Author Archives: The Legends

About The Legends

are hard at work. Sweating even.

#WhoIsRolenceNkoko | Official Trailer Released

Ladies, gentlemen and the entire general public population at large, who the hell is this Rolence Nkoko the whole internets are talking about?

We henceforth therefore thus hereby take this opportune juncture to present the official trailer of lethal awesomeness coming soon from the ULK ninjas. THERE WILL BE DEATH!

Streetsider Resigns: A Full Report On How & Why

The Streetsider, known mostly for the darkness that engulfs a room when he walks in and for being the very famous legend who took on Enygma in the rap battle which made Enygma start wearing masks, and also for being a writer and director here at Urban Legend, is not here anymore. Okay, he’s not here in office right now but he has also formally resigned.

He is known for crazy stories like this and for disturbing, stop-you-are-killing-me-top-tens like this and this and for hundreds of other incisive articles. We sent out a highly-trained, specialist investigative team to google what happened.

Streets

The Legendary Streetsider kills the camera with nothing but bare hands. And face. Although we wanted the chicks & he just jumped in.

Agent Sleek here

I walked into office quite early. The first thing that hit me was that the belly-dancers who greet us as we walk in weren’t in position; strange. Then I saw a trail of goo on the floor…a trail leading up to Streetsider’s office. My Sleek sense started tingling.  I withdrew my weapon of choice, my left fist, from my pocket.  I kicked Streets’ door in in time to find him being led to an orb of light by fourteen aliens. I know they were fourteen because I asked them to get in line so I could count them. He said they’d paid him top dollar to teach them how to molomolo. It is this fancy gyration used to win International recognition. In one bleep, he was gone.

Detective Ivan here

I always suspected that dude was unstable. In fact, the first time I started thinking this was about the time I handed him my drink and he tripped right after. That and the fact that the letters in his name actually spell ‘Unstable’. Of course, that does not really answer the question of the ‘where’ does it? For that I had to go around questioning more of the usual suspects, and turned up nothing. Besigye denied ever walking with The Streetsider and all the popular streets claimed that he was no longer lurking by their sides. It was baffling to say the least. For a split second I even wanted to consult with a higher authority, but you know how it is with consulting high people, you can never get a word in. I seem to be digressing more and more. Instead of concerning ourselves with strange disappearances, what we should concern ourselves with is what this means for the country. For instance, will people switch from grasshoppers and turn to locusts? Will hips start lying? There’s a ridiculous amount of ‘more’ appearing in here, I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. In fact, let me graciously hand over to the next capable person.

Coporo Erique reports

I always knew he had a thing for the chick who sells mandazi just outside the office gate. It’s only now that I confirm it. We don’t allow relationships at work for the sake of national security and resigning was the only way he was going to make it work with her. Either that or she had to start selling mandazi outside another office gate and risk losing a great deal of customers. You know this economy is not mandazi-friendly. Most people prefer sumbusa, rolex, marriage bill and the occasional katogo. Personally, if you brought a chick who sells katogo here, I’d probably also resign.  So yeah, Street’s resignation is a mandazi resignation.

Baz Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. here

I don’t know why everyone is looking at me like that. I didn’t do it, okay. Yes, I have always been jealous of his steez, and the fact that he can shoot bullets back into the gun caused me no small amount of nuggu, yes, I have consulted with his enemies and haters to find out what we can do to, to plot a way forward, yes, I even hacked into his Facebook account and sent Margla Da Dancehall Queen a friend request on his behalf, in the hope that things will take their own course. But I did not destroy Streetsider. I could not. Nothing can. Ela just know you will hear from him again. Probably on the BBC or something.

And finally, a last word from the last ninja standing, The Streetsider

Last Street

Everyone knows I am as hard as constipation. That, and that only, is the reason why I am not going to allow this ka-tear that is threatening to pop out of my eye to make it. And if it does, that is why I going to suck it back into my eyeball by reverse osmosis. (As the convict said when they asked him why he was crying at his mother-in-law’s wake when everyone knew he was the one who had killed her, “what is good enough for the bullet is good enough for the tear.”)

