Author Archives: Erique

About Erique

is not amused. Notn't he?

Condom Shortage In Uganda: How To Have Sex The Economically Friendly Way

Kids in Uganda are starving, ADF rebels have regrouped for fresh attacks, Egypt is politically unstable and now we know why. There’s a new shortage of condoms in the country. People are stranded and the world economy is on the brink of eternal collapse cos there seems to be no solution.

300 condoms

Well, there is. Get the popcorn. Below are the top ten UNBS-approved ways to curb the condom problem by having sex in a cost-saving manner:

1. The most common method is to wash your condom after use and use it again. And wash it again and use it again. And wash it again and use it again till it hits retirement age.

2. Don’t use the condom alone. Use it together with your partner.

3. Have sex sparingly. You can have half of it in the morning and then complete the other half later in the evening.

4. Outsource all sexual activities. You can hire interns to have sex on your behalf.

5. Have sex with people in exchange for condoms.

6. Wait for your neighbor to finish having sex and then knock to ask if they are done using their condom so you can borrow.

Sexual neighbour

7. Collect all your sex from the past, present and future and have it at once. Just like bulk SMS, bulk sex is cost-effective and comes with great discounts.

8. To avoid STDs, avoid STDs.

9. Alternatively, you can have sex quietly. That way, the viruses won’t hear you.

10. To avoid pregnancy, don’t pick up when she calls the next day.

 

Merry Christmas & Happy Intercourse!

The Summers’ Guidebook: How To Lie That You’ve Been Outside Countries And Get Away With It

For normal people, it’s easy to go outside countries. You just go to the airport, ask where planes going to your destination are parked, get on a plane of your choice, pay the conductor and go.

For Ugandans, however, it’s a whole different sausage. To go outside countries, all they do is change accents and then they become summers*. What they forget is the industry of going outside countries has continuously evolved into something much much bigger than just changing accents.

Ku siteegi

For instance, if you want people to know you visited London without revealing that it was actually London Pub in Kabalagala, simply follow the instructions below:

1. Start by disappearing. Buy a bunch of DVDs, lock yourself in the house for a week and switch off your phone.

2. For some, however, switching off the phone could prove tricky cos you have to call the DVD guy and complain about the Chinese subtitles. So it’s okay. Keep the phone on. But when people call, always make sure there’s a 5-second-delay between their questions and your answers. They should know that your words first have to board a plane before reaching them.

3. Even when you type your messages, the letters should be at least 5cm apart.

4. And whenever you update your Facebook, make sure your location is set to “Outside Countries”.

5. As soon as you come out of hiding, change your accent. Make sure there’s ‘r’ in every word. It doesn’t matter that it’s British. By law. all outside accents have to have an ‘r”.

6. “IT WAS NICE TALKING TO YOU” is wrong. “IRT WARRZ NRRICE TARRRKING TOR YOURRRRR” is correct. For a more comprehensive tutorial, tune in to the nearest Ugandan English radio station.

7. In every conversation you bump into, drop the name of something famous from outside countries. When you walk into a room of people talking about malaria in Nakapiripirit district, tell them about the Eiffel Tower you saw the other day in New York when you flew to London.

8. At this point, you may notice a confused look on their faces that almost borders anger. That’s good. It’s the “Eh mama!” look. It means they’re envious. Pull a chair and show them some pictures of other beautiful places you visited. But make sure they have no watermarks. Google Images tends to do that sometimes.

If you’ve followed instructions above, congratulations! You’re officially a summer. We wish you a pleasant stay in Uganda.

PS: This guidebook also applies to people who have travelled to countries that can just as well be reached by road. Those are not outside countries. They are districts whose funds were swindled before they could be set up.

UgaDic

*Summer

/ˈsəmər/

  • Noun
 A Ugandan who buys an American accent on the black market but forgets the instruction manual.
  • Verb
To do a summer on your friends because for them they are fake and you’re original.
  • Synonyms
Radio presenter – Even TV – Robin Kisti – That other chap on Urban TV – Dudes trying to impress chicks.

Flames To Riches: How To Get Money From The President

Dear Mister President, please give me some of that fire money. Those people you gave money are not the only victims. I’ve also had several encounters with fire.

