Author Archives: Ivan

About Ivan

doesn't get why you feel compelled to force an accent when you're talking to summers

How To Bag That Vote For President

It’s gonna be an election year in a couple of months and you know what that means. That’s right, the candidates are going to go to outrageous lengths to swing the youth vote their way. The incumbent took to rap as a means of showing that he was hip and cool and all that, but how is he going to get people to take notice come next election period, you don’t actually want another rap, do you? {I’m intentionally being vague seeing as the elections may or may not be in 2016 depending on how the decision makers feel about freebies around that time}

Has anyone considered the possibility he was actually voting by touchscreen?

Has anyone considered the possibility he was actually voting by touchscreen?

Turns out, M7 has already started with the ”Cool-cool” already by jumping on the selfie bandwagon, so now all that remains is to see how the opposition is going to even the playing field. With rap and photography already done and dusted, there’s only so much you can do…

TROLLING :  Verb | The art of deliberately, cleverly, and secretly pissing people off, usually via the internet, using dialogue.

The most likely candidate to pull this off is Warren B. He has proven that he has the chops to annoy people by merely walking, imagine what he can do if he really applied himself? Of course there is still that hurdle he has to jump over; getting the president to accept his friendship request on facebook. While he waits, he can hope to high heavens that the selfie the president took appears on instagram or twitter where he can post remarks such as, “At least I have the foresight to keep my eyes open in photos lol”

FOXING: Verb | Claiming you will do something and then not delivering at the last minute

You can NOT, and I repeat NOT {to be able to make my word limit}, get any more youthful than this. Scores of young uns are familiar with the concept and are usually easy to recognise as the ones that have been forced to share that bottle of krest in the club because their sponsor ‘foxed’. In case you are reading this and thinking, “Hang on a minute, I know a guy that did that,” you’re right, but I doubt Otunnu will be rehashing that move. What is this, his taste in fashion?

TWIRRA: Popular online destination for people with stage fright to express a brief 140 character long opinion

Now this is not really very conducive for our politicians because, let’s face it, even when they shouldn’t, they have a lot to say. Think birthday parties for instance, “I would like to wish this young girl a happy birthday. Happy birthday young girl. May you grow up to be a force of change. Let the people who see you allow! The struggle is real. Speaking of struggles, when we first had elections, we didn’t think things would come to this. But you see how they have become. Anyway, God is there. But you need to also hope for free and fair elections. A country without these, is no country for old men. You see us here, but there will be blood. As you look around you, take not of the faces. Some of these people don’t wish you well. They are cubs in lambs’ clothing. Do you know what a cub is? Actually, they are the mafia…” … and that’s the guy you will expect to follow on twitter?

SEX TAPES: Let’s save this one for the Guild Elections article

HANGING OUT AT THE NEW MALLS; KFC, PLANET YOGHURT, LA PATISERRIE, CINEMAS etc

The problem with this is you can not shake off the feeling that it will eventually turn messy with the politician trying to convince you that it is in your best interest to actually pay for his meal. Failing that, the conversation will get drawn out unnecessarily with people observing that the mini-skirt law didn’t actually kick in, or, and this happened to me, there are greater threats than that stupid law after all; People who go to these places for the sheer sake of doing maalo and having their pictures taken. FACT. Just because you posed in front of one of ours, there’s no real reason the person at the visa office will let you go and pose in front of one of theirs.

PHOTOBOMBING: The act of showing up uninvited in someone else’s photograph.

This is fast gaining traction and there is no real reason a politician shouldn’t leap on this particular bandwagon. All they need to know before hand is that for a photobomb to work, they need to actually be the secondary party in the shot. It does not make sense for someone to wrap their hands around you like some needy octopus clamoring for attention and then smugly declaring, “Ha, I exploded your photograph”

 

 

14 People To Watch in ’14 | Part 01

Taking a cue from one of the dailies, we have gone ahead and assumed that you guys have nothing better to do with your lives than have someone tell you who to look at and for what reason. It’s not you, it’s us. We are pricks that way and you are our unwitting prey. Apologies. But hey, seeing as you made it this far, here are the people that will do something sometime this year….