Now as to the ‘how’ I have resigned, the answer is simple.

Aliens.

(yes, Sleek was right)

As to the ‘why’, I could say a lot but tell nothing. Some decisions make themselves and this was one of them. There is no real answer, if they brought Jennifer Musisi here and she fixed me with one of her stony eyeballs and demanded an answer I still would just present her with three and a half chapters of stammering only.

Maybe the aliens have the answer. Hmmm?… (shrug)

Stay tuned to ULK for all the jokes and laughs you need to get you through the day, the night, Christmas, your job, your break-up, tear gas … It was a whale of a time (as the wall clock protested when they asked it why it was blubbering)

This is the one who was once called Streetsider sighing out.

<<sigh>>

Goodbye.

Renegade: The Adventures Of Mike Mukula

He was a minister, and good at his job. But then he committed the ultimate crime and money vanished. Framed for corruption, now he prowls the badlands looking for the money so he can clear his name. An outlaw, a bounty hunter – a RENEGADE!

Mikey Mookey

 

Vision Blitz – “Good! Very good!”

Monitor Sqoop – “Bad! Too bad!”

Red Pepper – “Makes you horny.”

Bukedde – “HO!”

 

Photo submitted by the legendary Ayago Rakara.

Kenya Decided: Updates All Day, Baby. Update Your Bundle

 3:39pm

The number of rejected votes is scary.  BBC says mbu:

More than 250,000 spoiled ballots have been counted so far, the IEBC noted with concern – double the number of votes cast for the third-placed candidate, Musailia Mudavadi, who trailed far behind with just over 130,000 votes, or 3%.

Musalai

Sasa wewe, uli Vote rejected instead of me?

Rejected stands a better chance of being president. If only he’d campaigned

1:39pm

Message from Kenyans in The Diaspora

 

 

Curtis “50 Cent” Wafula

"Mulembe?"

“Mulembe?”

I jus wanna wish all my Kenyan niggas peaceful-ass elections, and congratulate y’all on votin for niggaz. Cos on da real, we need dat democracy shit to be poppin. Now, I ain’t been to Kenya in a while, but my ancestors be comin from Bungoma, knowmsayin. My grandpa be a Luhya, as you can see, I look just like him.

Now I just hope that the new president, President Hulu Canada will do some ill shit to help niggas of Kenyan descent in the diaspora, knowwhamsayin, by arrestin all y’all criminals who be piratin’ my music and sharin’ MP3s without buying my CDs. That’s my message. GGGGGG-UNIT!

 

 

Rihanna Wanjiru

Ere me now. Me bin com inna di Barbados but mi fadder dem com from Murang’a inna di Kenya. So me wan wish all dem Kenyan especially mi cousin Ciku, mi cousin Wairimu, an mi aunty Sheila Kwamboka. Yo Sheila, ya legs dem still na better dan mine. Me see ya tryin record some songs an become singer like me. It run inna di family. Yo. Congratulations inna di vote. Hope ya new president gets a good foreign affairs minister an ya get a visa.

Seriously, that's Kwambox' music video to the right. Click the link for the youtube. You will regret it.

Seriously, that’s Kwambox’ music video to the right. Click the link for the youtube. You will regret it.

 

Wiz Khalifa 

Don’t deport me, Obama. I don’t want to go back.

 

12:47 pm

CMB PREZZO CONTESTS ELECTIONS, THREATENS TO STOP SINGING.

Real Kenyan President CMB Prezzo has vowed to stop releasing new songs if a new president is sworn in without his consent. Speaking to ULK on condition of anonymity, His Excellency Prezzo said he officially took over power years back when he changed his name to Prezzo.

“That’s real democracy, my friend, unaelewa?” he stated. “And I was sworn in when they started buying my CDs.” Prezzo also expressed great disappointment that his name did not even appear on the ballot paper. “The only way I participated in this election was when Maina Kageni played one of my tracks in the car that was taking my friends to the polling station. Someone rigged this election.”

