Author Archives: Ernest Bazanye

About Ernest Bazanye

types at a fast, certain and shockingly accurate rate

Where Are They Now? Chauncey Black from Blackstreet

 

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One of them is Chauncey. The rest are black streets

 

Q: Your name is Chauncey Black for real? And you are from a group called Blackstreet? Isn’t that kind of silly? Like me being in a group called Bazooka cos my name is Baz? It sounds really forced.

A: Actually if you read Wikipedia you will find that it was. I was nicknamed Black, and there was another guy called Stonestreet. They put the names together and made Blackstreet.

You must feel so relieved the other guy was not called MacDios. Okay. Let’s start by refreshing the memories of the readers. You were in this group called Blackstreet, a 90s R&B group who liked to spell their name as BLACKstreet but I don’t have that time.

That’s right.

Most people know the group but don’t know the members’  names due to a severe shortage in the 90s of fucks to give about that sort of thing. So maybe you could start out by telling us who else was in the group.

Well, there was me then there was Teddy Riley, the leader, then there was …. Um…. Um….. um….

Dave Hollister, Eric Williams and the Stonestreet guy?

Yes, those ones. Hell, even I don’t remember them niggas’ names.

I wikipedia’d. Now, what were some of the songs you were known for in Blackstreet?

Well, there was Booty Call, Before I Let You Go,  Don’t Leave Me, Joy…

A booty call in those days

Booty call was about this

I have never heard of that last one.

You know “Joooooooy…”

Are you sure that wasn’t Usher?

No, Usher was  “Joooooooy”. Ours was “Jooooooooooy.”

That now sounds like Kenzo.

It was our song, okay? I know that for a fact, I co-wrote it.

You are sure?

I have no doubt.

Not even a diggity?

Ah. I see what you did there.

Yes, I am a humourist. So, what happened to Blackstreet?

The truth is that what happened was white boybands came along and took over.  Nsync, Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees and such like. It was a massacre. They just came and took over the market for male harmonizing music. We didn’t stand a chance. Ask the members of Silk.

What the hell was Silk? I don’t remember anyone called Silk.

See?

But I remember NSync. They were Justin Timberlake’s Destiny’s Child.

That’s them.

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So what did you end up doing? Drugs and groupies of annually decreasing quality until you found yourself in a gutter doing crack and that hoodrat Lakeesha?

Oh, no no. Actually, it so happened that I had an B.Sc in Chem before Blackstreet and since we actually used to hit back in the days when people bought music we had some money so I was able to go back to school. Now even have a Ph.D.

That is so awesome . You mean you are Dr Black? Dude you need to get back into music. Doctor Black is too cool a stage name to pass up.

Actually, Black was kind of a nickname. My real name, is Chauncey Hannibal.

YOU ARE DOCTOR HANNIBAL? I swear you MUST get back into Showbiz. You MUST!

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Maurice Kirya 101. Paper 1

 

 

What is the correct spelling  of Maurice Kirya’s name?

a)      Mooreese Kirya

b)      Morris Kirya
c)       More Rice and Liver
d)      Young Reezy
e)      Old Reezy (Cos Kirya must be in his 30s now)

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Maurice Kirya’s character in The Hostel and Gilo (played by Johnny Bravo) are going to have a fight one day. Any time now. What will this fight look like?

a)      Karate Kid (the new one when Will Smith’s kid gets meleed ninety-eight percent of the movie.

b)      Neo in the Matrix vs Agent Smith

c)       Ben 10 vs Vilgax

d)      Robina Kisitu  vs  Twitter (seriously, this chick does not understand that you can’t tweet certain things when your boss has a computer?)

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Which of these instruments does Maurice Kirya play?

a)      Da Jitta

 

Besides that.

a)      A comb

b)      Sunglasses

c)       A fork

d)      The local governments code of ethics

 

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What is Kirya Live 2013?

a)      We see him those Ntinda sides oba?

b)      Doing without condo…

Don’t be silly. There may be kids reading this. Or Catholics.

a)      Kirya when his bodily functions are active and in good condition

b)      His concert coming up at the 18th of July at Serena.

c)       Why can’t I make the condom joke? Kids should know about condoms also.

d)      Gilo is also a musician called Matthew Nabwiso. Do you think he will come to the concert and steal the microphone batteries because of their beef over Patra?