Juliana

The singer was most recently involved with a guy many claim to be a South African doctor of some sort… We are not comfortable ascertaining of witch persuasion. As we write this, there are photos clogging my ‘whatsapp’ account and getting in the way of my New Year’s messages. Rumour has it that there’s also a sex tape, but my supplier around one of Kisementi’s pavements claims there’s no clear copy yet. We don’t really care for celebrity porn because it just leads to the sprouting of Kardashian-esque tendencies, so we will keep things simple and watch Juliana for her body of work, and not for her body.

This is a studio. Musicians like to come here and make noises. In that regard, it's like a hotel room, except that no one we know has ever been kicked out over not paying for its use.

This is a studio. Musicians like to come here and make noises. In that regard, it’s like a hotel room, except that no one we know has ever been kicked out over not paying for its use.

Mubiru

The former Sports Club Villa manager has accusations of sodomy hanging over his head and was until recently hiding outside our borders. For whatever reason, he chose to come back, was arrested, promptly thrown in to a cell and probed in what may or may not have been the best 36 hours of his life. Word going around is that he was recently dismissed, ending a scenario a member of the public equated to being akin locking the proverbial fox in the henhouse. This puts the public in a compromising position seeing as, when it is passed, the law will require you to identify homosexuals or risk being thrown to jail. If you see him, for your safety, look the other way. That’s “look” not “turn”.

When you place a ball in front of some, they figure they will have a field day...

When you place a ball in front of some, they figure they will have a field day…

Bad Black

Shanita has gone through the kind of crazy transformation over the past couple of years that would have the legendary King of Pop asking her to slow her roll. The reason she makes this list is borne of concern more than anything. When the public first met her she was a rich Chocolate Brown, then she got thrown in the pen, took on a shade of yellow (the uniform, try to keep up) and after her release, assumed the shade of a geisha. We are appealing to the public to watch Bad Black in 2014 because with the way she is going, it is apparent she is going for transparent.

You know it's only a matter of time...

You know it’s only a matter of time…

University Lecturers

Remember what we said about the students being competitive? Well, the lecturers sort of are like that, except that they don’t seem to suffer the same rebuke. Really, you’d think John Q Public would wag a finger as they admonished the lecturer thus, “Shame upon you! A Big Boy!”. But for some reason, we all put aside our grievances with lecturers and sympathise with them. Sure you could see the cobwebs hanging from the punch-lines of regurgitated ‘jokes’, but somehow you suddenly feel for them when they strike.

Judith

We paid her no mind in 2013 and the year ended with nude pics of the (and I really loathe this word) socialite. J-Heard’s our friend and I think in the interest of keeping her privates out of the public, we will do well to pay more attention to her. And in all sincerity, by the time this goes up (the article) (not the other thing) we could very easily be the only people who will not have not seen her. In the words of a soccer manager that decided to turn himself in, “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”.

So, er, this what the internet throws at you when you refine your J H search and add the words, 'with clothes on'….

So, er, this what the internet throws at you when you refine your J H search to include the words, ‘with clothes on’….

University Students NOT from UCU

University students are notoriously competitive. When one lot goes on strike, you can bet your ass, another will follow suit. With the whole sex-tape thing from last year, we can only expect that other institutions of higher learning will want to top what was done. In a big way. We can practically see the next producer ditching his cameo role and participating in some other capacity. They really should bring back English Language lessons, otherwise we will have more hip-hop lingo messing up our vieiwing experience, “Yo! Now drop it like it’s hot, as in…”

The Princess

In case you were wondering, yes, for legal reasons we cannot identify her by name. We will not even drop hints. All will say is, thus far, her leaked pictures are the only ones you will not be embarrassed about being caught with. No, really, if someone walked in on you in the middle of your ‘date with palmella handerson’, you would not fumble to hide the picture and issue an apology. In fact, the closest you will come to contrition will be the following line, “You guy! First switch on your Bluetooth and I hook you up. Anti you don’t have data?”.

To Be Continued…

Sex And The univerCITY; A Campuser’s Diary

Dear diary,

I have come to you in my darkest hour because if I go to the internet, it may leak like that sex tape everyone is talking about. Funny thing about that incident, the only thing that leaked was the tape. I don’t know if anyone else noticed that… even the tap water was not flowing. Kyoka campusers. LOL {Lots of Libido}.