Prezzo

Prezzo appealed to the Uganda Electoral Commission of Kenya, IEBC to look into the matter immediately or risk losing all access to his awesome music and throwing the land of primitive energy back to the 1800s when the British used Kenyans as slaves because there was no Prezzo.

 

 

11:29 am

EVIL WESTERN MEDIA DISTORTS ELECTIONS

 

OOrrrdingrrrr...

OOrrrdingrrrr…

With provisional presidential election results from Kenya coming in placing Uhuru Kenyata in the lead, radio and TV journalists in America have began biting their tongues practicing how to say his name. So far 80 per cent of  CNN’s newsroom have reached the level where they say “Ken Yarra”, which, is a drastic improvement from two weeks ago when it was mostly “Keenie Yarder”.

Many journalists spoken to by ULK expressed some anxiety over the lead of Uhuru Kenyatta, saying they would have preferred president Rayler O’Dinger or Paul Moyter, or even better, Paul Kenneth to win the presidency of Kenya.

“We in America know Hulu as a website for watching videos. Now they tell us it’s gonna be an African president? That’s why we never write nothing positive about y’all Africans!” said the Wolf Blitzer on condition of anonymity.

 

10: 05 am

KIBAKI STILL PRESIDENT, KENYAN VOTERS SHTUKARING.

 

Kibaki on his way to office ths morning. Or maybe that is Yoda

Kibaki on his way to office ths morning. Or maybe that is Yoda

Kenyans in who just concluded voting in their general elections, which included elections to select a new president, registered shock and disbelief when they woke up this morning to find out that Mwai Kibaki, who had lead the nation for two terms, was still president. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one such Kenyan had this to say: “Ala? Ati wot? Manze!”

Officials from the Kenyan Electoral Commision, Kenyan Umeme,* explained that this was due to a legal loophole, a technicalitly that allows Kibaki to remain president until the inauguration ceremony when the new president is sworn in.

Speaking on condition of a little bit less anonymity the Kenyan mentioned above, now called Mwangi, said: “Oh. Iz okay then. Manze I had shtukad. I woz like the president is not going? Kwani thiz has become Uganda?”

The official from Kenyan UMEME explained that “shtukad” means “Mbadde neekanze!”, or “Nanateina!” or “Alworo!”

For readers in Kenya, who don’t get the UMEME reference, UMEME is the Uganda electricity company. There is a guy called Sseya in Ug who thinks that elections are catered by the electrical commission… but banange, when you explain the joke… Just lol.

 

 

Pope Idol: The Search For A New Pope

It’s Pope Idol.

Pope idol

Or the Vatican’s next pontiff. With your host, T-Pain.

t-pain

No, not the one who sings. The other one.

t-croak

T-Pain: Hi y’all. I know what you are thinking. I am an abomination in the eyes of The Lord so how come I get to host this show? Well, what can I say. The Lord is merciful to all his creation. Even the gross ones. Let’s meet our judges.

First up. He was born Saul of Tarsus but now he goes by Saint Paul!

(Applause as Paul descends from heaven to sit at judges table. He waves)

Next up, he says he is just a humble fisherman, but we know him as the first ever winner of the Papacy, it’s Saint Peter!

(Applause as saint peter descends from heaven to sit on the judges table)

And finally, all the way from a basket in Egypt, it’s last but not least and not least likely to have you struck by lightning if you say the wrong thing, it’s the prophet Moses!

(Moses also descends from heaven)

T-Pain: That is a very nice suit, O Great prophet. Who designed it?

Moses: Don’t talk to me, T-pain. How canst thou sing all those awful songs and then talk to me? If Jesus had not changed the law I wouldst have smited thee with lightning right now. Msww.

T-pain: (Taking the shell because he is used) Ooowkay. Let’s get this show started. Let’s meet our first contestant. He hails from a place called Uganda somewhere in a country called Africa.

Moses: Hey, I was born in Africa!

T-Pain: Does this mean you like me now?

Moses: I was going to tell thee to go to hell, but me being Moses, when I say that to people they actually goest there, so I will spare you and just say, go on with presenting the guy.

T-Pain: Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for In-Saber Butt Euro!

