Author Archives: Erique

About Erique

is not amused. Notn't he?

Why Create New Districts? An Interview With Govt’s Department Of Districts.

To date, Uganda has granted asylum to more than 110 districts, making it the districtest country in the world. But even then, recently, a parliamentary committee recommended the creation of five new districts. To explain the meaning of this, we kidnapped a government official from the department of districts for an interview.

Thank you for honouring our invitation, sir.

It was irresistible.

Head of Districts

Let’s delve right in. We want to talk to you about districts.

No problem. You want one?

Uganda now has 111 districts. And yet you’re still creating more.

Yes, a lot of people are winning.

Winning?

Yes. We have this promotion. It’s a Christmas promo we do every year. Next year we’ll give out ten new districts.

What’s the promo about?

It’s dubbed ‘Who Wants A District’ and participants have to be Ugandan to qualify. Those who are not Ugandan are required to lie that they are Ugandan before they become eligible.

How exactly are the districts given out?

They are transported from parliament-we use Fusos mostly-and taken to where the winners stay. Depending on the level of winning, the districts can come with added bonuses. The top winner gets a district complete with people inside, the first runner-up gets an empty district, and the second runner-up gets just people.

Where does he put the people if he has no district?

Well, that depends on him. We try not to tell them what to do with their prizes.

I see. Aren’t you concerned that with all these annual promos, the number of districts may, at some point, become too big?

There’s nothing like too many districts, my friend. Districts are like air. Can there be too much air?

That’s not really a fitting analogy.

Exactly. Without air, we all die.

But I don’t see how…

Look, do you read the Bible?

Occasionally, yes.

There’s a verse that says, “Innovation distinguishes between a leader and a follower.”

That’s Steve Jobs.

What it basically means is those who don’t have districts are followers. And we as a country want to be leaders.

I think you’re reading the wrong Bible.

And that’s why we need districts.

What If Uganda Was Governed By Musicians?

It started with a simple observation. That Justin Bieber can pull off the same level of governance in Uganda right now. And then our Finance Manager paid the electricity bill for the idea bulb and wham! What if Uganda was governed by entertainers? Why not? It already is.

HipHop Uganda

Uganda Cabinet, 2014

President: Kanye West

Because he won’t accept that his best days are behind him.

 

Vice President: Kim Kardashian

Public figure for no reason really.

 

Prime Minister: Katy Perry

Because a Prime Minister is effective if they have Twitter to show for it.

 

Speaker of Parliament: Taylor Swift

Because the president doesn’t like her. But everyone else does.

 

Deputy Speaker of Parliament: Liam Payne

Because some people can only be known through Google.

 

Presidential Spokesperson: Justin Bieber

It doesn’t matter if he makes sense or not, people will always like to make fun of him.

 

Lord Mayor, Kampala City: Lil Wayne

More noise, less sense.

 

Minister of Education: R.Kelly

It’s much more fun to just pee on the teachers.

 

Minister of Works & Transport: Snoop Dogg

Look, I like pot.

Pot

And I like holes.

Holes

So why not just make things easier?

Snoophole

 

Minister of Ethics: Diddy

Starting today, I decree that you call me Puff Daddy. No, Daddy means child support. Call me P. Diddy. No, Sean Combs. No, remove the Combs, I like my hair the way it is. No, Diddy. Just Diddy. No…screw this! I’m bored. Let’s play another game. It’s called Miniskirts.

Me I Was Misquoted: Minister Denies Banning Miniskirts

Last year, Uganda’s Minister of Miniskirts Simon Lokodo told women to stay off miniskirts. This year, we find out that it wasn’t meant in the “don’t wear them” sense, but in the “don’t do anything bad to them because they are precious to me” sense.

Here’s our interview with the Regional Head of Miniskirts.

Loko

ULK: Good morning, Simon Lokodo.

Loko: Well done.

ULK: Let’s dig right in.

Loko: I didn’t dig into my wife’s phone last night to check if she was playing sex with other men. I was misquoted.

ULK: No, that’s…WHAT?!

Loko: You talked about digging.

