Category Archives: Columns

On Desire Luzinda: What the president should do

A few moons ago, Uganda and other neighboring continents were awash with pictures of a naked frame purportedly thought to be belonging to Desire Luzinda. “Desire, who?” The people, after sniffing such good news, fell over themselves trying to grab hold of the pictures before Fr. Lokodo could wake up and snatch their phones. The naked pictures spread like wild fire across the country, jumping from phone to phone like grasshoppers.

However, by the time the pictures filtered through, the president’s social media accounts were rumored to have been hacked. I am sure the smart hacker extended his pudgy hands and hacked his WhatsApp as well and crossed all his blue ticks. That bastard! The president didn’t receive the pictures and was only given lugambo from his bigmouthed aide Tamale Mirundi, who only fed him sketchy information. But this is what the president should do to Desire Luzinda to reward her for her heroic, bold and developmental leap she took.

Send her for peace talks

Desire Luzinda, as witnessed in the undressed pictures, flashed a V-sign which signifies peace. The president, thus, should seize this opportunity and send Desire for peace talks to countries at war, say, in South Sudan where Machar and Kiir are plucking each other’s feathers. Ah, read the newspapers to know why they are fighting.

Naked truth

The president should task Desire Luzinda, because she was naked, to reveal the naked truth about the opposition’s agenda and how they currently go to work after abandoning walking to work. Do they crawl to work?

To clean her up

Because those were dirty pictures, the president should task KCCA and NWSC to clean her up and wash those dirty pictures so that investors can freely come into this country without being afraid of stains.

Use her on his posters

Desire Luzinda is a global icon, isn’t she? Okay, she is not. But still, she is widely known and loved in equal measure especially by the men faction of society that built shrines on her where they privately worshipped her meaty thighs. The president, to avoid falling flat on his back come 2016, he should use her on his posters to garner support. If I was president, I would first lock Janet in the kitchen before slapping those pictures on my posters.

She should cover opposition’s eyes

Desire Luzinda had some decency even when she posed for the Kodak moment (I just wanted to use the phrase ‘Kodak moment’). She covered her nipples with her palms. She is good at covering. Even if your eyes are as big as her butt, you couldn’t see her stiff nipples. So, the president should instead use her to cover the opposition’s eyes so that they lose vision for this country. Yes, especially Besigye’s beady eyes.

 

Nyumirwanyoooo…oh!!

 

 

Monday Massacres: Tusaba Gavumenti Etuyambe

No, we didn’t steal an editor from Bukedde. It’s a trending Luganda phrase for “Furaaaaaayideeee!!!” Even if it’s Monday.

Seriously though, it’s a classic Shakespearean phrase for “We ask government to save us!” Cos shit man, there’s just too much to deal with.

William Shakespeare

1. The last house party I went to had more men than girls. The rules of partying all across the world do not condone such foolery. Estrogen rules! #TusabaGavumentiEtuyambe

2. When you enter a taxi, you immediately lose value. Like that shittyass flabby ex. They’ll stop anywhere for you but when disembarking, you tell them Wandegeya and they’ll drop you in Nakapiripirit district. Nti “there was no parking.” #TusabaGavumentiEtuyambe

3. People these days like following trends and end up forgetting who they are. They diss Miley Cyrus just cos all the internets are doing it and then go and load all his albums on their iPods. “Screw Miley Cyrus! ♩ ♪ ♫ Akemilaka wreeeeeekimbooooooo… ♬ ♭ ♮ ♯ ” #TusabaGavumentiEtuyambe

4. Boys should stop asking girls to come to their places “just to watch movies”. God hates liars. If you really want to go to heaven, tell her “Come to my place and we have sex”. And girls need to stop pretending they’ve come to watch movies. The sex won’t have itself. #TusabaGavumentiEtuyambe

5. Did you know that famous UG ambassador to the American accent Rarbin Kirsti recently had a battle of wits with our boy Ernestizzle Bazanyizzle on Twitter? Ask myself if you think I’m lying. It got too hot that her accent melted and she started saying things like ‘halarious’. #TusabaGavumentiEtuyambe

@bazanye But what the fuck is your fuckin problem dude, u bin on my case since I came here. Do you have a crash oh wat? #getafuckinjob