Nsaba Booty

Nsaba Buturo: Thank you. Thank you. It is such an honour to be here. A visa is not easy to get.

Paul: So Nsaba, tell us, why thinkst thou that thou shouldst be pope?

Nsaba: First of all, I wanna say what an honour it is to be here. I am such a fan. I’ve read all your books.

Peter: Behold, how the Ugandan doth kiss up to us. Doth he not realize that since we got to hold the keys to heaven people have been kissing up to us? Yet it helpeth them not. We still send them down to hades. Ugandan, just get to the point. Why shouldst thou be pope?

Nsaba: Okay. Um, well, I am really holy. I hate homos, I hate miniskirts and I hate Channel O music videos. If I was the pope I would make a special task force of Catholic Commadoes like Expendables to go around killing all sinners and destroying all Channel O music videos and I would make the world holy like me.

T-Pain: Our next contestant, all the way from…oh, they are from the same hood. Give it up for R&B star Yo-way-ree Kaygooterrr Myoooservayn!

Yoweri Museveni: Well, I’ve had sufficient experience clinging to a seat and if you’re looking at someone that will not abandon the job, I’m your guy. You can ask anyone that knows me, I have abandonment issues. I don’t like to abandon work. The only reason I am leaving the previous job is because some people found a loophole called “elections”. Of all the people you will interview, you will find I’m the only one that had a religious experience motivating me. In fact, you could say I’m the only one that…

T-Pain: Our next contestant, all the way from Harare in Zimbabwe…

Museveni: Hey! I haven’t talked about my days in the bush!

T-Pain: …give it up for Robert Mugabe!

Mugabe: Warrap. Me I think you should make me pope because I will be a better pope than the last two you have had. First of all I assure you I will NEVER retire. Secondly I am immortal. I will not even die. Many would-be assassins have found out the hard way.

Also, I like the idea that all the land in the country belongs to the pope. I like owning all the land in a country.

T-Pain: And all the way from Atlanta, Georgia, it’s Megan Good.

Meagan: Hi y’all. I think I should be pope because, first of all, my name is Good, and second you guys have never had a hot pope.

Good One

T-Pain: And all the way from a place called Asia in South Korea, it’s PSY!

PSY: klndlf ibcie ibcieb oub heeeeeeyyy sexy layyydeeeeeeeeee jbhjkhb

From Google Translate:

I will make the papacy pop. I’ll keep it oop oooop ooop popeing constantly.

I will make the papacy pop. I’ll keep it oop oooop ooop popeing constantly.

I will make the papacy pop. I’ll keep it oop oooop ooop popeing constantly.

And there will never be  a dull day in the Vatican. I’ll draw all the HEEEEYYYY sexy layyydeeeessss…

T-Pain: And all the way from Chicago, Illinois, it’s Oprah Winfrey!

Oprah: Hi y’all. Please remain seated.

Moses: Hi Oprah. How are thee? How is Steadman?

Oprah: (Giving Moses a peck on the cheek) Oh, everyone is great, Mo.

Peter: Tell us why thou shouldst be pope, Oprah, as if we don’t already know.

Oprah: Well, mainly because I want to bring the two most influential religions in the world together — Catholicism and people who worship me.

T-Pain: And that’s all the contestants we have for y’all tonight but before we end the show, we want to know who you think should be the next pope. To send in your views, get your phone, put it aside, and write in the comments section below. Pain out!

Moses: Doth Mother Mary healed thou?

T-Pain: (Shakes head in auto-tune) Whatever dawg!

 

Outspire Yourself.

You have had a bad week. We know. If you have had a wonderful week cos he proposed or that asshole boss is on leave or you managed to successfully steal a PS3 and are now murking Call of Duty, well, it could have been better.

Anyway, these things are called Outspired.


Outspired

 

 

A healthy diet is vital for a digestion. If you want your time in the lavatory to be pleasant, either take a friend there with you and have sex therein, or eat a lot of fibre  and drink a lot of water.

 

Outspired resized

 

You may have to click on the pictures to see them in their full inspirational glory. Wait. Thta what? Basajjabalaba is in jail, Bad Black is free?

