Author Archives: Conrad Kwesiga

21 Questions?

50 Cent released an album with the chart topping ‘In da club’ way back in 2001 and on it was ’21 questions’. Below are the original lyrics. He just changed them so he wouldn’t pay me. Greedy bastard!

1. Who really let the dogs out?
2. If there’s a Vice President, don’t we at least deserve a Virtue President too?
3. Were the keys to Beenieman’s BeeMa ever found?
4. Why did it take them years to notice that there was a letter missing in KCC?
5. Has Michael Ross ever filed a missing career case with police?
6. Is UMEME mandated to distribute electricity or blackouts?
7. Why are the blackouts distributed for free?
8. Does Besigye go on strike or do the strikes go on Besigye?
9. Why are they called Smartphones if they don’t know who killed Captain Alex?
10. If they are the fastest animals, why are cheaters always caught?
11. Is Fat Boyz only for fat boys?
12. Why is Jinja Road in Kampala?
13. If all roads lead to Rome, why does the Northern Bypass go only up to Masaka?
14. What did ‘Blu 3’ have against the letter ‘e’?
15. If an Executive Director directs, does a Kampala Mayor may?
16. How come there’s a school called Manchester United in Kampala but there’s no school called Kampala United in Manchester?
17. How many sevens are in Museveni?
18. Why was every region in Uganda given a district and yet the country itself wasn’t given one?
19. Does Bobi Wine drink wine?
20. Did Bebe Cool start out as Cool Cool Bar?
21. Is Straka in Kampala or is Kampala in Straka?

If you can answer all, then you should be the first in line to get a national ID.

What if MH370 was a Ugandan Aeroplane!

The state address from the Prime Minister.

“Attention. Can I get your attention please? Afande, give them the teargas. Now, calm down my people. The government is working on finding the answers. All we know is that the plane disappeared from thin air, and we are trying to find out if the sky has anything to do with this. It has also come to our attention that Uganda is in the tropics so for a plane to disappear in thin air is something you don’t find in the tropics and we don’t have thin air. We are now investigating the thin air, and we have got some leads there too.

We have a parliamentary committee that has been set up to investigate the perpetrators of this hideous act. This is not what we fought for in the bush war. Our cadres and comrades did not die for this.

Our parliament now has the technology to find out and locate the missing plane. My afande here tells me that there’s an app you can download from the apple store that can track things. How else do you think we find Besigye?

We have also set up a parliamentary committee to give five million shillings to the aggrieved families. We are sorry that this happened and we promise we are working on it. People who are trying to unsettle our government shall not prosper.

We have sent our investigation team to Soroti flying school to further investigate and see if the pilots had degrees or diplomas. That is very essential in discovering their motives.

Our police dogs are also trained to sniff out black boxes and the police is already doing that.

We are sitting as parliament to discuss the allowances we are going to give ourselves to discuss what exactly transpired to UA370.

We have ruled out Kony, Besigye and Lukwago but we have our police standing on standby waiting to see if they have anything to do with this.

Please, we beg you dear Ugandans, if you kidnapped the plane, don’t kill it.

We have ruled out that the plane landed in water. Our technology is not yet water resistant so it must be somewhere on land.

The leader of opposition should also stop suggesting we bring in aero dynamic specialists and investigation teams from outside countries. We don’t want them to bring their homosexual acts here. We as a country can handle it with our panel of experts and definitely when we seat down as a parliament and discuss, we shall discover who the real culprit is.

Thank you very much.

God Bless Our Country.

Afande, you can stop firing the teargas now.”

decks_ipad_transparent

MPS GO FOR IPAD TRAININIG

A peek into what will be happening at the MPs iPads training.

Trainer: Do you have your iPads with you?

MPs: Yes.

Trainer: Turn them on!

MP for Gulu: How sir?

Trainer: Do you all see the button at the bottom middle?

MP for Gulu: Bottrom middle?

Trainer: Ok, let me come over there and I show you!

MP for Kampala: Naawe. Press this button!

MP for Gulu: Oh. Like that. Ok teacher, I am ready.

Trainer: Now, Slide to Unlock.

MP for Ntungamo: Sride to unrock? Nawe. We know thati ka one. Nitukakyenga!

Trainer: Have you all slid to unlock?

