The state address from the Prime Minister.
“Attention. Can I get your attention please? Afande, give them the teargas. Now, calm down my people. The government is working on finding the answers. All we know is that the plane disappeared from thin air, and we are trying to find out if the sky has anything to do with this. It has also come to our attention that Uganda is in the tropics so for a plane to disappear in thin air is something you don’t find in the tropics and we don’t have thin air. We are now investigating the thin air, and we have got some leads there too.
We have a parliamentary committee that has been set up to investigate the perpetrators of this hideous act. This is not what we fought for in the bush war. Our cadres and comrades did not die for this.
Our parliament now has the technology to find out and locate the missing plane. My afande here tells me that there’s an app you can download from the apple store that can track things. How else do you think we find Besigye?
We have also set up a parliamentary committee to give five million shillings to the aggrieved families. We are sorry that this happened and we promise we are working on it. People who are trying to unsettle our government shall not prosper.
We have sent our investigation team to Soroti flying school to further investigate and see if the pilots had degrees or diplomas. That is very essential in discovering their motives.
Our police dogs are also trained to sniff out black boxes and the police is already doing that.
We are sitting as parliament to discuss the allowances we are going to give ourselves to discuss what exactly transpired to UA370.
We have ruled out Kony, Besigye and Lukwago but we have our police standing on standby waiting to see if they have anything to do with this.
Please, we beg you dear Ugandans, if you kidnapped the plane, don’t kill it.
We have ruled out that the plane landed in water. Our technology is not yet water resistant so it must be somewhere on land.
The leader of opposition should also stop suggesting we bring in aero dynamic specialists and investigation teams from outside countries. We don’t want them to bring their homosexual acts here. We as a country can handle it with our panel of experts and definitely when we seat down as a parliament and discuss, we shall discover who the real culprit is.
Thank you very much.
God Bless Our Country.
Afande, you can stop firing the teargas now.”