Author Archives: Ivan

About Ivan

doesn't get why you feel compelled to force an accent when you're talking to summers

What I learned | Jungle Book; SuperBowl Trailer

Literature was one of my favourite subjects in O’Level. I didn’t excel in it, but it was fun because I got to read stories or ‘perform’ while we went through the plays. I realized a little later that the key to doing a damn good job within the subject is to possess an analytical mind and never to take stuff at face value.

It is a skill that has served me well in the years beyond the short shorts of academia and is what has helped me decipher the subtext in the trailer for Disney’s “The Jungle Book” movie.

Screen Shot 2016-04-14 at 2.19.55 PM

At first glance, it looks your ordinary jungle scene; kid running, animals pursuing him and then it hits you; this is about the Human Race. The Black people, who some regard as animals seem to be lagging behind the white man erm child.

Screen Shot 2016-04-14 at 12.29.26 PM

It’s easy to run to the conclusion that Jon Favreau is being racist, but its actually a critique of the human condition that he has managed to disguise very cleverly.

We also see that the black man doesn’t strive harder after making it past the white man. Does he stay hungry? Does he try to outpace the white man-child? No. He is content with being a few steps ahead of him talking about food. And then we see the white man moving ahead of him.

Enter the tiger… I’m not sure what race is being shown in the next scene…. But what’s clear is that it’s fighting the black race as the white one watches from the sidelines. In fact, it could be argued that this is a veiled nod at Batman’s input in the fight between Doomsday and the super powered beings in that other movie.

"F**k this shhhh"

“F**k this shhhh”

One has to wonder whether this is a director showing the world that he is well aware of the US’s tendency not to intervene in matters beyond its borders until they directly affect the greatest nation in the world.

A question that arises when the black man… I mean animal, has been wounded and can no longer offer any distraction protection forcing the white child to flee and, in a move that is easy to miss, jump to conclusions.

Animals leave your herd at home, the jungle's jumpin' jumpin...

Animals leave your herd at home, the jungle’s real packed and jumpin’ jumpin…

Actually, the white man does a lot of running… but we see that he is not afraid of getting his hands dirty… as long as he is not seen.

However, we see a patriotic side of Jon Favreau come through when he shows that the white man is not averse to taking the bull by the horns when things get tough.

"What a load of bull," said young Mowgli...

“What a load of bull,” said young Mowgli…

There’s a scene that speaks to the treachery that the white person has to face. And what makes it even more brutal is the fact that this treachery comes looking for the white man when he is ‘just there’ minding his own gaddam business. This scene features a snake that sounds a lot like a sentient computer Operating System. I’d go on in greater detail but I’m sure you’re all familiar with her.

Screen Shot 2016-04-14 at 2.15.51 PMHowever, this very scene poses the question, are all snakes women, or, are all women snakes. This calls for subjectivity as no one answer can address the duplicitous nature of snakes or humankind.

A theme that’s been prevalent in many movies before this is further explored. The white man offering the rest of the world ‘light’ or wisdom. What makes this particularly poignant is the fact that in this scene, the white man is willing to share the light with his sworn enemy; Tiger race… I’m starting to pick up some odd Oriental undertones here.

Can you see, the light... tonight...

Can you see, the light… tonight…

Then we see the white man beat a bear’s tummy with his bare hands. This visual pun could be dismissed by the non discerning viewer, but it speaks to the cruelty that animals face daily. It almost foreshadowed the lion that was killed in an East African country not too long ago.

This movie is bangin'

This movie is bangin’

The director also alludes to the day we shall all be united and leave in harmony. We can also achieve a lot together when we put our heads together. This is not even masked. It is right there in black and white…speaking of, Black and White; we are supposed to be friends after all. This, I believe is the message the movie is trying to advance.

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Side note;

I’m not sure I’ve seen this much jumping in one ad

Screen Shot 2016-04-14 at 2.18.36 PM Screen Shot 2016-04-14 at 2.18.15 PM

 

 

What I learned | Batman V Superman; Final Trailer

Way back when during Literature class, I was taught that nothing was ever as it appeared. If the author mentioned grass swaying in the wind, he likely meant to allude to the young people of his day living recklessly.