Anyway, me I’m not amused, as in, what was up with the soaping action? I’m surprised Sempa hasn’t come out to decry the potential sodomy that was there. Wabula, people can be dry, at least in prison movies they fast wait for you to drop the soap. This guy didn’t want to wait. Naye I get where he was coming from, campus can be hard. You get?

As in, coming…hard… I wonder what soap he used.

I think Lifebuoy is the one they usually use for such dodgy acts, but I don’t think he would have been able to sustain his attention with the smell of that soap. Munange diary, I remember those days of Lifebuoy. The thing would even stain your hands. Kale he should have just used Geisha, he would have lasted longer, oba.

But campusers can also be competitive. Not in class, obviously, but outside…or inside, depending on how you look at it. Kati guys are saying there are 400 more sex tapes that leaked. None of them is from that ka-boy Chris Thomas which sucks. Me when I skive classes on campus it is to watch movies, not to star in them. Things can change.

But you know what, I think maybe I am speaking from a place of beef. I think if I had a smartphone I would have also experimented. But I can imagine already…

o—.___      o–.

o—‘—      o—`—

 

o                 o

/__o              /

_// <\          ___/__o

‘               ”

 

o             o

X               \

__//__o          o–\_=

‘                      `

 

 

o          o

o_/\/___      o__\/\__

‘                  `

 

 

o o            o o

\|_           _\|

/TT \         //TT

 

 

 

o____            o o

o—.\__          \|

\__`         /|

`         \|

 

| |

\o/        __

|          _\o__o

/o\       _|

\ /

 

o

|

o|

_( |

 

Eh, but that can chew my airtime mob, but at least it won’t leak in the papers or facebook. But who would recognise me anyway? Zerros can overtie on me though. It’s like that time I jumped the wall. Fithe was on my fresh, mbu I had climbed the wall. I told him to prove it and he pointed at my freshly broken hand. I was in pain, but I convinced him it was April Fool’s. Kyoka Old timers!

But how did they convince that chick also them? Oba what’s the going rate? She didn’t even look high, but the way she just bent over, proper pro just! I think she has been to prison before, no one bends with such gas without experiencing the penile code… oba is that supposed to be the penal code. Kasta it’s a code of some sort.

Naye now, this other dude who was filming them, is he bisexual? How can he conc be there looking at his peeps. Atte in clothes. At least he would have lied mbu he will join them in a bit, then, when they are not looking, he screams that soap has entered his eyes. Then, when the pals are there telling him mbu, sorry, what, he would have said to the guy, me I’m easy, now even you enter her eye. Vibing 101.

–          A Campuser

 

PSA: Ask Not What Buganda Can Do For You…

We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming for this kalango.

The official way of looking at it…

Oct 2013: Kabaka of Buganda commissions the MTN Uganda Mobile Money collection platform for the Buganda Kingdom development initiatives

Our take:

Welcome to another exciting edition of WHO WANTS TO SPONSOR A MONARCHY? I see you scratching your head wondering, ‘another’? That’s right, another, this is that exciting event that’s got the whole world doing a little something for their royal family. The UK is still collecting facial expressions for the queen mother and as we write this, they are first approaching smiles. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, SMILES.

But this craze is not just in bulaya. Walahi, even here next door, the wonderful albeit clothes deficient people of Swaziland are still breeding beautiful young girls for the king to pick whenever he feels like it. The government is getting involved too; they have banned the importation of bras into the South African country. And men are getting in on the action. Last we heard, there has been a resurgence in the use of the popular pick up line, “let me introduce you to a friend that will treat you like a princess”.

So where do you come in? It’s simple, Uganda, like most countries that are NOT Russia, has kingdoms. And like most kingdoms, that are NOT America, these are headed by a king or queen…or a tree. The wonderful people at MTN have made it easy for you to help the Kabaka go about his development initiatives. Oh, and here’s the best part, you won’t even have to vacate your seat. You just need to whip out your phone, go to the Mobile Money menu and send your contribution to help with developing the place.

