alien.

We are so broke to give business news. For sports news, the Uganda Cranes still have a chance of qualifying for the 2030 Africa Cup of Nations.

On Desire Luzinda: What the president should do

A few moons ago, Uganda and other neighboring continents were awash with pictures of a naked frame purportedly thought to be belonging to Desire Luzinda. “Desire, who?” The people, after sniffing such good news, fell over themselves trying to grab hold of the pictures before Fr. Lokodo could wake up and snatch their phones. The naked pictures spread like wild fire across the country, jumping from phone to phone like grasshoppers.

However, by the time the pictures filtered through, the president’s social media accounts were rumored to have been hacked. I am sure the smart hacker extended his pudgy hands and hacked his WhatsApp as well and crossed all his blue ticks. That bastard! The president didn’t receive the pictures and was only given lugambo from his bigmouthed aide Tamale Mirundi, who only fed him sketchy information. But this is what the president should do to Desire Luzinda to reward her for her heroic, bold and developmental leap she took.

Send her for peace talks

Desire Luzinda, as witnessed in the undressed pictures, flashed a V-sign which signifies peace. The president, thus, should seize this opportunity and send Desire for peace talks to countries at war, say, in South Sudan where Machar and Kiir are plucking each other’s feathers. Ah, read the newspapers to know why they are fighting.

Naked truth

The president should task Desire Luzinda, because she was naked, to reveal the naked truth about the opposition’s agenda and how they currently go to work after abandoning walking to work. Do they crawl to work?

To clean her up

Because those were dirty pictures, the president should task KCCA and NWSC to clean her up and wash those dirty pictures so that investors can freely come into this country without being afraid of stains.

Use her on his posters

Desire Luzinda is a global icon, isn’t she? Okay, she is not. But still, she is widely known and loved in equal measure especially by the men faction of society that built shrines on her where they privately worshipped her meaty thighs. The president, to avoid falling flat on his back come 2016, he should use her on his posters to garner support. If I was president, I would first lock Janet in the kitchen before slapping those pictures on my posters.

She should cover opposition’s eyes

Desire Luzinda had some decency even when she posed for the Kodak moment (I just wanted to use the phrase ‘Kodak moment’). She covered her nipples with her palms. She is good at covering. Even if your eyes are as big as her butt, you couldn’t see her stiff nipples. So, the president should instead use her to cover the opposition’s eyes so that they lose vision for this country. Yes, especially Besigye’s beady eyes.

 

Nyumirwanyoooo…oh!!

 

 

Monday Massacres: Tusaba Gavumenti Etuyambe

No, we didn’t steal an editor from Bukedde. It’s a trending Luganda phrase for “Furaaaaaayideeee!!!” Even if it’s Monday.

Seriously though, it’s a classic Shakespearean phrase for “We ask government to save us!” Cos shit man, there’s just too much to deal with.

William Shakespeare

1. The last house party I went to had more men than girls. The rules of partying all across the world do not condone such foolery. Estrogen rules! #TusabaGavumentiEtuyambe

2. When you enter a taxi, you immediately lose value. Like that shittyass flabby ex. They’ll stop anywhere for you but when disembarking, you tell them Wandegeya and they’ll drop you in Nakapiripirit district. Nti “there was no parking.” #TusabaGavumentiEtuyambe

3. People these days like following trends and end up forgetting who they are. They diss Miley Cyrus just cos all the internets are doing it and then go and load all his albums on their iPods. “Screw Miley Cyrus! ♩ ♪ ♫ Akemilaka wreeeeeekimbooooooo… ♬ ♭ ♮ ♯ ” #TusabaGavumentiEtuyambe

4. Boys should stop asking girls to come to their places “just to watch movies”. God hates liars. If you really want to go to heaven, tell her “Come to my place and we have sex”. And girls need to stop pretending they’ve come to watch movies. The sex won’t have itself. #TusabaGavumentiEtuyambe

5. Did you know that famous UG ambassador to the American accent Rarbin Kirsti recently had a battle of wits with our boy Ernestizzle Bazanyizzle on Twitter? Ask myself if you think I’m lying. It got too hot that her accent melted and she started saying things like ‘halarious’. #TusabaGavumentiEtuyambe

@bazanye But what the fuck is your fuckin problem dude, u bin on my case since I came here. Do you have a crash oh wat? #getafuckinjob

6. Complaining about KFC prices is like knocking on your neighbour’s door and asking them to please stop putting so much sugar in their coffee cos you’re those ends trying to watch TV and it’s distracting you. Just work harder and open a savings account so you can some day afford it too. #TusabaGavumentiEtuyambe

7. Many Ugandans find it prestigious to have haters. Cos according to great advice from reputable icons in their headphones like Yung Gotti Flower and J Boner Flex and Lil ill and Blind Fas Chiggiwiggi and other admirably named rappers, having haters is a sign that you’re rich and young and successful and gat bitches in the hood and you wake up in a new Bugatti. So next time someone calls to say they hate you, jump up and down in euphoric folly and quickly grab a bike to the nearest ATM. Cos your account has just been credited, dude!