MP for Nebbi: Slid not slided? No wonder people failed English in these S4 results!

Trainer: You will now be on your home screen. Now on your home screen, you have apps!

MP for Busoga region jiggers: Ups? What do you mean ups?

Trainer: Apps for Applications!

MP for Busoga region jiggers: Osaga. What if we want downs? Can’t I have downs? Me I want downs.

Trainer: But? Ok. Who else is on their home screen?

MP for Gulu: Why do they call it the home screen?

Trainer: I don’t know. Ask the people from apple?

MP for Gulu: They are apple people?

MP for Kampala: No, not apple people. The iPad was made by people from Apple.

MP for Gulu: You man, why are you lying me. Apple is a fruit and not a country! You think I don’t know about you people from Kampala.

Trainer: Can we please continue with the training?

MP for Kampala: We are not talking about the apple you find in your fruit salad at Parliament.

Trainer: Apple is a company created by Steve Jobs.

MP for the Jobless: Hahaha. Pun. Did you guys hear that? Steve Jobs created Apple.

MP Youth Fund: Who has the highest score on flappy bird? I just got a new high score. 5.

MP Karamoja Affairs: Can I see? What is this flappy bird?

MP Anti Pornography Bill: Is it naked?

Trainer: My high score on flappy bird is 58.

MP Youth Fund: What? We shall expel you from parliament like the rebel MPs.

MP for Parliament Affairs: Guys. Pay attention otherwise we might not get our allowances today.

Trainer: Ok. So, on the home screen you will find apps. Can anyone tell me some of the apps they have?

MP for Gulu: InstaLimits

MP Youth Fund: Angry Money

MP for Karamoja Affairs: Whatsapp? What is this thing? Me I am fine.

MP for the Jobless: Solitaire

MP for Kampala: Uhm? I don’t see any? My screen has gone black!

MP for Parliament Affairs: Fruit Ninja? Is that the one they use to make our fruit salad?

Trainer: Alright. Any questions?

MP for Ntungamo: Hati, howu do you sride to unrock? What do I press?

Trainer: . . .

Well, that’s how it might go down. We shall surely keep you updated.

 

How to quit your Job?

Everyone who has ever written a self-help book on how to be successful has only written about How to get employed but no one ever talked about How to quit your job? Here at ULK, our self help book also teaches you how to quit your job!

Do you like your job? Do you feel like you are being overworked and underpaid? Do you feel like its time you moved on? Do you like your workmates? Do you like your job? We ask again, do you like your job! You who is reading this? NO?

The experts at ULK have tasked us with teaching you on when to resign and quit your job.

Step 1.

Write that resignation letter. When you are writing this, make sure to make it as juicy and as exciting as that CV you handed in when you are looking for that job. Remember how you said you are goal oriented, loyal, excited and looking forward to being part of the team, well, do the opposite now. You are going to write about how you greatly miss the organization and that your aunty who used to pack lunch for you is also going to miss the team. Only good things.

Step 2.

Attach the letter to email. I don’t think people print out resignation letters any more.

If you’ve printed, still, attach it to the email.

After, send it. Done. You are now officially on your way to being unemployed.

But remember;

Monday: You can’t send it when the week has just begun. There’s no past tense for worst. Well, if it were, then that would be the worst of the worst Monday ever, for you.

Tuesday: Do you want to miss out on the half price office pizza day? Don’t even risk sending it.

Wednesday: Don’t attempt to send it. It’s the mid week crisis in office. People don’t know what to call it. Half empty (Monday is done) or Half full (Friday is around the corner).

Thursday: But Friday is tomorrow.

Friday: Don’t send it in the morning.

Friday 5:30pm: Click send.

Step 3.

Wait. Patiently wait. Resigning is not as easy as you sent it on Friday you won’t have to go to work on Monday. It’s more than that.

Step 4.

Pray you don’t meet your bosses in the office corridors, toilet or in the board room alone after sending it. Run away from office.

Step 5.

Remember, do it at the end of the month. You don’t want to do it at the beginning. I mean, who does that? Are you a monster? People’s feeling will get hurt. You need to get them when they still have some salary on their accounts.

If you follow these steps closely, I can now say you are officially unemployed. Welcome to the club, Hooray.