Those are fictional characters. Nabwiso is probably buddies with Kirya. You never know.

a)      I hope not. If they are that will be kind of boring. I want them to fight.

b)      Maurice Kirya is also a fictional character. I only see him on TV and on the internet. How do we know that he is not also a fictional character

c)       By going to the concert, dumbass.

d)      This is no longer a test. The questions and answers are getting mixed up.

 

Where Are They Now: Priscilla Ray

 

In the 90s before there were hairweaves, people used whatever.

In the 90s before there were hairweaves, people used whatever.

 

Q: Hi Priscilla Ray, we are glad to be able to find you here, where you are, and that you have given us this opportunity to tell our readers in Kampala what you are up to. Let me get right to it and ask the first question right away. Who the fuck is Priscilla Ray in the first place?

A: Well, I was a celebrity in Uganda in the nineties.

Q: There were celebrities in Uganda in the nineties?

A: Munange, we were the ones.

Q: Tell us more. In which category of celebrity did you fall? Did you sing Eno Mic or Wankyekekya, or did you act with the Ebonies?

A: Oh no. None of those. Me I was a supermodel. Even my legs are still long.

Q: There were supermodels in Uganda not just in the nineties but, like EVER? I mean, we know there are chicks in Ug now who think they are models and they think that makes them glamorous, but in reality no one gives a wharrever about a model. Models live in garages subletting until they hook a white sugar daddy.

A: I assure you I was not like those ones. I was famous and had a lot of media coverage. Plus I was brown and Ugandans think that is so cool, so they loved me.

Q: Okay, assuming you were actually a celebrity, even though some of our readers by  now still think I am making you up cos they have never heard of you, why did you stop being famous?

A: I didn’t stop being famous. They even still write about me on tabloid websites. The other day I had beef with Zari on twitter!

Q: So? I have beef with Zari on twitter every hour.

A: Yeah? But does she respond to your tweets?

Q: No, but I assume that is because she doesn’t know how to read words written in full spelling. Now, Ray, this interview is getting out of  control. You are supposed to be telling me what you are up to and what you have been up to since you stopped being famous. So, are you also managing a restaurant in outside countries like Eva Mbabazi?

A: I have been involved in some businesses in outside countries.

Q: So if I come to Boston I can find you in MacDonalds like Eva and tell you whether I want fries with my big mac?

A: You are just a hater Bazanye. I swear, you are just jealous.

Q: That’s true, and it is really pathetic. I am a professional at the top of my game, and I am jealous of anyone, even a Macdonalds waitress, all because she gets the chance to live in a country where she can watch Netflix. Man, I wish I could get Netflix.

A: Suffer locally.

Who Or What Is An LK For?

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Who Or What Is LK 4?

Not who you think. You thought he was just some miscellaneous nigga there who saw the chance at free room and board in a luxury resort in outside countries for three months during which all he had to do was try to copulate with African women and drink heavily? But wait, my friend. There is more to LK4 than his three balls.

He has three testicles?

No, that is just a fancy way of saying somebody is a sports player. We say they have three balls. Lugudde has two testicles and one basketball. Or at least we assume there are two testicles. We DMd Zari to ask but she isn’t responding

 

ULKampala  @Zarithebosslady Hey Zari, hi. How many testes does LK4 have? #justasking

 

So what else is there to him, besides the nutsack?

It was revealed just before he left the Big Brother House, that Ivan Lugudde Katwe is actually a royal, a prince.

You mean like Akeem?

Worse, because he is, it is reported, second in line to the throne.

Mbu Second in line to rule? How come Sejusa never warned us about him?

Maybe it’s not the throne of Uganda per se. Maybe he is second in line to the throne of like a part of  Kisaasi.

Are you sure he wasn’t just drunk and talking shit? You know how these bakopi like getting drunk and talking shit.

Possibly. Because he also mentioned that his mum had 17 cars

But she kind of does. I mean if you assume he forgot to mention the words “former” and “Sugar” in that sentence.

What else was he up to in the Big Brother House?

Well, as we saw in the job description, trying to shag Africans from other countries.

Did he manage?

We understand that there was a South African called Cholesterol who was poised to give him some but then they both got evicted.