You know how you keep looking at kids, wondering what they are taught these days? Well, my friend, that little brown thing wearing glitter and denying that she stole your Long Island Ice Tea, could benefit from a school.

Think of it this way, if you buy her a drink in the club, or even hand her money, you’re corrupting her morals. Now you can look her in the eye and say, NO! I will put up with your shit no longer, I will send you to school and before she can roll said eye, whip out your phone and contribute to one of the Kabaka’s projects.

How about our crammy hideous horrible roads? While Jennifer is working on them, and putting together a carnival, you can do something about them too! Scroll back to that line about whipping out your phone and making a difference.

For more information on how you can do something, click here.

UPDATE

We may have gone overboard with the whole school kid thing…

Speaking to his subjects, Kabaka Mutebi pointed out three major projects that are in need of development including; re-building of the Masiro, renovation of the Bulange buildings and funds for the Bulungi Bwansi projects among several others. He urged the people of Buganda and well-wishers to embrace this innovation from MTN and donate generously towards the development of the Kingdom

…but that doesn’t mean you can go ahead and splash dime on those young úns willy nilly. They have to work for it. ..and leave first thing in the morning.

Screen Shot 2013-09-13 at 10.53.49 AM

Jammin’ Space

News reaching our desks has it that NASA’s Voyager 1 has finally left our solar system. To bring you up to speed, the Voyager 1 is a probe that sets off to explore space and go where no man has gone before. In essence, it borrows a bit from Wentworth Miller, Elton John and that workmate that still carries a vibrator to work, ‘just in case’.

"Is that a probe in your pocket or am I happy to see you?"

“Is that a probe in your pocket or am I happy to see you?”

The probe was launched in 1977, running 68 Kilobytes of computing power, so everyone seems to think this is an achievement unto itself. You know who doesn’t think so? That kid that was showing off with the dodgy grey Samsung flash disk back on campus, rocking all of 64mb. He is sitting there, stroking the obsolete piece of tech hanging from his neck and thinking, ‘amateurs’.

So, what’s the plan? Well, whoever sent it out there desperately wants to know what’s happening out there. They don’t really care about what’s happening on the other side of the ocean, “You mean Africa is NOT a country”, but they are hungry to find out whether there is alien life out there.

Screen Shot 2013-09-13 at 10.48.46 AM

Alien Technology from 2003

In fact, I believe the politically correct term, because we don’t want to be offending alien life forms, is “intelligent life”. Therein, may lie the answer to that baffling question, if it’s intelligent, it knows better than to reach out to earth. Why the hell would anyone want to get in to contact with the planet that’s responsible for a twerking Miley Cyrus, an incoherent L’il Wayne and Erias Lukwago?

They’d likely be watching from a distance and thinking, “sheeeeiiiiiit!” and using recordings of Robin Kisti’s accent to ward off insurgencies. “Carm Orn! Carnt we arll live in harmorny? Pearce arnd Lurv, y’arll. Pearce arnd lurv…”

Screen Shot 2013-09-13 at 10.45.03 AM

What’s particularly important to note is that some measures have been put in place just in case the Voyager does encounter alien life. It’s been equipped with a gold plated record with images from earth and greetings in 55 languages. If the aliens are smart they will probably fight over the gold and move on, because, really, what are you going to do with a couple of ‘bonjour’s?

And what criteria was used to select those languages anyway? I’m going to hope the pictures don’t feature our landmarks and shit, because that’s how stuff gets blown up in the movies. Aliens be like, “I’d hit that” and then they do just that. With laser beams and prejudice.

Screen Shot 2013-09-13 at 10.40.28 AM

On the flip side, things can’t be that bad. There’s no way on God’s then green earth that they took any Ugandan language. Don’t get me wrong, the Western languages have that almost seductive drawl punctuated flow ending in a muted ‘teh’, Northern languages will, through their delivery let anyone know not to mess with us, but let’s be honest, we’re a bunch of haters. We won’t be welcoming, we will be saying stuff like, temufuka wanno, mulye sausage and K**a N***o!

 

image5

Michael Scoffield in… Closet Break

It was reported recently, that Wentworth Miller, star of the once popular Prison Break has cut ties with the closet he has been calling home.