 

Outspired 6 resized

 

A man set himself on fire outside Chameleone’s house? Why not go to Bobi Wine’s house? Why deny us the chance to make Fire Base puns? Or Bebe Cool’s house, so we can at least talk about Bun Dem?

Outspired 3 resized

 

Okay. Please waste your company’s bandwidth for a few more hours and then go home for weekend which is where all the beer is.

 

Thank you Sevo for the public holiday on Monday 08th October

Sleek here:

Hi good and sexy people. You’ve been drawn here by the pheromones excreted from Andominus, our internet spider that went underwater and knows how to draw people to websites. We asked it to go extra hard with the pheromones so that Sevo would come and read this message we took time off  our laid-back schedules to write.

#####Sevo’s message#####

(Uganda National anthem playing)

Thanks for the public holiday on Monday. Of all the things you’ve brought to Ug. That hat. The slow drawl. The drool. The verses. All those things. They are the fungus growing at the bottom of a festering wound on the right ball of a decomposing Marabou stork caucus compared to the public holiday on Monday. Thank you very very much. We will forever be in your debt. Or not. But thanks anyway. We are also particularly thankful that your Government is bringing us Konshens. Blo blo bloo!

(National anthem fades into the background, Do Sumn’ starts playing)

#########

If your boss spends his days hunting lions and is not Konshius of the fact that Monday is a public holiday, below are a few legitimate reasons you can give for not being able to make it to work on Monday:

Thank you Sleek. Hello viewers, this is Baz, with the list of reasons.

1: You were afraid that 4GC (Forge God Country) were going to be in town demonstrating. You know those things. Your boss is aware of the fact that his employees are no good to him high on teargas.

2: You  found out that your great-grandfather was one of the colonialists and so the day before Independence is now a day of mourning in your family.

3: Jennifer Musisi demolished the road from your house #wetland

4: Morning sickness. (Due to getting pregnant at Konshens.

5: Morning sickness (due to getting pregnant at Jazz Safari, but that one is worse because it is much harder to have public conception at the jazz concert)

6: You were there. The boss didn’t see you? Even your coat was there on the chair. Your computer was even on the whole day.

7: 

8: You cut work out of patriotism. You and Kiprotich are the real Ugandans.

9: You found a crested crane which had been knocked by a car and you had to rescue it and nurse it back to life and look after it and see what they taste like– JUST KIDDING! Don’t eat the national bird, guys.

Friday Fries: The Weekly News Summary

Mr. Ernest Bazanye? I’m absent, teacher! Mr. Erique Mununuzi? Even me am not here!

Ready with the baddest worst news? Leggo.

In back news, the boy who won a golden medal for Uganda even if no one actually believed Uganda could pull off such a feat but pretended they cared about him when he actually…you know what? Let’s take this from the top.

In back news, Kiprotich came back home to a kickass welcome worth 200 million shillings from the president, a Porsche 911 ride from the airport, a 2-day stay at Serena Hotel, another wad of big bucks from corporate companies and several forced congratulatory newspapers adverts.

He rolled in with his wifey, kidseys and mummy and daddy, who I’m guessing gave him the running genes by running while conceiving him, plus many other insignificant people who just wanted to appear on camera so people think they know people who know people who know people.

 

A few of the other athletes who didn't win anything.

In related news, you’re not a the boy’s relative so stop adding “Kiprotich” to your Facebook & Twitter names.

In reshuffling news, do the shuffle do the shuffle coz it’s the weekend so do the shuffle. But seriously, your president reshuffled the cabinet while Kipiqwqiblxqi made his way to Kampala from Entebbe. Party-poopers just.

Among other very young and youthful newcomers, he brought back celebrated founders of covert theft, Corruption General Sam Kutesa & Corruption Field Marshal John Nasasira. If you have any money on you when you see them, gasp, open your eyes wide in shock and then run for your life. And don’t look back or you’ll turn into stone.

In sausage news, it’s been discovered by city avengers, KCCA that some people without couth are selling fake sausages. The uncouth people apparently get pigs’ intestines and convert them to sausages using VLC .mp3 converter, then tell people to close their eyes and come and buy.

