The Weekly News Roundup

By • Dec 12th, 2014 • Category: Friday Fries

In dry corridors news

The week saw things. Yamawe! Socialite turned miner (She mines diamonds, lately) Zari released a sex tape and it has garnered a lot of revenue at Box Office. Okay, scratch the Box Office part. I am trying hard to write something about the sex tape because there was nothing to write home about. I am dry of words. Actually, as the one-second long sex tape went on, it turned out that Zari was akin to the dry corridors of Karamoja. Jose Chameleone’s concert might be staged for her. It was such a booooring piece that, after receiving it, people wanted to take it to the streets, matching, hoisting banners and protesting for time wastage and their precious MBs that were devoured in the process. Zari was also seen defiling a young, baby dildo. #BringBackOurMBs

In maids’ news

The venomous maid who was captured on camera jumping on top of a toddler’s back and hurled to the cells to help do laundry there, was dragged to the courts to determine her punishment. She looked different from a burly figure that was seen dancing on top of a kid’s back. Maids are ninjas. They can change shapes. But what made the headlines was, she rocked a thick wig that looked like a roof of a grass-thatched hut in Nakapiripiriti district. I always knew that wigs were associated with evil.

In I-hate-Ugandan-Men-And-Love-Nigerians news

She is gone. Poof! Gone with the wind. Off the shelf. Off the boda-boda. Off the list. Seanice Kacungira got married. Yeeey! Well, we are happy for her. It’s been a looooong time of waiting to see the lucky nigga. At last, the news found us awake. Mbu she never got Desire’s memo about Nigerians. She said, “Waaah. Gaa’way, Desire. I am gerrin’ married.” So, a one Fabian Adeoye pulled her off from Ugandan men’s grips. Kyoka Ugandan men can be slow. The hunky actor got married to the former radio extraordinaire. If you don’t know the hunky actor, slap yourself hard in the face and say, “I am silly!” Then proceed to Google for help. Anyways, he acts in Jacob’s Cross. Yeah, those things. Seanice, we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy marriage. And, God forbid, we don’t want to see you flashing V-signs all over.

In confusion news

The parliament, unsurprisingly, was still awash with confusion before we went to press. The confused law makers were still probing each other, pointing long nailed-fingers at each other mbu nti “You stole my pen. You stole gov’t money. You stole blah, blah..” Katosi Road was still covered with dust because money was hidden in some people’s stomachs and they refused to go to the loos. Kwegamba, it was full of confusion. I am even confused.

In searching news

Col. Dr. Kizza Besigye’s maid, Mugumya, who has since disappeared off the radar was still missing. Actually, no one gave a f**k about him this week. I just felt like rubbing it in your face so that when you’re cleaning your house over the weekend, search for him. He could be under your bed. Oh, doesn’t this put some small truth to the assumption that aliens come to earth late at night when all of you are either asleep or wanking or pondering about it, and steal a few things from us and go back home? Maybe. Ask Tamale Mirundi. He speaks like an alien.

We are so broke to give business news. For sports news, the Uganda Cranes still have a chance of qualifying for the 2030 Africa Cup of Nations.

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