What? They dare evict the Prince? His Royal Supreme Highness Lugudde Katwe IV?

You’ve got the “highness” part right. I mean, how much do you have to drink to go on tv and tell the whole of Africa that you are the fucking prince of Uganda?

 

 

 

Who Or What Is A Denso?

This would have been one hell of a diary room session, though

This would have been one hell of a diary room session, though

 The one they call Denzel?

They can call him what they want. We call him Denso.

Tell us more about him. 

Denso is the latest fellow to join the list of men and women who answer to the title of “Former Ugandan Big Brother Housemate”. He joins names such as Gaetano, Sharon O, um…, thingy, gundi, so-and-so, oli, Frobisha Lwanga I think (I don’t remember clearly) and Sharon O’s legs cos they are so nice, you gotta count them twice.

What is Big Brother?

It’s a gripping, entertaining, addictive TV show where the continent’s bravest, smartest, most daring youths compete for supremacy to find out who is the best African of that year. Or that is what you would assume given all the hype. If you watch it as if looks like sociopaths locked up under surveillance so we can watch them come slowly undone.

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What did Denso do?

He gave bellybutton cunnilingus, farted, gave massages and danced as if the farts were trying to get back in.

What didn’t he do?

Wear clothes.

What?

I think he was trying to represent the plight of the impoverished African child who has inadequate access to food, clothing and shelter. At least to represent a third of that plight.

What else didn’t he do?

Win.

Heh heh.

I couldn’t resist.

So who is left in this Big Brother?

From what I can see, Usha from Mali, Rob Pilatus and Zari’s Windows Vista boyfriend.

Wait. Rob Pilatus? From Milli Vanilli?

Yup. He’s South African now.

Fab and Rob, aka Milli Vanilli

Fab and Rob, aka Milli Vanilli

 

I thought South Africans were supposed to be good at music.

Heh heh. You couldn’t resist either?

No, I couldn’t. Now the Zari commection?

Yeah. I am not sure which one is him, but one of them is the dude Zari balled when she had split up with her husband before he bought a Lambo and reconciliation occurred.

Are you going to give us regular updates on him?

They won’t be regular, and I wouldn’t trust them if I were you.

 

Imagine Big Brother trying to evict THIS Denzel

Imagine Big Brother trying to evict THIS Denzel

 

 

The Iryn Case: It Was All A Big Misunderstanding

Dear Iryn,

Baby, it’s so good to have you back. To see you back on home turf, on Ugandan soil, in the land where we made you, where we love you, where you can feel safe? That’s feels great. You can eat some katogo and mubisi and hoof and sing in that celestial voice of yours which everyone with satisfactory ears will agree is the most awesome voice since sonic vibrations first entered the stirrup hammer and anvil of human beings.

 

Chick you're just a drug yourself.

Your voice is just a drug itself.

 

I know it has been a tough experience for you while you were locked up in Japan for alleged drug trafficking and it can’t have been made easier by the fact that all these haters here were talking all that shit. I hear mbu you have been listening to too much Rick Ross and now you want to start slanging rocks internationally and be fly like a G6.

 

Eyo njaga

Eyo njaga

 

But me I always knew you were innocent. No, I’m not just saying that the way all these other stans say it. I really really knew you were innocent. It was all just a big misunderstanding.

You see, I told my guy to  put the drugs in the luggage of someone called Allan Mubiru. That is our usual guy. But you know Japanese and Ugandans share a weakness when it comes to the letters L and R so the fool heard his own things and put the stuff in the wrong bag.

I am really sorry for the inconvenience. I regret it even more than you would imagine because now that means my drugs are in police custody in Japan. That is a major loss for the business. Nobody regrets it more than me.

Except for a bunch of Japanese drug addicts who really need to get high but their score is in Tokyo PD lock up.

 

Love

The Kampala Kingpin

 

Why Are They Muzzling The Media?

Monitor, KFM, Dembe FM and Red Pepper have been shut down by the popo. There was a raid on their offices by SWAT commandos who issued the biggest baddest STFU in Uganda. It was like in G.I. Joe. So cool.

But what was the reason behind this action, why would the government send armed troops to close down media organisations? Doesn’t that contravene the ideal of press freedom?