Don’t buy anything with your eyes closed, people. You’ll just look weird and won’t know how much money you’ve given the seller. And then you’ll die and miss Sisqo’s show.

In Zombie Lounge Singer news, compact cassette Judy Boucher travelled all the way from the Mesozoic era to Uganda and failed to personally apologise to all of us for the way she tortured us when our  aunt’s neighbors would play that one damn song of hers over and over again simanyi Send Me The Pillow.

This obscene song about pillows was only one of the vaguely pornographic songs that she reprised for a scandalized audience at the Serena before Boucher, of indeterminate origin and purpose, returned to the crypt where her remains are stored.

 

Boucher in her younger days

IncCalling news, athletes in Uganda, galvanized by the voices that have risen to call for more government involvement in sports, following Stephen “Kip” Rotich’s gold medal, have begun to collect pleas for funding in their own disciplines.

Festo Mbwanembizi, head coach of the Kireka International Ludo Team, lead a delegation of Ludo athletes to State House to appeal to government to offer funding to the Ludo sportsmen of Uganda. “We should not wait until one of us wins a gold medal,” said the coach. “Or until Ludo becomes an Olympic sport.”

However, he was brushed aside by Nyamiiro Nyarsha, the five-foot-two fat Zzana resident who was there to ask for funding for her dreams of representing Uganda in the pole vault.

And that’s this week’s news… Piss!

Furaaaaaaaaaayide!!!

The Uganda Budget Speech

Welcome to the legendary side of live updates from the Uganda Budget speech. Please take a seat. If you look just below your monitor, you’ll see a smile placed there specially for our invited guests. Pick it up, wear it and enjoy the ride.

1.35pm: Ministers have started arriving at the speech venue. Most of them seem to be pissed that they were not allowed to carry pillows.

2:01pm: The budget has arrived. Those who want to cry can do so in advance.

2.05pm: The finance minister is wearing a kitengi. Many Ugandans wear it to funerals.

2.10pm: The ministers all look eager to misuse the funds going to be allocated to them.

2.18pm: They are greeting each other & shaking hands as if to acknowledge that whoever gets the biggest chunk should buy cars for the rest.

2.21pm: The ministers are carrying pens & papers to draw stickmen & pretend that they care about their ministries.

2.22pm: Wait, I think I heard a minister say “…thomething”. Misusing funds starts with mispronouncing “something”.

2.26pm: To us, the venue is a place called Serena. To the ministers, the venue is an ATM called Serena. Explains why they are laughing.

2.29pm: When we said the speech starts at 2pm, we meant 2pm CGT, not local time. That’s Central Govt Time.

2.32pm: Why do the speakers put those things on their heads? To protect their thoughts from Harry Potter?

2.33pm: Fun Factory’s Museveni has arrived.

2.24pm: The national anthem is on. Everyone looks sad like the headmaster forced them to attend assembly & sing.

2.26pm: We’re at that part where a soldier shouts at people after the national anthem.

2.28pm: The national anthem is playing again. I think they are procrastinating so people walk away & all the money is given to State House.

2.33pm: Seriously, why is this soldier shouting? Can’t he walk to each of them & instruct them nicely?

2.44pm: Now the soldiers are marching. It’s a common African ritual performed as a sign of respect to time wasting.

2.47pm: The president, MPs, ministers & other honourable government thieves are marching into the building.

2.49pm: All the officials look excited to be on TV. You can almost feel them screaming, “Mummyyy! I’m on TV!”

2.52pm: Did you know that in Uganda, it’s almost impossible to find a govt official with a small stomach? It’s all to do with the budget.

2.58pm: The minister has arrived. I can hear Shakira & Beyonce’s “Beautiful Liar” playing in my head.

2.59pm: The national anthem again! These are the moments that make M7 wish he could retire & come back after the anthem.

3.01pm: AND THERE WE HAVE IT! M7 takes first prize for being the first official to doze even before the speech is read.