6. Complaining about KFC prices is like knocking on your neighbour’s door and asking them to please stop putting so much sugar in their coffee cos you’re those ends trying to watch TV and it’s distracting you. Just work harder and open a savings account so you can some day afford it too. #TusabaGavumentiEtuyambe

7. Many Ugandans find it prestigious to have haters. Cos according to great advice from reputable icons in their headphones like Yung Gotti Flower and J Boner Flex and Lil ill and Blind Fas Chiggiwiggi and other admirably named rappers, having haters is a sign that you’re rich and young and successful and gat bitches in the hood and you wake up in a new Bugatti. So next time someone calls to say they hate you, jump up and down in euphoric folly and quickly grab a bike to the nearest ATM. Cos your account has just been credited, dude!

Sex And The univerCITY; A Campuser’s Diary

Dear diary,

I have come to you in my darkest hour because if I go to the internet, it may leak like that sex tape everyone is talking about. Funny thing about that incident, the only thing that leaked was the tape. I don’t know if anyone else noticed that… even the tap water was not flowing. Kyoka campusers. LOL {Lots of Libido}.

Anyway, me I’m not amused, as in, what was up with the soaping action? I’m surprised Sempa hasn’t come out to decry the potential sodomy that was there. Wabula, people can be dry, at least in prison movies they fast wait for you to drop the soap. This guy didn’t want to wait. Naye I get where he was coming from, campus can be hard. You get?

As in, coming…hard… I wonder what soap he used.

I think Lifebuoy is the one they usually use for such dodgy acts, but I don’t think he would have been able to sustain his attention with the smell of that soap. Munange diary, I remember those days of Lifebuoy. The thing would even stain your hands. Kale he should have just used Geisha, he would have lasted longer, oba.

But campusers can also be competitive. Not in class, obviously, but outside…or inside, depending on how you look at it. Kati guys are saying there are 400 more sex tapes that leaked. None of them is from that ka-boy Chris Thomas which sucks. Me when I skive classes on campus it is to watch movies, not to star in them. Things can change.

But you know what, I think maybe I am speaking from a place of beef. I think if I had a smartphone I would have also experimented. But I can imagine already…

o—.___      o–.

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o                 o

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_// <\          ___/__o

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o             o

X               \

__//__o          o–\_=

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o          o

o_/\/___      o__\/\__

‘                  `

 

 

o o            o o

\|_           _\|

/TT \         //TT

 

 

 

o____            o o

o—.\__          \|

\__`         /|

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| |

\o/        __

|          _\o__o

/o\       _|

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o

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_( |

 

Eh, but that can chew my airtime mob, but at least it won’t leak in the papers or facebook. But who would recognise me anyway? Zerros can overtie on me though. It’s like that time I jumped the wall. Fithe was on my fresh, mbu I had climbed the wall. I told him to prove it and he pointed at my freshly broken hand. I was in pain, but I convinced him it was April Fool’s. Kyoka Old timers!

But how did they convince that chick also them? Oba what’s the going rate? She didn’t even look high, but the way she just bent over, proper pro just! I think she has been to prison before, no one bends with such gas without experiencing the penile code… oba is that supposed to be the penal code. Kasta it’s a code of some sort.

Naye now, this other dude who was filming them, is he bisexual? How can he conc be there looking at his peeps. Atte in clothes. At least he would have lied mbu he will join them in a bit, then, when they are not looking, he screams that soap has entered his eyes. Then, when the pals are there telling him mbu, sorry, what, he would have said to the guy, me I’m easy, now even you enter her eye. Vibing 101.

–          A Campuser

 

PSA: Ask Not What Buganda Can Do For You…

We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming for this kalango.

The official way of looking at it…

Oct 2013: Kabaka of Buganda commissions the MTN Uganda Mobile Money collection platform for the Buganda Kingdom development initiatives

Our take:

Welcome to another exciting edition of WHO WANTS TO SPONSOR A MONARCHY? I see you scratching your head wondering, ‘another’? That’s right, another, this is that exciting event that’s got the whole world doing a little something for their royal family. The UK is still collecting facial expressions for the queen mother and as we write this, they are first approaching smiles. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, SMILES.