ULK: LOL.

Loko: So you didn’t talk about digging? Meaning you were misquoted?

ULK: No!

Loko: Which means you were misquoted. Now do you get my precament?

ULK: Predicament.

Loko: What did I say?

ULK: Precament.

Loko: I was misquoted.

ULK: Must be your favourite excuse.

Loko: We’ve know each other from way back.

ULK: You and the excuse?

Loko: Yes. We first met in primary school when my P.3 science teacher accused me of calling someone a baboon.

ULK: And you were misquoted?

Loko: Yes. I didn’t call someone a baboon. I called somebody a baboon. There’s a difference.

ULK: Is that what happened when you banned miniskirts?

Loko: Yes.

ULK: What exactly did you say?

Loko: That they are banned and women should not wear them.

ULK: And how were you misquoted?

Loko: Do you want some tea? Coffee? I just remembered I didn’t offer you anything. Which, if you think about it, is very shameful for a whole Minister of Integrity. Where are my integrities?

ULK: Mister Lokodo, I have a really long day today. There are movies I have to watch and drinks I have to finish. Can we get back to the issue please?

Loko: Oh yes, tea or coffee?

ULK: Miniskirts.

Loko: I have only tea and coffee.

ULK: Did you or did you not ban miniskirts?

Loko: Yes.

ULK: Yes, you did, or yes, you did not?

Loko: Yes.

ULK: Lokodo, did you ban miniskirts?

Loko: Fffssshhh…fffssssshhhhhh…Hello? Hello? I can’t hear you! I’m driving through a tunnel.

ULK: Boss, this is not a phone interview. Stop playing.

Loko: Fffssshhh…krrrrrrr…fffsssshhhhh…I can’t hear you! Helloooo?

ULK: Good day.

Loko: Now I can hear you.

14 People To Watch In ’14 | Part 02

Master Ragga Gangsta Ivan Lee started the count last week, and I’m here to finish it. Cos they call me The Finisher. The Ender. The Fullstopper. The Period. Wait! Okay, let’s move on.

Aamito Stacie

Frankly, I didn’t know about this girl until I was told this morning that some Ugandan somewhere had won something.

Ninja Aamito

The conversation went something like:

  • Who has won?
  • The Aamito chick.
  • Won what?
  • Africa’s Next Top Model. You didn’t know?
  • Like a singing competition or?
  • No, dwanzie! Modeling stuff.
  • Good for her! Who again??

So yeah, watch out for this one. She just creeps up on competitions and wins things fwaaa.

Sshh

Janet Museveni

Back in 2013, she didn’t go for public HIV testing with her husband like she was supposed to. Cos she was still training. But after she’s done, she will unleash the biggest and grandest of all public HIV testings.

Kale Kayihura

The police chief’s love for teargas blossoms every other month. I heard he proposed to it late last year. Now he plans to introduce it to friends, family and the general public all year long. Although he has been introducing it for a while now. But you know relationships.

Alex Ndawula

Two thousand years ago, Jesus made a promise that He will one day come back. Around the same time, this Capital FM muchacha made the same promise. But even with the advent of stiff competition from other DJs and MCs, we haven’t lost hope that the self-proclaimed baddest badman on radio will make the promised comeback. One day.

Kid Fox

An unexpected guest on the list but still list-worthy mostly cos he represents a big chunk of failed artistes. As a diehard fan, I have, for the longest time, waited for Kid Fox to sprout into, say, Adult Fox but been hurt every year as my hope was crushed. Same as my other best musician Red Banton. From the beginning, I knew Red Banton’s career was doomed to stop. Cos, you know, Red? Traffic lights? I’ve never understood why he didn’t just change names to ‘Green Banton’. But there’s still hope.

 

A changed man

A changed man

Sexual Intercourse

I know we’re supposed to be talking about ‘people’ but judging by the rate at which sex tapes are being released, we can only assume the sex is acting on its own. Especially since the owners of the sex hide it inside the tapes but are somehow always shocked to find that it escaped and talked to reporters.