That thinking has served me well enough to know that there’s more than meets the eye… Here’s what I gleaned from the trailer for Batman V Superman.

batman-vs-superman-logo

The title alone tells you that this is a movie about a power struggle, but that’s really just the surface. Who are the fighters? Well, it’s pretty evident that it’s about race as evidenced in the color scheme.

The Batman character is always clothed in dark clothes while the Superman character has fairly bright clothes. This alludes to race relations in the USA.

Blackness

Darkness in America

To further push this idea, you will notice that when they get round to fighting, the Superman character does not carry any weapons. This is supposed to draw our attention to the scourge of violence in the States that has seen black people carry guns, ie glocks, and use them against the supposedly defenseless white people.

However, there is some inverted sub-text that speaks to our colonial history. This is most evident in the part that speaks to our reliance on the white man for aid. He clearly states, “Stay down! If I wanted it, you would be dead already”.

The trailer also drops hints regarding the theme of immigration. The Superman and Wonder Woman characters are from out of town and what do they do? They promptly pick fights with the people they have found in the country they have chosen to settle in.

The Superman character, though white, offers a glimpse in to the lives of hardworking white people that have not grown in to wealth.

Can I scrub your back, m'am?

Creepy fully clothed man leaps into shower of unsuspecting white woman.

For one thing, we see that he is overwhelmed by all the water in the city.

This is clear from the scene where he jumps in to a full tub with a fully clothed Lois Lane. The argument here is clearly, “If you give the less privileged amenities, they will misuse them”.

Perhaps one of the most glaring things to be taken out of this trailer is how it foreshadows the Presidential Election (US or UG, you be the judge). They have attempted to mask it tactfully, but you can not look past the fact that the billionaire is picking the fight with the lowly newspaper reporter.

donald-trumps-hair_zpswqc4ev8g

Woops, I meant this one…luthor

In fact, this actually speaks volumes about the abuse of civil liberties and people’s rights.

There is also an element of sexism on display wherein the only time anyone pays attention to a woman is when she is wearing short things. The same woman is seen dancing in a long white dress earlier on, but no one ever mentions that particular scene.

The "let me go and pee real quick" part of the movie.

The “let me go and pee real quick” part of the movie.

However, when she steps out in a short skirt and wields a whip like a dominatrix, it is explosive.

Explosions all over. In the movie and in fanboys' pants.

Explosions all over. In the movie and in fanboys’ pants.

The stereotype that black people are more athletic is on full display in a scene where the black character (the Batman) is not in costume and has clearly been whitewashed. Here we see him running around into dust. Yes, dust, further reinforcing the old adage, “you can take a man out of the village, but you can count on him to run right back.”

The trailer ends on an optimistic note, however, as it shows that one day, the black man may say, “Enough! I’m done taking shit from you”.

Oh, you 'bout to learn!

Oh, you ’bout to learn!

Upcoming Releases That Probably Won’t

You're right. It might not fit....

You’re right. It might not fit….

Following the uproar wrought by the 50 Shades of Grey movie (and the uprooting of carrots and cucumbers), the logical thing to do is manage our expectations. No reason we should get turned on knowing full well we may not even share a drink from the same cup. That said, we thought we would ask the government’s censorship committee to identify some movies we might have to turn our FOMO dial down for.

Cinderella – Cate Blanchett, Lily James

Conductor, first chill, I have no dime for fuel…

On the surface, it’s a simple tale of a young lady’s pursuit for a happy ending and her suspect choice of footwear. Look again and beneath the saccharine exterior a more sinister propaganda comes to play. It’s a story of a young lady who throws herself at a rich man and then seduces him by leaving items of her clothing behind. On top of that, she relies on witchcraft provided by a stranger only identified as Fairy God Mother…or FGM. Is it a coincidence that the same initials stand for Female Genital Mutilation? I think not. We do not want our young ladies’ morals compromised, so this is a no-go.

Get Hard – Will Ferrel, Kevin Hart

Black guy 'kwe-tying" tuts..

Black guy ‘kwe-tying” tuts..

The adverts that we’ve seen so far suggest that the story is about a white man who needs to toughen up for the life waiting for him in prison. Of course that would be just fine, but look again. The poster for the movie features a young black man braiding a white man’s hair. Initially we were going to ban it on the basis that it messes up people’s self-esteem by suggesting that we are still under the thumb of the white devil, but we took a closer look and with the help of a pastor put two and two together. It’s clearly a movie about inter-racial homosexuality. The name is very telling, but it’s the fact that the white man is being tied bi-tu-twa that put the final nail in the coffin.