 

“As a gay man, I must decline,” Miller wrote in his letter. “I am deeply troubled by the current attitude toward and treatment of gay men and women by the Russian government.”  {followed by some other newsie stuff}

In Soviet Russia, Closet comes out of you!

The news has drawn a variety of reactions from his fans with some going as far as rethinking their baby making strategy. Joining us today for an interview is The closet.

image5

The Closet:    Thank you for having me over.

ULK:              The revelation that he was leaving you must have come as a shock, how did it go down?

The Closet:    Well, to be honest, it was a long time coming. He had become a little distant. I was accustomed to him being scowl filled, but I could sense that something
was not quite right.  But by virtue of our relationship, I suppose the signs were there.

ULK:                 How do you figure?

The Closet:    As you can see, I’m made primarily of wood. That he would take to  me so easily should have alerted me.

ULK:                 How are you handling the break up?

The Closet:    I don’t know what to say. Like I said, I should have seen it coming. I  should have read the signs…anyway, I guess it’s over.

Nze mbwasse!

Nze mbwasse!

ULK:                 Is this anything like the Ricky Martin ouster?

The Closet:    Now that you mention it, I can’t believe that I’m a fool again. But no. Ricky was never inside me to begin with.

ULK:                 Going forward, please avoid phrasing it like that.

The Closet:    Ricky didn’t hide his preference for members of the same genital group. Heck, every music video played like a personals ad…or audition, but Wenti… think about it, he was in a show where he was incarcerated, seemed to rely heavily on a gay character and had more lines adorning his body than a Van Gogh painting.

It is all so unprecedented. It’s only a matter of time before Martin Sempa comes after me accusing me of housing a resident evil.

Ricky Martin_1993

Ricky Martin. Unfamiliar with closets

ULK:                 So what happens now? What’s your plan going forward?

The Closet:    I don’t know. People are going to start thinking I have a problem. I seem to have more people coming out of me than a slut offering a clearance sale. I think I will have to pay more attention to the people I allow to enter me. Operate a Hotel California policy…

ULK:                 Once you’re in, you can never come out?

The Closet:    Huh?

ULK:                 Isn’t that the Hotel California policy?

The Closet:    Oh, I thought what happens in Vegas…

ULK:                 For a talking closet, you’re not very smart.

 

Ja-Rule-RATE-IT-psd72130

Shoulda Stopped When | Ja Rule

So I took a stroll in a video library the other day, as you would, looking for something to hold me till the next illegal download was made available to ‘dude on the street with the stack of DVDs’.

I thought, may be I would take one of those nostalgic trips down memory lane and revisit a movie that I thought I was too young to understand back in the day, like Coming To America or something, then something caught my eye.

barbecue-party-84

Danny Glover, how low can you go?

Right there, peeping from a cast of, oh I don’t know, 100 wannabes, on a DVD cover was Ja Rule. I don’t think you get it, let me try again. JA freakin’ RULE. I thought he had faded in to obscurity and yet, here he was, going against all odds and trying to find some sort of significance.

You’d think a Google search would have been a more promising venture for him, but nope, Ja decided he would run to the world of straight to DVD flicks.

I’ll sideline my personal bias against him for a sec, Ja Rule was not necessarily a bad rapper. Hell, I still have fond memories of the ‘voice-breaking’ facilitator, “Holla-Holla”. It was a feel good jam, almost a vehicle for pubescent rebelliousness and we dug it.

Then there was his involvement in the Blackstreet-Janet Jackson back and forth, “Girlfriend-Boyfriend” or “Boyfriend-Girlfriend” or “Couple” or whatever. I thought that was not too shabby. Screw it, I’ll be charitable and say, it was ‘alright’.

He was not doing too badly on collabos. He teamed up with his mouse-alike “Mary J Blige” on Rainy Days and enjoyed a reasonable flow of success, rode that silver cloud to Thug Lovin’ with Bobby “Houston” Brown and, shit, I’ll be damned, it was a solid song. It’s possible that there’s a more fitting adjective for that track, but you know what I mean.