 

A FOOL’S GUIDE TO BEING RECRUITED INTO THE POLICE!

A narrative from the Police Officer’s Recruiting Enforcers (PARE)!

Do you like to pare my people? I said Do you like to PARE?

I have a feeling this title has been used before but that shouldn’t stop me now. I’ll do what Kanye does best and just be me. I put the me in Kanye! Did you watch the News? Uganda police on recruiting drive? Did you guys see the future teargas crew? The people who will be harassing you with pink water soon who also can’t speak English? Like, work with me here! Anyone?

Well, here’s your guide to making it through to the police academy! Well, if you have these qualities, or even just a wee bit of them, join now or maybe you are a formidable candidate.

*Remember the movie Police academy?

Anyway presenting;

1. Are you good at playing apart together apart together’? If you are good at it then definitely you will make it to the police academy. You will easily ace the physical exams with this. That’s all you need.

2. Can you keep a white uniform clean with only star blue soap from Mukwano industries? If you can, then definitely the police will recruit you. Also, instead of Kyambogo students striking, they could do research on the secrets of those white uniforms and how they manage to keep them clean.

3. Do you have any education qualifications? No? It’s ok. Your birth certificate showing that you are indeed Ugandan (only requirement) is all you need to join the police force.

4. Nakupiga sana wewe nakupenda. . .ok, I’ll stop here now. But if you can make out a few Swahili words then you definitely qualify to join the Uganda police force.

5. Are you 16? 18? 35? 50? It’s never really too late to join. They don’t have any age restrictions when it comes to applying for the Police force. Sign up now.

6. Did you know that police have the right of way in the wrong lane? If you didn’t, just go and sign up.

7. If you never grew out of the cops and robbers stage as a child you can now upgrade. Our police force is hiring. You are their future.

8. Do you know what Afande means? If you do, you get straight As at the police exam.

9. If you can hear a drunk person, then clearly you are at the top of the list of police recruits.

10. ARE YOU BROKE? ARE YOU SERIOUSLY BROKE? Join now. Take a bribe. It gets easier.

11. Welcome to the Police academy.

To Happy End of Year Resolutions

The year has ended. The year has finally ended. 2013 felt like every Friday was the 13th but finally, its done and closing soon and Rebecca Kadags has given us a bunch of Christmas and New Year’s gifts to begin the next year on a bang. I also want to give you gifts but the most I can are written down here (I am broke). Well, these are not gifts, just a few resolutions Ugandans should think about.

1. Learn how to use emojis, emoticons :) . I hope I used that right?

2. Finally pay for whatsapp using mobile money, if it can allow.

3. Arrest people who send you a whatsapp notifying you about the facebook message notifying you about that email they sent you about that phone call you missed.

4. Hopefully Eddy Kenzo can make it to the B.E.T Awards, or Mun G, or GNL or Big Trill or Ruyonga or Benezeri. The list is long they’d have to use an Airport Taxi! See what I did there?

5. Radio and TV presenters who can properly articulate themselves like they went to journalism school and not Janalism school like Rabin Kisti. Did Rabin Kisti even go to school?

6. Ensure that Bebe Cool finally pays all his rent arrears in his area code.

7. Make sure the Makerere University Students strike during the holidays.

8. Kyambogo University should apply for more outdoor learning instead of indoor because that’s what they do best.

9. When you make a sextape, make sure its not on a flash drive, CD or anything other than a tape. Authenticity counts.

10. Mint helps you pass the breathalyzer test but I am not sure this is a resolution. It also works for bad breath if you want to hold conversations with innocent people in a taxi. Get mint.

11. Golola should finally find something to beat other himself in the ring.

12. MTN and giving people bad mornings by giving stalkers 1 minute every day to assault you to pay their rent. STOP!

13. All the gospel rappers should finally decide on whether to keep it secular or keep it unsecular.

14. People should stop sending call me back messages when there’s daily combo on Orange. STOP!

16. Add Kaguta to the timeless people UTL already has.

17. Vote for the BBA participants before they go instead of when they’ve already gone.

18. Send BBA contestants that have completed a Bachelors Degree in Nothing instead of the S.4 UCE certificate.

19. Send BBA contestants that don’t sound American. Jesus is tired of weeping.

20. Lukwago should come up with a better catch phrase than Inflagmento Delecto. This is so last year. Speaking latin in luganda should also stop.