Furious 7 – Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Dwayne Johnson and their friends

See, America is not racist

The cast of America: Not racist at all

This movie is wrong on very many levels. After we’ve fought to defend our nation’s leader for the better part of two decades, this movie comes and suggests in its title that he is angry. You can tell they tried to veil their intentions by dropping the M, but we saw right through this deceit. In one trailer you can see a black guy, possibly Ugandan going by his name, Tarsis Gibson, being teased mercilessly by his friends for praying. As if that’s not bad enough, they opted to use flashy cars. If the movie producers really had any goodwill for our government, then the characters would all be driving big yellow buses.

The Avengers: Age of Ultron – Too many people

More kavuyo than the taxi park

More kavuyo than the taxi park

In what is clearly an opposition move, this one is about how a group of people gang up with plans to overthrow the one person who has the best intentions of the people. He even declares how he is not corrupt by telling them that he has no strings on him… directly translated, he has no ties to people’s money. And how do they repay him, buy bringing in foreign aid and attempting to overthrow him. We won’t air this one because it promotes dissidence. Age of Ultron? More like Age of Ulterior! There’s also kaboozi of someone creating Vision. How is that possible? Vision is not created. You either have it or you don’t, and as you are all aware by now, only one person has the vision here.

Jurassic World- Chris Pratt and some other people

Dinosaurs be like: PHOTO BOMBED YOUR SELFIE

Dinosaurs be like: PHOTO BOMBED YOUR SELFIE

This movie is not necessarily bad, however it undermines the history we have been pushing in schools. All the adults reading this know about Gipir and Labongo, Kintu and his bae-Nambi, introducing dinosaurs in to that mix will just confuse the public. In this case we weighed our options and it didn’t make sense to have a bunch of adults feeling like their whole lives have been based on lies. This is why we won’t be showing this one either.

Ant Man – Paul Rudd, Michael Douglas

Prepping to drop that Luga-Flow jam

Prepping to drop that Luga-Flow jam

In this movie, the little guy saves the day. That’s how wars begin. Look at Libya’s Arab Spring. It started when an absolute nobody sent RIA (Rise in Arms) instead of LOL and then before you knew it, more and more people joined the uprising. We have our hands full with striking lecturers and students at Makerere, we don’t have time for people who have been inspired by movies. This will not air and you will thank us when you realise we have also spared you the tear gas and embarrassing strawberry yoghurt.

 

Mission Impossible V – Tom Cruise, Stunts

christopher-mcquarrie-tom-cruise-jack-reacher1

Dereva, wali ku stage…

We honestly had no problem with this particular film, however we received a call from the same pastor who had received a vision of the outcome of the 2016 elections. He said that he had met with the balokole group and the consensus was that having a movie with the word Impossible in the title would go against their preaching that “nothing is Impossible”. To go against them and let this movie show in the cinema would be to lead the flock astray and we cannot condone such things. This movie has therefore been terminated.

The Fantastic Four

Electricity is going you guys, have you charged?

Electricity is going you guys, have you charged?

The title of this movie sounds suspiciously like a coalition of opposition members. Is it Mao, Besigye, Ssebagala and that Denzel guy from Big Brother? We like that Denzel guy from Big Brother, but if he has decided to team up with these people we will not stand for this. This movie is under investigation for what exactly it stands for. Is it a friend or is it a foe. The title says four, which sounds a lot like foe, so we may have no choice but to refuse this one also.

Chew on that for a while..

 

In the news this month…

Much to my consternation, the year is still young and as such it’s making stuff up as it slowly trudges along. Unfortunately, in the process, a lot of the stuff it’s chucking out at us happens to be a rehash of stuff we have seen or experienced before. On the plus side, we can sort of predict what’s to come… using algorithms, a mysterious dusty book from way back when and time travel. Here’s what you can bet will be in the news this month.

Another batch of nudies or sex tapes.

