Category Archives: Columns

An Officer and an unfortunate Gentleman

NTV Uganda broke a story involving police brutality. This in turn drained our phones’ batteries as people forwarded the clip over and over. It also created the impression that we were actually up to date with current affairs… but that’s not the story.

The police spokesperson reportedly said they would suspend the driver of the vehicle that ran over an opposition supporter. A section of the public got upset at how lenient this penalty was given that not only was a man’s life endangered, his pants were made dirty.

Not everyone was exhaling flames, however, as we found out when we interviewed this imaginary student.

ULK:                 How old are you?

Student:          Come on, man. Haven’t you heard about mature entry?

ULK:                 I always assumed it was an outdated reference to consensual intercourse. Let’s proceed.

Student:          What the ****! Man! I’m sorry, I cannot tell you how excited I am, fam! A suspe for cruising over a guy. Too baed!

ULK:                 Evidently English is not your strong point, are we to assume you feel for the victim?

Student:          Man, I’m G, you get? As in, this guy’s loss is my meat, those things.

ULK:                 I’m not familiar with the expression.

Student:          You’re pashing on jobo, you guy. Those things of one man’s meat is another man’s gain. So, by acting as a rump for the police, I am also benefitting mob!

ULK:                 How does that work out?

Student:          Spot! I’m not studying law or those things of courtroom drama, but from Suits, I know they can’t give a young one and an adult the same punishment.

*editor’s note; Suits doesn’t say shit about that. It actually encourages people to cheat in their exams and use the expression “gaddam”.

Student:          That means they can no longer cane us brown envelopes as punishments. So if I chop morning prep, guess what?

ULK:                 No suspension

Student:          Exactly. Imagine I went back to my zeeyi’s and told them I had been suspended. Do you know what they would do?

ULK:                 Judging by your demeanour, your father would regret ignoring his conscience the night it told him, “Pull out”.

Student:          You guy, you have mob frass! Be easy. Chill that shizzy. My zeeyi would lash me kiboks thinking I had run over a student with a police truck. Then he would lash me for stealing a police truck.

ULK:                 Shit. There’s some sense dancing around in there.

Student:          As if sosh? It’s like the sense is trying to dance squeeze with those words and is afraid of rubbing its body against the supple curves of the letters?

ULK:                 Dafaque?

Student:          Anyway, my point is, I can chop morning preps, skive classes, escape from school, hug visitors from other schools…

ULK:                 Excuse me?

Student:          As in feel their bodies against mine…while I hold them tightly to make sure they don’t bolt, what… and I can even touch student teachers’ bums.

ULK:                 Without being suspended?

Student:          That would depend on the student teacher’s weight and size. . . and willingness to be suspended. These teachers can be very difficult. Shocking as it is, many are really willing to spare the rod.

ULK:                 Tell me, how do you expect to make it in the world. You won’t get by with what knowledge you have clearly failed to accumulate.

Student:          Easy, I’ll sketch a government bail out.


Beneath the lies review: Reflections of us.














I could watch Flavia Tumusiime in anything. If she was in every program on UBC t.v, that would be my favorite television. If she returned to teen’s club on WBS, that station would stop being a relic in my eyes. If Flavia had starred in a movie about how wet paint dries, it would be the greatest movie ever made. Anyway, this completely rational obsession is what drew me to Urban t.v (a station whose existence is still baffling to me) for the premiere of Beneath the Lies, a show which stars Flavia and other human beings. I review the premiere and try to offer guidance on whether you should watch or find better things to do on a Sunday night.

The episode opens with a break-in at Amaru`s (Cedric Babu) house in the night, a ninja takes out the guards (who to be honest weren’t doing any guarding) and proceeds to steal Amaru`s laptop. Amaru wakes up in time to see the Ninja escape and jumps out of bed. Strangely, he is wearing khaki trousers and black shirt, iam not an expert but I think that makes for very uncomfortable night wear. Jumping out of bed with him is Hellen (played by Hellen Lukoma), yes, apparently whoever was in charge of names couldn’t be bothered find another first name for her. Amaru apparently wasn’t aware of Hellen`s presence in bed with him (Hellen, that is creepy) and fumes at her while he calls Abby (Gaetano) and his lieutenant, Paul (Daniel Omara). They play the security tapes and the ninja, we find out, is Kamali Amaru (Flavia) who is indeed Amaru`s wife. Why Kamali should go to all the trouble of killing guards instead of just walking into what should be her house is beyond me but Amaru asks Abby to make sure he retrieves the laptop.

