The Universe Has Spoken

By • Nov 6th, 2013 • Category: Society, WTH

Every so often, you’ll hear stories of how all the Universe’s forces came together to ensure that somebody ended up exactly where they were needed. You’ll find books written (and no, anything based on the Mustard Seed does not count,) conferences set up and whatever else is needed to feed the ego that comes with knowing The Universe finds you special. Many of us however, are left wondering whether God cares which paths we take or are we just extras in some superstar’s life and it doesn’t matter if we order tea or coffee so long as it comes in a cup. Wonder no more my friend; here, I have come up with 3 ways you can tell The Universe is telling you to do something.

Your job: This is a hard one because sometimes you simply cannot tell whether to quityour job or not. Will your pay go up or should you just go to the private sector (run while you still have legs) and even whether to punch your boss in the face or just pee in his coffee every morning…decisions, decisions.

Sometimes you’re in the wrong sector altogether and have no clue. Say, if you were meant to be a plumber (like I was) then it’ll start out with sinks and toilets regurgitating, getting blocked or even blowing up and flooding your room and only yours. You’ll repair them repeatedly until The Universe just decides “forget it; time to teach this punk a lesson!” Suddenly, you’ll be fixing pipes at your house, the neighbor’s and even your boss’ who might even offer you a job in that sector. Now, at this point you’ll probably be very irritated but I urge you not to hit that wretch with a wrench. Simply think about it for a few moments and then go ahead with it; you might even break a few teeth and voila, you’ll have a job as a prison librarian. It could be even that that constant flooding in your house is some higher power trying to teach you how to walk on water…who knows.

Your social life: An area like this is a little easier to understand simply because we just do not learn. I mean dude, if they pop up only when you have money, they’re not true friends; if she won’t let you take a dump in her toilet, she’s not the one (what, you assume you’ll constantly be going to the neighbor’s when you move in together?) On that note, if your neighbor is constantly doing number-twos in your bathroom, it’s time to move! If that same guy owns a restaurant that every so often gives people, including you, a running stomach, don’t go back again. It’s highly likely his workers have the same fascination with bathrooms and they take it to the kitchen. This might be common-sense, yes, but when chickidee shows up at your doorstep in the tiniest little dress, you’ll forget that she poured acid on the last girl you tried to date (or so I hear; I wouldn’t know how that is.)


Yes, After Earth, we’re looking at you!

Yes, The Universe works in forms of common sense as well…it doesn’t always have to be grandiose, as much as it likes to show off. Also, perhaps one last piece of advice: if the movie has terrible ratings on IMDB specifically, and you watch it in the cinema, you’re gonna have a bad time.

Your language: No matter which way you look, there are teenagers all over the place and they always seem to come up with some sort of new baffling slang words that you just cannot understand. Sometimes hearing these kids talk feels like getting a rectal exam (or giving it; believe me, it’s not heaven for the doctors either.) It’s ingrained in some however, to be able to understand and speak all these strange terms without biting their tongues in half and having their brains freeze half-way through a sentence. That in itself could be a sign that you’re meant to work with the youth…or that you are meant to infiltrate them and take them down from the inside; whichever one you choose, I’m cool with it. Then there are those like me who, from childhood, were offended when we were teased for one thing or the other, simply because those assaulting us were doing it with such poor grammar. We cannot read PowerPoint presentations unless certain words are spelt right and we can’t help but correct everyone’s written or spoken grammar including our own.

You sent for me?

You sent for me?

Now, rest assured I have tried to suppress this trait but it will not be under looked! The Grammar Nazis are coming and when they do, The Universe won’t help you a single bit.

After all this, you probably have even less knowledge on the workings of the Cosmos and your place in it than you did at the start but hey, at least you’re not alone…there is, after all, the person who wrote this.

Liking this article is what happens to cool people

  • Evil twin

    That awkward moment when you realise you aren’t a crazy person. Or rather you aren’t a crazy person alone. Glad to find a friend.