Musicians have been tackled, so have TV presenters, it’s only fitting that the nasties scale the walls of politics and claim a representative of the people. I’m not a gambling man, but I think the first prominent member to rear his head in your WhatsApp thread is going to be a former mayor. What will make it disturbing is the fact that you will not know whether you should laugh or be disgusted…or sorry. This cocktail of confusion will give way to…

An apology for the sex tapes…

For whatever reason, people have developed an annoying tendency to apologise for their leaks… Zari too, and if you watched her video, you would understand why it doesn’t make sense that she issued a statement. Issuing data refunds would have been more effective as would putting her back in to it next time, but I digress. The lead star in the new video will be despondent and say he is sorry that his “private parts are now in pubic”. We will laugh at how hysterical it is that he can not pronounce the word PUBLIC, but out mirth will quickly give way to anger as soon as…

The police will order a probe in to this new sex tape….

Which doesn’t make sense when you think about it. If you’re reading this, you are probably contributing to their salaries through some tax or other, however you have to ask yourself, why are they detaining people for more than 10 minutes under the pretext of questioning. Come on, how much time do you really need to ask a suspect whether that’s them appearing in the video/picture posing with a tin of doom saying, “you’ve been dirty, I’m the cleaner”.

I imagine out of the embarrassment, the accused will rush in with a full blown statement printed out in Times New Roman, double spaced and with a passport photo attached. Even if the interrogation went thus, “is that you? Are you sure? Are you reallllly sure?” It would be a miracle if it went beyond an hour…. And that’s factoring in the request that the person in question pose for selfies with some random traffic cop. What you really should be paying attention to is…

Another cabinet reshuffle…

In case you missed it, the president of the republic engaged his cabinet in a game of musical chairs at the end of last month… it was particularly interesting because it soon became apparent that the people in the game had no idea they were in a game and from subsequent interviews, it was evident that the president was not playing. It might have been that my WhatsApp message was truncated and as such I didn’t get the full list, but I imagine it’s only a matter of time before another seat is removed and some hapless individual has to face the music… but these things are not too bad. There’s always . . .

Jennifer’s body

KCCA has made it clear that they mean business and have gone around closing establishments that are unhealthy, breaking buildings and threatening to arrest boda boda riders who fart while their customers are on the phone… Alright, I may have imagined that last one, but the point is, the Executive Director is on a mission to prove she means business… Unfortunately the road to my place is not aware of this and still goes on to rape the tyres of cars and devour those of boda bodas in a sadistic ritual involving its children, the potholes…If you think that’s contrived, wait till you get a load of…

The Next Telenovella

Beneath The Lies gave our celebrities something to do (for those that could actually act, anyway) but NTV (also known as the TV station that hosts Fabiola’s hips) has struck gold with their latest idea. Simply put, it takes that feeling you get when you’re watching a show and thinking, “I’ve seen this before….” And shouts at you, “heck yeah! We just made it local”. Basically they are taking one of those Hispanic soaps with a tacky name such as, “The Wind Beneath The Flower of Death in The Valley” in the English language and something in Spanish that sounds poetic enough to make you want to have unprotected sex with it in poor lighting, apology letter in tow…. shit, that sentence went on for too long…

Right, so basically NTV has taken a show and decided to make it UGANDAN. This is a smart strategy for a number of reasons. For one thing there’s the digital migration nonsense that will see an uptick in local content, but why I think it is a clever move is this…. While The Hostel may come under scrutiny for poor acting, this new show will know it’s on the right track when people deride its stars for not looking genuine.

 

How To Bag That Vote For President

It’s gonna be an election year in a couple of months and you know what that means. That’s right, the candidates are going to go to outrageous lengths to swing the youth vote their way. The incumbent took to rap as a means of showing that he was hip and cool and all that, but how is he going to get people to take notice come next election period, you don’t actually want another rap, do you? {I’m intentionally being vague seeing as the elections may or may not be in 2016 depending on how the decision makers feel about freebies around that time}

Has anyone considered the possibility he was actually voting by touchscreen?

Has anyone considered the possibility he was actually voting by touchscreen?

Turns out, M7 has already started with the ”Cool-cool” already by jumping on the selfie bandwagon, so now all that remains is to see how the opposition is going to even the playing field. With rap and photography already done and dusted, there’s only so much you can do…

TROLLING :  Verb | The art of deliberately, cleverly, and secretly pissing people off, usually via the internet, using dialogue.