21. And may Monday and its mornings be less frustrating.

22. TPF 1 (Tusker Project Fame), yes, TPF1 winners should finally release some music or sound. Anything at least.

23. Finally save enough money to go to KFC!

24. Allow me to stop here. So. Many. Resolutions. . .

25. . .

2011. . . .

2012. . . .

2013. . . .

2014. See you next year ;).

 

present

THE LEGENDARY CHRISTMAS PRESENT LIST

As the year comes to a close and the seasons begin if you haven’t sinned or on contraire, haven’t been a bad person, Santa is surely going to visit you. But then again, Santa is for rich people who can afford to have chimneys (like in the movies) unlike most of us who use sigiris. I am not even sure if Santa can fit in a sigiri but that’s not the point either.

This year, the kind people of ULK have asked to compile a list of presents that you can ask Santa to get for you so;

1.  Air-filter-mask.

For all the tear gassing baby Jesus foresees in the near future, this is a must have. Tell your Santa to get you one before he runs out of stock seeing as many people have it on their asking list too.

Air-Purifying_Respirator

What do you mean someone farted?

2. A Dog.

Terrier

Say Cheese

Do you already have one? Well, the people at UMEME are about to reinstate the fabled Load shedding so now would be a time to get an anti-UMEME measure. Then again, Santa can get you dogs from outside countries that are fiercer. Do you know of the dogs that speak German? Those ones.

3. A 6 Sim-card Chinese phone.

Another telecom I am told has made its presence known and is asking people to name it. How about No Name Telecom? Well, if you see Santa, make sure you ask him for that 6 sim-card telephone such that you don’t have to switch off your phone every time you have to call your girlfriend because of free-calls-on-the-other-sim-card-that-is-not-in-the-telephone-at-the-moment!

4. Better Politicians Next year.

Sorry, this was on my to get presents list but then again, maybe it’s also on your presents list. Well, the more the merrier, right!

5. A refrifrigigirator

There’s going to be so much fanta this season, in the compound, in the bedroom, in the kabada, and everywhere you need to have more than one refrifrigigirator so ask Santa for one. In fact, he can give you free ice, I mean, he’s from the North Pole where all the ice in the world comes from.

6. 21 pieces of chicken in a bucket for 99k from KFC

No, not Kansanga Fried Chicken or Kikubo Fried Chicken or Kikoni Fried Chicken but Kentucky Fried Chicken. Apparently the chicken flew all the way from somewhere in America to come and celebrate this holiday season. I am even told the nkoko nkulu tastes like it owns a visa. Ask Santa for this!

5772491603_54923ee063_z

Seems about right.

Well, those are just a few presents you can ask Santa Clause for this Christmas or Mr. Museveni. They even look the same without the hair and they both have big hats. Anyway,

Have  a when-you-read-this-its-near-Merry Christmas.

Mixtape Image

The University Mixtapes!

Sometime last week, some UCU and MUBS students made a mixtape of their bodies. It was so off the charts it went viral underground. The best part is, now people want the full album. Their mixtape was awesome it got people talking. It was so awesome we momentarily forgot Kendrick Lamar’s Control verse. Yeah, that serious. It was so awesome you need to read this too. So, I thought to myself, why not make a mixtape of my own.

Mixtape Image

I don’t think that you are ready ‘fi dis

Track 1: Burn Them feat Game.

Now, if you are into making mixtapes with bodies, remember burn, delete, delete from recycle bin. Have NO evidence. We all know some of you have it on you bucket lists, not sure how deep (the buckets) they are, but if you have it, make it and burn it. Remove all evidence of causing an eclipse because you don’t want people travelling to your Pakwach and asking for district rights for having such a magnificent sight.

Track 2: Get off my Phone feat Ludacris.

I don’t know about you, but mixtapes are personal and so are the gadgets used to make them. Screen protect, lock, swipe and delete all whatsapp groups that might have access to your phone. Make sure you hire security to guard your phone while you are sleeping and stop being nice to friends who want to make phone calls or text their friends from your phone. They just might be texting and whatsapping themselves your video.