When I was 3 years old, I burnt my left foot while playing with a candle. That’s why I don’t look very happy in this picture.

 

But it was my father’s fault. He warned me against playing with candles instead of warning the candles themselves. For that, I’ll need 5 million.

Then just yesterday, I ate food that wasn’t well cooked. They said the fire was not enough cos I had ordered late. If I wasn’t so kind, I would have exchanged very bad words with that fire. But I’m humble, so I’ll just settle for another 5 million.

Then this is my goat Christmas Lukwago.

‘Lukwago’ after the Lord Goat of Kampala City and ‘Christmas’ because we plan to eat it on Christmas. It got burnt when it tripped on a hot frying pan as the neighbour chased it out of his compound because, apparently, it was eating his grass.

If he didn’t want his grass eaten, then why the hell did he have it? I would have asked for 5 million but what will a goat use 5 million for? Give it 10 million.

So in total, that brings us to about 23 million shillings with taxes. But just add another 5 million because my relatives will think I’m mean if I don’t share and I also have to take out my friends to celebrate.

Now, should I wait for my sack of money or will you appoint me minister so that I steal it for myself?

State House Down: What Happens When Bad Guys Raid The President’s Office?

Have you watched the movie White House Down? Those who haven’t probably think it’s about giving directions nti mbu that the White House is down those ends, but it’s not.

It’s about bad guys attacking the White House to kidnap and kill a President Obama called President Sawyer.

Now, we all know how cool it is when a country is attacked and things are blown and cars are chased and people die.

Unfortunately, much as we’d love for this to happen to other countries for a change, it can’t. It’s something to do with the way the American Constitution was drafted to restrict aliens, zombies and all bad guys to attacking the U.S. alone.

So the rest of us are left to just imagine it for ourselves. To imagine properly, we had to start by inducing boredom. So we tuned in to Hot 100.

Presenting 10 things that would happen if State House was attacked by the American Association of Bad Guys.

 State House Down

1. They’d beat security checks by holding NRM cards and chanting “CORRUPTION IS GOOD!!! CORRUPTION IS GOOD!!!”

2. Inside State House, they’d fire shots and order everyone to get on the floor or die. No one would care. So they’d shoot again and order everyone to get on the floor or they let GNL sing in English. Terrified, everyone would get down immediately.

3. Then they’d walk into the Oval Square Office and be surprised to find that it has a bush built within. Museveni would shoot at them from the bush.

4. The bush war would go on for 5 years.

5. Meanwhile back in Parliament, they’d swear in fellow president Bobi Wine to take over power.

6. To avert the crisis, President Wine would record a song about weed and send it to State House to smoke out the bad guys.

7. But he’d be arrested for writing letters.

8. Then there would be riots and disorder in every town in Uganda. Back in Kasangati, Besigye would get out of his house to see what’s happening but would be teargassed back in for trying to cause chaos.

9. General Mega Dee & his army would descend upon State House with deadly CDs rejected by radio stations to rescue the president.

10. After a successful rescue, the bad guys would be sentenced to death. But they’d get pardoned and be appointed ministers cos they had NRM cards.

This Is Why Uganda Has The Best Politicians

Several reports have revealed that Uganda’s politicians, including Clark Museveni Kent, are the worst in East Africa.

I say to hell with those reports. They don’t know what they want in life. We might have lost the regional political championships but we sure as hell have the best political team in the World Cup. In the last World Cup, we versed the U.S. in the finals and won the match when George Bush failed to find Osama Bin Laden and we found Joseph Kony’s plates and saucepans. And a pirated DVD of Spiderman.

And a pirated DVD of Spiderman.

I’ll give you five good reasons why Uganda has the best damn politicians in the world and if you still refuse to believe, you have my permission to go and die.

They are noble

They believe the nation’s funds belong to the people and since they represent the people, they take the funds on their behalf.

 

They are focused

Once they get into power, nothing will unplug them. Not even elections. They serve their country nonstop.

 

They are humble

They like to mingle with the common man.

Mingle

 

They are trendy

They discourage letter writing in an era that has many internets filled with Facebook, Twitter, G+ and Whatsapp.