Meanwhile, we see where Kamali has taken the laptop; it is to Suuna (played by Faisal Seguya but who you know as Rabadaba). This Suuna guy is a wrong character and iam instantly inclined to hate him, he is threatening Kamali because she doesn’t have the right password to access the laptop. The truly terrifying thing is that he is very believable when he is threatening Kamali, great acting by Rabadaba, (who knew!!)

Kamali is not feeling well, this is quite understandable, she had quite the hectic night on top of being threatened and then we are given a flashback of when, I assume, Kamali together with Keitesi (Natasha Sinayobye) were still young and under the care of Patrick “Salvador” Idringi. The camera work and setting of this scene is great, it captures the bleakness and unsettling nature of what is going on. Salvado is into child trafficking and sells the two girls to Suuna and back to the present day, we see keitesi bringing some pain killers for Kamali.

Next scene is a house party, Kamali and Keitesi are making their entrance and Abby immediately takes a liking to Kamali. Chemistry is definitely in the air between Abby and Kamali although a bit too much in the case of Kamali who I am assuming is being forced into prostitution against her will but hey, Gaetano happens to be a suave dude. They retire to the bedroom and in a blink and you miss it scene, they are done with the “bedroom activities”. Hopefully, everyone got their money`s worth. However, this had been a trap, Abby and Paul already knew Kamali and Keitesi were thieves but Abby still went ahead and got himself some stuff (what a douche!!)

Fast forward to the morning and after what was a night of vigorous interrogations, Kamali tells them where the laptop was and Paul after realizing his boss`s questionable behavior i.e. sleeping with a suspect directly calls Amaru to pick his laptop. We get a scene of Amaru interrogating his wife and threatening to shoot her…somehow I don’t believe him probably because Rabadaba is much more convincing in threatening physical violence than Cedric. Iam intrigued by what happened between Amaru and his wife though and I look forward to finding out.

When the laptop is given to Amaru, it has been wiped clean and then he goes into some speech about being a hunter, wanting to hunt, blah blah blah and thus ended the episode. Maybe Cedric`s acting will grow on me, it seemed lackluster in the premiere.


Overall, an okay start. There is enough mystery and intrigue to tune in again and you will not cringe all the time over the acting. I hope there is more screen time for Hellen, Salvador and Rabadaba plus more romantic scenes between Flavia and Gaetano.

Meanwhile that flashback scene, how come only Flavia and Natasha grew up? Could Salvador and Rabadaba be vampires? Now, there is a twist for you…








I am at this famous Indian video library on William Street buying bootleg versions of Modern Family after such a long, hard and hectic day. I am testing it in the DVD player to make sure it is not something else when this blindingly hot chic, i repeat, blindingly hot chic enters and all the bu-video boys rush to tend to her needs( God!! in that moment, i wish i was one of them!!).

But as a sensible adult male, i maintain a cool detachment, give her one more glance and go back to testing my DVDs.

My mind however has not received the cool detachment memo, it tells me, “You freaking coward, get over there, say something cool and ask for her number, this is an exquisite vessel for the birth of your progeny. Do not let the male race down!!”

Me: Okay okay, relax I know what I am doing. I am descendant of Adam who has, through millennia of evolution has developed the tactics to approach a woman and blow her away with my “game”.

Mind: That’s what you keep telling yourself, I have not seen you blow away any lady lately, in fact the only blowing I know of is as you pass gas whenever a hot chic approaches.

Me: hey, that was just one time, let it go!!!

Mind: We will not argue about your competence or lack thereof regarding matters of the fairer sex, let us get back to the task at hand. Go and talk to blindingly hot chic.

Me: I am pondering about employing the blitzkrieg or undercover maneuvers of approach. What do you think?

Mind: what are you jabbering on about?

Me: Are you even my mind? Aren`t you automatically supposed to know what I mean, anyway what I mean is that, should I just walk over and ambush her with my awesomeness or should I pose like these video boys?

Mind: How about you just go, if you can move your feet that is…

Me: I do not appreciate your sarcasm. Okay, I am now going in.

Mind: I don’t see you moving and are you employing the sweating maneuver? Because your armpits are leaking faster that a torpedoed submarine. Tell me, do you intend to overwhelm her with your kavubuka?

Me: Shut up, and let me do my thing.

As I approach her, I cannot choose what to say, hi? hey? Hello? ki? whats up? Excuse me?

And while i ponder endlessly about the right choice of words she’s gone and now consigned to the shadows of my memory.