The most likely candidate to pull this off is Warren B. He has proven that he has the chops to annoy people by merely walking, imagine what he can do if he really applied himself? Of course there is still that hurdle he has to jump over; getting the president to accept his friendship request on facebook. While he waits, he can hope to high heavens that the selfie the president took appears on instagram or twitter where he can post remarks such as, “At least I have the foresight to keep my eyes open in photos lol”

FOXING: Verb | Claiming you will do something and then not delivering at the last minute

You can NOT, and I repeat NOT {to be able to make my word limit}, get any more youthful than this. Scores of young uns are familiar with the concept and are usually easy to recognise as the ones that have been forced to share that bottle of krest in the club because their sponsor ‘foxed’. In case you are reading this and thinking, “Hang on a minute, I know a guy that did that,” you’re right, but I doubt Otunnu will be rehashing that move. What is this, his taste in fashion?

TWIRRA: Popular online destination for people with stage fright to express a brief 140 character long opinion

Now this is not really very conducive for our politicians because, let’s face it, even when they shouldn’t, they have a lot to say. Think birthday parties for instance, “I would like to wish this young girl a happy birthday. Happy birthday young girl. May you grow up to be a force of change. Let the people who see you allow! The struggle is real. Speaking of struggles, when we first had elections, we didn’t think things would come to this. But you see how they have become. Anyway, God is there. But you need to also hope for free and fair elections. A country without these, is no country for old men. You see us here, but there will be blood. As you look around you, take not of the faces. Some of these people don’t wish you well. They are cubs in lambs’ clothing. Do you know what a cub is? Actually, they are the mafia…” … and that’s the guy you will expect to follow on twitter?

SEX TAPES: Let’s save this one for the Guild Elections article

HANGING OUT AT THE NEW MALLS; KFC, PLANET YOGHURT, LA PATISERRIE, CINEMAS etc

The problem with this is you can not shake off the feeling that it will eventually turn messy with the politician trying to convince you that it is in your best interest to actually pay for his meal. Failing that, the conversation will get drawn out unnecessarily with people observing that the mini-skirt law didn’t actually kick in, or, and this happened to me, there are greater threats than that stupid law after all; People who go to these places for the sheer sake of doing maalo and having their pictures taken. FACT. Just because you posed in front of one of ours, there’s no real reason the person at the visa office will let you go and pose in front of one of theirs.

PHOTOBOMBING: The act of showing up uninvited in someone else’s photograph.

This is fast gaining traction and there is no real reason a politician shouldn’t leap on this particular bandwagon. All they need to know before hand is that for a photobomb to work, they need to actually be the secondary party in the shot. It does not make sense for someone to wrap their hands around you like some needy octopus clamoring for attention and then smugly declaring, “Ha, I exploded your photograph”

 

 

14 People To Watch in ’14 | Part 01

Taking a cue from one of the dailies, we have gone ahead and assumed that you guys have nothing better to do with your lives than have someone tell you who to look at and for what reason. It’s not you, it’s us. We are pricks that way and you are our unwitting prey. Apologies. But hey, seeing as you made it this far, here are the people that will do something sometime this year….

Juliana

The singer was most recently involved with a guy many claim to be a South African doctor of some sort… We are not comfortable ascertaining of witch persuasion. As we write this, there are photos clogging my ‘whatsapp’ account and getting in the way of my New Year’s messages. Rumour has it that there’s also a sex tape, but my supplier around one of Kisementi’s pavements claims there’s no clear copy yet. We don’t really care for celebrity porn because it just leads to the sprouting of Kardashian-esque tendencies, so we will keep things simple and watch Juliana for her body of work, and not for her body.

This is a studio. Musicians like to come here and make noises. In that regard, it's like a hotel room, except that no one we know has ever been kicked out over not paying for its use.

This is a studio. Musicians like to come here and make noises. In that regard, it’s like a hotel room, except that no one we know has ever been kicked out over not paying for its use.

Mubiru

The former Sports Club Villa manager has accusations of sodomy hanging over his head and was until recently hiding outside our borders. For whatever reason, he chose to come back, was arrested, promptly thrown in to a cell and probed in what may or may not have been the best 36 hours of his life. Word going around is that he was recently dismissed, ending a scenario a member of the public equated to being akin locking the proverbial fox in the henhouse. This puts the public in a compromising position seeing as, when it is passed, the law will require you to identify homosexuals or risk being thrown to jail. If you see him, for your safety, look the other way. That’s “look” not “turn”.