Not Mary J Blige

Not Mary J Blige

There were the tracks with Ashanti and against my musical sensibilities’ better judgement, I allowed “Wonderful” in to my life. Looking back, I can’t help but think, if it wasn’t for the video, R Kelly’s involvement, the money the cars and all the shit it had, I wonder, would I still love it? Would I still play it…would I, dare I say it, still be mesmerised?

Then he went the diss route. For whatever reason, he had a feud with Eminem, 50, Dre and by extension, most of the people who came in to contact with them. I’m almost certain the feud is expounded upon some place online, but this is ULK, not Wikipedia. Artists really get off on this beef stuff and don’t get me wrong, it does make for decent entertainment from the sidelines.

We stop trying to wax deep dropping statements like “man, the lyrical content in there was ‘ill’ son!” and give in to the ‘local’ in us, “Mwana, guy, bavumye omusaja!”.

Now the problem is simple, Ja Rule tried too hard. He went against the new kids on the block and failed. Terribly. And when he was done failing, he tried again and failed some more. This is not to say he did not succeed at getting them to pay attention to him, far from it. You don’t do a diss song calling a black rapper a homosexual or bisexual, dissing a guy’s kid and you think, ‘eh, it’s just jokes, eh, eh. LOL’.

Mfudde nze!

Mfudde nze!

Eminem, Dre and 50 came back at him, guns blazing and somewhere along the way picked up Busta Rhymes for good measure. Shit, such was the amount of backup on this thing, even Timbaland threw in a half hearted diss. Seriously, at the end of the jam, it comes as an afterthought, almost like he was thinking, ‘first wait, I haven’t released anything in a while, let me remind people I’m here and I also don’t like Ja. Mbu homosexual? Let me stick it to him by telling him to suck my dick. That should show how uber male I am.”

If Ja had stuck with his ish ish collabos, I suspect things would have turned out a little different, but having been buried, he decided to resurrect his career in the only way a has been rapper can, he ran to Hollywood.

He does deserve some credit for sneaking in to a Scary Movie flick for the sole reason that no one takes those seriously anymore, so bad acting actually looks like the actor did try to act horribly and succeeded.

Oh, and he tried to pull a Matrix and dodge taxes. He failed.

From motion pictures to mugshots, we gonna clap back.

From motion pictures to mugshots, we gonna clap back.

However, with more and more movie titles rubbing themselves against his name like some a prostitute unsure of how to go about marketing his/her wares, you can’t help but think Jeffrey Atkins should have stopped way back when.

Mwami...er, emmesse?

Mwami…er, emmesse?

 

headphones

Mid-Week Music Madness – The Boy Is Mine

A lot has been said in the media . . . and on facebook… and in bars regarding Sharon O and Zari. Some say there is no bleach that can give any human being the kind of even complexion that Zari has. There are others who suggest that the O in Sharon O’s name stands for Oh Em Gee. However, tongues are wagging claiming that the two are not seeing eye to eye, but answer us this, if they were beefing, would they do a collabo?

Screen Shot 2013-07-03 at 1.53.24 AM

 R E V I E W S:

Man, the first time I heard this track, as in, it was as if 2 angels had fallen from heaven and were screaming to be let back in, you get? ~ A Campuser

This is music to my ears ~ Some chap at the Sanyu FM reception

I thought I was downloading Man of Steel ~ Wi-Fi encroacher

Should Have Stopped When | Rihanna

I know, you’re probably thinking that this particular Should Have Stopped When is a tad premature, what with Riri still belting out hit after hit. However, let’s think about this seriously, if someone is taking you for a ride, doesn’t the natural order of things impress upon you the need to scream, “maaso awo! Ku stage dammit!”?

Rihanna came in to our lives with Pon De Replay, a track which actually brought us to our feet every time it got rotation even if none of us really knew what the hell she was going on about. She then went on to release a series of other successful tracks that actually bled content.

At this point the biggest thing about Rihanna's career was her forehead

The biggest thing about Rihanna’s career here was her forehead

The problem is, somewhere along the line, she got lazy…and we let her. It sort of makes us hypocrites when you think about it, Halima Namakula releases a couple of nursery rhyme covers and we spew vitriol, but Rihanna subjects us to what we should know to be a lesson in vowels and we smile and scream for more.