But this craze is not just in bulaya. Walahi, even here next door, the wonderful albeit clothes deficient people of Swaziland are still breeding beautiful young girls for the king to pick whenever he feels like it. The government is getting involved too; they have banned the importation of bras into the South African country. And men are getting in on the action. Last we heard, there has been a resurgence in the use of the popular pick up line, “let me introduce you to a friend that will treat you like a princess”.

So where do you come in? It’s simple, Uganda, like most countries that are NOT Russia, has kingdoms. And like most kingdoms, that are NOT America, these are headed by a king or queen…or a tree. The wonderful people at MTN have made it easy for you to help the Kabaka go about his development initiatives. Oh, and here’s the best part, you won’t even have to vacate your seat. You just need to whip out your phone, go to the Mobile Money menu and send your contribution to help with developing the place.

You know how you keep looking at kids, wondering what they are taught these days? Well, my friend, that little brown thing wearing glitter and denying that she stole your Long Island Ice Tea, could benefit from a school.

Think of it this way, if you buy her a drink in the club, or even hand her money, you’re corrupting her morals. Now you can look her in the eye and say, NO! I will put up with your shit no longer, I will send you to school and before she can roll said eye, whip out your phone and contribute to one of the Kabaka’s projects.

How about our crammy hideous horrible roads? While Jennifer is working on them, and putting together a carnival, you can do something about them too! Scroll back to that line about whipping out your phone and making a difference.

For more information on how you can do something, click here.

UPDATE

We may have gone overboard with the whole school kid thing…

Speaking to his subjects, Kabaka Mutebi pointed out three major projects that are in need of development including; re-building of the Masiro, renovation of the Bulange buildings and funds for the Bulungi Bwansi projects among several others. He urged the people of Buganda and well-wishers to embrace this innovation from MTN and donate generously towards the development of the Kingdom

…but that doesn’t mean you can go ahead and splash dime on those young úns willy nilly. They have to work for it. ..and leave first thing in the morning.

Ja-Rule-RATE-IT-psd72130

Shoulda Stopped When | Ja Rule

So I took a stroll in a video library the other day, as you would, looking for something to hold me till the next illegal download was made available to ‘dude on the street with the stack of DVDs’.

I thought, may be I would take one of those nostalgic trips down memory lane and revisit a movie that I thought I was too young to understand back in the day, like Coming To America or something, then something caught my eye.

barbecue-party-84

Danny Glover, how low can you go?

Right there, peeping from a cast of, oh I don’t know, 100 wannabes, on a DVD cover was Ja Rule. I don’t think you get it, let me try again. JA freakin’ RULE. I thought he had faded in to obscurity and yet, here he was, going against all odds and trying to find some sort of significance.

You’d think a Google search would have been a more promising venture for him, but nope, Ja decided he would run to the world of straight to DVD flicks.

I’ll sideline my personal bias against him for a sec, Ja Rule was not necessarily a bad rapper. Hell, I still have fond memories of the ‘voice-breaking’ facilitator, “Holla-Holla”. It was a feel good jam, almost a vehicle for pubescent rebelliousness and we dug it.

Then there was his involvement in the Blackstreet-Janet Jackson back and forth, “Girlfriend-Boyfriend” or “Boyfriend-Girlfriend” or “Couple” or whatever. I thought that was not too shabby. Screw it, I’ll be charitable and say, it was ‘alright’.

He was not doing too badly on collabos. He teamed up with his mouse-alike “Mary J Blige” on Rainy Days and enjoyed a reasonable flow of success, rode that silver cloud to Thug Lovin’ with Bobby “Houston” Brown and, shit, I’ll be damned, it was a solid song. It’s possible that there’s a more fitting adjective for that track, but you know what I mean.

Not Mary J Blige

Not Mary J Blige

There were the tracks with Ashanti and against my musical sensibilities’ better judgement, I allowed “Wonderful” in to my life. Looking back, I can’t help but think, if it wasn’t for the video, R Kelly’s involvement, the money the cars and all the shit it had, I wonder, would I still love it? Would I still play it…would I, dare I say it, still be mesmerised?

Then he went the diss route. For whatever reason, he had a feud with Eminem, 50, Dre and by extension, most of the people who came in to contact with them. I’m almost certain the feud is expounded upon some place online, but this is ULK, not Wikipedia. Artists really get off on this beef stuff and don’t get me wrong, it does make for decent entertainment from the sidelines.