Mind: *sigh* your mother isn’t getting any grand kids, is she?

In The News, This Week

Ever since this week yawned and woke up from its cold bed on Monday, it hasn’t gone back to sleep. It is an insomniac week. It needs its sleeping pills. However, a lot has happened in the paltry of days that have passed. If you never noticed, slap yourself hard in the face and thank God for MBs. Moving on, this is what has happened so far that people won’t stop jabbering about around their pots of malwa in their little, filthy bufundas.

Make it rain

The rains are back. They never sent a WhatsApp, or a DM. They just came, unannounced. Most city dwellers were sweating mbu nti there are being subjected to too much sunshine, which causes rickets, by the way. And soon, they might be balding because the sunshine was scorching. Amidst the wails and pleas, NWSC showed us mbu it is the custodian of water, that Desire is overrated and it gave us Zari. Also, just like that, without notice. It cut off water supply within the city suburbs. In the process, a new cologne had been invented (thanks to not showering) and most folks couldn’t wait to get to office and use office toilets and brush their teeth in there. However, God looked down at us and said, “My creation, also!” He told the askali to open the gates and the rains poured. It has been cold. Too cold. The bachelors and the bachelorettes and the freindzoned and the chucked and the singulars have been at pains with the coldness. The poor souls in Bwaise couldn’t comment by press time.

Sheikh Muzaata’s mouth

When he opens his mouth, he never closes it. And when he doesn’t close it, it causes chaos. Sheikh Muzaata has caused a storm in a tea jug when he commented about the etoofali money-making scheme and the president, not with the hat, but with the weed, didn’t take it lightly. The president in this case, if you’re slower than two snails, is Bobi Wine, smoked and chewed some cud and barked back at the Sheikh. They barked and barked, like stray dogs upon seeing a female dog walking past them without saying hi. The barking is still on.

Minister Philemon Mateeke, the fashionista

He was appointed State Minister for Regional Cooperation by fellow agemate. At the handover ceremony of the office, the youthful minister (who looks too old) pitched up at the offices, sauntered in like Oswald Boateng. His choice of dressing, an oversized coat that covered his fingers and touched his knees, his tie that looked like a camel’s tongue, his shirt that looked like it was pulled out of a rhino’s mouth caught everyone’s attention. The picture went viral that it is now copyrighted. The minister, however, hasn’t come out to say who his fashion inspiration was. He remains tightlipped. If he says it is Sevo, we shall let you know.

Also in the news, President Museveni met Amama Mbabazi’s wife, you know. They shook hands and smiled and winked at each other and sat and waited for 2016.


How To Avoid Getting Stuck in Mbarara.

It is said that KQ, the Pride of Africa with the exception of a few areas, had President Museveni stuck after failing to pick him from Mbarara.


First, who or what is Mbarara?

Mbarara is a landlocked country in Uganda that can be accessed by air or by milk. Its economy thrives mostly on the exportation of politicians and fake accents used in the production of struggling radio ads.

So how then did President Museveni get stuck in a country filled with such great promise? It could be any of two reasons.

  1. KQ’s planes do not have the capacity to carry all of 28 years in power.
  2. Air Uganda & Uganda Airlines fell in love and eloped.

But not to worry. Studies show that there are 10 possible ways to avoid getting stuck in Mbarara.

  1. Call KQ customer service and ask them to send a plane.
  2. Wonder what’s wrong, call back and ask KQ to forget the plane and just send a pilot.
  3. If the pilot is still in the toilet, ask KQ to send a cab.
  4. Ask KQ to ask Air Uganda to pick you.
  5. Called Sula the boda guy and ask him to pick fuel from KQ and come for you.
  6. Call President Kenyatta and report KQ.
  7. Call KQ customer service and ask if they’ve received a threat from President Kenyatta.
  8. Call back and ask why the hell they just hang up on you.
  9. Update your facebook as inquiries are made.
  10. If still stuck, you should probably just take a taxi.

Maria Kiwanuka Chats With Museveni. A Fly On The Wall Brings You The Convo

A few moons ago, President Museveni reshuffled cabinet. He basically meant, “I wear the pants in this country and every day I be’s reshuffling.” Old brooms were brought back to sleep some more.  Some accentuated brooms were shoved outside. It was surprising. These brooms swept in an accent and they swept our finances in the process. But these two had a brief chat the other day in some kafunda somewhere in Kulambiro. Our fly on the wall was there and it eavesdropped the whole conversation; here, in verbatim. It nodded its compound eyes at some point.