The amnesia inspired track, “What’s my name?” shows this to be true as Rihanna prefaces her question with the words, “O-na-na”. Only after she has said that does she go on to ask what her name is.

I initially thought that may be this is a common problem in the Caribbean seeing as Beenie Man also prefaced his question with “Zim Zimmer” which makes about as much sense as a snail walking in to a store and purchasing salt, but on close inspection, she went on with her attack against proper words.

Disturbia saw her continue her vowel crusade, but this time she decided to drop names. She turned to the Flintstones for inspiration and went on to intone thus; “Bam-Bam-Bira-Bam-Bam-Bi-Bam-Ba”. If you think this sounds familiar, it should. It’s the sound hail makes as it hits a tin roof.

You know where you can shield yourself from the rain right?

Under her umbrella-ella-ella-eh-eh

Under her umbrella-ella-ella-eh-eh

To be fair, one can argue that her relationship status with words is ‘complicated’, but with songs like Te Amo and Unfaithful, she let’s the world see that she and the English language are more than friends.

Poke?

Do you poke? On FB as in?

On the other side of the tracks, there’s her tenacity to basically do one or two verses and then rehash them. I suppose one way of looking at it is that she teaches you the lyrics and hopes that you will sing with her. She is lonely that way.

Speaking of which…

If we had stopped Rihanna in her tracks around Pon De Replay, maybe she wouldn’t have caught Chris Brown’s fist eye. But catch it she did and they were the it couple for a while. And why wouldn’t they be, both of them were young, showed so much promise and their music was topping charts until, finally, the relationship ended with a hit.

Is that a mic in your pocket or are you happy to see me?

Is that a mic in your pocket or are you happy to see me?

Rihanna is still going strong, but the more discerning among you will notice you’re being taken for a ride and ask that you be let off at the nearest exit.

BREAKING NEWS – Musician Seeks To Sue More Than Supermarkets Over Copyright

KAMPALA – Following the news that a previously not-really-that-well-known artiste is suing a supermarket for copyright infringement comes word that another musician is planning to take people who steal his ideas to court.

Our reporter spoke to Mince Meats Smith.

ULK:     Thank you for joining us Mince

MMS:  Meats. Call me Meats Smith. I’m still trying to find myself

ULK:     Alright, Meats Smith. Thank you for taking the time out of your schedule, if you don’t mind me asking, what was wrong with “Mince”.

MS:      I didn’t want to take any chances; you know how butchers can have beef?

ULK:     How about Meats? Applying the same logic, what’s to stop an abattoir from suing you?

MS:      Abba who? What records has he done?

ULK:     Moving on. I’m sure the readers would like to know what you have up your sleeve.

MS:      It’s mostly hair. Taking a cue from the inspiration of my name I’m mostly organic. Here, see…

ULK:     Perhaps I wasn’t clear, what I meant to say is, our readers would like to know what you are planning to do.

MS:      Oh sorry, but first tell me, who was that Abba guy you mentioned earlier.

ULK:     Don’t mind that, homie,  you’re eating in to my word limit.

MS: Right, right. It’s a good thing you’ve brought up words. You see, people go around using them without paying people for their use. I read that article about Nince Henry in the Monitor and realized, I had a case too.

ULK:     Go on.

MS:      So I decided instead of limiting myself to a supermarket, I’d go after everyone. You use my words in a sentence- boom! I come after you. You display my   video before it is ready – twaf. Your ass is mine. You so much as pick up an instrument I have thought of using – Bwogolakko! I’m gonna put you down like a dog.

ULK:     Is that from one of your songs?

MS:      Not yet. I have to write a song first for it to be.

ULK:     Are you suggesting you don’t have any songs out yet?

MS:      I’m not just suggesting. I am telling you…as a friend.

ULK:     Hold on. So what is it exactly you are planning to sue people for?

MS:      Ideas! They are all there in my head. I know how my song will sound. I know exactly how the video will look. They are not out, but if I see them, I will       know they are my things. Like how after a one night stand you don’t know whether you have children, but when you see a child with a defined landing field instead of a forehead, something clicks and you just know, ‘that one must be mine’. . .

ULK:     I’m sorry that’s all we have time for. Mince Meats, you’re full of bull.