 

They are full of dreams

Sleeping beauties

Lost & Found: General Sejusa’s Ninja Letter

If you’ve been on the Ugandan internets, then you know that Uganda Police downloaded the new version of Angry Birds and played it yesterday at the Daily Monitor and Red Pepper offices.

They raided the offices of two newspapers and two radio stations, not to send dedications to loved ones, but to look for the letter General Sejusa sent to the media houses for publication.

However, when the raid started, the letter was out in the back peeing from whence it heard the scuffle and sneaked out through the toilet window. It immediately reported to ULK headquarters for refuge and a cup of tea. Here’s an interview it had with our ninja reporter.

 ULK Headquarters

Reporter: How do you feel? I see fear written all over you.

Letter: Still shaken up. I peed on myself even. See.

Reporter: Dude! Put your envelope back on.

Letter: Sorry. I have a thing for exposure.

Reporter: So why are they looking for you?

Letter: I kissed a girl and I liked it.

Reporter: #KatyPerry

Letter: You guys hashtag in this place? Nice! The ones of Monitor & Red Pepper were detained for questioning.

Reporter: Damn! Hope they haven’t touched Facebook likes and comments. They are practically like family to us. So what makes you special from other letters?

Letter: I know things.

Reporter: What things?

Letter: Some things.

Reporter: Some things?

Letter: Yes, certain things.

Reporter: Like what?

Letter: Thing one and thing two.

Reporter: That’s a lot of things.

Letter: A lot. And I’m not the only one.

Reporter: There are other letters?

Letter: You think an operation like this takes the effort of only one letter? There’s a whole army out there.

Reporter: A rebel group of letters?

Letter: More like a coalition. We call ourselves NRFFDL; National Resistance Forum For Democratic Letters.

Reporter: And it is this…NRFFDL that’s plotting against government?

Letter: No! We’re a peaceful coalition that just wants its demands met. We don’t even know how this escalated to police levels.

Reporter: Well, isn’t it obvious? You threaten government, you get arrested.

Letter: Threaten government?! Who told…we’re only fighting for basic human rights! The first letter included…

Reporter: Wait, are you revealing the information you carried? Cos we’re broadcasting live.

Letter: Anti you forced me. NRFFDL doesn’t tolerate misrepresentation by malignant saboteurs from government. You see how I just used threatening words that sound very much like opposition? That’s because the information we carry is not for jokes, my friend. The first letter included a simple request to Mama Nakimbugwe, a sumbusa wholesaler in Namanve, to return the general’s balance within three days or face severe consequences.

Sumbusa

Reporter: What?!

Letter: Listen! I’m still finishing. The second letter, which was even sent way before the first letter, was notifying the public about the general’s change of name from ‘Tinyefuza’ to ‘Mastablasta Raggamuffin Bunsenburner’ but again police blocked its publication and the general was forced to go with an alternative name from the black market. Typical violation of human rights!

Reporter: Are you telling me…

Letter: Yes, I’m still telling you! The third letter, which is actually me, thank you very much, was just asking the public what ‘Opa Gangnam Style’ means. Why should a whole general who went to the bush and fought for the liberation of this noble country be subjected to lyrics which cannot be sung without the influence of alcohol? This is the kind of government oppression that the National Resistance Forum For Democratic Letters is fighting against and if the police are going to keep us from raising our voices, we’re ready to fight back! We shall not be intimidated by such feeble matters! We’re not cowards!

Askari: (Runs in panting) Sir, I’m sorry but the police just forced their way through the gate. They are coming upstairs.

Letter: Shit! Which side are your toilets?

A Ninja’s Interview With BET Award Nominees Moze Radio & Weasel TV

By now I believe you’ve all heard that Ugandan entertainment appliances, Radio & TV were nominated for the 2013 BET Awards?

 

Radio & Weasel's new home

Radio & Weasel’s new home for ‘Best International Act’.

The BET Awards are not those of sports betting. They are what happens when a black entertainment television station from outside countries pokes its nose in talented people’s business like this.

 

"This is to show that you guy I swear you can sing!"

“This is to allow that you guy I swear you can sing!”