Unfortunately, this trend is bound to continue unless people start having sex in heavily secured environments like police stations or Besigye’s house.

Tamale Mirundi

He’s probably the most controversial presidential spokesperson in the world, a title he has rightfully earned from the way he bizarrely twists conversations. He’s that dude in school who barged into a conversation about the latest Apple technology with talk about the growth of agriculture in Uganda and how he also likes fruits. He’s that kind of guy. When he’s asked to make sense, he agrees that yes, he knows about Hisense televisions but doesn’t know how to make them.

Monday Massacres: Tusaba Gavumenti Etuyambe

No, we didn’t steal an editor from Bukedde. It’s a trending Luganda phrase for “Furaaaaaayideeee!!!” Even if it’s Monday.

Seriously though, it’s a classic Shakespearean phrase for “We ask government to save us!” Cos shit man, there’s just too much to deal with.

William Shakespeare

1. The last house party I went to had more men than girls. The rules of partying all across the world do not condone such foolery. Estrogen rules! #TusabaGavumentiEtuyambe

2. When you enter a taxi, you immediately lose value. Like that shittyass flabby ex. They’ll stop anywhere for you but when disembarking, you tell them Wandegeya and they’ll drop you in Nakapiripirit district. Nti “there was no parking.” #TusabaGavumentiEtuyambe

3. People these days like following trends and end up forgetting who they are. They diss Miley Cyrus just cos all the internets are doing it and then go and load all his albums on their iPods. “Screw Miley Cyrus! ♩ ♪ ♫ Akemilaka wreeeeeekimbooooooo… ♬ ♭ ♮ ♯ ” #TusabaGavumentiEtuyambe

4. Boys should stop asking girls to come to their places “just to watch movies”. God hates liars. If you really want to go to heaven, tell her “Come to my place and we have sex”. And girls need to stop pretending they’ve come to watch movies. The sex won’t have itself. #TusabaGavumentiEtuyambe

5. Did you know that famous UG ambassador to the American accent Rarbin Kirsti recently had a battle of wits with our boy Ernestizzle Bazanyizzle on Twitter? Ask myself if you think I’m lying. It got too hot that her accent melted and she started saying things like ‘halarious’. #TusabaGavumentiEtuyambe

@bazanye But what the fuck is your fuckin problem dude, u bin on my case since I came here. Do you have a crash oh wat? #getafuckinjob

6. Complaining about KFC prices is like knocking on your neighbour’s door and asking them to please stop putting so much sugar in their coffee cos you’re those ends trying to watch TV and it’s distracting you. Just work harder and open a savings account so you can some day afford it too. #TusabaGavumentiEtuyambe

7. Many Ugandans find it prestigious to have haters. Cos according to great advice from reputable icons in their headphones like Yung Gotti Flower and J Boner Flex and Lil ill and Blind Fas Chiggiwiggi and other admirably named rappers, having haters is a sign that you’re rich and young and successful and gat bitches in the hood and you wake up in a new Bugatti. So next time someone calls to say they hate you, jump up and down in euphoric folly and quickly grab a bike to the nearest ATM. Cos your account has just been credited, dude!

Duties & Responsibilities Of The Uganda Police Fire Brigade

Owino market has caught fire for the fourth time and everyone is hurling blame at the Fire Brigade for not acting in time, always. Well, for starters, they are called the ‘Fire Brigade’ not ‘Fire Fighters’. Yes, fire is their business but not flames. Flames are not good people. So don’t get it twisted. According to the constitution, the Uganda Police Fire Brigade is responsible for:

1. Firing employees.

2. Firing up crowds.

3. Getting fired up for parties.

4. Singing Fireman by Lil Wayne.

5. Watching Man on Fire by Denzel Washington.

6. Cheering wildly as this guy from Fantastic Four does his thing.

NRM fire dude

7. Firing teargas when Besigye walks.

8. Firing answers when journalists fire questions.

9. Looking for fire to light their cigarettes.

10. Calling the radio and asking the DJ for Firefly by Owl City.

11. Downloading porn using Firefox.

12. Anything but stopping fires. Cos fires are adults. They don’t need to be coerced into stopping.

Kicked Out: What Next For The Lord Mayor?