Museveni: Eh, Miria, you are here? Who told you about this place?

Kiwanuka: Misterrr Prrrezident, I always come here afterrr a laang day at work for kikalaayi. Been gaaad?

Museveni: Wangi? What’s ki..kikalaayi?

Kiwanuka: Hmm. Ask your new Minister of Animal Husbandry. Tonkooya!

Museveni: But..but Miria, there is ice in your voice. Bad day, huh?

Kiwanuka: Like you don’t read papers?

Museveni: Matter of fact, I do. You have a tape out, too? *Adjusts his hat*

Kiwanuka: Nah. I ain’t repearing myself. Ask your new minister of Information.

Museveni: Yesu! What wrong did I do now? Oh, wait, the cabinet reshuffle? Ah, that was a typo. Okay, it wasn’t, but you know..uhm, waiter!!

Kiwanuka: Carry on.

Museveni: Let me tell you what happened. That night, as I was drafting the new cabinet, I received a WhatsApp message from someone who told me to impeach you because you were all accents and my ministers always sleep throughout the budget reading. I said no. He said yes. I said no again. He said mbu nti yes. I rubbed you off. See, it wasn’t my fault. It was that guy’s fault. That snitch. That old moron. What do you take? Tusker Malt? Ah, these guys’ drinks are too expensive. Do you have some money on you?

Kiwanuka: Hmm. No. Ask your new Minister of Finance. Mstchewwww.




In the news this month…

Much to my consternation, the year is still young and as such it’s making stuff up as it slowly trudges along. Unfortunately, in the process, a lot of the stuff it’s chucking out at us happens to be a rehash of stuff we have seen or experienced before. On the plus side, we can sort of predict what’s to come… using algorithms, a mysterious dusty book from way back when and time travel. Here’s what you can bet will be in the news this month.

Another batch of nudies or sex tapes.

Musicians have been tackled, so have TV presenters, it’s only fitting that the nasties scale the walls of politics and claim a representative of the people. I’m not a gambling man, but I think the first prominent member to rear his head in your WhatsApp thread is going to be a former mayor. What will make it disturbing is the fact that you will not know whether you should laugh or be disgusted…or sorry. This cocktail of confusion will give way to…

An apology for the sex tapes…

For whatever reason, people have developed an annoying tendency to apologise for their leaks… Zari too, and if you watched her video, you would understand why it doesn’t make sense that she issued a statement. Issuing data refunds would have been more effective as would putting her back in to it next time, but I digress. The lead star in the new video will be despondent and say he is sorry that his “private parts are now in pubic”. We will laugh at how hysterical it is that he can not pronounce the word PUBLIC, but out mirth will quickly give way to anger as soon as…

The police will order a probe in to this new sex tape….

Which doesn’t make sense when you think about it. If you’re reading this, you are probably contributing to their salaries through some tax or other, however you have to ask yourself, why are they detaining people for more than 10 minutes under the pretext of questioning. Come on, how much time do you really need to ask a suspect whether that’s them appearing in the video/picture posing with a tin of doom saying, “you’ve been dirty, I’m the cleaner”.

I imagine out of the embarrassment, the accused will rush in with a full blown statement printed out in Times New Roman, double spaced and with a passport photo attached. Even if the interrogation went thus, “is that you? Are you sure? Are you reallllly sure?” It would be a miracle if it went beyond an hour…. And that’s factoring in the request that the person in question pose for selfies with some random traffic cop. What you really should be paying attention to is…

Another cabinet reshuffle…

In case you missed it, the president of the republic engaged his cabinet in a game of musical chairs at the end of last month… it was particularly interesting because it soon became apparent that the people in the game had no idea they were in a game and from subsequent interviews, it was evident that the president was not playing. It might have been that my WhatsApp message was truncated and as such I didn’t get the full list, but I imagine it’s only a matter of time before another seat is removed and some hapless individual has to face the music… but these things are not too bad. There’s always . . .