3.04pm: Speaker of parliament Rebecca Kadaga is on. She just called Serena a parliament. The budget does things to people.

3.08pm: Finance Minister Maria Kiwanuka is now on. But her accent isn’t. We’ll use the one she has for now.

3.10pm: She says she’s performing the duty on behalf of the president yet he’s right there in the audience.

3.13pm: When M7 dozed, he dozed while standing. We have a ninja president. I digress coz Maria is cracking jokes. I hear development.

3.15pm: Oh. Her accent just walked in. She said “agriculcho” development.

3.16pm: That we must concentrate on export growth to reduce gap between…doze doze doze. Stop telling us & do it.

3.18pm: Her accent has impressively improved in 15 minutes. The power of money. “Annual inflaytion hez declined to 18.6%”.

3.21pm: She says domestic revenues performed lowest last year at 17%. Does domestic revenues mean the ministers?

3.23pm: That the budget will focus govt’s scarce resources to restore faster economic growth. Deja vu.

3.24pm: She’s using too many percentages to confuse us & make us lose concentration. I REFUSE TO DOZE!

3.26pm: She keeps saying “Madam Speaker” like we’re not around. HEY! OVER HERE! Address me too. Shya!

3.28pm: “The budget strategy will prioritize the removal of weaknesses that obstruct growth.” I sound sophisticated, right? Well, thank you.

3.34pm: Domestic resources will finance about 87% of the budget while 24.5% will be provided by partners. Financial way to say we’re still beggars.

3.35pm: She says transport priority will be on upgrading roads, especially in agricultural areas. It’s one of her inside jokes.

3.38pm: That they intend to concentrate on roads. This time for real. She swears in the name of the living God.

3.41pm: Every time she mentions “Govt will increase…” I see a minister smiling like, “Yes! I’ve got next term’s fees for Junior.”

3.43pm: That govt will complete feasibility study for Kampala-Kasese railway line. Why would you give money to studying a railway line? Google it.

3.46pm: That UG has emerged as a top tourist destination over the past year. “We have Emin Baro, text messages from Spain…”

3.50pm: She has mentioned lots of “Govt is going to do this & that” but I haven’t heard anything about “Govt is going to retire.

3.53pm: That salaries will increase for teachers & scientists. Artists should just find a way to sell their sculptures in Spain.

3.54pm: So far, Facebookers & Twitterers have not been allocated anything. Fingers crossed.

3.59pm: Why on the Lord’s earth does she keep saying “Madam Speaker”? The chick is right there. She heard you! And she’s still awake!

 4.03pm: Public sector efficiency will be of paramount importance. Doesn’t make sense to me but sounds sophisticated enough for me to believe it’s good.

4.05pm: That there will be no PAYE charge for people who earn below 235k. Yes! Now all I have to do is annoy my boss to get a salary reduction.

4.08pm: Excise duty on alcohol is going up. The upside is Chameleone will become sober & make real songs.

4.12pm: VAT on water taken back up to 18%. Taxi conductors now have a bona fide excuse to avoid bathing.

4.13pm: Excise duty on cosmetics to be raised to 10%. Now you can blame every couple’s breakup on govt.

4.17pm: She’s done. M7 is now on to entertain the audience.

4.20pm: Brace yourselves for stories about the 1986 Bush wars. An angel told him they are somehow connected to the budget.

4.24pm: Sevo at it again. Abusing people. To tell if it’s a fake M7 speech, check if it misses the word “Ignorant”.

4.28pm: Wait a minute, isn’t this the same suit Sevo was wearing at the State Of The Nation Address?

4.30pm: Sevo may not be a perfect president but he’s very good at repeating what others have already said.

4.33pm: He promises that there will never be a power shortage again. Maybe power blackouts, but not shortages.

4.41pm: The best thing about a Museveni speech is it gives you enough time to count the number of bulbs on the ceiling.

4.42pm: He’s done. You can feel life slowly oozing back into the ministers’ bodies.

4.44pm: The main event is done. Now it’s clear that whichever official is still seated is waiting for food & soda.

 

…It’s been a pleasure hosting y’all, you can slowly exit to your mundane lives. Thank you.