When you place a ball in front of some, they figure they will have a field day...

When you place a ball in front of some, they figure they will have a field day…

Bad Black

Shanita has gone through the kind of crazy transformation over the past couple of years that would have the legendary King of Pop asking her to slow her roll. The reason she makes this list is borne of concern more than anything. When the public first met her she was a rich Chocolate Brown, then she got thrown in the pen, took on a shade of yellow (the uniform, try to keep up) and after her release, assumed the shade of a geisha. We are appealing to the public to watch Bad Black in 2014 because with the way she is going, it is apparent she is going for transparent.

You know it's only a matter of time...

You know it’s only a matter of time…

University Lecturers

Remember what we said about the students being competitive? Well, the lecturers sort of are like that, except that they don’t seem to suffer the same rebuke. Really, you’d think John Q Public would wag a finger as they admonished the lecturer thus, “Shame upon you! A Big Boy!”. But for some reason, we all put aside our grievances with lecturers and sympathise with them. Sure you could see the cobwebs hanging from the punch-lines of regurgitated ‘jokes’, but somehow you suddenly feel for them when they strike.

Judith

We paid her no mind in 2013 and the year ended with nude pics of the (and I really loathe this word) socialite. J-Heard’s our friend and I think in the interest of keeping her privates out of the public, we will do well to pay more attention to her. And in all sincerity, by the time this goes up (the article) (not the other thing) we could very easily be the only people who will not have not seen her. In the words of a soccer manager that decided to turn himself in, “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”.

So, er, this what the internet throws at you when you refine your J H search and add the words, 'with clothes on'….

So, er, this what the internet throws at you when you refine your J H search to include the words, ‘with clothes on’….

University Students NOT from UCU

University students are notoriously competitive. When one lot goes on strike, you can bet your ass, another will follow suit. With the whole sex-tape thing from last year, we can only expect that other institutions of higher learning will want to top what was done. In a big way. We can practically see the next producer ditching his cameo role and participating in some other capacity. They really should bring back English Language lessons, otherwise we will have more hip-hop lingo messing up our vieiwing experience, “Yo! Now drop it like it’s hot, as in…”

The Princess

In case you were wondering, yes, for legal reasons we cannot identify her by name. We will not even drop hints. All will say is, thus far, her leaked pictures are the only ones you will not be embarrassed about being caught with. No, really, if someone walked in on you in the middle of your ‘date with palmella handerson’, you would not fumble to hide the picture and issue an apology. In fact, the closest you will come to contrition will be the following line, “You guy! First switch on your Bluetooth and I hook you up. Anti you don’t have data?”.

To Be Continued…

Sex And The univerCITY; A Campuser’s Diary

Dear diary,

I have come to you in my darkest hour because if I go to the internet, it may leak like that sex tape everyone is talking about. Funny thing about that incident, the only thing that leaked was the tape. I don’t know if anyone else noticed that… even the tap water was not flowing. Kyoka campusers. LOL {Lots of Libido}.

Anyway, me I’m not amused, as in, what was up with the soaping action? I’m surprised Sempa hasn’t come out to decry the potential sodomy that was there. Wabula, people can be dry, at least in prison movies they fast wait for you to drop the soap. This guy didn’t want to wait. Naye I get where he was coming from, campus can be hard. You get?

As in, coming…hard… I wonder what soap he used.

I think Lifebuoy is the one they usually use for such dodgy acts, but I don’t think he would have been able to sustain his attention with the smell of that soap. Munange diary, I remember those days of Lifebuoy. The thing would even stain your hands. Kale he should have just used Geisha, he would have lasted longer, oba.

But campusers can also be competitive. Not in class, obviously, but outside…or inside, depending on how you look at it. Kati guys are saying there are 400 more sex tapes that leaked. None of them is from that ka-boy Chris Thomas which sucks. Me when I skive classes on campus it is to watch movies, not to star in them. Things can change.

But you know what, I think maybe I am speaking from a place of beef. I think if I had a smartphone I would have also experimented. But I can imagine already…

o—.___      o–.

o—‘—      o—`—

 

o                 o

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o             o

X               \

__//__o          o–\_=

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o_/\/___      o__\/\__

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o o            o o

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/TT \         //TT

 

 

 

o____            o o

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Eh, but that can chew my airtime mob, but at least it won’t leak in the papers or facebook. But who would recognise me anyway? Zerros can overtie on me though. It’s like that time I jumped the wall. Fithe was on my fresh, mbu I had climbed the wall. I told him to prove it and he pointed at my freshly broken hand. I was in pain, but I convinced him it was April Fool’s. Kyoka Old timers!