Track 3: In the Bedroom feat 50 Cent

I walked into my bedroom and thoroughly checked for any hidden cameras. None the less, if you made any mixtape and don’t want to take credit, make sure your faces are not shown. Make sure that your face is also not part of the rapping such that people think its fake. This track is especially for people who are courageous enough to download BBM on android phones.

Track 4: Imagine Us (read a***) feat Kirk Franklin

Mixtapes of the bodies are never supposed to go viral. Let alone, we are not supposed to release them to the public that’s why they are always made underground. I just don’t understand people who do this thing above ground (during the day and in the light unlike in the dark). Again, mixtapes of the body are not done in HD like one of the rappers seemed to indicate while being wrapped by another. So, if you have high tech gadgets, keep them to yourself.

Track 5: Yesu Bera Naffe feat That woman who sang this song

For those with morals, kindly revise your bucket list. For us(not me)  who still want to make our mixtapes of the bodies, please, kindly go ahead. But listen carefully to the lyrics of the songs above.

Track 6: Solidad feat West Life

Where’s the solidarity? I also don’t know but if your friends are quick to give away your mixtape as fast as these ones did, and also make an appearance on the crazed black pepper newspapers for rappers to give you shout outs, telling us how you started from the bottom and rode up to the climax, then this song is for your hurt soul. It surely will speak to you.

Anyway. . .

Started from the bottom, now we here!

Started from the bottom, now we here!

I want to give a shout out to the readers, even the kafulu who’s poking their head just to read this awesome article. We love you and stay tuned for the next mixtape coming to a whatsapp near you.

Screen Shot 2013-10-31 at 3.03.56 PM

The Acholi finally famous!

It was announced earlier that Uganda would be getting its first ever total lunar eclipse somewhere in Acholi land next month. This news was received with proclamation that 30,000 tourists will come into the country to see the total lunar eclipse. We contacted the Minister for Internal Affairs and asked him a few questions about this total lunar eclipse and his is what he had to say.

ACHOLI-DANCE

We finally famous…we finally famous!

US: So, good news, Uganda getting a total lunar eclipse, what do you have to say about that?

Minister: I am glad you came to me. Finally, I can now add to my C.V that I was the first minister to bring in a total lunar eclipse in all of Uganda. I can now brag to my other ministers. In fact, I just sent a petition to government to increase my salary for bringing in a total lunar eclipse. You see, I went to the NASA and asked them personally if they can bring the lunar eclipse to Uganda and they allowed. This makes me a man of importance in this country.

US: So minister, you’ve still not answered our question?

Minister: You see, when I was in primary school, our teachers used to tell us about these things, and now, I can go and tell my teachers finally that I brought them a total lunar eclipse. I am now cool like that.

US: But aren’t your teachers not teaching any more Minister?

Minister: Well, I will go to the school and ask for them to put a monument of me as the first Ugandan to bring the moon to Uganda.

US: But Minister, we know that the total lunar eclipse is going to be in Pakwach?

medicine-man_pvs-photography

Shit, who took the lights out?!

Minister: Eh! You are serious. Let me call the president and tell him that we need a minister for Pakwach Lunar Affairs (PLA) now. You see the government needs to capitalize on such opportunities. We are going to create more jobs for the people in Acholi.

US: What about the 30,000 tourists you said would be coming to see the lunar eclipse?

Minister: 30,000? They first need to ask visa from my office and if they don’t give me my ka-chai, I cannot allow them into my country. Besides, we also have other tourist attractions like Jennifer Musisi’s lawns and trees with tires in them in the city centre. I really like that woman but she’s hard to ku kwana.

US: Jennifer Musisi’s trees with tires?

Minister: Wangi?

US: So, Minister, what about the people of Pakwach, what do you have to say to them about the lunar eclipse?

acholi warrior_2

We really need to stop and ask for directions.

Minister: For a long time when I was studying social studies, I wanted to know why those people were black. I think now that the total lunar eclipse is coming, those questions will be answered. In fact, we have sent a research team from government to buy land where the total lunar eclipse shall fall. Then we shall tell NSSF to buy land there. That land is very important. The country needs to invest in land where the total lunar eclipse has fallen.

US: Thank you minister for your time.

Minister: Ate my ka chai. This interview is not for free.

US: Actually, the people from Pakwach are the Alur.

Minister: Ok bye.