We sent highly-skilled ninjas down to Radio & Weasel’s home in Microsoft Word to steal an interview and deliver it to ULK headquarters for the pleasurement of our readers.

ULK: We are meeting…

R&W: Tu-meetinga…

ULK: I’ll start with a question that has secured a special place in hell for many Ugandan interviewers. They’ve molested it a lot but you know our judicial system.

Radio: What’s the question?

ULK: Where did it all start?

Radio: Well, I grew up in…

ULK: Just playing LOL. No one ever really wants to know that crap. We’ll just assume it started when you became awesome and people everywhere allowed.

 

Radio & Weasel put good things in microphones as people put their hands up in allowment.

Radio & Weasel put things in microphones as people wave their hands in allowment.

Radio: Thank you!

ULK: So why do you start speaking in tongues halfway the song?

Radio: No, that’s Weasel’s part.

Weasel: Ya man! Weasal ma nizzo wuiyuivu bmre vfuihqwuj vipq pfzqxpir bvhuew uiuqwiugfwee!!!

ULK: I see. Does he understand himself?

Radio: Yeah! Everyone understands him.

ULK: Why don’t you guys get an interpreter? And then it becomes Radio & Weasel & Interpreter… or before Weasel’s part, the DJ could pause the song and ask people on the dance floor to first open Google Translate.

Weasel: Hpldjiore vfufhhsdnhiv sduhajwiov uwhuicn uqqijifm fjhehwqjimjsd osn ocheio oiq jiqjjfpjopjnhshvuibgdghui aioh  uishefi qho aqiohfoq ohwea fhhz fuawheh hwehrioh zxcnbvz sfgq fauyq nduiwjk db awbwqbigb a hqvgh aba bqbvuftywfbv c nmsbjppdpj fbn aoh hd????!!!!

ULK: What did he say?

Radio: He asked what you meant.

ULK: Tell him…

Weasel: I speak English, badman!

ULK: Oh! Maybe the one you were speaking earlier is for reptiles. Anyway, so now that you guys have been elevated high up to a point where many Ugandan artistes reach only when they smoke weed, are you going to start bragging?

Weasel: No, that’s not our thing. We are humbled and very thankful to our friends, family, colleagues and, most of all, our fans for pushing us to…

ULK: What are you doing??!

Weasel: Sorry?

ULK: That doesn’t sound like bragging. When you win an international nomination, you’re supposed to brag until your haters kill themselves. I don’t write these laws. It’s your MPs. We just have to follow them.

Weasel: I don’t think people will like it.

ULK: They’ll think you’re being good citizens.

Radio: Okay… EAT KAZAMBI, HATEEEEEERS!!! MUSUMAGIRA, FFE ENSI ETUWAGIRA! GUDLYF FOR LIFE!!!

 

Radio & Weasel enjoying their constitutional right to bragging.

Radio & Weasel enjoying their constitutional right to braggery.

Weasel: …zqwuyeweuhq qhiwh wqhuqwd whqiodh qwhwqwd ohqfhiowqhfio…

Google Translate:

Your search – zqwuyeweuhq qhiwh wqhuqwd whqiodh – did not match any languages.

Suggestions:

  • Make sure all words are sung correctly.
  • Just nod your head and stop stressing.

Theft In Uganda | An Introduction To The Mafia

The internets define the mafia as an organized international body of criminals, operating originally in Sicily and now especially in Italy and the US. I’ve therefore come to the conclusion that these internets are made in China.

The original ones that we use here at ULK headquarters define the mafia simply as Ugandans. Why? Because everything we do is designed to groom us into professional thieves. Let me introduce you to the top five Ugandan mafia groups:

 Sacked

Police mafia

According to the police, when someone is jailed for stealing from you, you’re responsible for feeding them daily until their time in jail is served. If I ever steal from you, I like spaghetti and fresh passion fruit juice.

Marriage mafia

According to the constitution, when you’re caught stealing the private parts of another man’s wife, you’re given a hefty fine of only two hundred Uganda shillings.

My wallet right now says I’m entitled to about 2000 married women, give or take.

