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Jammin’ Space

By • Sep 13th, 2013 • Category: In The News

News reaching our desks has it that NASA’s Voyager 1 has finally left our solar system. To bring you up to speed, the Voyager 1 is a probe that sets off to explore space and go where no man has gone before. In essence, it borrows a bit from Wentworth Miller, Elton John and that workmate that still carries a vibrator to work, ‘just in case’.

"Is that a probe in your pocket or am I happy to see you?"

“Is that a probe in your pocket or am I happy to see you?”

The probe was launched in 1977, running 68 Kilobytes of computing power, so everyone seems to think this is an achievement unto itself. You know who doesn’t think so? That kid that was showing off with the dodgy grey Samsung flash disk back on campus, rocking all of 64mb. He is sitting there, stroking the obsolete piece of tech hanging from his neck and thinking, ‘amateurs’.

So, what’s the plan? Well, whoever sent it out there desperately wants to know what’s happening out there. They don’t really care about what’s happening on the other side of the ocean, “You mean Africa is NOT a country”, but they are hungry to find out whether there is alien life out there.

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Alien Technology from 2003

In fact, I believe the politically correct term, because we don’t want to be offending alien life forms, is “intelligent life”. Therein, may lie the answer to that baffling question, if it’s intelligent, it knows better than to reach out to earth. Why the hell would anyone want to get in to contact with the planet that’s responsible for a twerking Miley Cyrus, an incoherent L’il Wayne and Erias Lukwago?

They’d likely be watching from a distance and thinking, “sheeeeiiiiiit!” and using recordings of Robin Kisti’s accent to ward off insurgencies. “Carm Orn! Carnt we arll live in harmorny? Pearce arnd Lurv, y’arll. Pearce arnd lurv…”

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What’s particularly important to note is that some measures have been put in place just in case the Voyager does encounter alien life. It’s been equipped with a gold plated record with images from earth and greetings in 55 languages. If the aliens are smart they will probably fight over the gold and move on, because, really, what are you going to do with a couple of ‘bonjour’s?

And what criteria was used to select those languages anyway? I’m going to hope the pictures don’t feature our landmarks and shit, because that’s how stuff gets blown up in the movies. Aliens be like, “I’d hit that” and then they do just that. With laser beams and prejudice.

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On the flip side, things can’t be that bad. There’s no way on God’s then green earth that they took any Ugandan language. Don’t get me wrong, the Western languages have that almost seductive drawl punctuated flow ending in a muted ‘teh’, Northern languages will, through their delivery let anyone know not to mess with us, but let’s be honest, we’re a bunch of haters. We won’t be welcoming, we will be saying stuff like, temufuka wanno, mulye sausage and K**a N***o!


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About Ivan

doesn't get why you feel compelled to force an accent when you're talking to summers