Highlights:

  • BOU Governor Mutebile scratched his head at some point. “Maaaan! How am I going to fund all this sh@t?!”
  • During Museveni’s speech, I completed eight levels of Tetris.
  • Whatever money you put in NSSF will be borrowed by the government by force.
  • Many officials in attendance looked disappointed that no drinks were served. Many of them had told their families not to wait for them at the dinner table.
  • Your salary wasn’t mentioned.

 

Men-in-Black-3

Of Movie Premiers and things | MIB III

MTN premiered MEN IN BLACK III last night. For those joining us from the stone age, the Men In Black series star Will “I’m happily married to Jada” Smith and Tommy Lee “might actually be smiling underneath it all” Jones as agents of some top secret government agency {in America because… wait for it} that protects the earth from crazy alien shit {… it’s in America because, for whatever reason, aliens just dig the states, and it’s not even for kyeyo} {as a side note, after the recession also started digging The States, aliens discovered South Africa…re; District 9}.

So these Men In Black have been pretty crap at protecting the earth thus prompting Hollywood to give them not one, not two, but 3 freakin’ shots at this shtick. I’m not going to dwell on that banter, there’s politicians that fit that profile.

In this latest installment Will Smith stars as Agent J who has to go back in time to save his partner. Tommy Lee Jones stars as Agent K who has to be saved by his partner. Josh Brolin stars as a young Tommy Lee Jones starring as Agent K who has to be saved by his partner . . .and yet Inception is still more confusing.

It’s a fairly decent movie and it felt like an acid trip down memory lane…waking in me a young boy… who shall handle the rest of this recap.

So as in I get those zones of Nakumatt Oasis, what. I first hollered some peeps I knew, said those things of what’s up, what, you get? So I alarm those escalator thingies. First time I spotted them I thought, “put your best foot forward…” or at least that’s what my zerros had said, but coz I’m too school … no, too cool for school, I did my own thing, what.

Babes In Black ...in HD/3D

Some chick in black vaz first said warrup when I was going to climb the stairs, so I said “warririz”. Then she looks at me like “wazdi”… I didn’t know where she was taking this and I just burst up to the other jwi where other peeps were chilling. Man, it was those things of everyone and their family, what?

Then someone first hollers me saying I hand over my permoi {pamwa} chit what. So I hand it over. It was strange, coz the address wasn’t written on it ma-props, those things of “let it fly to…”. But I’m easy, those things.

Superstar Ben Mwine does his best Allan Kasujja impersonation

So I’m in the gwa with other lucky few peeps with like, you know, luck, as in. And then they say, first alert this shwipe. Nga I walk over to the bar and call the shots… no, for real, as in I said I wanted Whisky shots. My budd-eh Malcolm asked for some other shwipe from OC, then some other badde came over and we started to push kb. I think I even saw Bina Baby from that radio station. Walahi people have sike, that chick is not a baby!

a reveler and and her booty

Then I spotted Maurice Kirya who has conc jam to grow his hair. Man me I thought chap was on that stuff of chillin’ growth, what, but I don’t think the guy was jiving.

Anyway so I figure I need to get some kimere. Some babe in uni was moving around with it and so I wait for her, then she gives me dre. People can be dry. So I put myself in the line of fire, what… then she comes and first says mbu “excuse me”. Nga my stomach also says, “excuse you!” So my hands move into full effect and reach out and make a connection.

Inside those ends they were giving out phones what, and it was for just sitting on paper. Man, me I sit on tp in the loo and all I get is a clean escape from herpes…but I’m G. It’s just phones… and they have buttons…BUTTONS!! Can you gidge that dryness?

Kenneth Kiddu Ag. CMO MTN U, Ben Mwine and a burrifur usher conspire to make sure I don't get a Galaxy Note

Then they gave away a phone of note.. a galaxy note… they didn’t give it to me, so … whatever.

Then Ben Mwine came to the stage where put up banners in case you got tired of spotting the flick so you could just be there looking… thinking, but these banners are really everywhere you go.

These babes carried their own subtitles

And then the movie started….