SURVIVING THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE: Ugandan Chapter

By • Nov 14th, 2013 • Category: WTH

It’s not news to many of us that at some point in the future (if movie and book writers are to be believed) a large population of the world will be turned into zombies and we’ll have to fight them off lest the human-race is wiped out. Of course there are those with the opinion that if the human-race is stupid enough to believe such garbage, then it deserves to be annihilated anyway. But well…you don’t go around telling that to world governments that spent millions on contingency plans for the undead taking over unless you want to disappear without a trace. Everyone is preparing in their own different ways and our precious Uganda is not to be left out. Yes, I know they almost never show Africa in the movies but maybe that’s because we’re just so prepared, period! Not a single zombie can outmatch us and today, I point out to you exactly why, starting with how Ugandans are preparing for this virtual inevitability in their own secret ways.

  1. Fashion: As the dresses get shorter and shorter and the shoes higher and higher, the powers that be squirm in their seats, but that’s because they don’t want you to realize that dressing a certain way helps you survive the undead! Yes, I’m telling you now that it’s a conspiracy. You see, with those tight leggings, there’s less friction and you can outrun those Hussein Bolt-like zombies. Those stiletto heels are like spear-heads (and what’s more African than a spear-head even if it’s at the bottom of your shoe) with one sharp throw and good aim (as well as some good CGI) it can enter your zombie’s head and down he goes. The tight mini-skirts are usually under so much tension they can easily be ripped to create bandages and the turned-up collars the males are so fond of can actually resist a zombie bite (considering the shirt is made out of metal or Kevlar or something.) Also don’t forget that you can bring along a friend who wears jangly, noisy jewelry to distract the zombies when need be.
  2. Diet: It’s not just the females complaining about their weight anymore, the males these days feel a need to have their waistlines reduced and their cheeks sunken. Who could blame them too? After some of the more recent zombie documentaries (disguised as movies) we now know that those things are as fast as cars, if not faster. Maybe one day we could turn them into a means of transport but until then, avoid being fat or easier still befriend a fatter person only so that they can get eaten first. I mean, I can tell you the number of friends I’ve made of recent has been ridiculous; I originally thought it was my charm drawing them in but turns out people just want someone who doesn’t run faster than them.
    True friends run as fast as you do

    True friends run as fast as you do

    So when that apocalypse arrives, make sure you’re skinny and hollow-looking (also you’d be well camouflaged, I mean, you’d look dead already) plus you’d already be used to perhaps the only food available to you in such times. No sugar, or salt, or fat, or happiness…just despair; you’ll thrive I’m telling you.

  3. Education: For one reason or the other, today’s young generation seems to think a formal education is outdated and they can just wing it and BAM, success will hit them in their faces. Not only that but the drugs and the alcohol and sex…well, suffice to say that people with brains in this wretched world are becoming rather scarce…and that’s the point! These kids have the right idea. Zombies love brains and if you don’t have any, they’ll most likely not find you very interesting. It’s really as simple as that; so let people do what they want, say what they want, nature has given them a way to survive the ultimate doom on this earth, don’t take it away from them.
  4. Health: If there’s anything I learnt from World War Z (other than Pepsi has a lot of money) it’s that diseases are your friend. Oh, I should probably say ‘spoiler alert’ at this point. Ok, moving on; the drugs, the smoking, the violence, it’s all a way for people to survive the zombie apocalypse. Ads should run that say: “Tobacco = Cancer ˃ Zombification.” Smoke shisha, get yourself some chronic respiratory problem and presto, all the zombies in the world will be avoiding you like a plague; then you can have some time to drink Pepsi. You might find it rather insulting that the zombies find your body even more disgusting than their own affliction but hey, you get to stay alive, so chin up.
  5. Sex tapes: I have to admit, this one had me a little confused for a while. A trend that could have occurred at any point in time picks such a ripe period? It had to be related to the apocalypse I tell you and here’s why. You see, with the sudden appearance of over 400 videos, I’m expecting a rush of June 2014 babies who’ll be born to rather…well…rather idiotic parents and that will scar those poor kids. Don’t cry just yet though, for you see, adversity does indeed make the heart grow stronger.
    Just ask him

    Just ask him

    [ngg_uploader id=4]With some poor parenting, knowledge that a number of them were aborted and the rest conceived on some ‘challenge accepted’ sex video scheme, those kids will have major baggage. They will also kick some major ass in future and just like that, we’ll have our own zombie-kicking, almost brainless Justice League of sorts. Yes indeed, futures really are made at campus.

I think you’re now starting to see exactly how clever your fellow countrymen are; really, they’re ninja of sorts aren’t they? So jump on the bandwagon if you don’t wanna be eaten my friend. Do share if you see any other behaviors that could secretly be survival techniques, don’t keep them to yourself. Godspeed!

 

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