But how did they convince that chick also them? Oba what’s the going rate? She didn’t even look high, but the way she just bent over, proper pro just! I think she has been to prison before, no one bends with such gas without experiencing the penile code… oba is that supposed to be the penal code. Kasta it’s a code of some sort.

Naye now, this other dude who was filming them, is he bisexual? How can he conc be there looking at his peeps. Atte in clothes. At least he would have lied mbu he will join them in a bit, then, when they are not looking, he screams that soap has entered his eyes. Then, when the pals are there telling him mbu, sorry, what, he would have said to the guy, me I’m easy, now even you enter her eye. Vibing 101.

–          A Campuser

 

PSA: Ask Not What Buganda Can Do For You…

We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming for this kalango.

The official way of looking at it…

Oct 2013: Kabaka of Buganda commissions the MTN Uganda Mobile Money collection platform for the Buganda Kingdom development initiatives

Our take:

Welcome to another exciting edition of WHO WANTS TO SPONSOR A MONARCHY? I see you scratching your head wondering, ‘another’? That’s right, another, this is that exciting event that’s got the whole world doing a little something for their royal family. The UK is still collecting facial expressions for the queen mother and as we write this, they are first approaching smiles. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, SMILES.

But this craze is not just in bulaya. Walahi, even here next door, the wonderful albeit clothes deficient people of Swaziland are still breeding beautiful young girls for the king to pick whenever he feels like it. The government is getting involved too; they have banned the importation of bras into the South African country. And men are getting in on the action. Last we heard, there has been a resurgence in the use of the popular pick up line, “let me introduce you to a friend that will treat you like a princess”.

So where do you come in? It’s simple, Uganda, like most countries that are NOT Russia, has kingdoms. And like most kingdoms, that are NOT America, these are headed by a king or queen…or a tree. The wonderful people at MTN have made it easy for you to help the Kabaka go about his development initiatives. Oh, and here’s the best part, you won’t even have to vacate your seat. You just need to whip out your phone, go to the Mobile Money menu and send your contribution to help with developing the place.

You know how you keep looking at kids, wondering what they are taught these days? Well, my friend, that little brown thing wearing glitter and denying that she stole your Long Island Ice Tea, could benefit from a school.

Think of it this way, if you buy her a drink in the club, or even hand her money, you’re corrupting her morals. Now you can look her in the eye and say, NO! I will put up with your shit no longer, I will send you to school and before she can roll said eye, whip out your phone and contribute to one of the Kabaka’s projects.

How about our crammy hideous horrible roads? While Jennifer is working on them, and putting together a carnival, you can do something about them too! Scroll back to that line about whipping out your phone and making a difference.

For more information on how you can do something, click here.

UPDATE

We may have gone overboard with the whole school kid thing…

Speaking to his subjects, Kabaka Mutebi pointed out three major projects that are in need of development including; re-building of the Masiro, renovation of the Bulange buildings and funds for the Bulungi Bwansi projects among several others. He urged the people of Buganda and well-wishers to embrace this innovation from MTN and donate generously towards the development of the Kingdom

…but that doesn’t mean you can go ahead and splash dime on those young úns willy nilly. They have to work for it. ..and leave first thing in the morning.

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Jammin’ Space

News reaching our desks has it that NASA’s Voyager 1 has finally left our solar system. To bring you up to speed, the Voyager 1 is a probe that sets off to explore space and go where no man has gone before. In essence, it borrows a bit from Wentworth Miller, Elton John and that workmate that still carries a vibrator to work, ‘just in case’.

"Is that a probe in your pocket or am I happy to see you?"

“Is that a probe in your pocket or am I happy to see you?”

The probe was launched in 1977, running 68 Kilobytes of computing power, so everyone seems to think this is an achievement unto itself. You know who doesn’t think so? That kid that was showing off with the dodgy grey Samsung flash disk back on campus, rocking all of 64mb. He is sitting there, stroking the obsolete piece of tech hanging from his neck and thinking, ‘amateurs’.