Many men love attention. Some love to cry like little babies and have naked women run to their rescue while others prefer to just become Lord Mayor.

Unfortunately, Erias Thuglife Lukwago has been robbed of this responsibility. The poor idiot has been – how do you say ‘kicked the shit out of his seat’ without sounding mean?

Lukwagmire

So what’s next for someone who was supposed to just be attending ceremonies but got kicked out for not attending them properly?

1. Start your own ceremonies.

The position of Lord Mayor is only ceremonial. So when one’s ceremonies are taken away, why not go solo? Throw a massive birthday party and turn one of the speakers towards KCCA screaming, “Take that, b#@&?%$s! I gat my own ceremonies now!”

2. Or you could just start an events company.

LM Events

3. Become an MC.

What better way to be ceremonial than to become a Master of Ceremonies? The Fire Base Crew recently placed an ad in Monitor & New Vision asking for an MC with a KCCA background. Only that the ad didn’t run. Being a Lord Mayor was an added advantage because, you know, they are all talk.

4. Buy your own teargas.

One of the privileges of being Lord Mayor is you enjoy free teargas whenever you walk the streets. But who needs donated teargas when you can buy your own, right? And then walk like a boss cos, believe it or not, in Uganda, having your own teargas is a sign that you’ve made it big in politics.

5. Become a presidential advisor.

In Uganda, anyone can be presidential advisor. All you have to do is be a political failure. Even a baby rejected by the Electoral Commission for lack of minimum requirements could become a Presidential Advisor on Diaper Affairs.

This Is What Will Happen To You At Campus

By The Undisputed Fish Drowner Balamaga Rogers

Campus is opening soon and freshers can’t wait. But with all the inviting anecdotes you’ve heard from friends and older siblings, I understand why you would be excited about joining campus, and contrary to what you may perceive from this, it is not intended to burst anyone’s bubble, but just to affirm expectations.

Hereinunder is a list of 8 things that are going to happen after you’ve started campus. While this may be the best time of your life, depending on how much money your father can afford to spoil you with; on the flip side, the same would-be-beautiful-memories may find their way in the same grave you buried those of that, your high school sweetheart who dumped your sorry behind because you screwed up.

Dumped

  • You are going to milk as much money as possible from your parents just so you can stay in the same fancy hostel as your friends from affluent families.

 

  • Your self-worth will then be absurdly tied to how smart the phone your older siblings can buy you in comparison to friends’.

 

  • The size of your TV screen will invariably determine how many visitors of the opposite sex you’re going to attract to your room which will turn out to be quite a big deal as you’ll find out.

 

  • The adjective “cool” will be reduced to being used in relation to what ‘happening’ places one knows and their likelihood of stealing their parents’ car on a Friday evening.

 

  • The use of the acronym “YOLO” aka You Obviously Luck Originality will also be grossly abused to being used in defense of acts of irresponsibility and abject stupidity.

 

  • You will also realize that idiocy will become a virtue; people will gloat about hangovers in dimwitted Facebook status updates written in a peculiar retard-like language that reads sumthin lyk dis with a YOLO hashtag.

 

  • Pitiful as it may be, expressing commitment to your intended purpose and stay at the university will attract so much shame and ridicule from the esteemed members of the “cool” social circles, ultimately impairing your social standing. You will accordingly be advised to get a “life”.

 

  • For those still laded with a capra hymena, chances are that you’ll have that precious cherry you’ve preserved for the last 20 years popped in the icky Casablanca loos by a stranger who will take advantage of your heights.

My only hope, for your own sake, is that you’ll remember to squeeze time in your rather busy schedule to cultivate a few employment worthy skills. Because if your father doesn’t have a slot for you in his company, should you not be lucky enough to know people who matter in the real world; then woe upon your pitiful self.

After you’ve thrown that lavish graduation party and written 13 job applications; you’re going to flop your uncreative tush in your father’s couch and resign yourself to watching Vampire Diaries for another two years.During this time, I guarantee you, your campus memories will be nothing but a poignant reminder of time and money wasted trying to keep up with people you may not even know anymore.