Jennifer’s body

KCCA has made it clear that they mean business and have gone around closing establishments that are unhealthy, breaking buildings and threatening to arrest boda boda riders who fart while their customers are on the phone… Alright, I may have imagined that last one, but the point is, the Executive Director is on a mission to prove she means business… Unfortunately the road to my place is not aware of this and still goes on to rape the tyres of cars and devour those of boda bodas in a sadistic ritual involving its children, the potholes…If you think that’s contrived, wait till you get a load of…

The Next Telenovella

Beneath The Lies gave our celebrities something to do (for those that could actually act, anyway) but NTV (also known as the TV station that hosts Fabiola’s hips) has struck gold with their latest idea. Simply put, it takes that feeling you get when you’re watching a show and thinking, “I’ve seen this before….” And shouts at you, “heck yeah! We just made it local”. Basically they are taking one of those Hispanic soaps with a tacky name such as, “The Wind Beneath The Flower of Death in The Valley” in the English language and something in Spanish that sounds poetic enough to make you want to have unprotected sex with it in poor lighting, apology letter in tow…. shit, that sentence went on for too long…

Right, so basically NTV has taken a show and decided to make it UGANDAN. This is a smart strategy for a number of reasons. For one thing there’s the digital migration nonsense that will see an uptick in local content, but why I think it is a clever move is this…. While The Hostel may come under scrutiny for poor acting, this new show will know it’s on the right track when people deride its stars for not looking genuine.


Of New Year Resolutions

Gen. Sejusa: My New Year resolution? Ah, let me see. I have quite a lot. I might re-change my name to something that evoke more fear. I might resume my letter writing if I land on the fool that stole my pen and my writing pads. How I miss them. Also, I might declare my intentions to get my jungle boots I used to own when we were still in the bush and run, not in the marathon, but for presidency. Don’t tell anyone yet. Will this get published?

Gen. Tinyefuza: Talk to Sejusa, silly. I am busy.

Zari: My New Year revolution? Haha. Kyoka mwe. Anyways, I want to dig deeper in the mines and, God willing, I will uproot gold, or copper..or carbohydrates. I have diamond so far. Also, this year, I plan to do more important things in life, like releasing a well-edited, worth the MBs, worth the eyes and time sex tape. Time of official release will be announced later. North Korea won’t stand in my way.

Nasser ‘Seya’ Ssebagala: My resolvement of this year is to first resign my advice I was giving it to the president. You see, I am a popular people. The president knows that. Even me, you see me, when I was the mayor and the people saw what I done, didn’t they? Let me tell you: that was shame, shame and a lot of shame because Desire, you saw the naked, not so? As her former mayor, I say no to that.

Amama Mbabazi: My New Year resolutions are quite a horde and if I let the cat out of the bag, I will be quoted wrongly which might go down badly. I don’t like that. Ask me the same question on 1st January 2016. I will be in a better position to tell you. I even lost my position as the Prime Minister even. I am not talking to press. Driver!

Loodi Meeya Erias Lukwago: I was greatly astonished and flabbergasted by my regrettable dismissal from office. It was hogwash and it was illegal. Jenny had absolutely no right to do that. Check in the Constitution. Tell the president to check chapter..ah, I have forgotten, but it is printed there. What was your question again?

Bebe Cool: Nothing will change. I will go ahead making a fool of myself. Gagamel ting this!

Bobi Wine: I can’t talk after Bebe Cool, mstchewwww. Busaaaabaaalaaa!!

Uganda Cranes: You know our thing.

Golola Moses: My New Year resolution is to still kick all the blooming flowers, smash all the anthers and stigma. I will get a little, skinny, rickety kickboxer from, this time round, Chad or Cambodia and kick his nuts. Then I will fall and crawl on the floor again. It’s my thing. Does the desert still have trees? I haven’t checked. But I promise to kick any tree there. I will look at Zari. Like this. Like this. And poof, something will be cast there, you know. I will use my mouth more. This year, I don’t want to be a joking subject, I will be a joke.

President Museveni: Do you still want raps? I might drop an album before 2016 comes. I might engage Kanye for a collabo. See, when we were still in the bush…Hold on: Besigye is calling.

The Weekly News Roundup

In dry corridors news

The week saw things. Yamawe! Socialite turned miner (She mines diamonds, lately) Zari released a sex tape and it has garnered a lot of revenue at Box Office. Okay, scratch the Box Office part. I am trying hard to write something about the sex tape because there was nothing to write home about. I am dry of words. Actually, as the one-second long sex tape went on, it turned out that Zari was akin to the dry corridors of Karamoja. Jose Chameleone’s concert might be staged for her. It was such a booooring piece that, after receiving it, people wanted to take it to the streets, matching, hoisting banners and protesting for time wastage and their precious MBs that were devoured in the process. Zari was also seen defiling a young, baby dildo. #BringBackOurMBs

In maids’ news

The venomous maid who was captured on camera jumping on top of a toddler’s back and hurled to the cells to help do laundry there, was dragged to the courts to determine her punishment. She looked different from a burly figure that was seen dancing on top of a kid’s back. Maids are ninjas. They can change shapes. But what made the headlines was, she rocked a thick wig that looked like a roof of a grass-thatched hut in Nakapiripiriti district. I always knew that wigs were associated with evil.