Sex And The univerCITY; A Campuser’s Diary

Dear diary,

I have come to you in my darkest hour because if I go to the internet, it may leak like that sex tape everyone is talking about. Funny thing about that incident, the only thing that leaked was the tape. I don’t know if anyone else noticed that… even the tap water was not flowing. Kyoka campusers. LOL {Lots of Libido}.

Anyway, me I’m not amused, as in, what was up with the soaping action? I’m surprised Sempa hasn’t come out to decry the potential sodomy that was there. Wabula, people can be dry, at least in prison movies they fast wait for you to drop the soap. This guy didn’t want to wait. Naye I get where he was coming from, campus can be hard. You get?

As in, coming…hard… I wonder what soap he used.

I think Lifebuoy is the one they usually use for such dodgy acts, but I don’t think he would have been able to sustain his attention with the smell of that soap. Munange diary, I remember those days of Lifebuoy. The thing would even stain your hands. Kale he should have just used Geisha, he would have lasted longer, oba.

But campusers can also be competitive. Not in class, obviously, but outside…or inside, depending on how you look at it. Kati guys are saying there are 400 more sex tapes that leaked. None of them is from that ka-boy Chris Thomas which sucks. Me when I skive classes on campus it is to watch movies, not to star in them. Things can change.

But you know what, I think maybe I am speaking from a place of beef. I think if I had a smartphone I would have also experimented. But I can imagine already…

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Eh, but that can chew my airtime mob, but at least it won’t leak in the papers or facebook. But who would recognise me anyway? Zerros can overtie on me though. It’s like that time I jumped the wall. Fithe was on my fresh, mbu I had climbed the wall. I told him to prove it and he pointed at my freshly broken hand. I was in pain, but I convinced him it was April Fool’s. Kyoka Old timers!

But how did they convince that chick also them? Oba what’s the going rate? She didn’t even look high, but the way she just bent over, proper pro just! I think she has been to prison before, no one bends with such gas without experiencing the penile code… oba is that supposed to be the penal code. Kasta it’s a code of some sort.

Naye now, this other dude who was filming them, is he bisexual? How can he conc be there looking at his peeps. Atte in clothes. At least he would have lied mbu he will join them in a bit, then, when they are not looking, he screams that soap has entered his eyes. Then, when the pals are there telling him mbu, sorry, what, he would have said to the guy, me I’m easy, now even you enter her eye. Vibing 101.

–          A Campuser

 

PSA: Ask Not What Buganda Can Do For You…

We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming for this kalango.

The official way of looking at it…

Oct 2013: Kabaka of Buganda commissions the MTN Uganda Mobile Money collection platform for the Buganda Kingdom development initiatives

Our take:

Welcome to another exciting edition of WHO WANTS TO SPONSOR A MONARCHY? I see you scratching your head wondering, ‘another’? That’s right, another, this is that exciting event that’s got the whole world doing a little something for their royal family. The UK is still collecting facial expressions for the queen mother and as we write this, they are first approaching smiles. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, SMILES.

But this craze is not just in bulaya. Walahi, even here next door, the wonderful albeit clothes deficient people of Swaziland are still breeding beautiful young girls for the king to pick whenever he feels like it. The government is getting involved too; they have banned the importation of bras into the South African country. And men are getting in on the action. Last we heard, there has been a resurgence in the use of the popular pick up line, “let me introduce you to a friend that will treat you like a princess”.

So where do you come in? It’s simple, Uganda, like most countries that are NOT Russia, has kingdoms. And like most kingdoms, that are NOT America, these are headed by a king or queen…or a tree. The wonderful people at MTN have made it easy for you to help the Kabaka go about his development initiatives. Oh, and here’s the best part, you won’t even have to vacate your seat. You just need to whip out your phone, go to the Mobile Money menu and send your contribution to help with developing the place.

You know how you keep looking at kids, wondering what they are taught these days? Well, my friend, that little brown thing wearing glitter and denying that she stole your Long Island Ice Tea, could benefit from a school.

Think of it this way, if you buy her a drink in the club, or even hand her money, you’re corrupting her morals. Now you can look her in the eye and say, NO! I will put up with your shit no longer, I will send you to school and before she can roll said eye, whip out your phone and contribute to one of the Kabaka’s projects.

How about our crammy hideous horrible roads? While Jennifer is working on them, and putting together a carnival, you can do something about them too! Scroll back to that line about whipping out your phone and making a difference.

For more information on how you can do something, click here.

UPDATE

We may have gone overboard with the whole school kid thing…

Speaking to his subjects, Kabaka Mutebi pointed out three major projects that are in need of development including; re-building of the Masiro, renovation of the Bulange buildings and funds for the Bulungi Bwansi projects among several others. He urged the people of Buganda and well-wishers to embrace this innovation from MTN and donate generously towards the development of the Kingdom

…but that doesn’t mean you can go ahead and splash dime on those young úns willy nilly. They have to work for it. ..and leave first thing in the morning.