We stop trying to wax deep dropping statements like “man, the lyrical content in there was ‘ill’ son!” and give in to the ‘local’ in us, “Mwana, guy, bavumye omusaja!”.

Now the problem is simple, Ja Rule tried too hard. He went against the new kids on the block and failed. Terribly. And when he was done failing, he tried again and failed some more. This is not to say he did not succeed at getting them to pay attention to him, far from it. You don’t do a diss song calling a black rapper a homosexual or bisexual, dissing a guy’s kid and you think, ‘eh, it’s just jokes, eh, eh. LOL’.

Mfudde nze!

Mfudde nze!

Eminem, Dre and 50 came back at him, guns blazing and somewhere along the way picked up Busta Rhymes for good measure. Shit, such was the amount of backup on this thing, even Timbaland threw in a half hearted diss. Seriously, at the end of the jam, it comes as an afterthought, almost like he was thinking, ‘first wait, I haven’t released anything in a while, let me remind people I’m here and I also don’t like Ja. Mbu homosexual? Let me stick it to him by telling him to suck my dick. That should show how uber male I am.”

If Ja had stuck with his ish ish collabos, I suspect things would have turned out a little different, but having been buried, he decided to resurrect his career in the only way a has been rapper can, he ran to Hollywood.

He does deserve some credit for sneaking in to a Scary Movie flick for the sole reason that no one takes those seriously anymore, so bad acting actually looks like the actor did try to act horribly and succeeded.

Oh, and he tried to pull a Matrix and dodge taxes. He failed.

From motion pictures to mugshots, we gonna clap back.

From motion pictures to mugshots, we gonna clap back.

However, with more and more movie titles rubbing themselves against his name like some a prostitute unsure of how to go about marketing his/her wares, you can’t help but think Jeffrey Atkins should have stopped way back when.

Mwami...er, emmesse?

Mwami…er, emmesse?

 

Condom Shortage In Uganda: How To Have Sex The Economically Friendly Way

Kids in Uganda are starving, ADF rebels have regrouped for fresh attacks, Egypt is politically unstable and now we know why. There’s a new shortage of condoms in the country. People are stranded and the world economy is on the brink of eternal collapse cos there seems to be no solution.

300 condoms

Well, there is. Get the popcorn. Below are the top ten UNBS-approved ways to curb the condom problem by having sex in a cost-saving manner:

1. The most common method is to wash your condom after use and use it again. And wash it again and use it again. And wash it again and use it again till it hits retirement age.

2. Don’t use the condom alone. Use it together with your partner.

3. Have sex sparingly. You can have half of it in the morning and then complete the other half later in the evening.

4. Outsource all sexual activities. You can hire interns to have sex on your behalf.

5. Have sex with people in exchange for condoms.

6. Wait for your neighbor to finish having sex and then knock to ask if they are done using their condom so you can borrow.

Sexual neighbour

7. Collect all your sex from the past, present and future and have it at once. Just like bulk SMS, bulk sex is cost-effective and comes with great discounts.

8. To avoid STDs, avoid STDs.

9. Alternatively, you can have sex quietly. That way, the viruses won’t hear you.

10. To avoid pregnancy, don’t pick up when she calls the next day.

 

Merry Christmas & Happy Intercourse!

The Summers’ Guidebook: How To Lie That You’ve Been Outside Countries And Get Away With It

For normal people, it’s easy to go outside countries. You just go to the airport, ask where planes going to your destination are parked, get on a plane of your choice, pay the conductor and go.

For Ugandans, however, it’s a whole different sausage. To go outside countries, all they do is change accents and then they become summers*. What they forget is the industry of going outside countries has continuously evolved into something much much bigger than just changing accents.

Ku siteegi

For instance, if you want people to know you visited London without revealing that it was actually London Pub in Kabalagala, simply follow the instructions below:

1. Start by disappearing. Buy a bunch of DVDs, lock yourself in the house for a week and switch off your phone.

2. For some, however, switching off the phone could prove tricky cos you have to call the DVD guy and complain about the Chinese subtitles. So it’s okay. Keep the phone on. But when people call, always make sure there’s a 5-second-delay between their questions and your answers. They should know that your words first have to board a plane before reaching them.