In I-hate-Ugandan-Men-And-Love-Nigerians news

She is gone. Poof! Gone with the wind. Off the shelf. Off the boda-boda. Off the list. Seanice Kacungira got married. Yeeey! Well, we are happy for her. It’s been a looooong time of waiting to see the lucky nigga. At last, the news found us awake. Mbu she never got Desire’s memo about Nigerians. She said, “Waaah. Gaa’way, Desire. I am gerrin’ married.” So, a one Fabian Adeoye pulled her off from Ugandan men’s grips. Kyoka Ugandan men can be slow. The hunky actor got married to the former radio extraordinaire. If you don’t know the hunky actor, slap yourself hard in the face and say, “I am silly!” Then proceed to Google for help. Anyways, he acts in Jacob’s Cross. Yeah, those things. Seanice, we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy marriage. And, God forbid, we don’t want to see you flashing V-signs all over.

In confusion news

The parliament, unsurprisingly, was still awash with confusion before we went to press. The confused law makers were still probing each other, pointing long nailed-fingers at each other mbu nti “You stole my pen. You stole gov’t money. You stole blah, blah..” Katosi Road was still covered with dust because money was hidden in some people’s stomachs and they refused to go to the loos. Kwegamba, it was full of confusion. I am even confused.

In searching news

Col. Dr. Kizza Besigye’s maid, Mugumya, who has since disappeared off the radar was still missing. Actually, no one gave a f**k about him this week. I just felt like rubbing it in your face so that when you’re cleaning your house over the weekend, search for him. He could be under your bed. Oh, doesn’t this put some small truth to the assumption that aliens come to earth late at night when all of you are either asleep or wanking or pondering about it, and steal a few things from us and go back home? Maybe. Ask Tamale Mirundi. He speaks like an alien.

We are so broke to give business news. For sports news, the Uganda Cranes still have a chance of qualifying for the 2030 Africa Cup of Nations.

On Desire Luzinda: What the president should do

A few moons ago, Uganda and other neighboring continents were awash with pictures of a naked frame purportedly thought to be belonging to Desire Luzinda. “Desire, who?” The people, after sniffing such good news, fell over themselves trying to grab hold of the pictures before Fr. Lokodo could wake up and snatch their phones. The naked pictures spread like wild fire across the country, jumping from phone to phone like grasshoppers.

However, by the time the pictures filtered through, the president’s social media accounts were rumored to have been hacked. I am sure the smart hacker extended his pudgy hands and hacked his WhatsApp as well and crossed all his blue ticks. That bastard! The president didn’t receive the pictures and was only given lugambo from his bigmouthed aide Tamale Mirundi, who only fed him sketchy information. But this is what the president should do to Desire Luzinda to reward her for her heroic, bold and developmental leap she took.

Send her for peace talks

Desire Luzinda, as witnessed in the undressed pictures, flashed a V-sign which signifies peace. The president, thus, should seize this opportunity and send Desire for peace talks to countries at war, say, in South Sudan where Machar and Kiir are plucking each other’s feathers. Ah, read the newspapers to know why they are fighting.

Naked truth

The president should task Desire Luzinda, because she was naked, to reveal the naked truth about the opposition’s agenda and how they currently go to work after abandoning walking to work. Do they crawl to work?

To clean her up

Because those were dirty pictures, the president should task KCCA and NWSC to clean her up and wash those dirty pictures so that investors can freely come into this country without being afraid of stains.

Use her on his posters

Desire Luzinda is a global icon, isn’t she? Okay, she is not. But still, she is widely known and loved in equal measure especially by the men faction of society that built shrines on her where they privately worshipped her meaty thighs. The president, to avoid falling flat on his back come 2016, he should use her on his posters to garner support. If I was president, I would first lock Janet in the kitchen before slapping those pictures on my posters.

She should cover opposition’s eyes

Desire Luzinda had some decency even when she posed for the Kodak moment (I just wanted to use the phrase ‘Kodak moment’). She covered her nipples with her palms. She is good at covering. Even if your eyes are as big as her butt, you couldn’t see her stiff nipples. So, the president should instead use her to cover the opposition’s eyes so that they lose vision for this country. Yes, especially Besigye’s beady eyes.