Government mafia

When money is stolen from the public, government says it’s the same public supposed to pay it back. That there’s no reason to call it ‘public funds’ if it’s going to be paid back by someone other than the public.

Nti mbu that it’s like asking a thief to give you your phone back after they’ve stolen it. It’s disrespectful to the thief.

Social media mafia

This group has perfected the art of stealing people’s updates and passing them off as their own just to look as intelligent and informed. They sneak into your profile at night while you’re sleeping, take every update they can lay their hands on and run out before you hear them and call the police.

Then when you ask them about it in the morning, they say they also just bought them from some vendor in Kamwokya.

Bodaboda mafia

These are the most cunning cos they play with people’s feelings. When taking you to your destination, they never shut up about everything so as to make you feel like they are now family and guilt trip you into letting them keep your balance. Whatever you do, don’t let them win.

Boda

My Boyfriend Has Serious Issues

Uncle Agony dear,

I have issues with my boyfriend. He is a mummy’s boy. He likes picking fights even over the smallest things you can thing of and he is a drunkard. Banange a piece of advice.

Me.

 

You dear,

You say you have issues with your boyfriend but these look like his issues, not yours. What I sense here is envy which, if not dealt with immediately, could lead to resentment. You envy him because he has issues and you don’t. But that’s okay.

What you now need is not advice. What you need is your own issues. It’s the only way to strike a manageable balance in your relationship. If he likes picking fights, go out and also pick something of your own. Like stones. You can even get issues that are way better than his. So what if he is a drunkard? Become a drug addict.

The only issue you shouldn’t worry about is his being a mummy’s boy. Unless his father rears a certain animal that he somehow fell in love with, married and impregnated to achieve him as the offspring, hence making him an animal’s boy, he, like every other boy in the world, is unquestionably a mummy’s boy. Except Chuck Norris. He produced himself.

photo_2618_20070728

How To Answer A-Level Exam Questions Like A Ninja

St. Lokodo S.S.S.S.S

Senior Five End Of Term Two Examination

History of Europe

By Mr. Cyrus Odongpit

A-level examination books

Question:

It is the despotic Queen of France, Marie Antoinette, who led to the French Revolution of 1787. Discuss.

Answer:

Okay, first of all, that is your assumption, not mine. You can’t ask me to discuss something you’re not sure I agree or disagree with. If you believe Mariah Carey or whatever led to the French Revolution of simanyi what what, that’s your opinion. Don’t try to make me discuss something you don’t know I believe in. You don’t know me like that. For all I know, you could be setting me up.

If there’s a spy reading this, I want to categorically state that I don’t share this man’s opinion. He came up with these things out of nowhere and now he’s asking me to talk about them against my will.

Sir, if you wanted to discuss something with me you should have at least taken the time to first know me. I am not into those of violence. I take peace over revolutions any day. And I certainly don’t give a damn what happens to the French people. I am a Ugandan from Bukoto here. I have never been to France. I wasn’t even there in 1787.

What you’re looking for is a vampire. They live for hundreds of years and would most definitely give you a detailed account of what happened back then. Don’t tell him I told you this but I believe-we all believe-that Mr. Kalugu from S.3 Chemistry is a vampire. The man teaches when everyone else is sleeping.

If you had taken the time to get to know me, sir, you would have realised that you and I are into different things. While you’re into history, I am into current things of going to the disco, passing time with my friends and sisiring sexy women who are passing by.

Women are very important, so if you said, for example, that “Straka’s buttocks caused the Ugandan load shedding of 2012. Discuss.” I’d agree and discuss until the Master on Duty came here and chased me to go for morning preps. I’d tell you about how her body parts consume a lot of electricity and how her bums may be cut off because of many unpaid bills…important things that would actually help this country move forward. No one wants to know about the French Revolution. It doesn’t even have bums.

Women are a very essential topic, sir, and I’m sure you agree, judging from the number of kids we always hear screaming from your house all the way to the classrooms. Are those all your kids, by the way? Because I don’t think any man can produce an entire police station of babies. But seeing as you’re into things that happened when you were not there, who knows, maybe your wife got them at a discount when she went shopping.

All in all, sir, I don’t think that question is meant for me. I’m not into such things.