Condom Shortage In Uganda: How To Have Sex The Economically Friendly Way

Kids in Uganda are starving, ADF rebels have regrouped for fresh attacks, Egypt is politically unstable and now we know why. There’s a new shortage of condoms in the country. People are stranded and the world economy is on the brink of eternal collapse cos there seems to be no solution.

300 condoms

Well, there is. Get the popcorn. Below are the top ten UNBS-approved ways to curb the condom problem by having sex in a cost-saving manner:

1. The most common method is to wash your condom after use and use it again. And wash it again and use it again. And wash it again and use it again till it hits retirement age.

2. Don’t use the condom alone. Use it together with your partner.

3. Have sex sparingly. You can have half of it in the morning and then complete the other half later in the evening.

4. Outsource all sexual activities. You can hire interns to have sex on your behalf.

5. Have sex with people in exchange for condoms.

6. Wait for your neighbor to finish having sex and then knock to ask if they are done using their condom so you can borrow.

Sexual neighbour

7. Collect all your sex from the past, present and future and have it at once. Just like bulk SMS, bulk sex is cost-effective and comes with great discounts.

8. To avoid STDs, avoid STDs.

9. Alternatively, you can have sex quietly. That way, the viruses won’t hear you.

10. To avoid pregnancy, don’t pick up when she calls the next day.

 

Merry Christmas & Happy Intercourse!

The Summers’ Guidebook: How To Lie That You’ve Been Outside Countries And Get Away With It

For normal people, it’s easy to go outside countries. You just go to the airport, ask where planes going to your destination are parked, get on a plane of your choice, pay the conductor and go.

For Ugandans, however, it’s a whole different sausage. To go outside countries, all they do is change accents and then they become summers*. What they forget is the industry of going outside countries has continuously evolved into something much much bigger than just changing accents.

Ku siteegi

For instance, if you want people to know you visited London without revealing that it was actually London Pub in Kabalagala, simply follow the instructions below:

1. Start by disappearing. Buy a bunch of DVDs, lock yourself in the house for a week and switch off your phone.

2. For some, however, switching off the phone could prove tricky cos you have to call the DVD guy and complain about the Chinese subtitles. So it’s okay. Keep the phone on. But when people call, always make sure there’s a 5-second-delay between their questions and your answers. They should know that your words first have to board a plane before reaching them.

3. Even when you type your messages, the letters should be at least 5cm apart.

4. And whenever you update your Facebook, make sure your location is set to “Outside Countries”.

5. As soon as you come out of hiding, change your accent. Make sure there’s ‘r’ in every word. It doesn’t matter that it’s British. By law. all outside accents have to have an ‘r”.

6. “IT WAS NICE TALKING TO YOU” is wrong. “IRT WARRZ NRRICE TARRRKING TOR YOURRRRR” is correct. For a more comprehensive tutorial, tune in to the nearest Ugandan English radio station.

7. In every conversation you bump into, drop the name of something famous from outside countries. When you walk into a room of people talking about malaria in Nakapiripirit district, tell them about the Eiffel Tower you saw the other day in New York when you flew to London.

8. At this point, you may notice a confused look on their faces that almost borders anger. That’s good. It’s the “Eh mama!” look. It means they’re envious. Pull a chair and show them some pictures of other beautiful places you visited. But make sure they have no watermarks. Google Images tends to do that sometimes.

If you’ve followed instructions above, congratulations! You’re officially a summer. We wish you a pleasant stay in Uganda.

PS: This guidebook also applies to people who have travelled to countries that can just as well be reached by road. Those are not outside countries. They are districts whose funds were swindled before they could be set up.

UgaDic

*Summer

/ˈsəmər/

  • Noun
 A Ugandan who buys an American accent on the black market but forgets the instruction manual.
  • Verb
To do a summer on your friends because for them they are fake and you’re original.
  • Synonyms
Radio presenter – Even TV – Robin Kisti – That other chap on Urban TV – Dudes trying to impress chicks.