When I was told to write an article to be published to a largely Ugandan audience, I thought to myself, “Why would they want to read something written by a Nairobi-based guy who calls himself Crazy?” You, know Kenyans are not exactly likeable to the rest of East Africa.
We are that know-it-all neighbour that thinks the rest are there to appreciate our glory. We are also reputed to have an in-your-face attitude that can be pretty annoying. We walk around the rest of East Africa like it is an extension of our otherwise large mansion called Kenya. Just like a neighbour who comes to your house, changes the channel you were watching on the TV, helps himself to juice from your fridge without as much as asking – and still complains that you bought the wrong flavour. He then crowns it all by leaving skid marks in your toilet. Yes, that is arrogance.
But neighbours are always hating on each other despite Biblical teachings having a commandment that specifically asks us to love our neighbours. So I am not here to apologize.
But I digress…
Uganda looks like a pretty sane nation from afar and thus you can understand my dilemma regarding what subject to write about. It is the pearl of Africa after all and along comes me, a self-confessed lunatic, trying to sneak a leg in.
However, when I took a closer look, I realized a mad man like me can fit very well. There are all types of crazy in Uganda. After all, it is a country where people get beaten and arrested for VOLUNTARILY walking to work, where police grope women’s boobs and women come out in bras to protest and – their president raps. I think the wise men were right after all when they said we are what we eat because I am leaning towards the thought that almost everyone in Uganda is bananas!
Except Juliana of course. At least not yet. The moment she gets my banana though, she will join the rest.
Crazy old me soon realized I can blend into Uganda quite well. The dilemma of what to write about continued though. I did not want to write something that my neighbours would find offensive (I’m lying by the way. I don’t care. I am Kenyan, remember?) I had to ask the wonderful guys at ULK what Ugandans love so that I can write about it. Their answer? Ugandans love girls and partying.
At first I was excited! After which I got confused. Then came the shock. If Ugandans love girls and partying, that is a problem. You see, my teacher taught me – actually more like beat me into cramming that if a=b and b=c then math sucks and makes no sense because I cannot remember the other part. The problem comes in here. If all Ugandan love girls and partying, my dreams to get Juliana have been dashed. Because she is Ugandan- and Ugandans love girls and partying – and she is a girl – and that means she loves girls and partying which of course is a big problem! Coz she is a girl – who likes girls.
ULK, I surely hope you will say you were misquoted because I need to remove that picture from my mind.
And now this article has gone on without me writing about anything in specific, which is sort of a problem. Because I now have to write about something specific. Which means another article. And just like that, the guys at ULK of course expect another from me, and another… and another. Clever bastards!
See you around. Out!