So, what’s the plan? Well, whoever sent it out there desperately wants to know what’s happening out there. They don’t really care about what’s happening on the other side of the ocean, “You mean Africa is NOT a country”, but they are hungry to find out whether there is alien life out there.

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Alien Technology from 2003

In fact, I believe the politically correct term, because we don’t want to be offending alien life forms, is “intelligent life”. Therein, may lie the answer to that baffling question, if it’s intelligent, it knows better than to reach out to earth. Why the hell would anyone want to get in to contact with the planet that’s responsible for a twerking Miley Cyrus, an incoherent L’il Wayne and Erias Lukwago?

They’d likely be watching from a distance and thinking, “sheeeeiiiiiit!” and using recordings of Robin Kisti’s accent to ward off insurgencies. “Carm Orn! Carnt we arll live in harmorny? Pearce arnd Lurv, y’arll. Pearce arnd lurv…”

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What’s particularly important to note is that some measures have been put in place just in case the Voyager does encounter alien life. It’s been equipped with a gold plated record with images from earth and greetings in 55 languages. If the aliens are smart they will probably fight over the gold and move on, because, really, what are you going to do with a couple of ‘bonjour’s?

And what criteria was used to select those languages anyway? I’m going to hope the pictures don’t feature our landmarks and shit, because that’s how stuff gets blown up in the movies. Aliens be like, “I’d hit that” and then they do just that. With laser beams and prejudice.

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On the flip side, things can’t be that bad. There’s no way on God’s then green earth that they took any Ugandan language. Don’t get me wrong, the Western languages have that almost seductive drawl punctuated flow ending in a muted ‘teh’, Northern languages will, through their delivery let anyone know not to mess with us, but let’s be honest, we’re a bunch of haters. We won’t be welcoming, we will be saying stuff like, temufuka wanno, mulye sausage and K**a N***o!

 

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Michael Scoffield in… Closet Break

It was reported recently, that Wentworth Miller, star of the once popular Prison Break has cut ties with the closet he has been calling home.

 

“As a gay man, I must decline,” Miller wrote in his letter. “I am deeply troubled by the current attitude toward and treatment of gay men and women by the Russian government.”  {followed by some other newsie stuff}

In Soviet Russia, Closet comes out of you!

The news has drawn a variety of reactions from his fans with some going as far as rethinking their baby making strategy. Joining us today for an interview is The closet.

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The Closet:    Thank you for having me over.

ULK:              The revelation that he was leaving you must have come as a shock, how did it go down?

The Closet:    Well, to be honest, it was a long time coming. He had become a little distant. I was accustomed to him being scowl filled, but I could sense that something
was not quite right.  But by virtue of our relationship, I suppose the signs were there.

ULK:                 How do you figure?

The Closet:    As you can see, I’m made primarily of wood. That he would take to  me so easily should have alerted me.

ULK:                 How are you handling the break up?

The Closet:    I don’t know what to say. Like I said, I should have seen it coming. I  should have read the signs…anyway, I guess it’s over.

Nze mbwasse!

Nze mbwasse!

ULK:                 Is this anything like the Ricky Martin ouster?

The Closet:    Now that you mention it, I can’t believe that I’m a fool again. But no. Ricky was never inside me to begin with.

ULK:                 Going forward, please avoid phrasing it like that.

The Closet:    Ricky didn’t hide his preference for members of the same genital group. Heck, every music video played like a personals ad…or audition, but Wenti… think about it, he was in a show where he was incarcerated, seemed to rely heavily on a gay character and had more lines adorning his body than a Van Gogh painting.

It is all so unprecedented. It’s only a matter of time before Martin Sempa comes after me accusing me of housing a resident evil.

Ricky Martin_1993

Ricky Martin. Unfamiliar with closets

ULK:                 So what happens now? What’s your plan going forward?

The Closet:    I don’t know. People are going to start thinking I have a problem. I seem to have more people coming out of me than a slut offering a clearance sale. I think I will have to pay more attention to the people I allow to enter me. Operate a Hotel California policy…

ULK:                 Once you’re in, you can never come out?

The Closet:    Huh?

ULK:                 Isn’t that the Hotel California policy?

The Closet:    Oh, I thought what happens in Vegas…

ULK:                 For a talking closet, you’re not very smart.