Why? You want to know why? You want the truth?

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But can you handle?

 

Okay. Here.

 

  • They shut down Red Pepper because to hell with Red Pepper, okay.
  • We have warned Monitor over and over again about the error in their tagline. It’s not supposed to be Truth Everyday, it’s supposed to be Truth Every Day. Three words. If you can’t get it right, just stop printing.
  • KFM has been broadcasting over a wetland.
  • Sharon O announced that she was going solo and there was a tip-off to the Ministry of Ethics that Monitor was going to feature an interview with her. This interview might be printed with a photo of her with her awesome legs, in contravention of the miniskirt bill.
The moral fabric of society is skimpy

The moral fabric of society.

 

  • Seriously, the hell with Red Pepper.
  • Roger Mugisha and his lies must stop. Mbu pastor. Pastor biki.
  • And what’s with those accents? Why can’t a radio presenter talk like a human being instead of wrengwreng mwerr mweerr?
  • Even Obama agrees that press freedom should not include Red Pepper.
  • If you want to be raided, you can also make a letter of your own here

 

Who Or What Is Iron Man 3?

You have heard everyone talking about how torn they are that they went for Iron Man and found it sold out. You have seen the fire in their eyes and felt the spittle that splashed out of their mouths. You have wondered at the irony of this rain coming from water. You have stopped at the word Irony and said, “Heh.”

Let us explain.

Define Terms: Iron Man is a man called Tony Stark who made a garment two flicks ago that flies. It is like Ovlo. Muzungu Tapama. But, unlike regular Ovlo (Muzungu Tanya) this one was made of Iron, a ferrous metal mineral.

The Ovlo

The Ovlo

Why? Because then it could be used as a machine and it could fly,  shoot niggas when they are acting the fool, and stuff like that.

Did it work? Yes.

Being badass

Billion dollar badassness

What are the advantages and disadvantages of Iron Man?

Advantages include the fact that Tony Stark is a douchebag with money who doesn’t give a damn. That doesn’t sound like an advantage but you watch the way Robert Downey Jr plays it. He makes being a selfish, conceited, jerk look so cool, I am sure half the people who left the cinema were saying to themselves, “I am never going to be a nice person any more. From now on I am going to be a total prick. Yeah!”

The other half didn’t say this because they were already pricks.

In fact that is a disadvantage actually. To society at large, not to the quality of the movie.

So what are the advantages? VIOLENCE!! Lot’s of it. Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Blow up stuff! Blow up stuff! Blow up stuff! Man!

Toosh toosh!

Toosh toosh…and the helicopter died

Assess the dialogue: Shane Black is the director of this film. He is known for writing world-weary elderly law enforcers who are teamed up with wild, manic, outta-control partners in unlikely companionships. Sometimes the old guy is black and the other one is white (Lethal Weapon) sometimes the other way round (Last Boy Scout.)

This time he has Robert Downey Jr and Don Cheadle, two of the most magnetic actors on screens today, so we expect Shane Black to give us great dialogue.

Did he deliver? No. The banter was as lively and sparkling as wet fish. Which is to say it was not.

Sounds like you didn’t like the movie:  Are you kidding? I loved it. Violence is so so glamorous! I swear. I love watching things shoot stuff and explode.

What about character development and stuff? They had two movies to develop the characters. Either this time they either didn’t feel the need to waste time on that, or Shane Black doesn’t know how to. Did I mention that this is the guy who made Lethal Weapon? Have you watched Lethal Weapon? It’s about two undeveloped characters who shoot some things and make other things explode. Only they say cool stuff while doing it.

What Happened To Samuel L Jackson? The great Samuel L Jackson was not in this movie. He was in the first two, and in fact, he was boss in the first one in spite of being in it for like only two seconds. But in this one nara.  Not even a cameo by the eye that was missing in the previous two.

And Scarlett Johanssen?: Even her. No sign. Yet she was at least one and a half stars of Iron Man 2 and The Avengers which, we have already told you was the REAL Iron Man 3. At least kko a cameo banange? Tuswala. Really.

Vice Scarlett

Although Vice Scarlett is not so bad either

Where Are They Now? Inspector Derrick

He is still immortalised in our minds as the classic template of the TV procedural cop drama. I am short of coffee and therefore don’t want to write a proper intro. Anyway, see this guy?