3. Even when you type your messages, the letters should be at least 5cm apart.

4. And whenever you update your Facebook, make sure your location is set to “Outside Countries”.

5. As soon as you come out of hiding, change your accent. Make sure there’s ‘r’ in every word. It doesn’t matter that it’s British. By law. all outside accents have to have an ‘r”.

6. “IT WAS NICE TALKING TO YOU” is wrong. “IRT WARRZ NRRICE TARRRKING TOR YOURRRRR” is correct. For a more comprehensive tutorial, tune in to the nearest Ugandan English radio station.

7. In every conversation you bump into, drop the name of something famous from outside countries. When you walk into a room of people talking about malaria in Nakapiripirit district, tell them about the Eiffel Tower you saw the other day in New York when you flew to London.

8. At this point, you may notice a confused look on their faces that almost borders anger. That’s good. It’s the “Eh mama!” look. It means they’re envious. Pull a chair and show them some pictures of other beautiful places you visited. But make sure they have no watermarks. Google Images tends to do that sometimes.

If you’ve followed instructions above, congratulations! You’re officially a summer. We wish you a pleasant stay in Uganda.

PS: This guidebook also applies to people who have travelled to countries that can just as well be reached by road. Those are not outside countries. They are districts whose funds were swindled before they could be set up.

UgaDic

*Summer

/ˈsəmər/

  • Noun
 A Ugandan who buys an American accent on the black market but forgets the instruction manual.
  • Verb
To do a summer on your friends because for them they are fake and you’re original.
  • Synonyms
Radio presenter – Even TV – Robin Kisti – That other chap on Urban TV – Dudes trying to impress chicks.

Monday Massacres: Museveni vs Kasparov

Rumors being fueled by reports from a rival media house, brought to our attention by our now jobless receptionist, indicate that Grand Master Garry Kasparov is set to jet into the country and among other clever things, dumb things down and take on our head of state in a game of chess. This is exciting news. So exciting, we need a public holiday to celebrate it properly. So exciting, we should declare a national one-minute window during which everyone with access to public funds can take at will and there will be no repercussions…that’s not to say that not that there are any right now.

For so long now, the world has been laughing at Uganda after it became clear that we aren’t good at Chase. The wounds are still raw.

Big Brother: The Chase...of Ugandans

Chase: Ugandans need not apply

 Today, our benevolent leader wins back our pride by beating the Chess legend. We get to laugh last.  To leave nothing to chance, here are a few tips to make sure the Russian feigns illness midway through the game.

1. The thing that looks like a horse, it moves like an ‘L’. As in you move it forward as if two steps then you turn it one step to the right or to the left. It moves like Lukyamuzi in a riot; straight then it ducks just as the police starts to ask “Elo, what are you doing here?”

Police Arrest protestor

Ugandans ending a game of chase

2. The one with a cross on the head but as if wearing a dress is you. It is the king. Numero uno. Da bauss. A strange-cross-dressing king that can’t get a decent pair of trousers , unlike you.

Museveni

Kaspa-who? The gun?

3. The chess pieces do not ‘jump’ each other. That is another game played by people who are not intelligent like you

4. The piece with spiky things on its head and also wearing a dress like yours, that is the queen. She has balls of steel. She moves as she wishes. She goes everywhere, fast. She’s lethal. She’s like a boda boda with brains

5. The smallest piece is called the pawn. This is the foot soldier. The one you send to do a lot of the dirty work. It is the one that feels important yet it is dispensable. You have several of these around so it should be easy to relate.

Kasparov, this is to you:

E=mc2, so as I tends to infinity, x tends to zero.

Bring it on.

Should Have Stopped When | Rihanna

I know, you’re probably thinking that this particular Should Have Stopped When is a tad premature, what with Riri still belting out hit after hit. However, let’s think about this seriously, if someone is taking you for a ride, doesn’t the natural order of things impress upon you the need to scream, “maaso awo! Ku stage dammit!”?

Rihanna came in to our lives with Pon De Replay, a track which actually brought us to our feet every time it got rotation even if none of us really knew what the hell she was going on about. She then went on to release a series of other successful tracks that actually bled content.

At this point the biggest thing about Rihanna's career was her forehead

The biggest thing about Rihanna’s career here was her forehead

The problem is, somewhere along the line, she got lazy…and we let her. It sort of makes us hypocrites when you think about it, Halima Namakula releases a couple of nursery rhyme covers and we spew vitriol, but Rihanna subjects us to what we should know to be a lesson in vowels and we smile and scream for more.

The amnesia inspired track, “What’s my name?” shows this to be true as Rihanna prefaces her question with the words, “O-na-na”. Only after she has said that does she go on to ask what her name is.

I initially thought that may be this is a common problem in the Caribbean seeing as Beenie Man also prefaced his question with “Zim Zimmer” which makes about as much sense as a snail walking in to a store and purchasing salt, but on close inspection, she went on with her attack against proper words.

Disturbia saw her continue her vowel crusade, but this time she decided to drop names. She turned to the Flintstones for inspiration and went on to intone thus; “Bam-Bam-Bira-Bam-Bam-Bi-Bam-Ba”. If you think this sounds familiar, it should. It’s the sound hail makes as it hits a tin roof.

You know where you can shield yourself from the rain right?

Under her umbrella-ella-ella-eh-eh

Under her umbrella-ella-ella-eh-eh

To be fair, one can argue that her relationship status with words is ‘complicated’, but with songs like Te Amo and Unfaithful, she let’s the world see that she and the English language are more than friends.

Poke?

Do you poke? On FB as in?

On the other side of the tracks, there’s her tenacity to basically do one or two verses and then rehash them. I suppose one way of looking at it is that she teaches you the lyrics and hopes that you will sing with her. She is lonely that way.

Speaking of which…

If we had stopped Rihanna in her tracks around Pon De Replay, maybe she wouldn’t have caught Chris Brown’s fist eye. But catch it she did and they were the it couple for a while. And why wouldn’t they be, both of them were young, showed so much promise and their music was topping charts until, finally, the relationship ended with a hit.

Is that a mic in your pocket or are you happy to see me?

Is that a mic in your pocket or are you happy to see me?

Rihanna is still going strong, but the more discerning among you will notice you’re being taken for a ride and ask that you be let off at the nearest exit.

Monday Massacres: BBC to be shut down

In a move as daft as the bad guy’s decision to make small talk with the main actor before killing him, the British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC), against James Bond’s specific instructions, aired an interview with General David Sejusa (aka Tinyefuza) last week. The interview appeared on TV only a few days after the UK denied knowing where the retired spy master was. “I did not have sexual relations with that woman”

Airing the interview at a critical time like this in the world’s history means that the BBC is going to be closed down and a few employees asked to leap-frog around the office for two days. This action is in line with the closure of two newspapers in Uganda last month which published a confidential letter by the very same General Sejusa.

BBC

Soon-to-be-shutdown

Attempts to interview staff at the BBC London studio, where the interview was aired, were futile since the ones who were brave enough to creep out from under their desks (where most seemed to somehow have set up toilets, diners and beds) were crying uncontrollably, making their words hard to understand. Eye witnesses outside the plush offices confirmed spotting a few new lanky individuals who repeatedly speak into their wrists.

James Bond, “I tol’ ‘em not to air it. I donno why they di’it. Now I have to go undercover to protect ém”

Speaking on condition of anonymity, Mercelious Kukundakwe said that indeed “…they have to pay for such an act of terrorism. They dunont(sic) no us. We are going to [Edited. ED]

By press time, we were unable to establish whether tear gas will be exported to London to quell the resulting riots or whether some will be bought from there. As impartial as this article is, we recommend the export option; our tear gas bad.

As part of the interview, the General is noted to have said “All options are open… to remove Museveni”

Tinyefuza

General Sejusa strikes a presidential pose

His new UK SIM card has not yet been activated but these options, the grapevine says, may include, but probably won’t be restricted to:

  • Hurling his moustache, like a boomerang, to Uganda to hit him
  • Sending an unseat-from-power virus via Skype
  • Borrowing Harry Potter’s broom and flying to state house to kick in the door and demand that power is handed over to him
  • Using Whatsapp to show him what’s up by delivering scary images of his moustache