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The words that follow are an interview with him.

 

Q: On the line we have Horst Tappert, famed for playing Inspector Derrick on UTV back in the day. I guess the first question, Horst, is: you passed away in 2008, according to Wikipedia. How is TV star heaven?

A: Vell, it is not Germany, but zen again, I cannot complain.

Are you saying Germany is better than heaven?

In Germany I vas famous great TV legend. Here in heaven, all I do is fly around viz ze vings playing ze harp. I cannot be TV star in heaven because zere is no TV in heaven.

Why not? Because TV is a tool of sin?

Reception issues.

Oh. Anyway, surely there must be some fans of yours up there. Someone there who watched Derrick on TV. At least some Ugandans.

Nope. No Ugandans in heaven. All of you go to ze ozer place.

What?

Hey, I don’t make ze rules. It’s your fault. All ze drinking and ze fornicating and ze stealing of ze funds ze German donors send…

Well, let’s get away from that, and talk about television. I know there is TV in heaven. Otherwise it wouldn’t be heaven.

Zere is only DVD. Ve get ze shows already made on Earth. But because it is heaven, ve get plasma screen HD and no commercials.

Do you watch any current cop dramas and think back to the days of Derrick and think, “These kids are punks. Derrick could kick all their asses.” Do you?

Oh yes. Ven I vatch Psych, zat is exactly vat I think. And ven I vatch Law and Order, I vatch CSI, I sink, “Vhy do zey show zese shows in Uganda? I sought in Uganda zey do not allow ze gay shit.”

Is there any show you do like? At least one show you like.

I like ze Tventy Four. Alzough I sink Jack Bauer could have solved ze case in eight hours if he had help from Derrick.

You know what is weird about Derrick? I don’t remember there being any chicks in the show. I mean, there should always be a hot lady cop in the precinct. Like Freemah in Law and Order. Don’t you agree?

This is Freemah in case you are wondering

This is Freemah in case you are wondering

Vat do you mean? Zere were vomen in Derrick all ze time! Ze German vomen!

I don’t remember any.

Vat about mein assistant Harriet Klien?

Harry was a woman?

Aus_der_Reihe_Derrick

12 Steps To Success: How To Be A Security Guard

It is The Urban Legend 12 Step Guide to Success in Whatever You Do: Leggo.

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  1. Think of all the people who have ever pissed you off since you were a kid and hate them. Hate them a lot. Hate them all day long.
  2. Now with all that hatred and evil and loathing making your heart black and heavy and stonehard, go and apply for a job with a security firm.
  3. When they give you a  contract, you will see the part where it says in the job description “check people entering premises”. Cross out the word “check” and replace it with the words “molest sexually”.
  4. Get a uniform and see if it fits.
  5. Then either lose weight or gain weight—whichever is easier to make sure that the uniform does not fit at all.
  6. Remember that teacher who caned you when they caught you shooting mpafu in P3.
  7. Get stationed outside an office or mall or bank or some other place where innocent civilians tend to pass. Maybe even a church.
  8. Every time one arrives, remember the Congolese who stole your girlfriend.
  9. The person walks up refer to them as “YOU!” but not a good “you”, the kind of “you” that is used in the sentence “you contemptuous and revolting waste of flesh and carbon dioxide, you are the one who spends nights sodomising medium-sized rodents, aren’t you?” Say “You! What is in the bag! Bring and I see.”
  10. When the person suggests that you don’t have to be rude, and that they were not refusing to be checked and that they are quite ready to comply with the security protocols required to enter the building, sneer and grab at their bag. Grab at it as if it is a wild animal attempting to escape capture. Grab at the handle of their Gucci handbag as if it is a hyena throat.
  11. Rip the thing open and stare inside with your mouth curled downwards as if you already despise everything this person has ever done. Hope that you find something sexual in the bag like edible panties or a vibrator so you can take them out and embarrass the chick. If it is a guy and you find a vibrator, that will be your lucky day.
  12. You are not allowed to grab the person’s bottom any more but this doesn’t mean you cannot make them uncomfortable. Use the wand. That metal detector thingy. Use it suggestively to emasculate the men you check or violate the women. Then let them enter and cry from inside.